The magic in my horn glowed softly in its task to twirl the rope in a fast, predicable loop. I concentrated one hundred percent on the task at hoof, music howling from earphones to my brain, filling me with feelings of grim determination and dark satisfaction. Each little hop burned my legs a little more with exertion. The growing pain in my legs, the savage beat of metal, the strain of mental concentration; every little detail had me locked in a state that only true warriors could enjoy.
That is to say that I was jumping rope.
Like a badass.
I was going for my personal best time without tripping: one hour and twelve minutes, and going. I would have been proud of myself had I let my mind wander from my task. It was still pretty early in the morning, and I was set on improving my speed and endurance to their absolute limits.
I decided this was a good thing to do outdoors. The small gym I set up in the library was nice, but it was a pain in the ass to set up every time I needed space to work out. Screw that, jump rope is cheap, fun, and great for outdoor use.
One hour and fifteen minutes. Great progress.
The music stopped. I guess the battery died.
I'll admit I was never good at this back home. I had a hard time coordinating. Kids made fun of me for that. They even gave me a nickname. Something about two left shoes and my name, whatever that was. I hated that.
I stopped and took a deep breath. No, I wasn't going to think about that. I had greater concerns, like with further training and what I'd have for lunch. It was still well before noon. I did my stretches and jump rope, so I guess I could move on to push-ups? It was as good an idea as any.
I knelt down and stretched out my hindlegs, pushing myself up from the ground and letting myself sink back down. I didn't have a goal number of repetitions, only the singular task of pushing myself even more. My legs were already weakened from jumping rope so intensely, and the pain building in them was forcing me to shake.
I wasn't going to stop. I pushed harder and endured more. Progress was getting slow. I could barely stand the pain, but I didn't want to give in...
"Uh, not to interrupt, but you've been on that one push-up for a few minutes." Somepony said.
I edged my eye to see the rainbow pony that spoke. I could hardly focus on her appearance, but it was definitely Rainbow Dash hovering slightly in the air. Finally, my legs could take no more. I slid my hooves apart and sunk my head into the grass. I'd have loved to speak with her, but I needed all the breath I could take.
"Well, somepony's been working hard." She remarked.
I could only pant, mostly motionless in the grass.
"Feeling anxious about your inevitable defeat at the Running of the Leaves by yours truly?" She gloated.
I still didn't respond.
Rainbow was getting a little worried by this point. "Uh, you need some help?"
I rolled onto my back and shook my head.
"Okay." A brief silence passed. "You know, after a tough workout, I like napping on clouds. Wanna try it?"
I gathered enough breath to voice a tired reply. "Sure," And I lit my horn with some cloud-walking spell.
Rainbow was nice enough to carry me up to an unoccupied cumulus. I sank into the cloud like it was made of the softest cotton. Rainbow dragged over another cloud to lounge next to me. So we sat there, with me splayed on the cloud and Rainbow on her back facing away from me. We rested and got nice and comfortable for a while.
After a time, I was feeling well enough to make conversation. Rainbow definitely wanted to hang out, and I was willing to oblige. After all, she made the mistake of giving me the perfect view of something interesting. "So Rainbow, I noticed you have puncture marks on your neck."
Rainbow scrambled and pushed her hooves over her neck. "Wha- I do not... It's a birthmark!"
"Mhm." I slyly mumbled. "So when'd you see Fluttershy?"
She rolled onto her belly and glared at me. "What are you talking about?"
"What? Haven't you ever heard a sudden change in topic before? It's not like I mean to insinuate something about our mutual friend." I replied innocently. "Certainly it has nothing to do with your 'birthmark', and possibly your love of midday napping."
"Yeah, I hope so." Rainbow half-warned.
"Or undocumented blood donations on your part."
Rainbow was looking a little ticked. "Hey."
I reeled it back a bit. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
"It's okay." Rainbow went back to her back.
...
Oh hell, I might regret this, but I had to prod one more time. "Was she gentle?"
Rainbow shot to the air with hate in her eyes. "Stop saying things!" She demanded with her hoof pointed threateningly.
I raised my hooves in a placating gesture, a smirk on my face, and we both simmered down. She sat grumpily on her cloud.
She looked around us for anypony listening. She checked all over the skies, under her cloud, and all over the ground. She leaned closer to me and whispered conspiratorially. "Yeah, totally."
I giggled at that and we shared a bro-hoof.
Another companionable silence passed. Rainbow broke it with an invitation. "So, you like drinking?"
"Yeah," I said with interest.
"Well I was thinking we could go to the bar tonight. Get a few drinks, share some laughs, hope for a fight; it'll be fun!"
I stretched the aching from my limbs and smiled in confirmation. "Sounds good."
"You know it!" She hovered off her cloud. "I'll meet ya there around six. If we're lucky, you might even bag somepony." She dashed away before I could react.
"Uh, right." I said to empty space. "Because I sure want to 'bag somepony'. My speech got a little sarcastic. "Why, it's even a step above 'boning somepony'." I sighed. "She'd better not try anything funny."
My limbs felt a little weak, but I was well enough to travel. To that length, I walked down the finest and most common stretch of Ponyville where I was sure to find the bar. I was sure it was the bar, not the night club. What's the difference? Night clubs have worse music.
There wasn't any need for me to carry anything with me. As part of my conjuration training, I marked just about everything in the library for summoning, including my money. It was just me trotting along in my tights, and nothing else. The lack of belongings was sure to get Rainbow's attention.
The sun was just setting on a productive day, and many ponies were gathered just outside the Grog Meister bar to put that behind them. I was no exception, but I didn't immediately see Rainbow anywhere. I doubted she was the kind of mare to cut and run, so I sat and waited by a bench. She showed eventually, but she caught my interest by bringing another pony with her. A bouncing pink mare was by her side.
I've never seen Pinkie drunk before. I might get my chance.
I waved them over. "Hey, girls! I see you tagged along, Pinkie."
"Yeah, this sounds like a lot of fun!" Pinkie explained exuberantly. "Stiff drinks going down the hatch, inhibitions loosening; I can't wait to see where it goes, Twilight."
"What's with the emphasis? Are you expecting me to do something dumb?"
Pinkie tittered. "One could hope!"
Rainbow jumped in to tell me what was up. "Pinkie cornered me a few minutes ago and begged to tag along. I wasn't gonna say no."
"The more the merrier, right?" I asked with an accepting shrug. "Come on, let's go inside."
"Wait, did anypony remember to bring any bits?" Rainbow chuckled nervously. "Cause, uh, I didn't."
"Don't worry about it; with my magic, I'm practically a walking ATM."
"Uh, what's an ATM?"
"As I said, don't worry about it."
I pulled the front door open, and we stepped inside to the sound of soft rock music. Polished wooden furniture scattered the room with booths lining the walls, maroon cushions slightly torn. The counter was bare and given a glossy sheen matched only by mirrors, and the walls beyond sported neon signs advertising brand names for drinks. Despite the number of ponies, there were plenty of booths to choose from.
"You girls go take a seat, I'll get us some drinks. Whatcha want?" I offered.
"I'll get an apple cider." Rainbow ordered.
"Lemon juice!" Pinkie chirped.
I gave Pinkie a slight nod. "Uh, alright. I'll be right back."
I got the drinks from the bartender, plus a raspberry drink of some kind (as if I was paying attention to the names), two plates of hot pepper bites, and a root beer float. I took a set across from Rainbow and Pinkie in the middle booth. Rainbow got her drink, Pinkie got her juice that I'm certain is a cooking ingredient, and everything else went to me. Dinner might have been thirty minutes ago, but I was still hungry.
Rainbow eyed my food with an amused chuckle. "Had a light dinner?"
Rainbow's barb might make a little more sense if I told you that the appetizers I had were meant for a party of six. Each. "You have no idea."
"You know you just ordered all the food in here, right?" She joked.
"Whatever." I playfully jabbed. "It's not like ponies actually eat the food in bars. They have better taste than that, and I have no standards."
We shared a laugh at my self-deprecating joke. Conversation turned to Rainbow and Pinkie's day. Rainbow bragged about some improvement on her aerial performance she made. I wasn't so sure a half-second improvement on her lap times was any big feat, but maybe she didn't have much room to improve, as good as she was. Pinkie, in the meantime, related an anecdote about the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Still tromping along in search of their cutie marks, apparently, and Pinkie was nice enough to suggest balloon animals. Long story short, the kitchen caught on fire, and the important part was that nopony was arrested.
One would think it was time for me to talk about my day. That's what the other two did, so I popped a bite into my mouth and thought of something interesting I did that I could relate. However, Pinkie Pie had a way of saying things that you didn't expect. This was one such time.
"So Twilight, what's it like being transsexual?"
The food seized in my throat, eliciting a surprised bout of coughing. Once the crumbs and mash fell out of my mouth and let me breathe in peace, I looked Pinkie over. She was serious. She had that earnestly curious look that held no malice or misunderstanding; she actually thought I was transsexual.
Rainbow Dash was handling the question about as well, gaping at the news. "Twilight, you're a tranny?" She asked softly.
I raised my hooves and argued defensively. "Hey hey, it's not like that!" I glared worriedly at the pink girl. "Pinkie, where did you get that idea?"
Pinkie tapped her glass. "Well, I've watched the way you walk for hours." I wondered if that meant she was staring at my ass a lot. I didn't want to think of it. "I noticed you walk with your hooves spread slightly, which usually only stallions do because of their floppy bits." I winced at that. This was going to be a rough conversation. "You also do a lot of body-building, and you get really aggressive, and you dislike girly stuff, and you like spicy food, and hate asking for directions, and-"
I sat mortified by the many things she was listing. Don't get me wrong, I'm touched that one of my friends cared enough to notice these things, I just wished it didn't come back to bite me like this. Apparently I had a problem with hiding my masculinity.
After what felt like seven days and nights of hearing about my various social eccentricities, Pinkie took a deep breath. "And you often call yourself a colt."
I blinked heavily. "Holy crap, am I really that obvious?"
"Not really." Pinkie said. "I just watch you a lot."
More concerns, all of which I was going to ignore for now. "So that's why you think I'm actually a guy?"
"Yeah." A pause. "Either that, or a filly who really wants to be a colt."
One of two options for dealing with this situation. Great. So either I admit that I was a guy at one point, or I say I was always a girl but wasn't secure with that knowledge. Shit, what was I going to go with?
Or maybe there's more to it than that. My mind had a few tangents that were worth exploring. I guess I could put them to words. "Er, I guess I should say something, then. Well, sure, I was once a colt."
Rainbow gasped. "No way..."
I nodded. "Yeah, but then some things happened. The short of it is that my gender-bender was a result of some kind of curse that I didn't get around to fixing."
"So that's why you act like such a gruff manly pony?" Pinkie asked.
I tilted my head as I went deeper into thought. "Well, partly. I kinda remember doing girly stuff before all that, though. I played with dolls this one time, but that didn't go over well."
"Eesh, a colt playing with dolls? I can see how that would be embarrassing." Rainbow noted.
"Yeah, the other colts were real assholes about it. I seem to recall the word 'fag' thrown around a couple of times."
"Was it really that bad?" Pinkie asked sympathetically.
"Well, it got worse." I recalled calmly. "The fillies acted supporting at first, even jumping to my aid once or twice, but then they turned around and shunned 'the gay kid' so they could pretend to have tea parties with their stuffed animals. Geez, it's not like I was even gay." I had a revelation. "Oh, that's when I started exercising and eschewing my femininity. And that's also where my obsession with violence came from!"
"Er, wow. Sounds rough." Rainbow said consolingly.
"Hey, don't worry about it, I just figured this out myself." I thought about the implications of what I just realized. "I guess I associated femininity with weakness, since it's what started a large amount of my bullying. I let all of that go in favor of my own power." I looked off to the side. "Though I'm not sure if I can really call myself transsexual. I have a different gender now, but I still feel every bit as aggressive as I did back then. It's not like my female body is urging me to try on dresses or something, so I don't feel any of that femininity coming back to me." Memories of Rarity and the spa came to mind. "Well, maybe."
"So where does that leave you?" Rainbow asked.
I shrugged. "I dunno. I just realized a few things about myself, and I'm not sure what to think. On one hoof, I still think of myself as a guy and want to hold onto that for all it's worth. On the other, I want to leave the past behind and see if I can relax in the present, even if that means finally recognizing that I'm not really a guy anymore. As I said, I don't really know." It's not like I ever really went through with the gender swapping spells...
Rainbow nodded for a moment of contemplative silence. Then she smirked. "Actually, I know how I can help with your gender confusion."
"Oh really?" I asked incredulously. As if she had an idea on how to help when she only knew for a couple of minutes. "What is it?"
"It's easy!" She claimed. "We're just gonna get you laid!"
I narrowed my eyes. "You'll have to explain that one to me, because that doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does! If you can get some tonight, then you won't be thinking about it any more!" She turned my head with her hoof to face the other patrons of the bar. "So which pony is in for the ride of a lifetime?"
I pulled myself away from Rainbow's reach. "That's not happening."
"Why not? We came here to have a good time, and I want to see have a real good time."
"Why are you so insistent on me having sex?" I asked, feeling even more uncomfortable.
"Because you seem really wound up and need the recreation." She said.
"I have recreation; it's called exercise."
"Exercise doesn't keep you warm at night, but another pony could."
My eye twitched. "You know what? I'm out of here." I got up and walked away.
"See you tomorrow!" Pinkie yelled.
"Yeah, we'll pick this up again when you're not feeling so cranky!" Rainbow added.
I didn't look back. I wasn't mad about or anything, I just had to get away from that prismatic hyper-sexual.
The quill in my magic scribbled on the paper with various notes regarding conjuration. The advanced studies of conjuration were slowly revealing their secrets to me, and it was only a matter of time before I could try out just one major spell. After that, I might have to go back to the drawing board.
It was the day after out time at the bar, and I was really hoping we could get past it. Rainbow, and I suspect many other ponies, couldn't let things go. The door slammed open and shook me out of my thoughts. Rainbow came into the library with a blankly smiling Pinkie in tow.
"Hey, egghead! How's it hangin'?" Rainbow asked casually.
"Pretty good." I replied, setting down my supplies. "How about you?"
"Awesome, as always." Rainbow bragged.
"My day is swell." Pinkie said in a stilted manner.
"Uh, are you okay, Pinkie?" I asked.
"Yes, my day is good. No need for inquiry." She said equally stilted.
I took that with an unsure nod. "Right... so what's up?"
"Not much with us," Rainbow stepped in. "But you have a date tonight."
I narrowed my eyes at the pegasus. "Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I set up a blind date for you. I know, no need to thank me." She rubbed a hoof on her chest, so full of her sudden and inexplicable generosity.
"Your date is with Thunderlane." Pinkie revealed with mock enthusiasm.
"Who the hell is Thunderlane?" I asked irately. Not the question I should have been asking, which was why this happened.
"He helps with weather patrol." Rainbow answered quickly, eager to get on with it. "Now come on! He's gonna meet you at the cafe!"
Rainbow pulled me out of my own house until I threw her hooves off of me. "Alright, fine! I'll go to this stupid date, okay?"
Rainbow beamed and pumped a hoof skyward. "That's the spirit! Make that stallion love you!"
"Good luck." Pinkie said.
I looked between the two of them and sighed. Great, another pony to let down. I turned and walked to the cafe where Thunderlane was going to meet me. Pinkie and Rainbow didn't follow me, but they shouted some more encouragement that I wasn't going to listen to.
It just started, but I knew my day was going to suck.
I found myself at the cafe shortly, and I guess I got lucky. The place was completely deserted with the lone exception of the table closest to a bush. A dark grey pegasus sat at the table with eager patience, amber eyes catching a glimpse of me immediately. I'm not sure what his silver mane could be called other than a mohawk. Whatever the case was, he waved at me, showing his toned muscles built from whatever physical tasks he did as his coat shined to highlight his form. "Oh, Twilight!"
I smiled nervously. Great, he looks like a nice guy. This will be so much fun. I took a seat across from him. "Hey... Thunderlane."
"Yeah, that's me!" He chuckled. "I've heard a lot about you."
"Did you now?"
"Yeah! Rainbow told me all about how you fought that manitcore in the Everfree. I can't believe anypony would be able to survive a fight one on one with something so vicious, let alone win!" He was really excited to tell me that.
Even better, Rainbow's been embellishing tales of my fighting prowess. This guy would be in for a surprise. "I'm sure she told you nothing but the truth." I lied exceptionally. "So how did it come to this? I didn't exactly set up a date, or anything."
"Rainbow told me you were available." He said, which got a mouth-twitch out of me. "I've seen you around a few times, and I always thought you were really pretty." His face had a tinge of pink as he continued. "So I guess I just wanted to get to know you."
I nodded with a sympathetic sigh. "Yeah, I thought so. You seem like a nice guy, so I want to tell you one quick fact about myself before we move on, okay? And please don't get too upset; you didn't know."
"Um, okay?"
I turned my head to one side awkwardly. "I'm gay."
An awkward silence passed between us, Thunderlane's mouth gradually falling open blankly. Before he could say anything, however, Pinkie hopped out of the bush with a squeal of delight. "Hooray!" She then trotted away with a big smile.
Rainbow Dash stood out of the bush next with annoyance. "Hey, you told me that you weren't gay!"
I was a bit surprised that they somehow beat me here in time to spy on our date, but I recovered for my defense. "I said I wasn't gay! Things change."
Rainbow had a blank expression before something clicked in her head. "Oh, that's right. Well now I know." She sped away with a rainbow contrail marking her exit. Thunderlane and I had enough time to share perplexed gazes before Rainbow sped right back to say one quick thing to the stallion. "Sorry it didn't work out." She sped off again.
Thunderlane looked to me for some answers. I just sighed and shrugged. "I'll buy ya lunch?"
Abjuration was on the agenda the next day. I needed to research spells on blocking the signals released by magic. After that, I could block out any attempts on sensing any possible relapse of dark magic of mine. It was dirty, but I had to do it just in case. I wasn't going to have Celestia take my all-important magic away because a shopkeeper forgot my change.
I summoned an orb of arcane energy, glowing purple in the living room. My horn lit with a divination that scanned the energy released from my orb. I detected the flow of magic that sustained itself in the air, though its effects were slowly ebbing.
Next I formed a seal around the orb, magic energy pouring through my horn and manifesting as a glyph of power for a brief moment. Once the glyph disappeared, I cast the divination once more.
My experiment was successful. The divination was unable to detect the energy from the orb. This was good. The spell I used only blocked out certain energies, though, so I needed to take some time to develop a more powerful spell that could block out greater energies. The power of dark magic could not be underestimated, and I'd need extensive testing to make sure it worked to an acceptable degree. This meant learning to harness dark magic at will, however...
The door slammed open, shaking me out of my thoughts. Rainbow came in with a blankly smiling Pinkie in tow. Funny, I could have sworn this happened the other day.
"Hey Egghead, why are you just sitting there studying? There are more important things to be doing!"
"Like what?" I asked curiously.
"You have a date today!"
I groaned and rubbed my head. "Seriously? Why are you doing this to me? Don't you remember what happened yesterday?"
"Yeah, I remember, and I learned what I did wrong."
I ground my teeth a bit. "Am I to assume this unlucky pony is waiting for me at the cafe?"
"Yup! Mane, you really know how this works!"
I shut my book and stood up from my chair. "Or maybe I can recognize patterns." I walked right past them. "Hey Pinkie."
"Hello." She greeted happily, but unenthusiastically.
If the previous day was any indication, the others staying behind was no guarantee that I was going alone. Still, another day meant another pony to let down. I at least hoped this next guy was a jerk to make things easy.
I got to the cafe, and just like last time, there was only one pony sitting by the lone bush. To Rainbow's credit, it wasn't a stallion this time, so she was definitely listening to me at points. Not enough points, but that was for another time. The very first thing I noticed about the mare waiting for me was her mane. I have never before or since seen a mane with such a wild style. Half of her silver and light blue hair was spiked and curved back, while the rest trailed down her head to nearly hide her purple eyes from sight. Her pale purple coat practically shined in the sun. I swear Rainbow keeps setting these things up at just the right time for me to notice the tight musculature of my dates.
"Hey, you must be Twilight!" My date greeted. "I'm Cloud Chaser. It's nice to meet you."
I smiled nervously and took a seat across from her. "Hi, Cloud Chaser. So I guess we're supposed to be dating, huh?"
"Yeah, Rainbow told me you were available." Figures. "I've seen you around, and I have to say, you're really attractive. I mean just look at those flanks!" She leaned to the side for a better look.
I levitated a portion of the tablecloth to cover myself. "Hey, stop that!"
She sat back up and smiled sheepishly. "Heh, sorry. I just don't see why you wear those tights, though. What's the point of wearing them in public if you don't want ponies to look?"
I self-consciously examined my flanks. I only just now noticed the way my tights hugged my form was more than a little provocative.
And once I realized that I was sexy (according to some perspectives), I vowed to never wear these things again.
"Right, well I have some bad news. Rainbow probably didn't tell you since she didn't know," I took a breath as if I was going to reveal a secret rather than make a false excuse. "But I'm straight."
Pinkie Pie slid morosely out of the bush with a rustle. "Aw."
Pinkie was going to sadly drag her hooves away, but she stopped once Rainbow leaped out of the bush in a rage. "WHAT? Are you bucking kidding me?"
I leaned away from Rainbow's yelling and returned the glare. "And here you are spying on me again. Maybe I should test myself for ESP."
She slammed her hooves on the table. "Yesterday you said you were gay, now you're saying that you're straight; well get your story straight! Why are you lying to us about this?"
"Why do you keep sending me on blind dates that I don't wanna go to?" I shot back.
"It's for your own good!" Rainbow barely explained. "And you didn't answer my question! Are you straight or are you gay? You can't be both!"
"Maybe I am!"
"That's a load of bull, and you know it!"
"Maybe so, but I'm gonna keep on going!"
"How can somepony be so insecure about their orientation? You sound ridiculous!"
"Hiding one's sexuality is perfectly normal. After all, I've been doing it all my life!"
"Well what are you? You can't keep it from me forever!"
"Sure I can!"
"Oh come on! After all the effort we went through to set these dates up, you owe us an explanation!"
"You want to know my orientation?" I ground my teeth. "Fine!" I reared back with a seething breath. "I'M FUCKING BI!"
Rainbow stood resolute in the face of my yell. She stood perfectly still as if waiting for more. When more failed to come, she let out an irritated "And...? Is that it?"
I blinked hard and squinted in confusion. "Yeah, it is."
Rainbow scoffed. "Twilight, most of Equestria is bi."
"It... what, really?"
"Yeah,"
Pinkie informed us further. "Recent surveys show that ninety five percent of Equestrian citizens identify as bi-sexual."
My gaze drifted low. Thoughts swirled in my head for a bit. Then I flipped the table like I was throwing a tire downhill. Cloud Chaser ran off at some point, and who could blame her? She didn't want to get caught up in this drama, she just wanted to sleep with me. Bad thoughts aside, I crossed my hooves and seethed silently. God, it figures that I was in the one place that didn't care about that.
"Uh, is this something you want to talk about?" Rainbow asked.
I rubbed my temple. "Simply put, I joined a group a long time ago that didn't take too kindly to me being bi. I was kicked out and ostracized by yet another bunch of people, and now that I know the rest of the goddamn world doesn't care, I'm really fucking pissed."
"Wow, you have the worst luck with other ponies." Rainbow noted sympathetically.
"Tell me about it." I grumbled.
"That still doesn't explain why you're so against dating."
I groaned a bit. "Look, I just don't want to get into a relationship. I still want to work solo."
I noticed Pinkie sag a little, but Rainbow was the one to speak. "So what you're saying is that you just don't want to settle down with somepony."
Something was weird about her phrasing there, but I couldn't put my hoof on it. "Essentially."
Rainbow nodded. "I get it now. Okay," She wrapped a foreleg around Pinkie. "Let's get going, Pinks. We've been doing this all wrong."
Pinkie nodded mechanically, and hesitantly replied. "Okay."
The two practically disappeared with how fast they moved. I groaned and face-planted on the ground, since I forgot the table moved. Damn that pegasus, she was up to something. This was only going to get worse, and I can only imagine how.
I woke up the next morning feeling lazy. Maybe I could fool myself into thinking it was a matter of me just wanting to catch a few more sheep, but that wasn't really the case. Rainbow planned something for the past two days that I didn't want, and she didn't give up just yet. If I got up, I'd have to deal with whatever insane plan to get me laid Rainbow had that time. Perhaps I could spend the next couple of days without leaving the bed.
Spike woke up with a yawn in the nearby basket. I ditch that idea of mine and sat up to greet the dragon. "Morning, Spike. Sleep well?"
"Yup." He answered in the midst of his morning daze. "So who's making breakfast?"
"Would you mind?"
"No problem."
We each took a turn in the bathroom and walked downstairs. We weren't expecting anything to disrupt our morning routine. Certainly not this early. Somehow, in the middle of the living room with no viable entrances, there was a giant triple-decker cake. This cake was so big, it could fit two grown ponies inside. White frosting was adorned with pink edges that framed the irresistible treat in regal splendor. This cake looked so massive and delicious, that Celestia would only need three minutes to make it disappear.
Not that I was too focused on sugary foods that early in the morning. We stood at the base of the cake and peered up the frosted behemoth. The cake was so tall, it nearly touched the ceiling.
"Did you order this cake in secret, or something?" Spike asked.
"Considering I don't understand the logistics of getting something this big in such a confined space, we're either dealing with a supreme sorcerer or Pinkie Pie. I know which bet I'm taking."
To nopony's surprise, Rainbow and Pinkie showed themselves from behind the cake. I noticed that Pinkie looked livelier than she did the last two days. "Twilight, there you are!" Rainbow cheered.
I smiled with mock enthusiasm. "Oh good, we get to start this now."
"That's right! Oh, by the way:" Rainbow held out a small sack and dropped it into Spike's claws. "Here you go, buy yourself something nice. Just don't come back for a few hours."
Confused, Spike peeked inside the bag, seeing the many gold coins inside. He glanced around at us all with questions on his mind, but he let all of them go in light of the generous bribe gift. "Okay, thanks! See you later!" He left the house, no doubt to get the breakfast of his dreams.
Rainbow smiled at the results of her effort. "There, now that the kid is gone, the adults can have some fun!"
"For whatever one would consider an adult." I muttered sarcastically.
Pinkie wrapped a hoof around me comfortingly. "Aw, don't feel so down, Twilight! You don't even know what's in the cake!"
"You're right about that." I admitted. "I just figure that eggs, flour and sugar are among the contents."
"You're part right." Rainbow said deviously. "But there's a big surprise in store for you."
"It's hot sauce, isn't it?"
"Oh, it's hot, alright."
I opened my mouth to question that, but the words died in my mouth. What was she on about? Is she hinting at some kind of prank? Then again, the past couple of days felt like a really elaborate joke...
Pinkie hopped to one side of the cake. "That reminds me of a riddle! What's sweet and hot at the same time?"
"Spiced syrup?" I guessed.
"Yeah, but this will be a treat you'll really wanna sink your teeth into." Rainbow teased.
I groaned. "Argh, I'm getting impatient now. What's in the damn cake?"
Rainbow shrugged playfully. "Alright, I can see you're getting a little antsy. After all, who wouldn't be looking forward to having such a sweet dessert." She threw a rear hoof into the cake. It didn't make a splat, or at least not a big one. It made a dull thud, like it struck cardboard.
That's when I learned that the top two decks of the cake weren't really food, but rather a crafty disguise for a big cardboard box covered in cake frosting. The top of the cake split open like a banana, each of the splits falling open to form a neat little ramp for the cargo.
And laying down in the center of it all was a pure white mare with a golden mane that altogether made her seem like a vanilla cake. Her ruby eyes stared half-lidded at me, a saucy smile on her lips. She had her flank facing me, as if wanting me to stare at her cutie mark. Her cutie mark was a vanilla sundae topped with a cherry, but it was upside down for some reason. She threw back her long golden mane to draw focus on her body, lithe and agile in build.
What was her deal? I looked between Rainbow and Pinkie, but all they did was give me encouraging smiles. I looked back to the mysterious mare, standing up and stretching herself like a cat.
"Mmm, you must be Twilight Sparkle." She said, smile widening with growing excitement.
Crap, she was the next in line. Too bad I was out of convenient excuses to shoot her down. "Uh, yeah, that's me."
Satisfied with my answer, she walked towards me, slowly, with each step swaying her hips. "My name's Cherry Bottom, and I'm here for you."
"Yeah, I kinda got that."
She walked closer to me. She was getting so close that I was getting uncomfortable. I tried to step back in order to compensate, but she followed. The wall behind me was getting closer. I was getting worried. "Uh, so can I help you?"
My back pressed up against the wall. Even though I couldn't move back anymore, nothing stopped Cherry from getting closer to me. She had something against the concept of personal space, so she practically pressed against me with a hoof placed on the wall. "Tell me, how do you like dessert?"
The room felt like it got unbearably hot all of a sudden. "I have a feeling that was a rhetorical question."
Cherry chuckled at my remark. "You're very right about that." She leaned in, whispering hotly into my ear. "What do you say we have dessert in your bedroom? You can eat your sundae all the way down to the cherry."
Down to the cherry? What the hell does that mean? Wouldn't that imply the sundae... was upside down...?
Oh shit.
Only then realizing what was happening, magic charged into my horn with frenzied desperation. Cherry pulled back a bit in confusion, seeing the intense glowing of my horn. It was then that I learned I could teleport. I flashed through space to the top of the stairs, a chilled look of horror stamped on my face.
"Nope!" I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me.
Grasping out with my magic, I threw as many objects as I could at the door, hopefully blocking access to the room with the messy barricade. The whole room felt empty with everything, including the furniture, pressed against the door. That was fine with me, as I just wanted some space to freak out.
I took a few deep breaths, feeling thankful that at least she wouldn't be getting in here. If it weren't bad enough that I had to deal with ponies and their romance, I now had to deal with their sexiness. Sexual desires, I mean. Damn it, I don't want ponies coming on to me like this!
Rainbow flew in through the balcony to check on me. Pinkie was there too, somehow. "What was that all about? You have an irrational fear of ice cream, or what?"
I glared intensely at Rainbow. "What did you do?"
"What? You're the one who ran off!" She accused.
"Yeah, because you brought me a stripper in a cake!"
"She's not a stripper! Saying she's a stripper implies you wouldn't get any action."
I shivered and wretched at the same time. "Eugh, oh my God, that's so wrong."
"What's wrong with it? Prostitution's legal, you know."
"I don't care that it is!" I yelled. "You don't just send a prostitute to seduce someone without telling them!"
"Why not?"
Far beyond this crap, I refused to answer that question. "No, you've been putting me through all sorts of crap the past couple of days. I'm asking the questions now. Now, why in the hell are you throwing me into dates I didn't ask for, and hiring prostitutes to sate a desire I don't even have!?"
"Wait, you don't get horn-"
"Answer my goddamn question!"
She recoiled back defensively. "Geez, alright! I mean, I'm the one who forked over the bits for this..."
"Rainbow Dash..." I growled.
"I was just trying to help, alright? The Princess said we should be keeping an eye on you, and I noticed you get really tense."
My anger diminished greatly. "I get tense?"
"Yeah, while you exercise." She clarified. "I noticed every once in while that you stand in place and grimace, then you start doing something strenuous without taking a break first. It's like you're trying not to think about something. I remember you saying that stresses are getting to you, so I just wanted to help, but you don't really talk to us about your problems, so I figured you needed somepony closer than a friend."
Well, all was forgiven as far as I was concerned. However... "What about Cherry?"
"Oh, she was just supposed to be stress relief."
I scoffed and shook my head. But something she said bothered me. "So you mentioned the princess. You're doing this because Celestia said you should?"
"No, not entirely. She only said you had some problems."
I smirked. "Well, at least you aren't doing it out of obligation to the crown."
"Is that what you think this is?" Rainbow glared with offense. "Twilight, you've been keeping your problems to yourself so badly that even the princess of Equestria said something about it! Hearing her say that we need to pay more attention to you made me realize that we haven't really been paying attention to you at all! I don't want to leave my friends hanging, but you've been hanging there forever. I just want to help!"
I lowered my head with a sigh. "Rainbow, I'm grateful that you want to help. I really am." I put a hoof on her shoulder. "But I don't want my friends to go out of their way like this. You're here for me, and that's all I want."
Rainbow relaxed a bit. "Fine, if you're sure. You don't want help with whatever it is?"
"Sorry for the secrecy, but I'd rather keep it personal. Thanks for the offer."
Rainbow nodded, wanting to help, but told not to. "Alright. So, about Cherry..."
"I'm not having sex with a stranger, so no more prostitutes."
"But what am I going to do with her? I paid her for two hours."
"I'm sure you and Fluttershy can think of something." I said with a sly smile.
Rainbow's face went beet red. "W-whoa, do you think... I don't even think Flutters would even go for it."
"Try asking her."
Rainbow tapped her chin. "I think I'll go do that." She flew out of the room.
"Wait, Dashie and Fluttershy aredating?" Pinkie asked.
"I guess so."
Pinkie beamed. "Wow, all this time, two of our best friends were in love! I'd better go congratulate them the only way I know how!" She hopped once to leave, but stopped and turned to me. "Oh, and before I forget," Pinkie placed a hoof on my cheek. "I like you."
I raised an eyebrow at the contact, but paid it no further mind. "Thanks, Pinkie, I like you too."
Pinkie smiled widely at that and leaped off the balcony. Well, I was just happy that things worked out alright. Maybe now we could move on with our lives. I replaced everything in the room back to where they were supposed to be and opened the door, wanting to go downstairs and have that breakfast I was craving.
Cherry Bottom was propped on the door frame, smiling seductively. "With all the noise in there, I was worried you all started without me."
I froze for a second, and shut the door in her face. On second thought, I'll just take the balcony.
I stretched awake the next morning feeling better than the previous morning. With everything behind me, I was ready and set to have a more productive day. Yeah, I was a little hesitant to come back to the library since I was a little worried that she would still be there. It wasn't until I caught wind that Rainbow and Fluttershy had a good time a little later that I came back.
And by "caught wind", I mean Rainbow found me to brag about it.
All's well that ends well, so I was moving on. I woke up with Spike again, so we did our thing and went downstairs together.
My heart sank immediately. I stood at the base of yet another giant white cake in the living room. Dread filled the air, and only I could feel it.
"Uh, did you order a second cake when I wasn't looking?" Spike asked.
"God, I hope so." I said, staring up at the behemoth. Who did I piss off recently for this?
Rainbow Dash walked out from behind the cake, without Pinkie, strangely, looking confused. She held out a sack of coins to Spike. "Here, leave the library for a bit, will ya?"
Spike looked at the sack, but just shrugged. "Okay," He left the library, presumably for a second consecutive breakfast courtesy of Cream Cheese's Bagels.
I glared tiredly at the pegasus. "What did we discuss yesterday?"
"Hey, don't look at me!" She defended. "This wasn't my idea!"
"So whose idea was it to get another cake?"
"Er, you'll see, I guess."
I looked back to the cake with apprehension. "There better not be a prostitute in there."
"Oh, there's not." She remarked dryly.
"Then what's in it?"
Then the cake exploded. Frosting and pieces of cake flew onto both of us and around the living room, covering everything in a layer of delicious sugary toppings. I wiped it all off my face to see the reason for the confectionery demolition that shook the peace of my hopeful morning. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that there wasn't another prostitute.
It was just Pinkie Pie.
Granted, she was the only one in the room not covered in cake, despite being in the very center of the blast. That must have been a feat of sorcery greater than smuggling such a big cake into the library.
She smiled at me, scooping up a clump of cake and holding it up for me to see. "Looks like somepony is getting their just desserts."
Gag, that was awful. "Let me guess, you just wanted to get me some cake?" Presumably as an apology.
"That or a pie." Pinkie shot back.
I shrugged indifferently. "Either way, thanks." I sat down and scooped up a little cake.
Pinkie sat across from me, scooping up some cake as well. We ate cake right off the floor, and we didn't give a single damn about it. As far as breakfast goes, this was nice.
Pinkie held out a clump for me. An interesting game, which I decided to play. I leaned in for her to put it in my mouth. We both smiled at simple act. I held out a clump for her to eat as reciprocation.
Pinkie didn't just eat the cake out of my hoof, she wrapped her whole damn mouth around my hoof. She licked all around my hoof, moving her tongue in little circles along the center. There were few techniques she didn't use, like broad strokes on the periphery of my hoof, or just sucking on it. After a few strange seconds, she withdrew from my hoof with a pop.
I looked at my hoof, dripping with Pinkie's saliva. I looked at Pinkie, who licked her lips at me. I turned to Rainbow, who I explected to be the voice of reason here, who looked away with blood rushing to her face. "Uh, I gotta go." She left the library, too.
That left me alone with Pinkie Pie, who still looked like she thought my hoof made the cake tastier than it already was. I chuckled nervously. "How about we have a normal breakfast?"
Pinkie shrugged. "Okay."
We walked out of the living room, leaving the mess behind to clean up later. I was too embarrassed to bring up what Pinkie did to my hoof, so I just washed it in order to prepare for cooking. Pinkie joined me in the kitchen for the preparation, chuckling and nudging me playfully all the while. She was being very forward in wanting to spend time with me, which I really appreciated. With a smile from the both of us, we cooked breakfast together to start a wonderful day.