Following the levity of their impromptu pillow fight, the group found themselves in the main sitting room. In the end only Rainbow Dash, Starlight and Applejack had managed to land a pillow successfully. Thus they had decided that it should fall to all of them to clean up the mess. Which really meant that the two mages of the group whisked away the remnants of their epic battle with a simple spell. Twilight was currently enunciating a letter for Spike to draft up. It was addressed to the Hall of Records in Canterlot, requesting an appointment at their soonest possible convenience.
With the letter now sent the group were discussing how to proceed. Applejack and Twilight were trying to carefully break down some of the barrier's that Starlight had erected in her memories. However, the unicorn's enchantments were proving stubborn to their gentle prodding.
“C'mon sugarcube... I know it's hard but just think back okay. Do you remember anything about the foal... anything at all?”
Closing her eyes, Starlight tried to journey back into her past. However, no amount of concentration would lift the fog surrounding the memory. Groaning, she flopped down on the couch and rested her chin on the arm. Draping her forehoof down onto the floor she sighed heavily,
“No... No matter how hard I try nothing comes. Nothing new anyway... all I see is fog... I can't even remember if it was a filly or a colt.”
“Are you sure you didn't block the memories out like you did the other details?” Twilight asked. “Magically I mean.”
“I don't think so...” Starlight muttered in response. “I may have... but I don't remember doing it. All I wanted to block out was the name of the father. Nothing more...”
“Maybe it wasn't a spell...” Fluttershy piped up softly, raising her head from the book she was poring through. “Maybe you just don't want to remember. Umm, subconsciously I mean. Like how sometimes ponies don't remember accidents very well because their mind just blocks it out.”
“That might be it,” Twilight reasoned, but Starlight had her doubts.
“If it was something as simple as that then I wouldn't remember the other stuff so clearly. It seems very unlikely that of all the things to be fuzzy, it's the one thing we need...”
“Actually it could be nothing more than that,” Applejack said, a realisation dawning on her. “You don't remember erasing your memory because you didn't mean to. I'm guessing that when all this happened you were probably in an even worse state than you are now, correct?”
“Yeah, that's... sorta... putting it mildly,” Starlight answered, narrowing her eyes and fixing the wall with a deadpan expression.
“Okay, well what if your magic just started deleting things you didn't ask it to, but deep down in your heart you wanted it to...”
“Could that happen?” Fluttershy asked, having now fully joined the conversation.
“Easily,” Twilight sighed, rubbing her temples with her hooves. “In such an emotional state magic can go very awry... I'm loathe to try and magically undo the spells, both because of the length of time since their cast and the circumstances and conditions they were cast under.”
“Well if that's the case then I've just caused another complication,” Starlight muttered darkly under her breath. This theory made a little more sense, though again it seemed incredibly coincidental. Maybe this was karma for dooming an entire country seven times over.
“What was that?” Twilight asked, noticing the unicorn's mouth moving but not hearing any audible words.
“N-nothing,” Starlight answered immediately, sitting up and shaking her head. “Just getting frustrated is all. Sorry... I want to be able to do this but I just don't know how. Everything we need to know is hidden from me... It just seems like this is fated to be difficult.”
“It's alright, we'll think of something,” Fluttershy said kindly, smiling reassuringly.
“What if Princess Luna was able to help Starlight sift through her memories in a dream?” Rarity suggested.
“That would require me to dream about those memories would it not?” Starlight countered. “And I'm not so sure I really want a pony running through those dreams... Even if it is Princess Luna...”
“Yes that is fair enough I suppose,” Rarity replied. “Sorry, I'm just throwing out suggestions here honestly.”
“It's fine,” Starlight said with a weary sigh. “If needed we can use it as a last resort. Another thing is... I... I don't want too many ponies to be inconvenienced by this. It's my problem and having everypony running around worried just does not sit well with me. It was an accident that it came out in the first place. However, since it did I'm almost certain that I couldn't convince any of you that I'll be fine so I just...haven't bothered.”
Everyone just flashed her a knowing grin, causing Starlight to roll her eyes slightly. Of course not, they would help her to the end. Though she would always feel guilty about involving them, part of her knew it was for the best. Even so, involving ponies unnecessarily would make her uneasy. Princess Luna she had only spoken to on a few occasions and while they had all been cordial, the night princess had a country to help rule.
Yesterday, when she had been alone in her room it had occurred to her to write letters to Sunburst and Trixie. Neither letter had made it to the page. Trixie, like her was new to the realm of friendship and had her own life. Once again they had also only spoken on a few occasions, due to the nature of Trixie's nomadic lifestyle. Sunburst was...a more difficult case for her. The story was much more personal to him, as he had been the catalyst to the whole event. To burden him with that after being apart for so long...was not something she was willing to do unless it was absolutely necessary.
“Maybe we should just wait until Twilight gets an answer from that Records place,” Rainbow cut in, lobbing a cushion at the unicorn that she had been using to lay on. “It'd be a whole lot easier than flailing around in the dark.”
Yanked from her thoughts, Starlight caught the cushion lazily in her magic before answering, “Sitting around and waiting isn't really my style. But neither is just, as you put it, flailing around in the dark.”
Twilight had tuned out of the conversation to focus her thoughts. There had to be some way to break through without harming anyone. It would be possible for her or Starlight to try and remove the spells forcefully but there was no knowing how much damage that could cause. Magic like this was unpredictable and dangerous to tamper with. Tampering with a pony's mind was always dangerous. The methods Starlight had employed to remove her memories had good intentions but were overly drastic. They would have to be as delicate as possible, making sure to try every method before moving onto anything more risky. Thankfully the vast library of knowledge she had stored within her own memory rushed to her aid here.
“Actually Rarity's idea just gave me an idea... We could try to guide your thinking. It's sort of like hypnosis but a little more potent. The technical term for it is Dream Sharing. It allows a pony to enter another's mental world. While in there I could help you remember or at least determine whether it would be safe to remove your old spells magically. Have you heard of it before?”
“I think I came across it when I was searching for a way to deal with my nightmares but as it required two ponies I barely paid it much mind. Will it still work through the magic I placed?” Starlight replied.
Twilight gave a shrug and admitted, “I'm not sure really. My theory is that with me in the memory with you I might be able to see what you cannot. If the spells are specific only to you then it should work.”
“Isn't that just the same as Luna walking through her dreams though? Starlight already mentioned that the idea did not appeal to her.” Applejack asked, an expression of concern clear on her face. She looked towards Starlight, who was contemplating the idea.
It was true, the idea of having a pony in her dreams, even as a sort of observer still made her anxious. However, she trusted these ponies, explicitly. They had given her no reason not to. Steeling herself, she said confidently,
“I'll be fine. Let's give it a shot.”
“Hmm...okay let me go get some tutorial books on the subject. I've never actually cast the spell myself, aside from one rather abysmal attempt on Cadance when I was much younger.”
With a pop and a flash of magenta Twilight winked out of existence. Somewhere else in the castle, the library to be exact, she reappeared and began to search out any helpful books. Just as it had done last night, the exercise helped to calm the turmoil of emotions still coursing through her. Such tragic events had occurred in the city she had grown up in. When Starlight was having the worst moment in her entire life Twilight had probably been nose deep in a book. The thought made her stomach churn. In a twisted way, she felt guilty. Whether it was rational to feel that way or not, she could not shake the feeling that she should have done something. Maybe if a studious young unicorn had researched how corrupt the class system was it could have been abolished, but instead she'd been more focused on her magical studies.
Gritting her teeth, Twilight fought to hold herself in. She had to maintain her composure, for everyone's sake. It was the way a princess should act, put others needs before her own. Princess Celestia had been able to do that for over a thousand years. Right now Starlight needed her strong and calm, not weak and conflicted. Her own feelings would just have to wait.
Spike settled down on the sofa next to Starlight. She flashed him a weary smile, which he returned. He knew this was already difficult and a part of him knew it was only going to get worse, for all of them. Things always did with this group. It was inevitable. No matter how difficult things got though, the friends always prevailed. Sometimes the young dragon just wished things would go a little easier for them once in a while.
After thinning the collection of books to a more manageable level Twilight made her way back to the sitting room. A quick detour to the bathroom allowed her to wash her face and refresh herself. The cool water splashing against her cheeks had helped wash away the burning gritty feeling that had welled up in her eyes. Satisfied that she was presentable, she exited the bathroom and continued on her way. Once her friends were in sight she announced herself.
“I picked out a few books that should hopefully teach us all we need to know about Dream Sharing,” she said, glad that her voice was able to remain steady despite her earlier burst of emotion.
“That's a few?” Rainbow asked, raising an eyebrow and staring at the collection of books in disbelief.
“Compared to a whole library, yes,” Twilight shot back, glad that her inner turmoil had dampened significantly. She could still feel it simmering away inside her, but at this level it could be easily suppressed.
“I wouldn't put it past you to bring a whole library with you,” Rainbow retorted quickly.
“Well she doesn't really have to, since the library is already in the castle. She would have to move the castle and that would just move all of us with it, meaning that no progress would be gained,” interjected Pinkie Pie, effectively halting the verbal scuffle.
“Yes, well...anyway I've read most of these already so we should be able to get started and just use the books for help if we need it,” Twilight suggested, skimming through one of the guides.
Starlight had already grabbed another of the books and begun to flick through in a similar fashion to Twilight. “So... what do you need me to do?” she asked, quickly stopping to absorb an interesting paragraph while she waited on the answer.
“Just lay down and relax. You need to let your subconscious do all the work.” Twilight replied, gently teasing the book from Starlight's magical grasp. The unicorn mare rolled her eyes but did not resist.
“Fine, I'll try but I'm not exactly the relaxing type. Even in the spa.”
“We know,” Applejack chuckled good-naturedly. “You could give Rainbow Dash a run for her money.”
Twilight chuckled at this. “Yes, well it will be better if you can relax on your own but if need be I can probably cast a calming spell.”
“Okay, got it,” Starlight said, bobbing her head. She laid down on the sofa, resting her head on one of the arms. Spike hopped off to give her more room. Even stretched out across the comfortable sofa as she was, there was still a rigid readiness to her posture. Closing her eyes she tried to let go of her tension. It was much more difficult than she had imagined.
“Try taking some deep breaths,” Rarity offered gently. “Just forget we're here...”
Starlight slowed her breathing and took the alabaster unicorn's advice. With the world shrouded in darkness, every sound her friends made crashed across her ears. They twitched at every small movement, and soon her brow began to furrow. Letting out a frustrated groan, Starlight sat upright and the stillness of the room was shattered.
“Not able to relax?” Spike asked, even though the answer was obvious.
“No... I can't. When I try to still myself my whole body feels like it's on fire and just has to move,” Starlight said, glaring down at her hooves. “Sorry.”
“It's okay,” Fluttershy said softly. “Relaxing isn't easy when you know you have to...”
“It's also probably not easy with all of us here,” Spike pointed out. “If we're all crowding around her then it's just going to make the whole thing harder.”
“The book does suggest a quiet room, with as few distractions as possible.” Twilight read. “It might be better if one or two of us tried the process in your room. That way you'll be a lot more comfortable and there should be less distractions.
“Okay,” Starlight nodded, bringing her hoof to her chest nervously. Hopefully it would work this time, because if it did not then all fault would be on her.
“I'll come too,” volunteered Rarity. “I've picked up more than a few relaxation tips from Aloe and Lotus over the years.”
“That settles it then,” Applejack nodded. “We'll stay here and leave you to it.”
Starlight hopped off the sofa, wishing her heart would beat a little slower. This could finally provide the answers she had been hiding from herself for over a decade, if she was able to do it. Shaking her head she started to make her way towards her room. Both Rarity and Twilight followed her, but not before giving each other a worried look. This was going to be difficult.
The door to Starlight's room closed behind them with a heavy thump. Some of Starlight's trepidation left her in the familiar surroundings, though not much. Laying down on the bed, she tried to get herself as comfortable as possible. Twilight settled down on the side closest to the door, while Rarity sat down on the lilac mare's other side.
“Okay, now just get comfortable,” Twilight instructed gently, keeping her voice soft and soothing. “When you're ready I'll cast the spell. If you want me to stop at any point then just say so. You'll be in control, I'm just the guide.”
Starlight gave a small nod before inhaling and exhaling deeply. As the whoosh of air left her lungs she felt her body sink into the softness of her bed. Rarity took over at this point, helping her to find a rhythm to her breathing.
“Breathe in, and breathe out,” Rarity said, her tone similar to Twilight's. “Just let everything go... Breathe in, and breathe out...”
Following the fashionista's detailed instructions made Starlight's second attempt at relaxation much more successful than her first. Soon she was completely at ease, all fears having completely vanished in that moment. Something about Rarity's gentle voice was so calming that she could not help herself. It filled her ears, washing over her like a delicate sea breeze. Satisfied with the atmosphere in the room, Twilight took over again.
“I'm going to cast the spell now... Are you ready?”
“Yes,” came the murmured response. “Go for it.”
Channeling her magic, Twilight cast the spell. It was not a particularly difficult spell, but was not one she had had reason to practice. A thin tether of purple light sprouted from her horn and slowly wrapped around Starlight's head. When the loop was completed, the spell began.
“Okay, the first part of spell's complete Starlight. In your own time, tell me what you see.”
“I'm in my room, standing up I think. I'm alone from what I can see,” Starlight responded.
“Okay, thank you. Hold there for a second. I need to perform the next part of the spell. You won't feel anything, but I should be appearing next to you in your dream. I'll be able to see what you see, but if there's anything you think about and don't want me to see, imagine it behind a locked door. I won't open anything without your permission.”
Starlight allowed her inner self to sit, unsure of how long the next process was going to take. Twilight closed her eyes and focused, projecting her inner self outwards. While Starlight felt nothing, Twilight experienced a slight tugging all over her body. The sensation was uncomfortable in the second that it endured. As quickly as it had come, the feeling was gone and Twilight's inner self popped into existence next to Starlight's.
“Hey,” Twilight grinned, her mental avatar smiling happily at the success of her spell.
Starlight jumped inwardly, though none of the startled reaction was emulated by her physical body. Narrowing her eyes, she looked the Twilight that had appeared before her up and down. Twilight bore the scrutiny with the same pleased grin on her face.
“This is a little weird. You being in my head is something that a few months ago would have sent me flying into a rage... Now I'm...strangely comfortable with it,” Starlight chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof as she spoke.
Twilight giggled lightly. “Well I'm glad. We can discuss all that later though, we are here for a reason are we not?”
“Yes,” Starlight nodded, her face hardening with determination. “So... what do you need me to do?”
“Just, guide me through. Unlike Princess Luna I can't manipulate your dreams for you. I can help you when we're there, but you need to get us there.”
“Got it,” Starlight nodded, striding forward purposefully. Focusing her mind, she cast herself back eleven years ago, to that day. Her room door began to glow a muted shade of blue. Raising her hoof, Starlight pushed it open. Still focused on her desired destination, she motioned for Twilight to follow her then stepped into the blinding light behind the door. For a moment, Twilight watched her friend be swallowed by the intense light, before following her through.
When the light faded the pair were standing in a hospital room, observers to events that were all too familiar to Starlight. A much younger version of the young unicorn was laying on the bed, surrounded by nurses. Glowing vibrant red blotches soon marred Starlight's cheeks and she instantly fashioned a plain black door directly in front of Twilight's face. Confused the alicorn turned to her pupil with a quizzical look.
“Sorry... we arrived a bit too early... I'll open the door when it's done.”
“Oh, okay,” Twilight replied easily, needing no more explanation than that.
Returning her attention to the scene at hand Starlight sighed,
“Reliving it like this just makes the whole thing seem so distant... Like it never really happened. Even though I know it did.”
“It'll get better,” Twilight promised. “You'll work through it. I know you will.”
“Maybe, I just hope this gives the answers we need...”
Twilight extended one of her wings and laid it heavily across Starlight's back. The pressure on her inner self generated a comforting warmth on her outer body, quelling her doubts. “It will.”
“I'm sure it will be fine darling,” Rarity's voice said from behind the pair.
Both purple mages whirled around, coming within an inch of bumping heads. Rarity gave them a wave.
“So sorry if I'm intruding. I was just checking to see if Twilight was alright since she hadn't spoken in a while but I seem to have ended up here. I'm not quite sure how to leave either.”
Twilight blushed a similar colour to Starlight's previous episode of embarrassment. “Oops. My mistake. I forgot to mention that any physical contact will pull ponies into the link with me. You'll be pulled out with me once I leave. Sorry about that.”
“It's fine. I can stay back here if you wish dear. I know this is a rather private memory.”
“No, you can stay. You're one of my friends too,” Starlight said gently. Before Rarity could object she was enveloped in a teal aura and tugged over to the pair. “We're coming up to the important part anyway. I'll get rid of your door Twilight.”
The door in front of Twilight vanished, allowing everyone to see the scene unfold before them. The younger Starlight looked utterly exhausted but a triumphant smile touched her lips. Nestled in her hooves was a small newborn foal, or at least that's what they assumed it was. The shape was almost formless, only recognisable as a foal due to the size, proportion and context. Disappointment settled over the three, the magical barriers had persisted.
“Can you see anything?” Starlight asked, even though she already knew the answer.
“No... sorry,” Twilight sighed, while Rarity just shook her head. The alicorn sighed and squinted her eyes, trying desperately to see something, anything, beyond the blur.
“This is not going to be for nothing,” Starlight snorted, stalking forwards. Sparks of arcane energy leapt from her horn. Before either of her friends knew what was happening, Starlight had unleashed her spell. In an instant, the room was flooded with light blue light. It was a spell of purging. Her old magical abilities were no match for those honed by over a decade of bitterness and anger.
“Starlight!” was all Twilight was able to cry out as she was engulfed in the light.
For several seconds the light persisted, obscuring the memory from view. When the burning glow faded, the room was as it had been. None of the figures in the memory reacted to the intense magical release.
“Starlight!” Twilight called again, her expression a mask of worried fury. “What were you thinking?! Do you know how dangerous that was?”
“Uh, y-yes,” Starlight murmured, backing away timidly. Swallowing to try and steady her nerves, “I do, but I also know that I wasn't willing to have you all go through this effort for nothing. I'll be fine...”
“You don't know that!” Twilight pressed, pushing herself right up into Starlight's personal space.
Seeing Starlight's body tense, Rarity sensed an argument brewing. Not wanting the situation to escalate any more than it already had, the alabaster unicorn cleared her throat. It was time to try and act as a peacemaker.
“Um, darlings. I don't mean to interrupt again but I don't think this is the best time to be arguing. If Starlight took such a risk then we should at least see what the result is. Or it will all be for nothing.”
Twilight deflated slightly and averted her eyes. “I still don't like this, but Rarity's right.”
Starlight nodded slightly, her cheeks burning. Even though she had been well and truly ready to fight Twilight she knew deep down that the alicorn was right. The spell had been reckless and stupid. Something she seemed to excel at, being ridiculously impulsive. Pushing those thoughts aside, she turned back to the memory.
While the foal was still obscured as if being viewed through a film of tears, the fog was less dense than before. There was no colour, but the outline of what was nestled in the younger Starlight's arms slowly came into focus. A small pair of wings could be seen fluttering gently at the foal's flanks. Something inside Starlight clicked, and she instinctively knew that she was looking at a young filly. Overwhelmed by the flood of knowledge she snapped awake, holding her scorching head.
Beside her, Twilight and Rarity came back to themselves as well. The tether had been broken as Starlight's sudden recall had snapped her into alertness. The sharp jump back to reality had caused both Rarity and Twilight to end up sprawled on the ground.
“Sorry about that,” Starlight apologised, cracking one eye open to look at them through the throbbing in her head. “I couldn't help myself.”
“It's fine,” Twilight said, standing up and dusting herself off. “I sort of guessed that the exit would be a little bumpy under most circumstances. It seemed to work though after you pulled that reckless stunt.”
Hearing the heated concern in Twilight's voice, Starlight sighed. “Sorry... I just... couldn't let your effort go to waste.”
“There were better ways to go about doing that... There's no telling what the damage will be... I'll need to monitor you closely for a while...” Twilight said loudly. Reaching out with a hoof she gently placed it on Starlight's shoulder. In a softer tone, she continued. “I know that you feel guilty we're doing all this for you but we're doing it because we want to... You're our friend. We want to help you. There's no need to worry yourself. It wasn't your fault that this came up, it just happened.”
“I know... It just seems like my past is always coming to bite me and you're all always helping me with it... I need to be able to stand on my own hooves.”
“You are standing on your own hooves,” Rarity assured her. “You befriended Trixie all by yourself, you made amends with Sunburst and helped save the Crystal Empire. There's a lot of things you can do on your own, and a lot of things you have done on your own. Your past is just more troubled than most ponies...but once you're able to put it all behind you it will make you stronger. We all need help sometimes you know. You may feel like you're getting a disproportionate amount of help, but everyone goes through that from time to time. It's nothing to worry about dear, trust me.”
As the headache started to fade, Starlight flashed the pair the same goofy knowing grin they had all given her earlier. Rarity was right, and so was Twilight. Friends were supposed to help each other through the good and the bad. This was just her bad part. Silently, she made a promise to herself. Whenever any of her friends went through a rough patch, she would help them through with every ounce of her power. Just as they were doing for her right now.
“Thanks... That means a lot.”
Twilight nodded and gave the older mare a quick hug. “So... do you want to go tell the others what we found or do you want to lay down for a bit?”
“Let's go tell them. I'll be fine. The headache's going away a little. I think the rush of memories was just a little much... I still don't remember everything...but it's a start.”
Slipping off the bed, Starlight made her way towards the door. Twilight and Rarity followed behind, both watching her closely. Twilight's thoughts began to wander. Starlight's guilt had pushed her to recklessness. Both teacher and pupil felt guilty, for differing though related reasons. Part of her wondered whether an open discussion would help them come to terms with it, or whether it would drive Starlight to even more drastic measures. For now, she would keep her feelings hidden from the unicorn. Hopefully, that would allow her a little more time to decide.