Authors note: Now with even less brackets!
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"Lololol!" I yelled as I suddenly uncrouched and ran around a corner. The red circle on my radar told me that there was an enemy nearby and it wasn't hard to spot the red halo a few feet away. The same goes for previously stated red halo, as soon as I began moving he saw an approaching red dot and turned with his assault rifle spraying bullets randomly. It was too late for him, however, as I was equipped with the ultimate weapon of war. No, not a tank or missile launcher (or a big explosion gun as I like to call it), a sword. An energy sword, that is. It's easily the best weapon ever! At least it's the most fun weapon...
"Get that noob shit outa here!" I cried as I lunged forward with my sword and sliced through my enemy's precious skin. "Your skin is no match for me fool!" He was dead before he hit the floor.
Of course, I wasn't done with him yet. No, I've always had a firm belief that it pays to be polite, even in combat. Momma halo didn't raise no fool. That's why, whenever I kill a halo, enemy or otherwise, I always hump them. It's likely the politest thing you can possibly do.
With that said, I began tea-bagging the dead red halo corpse on the ground for a few seconds with sword in hand. It was all fine and dandy until some asshole green halo started shooting me with a pistol from across the bridge. I was pretty mad at this point. Who just goes around shooting people while they are humping their dead enemies? Really, who the hell does that? I, for one, wasn't about to let such a heinous crime go unpunished.
I got up off the thoroughly humped carcass and pulled the DMR off my back while simultaneously placing the sword hilt on my leg. The glowing blade of the sword just kinda' disappears when I'm not using it. Don't ask me how it works, I just assume that all the alien weapons are magic or something. Now it was time to dispense some sweet justice. Luckily the greengo (AKA green halo guy) was pretty terrible at aiming his pistol and I was able to jump around while pumping him full of delicious DMR bullets.
I should probably mention that I'm in sword base while this is happening and camping blue spawn (like a winner). If that doesn't make sense to you then that's just too bad, and it doesn't matter very much.
The green halo went down after a few (not so) well placed body shots and the announcer yelled 'killing frenzy'. Ten kill spree, no big deal. With that thought I ran up and gave the green halo a quick two-hump, I don't discriminate when it comes to humping. I then ran back into blue spawn. The DMR had respawned so I moved over it and magically picked up a bunch of bullets. I have no idea how that works, but I just assume it's like the ocean. Tide goes in, tide goes out, you can't explain that. I had over 60 bullets at this point. Pretty cool stuff, I know.
With my new bullets I was ready to face anything! Then I turned and was surprised to see that I wasn't alone in the room. I'm not perfect with my radar, ok? Standing a few feet away from me was none other than the same red guy I had killed and humped a few moments before. Unfortunately, now he had a shotgun which he had no doubt picked up after he respawned.
I gulped knowing where this was going. "You aren't mad about the whole 'humping' thing are you?" He obviously was mad. Judging by the fact that he had thunder cloud he was probably a high rank. For some reason, halos (especially high ranks) get really mad when you hump them, especially when you kill them in a dumb way first. I guess now that I think about it, that's pretty much the main reason why I do it in the first place. Being polite is just an excuse.
At this point I knew I was as good as dead, a shot from this close from the shotgun would undoubtably kill me and only a complete noob could miss with it. I wasn't going to go down without a fight, though, so I lunged forward and slapped the red halo right in the face with my DMR. Such an attack would destroy his shield temporarily but wouldn't kill him.
Now came the horrible pain of being filled with bullets from a shotgun at point blank. However, as the red halo fired, the bullets simply bounced off of me.
I didn't take any time to think about what the hell just happened, and instead delivered a punch directly to his face. This punch was enough to kill him without his shield, and he fell to the ground. After successfully beating down (or beating off as I call it because it brings me great lol's) the other halo, I was slightly confused. I wasn't confused about how I was able to kill a super strong, armored guy with a force field by punching him twice, I'm clearly just really buff, but instead I was confused as to why the hell the shotgun didn't kill me? I was so confused, in fact, that I didn't even hump the red halo.
At that point I looked down at my arms which I hold in front of me at all times and noticed something very strange. Namely that they were now glowing a light green.
I don't know how familiar you are with halo anatomy, but that's not normal. I started to rub at my arms to try and find out what was going on, but they only started to glow brighter and brighter. Before long it was enough to blind me and I started to experience a feeling of weightlessness. I guess it feels a lot like how I feel after a halo helicopter I'm in explodes, or when I drive a warthog off a cliff. I don't know, I was just pretty confused at that point.
This lasted for all of a few seconds before I felt that I was laying against a hard surface. It wasn't hard to guess that said hard surface was the floor. Of course, then I started hearing some voices.
"Did it work?"
"Ooo oo! What's that!"
"And what is it wearing?"
Now I was sufficiently confused, no halos would say something like that. In fact, most halos are too busy spamming their assault rifles and tossing grenades willy nilly to talk at all. Come to think of it, I don't hear any shooting or explosions, which is strange in my line of work. I open my eyes, which i just now realized were closed, and began to blink them in the hope that perhaps I would stop being blinded. Sure enough, the light started to dissipate and I was able to see that I was face down on a white marble floor.
Well that's different, as far as I remember sword base doesn't have any marble floors. The place is nice, but not THAT nice. I sat there for a good three seconds examining the nice floors before I noticed a bunch of red dots on my radar. Needless to say, I panicked. I bolted upright and pulled out my sword ready to slice every mutha chugga's face off. Of course this is that wtf moment when instead of seeing a bunch of angry, gun wielding halos, I see a bunch of weird, colorful, four-legged creatures.
They seemed about as shocked by me suddenly standing upright and pulling out my weapon as I was of them and they all reflexively took a step back. Now this was just plain weird. One seconds I'm doing my halo thing, killin' people and pissing them off by rubbing my junk on their visors, and the next I'm in a strange, brightly lit room with a bunch of what I can only assume are aliens. This wouldn't be so scary if I hadn't heard all kinds of stories from other halos about how aliens generally probe you in the no no zone. For some reason I got a mental image of the general saying 'prepare you anus'. I don't know why.
I sat there for a few seconds staring at the strange creatures while they did the same to me. None of us moved, we just sat there for like thirty seconds. At least this gave me time to examine them thoroughly, there were about a dozen of them in all. First off, they were all four-legged with big heads and abnormally large eyes. Either their eyes are shaped weird in their skull, or there's no way there is enough room in there for brains. Or perhaps it's magic...They were all about the same size except two of them that were much larger. These two were about as tall as me while the others only came up to like my waist. They also had both wings and a single horn on their faces while the others had either wings, a horn, or neither.
The weirdest part, though, is that they were a bunch of crazy colors. There was a pink one and an orange one and a purple one and a blue and rainbow one and... Well, you get the idea. I guess I can't make fun of them for being colorful, I usually wear light purple armor. I looked down at my hands and noticed that my blue halo armor that I was wearing in sword base had been replaced by my purple stuff. I also noticed the dark purple unicorn emblem on my chest. I wore it mainly because it was ironic (and because unicorns are cool), but now it was starting to look somewhat familiar.
At this point I realized that these things in front of me, at least some of them, must be unicorns. It was weird though, i'd never seen one before, and I thought they were just made up. Guess not.
Then the big white one with wings and a horn took a step forward and began to speak. "Hello, I am princess Celestia. Ruler of Equestria, along with my sister here, Luna." She gestured towards the big purple winged unicorn next to her before continuing. "Might I ask who you are?"
Ok, don't panic. Just dealing with a bunch of colorful talking unicorn things. No big deal. I cleared by throat before trying to answer. "Um, hi. I'm Halo man. Uh, what the hell is going on here?" In retrospect maybe I should use better manners when dealing with royalty, but I don't really care.
At least the white one didn't seem too taken aback by my use of the word 'hell' and simply started answering. "Well I used a spell to bring you here. Sorry to just pull you away from what you were doing, but we need your help."
Alright, they used a 'spell' which heavily implies magic. I can except that, my answer for just about everything that I can't explain is magic. "Ok. So, why do you need my help exactly?"
"Well, we believe that Canterlot, the city we are currently in, is going to be attacked soon by Chrysalis and her changeling army. Last time they attacked we got lucky and surprised them with the magic of love, but I'm afraid that that won't work again. Chrysalis is too smart to be beaten by something like that twice. The problem is, they outnumber us by a lot and none of my little ponies are very experienced in combat since we've lived in peace for so long. I'm afraid that if we get in another fight we might lose. That's why I used a spell to summon the most powerful warrior I could to aid us."
Alright, lots of information. Apparently they want me to help them fight a battle or something against 'changelings'. Note to self; ask about what those are, and who 'Chrysalis' is. "Ok, so let me get this straight, you brought me here with magic to help you fight your enemies?" Celestia nodded so I continued. "And you say the spell was supposed to get the most powerful warrior?" She nodded again. "And that would imply me?"
"Well, are you?" She seemed curious to see if her spell had worked.
I'm pretty sure that I'm not THAT good. "Well, I got like 1.8:1 kill death ratio (protip kids: ratios involve two numbers), and I was top scoring in the game I was in." Now the ponies looked confused and it looked like Celestia was going to ask what I meant before I continued talking. "Don't worry about it, it's not important."
Now came the hard questions, did I really want to help these unicorn things? I suppose I wasn't really doing anything important anyways, I was just fighting halo guys infinitely for no reason. And besides, this might be fun. "Ok, I guess I'll help you." While saying this I put my energy sword back onto my belt to let them know I wasn't going to attack them or something.
All the ponies smiled when I said this and Celestia started talking again. "Oh that's fantastic. I was worried that you wouldn't want to help us. Let me introduce everypony else to you."
I'll just go ahead and skip all the introductions because that's boring and stuff. So the two princesses (mostly Celestia, Luna hardly talked at all) introduced a group of six unicorn things as 'the elements of harmonics' or something. I assumed that they are a popular band with a name like that. Either way, if you're here you already know what their names are so I don't need to go into that. The other unicorn things in the area apparently weren't important enough for names because they are just guards.
After introductions, the ponies led me to a nice room with a big dining table. They were being very nice, clearly to get on my good side since they wanted my help. No bid deal though. We all sat down around the table on short little chairs that were clearly not made with halos in mind. It was kinda' awkward, but oh well. Within moments a group of servants came out from another room and brought us tea.
Normally I wouldn't drink tea, but I figured it would be rude to refuse it. I don't know why I even cared, normally I'm extremely mean. Perhaps it's because the unicorn things all looked adorable and I didn't want to make them sad. That was probably it. And besides, this was my chance to act like a sir.
I crossed one leg over my other knee and sat up strait while grabbing the tea cup in one hand. I even remembered the golden rule, 'when in doubt, pinkie out'. The ponies just kinda' stared at me while I brought the tea cup to my face.
"Mr. Halo man, darling. How are you going to drink that with your helmet on?" Asked the white unicorn (an actual unicorn, not a hornless or winged hornless unicorn) with purple curly hair also known as Rarity.
I simply brought the tea cup up to my visor and poured it onto my face and thus somehow drank it. Don't ask me how it works, I don't freakin' know! At this point the ponies were all displaying various degrees of 'what the fuck?' on their faces, except the pink one who was just smiling like always. "Please, Rarity, Mr. Halo man was my father. Just call me Halo man. And as to how I can drink this through my visor." I just shrugged and said the special word that explains everything. "Magic."
"I've never seen magic like that before." Said Twilight Sparkle, who is the purple unicorn.
I just shrugged again, I don't even know about magic. "So I'm slightly confused, are you guys like unicorns or something?"
All the unicorn things looked at each other before Twilight answered again. "We are ponies. Some of us, like Rarity and I, for example, are unicorn ponies. Then there are the pegasus ponies that have wings." She pointed a hoof (or tentacle, their legs look kind of like tentacles) at the light blue pony with rainbow hair, Rainbow Dash. "And then there are earth ponies that don't have a horn or wings."
Alright, so they're ponies, that sounds familiar. She called those ones earth ponies so they must be from Earth. "Hmm, I think I remember hearing that there were ponies on Earth, I don't remember hearing about them being so colorful though. Also why do the princesses have both wings and horns?"
The ponies seemed confused about what I had said about Earth, luckily Celestia started talking for them. "I guess we're just special. So, Halo man, where do you come from?"
"Oh, I lived on some nice planet called Reach. Or was it Beach? I don't remember. Anyways, it was nice and stuff, then a bunch of aliens suddenly started attacking us. So I was like 'no way' and I joined some group of other halos and we went around murdering the shit out of them. Of course, I'm not cold hearted, I made sure to hump their bodies afterwards. We killed like thousands of aliens, but they just kept coming in their big purple ships and eventually they managed to murder everyone on the planet. Then the few survivors flew off in a big ship and I was alone on the planet with like a billion crazy aliens that wanted me dead. Eventually they shot me in the head and I died. Now I just fight other halos who are different colors than me in various small areas that are impossible to escape from. Then when we die we just revive a few seconds later and kill each other some more."
All the ponies, including Celestia this time, just sat there with their mouths wide open trying to comprehend the story. All of them, except Pinkie Pie who nodded in understanding.
Finally Applejack composed herself enough to ask what all the ponies wanted to ask. "Wait, wha-what?"
"Heh, don't worry. I always hump the other halos when I kill them."
This clearly didn't answer the ponies' questions so they just continued to stare with their mouths open. It was starting to get weird so I decided to fix the situation. "Um, don't worry about it."
They were clearly still going to worry about it. Twilight finally recovered from the initial shock to ask what she wanted to. "So let me get this straight. You are from a planet called Reach?" I nodded. "And suddenly aliens started to attack?" I nodded again. "And you fought them?" I kept nodding. "Then everyone died, including you?" My neck was starting to hurt from all this nodding. "And now you fight other halos infinitely?"
"Yeah, that's pretty much it." I replied, glad that the ponies had understood.
"You expect us to believe that? That story doesn't even make any sense!" She replied with an exasperated look.
"Neither does magic, but you don't hear me complaining."
She looked like she was about to argue, but just sighed and stopped. Magic doesn't make any sense at all, even to her.
Then rainbow dash flew up next to my head and started talking. "Ohmygosh you fought aliens!? That's so cool!" She then put her hooves on her cheeks and made a face like this /)^3^(\.
Now that the ponies had accepted that magic explains everything, they all surrounded me with their own questions.
Applejack came up next. "What is that weird thing you have on your back, and that blue thing you were holding earlier?"
I smiled and pulled the DMR off my back. "This is my boom stick. Naw, it's just a gun." The ponies just gave me blank stares, they clearly didn't understand my joke or know what a gun is. "It's a weapon." Then I pulled the sword hilt off my belt again and the blade appeared on its own. "And this is my sword, it's a weapon that the aliens used."
Applejack examined the glowing sword for a few seconds. "That doesn't look like any sword I've ever seen. It doesn't even look sharp."
"Well give me something to cut and I'll show you how sharp it is."
The princesses shared a worried look for a seconds before Celestia levitating a nearby chair over. I was slightly confused, apparently the ponies have mind powers or something. It explains how they are able to hold things with their hooves. Of course I had to ask about it. "So, ugh, how do you do that?" I pointed at the floating chair with my free hand.
It took the the ponies a second to understand what I was asking but they eventually figured out that I was wondering how the chair was floating. "Oh, that's just magic." Replied Celestia nonchalantly.
"K." I replied, that was a good enough answer for me. After saying that, I lunged forward with my sword and slashed at the floating chair. It easily split in half and the two pieces fell to the ground with a loud clank. The ponies seemed impressed based on the way their mouths hung open as they stared at the easily severed chair.
"Well I'll be, that is sharp!" Said Applejack.
Next it seemed like it was Rarity's turn to ask a question and she stepped up. "So, why don't you ever take off your helmet. Not saying it isn't nice, your armor is absolutely gorgeous. I would just love to be able to examine it closely."
"Sorry, no can do. I don't take off my armor. I'm pretty sure the animators didn't even give me a face." I don't think I've ever taken off this armor, at least not that I can remember.
"Um, you don't have a face?" Asked Rarity, the ponies got confused easily, Pinkie Pie simply stepped up to her and put a hoof on her shoulder thus reminding her that sometimes it's better not to ask questions.
I Just shrugged again as Pinkie took a step forward. "So do you like parties?! Oh I bet you do! Do you have cupcakes on Reach!?!?"
I put a hand on my chin, or rather on the chin of my helmet and thought about this. I don't think I've ever been to a party, although sometimes when I kill halos they eject confetti out of their bodies. And sometimes I group up with other halos and we gang hump dead halos. I don't think that's what she means though.
"Umm, I don't think I've ever been to a real party, nor do I remember ever eating a cupcake."
Pinkie gasped when I said this and she started running around the room faster than a boosting Danny Phantom (that's what I call ghosts... Deal with it). "Ohmygoshohmygosh I'm going to throw you the biggest party ever!" She kept running around for a few moments until she was picked up by some glowing purple stuff and Twilight spoke up.
"Pinkie please (Gooby plz), we can throw a party later." Pinkie Pie seemed to calm down a bit after this and she rejoined the group with her signature huge face-engulfing smile.
Next Fluttershy spoke up, if you can call it that. She was still really quiet. "Um, Halo man. What kind of animals were there on Reach? If you don't mind me asking, that is..."
I can only remember ever seeing a few kinds of animals for some reason. Now that I think about it, I really can't remember very much before the alien attack. Turns out I don't have much of a back story. Basically the only animals I ever saw were various small birds, some big weird clawed things that I don't remember the name of, and these ostrich things. "Well there were these big ostrich things."
Fluttershy seemed to perk up at the mention of them. "Oh really, I've never seen an ostrich before! What were they like?"
I smiled to myself at the thought of the ostriches, those were some good times. "Well I only saw them a few times. The first time I was driving in a car and I ran two of them over. It was hilarious! Oh, then another time one was trying to run past so i shot it in the head with a pistol and I started humping it. I thought it was really funny but the other halos thought it was weird."
Fluttershy didn't seem amused though. "Oh, oh my..." Although she probably didn't understand some of those words, she seemed slightly disturbed at the thought of me hurting those animals. The other ponies didn't seem to appreciate the story much either. Oh well, I thought it was funny.
Now that all the ponies had asked their questions it got quiet for a little while as we all continued to sip our tea. The tea wasn't bad at least. Then Luna decided to speak up.
"Sooooo... What does thou do for fun in thy free time?" She probably just asked this to stop the awkward silence. Now it was apparent why she didn't talk much, though, she seemed kinda' old fashion.
"Well, there's lots of things. Like punching people to death, that's really fun. So is stabbing them with my super alien laser sword, and it makes them really mad. Oh, and EMP punching them, that's even funnier. And then i hump them and they send me angry messages, those always make me laugh. I guess it's pretty fun to throw sticky grenades on other halos too." Then I thought of the most fun thing ever.
"Oh, and sometimes idiots vote for rocket hog race. So me and my friend just take the car by the water and every time they spawn in it we shoot it into the ocean and they explode. One time we made our teammate go 0-49. It was one of the greatest moments of my life."
The ponies just stared at me, they clearly didn't comprehend the story. "Magic." I simply stated with a sigh. They stopped looking confused when I said that and started to nod their heads. Magic explains everything...
Then I thought of an even better story. "Oh, and this one time, two of my friends picked up these big machine gun turrets and stood on top of my mangoose (mongoose). And I drove them around really slowly while they shot people. I laughed so fucking hard..."
Once again the ponies didn't seem to understand the story and just gave me blank stares. Then Celestia looked around. "Oh, I didn't notice it was getting so late." It was only like 8:00 pm... "I'll have the guards show you all to your rooms." She meant me and the other ponies. "Sleep well, we can talk more in the morning."
After saying that she walked off and a white guard pony with golden armor came up. "Follow me please."
So we did, and he led us down several hallways until he got to a bunch of closed doors. "Here are your rooms, tell us if you need anything." The guard bowed his head slightly and then walked off.
The other six ponies all went to separate rooms so I went and opened one that they hadn't already claimed. I pushed open the door to reveal a large nicely decorated room. It was fully furnished and had a big painting on one wall of a bunch of ponies in a ballroom. The most exciting thing in the room was probably the bed though. It was really large, much larger than any pony would ever need. The place even had it's own bathroom! It's easy to assume that this room was so nice because it's in the castle and they are probably used to important guests.
I returned my attention to the bed. I can't even remember the last time I slept in a proper bed. In fact, now that I think about it, when was the last time I slept at all?
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Alright, I'll just make that the end of the chapter... I was just gonna' write this all as one big chapter, but screw it. Either way, it's probably only going to be a few chapters long at most, unless I think of some legitimate plot...
So yeah... Halo...