Star Chaser slept peacefully in his ship.
Crash!
That is, until a pirates ship crashed into the ground nearby.
Boom!
And exploded.
“Sweet Celestia, what the fuck was that?!” Star asked as he bolted up and frantically looked around. “Is the sky falling?”
“Close,” Eon said. “I’ve detected a bunch of ships fighting above. It's been a very harsh battle, and shows no signs of letting up!”
Star looked at the nearby fiery wreckage and cringed. “Thanks, weatherman Eon,” Star said as he finally calmed down. “So, does this mean I can't leave?”
“Well, you could try to,” Eon said, “but you never made any warp cells yesterday.”
“Well, after I make one?”
“There's an eighty-six percent chance that you'll be shot down and die a horrible, fiery death,” Eon said. “There's also a ten percent chance you'll die once you reach space, as there are also pirates there, but they're busy trying to board space freighters.”
“So, I have a four percent chance of surviving?”
“More like three percent. There's a one percent chance you'll die from an asteroid hitting you!”
“So, from what I've gathered: the odds are in my favor?”
“Definitely,” Eon said. “They're totally, one hundred percent in your favor.”
Star popped his ship's hatch and hopped out. “Well, what am I waiting for? Time to get to work!” he said as he shut the hatch and made his way towards a meadow.
“Star, are you feeling okay?”
“Fuck no!” Star answered. “I'm terrified! I'm just masking it behind false happiness,” he said as he fired off his mining laser at a nearby plant. “That said, I feel great. I got a mostly peaceful sleep.”
“Did you dream wonderful things?”
“I dreamt of Princess Luna and King Sombra dancing to the Macarena.”
“That's… interesting,” Eon said. “Any reason why?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Nope,” Star answered as he finished mining another plant. “That's enough Carbon, right?”
“You have enough to make five Suspension Fluids,” Eon said. “That said, yes. That's enough.”
“Alrighty,” Star said as he began to make the item.
Boom!
Star let out a sigh. Up ahead, another ship came crashing down in a hunk of fiery, twisted metal. “Eon, please tell me this won't last all day.”
“It's probably going to last all day.”
Star bit his lower lip as he continued to make the fluid and, after the longest minute of crafting ever, he finished it. “Finally!” he said. “Now, to make the Electron Vapor!” Star looked through his inventory and frowned. “Eon, where did all of my plutonium go?”
“You used it all.”
“When?”
“You use it when you're not paying attention,” Eon said. “Which is nearly all the damn time.”
“Oh,” Star said. “Well, guess I better go find some plutonium.”
“Uhhh… no kidding?”
“Listen, talking like somepony is actually listening helps keep me calm,” Star said as he trotted over to a vein of plutonium. “It makes me feel like somepony actually gives a crap.”
“Yeah, well, nopony does.”
“I know,” Star said as he mined the plutonium. “Thanks for reminding me.”
“Aww, there, there” Eon said. “Maybe there's an animal somewhere that thinks your rambling is worth something.”
“Like a dog?”
“Star, I feel like you'd be the only pony who could get a dog to not care about you.”
“I disagree,” Star said as he finished mining the plutonium. “I grew up with dogs. They loved me!”
“I feel like I should say you're full of crap,” Eon said, “but I can't help but find the thought of you as a foal playing with a dog oddly cute.”
Star stopped in his tracks. “I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Okay?”
“Good idea,” Eon replied. “How about we change the topic?”
“Okay,” Star said. “Have i ever told you the time I got visited by the 'Ponies in Black'?”
“That urban myth about Celestia having agents who intimidate pony's into saying they didn't see something they'd deem harmful to society?” Eon asked. “Oh, come on. You're kidding.”
“I'm serious!” Star said as he mined another vein of plutonium. “They knocked on my door and asked to come inside. I was living on my own and was terrified. They wore all black and had these slick, black shades. They were both unicorns and never smiled.”
“Y’know, I'll regret this,” Eon said, “but go on. I need to know how this ends.”
“Well, I asked why they were here. One said they had an urgent matter to discuss with me,” Star said as he went to another vein. “Naturally, I asked what they wanted to discuss with me. One said that I hadn't seen something important, and that I had never seen it.
“I asked what they were talking about, and the other unicorn told me to stop playing stupid. I—again—asked him what they were talking about, and insisted I had no idea who they were. That's when they told me they were from the IRS,” Star said. “They told me I was being audited.”
“Did they tell you that you'd seen no UFOs before they left?”
“Sort of,” Star said. “They said they were going to take away my model UFO, and that I'd probably never see it again.”
“Well, the joke's on them,” Eon said. “You have your own spaceship now.”
“And they took my stuff.”
“I feel we should've said what the other said,” Eon remarked.
“Too late now,” Star replied. “Also. Time to make the vapor!”
Boom!
Star let out a sigh of aggravation. “Come on,” he said under his breath. He began to make the vapor when another explosion came from not too far away. His right eye twitched as he saw pieces of fiery metal crash to the ground. “I enjoy watching dogfights, but I'm usually seeing them in a movie,”
“What about when you're participating in them?”
“I hate them,” Star said as he finished the vapor. “Well, now I've just got to make the antimatter.” He scanned the area and smiled. “Zinc and Heridium nearby? It must be my birthday!”
“Does this mean I can give you a gift?”
“Do I dare ask what you got me?”
CRASH!
A ship came crashing down in front of Star, crushing the flora in front of him, before exploding, which made the explorer duck out of the way.
“A new ship,” Eon said.
Star got back up and looked at the scorched flora. His right eye twitched as he grit his teeth. “Come on!” he yelled as he repeatedly stomped his hoof on the ground.
“You realize there's probably a few flowers that weren't burnt, right?” Eon asked.
Star sighed and scanned the area. Sure enough, a single flower remained. He ran over and picked it. “Haha! Now for the Heridium!” Star said as he made his way over the pillar of the mineral
“This is the happiest I've ever seen you when it comes to mining,” Eon said. “Fake happiness or not.”
“That scares me,” Star said as he approached the massive pillar. “This scares me even more.”
“You know you don't have to mine the entire thing, right?”
“Yeah, but that's still a big pillar.”
“It's maybe four feet bigger than the last one you mined from.”
“Eon, stop trying to calm me down. It won't work,” Star said as he mined from the pillar.
“Fine,” Eon said. “Drama queen.”
“My sister called me that all the time,” Star said. “You remind me of her. You just show five hundred percent less affection.”
“Your sister sounds like she's a smart mare,” Eon said. “Can I meet her when we get back to Equus?”
“Sure,” Star said. “You two can talk about how AI’s are evil!”
“On second thought… I'll pass.”
“Thought so,” Star said as he finished mining the Heridium. “Alright now to-”
Boom!
Star flinched. Just ignore the noise and make the damn thing.
Kaboom!
Just. Ignore. It.
VWOOM!
Star let out a high pitched shriek and jumped in fear. He looked around and saw another ship come crashing down and send up a tsunami of dirt—though significantly smaller than the one the space freighter caused. That's when a thought hit him. “Why am I still out here?”
“Because you have the IQ of a Dung Beetle.”
“I think you're insulting Dung Beetles,” Star said as he watched another ship come crashing down. A few shards of flaming metal narrowly missed the awestruck explorer, who finally ran away from the chaos. “I mean, they at least use the galaxy to navigate!”
“I'm amazed you know this,” Eon said. “I would've expected you to say I had the IQ of a peanut.”
“Okay, first of all, I was fascinated by insects as a foal,” Star said as he teleported ahead. Behind him, he could hear another ship explode. “Second of all, you have the IQ of a coconut. Don't insult peanuts.”
“You're not my mother,” Eon said in as sarcastic of a voice as an AI could possibly make.
“If I was your mother, I would've put you up for adoption,” Star said as he neared his ship.
“Oh, that stung,” Eon said. “Either that or I'm going to short out soon.”
Star teleported to his ship's side and popped the hatch. “Save it for later,” he said as he hopped in. He shut the hatch and started his ship up. “For now, let's get out of here.”
“And the antimatter? Or the warp cell?”
Star flew up and began to break through the planet's atmosphere. “I'll do that now!” he said.
“Uhhh… Star?”
“Lemme guess,” Star said. “Pirates”?
“No,” Eon said. “You're about to fly into an asteroid.”
Star's eyes shot open. In front of him was a several hundred foot wide asteroid. “Oh… balls,” he said. He aimed his photon cannon at the massive space rock and fired at it, which made a large enough hole in it for the explorer to fly through. Behind him, the massive rock got pulled into the planet's gravitational pull.
Star let out a heavy sigh and went back to making the antimatter. “This goes there and… tada!”
“Now, make that warp cell before the pirates detect you.”
Star immediately got to work on the warp cell…
When he realized something.
“I need more thamium 9…”
“Good going.”
Star sighed as he flew towards a few meteors. He fired his photon cannons at them and mined a bit of the mineral. “Okay, finally!” he said as he rested his head on the steering wheel.
“Star, I've detected a hostile scan.”
“Shut up, Eon.”
“Star, I'm serious.”
“Please, shoot me.”
“I've detected another scan.”
Star grabbed the antimatter and hastily put together a warp cell. “There!”
“Star, that looks like you use a glue stick, tape, and a can of spray paint.”
“It'll work!” Star snapped back. He out the warp core in and smiled as he activated his galactic map. “Okay, now to our next destination!”
As the duo warped to the new star system, a few pirates appeared and crashed into a space freighter.