Star Chaser rubbed his temples. “Okay, remain calm,” he said to himself. “I just need to think.”
“Don't think too hard,” Eon said. “You might hurt yourself!”
“You aren't helping!” Star said. “Well, you never have, but that's besides the point.”
“Your points usually consist of yelling and whining like a foal who didn't get s toy,” Eon said. “Stop trying to sound like you're anything other than a moron.”
Star ignored the AI and tapped his chin.
“Oh, lemme alert the nearest fire department,” Eon said. “I feel you might burst into flames from all that thinking!”
“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Star smirked cockily and set his sights on the space station. “I have a plan.”
“Oh, did I just hear that correctly?” Eon asked. “You have a plan?”
“That I do.”
“And what is your master plan? Are you going to enter the space station and steal something?”
“Close!” Star said. “I'm going to apologize.”
“What?!”
“Did I just blow your mind?” Star asked. “I mean, I know it's a pretty damn good plan, but geez. The almighty artificial intelligence can't comprehend the ingenuity of apologizing!”
“Star, you can't be serious,” Eon said. “You punched a Gek, stole its blueprint, then decide to fucking apologize.”
“What's so bad about that plan?”
“You seriously think they'll let that all slide if you go 'I’m sowwy’?”
“Yes.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you might very well he the dumbest pony to ever disgrace the universe with his existence?”
“Yes.”
“Fucking. Shocked.”
Star navigates passed a few meteors and neared the space station. “Eon, trust me-”
“Famous last words!”
“Hey, shut up!” Star snapped.
“Hah, no.”
“Listen you stupid thing!” Star growled. “Trust me, I've got this.”
“Also famous last words!”
“You somehow always manage to find new ways to make me want to commit horrible acts of violence,” Star said as he flew the ship into the space station and landed. “Sooner or later, I'll be on trial for murder and look like the biggest moron as I shout, 'the AI made me do it!’”
“I'll be sure to somehow record the entire thing so I can watch it on loop,” Eon said.
Star opened the ship's hatch. “You know, I could technically replace this suit with a new one right now, and I wouldn't die!”
“Right, but what suits aboard a Gek piloted space station would fit a pony?”
“Eon, stop ruining moments that fill me with joy.”
“No.”
“I hate you.”
“Nicest thing you've said to me since we started this stupid mission… how many years ago?”
“Enough that I don't care if I die being cooked alive.”
“Oh, could I help?” Eon asked. “I've been known to make a mean soup!”
“Because I totally believe you can make something that is positive in any fashion or form,” Star said as he walked into a long hallway.
“My positivity circuits were fried when they saw who wore the suit I was programmed into,” Eon said. “Your ego burns with the fury of a thousand suns.”
“Glad to know some part of me is radiant!”
“I hope it supernovas soon.”
“Okay, shut it,” Star said as he entered an office. “Let's be on our best behavior while I explain what happened.”
A Gek behind a desk put down a chart and glanced at Star. “Navagra ilk por?” It asked.
“Uh, hey!” Star said. “I'm here to apologize for punching one of your workers and taking his blueprint.”
The Gek stared silently at Star.
“So, apology accepted?” Star asked with a smile.
The Gek slammed its fist on a button and sounded an alarm.
Star’s right eye twitched as the alarm blared. “Fuck-a-doodle-doo…”
“You're the greatest planner that has ever lived, Star!” Eon said. “Tell me, what's your plan now?”
“Uhhhh.” Star frantically looked around the office. “Well, I'm going to steal a warp core!”
“You know, I bet that Gek who had the blueprints had one,” Eon said. “Of course, you in your infinite wisdom decided 'Nah, screw that, let's just run out the door!’”
“Can it, you intolerable machine!”
“I'm an artificial-”
“I don't give a flying fuck what you are right now!”
A few Gek stormed through the door where Star had entered and aimed their multi-tools at him.
“Oh balls,” Star said.
“Oh, lemme get popcorn!” Eon said. “I've always wanted to see you become the bastard love child of swiss cheese and a pin cushion!”
“Shut up and try to help me!” Star said as he looked around the room for a way to escape.
“Hey, genius, why not the plant over there.”
Star looked over at a potted plant. “Oh, good idea.” He levitated the plant over to himself and hurled it at the group of Gek, which knocked them down. “Ta-ta!” He said as he ran passed them.
“Ah, crap, I actually helped you?” Eon asked. “I was hoping that they’d shoot you before you actually did anything.”
“Something tells me they wanted to take me alive,” Star said as he ran down a long hallway.
The Gek stood back up and spun around. “Ilk porva urtic!” They yelled as they fired off bolts from their multi-tools.
“What was it about them wanting to take you alive?” Eon asked.
“Oh, blow it out your non-existent ass!”
“Nevar ilk parva!” A Gek shouted to Star before it fired off several bolts.
“I can't understand a damn thing you're saying!” Star yelled back. “But honestly, I'm sorry!”
“Star, I doubt they can understand you either,” Eon said. “And I doubt they'll care either since you plan on stealing a warp core.”
“Hey, I can try to at least seem like slightly less of a dick than I actually am. Right?”
“No, you’re irredeemable.”
“You know how to make me feel like the greatest pony in the universe,” Star said as he entered the landing dock of the space station. “Okay, where do you little freaks keep the warp cores?” He asked aloud.
“You really think they’d just show you?”
“Maybe.”
“You’re so naive, I swear you still believe in Santa.”
“Wait, Santa isn’t real?!”
“No, you idiot.”
“MY LIFE IS A LIE!”
“Just get steal that damn warp core before the end of the damn century you dipstick.”
Star ran to the other side of the landing dock, dodging a few blasts from the Gek that were in pursuit, and tried to open the door. “Ah, shit, it’s locked!”
“You’re a unicorn!” Eon yelled. “Use your fucking magic!”
Star fired a powerful magic blast at the door, which blew a hole in it. “Oh… I didn’t think that would work,” he said as he walked through the door.
“You are unbelievably stupid today,” Eon said. “Did you hit your head when I wasn’t paying attention?”
“Hey, it’s a space station. I’d expect reinforced crap, y’know?”
“And you have magic that has probably never been seen by the Gek in this star system! You think they’d truly understand it?”
“Uhhh…”
“Damn, you make my processors hurt.”
“Wait, you can feel pain?”
“It’s a figure of speech, stupid!”
Star chuckled to himself. “You’re right, seeing the other one of us suffer is really fun.”
“You’re a dead pony, Star.”
“Being with you? Already am.”
Eon let out a sigh. “My sensors indicate there’s a warp core in a nearby safe.”
“Can you be specific? Like, which room?” Star asked as he barricaded the blow open door.
“To your right,” Eon said. “In the damn storage facility.”
Star turned to his right. Sure enough, there was a giant safe. “Oh.”
“You’re hopeless. Completely hopeless.”
“Hey, I’m not good under stress!”
“Then how the hell did you manage to perform functionally on Laprasioko Eyrong?”
“I wasn’t being shot at!”
“You know, I must now ask you a serious question,” Eon said. “Tell me, did you get that position of lieutenant given to you written in crayon?”
“No, it was given to me in colored pencil,” Star said as he blasted open the safe.
“You disgrace colored pencils.”
Star ignored Eon and shifted through the contents of the safe. “A coupon for a free ship? Jackpot!” He said as he placed it in his inventory.
“Lieutenant Fuck Up, you might want to hurry,” Eon said. “The Gek are getting through your barricade made of chairs, tables, and teddy bears.”
“What?! Even the teddy bears?!”
“Especially the teddy bear's!” Eon said in a sarcastic tone. “I can’t believe that cotton is being defeated by a laser!”
Star frantically grabbed a warp core and a blueprint. He turned to face the barricade and waited for it to break down.
Crash!
Three Gek troops ran in and fired wildly at Star.
Star, meanwhile, hurled another potted plant at them and ran passed them. “I guess they hate plants,” he said as he leaped off the balcony and ran towards his ship. He hopped in and started it up. “So long, fuckers!”
“Your manners make me want to cry,” Eon said. “So much.”
“Hey, they didn’t accept my well thought out apology.”
“Your apology held as much weight as wet paper,” Eon said. “I’m pretty sure nobody could ever blame them for not accepting it.”
“Well, I think I deserved to be forgiven.”
“You deserve to be shot.”
“Meanie.”
“I’ve got something better,” Eon said. “Warning: enemy ships approaching.”
Suddenly, several blasts flew passed Star’s ship. “Aw, crap,” he said as two Gek ships closed in on both sides of him, with a third directly above him. “Okay, time to have some fun!”
Star swerved passed the ship to his right and turned around towards the space station. “I’ll let the meteors handle them!” He said.
“You realise that plan is unbelievably stupid, right?”
“Yep.”
“Then why not just shoot them down?”
“Too much work.”
“And this is better how?” Eon asked as Star flew passed a large meteor.
“Well, I don’t have to worry about somehow shooting an innocent pilot.”
“Oh, wow, you have a conscious.”
“I'm so glad your faith in me is growing,” Star said as he watched a Gek pilot fly directly into the meteor he’d passed. “Hey, Eon, play some kick ass music for me.”
“Hmmm… ah, I've found just the song!”
Just then, the music of gods and warriors started to play.
“Yodel ay oddel ay oddel ay oh! Yodel ay oddel ay oddel ay oh!” A voice sung.
“Eon! What is this shit?!”
“What? Don't like it?”
“Turn this garbage off!” Star snapped as the sound of champions surrounded him.
“Hah, no. You're going to deal with it, and you're going to like it.”
Star let out a groan. “Your taste in music makes me want to vomit.”
“I think most ponies, and aliens, feel that way when they see you.”
“Well, you aren’t wrong there,” Star said as he swerved around a meteor and watched a Gek crash into it. “My marefriend-”
“Don’t continue.”
“-used to say the very sight of me made her physically ill.”
“I asked you not to continue.”
“Yeah, and when I asked you not to continue, you did so anyways! So screw you!”
“I am programmed to do that, you numbskull.”
“I don’t care!” Star snapped. “You did it to me, so I did to you!”
“That’s such a wise, thought provoking philosophy,” Eon said. “For those idiots who can’t let go of grudges.”
“Okay, you know what, I don’t want to talk to you until the last ship is-”
Before he could finish his sentence, the third and final ship flew passed Star and into a large meteor.
“Fuck.”
“All enemy ships have been eliminated,” Eon said. “So, where were we?”
“I’m just going to install the hyperdrive,” Star said. “If you so much as talk to me, I’m going to raise Tartarus.”
“I’m now talking to you. What are you going to do about it?”
“Oh, Celestia, please help me get home so I never have to be near this jackass ever again.”
“I hope she sends you back into space so we can become the bestest of friends.”
“HELP ME!”