//------------------------------// // Gek Tech // Story: No Pony's Sky // by Vertigo22 //------------------------------// Star Chaser kicked back in his seat as his starship flew towards the planet ahead of him. “So, do you have a model name or something?” “You ask this why?” The AI asked. “It'd be nice to actually call you by a name,” Star said. “Y'know, outside of 'obnoxious piece of trash’.” “My model name is Standard Issue Artificial Intelligence,” the AI said. “Okay, that's a stupid name,” Star said. “From now on, I'm calling you Eon.” “Why 'Eon’?” “It sounds cool.” “That's a stupid reason.” “Shut it, prick.” “How mature.” “I told you to shut it!” Star yelled as he swerved around a few meteors. “Make me.” “I… er…” Star let out a sigh and cursed to himself. “Warning: approaching planetary atmosphere. Pulse jumpers now offline,” Eon said as the ship made its descent into the planet's atmosphere. “I can see that,” Star said. “I'm not stupid, or blind.” “My sensors indicate you'd be one of several dozen pilots who are dumb enough to not realize they're near a planet.” “Hey, I've only once not realized I was near a planet, and that's because I'd been up for thirty hours straight fleeing pirates!” “And whose fault was that?” “Uhhh…” “Thought so,” Eon said. “Next time: don't try to rob the beings that have enough firepower to take over a space station.” “You're not my mom!” Star snapped. Thankfully, he thought. “You're right, I'm not,” Eon said, “but I know how to contact your boss, your monarch, and—yes—your mom.” “Stupid thing,” Star grumbled as he landed his starship on the ground. “Are you going to keep giving me new names?” Eon asked. “Can it, chucklefuck!” “I'll take that as a 'yes’.” “No, I won't keep giving you new names,” Star said as he opened the hatch. In front of him was a large, grassy field. “So, where exactly are we?” He asked. “This planet looks almost habitable.” “My sensors indicate this planet is known as Laprasioko Eyrong,” Eon said. “It's prone to intense rainfall and is devoid of fauna.” “Excellent! I won't get head-butted by another freak of nature today.” “You may, however, freeze,” Eon said. “Warning: storm imminent.” “Aww, but I don't like the cold!” Star whined. “Quit crying and go to the distress signal so you don't become a popsicle,” Eon said. “Even if that does fill my nonexistent mind with what you Pony's call 'joy’.” “Fine, fine,” Star said as he walked in the direction of the signal. “So, this place is devoid of fauna?” He asked. “There could potentially be some life forms somewhere,” Eon said. “But I don't know, as I lack data on the planet, aside from the name.” “If you lack data in the planet itself, how do you know the name?” “The Atlas has names to every known star system and planet,” Eon said. “While you've been off galavanting on planets that I wish killed you several dozen times over, I gathered information from the Atlas.” “So, wait, you know the names of the planets and star systems,” Star said, “but you didn't bother to learn alien languages so I don't get myself killed?” “I don't have a translation program installed,” Eon said. “Even if I learned the alien languages, I wouldn't be able to translate them for you.” “What kind of AI doesn't have a translation program in it?!” Star cried out. “Truthfully, I was made for tour guides,” Eon said. “Not for failed military personnel.” “Wait, you're telling me I'm stuck with an AI that was made for tours?!” Star yelled. “Then why in Celestia's name are you in my suit?!” “Meh, I dunno,” Eon said. “Maybe they hoped you'd die.” “I'm so glad you have as much faith as I do in the thought that others genuinely like me,” Star said. “Now, allow me to react in the only way I know how.” Star took out his multi-tool and looked around. “Oh… wait, there's fauna here. Crap.” “Nice going,” Eon said. “Now, allow me to make your life all the better.” Star looked up at the sky. “Oh, I hate everything about life,” he said as rain began to pour down. “Is every planet we visit going to rain on my parade?” Star asked as he galloped towards the distress signal. “Did you really just say that?” Eon asked. “Yes, I did,” Star said. “Deal with it.” Star leaped off the edge of a cliff and activated his jetpack to slow his fall to the other side. “Warning: thermal levels at seventy-five percent,” Eon said. “If you're lucky, you'll freeze slowly, and I can bask in your agony.” “Don't you do that already?” Star asked as he leaped over a rock. “Though, I'll admit, the idea of freezing to death is slightly more appealing than being stuck with you for Celestia knows how long.” “How could I improve my appeal to you?” “Uninstall yourself and never return,” Star said. “Bonus points if you also eject yourself from my suit and ignite when you hit the ground!” “I don't want to,” Eon said. “Deal with my presence, lieutenant.” Star ran under a cliff to catch his breath. “When… when we get home,” he said as he gasped for air. “May Celestia have mercy on your AI’s product line!” “You're delusional.” “I know,” Star said as he slumped to the ground, his heart racing. “Er, wait.” “Moron.” As Star continued to gasp for air, a thought hit him. “What are my thermal levels at?” He asked, a hint of panic in his voice. “Fifty-two percent,” Eon said. “The storm shows no signs of letting up. I recommend either curling up to die or going out to find Oxide Elements to refuel your thermal power.” “Okay, how did you ever get put into anything with how you talk?” Star asked as he ran out from under the cliff. “Not that I have a problem with it.” “You're a shit liar, Star,” Eon replied. “That said, I was programmed this way by a disgruntled employee. He made this part of me subtle. It only truly shows to ponies like you, whose personality is as appealing as eating glass.” “Aww, thank you,” Star said as he scanned his surroundings with his multi-tool. “My first marefriend told me the same thing.” Star walked over to a flower and, with his magic, removed the contents of it. “I'm shocked anyone ever loved you,” Eon said. “By the way, you're thermal levels are now below fifty percent.” “Thanks for the alert, bud.” Star put the Zinc into the thermal power source. Quickly, their levels rise back up to one hundred. “You make my life complete.” “Oh, what I would do to see you as a spy being interrogated by an enemy country,” Eon said. “That would be gold.” Star rolled his eyes when another thought hit him. “Eon, how far are we from the distress signal?” “You should arrive there in about three minutes.” “Why didn't I just land next to the signal?” “Because you're a fucking moron.” Star let out a sigh. “Son of a bitch.” “I concur. You are a son, and your mother appears to be a bitch,” Eon said. “From what I read, she punched Celestia.” “Hey, don't go snooping through my mother's history!” Star snapped. “Even… even if she was a bitch.” “Just go to that stupid beacon.” Eon replied. “Inconsiderate dick,” Star grumbled. “Ho-oly crap! Did she really try to steal Luna's teddy bear?” Eon asked. “No wonder you got kicked out of college!” “That was tabloid bait!” Star shouted. “I think.” “Hah, I'll believe that when I see flying snakes,” Eon said. “Just continue towards the beacon. I'm gonna keep reading about how her behavior got you kicked out of college.” Star rolled his eyes and continued towards the signal, a look of anger on his face. --- A little while later, and after the storm had cleared, Star arrived at the beacon. “Okay, how do I trace the signal?” He asked as he approached it. “Last time I tried to work one of these things, it exploded.” “Hit the flashing button,” Eon said. “Are you sure?” “No.” “Welp, here goes nothing!” Star said as he hit the flashing button. A beam of light shot into the air. “Okay, if that thing blows something up, it's not my fault.” “It's entirely your fault.” “Yeah, I know.” The beam of light scanned the nearby area before applying a waypoint marker a long ways away. “My sensors indicate that a Gek set up this beacon,” Eon said. “Of course, I doubt you care.” “Ooooh, you read my mind!” Star said. “Tell me, what am I thinking?” “Eon is the greatest AI ever.” “Okay, never mind,” Star said as he made his way back to his ship. --- “You know, you could've saved so much time if you had just landed near the beacon,” Eon said. “Eon, I know this! You've repeated yourself since I left the beacon itself!” Star snapped. “Yeah, but you know I'm right. Right?” “You’re like a nagging wife,” Star said. “Except you're attached to a part of me that I can't remove, or I'll die.” “So, it's like ‘'till death do us part’?” “Yes, except I want to use your non-existent eyes as ping pong balls.” “Oh, dearie, you're making me blush!” Star hopped into his starship. “Eon, if I had the option of being eaten alive or living with a physical version of you, I'd find the nearest cannibal and give them every unit I have.” “What if I was that cannibal?” The starship took off and flew towards the waypoint. “I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of that,” Star said. “Ever.” “I bet you taste like five week old rat.” “And I bet you taste like nine year old rust.” “Put us together and we're a meal fit for a king.” “Me, yes. You're more fit for a sewer pipe,” Star said. “Or a junkyard.” “Why do I feel like those are places your marefriend wanted to send you?” Eon asked. “Or were those places your mother wanted to send you?” “I'm pretty sure my marefriend wanted to eject me into space,” Star said. “Though for all I know, she wanted to bury me alive. As for my mother, she outright told me she wanted to watch me burn via volcanic eruption.” “How sweet! Why didn't you give her that as a mother's day gift?” “Nearest volcano was ninety miles away. You really think I'd walk all that way just to wait for a volcano to erupt?” “Yes.” “Only if I could bring you with me.” “No.” “Then that settles it!” Star said as he landed his starship outside of a large facility, the grass around where it landed being flattened. “I won't go die by a volcano.” “Bummer,” Eon said. “I wanted to see what it looked like when a douchebag burned to death.” Star hopped out of his starship. “I bet it's the most beautiful thing,” he said as he made his way towards the facilities door. “Though seeing you get smashed to pieces by a large sledgehammer is a close second.” “I’m beginning to think you dislike me.” Star let out a heavy sigh and approached the door, which automatically opened. “Oh, crap,” he said as he saw what was inside. Sitting on a chair, and reading a chart of sorts, was a small alien known as a Gek. Its face was wide, and it had two small eyes on opposite ends. Its skin was a light green, and looked almost rough to touch. It lowered the chart and let out a strange cry, almost like a duck's quack. “Uhh, salutations,” Star said as he approached the Gek. “I found your distress signal and it led me here.” The Gek stared at Star before it let out a cheerful sounding cry. “Nev komil lev navagra!” It said as it held up the chart. It pointed to an option that said, “give units.” Next to the option was the number seven hundred and fifty. “Eon, how many units do I have?” “Nine hundred and fifty.” Star stared at the Gek. “What do I get out of this if I give you the units?” The Gek held up a blueprint for a hyperdrive. “Eon.” “Yes?” “You can wipe records clean, right?” “Technically, yes.” “Mind doing me a solid and wiping what happens now?” “No.” “Oh well!” Star punched the Gek and grabbed the blueprint out from its hands. He ran to the entrance and towards his ship. “Not the worst thing I've ever done.” “You just robbed an alien that no doubt has connections to more dangerous aliens,” Eon said. “I'd like to think this is up there if only because it means I get to enjoy your suffering.” “It's a Gek. What are they going to do? Quack me to death?” Star asked as his ship took off. “You have too much faith in those obnoxious things.” “I can dream,” Eon said as the ship broke through the planet's atmosphere. “Though, now that you've robbed one, I'm doubtful they'll be very pleased to let you onto their space station.” Star's pupils shrunk. He grit his teeth and slammed his hooves onto the ship's steering wheel. “Son of a bitch!”