“Hey Fluttershy, can I ask you a question?” Twilight asked, looking up from the artificial turf she was lying down around Lyra’s house (the reason for which is much to complex to go over here… and it CERTAINLY isn’t because the author wrote himself into a corner with that and can’t come up with a great idea, or really any idea, for why they are doing this; yeah, that sounds right. Good job, me. Have a milkshake.).
“Of course, Twilight,” Fluttershy said, setting her shovel to the side and wiping her brow.
“Thank you… and thank you for not saying ‘you just did’. I really hate that joke and if you said it I’d have sent you to the moon and I care for you too much as a friend to banish you there.”
“Oh, how sweet… but when did you learn to send ponies to the moon?”
“Celestia taught me! She gave me this really informational video… it involved this bus driver pony named Ralph and he always got mad at his wife. I learned the enchantment from him:" Twilight cleared her voice before intoning in a frustrated tone, "One of these days, Alice, one of these days! Bang, zoom! Straight to the moon!”
“Uh, Twilight? I don’t think-“
Twilight cut her friend off, wanting to get to her question. “I was just curious… what is your dream?”
“My what?”
“Your dream,” Twilight stated. “All of us have a dream we are working towards. Rainbow Dash wants to be a Wonderbolt, Applejack wants her farm to be the best in Equestria, Rarity wants to be a famous designer, I wanted to be the greatest mage of our time,” Twilight fluffed her wings at that, “suck it, Starswirl… Pinkie wants to make every pony smile-“
“Speaking of, I think we need to talk with her… I spotted her buying laughing gas from the Joker the other day-“
“-and even Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Gel-“
“Belle.”
“Really? Huh, I’ve been calling her Sweetie Gel for years. Weird. Anyway, they wanted their cutie marks. Even Spike has a dream of interspecies sex with Rarity! It doesn't matter if your dream will never happen... ever... just that you have one.” Twilight shrugged. “I was just curious what your dream was.”
“Oh, well… it’s actually pretty plain and average, Twilight.”
The Princess of Friendship smiled. “No dream is plain. What is it, Fluttershy? Raise the prettiest bunny? Discover a new breed of butterfly?”
“To defeat Lord Voldemort and avenger my parents' deaths.”
“…Fluttershy, that is Harry Potter’s goal.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s mine.”
“It isn’t.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Then why does Lucius Malfoy keep taunting me.”
A long haired man in a robe popped up from behind a bush. “You’ll never win Fluttershy! Bwahahahaha!”
“…you know what, I honestly don’t care anymore. I’m going drinking with Zecora… haven’t done that since everyone cared about Scootaloo’s origins.”
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted
Episode 39: Home Alone 2- Lost in The Crystal Empire
"Question," Sunset said as she pushed a barrel over to the ramp Shining was setting up. "You are some big bad captain of the Royal Guard, right?"
"Well, I used to be," Shining said. "That all changed when Cadence was given the Crystal Empire to oversee. Kinda hard to run the Canterlot Guard when I am up here." Shining paused, rubbing his chin. "I wonder who is in charge now. I know they were going to make Shield Strap the next captain after Iron Head got promoted to commanding the Equestrian Guard at the embassy in Grifland but then he found out he was going to be a dad and asked to keep his current position..." Shining pressed his lips together. "I guess that means the current commander is-"
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot...~
"-Mr. Popo!"
"What did you say, Wall Breaker?" Logic Point asked, looking up from the helm he was polishing (and because they weren't Cadence's guard that wasn't a sexual innuendo in any way, shape, or form).
"Oh, Shining Armor just asked who the captain of the royal guard is now and I decided to make a reference to 'Dragon Ball Z Abridged'."
"Wait," Private Extra Parts (a new member of the guard who was VERY lucky he wasn't part of Cadence's guard) said with a frown, holding up his hoof. Logic Point and Wall Breaker had taken him under their wings (which, considering that they weren't pegasi, made the turn-of-phrase very confusing) and were showing him the ropes (literally... Celestia demanded that all her guards know how to tie knots... it came from her youth at sea). "Shining Armor... as in the Royal Consort of the Crystal Empire?"
"Yup," Wall Breaker said.
"The one who isn't here right now?"
"The same one."
"...how did you hear him?"
Wall Breaker laughed. "Easily! I paid attention before the author did the chapter divide."
Logic Point wrapped a foreleg around Parts before he could continue. "Just let it go, man. Let Wall Breaker do his thing, okay?"
"But... but it doesn't-"
"Trust me, there is no explaining the kook."
Wall Breaker cleared his throat. "Ahem... that is Captain of the Royal Guard Kook to you."
"Yes... sir."
The large earth pony grinned. "Great! Now let's go back to what Shining Armor and Sunset are doing!"
"How does he know who Shining Armor is with?" Parts asked...
~Back in the Empire that isn't really an empire it is more of just a small city with a gaudy castle...~
"Anyway..." Sunset said, wanting to get the conversation back on track, "you were the Captain of the Royal Guard. Luna mentioned you could create these amazing forcefield bubbles-"
Shining puffed out his chest. "Yup! Twilight might be super powerful with magic but when it comes to shields I am king."
"So why aren't we using said shield?" Sunset asked, leaning against one of the barrels.
"Say what now?"
"Why don't we use the shield to protect the Crystal Palace?" Sunset said. "You were able to protect an entire city... I think covering the palace with a pink shield would be a great idea. Much better than what we are doing now."
"Nah, the shield wouldn't work for this."
"Why not?" Sunset asked. "It almost worked against the changelings until you went out like a bitch." The unicorn male stared at her and she shrugged. "Tydal's words, not mine."
"Ah. And that just proves my point..."
"...yeah?"
"Beg pardon?"
"You said it proved your point and then didn't explain why."
Shining frowned. "Because I don't have to explain. When I say it proved my point that is all that must be stated."
"So the statement proves the point but you don't have to explain why?"
Shining nodded. "Correct!"
"You're a (censored) idiot."
"I am not!"
"That just proves my point," Sunset said with a smirk.
"IF YA'LL ARE DONE BICKERIN' YA GOT TWO NO-GOODS SNEAKIN' INTO THE PALACE NOW!"
Shining and Sunset turned to the projection screen that lowered down once more. "Bring them up, security system."
The screen flickered as the magical crystal (and totally NOT a machine... yeah, that's the ticket... magic) powered up and soon the screen showed one of the lower levels, namely the kitchen...
"Alright Hairy, what do you want to buy with your loot?"
"I'm thinkin' a night on the town to start off with. A good meal at one of those fancy restaurants were the waiters have thin mustaches, a new suit perfectly tailors, a doll on either side of me-"
Marv nodded in agreement. "A banjo."
"Yeah, a ban... a banjo? Why the hell would I want a banjo?"
"For your night on the town!" Marv exclaimed as he shut the window he'd snuck in through. "That will really class things up!"
Hairy stared at his partner, a look of utter befuddlement and annoyance on his features. "How the hell is a banjo classy?"
"Think about it!" Marv declared as he opened up his sack and began to fill it with silverware. "You are in an elegant restaurant. You're dressed in your finest, dining on a salad made from the rarest of lettuce and onions, two beauties at your side... and then the banjo begins to play." He grinned and wiggled his eyes brows. "Tell me that ain't classy!"
Hairy's brow crinkled as he stared down his partner. "You know what? I do want a banjo. Right now."
"Really?"
"Yeah, so I can BEAT YOUR SKULL IN YOU IDIOT!"
Marv just blinked. "That would ruin a classy night."
"GAAAAAAH!!!!" Hairy roared. "Just begin stuffing your sack, okay?"
Sunset watched as the two crooks got to work. "You know, it wouldn't have to be a big force field. Two little ones... right around their heads. Block out the oxygen..."
"No, Sunset," Shining said.
"...what about two in their rectums that you slowly expand-"
"I only do that with my wife."
Sunset scoffed. "Fine, be a spoil-wait, what?"
"They're nearing the first of Sombra's traps," Shining said with a grin, pressing a crystal on the wall. "Now, originally Sombra had this set up as releasing bone-freezing ice that would grow from the tile floor and ensnare his enemies but I cleverly switched it to simple glue. Sticky, hold them in place, and let us deal with them at our leisure."
"Can we get back to you and Cadence and the-"
"Hey Hairy, come over here!" Marv exclaimed. "This hallway looks like it could have a ton of cool stuff!"
"I don't care about cool I care about expensive," Hairy grunted as he tried to figure out the best way to pry some diamonds out of a mural. "I know some dragons that would pay a ton for diamonds this lovely."
"Suit yourself, I'm going after that suit of armor! I might just keep it and display it!"
"Here he comes..." Shining said with a grin. "And..."
Marv let out a yelp as one of the tiles flashed, the enchantment that had been placed on it failing and the stone reverting back into a sticky glue pad. "Hairy... Hairy help!"
"Yeah, bring your friend over so he can get stuck too!" Shining said with a grin.
"You are getting way into this," Sunset stated.
"Come on, these guys invaded my house... I have a right to enjoy them suffering-"
"Oh no, glue!" Marv screamed. "My allergies!"
"Don't move!" Hairy yelled, his anger forgotten as he tried to help his partner. "You know that your skin reacts violently if glue gets-"
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Marv screamed in utter agony, some glue getting on his back left leg. Right where the glue touched there was a hideous sizzle and the skin began to melt away, revealing muscle and bone. "Help me! HELP ME!"
"They are suffering alright," Sunset said drying.
"No... no! I just wanted them stuck to the ground!" Shining cried out, quickly reactivating the tile and turning it back to stone. "I... I didn't mean... you know that I didn't want to hurt him! Just scare him and trap him." Sunset merely shrugged. "Come on! I didn't mean-"
"They are coming up to the next trap," Sunset said.
Shining let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, watch this, it is going to be so much better. Now, Sombra set up a flamethrower-"
"Oh yes, real safe," Sunset stated. "At least my ideas would have been quick!"
"Let me finish," Shining complained. "But while you were securing the throne room I re-positioned it. Now it will fire just about their heads... might singe a few hairs on their manes but-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Hairy screamed as his mane caught on fire.
"-but if they use alcohol-based mane gel it will light them up like a candle," Sunset stated. She looked at Shining, an eyebrow quirked. "If you want them dead you should just go with my bubble idea. No need to torture them."
"I'm not trying to kill them!" Shining complained as Marv and Hairy made their way to the first flight of steps. "Alright, now watch this... this is one of the traps you helped set up. Nothing with Sombra and nothing with me. All you."
"Right," Sunset said. She didn't want to admit it but she did want to see what her trap would do. She was hoping it would really annoy the thieves and drive them to make bigger mistakes... or better yet cut their loses and flee. "Alright, so the empty paint cans you gave me are set to swing down when the reach the 5th step-"
"Empty?" Shining said in confusion. "You never said they needed to be empty."
"Yes I did!" Sunset complained. "I told you to go empty the paint cans while I got the rope. And when I came back you were looking at the hoofball scores in the paper and told me you'd taken care of everything."
"...uh oh."
WHAM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
BAM BAM BAM BAM BABAM!
"No Marv, don't go to sleep! You can't sleep when you have a head wound."
"I see a bright light..."
Sunset shrank back away from the screen. "The paint in those cans was red, right?"
"I think so," Shining said with a grimace.
Sunset looked at the captain, disturbed. "What other traps do you have set up?"
"Pardon?"
"What else did you activate!?"
"Why are you asking?"
"Wh-why? Because you are torturing two ponies down there and I'd like to know what other sick and twisted creations you've made, Jigsaw!"
Shining's brow furrowed. "Where did you hear that name?"
"It's from a movie about a crazy serial killer who created death traps and forced people into them... where do you know it from?"
"That's the name of my old mentor!" Shining said with a grin, a faraway look in his eye. "He taught me everything I know. Really encouraged me to see the world in new and interesting ways, to follow my passions, to experiment and take chances, to... why are you slowly backing away from me?"
Sunset paused her not-so-stealthy-escape. "Uh..."
"You think I'm going to go all murderer-y on you, don't you?" Shining complained.
"Do you blame me? Look at what you've done to those two thieves- NO!" Sunset stared in horror at the screen.
"Why is there glass in my eyes?" Hairy screamed. "All I see is blood and pain!"
"Oh, he activated the light bulb trap," Shining said. "But that was supposed to fire at his hooves... must have turned it upside-down."
Sunset swallowed. "You're...you're a monster!"
"I am not a monster!" Shining shouted.
"Yeah! You tell her Shining!" the Evil Muffin declared, fluttering over to him.
"WHAT THE FLYING (CENSORED) IS THAT?!?!" Sunset screamed in horror, flailing her forelegs about as if trying to ward off the hovering pastry. For his part the Evil Muffin just stared at Sunset in confusion.
Shining looked at the bake good. "That's the Evil Muffin. He was created from all my rage and hatred." The little muffin flapped his wings, his googly eyes bouncing about. Shining looked back and forth from Sunset and the Evil Muffin, a grimace slowly forming on his lips. "I admit this doesn't help my case that I'm not an insane homicidal maniac..."
"Help us!" Hairy cried out, dragging Marv behind him. Both thieves were bloody, with deep cuts and burns covering their bodies, bruising on their bodies and it clear both had broken bones. “Please… help us!”
“Of course!” Sunset cried, hurrying over to them. “I’ll get you out of this house of horrors.”
“You wanted to put force bubbles in their butts!” Shining complained.
“Hey!” Cadence said, trotting into the room with Twilight at her side, the two returning from their Cadence-and-Twilight Day. “That’s my thing!”
“Shiny… why are there two mutilated ponies on the floor?” Twilight asked.
Sunset was the one who answered. “Your insane brother tortured them! I thought this world was supposed to be nice and sweet!”
“I did not! They were thieves and I activated some of Sombra’s traps-“
Twilight stared at her brother in shock. “You mean the traps that nearly killed me and Spike and almost broke us mentally?”
“Yes!” Shining exclaimed. “Wait! I mean-“
Before Shining could clarify what he meant a nearby bathroom sink shot out a stream of water which quickly formed into Lord Tydal, the Capricorn shaking himself before calling out, “Sunset! I’m here to pick you up from Summer Camp!”
“I wish he wouldn’t word it like that,” Sunset muttered.
The God of the Sea looked down at the two mutilated ponies, an eyebrow raised. “Do I want to know what happened?”
“Shining Armor apparently tortured two thieves,” Cadence said. “I for one think it looks more like a Bondage Roleplay gone array. “
“So two points broke into your palace and you broke their bodies and minds as punishment?” Tydal asked, looking at the crying, whimpering criminals. “Shining… I am so proud of you!” Tydal’s horns glowed and he summoned a butcher’s knife to him. “Now finish the job.”
“WHAT?!?” Shining screamed.
“You hurt them now don’t leave them waiting. Finish them off and we can go get Dairy Queen. For what you did, you get extra sprinkles!”
“But… but I don’t want to!” Shining whimpered. "We should listen to what they want!"
“Please… kill us!” Marv moaned. “End our agony!”
“Send us to Faust’s embrace!” Hairy begged.
"Sprinkles..." Tydal sang as he tried to force Shining to take the knife.
“Maybe you should do it, Shining,” Cadence said, looking the criminals over. “They do seem to be in pain… this would be the humane thing to do.”
“Honey!” Shining complained. "Why can't someone else-"
“You started it now finish it!” Tydal snapped. "It's called responsibility."
Twilight tapped her chin. “Tydal makes a good point. You did start it… would be unfair to make somepony else finish…”
“Twiley!” Shining cried out.
“Do it Shining!” Tydal shouted. "Make me proud!"
“Please!” Shining cried. “There must be another way-“
“Just do it, you sick freak!” Sunset exclaimed. “You had your jollies now let them know peace!”
“I didn’t want this!” Shining cried as Tydal began to push him towards the thieves.
“Do it!” Tydal shouted. “It’s for the greater good!”
“The greater good,” Cadence, Twilight, the Evil Muffin, and Sunset intoned solemnly.
“WAAAAA!”
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EPISODE OF ‘THE GOD SQUAD’. TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE WHAT WACKY HIGHJINXS OUR ZANY CAST FINDS THEMSELVES IN!
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….”
“Why aren’t you stabbing them in their vital organs! Stop prolonging it!”
“Waaaaaaaaaa!”
"Sprinkles!"