The Ivory Tower dated back to the Equestrian Reineighsance, when it was built to protect Equestrian knowledge from the then-impending griffin invasion. Only the latest research, the best books, finest art, and greatest minds were allowed to take refuge in the flawlessly white stronghold. For the next few decades, it retained this prestige, and many a scholar dreamed of creating a work deemed worthy of being added to its hallowed halls. Later generations, however, came to view it as a sign of arrogance and the hoarding of knowledge from those who needed it most. So the building was stripped, and its contents found their way into museums and libraries. The building was reduced to a stark white skeleton on the ocean shore.
Once the nearby city council came up with the funds, the building would be inspected and reopened as a tourist attraction. Until then: meet the new king. Same as the old king.
“Nein, nein. It is you, dummkopf, who do not understand.” Zugzwang, criminal mastermind of his time, took a long draw of his silverleaf cigarette to calm himself before continuing his rebuttal.
The imprudent young stallion before him, though, apparently thought this was an invitation to keep on speaking. “But this prototype will prove to be more effective than any sniper rifle seen before. You can-”
“Schweigen.” Zugzwang narrowed his eyes. “The word I am hearing, the only word, the one you do not seem to realize you are even saying, is ‘prototype’. Prototype. It means, ‘not ready.’”
The young unicorn’s eyes widened. “S-sir?”
“Patience, patience, patience. Let your superiors finish their wunderschön rifle first, and then steal it and bring it to me.” Zugzwang twirled his cigarette in his golden telekinetic grip, drawing a smoke ring. “Ve have little time before the auction. My customers do not want to see speculations.” He turned his attention to the line of ponies waiting outside his makeshift office door. “Und if that applies to any of you, I suggest you leave now.”
A small white pegasus mare with a red and white mane grabbed the ears of the burly twin ponies next to her.
“H-hey!” one of the twins said.
“You heard him. I told you this was a bad idea,” she hissed, flying out the door.
The young unicorn gritted his teeth and followed them. Zugzwang turned to the blue earth pony next to him and gestured with his head slightly. The blue earth pony nodded and also left.
“Next?” Zugzwang asked.
The gray unicorn in an impeccable suit who stepped up next was a very familiar face. “We have acquired another 18 cases.”
“Wunderbar. Next?”
The light blue pegasus sauntered up to the desk. With a grand flourish, she pulled out a set of photographs and placed them on the table.
Zugzwang held the photos up in his telekinesis. “Hmm. Good, good…” He pulled one photo out and tossed it down on the table. “You faked this shot.”
The blue pegasus laughed and tugged her light pink mane nervously. “Nothin’ gets past youse, huh?”
“All will be forgiven… if you didn’t forget my special request.” Zugzwang’s black eyes met the photographer’s.
The sassy mare smiled again and pulled a business envelope from her camera bag with another flourish. “Full color. Max quality.”
Zugzwang pulled one photo from the envelope and smiled. “Somehow I always had trouble getting him to pose for me.”
“Couldn’ make ‘im smile for the camera, though.” The pegasus swayed her hips. “I ain’t used to failure there.”
“Das macht nichts. This is more authentic.” Zugzwang slid the photo back in the envelope. “You will be paid quite well.” He gestured to a pale earth pony with a sack of bits both on his flank and sitting next to him.
“Ooh, shiny golden bits. Come to mamma.” The pegasus glided over.
“Next?” Zugzwang peered at the line.
A trio of red, white, and blue unicorns approached. But before they could say anything, the sound of bells filled the room.
“Are those… sleigh bells?” somepony in the line asked.
Zugzwang frowned. Jingle bells? …In May?
“All you in line, you might want to start getting out of the way.” He extinguished his cigarette in a nearby ashtray and moved to the side himself.
A few ponies shifted to the side, but those already in the doorway seemed reluctant to lose their place. The bells got louder and louder.
Then, a big red sleigh smashed through the doorway, scattering creatures left and right. One unlucky pony lay writhing on the rug, one leg bent at an odd angle.
The sleigh pulled to a stop in front of Zugzwang’s desk. Several wrapped packages were piled in the back. In the driver’s seat was a young pegasus mare with a gray coat and a long curly blond mane. Her tail was straight but no less luxurious, and she was wagging it like a happy puppy. Her cutie mark was a honey jar and a milk jug.
“You know that Honey’s on her way,” she sang, tossing the tassel of her strange red hat behind her shoulder. “And she’s got lots of toys and goodies on her sleigh…”
Zugzwang looked from her, to the pony she’d run over, then back to the sleigh, frowning. “May. It’s May. Not December. What is the meaning of this, Honey Words?”
Honey bounced the white ball of her tassel up and down. “I just had such a wonderful haul, it felt like Hearth’s Warming had come early this year, and I wanted everypony to share my joy!”
“Feeling real joyful right now…” the injured pony moaned.
Zugzwang jerked his head towards him. “You, Swallowtail, und you three. Get him somewhere safer.” The various ponies moved to do his bidding. He returned his attention to Honey Words. “Your flair for the dramatic never wavers, does it mein freund?”
“Aw, don’t think of it as drama, Zugzwang… Zugzwang.” She giggled as she said his name. “More like an outward representation of-”
“Ja, ja. What is so worthy of celebration?”
Honey Words pulled her silly red hat off and tossed it into the sleigh. “Ready to open your presents, then?” She flew over the sleigh and pulled out a shiny green box. “How about this one?”
Zugzwang grabbed both it and Honey in his golden telekinesis and pulled them down. The green wrapping paper peeled off, revealing a cardboard box. He opened it and pulled out a silvery garment.
“I call these therma cloaks,” Honey said, pulling the jacket on and modeling it. “Super resistant to all kinds of temperature changes- within reason, I mean. You still don’t want to be set on fire wearing one of these.” She chuckled and folded it up. “There’s eight of them total.”
“I’m familiar with the concept.” Zugzwang pulled another one in front of his eyes. “Never seen one made in this material.”
“Next present!” Honey Words pulled out a long thin tube and handed it to him. “Can you guess what’s inside?”
Zugzwang shook it a bit, noting the rattle. “Four bottles of wine, stored end-to-end in an effort to fool me.” He brought the package closer to his nose. “Blufeld Riesling. A taste of home. Though I prefer red wine to white.”
Honey squealed like a school filly. “You are amazing.”
“Um, sir?” One of the ponies who had been in line asked.
“Don’t test me,” Zugzwang said curtly. “Hearth’s Warming Morning is no place for business.”
Those waiting for an audience took the hint and started to shuffle off.
Honey lowered a smaller box from the sleigh. “Here’s something I think you’ll really like for your auction.”
Zugzwang unwrapped it and pulled out six small jars. Each had several small orange cubes inside.
“Gnaw on one chew for an hour of extra magical abilities,” Honey Words said. “I’ve tried them myself; they’re a bit disorienting, but I could fly better than ever before and even make clouds freeze with pure willpower-”
“Honey.”
“Mmm hmm?”
Zugzwang set the jar down and sighed. “Today, the thermal cloaks and magical gelatins. Before, the explosive gemstones, the hypnotic flute, the invisible paint… I don’t care what your talent is. You say you just scrounge things here and there, but you cannot find what is not to be had.” Zugzwang gestured to the pile of presents. “One miracle, I can believe. But so many? What is your secret, really?”
Honey slowly drew one hoof through the air. “The magic-”
“-of friendship, ja, ja. But how does one find such friends?”
Honey stared at him blankly for a moment.
“Not ready for the question, mein freund?”
Honey sighed. “Okay… I guess I can tell you one of my secrets.” She hopped over the sleigh, rustled around in the bags a bit, then trotted back around, holding a plastic vial. Inside the vial, several very small red worms swam in light purple goo.
“Have you ever heard of cutie pox?” Honey asked. “Well, this is a special strain of it. I got it from a virologist I dated-”
“You are answering my question by raising more questions? Wunderbar.”
“It-it’s more likely for it to happen once, right? Well, instead of making random cutie marks appear on the victim’s body, this strain just repeats the subject’s cutie mark over and over… essentially forcing them to do their job and nothing else.”
“Ah.” Zugzwang carefully took the vial in his telekinesis. “And so that is what you want me to believe now? You force ponies to excel under the influence of this?”
“Yes. To make this haul in particular, I found one hopeless nerd, a scientific genius,” Honey explained. “Lonely and friendless, all too happy to respond to… attention.” She smiled. “But he’s run out, now.”
“Out?”
“When I last saw him, his body was severely emaciated due to his brain trying to eat him alive in order to process all the equations coursing through him. His hooves twitched in an effort to create, but he couldn’t even stand up, so he had to tell me to do everything. When it became obvious that his ideas were coming faster than he could communicate them, I told him I was leaving him forever and he wept— not because of the breakup, but because he needed me to fulfill the experiment portion of his talent.” Honey shook her head. “But it’s not in vain. Now Hearth’s Warming has come early all thanks to him!”
Zugzwang laughed. “Yes, yes it has. And a happy Hearth’s Warming it is. Well played, mein freund.”
Honey tilted her head to look up into those fantastically endless voids in Zugzwang’s black eyes. “I learned from the very best.”
***
Meanwhile, in the nearby Coastal City, it was another dark and stormy night.
Raindrops bounced off sidewalks and streamed down the identical windowpanes of the tall skyscrapers. Regularly spaced lampposts created pools of light that stood in stark contrast to the rest of the street. They were a silly gesture right now; anypony with brains was snug inside their homes.
That’s where Shadow Skip desperately wished he was now. He’d light a fire and toast a dozen marshmallows. Sounded heavenly.
Instead he was putting his talent to work, dashing from one dark place to another, sometimes running, sometimes taking the short flights for which he was named. The heavy rain had soaked his feathers until they were nearly useless; normally he’d put oil on them before going out, but he’d been surprised…
Shadow Skip crashed through an extra heavy flow of water to duck under a shop awning. Panting, he tried to listen for hoofsteps, but the rain and thunder were just too loud.
Maybe… maybe he’d lost him. Shadow Skip hadn’t seen or heard any sign of his pursuer; maybe it was just paranoia…
A loud click came from behind him. Shadow Skip didn’t give himself time to think what it might be; he launched forward, wings flapping, urging his tired muscles to lift his water-soaked body one more time.
Something heavy slammed into his head, making him sway into the nearest building. He managed to hit the building hooves first and push off, propelling himself higher. His head throbbed, but still he climbed towards the clouds. Just a little further; that earth pony couldn’t catch him in the air-
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadowy figure clamber up the outside of a fire escape. No, how did he even get so high-
His pursuer leapt at him. Slow as he was, Shadow Skip couldn’t dodge; the pony landed on top of him. Shadow Skip screamed as he was slammed into the ground with the extra weight; a crunching sound came from his chest, and a strange-tasting liquid flowed over his tongue. Blood. He was bleeding. He just prayed it was from his mouth and not his lungs.
Rough hooves grabbed Shadow Skip’s foreleg and rolled him over. Rain fell in his face and mouth as he cried in pain. His attacker loomed over him, and a bolt of lightning briefly glinted off his cold gray eyes.
Shadow Skip inhaled sharply, then gasped at the new stab of pain in his lungs. “P-please don’t kill me.”
The earth pony raised a baton and slapped it against the ground. “Is that what Star Scoop said to you? Or Golden Shield? What did you answer then?”
Shadow Skip crossed his forehooves over his head and whimpered. “No, please, that was an accident-”
“Right. Just like this is an accident.” The baton came down with a crack on Shadow Skip’s forehoof. A scream of pain rent the air.
“No, no, please, please,” Shadow Skip sobbed incoherently.
“Pathetic.” Crack. “Coward.”
Shadow Skip did his best to roll over, shielding his face and already injured ribs. “I-I’ll tell you anything.”
“Shut it.” The attacker pressed his hoof against Shadow Skip’s neck, drawing a whimper. “You know nothing I don’t.” Then he removed it again. “Think that’ll keep you from leaving while I try and find a guard willing to get a little wet. Lazy Coastal City…”
Shadow Skip waited until the hoofsteps faded. Then he pulled his hooves under his body and tried to get up, but the effort made pain shoot up his forelegs. So he settled for collapsing to the ground and trying not to cry.
The legends were true. There was no escape from Phillip Finder, and Celestia couldn’t save you when he arrived.
But surely, Shadow Skip’s master knew about this. Surely he’d foreseen this. So Shadow was in good hooves…
…Right…
***
“For my true love, I would climb a mountain,” Honey Words sang to herself as she flew in a twirly pattern up the steps to the higher level of the Ivory Tower. “I would face a dragon and cut him right in two, if I were asked by my… Oh hi, boys.”
The two guards turned to look at her. One was a tall navy unicorn who scowled; the other was a scrappy bantam rooster of an earth pony holding a huge rifle. He grinned at her and motioned her forward.
“One present missed the chimney,” Honey said, floating up to show them the shirt box clasped tightly in her forehooves. “And that just wouldn’t do. Is now a good time?”
The two guards turned to each other and shrugged. “He’s just talking to himself, I think,” the unicorn whispered.
Honey hummed to herself and pressed a hoof to her lips. “I’m sure he won’t mind. Thank you, sweeties.” She blew them a kiss and floated silently over their heads.
Zugzwang’s sitting room was a bit more private and a bit more informal than his study downstairs. It had a low table in the middle sporting a cigarette box and a currently empty hors d'oeuvres tree of wrought silver. The couches surrounding it were covered in purple velvet. Expensive paintings hung on the walls, and a bright fire crackled in the fireplace.
A glass armonica rested against the far wall, more a novelty piece than an actual instrument, but Zugzwang had been heard creating the most unearthly, creepy music on it on occasion. He sat in front of it right now, his back to Honey, but he wasn’t playing. Something was in his hooves, something rectangular, but Honey couldn’t quite tell what.
Honey Words hovered at the door for a moment, suddenly unsure what to say.
“Don’t be afraid, mein liebling.”
Honey’s jaw dropped. He’d heard her? But she’d been moving so quietly…
“Yes, come, come closer,” Zugzwang continued, still not turning around. “I think you’ll like what I have planned for you.”
Honey started forward, trembling with joy. He’d noticed her! This was the beginning of something special-
“Our game continues, on and on to eternity.” Zugzwang lifted up what he was holding. “Do you like the frame I picked for you, Phillip Finder?” He sent the portrait of the brown earth pony into the air with his golden telekinesis. It was a good headshot; the black mane, the gray trilby, the unamused expression… all there. “Now, why so serious?” Zugzwang teased the portrait. “Don’t you like gold?”
Honey froze. The box dropped out of her hooves and clattered to the floor.
“Oh, Honey, it’s you,” Zugzwang said, finally turning to look at her. “To what do I owe this nightly visit?”
Honey picked the shirt box up in her shaking hooves. “I… I forgot this one. I’m so sorry.”
Zugzwang set the picture of Philip on the bench. “Don’t apologize for bringing me a new suit.” He took Honey’s chin with his forehoof. “Don’t be afraid, mein freund.” He smiled.
Freund. It meant friend. She was his friend. Not his liebling, his darling.
Honey kept her gaze steady and managed a smile. “Thank you.” She tried to remain calm, to focus on Zugzwang’s eyes. But even the dizzying black void couldn’t comfort her now.
***
Wails and sobs echoed through Honey Word’s bedroom that night. She’d throw pillows and small unbreakables around. She’d lie on the floor and bang her hooves. She’d bawl her eyes out. But the pain wouldn’t go away.
As the sun started rising, she calmed down. She hugged her pillow to her chest, muttering a name darkly to herself as schemes floated through her brain.
“Phillip… Finder…”