Star Chaser was a unicorn stallion. His coat was a dull grey, and his cutie mark was that of a galaxy.
He had also just crashed onto an uncharted world.
“That's the last time I’ll try to take a shortcut during a meteor shower,” he said as he sat upright in his seat. Outside, Star could see a canyon. The sky was yellow, and the systems sun was rather dim. Not helped were the thick clouds that covered the sky. “Where are we?”
“My sensors indicate we are on a planet known as Wifeldamimala,” a robotic voice from within Star's suit said. “In the Ginsarskyvi-Mido II system.”
“And how far are we from Equus?” Star asked. “I lost track of our distance from home months ago.”
“I'm unsure. Possibly hundreds of thousands of light years.”
Star slammed his forehooves onto his control panel. “Why not tell me my family's dead while you're at it!”
“Your family's also dead.”
“I wasn't being serious,” he grumbled as he stepped out of his starship. The sounds of the exotic wildlife filled the otherwise cold air. “Oh well, I don't think I lost anything important.”
“Warning: Hyperdrive no longer functioning,” the robotic voice said.
“Well, no big deal, I'll just get another. Local dealers have some fancy stuff, right?”
“Warning: launch thrusters are out of fuel.”
Star’s right eye twitched. “Okay, I'll go mine some Plutonium,” he said in an angered voice.
“Warning: pulse jumpers damaged.”
“I. Hate. This. Ship.” Star grabbed his multi-tool and jetpack. “Would you like to break any other bad news to me? Are pirates going to take me away? Is Celestia going to have me imprisoned? Is the star over there going to turn into a giant Pony eating lizard?”
“Warning: life support low.”
“When I get back home, i'm replacing you with a Penguin.” Star put his jetpack on and levitated his multi-tool in front of himself. “Well, let's not waste any time,” he said, a look of frustration in his eye. “Not like anything worse could happen, right?”
“My sensors indicate a storm will occur very soon,” the robotic voice said. “You might want to hurry. Your suits protection levels are going down.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Star said with a huff. He made his way towards a large plant and stared at it. He levitated his tool up and, using his magic, pulled the trigger. A green energy beam shot out, and mined a bunch of Carbon from the plant. “Okay, we done?”
“No.”
“Nuts.”
“Your ship isn't missing any-”
“I didn't mean the engineering piece, you stupid robot.”
“I'm an artificial intelligence.”
“Shut up!”
“Storm incoming in two minutes.”
“You make me want to do very bad things.” Star made his way over to a rock and fired off the beam. “Like, you make me want to fly into a space station and throw everyone into the vacuum.”
“Doing so will result in-”
“Shut up and let me mine you stupid thing!”
---
After a minute of nonstop mining—and bitching—Star Chaser opened his bag and shifted through it.
“Okay, let's see, I can use this to-”
“Warning-”
“Yeah, I can feel the rain hitting my suit, now let me think!”
“Storm in effect.”
“I'm going to take your processor and use it as a means of starting a fire you stupid AI!” Star went back to fidgeting with some of the iron he'd mined to craft four metal plates. “Okay, now all I have to do is attach this to this and…”
“Scanner made.”
“Why were you given to me?” Star asked. “When I was told I was getting a new suit, I expected some fancy and flashy gadgets and gizmos. Not something with an AI that could be renamed ‘Captain Obvious‘!”
“I am equipped to every suit of this kind.”
“Can I get a new suit?”
“New suits are sold in Canterlot.”
“I hate my life.” Star stood up and attached the scanner to his multi-tool. “Hey, where's my analysis visor?”
“You never attached a new one when you traded in your old multi-tool,” the robotic voice said. “You can make a new one by using iron.”
“Oh, just iron?” Star asked sardonically. “You sure I don't need dark matter and the essence of a black hole? Should I also go get Celestia's heart and sacrifice it to Tirek so it can view into the depth of Tartarus?”
“To upgrade it, you'll need a blueprint, which you've yet to obtain.”
“I… I wasn't…” Star fell onto his stomach and sighed. “Just let me be.”
Awooo.
Star picked his head up. Atop a small hill was a reddish-brown creature that resembled an armadillo in build, but lacked the thick hide that one usually had. On its bad was something that resembled a saddle, but with three small stalks that came out of it bear its neck. Atop its head was a thicker, dark green stalk.
Star stood up and dusted himself off. “The hell is that?” He asked.
“How about you make your analysis visor before asking stupid questions,” the AI said.
Star cursed under his breath and walked over to a moss covered rock. He held up the multi-tool and fired off the beam, and obtained some iron. “Stupid Gek,” he grumbled as he assembled the visor. “Not having visors on their multi-tools.”
“You call them stupid, yet you're the genius who decided to fly through a meteor shower.”
“Hey, do you know who I am?!” Star snapped as he finished putting the visor in the multi-tool.
“You’re Lieutenant Star Chaser of the Equestrian Space Federation. You graduated bottom of your class, barely passing any of your classes.”
“You are the worst AI anyone could ever ask for,” Star said as he walked back towards where the creature was seen. “Bar none.”
“Most users of this AI have rated me four stars out of five.”
“Those users are imbeciles!” Star yelled.
The creature turned its head towards Star before it ran off.
“You were saying?” The AI asked mockingly.
“I stand by what I said,” Star said. “I'll just go get fuel for the launch thrusters.”
“You can get that from-”
“I've been doing this for fifteen years!” Star snapped. “I know: Plutonium. You don't need to remind me!”
“Plutonium.”
“There's no way to disable you, is there?”
“Nope.”
“What I remove the suit?”
“That will result in instant death.”
Star let out a sigh. “If I don't make it off this rock, it's your fault.” With that, he made his way towards a ravine and looked down. He hit his scanner, which sent out a wave of light and marked several deposits of Plutonium. “Jackpot!” He leaped off the side. “Wee!” He said with child like glee as his jetpack slowed his descent. “That never gets old.”
“Warning: storm reapproaching.”
“You could ruin a wet dream.”
“And you could ruin friendships.”
Star let out a chuckle. “I won't deny that,” he said as he approached a Plutonium deposit. “Of course, I'd like to think I do more good than bad.”
“My records show the only reason you're out here is because your superior officers view you as, and I quote, 'the dumbest and most reckless pony we've ever seen.’ To which they then said, ‘Please, Celestia, send him somewhere where he is no longer our problem’.”
Star fired his multi-tool at the Plutonium. “Yeah, well, the jokes on them. Life out here is wonderful!”
“Because your bitching earlier definitely indicates you enjoy life out here,” the AI said. “As did your question about how far we are from home.”
“Okay, so maybe I'm a little homesick.” Star walked over to another deposit of Plutonium and fired off the tools beam at it. “That doesn't mean I don't think it's great not having to answer to higher ups who only wish to make me stand around, guarding the princess from those dumb bug things.”
“You mean Changelings?”
“I thought they were called ‘Switcheroos’,” Star said with a slight chuckle.
“You aren't funny.”
Star rolled his eyes and made his way towards the end of the ravine. “You're an AI. Your opinion doesn't count,” he said as he activated his jetpack and ascended up back top.
As he landed, Star came face to face with another reddish-brown creature. It's body was bulky, and there was a webbed fin along its back, the fin itself being yellow. It had a rat like tail, and its legs were peculiar. Its hind legs were thin and frail, while its forelegs were thick and muscular. Atop the creature's head was a small, reddish-brown fungal-like object, similar to a hat.
Star activated his analysis visor and aimed it at the creature “Just what are you?” He asked himself.
The creature let out a low wail before it darted off towards a cavern, a look of absolute terror on its face.
“Hey! Get back here!” Star cried as he ran towards the creature. “I will discover what you are, you abomination!”
“I don't think it understands your language, Star,” the AI said. “Not that it matters, as your diplomatic skills primarily consist of, 'give me your stuff and we can be the best of friends’.”
Star leaped over a rock and aimed the visor at the creature again. “Stay still, and I promise you won't become dinner for the other wildlife,” he said.
“Star, have you ever considered becoming a negotiator for the Equestrian Embassy?” The AI asked sarcastically
“That was my career goal when I was a foal.”
“How'd it go?”
“Uh… well, you see, I thought that Changelings were common house flies that got mutated.”
“And?”
“Let's just say the things I said got me fired,” Star said as the data from the analysis visor popped up. “Ah-hah! Now to see what you- ow!”
Before Star could finish his sentence, the creature head-butted him and ran out of the cavern.
“Stupid animal,” he grumbled. “This is why I hate nature.”
“Because animals get scared at the sight of your monumental arrogance?”
“That and because animals never seem to like me,” Star said. “Maybe I'm too good looking.”
“You’re a three foot tall unicorn in a space suit. You have what looks like a fish bowl over your head, and your horn is wrapped around your element protection unit. You look like a science experiment if anything.”
“Bite me!”
“I'll one up you,” the AI said. “Warning: storm in effect.”
“You can't be serious,” Star said as he watched the rain pour down. “What did I do to deserve this?!”
“If your service record is anything to go by,” the AI said, “a lot.”
“Hey, I was taught to let bygones be bygones as a foal,” Star said. “That, uh, that applies to falling asleep on guard duty… right?”
“Depends on who you ask,” the AI said “Most who have used my AI would say 'no’.”
Star sat up next to the wall of the cavern. “How would you know?”
“I checked the user database and, through various things such as personal accounts on various technological devices, surveys, and work records, I came to that conclusion.”
Star tapped his chin. “So, you can check into personal records?”
“If you're going to ask if I can hack into a Gek account to get you a bunch of units to buy a new ship, no. I was made for Equus, not alien races.”
“Son of a bitch,” Star mumbled. “Well, I'll wait to the storm out.”
“Why not check the information on that animal?”
Star pulled out his analysis visor and looked at it.
Vurusdatudu Quusfil
Gender: Exotic
Temperament: Fearful
Diet: Oxide Elements
“Yeah, truly fascinating stuff,” Star said. “Hey, what's this? 'Upload’?”
“You ponies aren't familiar with the Atlas, are you?”
“Well, we have analyzers, but… they don't let us upload stuff.”
“Well, with this analyzer, you can upload things to something called the Atlas, which will reward you with units. You can also name what you discover.”
“Wait, I can name that thing?”
“Yes.”
Star chuckled to himself and typed in a name.
“Name declined. Foul language detected.”
“Oh, come on! It won't accept Shit For Brains,” Star whined.
“How about being mature for a second, and not trying to-”
“Name accepted,” a voice from the multi-tool said.
“Haha! It is now known as 'Fin-For-Brains’!”
“If I had a physical form, I'd be crying.”
“Yeah, well, you don't,” Star said. “Now, I'm going to sleep through this storm.” With that, Star rested his back up against the wall and drifted off to sleep.
---
Thirty minutes later
Star was still asleep peacefully when the storm finally subsided.
“Wake up, he who scares wildlife,” the AI said. “Before it rains again.”
Star stretched out and yawned. “What time is it?”
“This planet's day-night cycle isn't like Equus’,” the AI said. “It's average day is forty hours, and from the looks of it, day lasts nineteen hours.”
“Yeah, fascinating stuff,” Star said. “Now, answer my question.”
“It's a little later than yesterday.”
“I'm going to guess you don't know.”
“It's 0900 hours; evening.”
Star smiled. “Thank you,” he said as he exited the cave. “See? Was it so hard to just answer what I asked?”
“How did you ever make it passed the academy?”
“Did you not check those records?”
“I did,” the AI said. “However, I'm asking you the question. Why not answer what I ask?”
Star rolled his eyes. “I can navigate terrain well, and I'm not a great explorer.” he raced towards the edge of a cliff and looked across where his ship was. “Besides, if you could see the other candidates, I'd look like the poster foal for amazing.” Star activated his jetpack and flew across the gap. “Happy with the answers?”
“I'll be sure to check up on who you trained with,” the AI said. “I'd love to see if they're as bad you claim.”
As Star landed, he spotted another animal near his ship. It resembled a large cat, with—again—reddish brown skin, though it had a white patch around its stomach. The area around its eyes was like green. Its legs varied in size, though not as greatly. Its hindlegs were more cat-like, but its forelegs were peculiar. They appeared smoother than the rest of its body, and ended in slender claws, similar to a bird.
Star let out an audible groan. “Piss off!” He yelled to the animal.
The animal turned its head and stared at him. “Awoo,” it cried out.
“Do you have a translator in you?” Star asked the AI.
“I said I was built for you ponies,” it replied. “What makes you think I understand what that animal is saying?”
“Well, excuse me,” Star said. He approached that creature and tried to shoo it away. “Go on, get outta here.”
The creature snapped at Star and growled angrily.
Star took out his multi-tool and aimed it at the creature. “Hey, I'm warning you! I have a recorded two kills with this thing!”
“Star, you realize it doesn't understand a word you're saying. Right?”
“Hey, if it works for dogs, it might work here.”
“Yeah, because that resembles a dog,” the AI said. “When we find a dragon-like creature, I hope you try to feed it cat food.”
Star rolled his eyes and fired his mining laser at the creature.
The creature dodged the laser and head-butted Star, who staggered back. “Tough little guy, aren't ya?”
The creatures didn't reply, and ran off.
“Star, you're a bad shot, and a worse negotiator,” the AI said.
“I appreciate your kind words,” Star replied with sarcastic glee. He approached his ship and got into it. “Okay, time to load up on fuel and let's get home!”
“You need a hyperdrive, genius.”
Star started up the ship. “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”
“You're welcome. How would you rate my service.”
Star took off from the ground and soared towards the planet's atmosphere. “As helpful as a three inch nail to the skull.”
“Thank you for rating this AI a three out of five. How would you improve the quality of this AI?”
“No, I rate it a zero!”
“Too late, sucker.”
Star let out an audible groan as the shop broke the planet’s atmosphere. Ahead of him was a space station. Behind it, a large, red planet. Dozens of meteors, and a few ships, lay between him and the two objects.
“Use your ships scanner,” the AI said. “You can perform a star system scan, or a planetary scan.”
“You don't say,” Star deadpanned. He got the ship's scanner, which sent out a burst of light.
“I've detected a distress beacon in the planet up ahead. Perhaps you'll find something there.”
“Can you go back to just being sardonic?” Star asked as he hit the pulse drive function. “You were more tolerable that way.”
“Okay,” the AI said. “When you get lost, don't come bitching to me.”
“You suck.”