Shellstrings

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Mild Mild Mild Mild West

"And over there's where we have our mild west dances!" Braeburn cheered.

"That's... uh..." Lyra gulped, trotting along with the rest of the group. "...convenient? I guess?"

"You bet!" Braeburn nodded vehemently. Between the train station and there, he had appropriated an applecart for carrying the mares' belongings. He swung his hoof dramatically towards both ends of the road as they passed local farmers and traders in pioneering outfits. "Here in Appleloosa, we're all hard-working ponies! But we know how to pace ourselves! That's why set aside a few hours every evening to drop all our chores and..." He wagged his eyebrows. "...let it all hang out, if ya catch my drift. Heheh."

"Ooooooh..." Lyra smirked wryly. "You sly devil you."

"That's right!" Braeburn grinned wide, pointing at a two-story civic center sitting katty-corner to the general store. "Bingo Night!" He bit his lip to contain his rosy smile. "We hold 'em seven to nine every Tuesday and Thursday!"

Lyra's ears drooped. "... ... ...oh."

"Reckon we'd take the worst days of the week and make 'em great again! Yeeeee—"

"Ha!" Twinkleshine and Minuette simultaneously finished before breaking into giggles.

"Aaaaaaaaand..." Braeburn gestured at a jail as they passed by. "This here is Sheriff Silver Star's place!"

"A jail?" Lemon Hearts blinked. "Do you get a lot of criminals out here on the frontier?"

"Oh... well..." Braeburn blushed a bit, towing at the dirt road. "I-I guess I shouldn't be admittin' this... seein' as I'm supposed to help y'all get settled and relax... but..." He gulped. "We regularly have some trouble with... jay-trotters."

"Oh." Lemon Hearts stared blankly ahead.

"Yowsers," Lyra droned. "Better get the electric chair."

Lemon Hearts hissed at her.

"Soooooooo..." Minuette skipped in place, grinning from ear to ear. "You guys have a Salt Bar..." A girly wink. "What about a doughnut cafe?"

"Huh?" Braeburn gazed quizzically at the mare. "What's a doughnut?"

Minuette's pupils shrank. "What."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—!" Lemon Hearts panicked.

"H-hey!" Lyra sniffed and sniffffffffed the air dramatically. "What's that I smell?!"

"What?" Twinkleshine's muzzle scrunched. "You mean the manure—?" A green hoof slapped her across the horn. "Ow!"

"Why... is that..." Lyra smiled crookedly. "...apple fritters?"

"Oh! Absolutely!" Braeburn smiled proudly. "The downtown bakery is always pipin' hot with apple fritters... apple cobbler... apple tarts... apple pie... caramel apples on a stick!"

"Wow! Amazing!" Lyra hummed in Minuette's direction. "Imagine that! So many tasty surgary apple treats... even better than doughnuts."

Minuette stared... stared... and—"Neat!"—her pupils returned to normal size as she regained the spring in her step. "I wanna try alllllll the local delicacies!"

"Then you'll lurve the cactus smoothies and shakes!" Braeburn winked. "A gift from our good neighbor, Little Strong Heart."

"Who's that?" Twinkleshine asked. "Sounds exotic."

"More like a bootleg mascot from Chineigh," Lyra muttered.

"It's the ambassador from the local buffalo who roam these parts!" Braeburn said. "Aaaaand the top advisor to the tribe's leader, Chief Stronghooves!"

"Ooooh!" Twinkleshine smiled. "Buffalo! I've always wanted to meet some of their kind! They just seem so... so... earthy."

"Twinkleshine," Lyra muttered. "This is an earth pony town."

"Yeah... but..." Twinkleshine fidgeted. "Buffalo are earthier."

"Meh..."

"Will we get to meet some of the buffalo?" Minuette asked, bouncing in mid-step. "Huh? Huh?"

"Hehe... I dun see why not!" Braeburn exclaimed. "They pass through town all the time! We're big trader partners—them buffalo and us." He adjusted his hat while drawing the cart. "Sure... thangs were a mite bit hairy 'bout a year and a half ago, but we've since made friends all harmonic-like. They do their yearly stampede through the valley and the shakin' from all their hooves helps us get the apples down from the trees faster! It's what ya fancy city ponies might call a psychotic relationship."

"Erm... I think the term is 'symbiotic,'" Lyra corrected. A shrug. "Not that I'm an expert or anything."

"Heh... works for me!"

"Oh my Goddess!" Twinkleshine suddenly grimaced.

"Huh?" Braeburn blinked. "What's the matter?"

"That... that hotel!" Twinkleshine pointed a pink hoof at a partially collapsed buildingfront. "It's practically rubble?"

"Oh. The Dime and Drop Inn. Yeah... eheh..." Braeburn brushed his bangs back. "Reckon it's seen better times."

"What in Celestia's name happened to it?!" Twinkleshine gulped. "An earthquake? A tornado?"

"Naw... just Trouble Shoes."

"Huh?"

Braeburn sighed. "Dun worry... he mostly sticks to the woods to the west... mostly."

"Who does...?" Lyra blinked.

"Uhhhhh—Hey!" Braeburn slapped his fetlocks together with a cheesy grin. "How 'bout takin' a gander at where y'all will be sleepin'?"

"Yaaaaaaaaay!" Minuette skipped ahead. "Last to sniff the pillows is a rotten saddle!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we are!" Braeburn rolled to a stop in front of a series of modest log cabins lined up against a parched forest of threadbare trees. "It might not look like much, but it's the heart that counts!" Silence. "Yup... that and a whollllle lotta backsweat." He winked in the dusty air. "That's a pioneer joke."

"Oh look." Lyra shuffled to a stop, droning. "The woods. Right behind it."

"Errrr..." Braeburn glanced east at the town, then at the woods. "Oh... shoot. Uhm..."

Lemon Hearts coughed, then trotted aside—pulling Lyra with her. "Could you give us a second?"

"Sure thang!" Braeburn nodded.

"Ooooh!" Minuette smiled. "A garden!"

"Yup!" Braeburn gestured at a patch of flora separated from the rest of the dirt by finely-hammered stones. "All planted with the finest cacti from our local wilderness!"

"Wow! So amazing!" Minuette leaned in. "Now... are these the kind of cactuses that are safe?"

"Huh?"

Twinkleshine leaned in as well. "What do you mean, Minny?"

"Y'know... there's cactus that's super pointy and then there're cactuses that are safe to pet."

"P-pet?" Braeburn blinked.

"Minuette, you can't..." Twinkleshine face-hoofed, sighing.

Minuette blinked. "It's not like I wanna hug em!"

"Okay Lyra..." Huffing, Lemon Hearts trotted to a stop beside the shacks. "...we need to have a little talk."

"Holy Hell! Look!" Lyra pointed at several narrow sheds. "Outhouses! Honest to Goddess outhouses!"

"Lyra..."

"And not just the ones that farmers erect around Ponyville just for show!" She winked at the other unicorn. "All those wooden port-a-potties around Sweet Apple Acres?" She shook her head. "Just for show. Their poop goes straight to the crops. Think about that next time you buy some cider at Barnyard Bargains—"

"Will you just put a cork in it?!" Lemon Hearts hissed.

"What?!" Lyra shrugged. "I'm just making light of the situation. Y'know... relaxing—"

"No you are not!" Lemon Hearts frowned, nostrils flaring. "You're being sassy and cheeky and rude and I want you to stop. Now."

"Yo... ease up!" Lyra shrugged. "We're all here to chillax, aren't we? This is how I let off some steam, Lemmy! I make wisecracks! You'd know that—only... we haven't exactly hung out a lot lately."

Lemon Hearts folded her forelimbs. "And just who's fault is that, huh?!"

Lyra blinked. "Huh?"

"This trip is far too important to me—" Lemon Hearts winced, then whispered: "Far too important to Minuette and Twinkleshine! And I'm not going to have you—Miss Appointment-Dodger—bucking it up for those who could really benefit from peace, quiet, and serenity!"

"Girl... I'm the very epitome of peaceful right now!" Lyra pointed. "It's you who's the friggin' hothead—"

"I am not a hothead!" Lemon Hearts hollered—but instantly regretted it. She looked nervously over her shoulder. Her voice echoed slightly... then dwindled. An eagle shrieked in the background, then all was silent.

"Why so nervous, Lemon Hearts?" Lyra asked. "Y'know..." She smiled. "...they prescribe getaway vacations for the likes of you."

"Don't patronize me," Lemon Hearts grumbled, facing her again. "I've been to more therapists and counselors in the last year alone than you've ever bothered to show up for in your entire life."

"And look at how well-adjusted you are for it."

"Lyraaaaaa..."

"Hey... don't you forget..." Lyra folded her forelimbs, squinting at the mare. "I've gone many rounds in the stuffy, sterile offices of bit-biting brain-prodders in my day. Not to echo the country sentiment of Cactusloosa, but this vacation ain't exactly my first rodeo."

"I don't care if it's your last." Lemon Hearts frowned. "I know you wouldn't ever dream of being here on your own volition, Lyra, and I don't know what strings Bon Bon pulled to guilt-trip you into coming here. But—to be frank—I don't care. Minuette and Twinkleshine need your moral support, and so do I. So if there's any ounce of decency left in that mint green body of yours, you'd better drop the sassy attitude and stick it out for their sake."

Lyra blinked. "I... care for Minuette and Twinkleshine too, Lemon Hearts." She took a deep breath. "Perhaps... just maybe... they're still my friends."

"And what have you done to show for it this past year?"

Lyra bit her lip.

Lemon Hearts sighed, bowing her head. A beat. "I promise... if you just behave..." She looked up with glossy eyes. "...then I won't chew you out any longer. Let this be our last discussion on the matter."

"And..." Lyra raised an eyebrow. "...if I don't pass your subjective little 'test?'"

Lemon growled beneath her breath. "Don't let it come to that." She turned tail and trotted back towards the cabins. "This vacation is your last chance."

"At what, exactly?"

"Everything you've forgotten that's important in your life."

"Pffft... are you for real?"

Lemon Hearts was too far away to respond.

"Grffff..." Lyra kicked at the dirt and slouched back to the cabin on her lonesome. "...figures Shrinkenfurter would pick a desert." She frowned into the hot dust. "Here's hoping there's something in this universe that's drier and crustier than her."