Chapter 6
Don't… Move. Maybe if I don't move, it wont follow me. Wait, that only works in movies. Oh no, Fuck, butterfly, on nose!! Nu… Don't do it, DONT YOU FOKIN DARE!
“ACHHHUU!!”
Man… Annnnnnd its doing that weird glomp thing to my leg aga-... Is it purring?
O.o.O.o.O
Okay, sorry. Let me recap on what has happened.
So! Today went off with a bang. Quite literally. There I was, with plans to sleep until at least the afternoon. The bed was comfortable, I was happy for once, and then; boom. No sleep at all, and never happy again. It reminded me of when they appeared in my living room, and I was scared that I was in a loop, doomed to forever relive the last moments in my house.
No, it wasnt that. I wish it was though. That way, I could exact my revenge different ways, different times. I'm a sadistic bastard, deal with it.
In regards to the big bang, excuse; boom, I found out too late that Twilight… (Yes I'm still fucking here), had done something bad. Naughty Twilight.
Apparently, said unicorn had tried to make food. Not with her own two han- hooves, but with her magic. I wake up to find the retard face first in a wall. She and I engaged in a lengthy conversation of about two minutes. Apparently she wnted out. Do you know how tempted I was to just leave her there?
Anyway, I decided to be the good guy and pulled her out. Thankfully she was conscious and not hurt that badly. But it begged a question on how she survived going through solid wood? Like, she said she was creating a spark, and had left the stove on for too long. So the gas released, created a pocket of air for the boom I heard. She was standing in front of the stove and got thrown back into her wall.
Note to self: Ponies are both stupid and indestructible.
P.S: Don't let Twilight cook for me.
Now, after that scenario, I found it concerning to leave soon; for the fact that I needed new clothes, and a shoe. I had my left one, but when I was brought here, I lost my right. I wasn't complaining yet, but the next time I stub my toe on something absolutely retarded or get it stomped on by some human hating pony, I will stab a hoe.
So I made me something to eat and slumped myself on Twilights couch. What was interesting, is that I had to find me something to do. Ponies don't have Netflix, nor do they have television. It wasn't all bad, but it was a start for me to whine about.
Pretty much all I did was fiddle with my cigarettes and lighter as I ate fucking lettuce. I already tried my phone and it was dead. Forgot to plug it in when I got home…
However, amongst the million things I could do and could have done, engaging in a staring contest with a dragon, was not on my list. It was in fact, at the very bottom, beside mooning Fluttershy. (I'm not going to do it, so shaddup)
The, young drake and I noticed each other's presence at about the same time. See, he had walked in with a mouthful of… I shit you not, gems. He had looked both left and right, swallowing what he had left,
“Uh… Hi?”
Blinking, I coughed and summed it up as a Barney ripoff, “‘Sup?”
What went from there, was the quickest aquaitence I have ever made. Actually, I would say he was the second. First one was someone else. He cracked a joke about how crappy the morning was and I laughed. Turns out, the dragon's name is Spike. Spike, is fucking hilarious, and shares some principles with me.
Like how he knows Twilight can't cook.
But Spike was a weird purplish and green color, hence the nickname Barney. However, being a dragon, (that’s what he said he was, and had instantly perked my attention), he had the cool ass slitted eyes. Not to mention they were green!! I asked him if it was alright for me to call him by his new nickname, but he refused. Said something about him already having a nickname. Sad, I know.
But I gained a cool little amigo as a friend! And he was a dragon!!
Seriously though, I'm ready to go to Dragon Land now, so where's that fucking stone?
Lest it be strange and concerning, Spike is actually a helper for Twilight. Says he does little jobs for her and is the one who made the meal yesterday morning.
I asked where he had been through the whole day, and he responded with a quick answer of, ‘being at a special someponies house’.Whatever that meant was beyond me. So I left it at that and talked with him for a bit.
Now, give or take… Five minutes later, Twilight had asked me to start heading over to Rarity’s. She interrupted our little chat and told me that to get to her friend, was a bit of a walk, but her little assistant would help me find my way there.
My excitement grew at spending more time with Spike, maybe ill ask if he can breathe fire! Or maybe… ASK HIM IF HE CAN FLY!! I was actually excited about something. Huh, go figure. Though here is where they threw the wrench in,
Spike had told his mentor that he wasn't going to be able to do that since he was already sorting the bunches of books Twilight had. Said mare was befuddled for a moments time, and then nonchalantly passed it off. She just told me a couldn't miss Rarity’s shop.
Said it was, Flashy. Like her personality no doubt…
C’est la vie, I suppose. Spending time with Spike would have to wait.
Now, for the point above and what I bet you are still conffuzled about.
You see, several different things occurred whilst walking shoe and foot upon the gravel of Ponyville. Within the subsection of my mind and incoherent babbling, I remembered seeing a pink fluffy pony. Like, really fluffy, a day before. Looked like a sheep almost if not for the hooves and muzzle difference.
Now, what had happened was, It and I had locked gazes, so because of that, it was a null negotiated treaty of conversation. If it could talk. In short, it didnt, only speaking in what I assumed where tongue farts. Anyway, long story short, I was walking past Sugarcube Corner, and said pink pony caught sight of lonely ol’ me walking around, deciding to follow.
For the sake of my sanity and for the sake of others, I refrain from increasing my vocabulary by using words such as cute, or pretty. But goddamn, that fluffy fucker was ADORABLE.
It had a way with tugging out my inner most bitch, and almost made me squee at how it trotted after me. The pink fluff seemed to defy gravity, and like Pinkie, hopped, instead of trotting like everyone else.
So what's so bad about having something like that following you?
Well, where my panic set in is when it wouldn't stop following me. So I ran, albeit with a limp because running on pebbles hurts my feet. I planned to lose it in someway because really, Ponyville wasn't that large, but had a crowd that could easily hide me from anyone I despised.
Now, I didn't despise the pink cotton ball, but at the moment, it was creeping me out. So as I weaved in between the crowd, I did a sharp left and ducked into a nearby back store alley. Said alley provided just enough lenience to conceal my breathless form.
I needed to quit smoking. Bad habit, I know. Cigarettes are the things that put my cousin in the hospital. Think he has to eat from a hole in his throat now… Bah. Anyways.
Cigarettes! Oh yes. Lemme jus-
I leaned back to grasp the back of my pocket but stopped midway, my eyes widening before the picture for forming before me. Although the alley provided shade and casted semi-dark shadows everywhere, I couldn't just miss that thing.
Somehow, somewhere, the guy who invented physics was screaming in agony. The pink furball had somehow found its way onto the roof of the store and had been peering down at me the entire time I was dying, its tounge sticking out. So I froze, and stayed as still as possible.
Yeah, you know the rest.
O.o.O.o.O
I tensed up and closed an eye as it threw itself from the rooftop. What I expected to be a tackle to the ground, actually felt like a feather brushing against my skin. Score points to Hufflepuff.
Now the next thing to happen, was watch the overly puffy pony crawl around my, eventually settling on latching onto my leg. Basically, what had just happened, was the most adorable glomp ever.
And not only that, but for some reason, the thing was purring as if it were a cat. Personally, I was afraid to move it, so I called myself an asshole and walked around town with a unidentifiable object stuck to my leg.
I of course was stared at before, but now that I had a snap on pony, I was receiving more hardened glares and looks of concern. But I ignored them, choosing to smoke while we weaved in and out of the ponies.
As we got closer to what I assumed was were Rarity lived, or at least the general direction, I noticed that the furball was making motorboat like noises. And when I sped up or slowed down, so did the noises. It was hilarious, so, recognizing this pony as a non-threatining huggable thingy, I started talking to it,
“So what do I call you? Pob? Bob was blue… But you're pink… Can't call you Pinkie though.” I glanced down to see it shake its head, vibrating slowly. I found it funny and chuckled lightly to myself,
“Alright. Not Pob.” After a moment, I raised a brow, “Do you even have a name?”
It nodded and started doing hoof motions, the noises speeding up and down as it did more and more vareties. Case in point, I didn't understand shit,
“Uh huh… Maybe I should ask Rarity if you have a name. Seems like she would be the old-nosey hag type.” I swear I thought God was talking to me for a moment, a voice cut through the chatter of the square,
“Of course she has a name, silly! Her name's Fluffle Puff!”
I recognized that voice… Wait her? Ohhhhhhhh. Explains the pink. Turning, I saw who was speaking and gave a small grin, nodding a welcome to the hovering mare,
“Ms. Hooves, a pleasure.”
Derpy. I met her yesterday, in which she was nice enough to han- hoof me a muffin. Anybody who gives me food is alright in my books, so yeah, I didn't fucking snap at her. Plus that, and she was… well reminded me of someone.
Derpy was a peculiar sight though, being that of a dreary grey with a vibrant yellow. It also explains her exuberant eye color too, being that of a dainty sunflower. Nonetheless, she giggled and flew to the left, “Ms. Hooves? Reminds me of mom. Please, its Derpy. I'm the only one!”
“I can see that. How goes your morning then Derpy?”
Derpy shrugged, her walled eyes darting in different directions, “Its been okay so far. Right now, I'm trying to get to a…” She checked a bag that was clipped to her side, “Stallion named Filthy Rich. But I may have been… Turned around…” She added with a blush.
PPFFFFTTT. FILTHY RICH? What kind of name is that?!
Neverless, Smiling, I lifted my leg, “If I had name like that, I'd forget where I was too. ‘Sides, I was on my way over to Rarity’s. Hopefully I can drop this clingy furball off somwhere along the way. Wanna tag along?”
Derpy saluted and flew to my shoulder, “Sure! Dinky made sure I brought snacks too! So we have some good things to eat.” She said as she ruffled head first through her bag.
I cocked my head, “Dinky?”
Derpy came back out with a muffin abroad, “Mhm! She's my daughter!”
Daughter? She has a daughter? I tried to not let the shock show, merely clearing my throat in awkwardness,
“That's nice. How old is she?”
Derpy put a hoof to her chin, “I believe she is Applebloom’s age.”
Applebloom? Oh my sweet lord, these names...
So with careful steps, my little tag along entourage made our way through the food court.
As we ventured, Derpy made small talk and I engaged somewhat, feeling less sarcastic when I was around her. Not to mention, I think Fluffle Puff was rubbing off on me, her with the motorboat tounge sounds.
I noticed too, that I went through three cigarettes as we talked. Which was weird. I wasn't stressed… Much. But don't let my assholic nature get the best of you, I will always be that, however only to those I wish to be it to. Like Skittles, family, Twilight, Rarity, Maybe Pinkie if she gets on my nervers, Bob, Etc.
Derpy, I couldn't be an asshole towards. She was innocent, and actually reminded me of someone from school. She was my first acquaintence if I remember correctly…
As I dwelled in my thoughts, Derpy had flown in front of me and cocked her head,
“So Tick, where are you from?”
I sighed, “Why do you ask?”
“Because I haven't seen ya ‘round here.” She said, mimicking what I assumed was that farmpony across the way,
“Ah. Well that's because I'm not.”
Derpy stopped flying, allowing me to pass her, “Oh…” She then shook her head realizing that I was ahead,
“Well then from where?”
I blinked, “Not from Equestria. I'll give you that much.”
Derpy smiled, “Really? Where else could anypony be instead of Equestria, Tick?”
Oh my god, really? Okay you know what,
“Derpy, I don't think I'm from this world. Does that quench your thirst of knoweledge? At least that's what has been proven.”
“Not from this world? What? But you had to get here somehow… Maybe you came here on a…”
I chuckled, “Twilight. I came here on a Twilight. But landed on that roof over there.” I said pointing at the exact spot I was about Two days ago.”
Derpy cocked her head, Fluffle Puff mimicking her, “So… You aren't from… Equestria?”
I nodded, “Indeed.”
Derpy gasped, “THEN THAT MEANS YOURE AN ALIE-MMFGHH.”
I put a muffin in her snout and a finger to my lips,
“We do not use that word. I'm not an alien, Derpy. Just a guy who had bad luck worn on him.”
Fluffle Puff soothed me by touching my cheek somehow and letting out a soft,
“Pfffbbbttt…”
Thanks Puff. Derpy chewed the muffin up and blushed slightly,
“Well… You don't look like an alien.”
I smiled, “Thanks Derpy. Makes me feel less ugly.”
Derpy giggled, “Oh stop. I was trying to compliment you.”
I shrugged, “And it worked. Congratulations. Muffin?” I said, holding out a muffin Fluffle Puff forgot to eat.
Derpy smirked and yoinked the muffin from me,
“Yknow, you arent as mean as everypony says…”
I eyed Derpy, “I haven't been here a few days and already rumours are spreading?”
Fluffle Puff nodded, pointing to various directions and running around me with a smile. Apparently Derpy got what the Fluffers was trying to say and agreed,
“She's right. Nopony knows what to think of you yet. So, they're just scared.”
Damn. I feel them on that. Bet I'd be scared too if some five foot fuck tall dude came stomping through my neighborhood, smoking and shit.
And with that in mind, I stooped to Derpys level,
“Do you think I'm scary, Derpy?”
Derpys eyes looked from the muffin to me over the course of a few seconds. Eventually, she smiled,
“Naw, you're just cuteness impaired! Spend a couple of days here and Ponyville will clear that up.”
Pfft, “I'll pass.”
I stood back up and watched as Fluffle Puff latched onto my leg again. Derpy resigned to looking at the muffin, which after a while, I was worried it would burst into flames if she continued.
Actually, that sounds rather delicious. Charcoaled muffin. Mmm...
“I wonder…”
I raised a brow, “Wonder, what?”
The grey mare shot up, “Ooooo! Tick, what if I stick muffins over my eyes! WOULD I HAVE MUFFIN VISION?!?”
I laughed, “That's ridiculous. When you start seeing muffins, Derpy, that means you're hungry. Besides, if you want to see the food, just make them.”
Derpy wilted, “Aw… But the… Muffin vision…”
Dammit. Again with the eyes, Fluffle Puff included…
“Fine… Fine! I guess it wouldn't hurt to try..”
Famous last words. Derpy slapped muffins over Puffs eyes and hers,
“TICK! IT WORKS!!”
The gray sun colored mare flew to and fro, a huge smile on her face, with the addition of two muffins… Fluffle Puff gasped and somehow threw herself gracefully away. Watching the two of them dance arpund, in both the sky and on the ground left me to wonder,
“Wait really?”
I watched in amusement as Derpy flew around, a giggle escaping her in bubbles. Occasionally, a few of her kind would stop and look up, the would vary in responses, some laughing, and others sighing and shaking their heads.
But who cares right? Shes having fun, and I'm sure as hell not stopping her. Though, she did stop as she careened into the only standing human. Which was me. But she wouldn't let that force her away from F.U.N.
“Tick, you gotta try this!” Derpy said as she wobbled to her feet, the muffins falling away from her eyes.
“Derpy, that is fruitfully tempting. But I prefer watching you do it.”
Derpy groaned, “Oh, you are such a stick in the mud.”
I scoffed innocently, “Moi? Madame, I am no stick in the mud.”
Derpy smirked, her gaze becoming squinted, “Yes you are.”
“Am not.”
“Are to.”
“Seriously. Not.”
She giggled, “Are to!”
“Are to.”
“See? Told you.”
Dammit. I just got Derped by Derpy. How fucking classic.
“Okay. Let's say I do it. Will that make you stop asking?”
Derpy poked me on my shoulder, her tongue stuck out like Fluffers, “Maybe.”
Sighing, I put the cigarette out and took the muffins Derpy had given me,
“So just put these over my eyes?”
Both Fluffers and Derpy nodded. So that's what I did. And before you go all, OH MY GOD, TICK DID IT WORK?
No it didn't fucking work. I looked like a goddamned idiot with food on his eyes.
“Do you have the vision, Tick?”
“No. All I see is the ass of a muffin. Can I go now?”
Derpy whined, “See? He is a stick in the mud!” I think she was talking to Fluffle Puff. The response was a, ‘uh huh’, in tongue farts, “He doesn't see like we do!”
Laughing, I shrugged and took one of the foods off, “Because I'm not putting enough effort into it. Happens, Ms. Hooves.”
Derpy looked at me cross, “You're making me feel old.”
“Better than acting that way. Now, who wants a muffin?”
O.o.O.o.O
I found Rarity’s place after the little scenario with Derpy. Said mare left with Fluffle Puff and frolicked away to Neverland. Which was okay with me, I'm fine walking by myself to a Carousel dressed like a boutique.
Oh did I mention that's the name? Carousel Boutique. I will let you know right now, If Rarity has some sort of Business woman sales rhyme, there will be hell to pay. The basic gist of it, was actually a very fancy looking carousel. Although, it looked like something my grandma would have. You'd wind it up and it would make some sort of old tune play. Minus the horses.
With my courage steeled, and pride tucked away, I walked up to the dollhouse and knocked. Three simple raps, and it took that long for Rarity to actually appear.
If I were to comment on anything about her appearance, then I would say, that she looked fancy. But me trying to look at a horse, excuse, pony, that has make-up on, is kind of strange. Nonetheless, in standards of if she looked the part, then yes, she did.
A glow had engulfed the door, gracefully opening it to reveal the white and indigo unicorn standing before me,
“Ah, welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where everything is sl-”
Nopenopenopenope, thats the begining to a godawful rhyme, “Let me just stop you right there. Do, NOT, continue. PLEASE.”
Rarity blinked and sized me up, which she hadn't done before, “Oh. Its just you. You're late.”
I sighed, “In this case, it appears I am fashionably late. May I come in?” Rarity stepped aside, allowing me entry into her abode.
In the section of, if the place was roomy or not, know that it was quite… Compact. Now, before you get all judgemental on me, I'm in a fucking Toy right now. What do you expect me to say? Rather, expect me to do?
Stick a pole through one of her mannequins and dash around in a circle? Actually might do that now. It is a carousel after all.
“Tick, this way.”
I snapped from my thoughts and looked around to find Rarity trotting away,
“Oh what, I can't look at the splendor of your home?”
Rarity stopped and turned, “No. Look all you want. But I am on a crunch for time. Not to mention, the time we lost traveling with Twilight.”
“Aww… You care about me.”
Rarity scoffed, flipping her hair dramatically,
“Hardly the case. Now, be a dear and follow?”
I bowed, “Of course, Milady.”
Another long story short, we walked to a portion of her home specifically designed for “making” clothes. Not clothes for me, oh no, clothes for ponies. There were hundreds of dresses and suits just lined against several mannequins, already to the point of perfection and ready to be sold.
Rarity sat me down and went away to go collect her dress making shit. When she came back, I was crouching down, poking at what I thought was a pure gold suit.
“Darling, please do not touch. The last thing I wish to hear is you getting a smudge on the dresses.”
I snorted, cocking my head so I could get a better view of the suit, “Oh don't get your panties in a bunch. If I wanted to break some shit, I would've.”
“Tick.”
I sighed, “Right. Plant my ass in the seat. Gotcha.”
So that's what I did, planting my overly large ass into a way to small seat. Almost immediately, Rarity started measuring different sections, her magic taking glows in different portions of the tape, pen and notepad she was carrying.
Her eyes widened and squinted towards some portions, she was even nice enough to measure my foot and shoe. Now, I am happy. NEW SHOES.
“Tick, would you mind removing this… Shirt, Is it?”
I raised a brow, “What next. My pants?”
“Funny. Shirt. Off now.”
I saluted, “Yes mam!”
I quickly unbuttened the shirt and tossed it away, putting my hands into my pants pocketses. Rarity sighed and went back to measuring as she had done before. But this time, she had a confused and rather curious look when she finished.
“Alright. So, you need some new upper and lower… Portions…” She said as I buttoned my shirt, “This won't take to long to make. Nothing short of making that article for a Minotaur once. Dependent on your color scheme, will declare how long it should take.”
I shrugged, standing so I could roll my shoulders, “I'm not picky. But I would ask that your expertise come forward for the colors.”
Rarity smiled, “Keep up that attitude and I might take that as a compliment. Nonetheless, It would be my pleasure.”
And again with the references, “Uh-huh. Thanks Rarity. Though, you do realize I my wallet with me, right?”
Rarity nodded, “Oh worry not. Celestia came by.”
Damn.
“She did?”
Rarity nodded, “Quite. Left me a sum for now payments and those of the future. But regard that of not. I wouldn't dare make you pay me.”
I raised a boastful question, “And why is that?”
The white made batted her lashes and chose to turn to her work, “I wouldn't take it darling. It's not in my nature to.”
I chuckled, “Ah. I generous dressmaker then.”
Rarity giggled, “Quite. Now, Because of you, I'm busy. So shoo!”
I raised my hands in defense and walked away, “Alright. Alright. Do you need me for anything before I go?”
Rarity had been collecting materials for making the shoe, but stopped, “Oh. Well, no. Actually…” She blinked and shook her muzzle, “Nothing of your concern, Tick.”
I raised a brow, “I hope you do know I'm going to berate you until you tell me right?”
Rarity looked up, “Really?”
“Indeed.”
She sighed, “Well in that case, Tick, I can finish your clothing in a matter of minutes. It doesn't require effort. If you are available to, I need you to pick up my little sister from her school. By the time you get back, it should be done.”
I chuckled, “You actually trust me to do that?”
Rarity nodded, “Yes. I mean, otherwise you'd have to face the wrath of Princess Celestia no doubt if you harmed her in anyway.”
You bitch.
“On top of that, you'd have to face me too.”
I gave her a questionable look, “Again with the threats, Miss Rarity. Keep that attitude up, and I would actually be afraid.”
“Regardless, could you do it for me Tick?”
With a sigh, I nodded, earning a grateful smile from the unicorn,
“Can you direct me where it is? I have no fucking idea how to navigate about town.”
Rarity winked, “All you needed was to ask.”
PVO.o.O.o.OVP
“And with that, Have a good weekend class! Dismissed!”
A school bell signaled the end of the day, allowing fillies and young colts alike to leave. Some left with their mothers, others with fathers. Some, left without parents at all. But a few of them stuck around, supposedly two of them waiting on the third,
“How ‘bout your place then? Mah sis is cleaning today. Can’t do it there.”
“What?! Applejack is doing that TODAY? Man…” A filly with a purple mane sighed, “Well if Sweetie Bell would hurry up, maybe her sister could let us sleep over.”
Another filly hopped from the entrance of the school, “I don't know girls. She's been very adamant about letting you two over since we…”
“SHHHWe don't talk ‘bout that.”
“Oh of course Applebloom doesn’t want to talk about it.”
Sweetie Bell giggled, “Right. Well where is Rarity?”
Applebloom looked up and shrugged, “I dunno. Scootaloo said that she forgot about us.”
Scootaloo pegged her friend in the shoulder, “Did not!” The other two looked between each other, smirking. It ended with all three laughing.
Typical youngster stuff, yadda yadda yadda. The major point of them just waiting there, was for the mare Rarity to come. But I knew better. Instead of her, it was him. The newest town member. Oh how fun it seemed just to see how angry he could really be, and it would be, Tick's, fault.
“Excuse me, which one of you is Sweetie Bell?”
Speak of the devil…
O.o.O.o.O