//------------------------------// // Obligatory Romance // Story: Oh Hia Cutie Mark // by Dez Keiz //------------------------------// Tommy awoke to the smell of pancakes and eggs. He walked downstairs to see spike preparing a breakfast. Tommy sat down and spike served him the food. Tommy thanked him and spike smiled at the fact that somepony acknowledged his existence. He ate and was soon joined by another pony. She was light pink with a lavender mane, or is light purple? The fuck if I know, who do you think I am Bob fucking Ross. She had a button cutie marks and a ascot scarf thing thing that just screams, "I am a bitch." She sat down next to him and began eating. She looked over at Tommy. Tommy decided to speak up. "Good morning other pony." The bitch pony was silent for a bit and then she spoke, "Good morning." "I am Tommy Wiseau." "I am Suri Polomare." "Nice to meet you." "Yes, are you one of Twilight's rehab students." "No, are you." "Yes, I had some trouble with friendship in Manehattan, kinda treated an assistant like a slave." "Oh, that is not nice." "But I am here to redeem myself, what about you, why are you here." "It is kinda a funny story." "Well, okay then." "I came through a magical portal thingy, so anyways how is your sex life?" Suri looked at Tommy in silence, "Excuse me?" "Do not be alarmed it is how I make normal talk to other life form." "Right...anyways I should be going." She got up but tripped on nothing because the plot demanded it. She fell onto Tommy and they landed on the floor face to face. You fuckers probably know where this shit is going from here. Suri got up quickly and they exchanged awkward smiles before going their separate ways. Tommy went into town and stopped by Rarity's shop. Rarity saw him come in as she was working on a dress. "Hello there." Tommy smiled walking in, "Hello." "Oh Tommy it is you, how may I help you." "May I buy a suit?" "Of course. I need to take your measurements." He walks forward and she takes is measurements. "Got it," She walks away and comes back with a tux. "This is what my great uncle wore on his funer- I mean wedding day." "Okay," Tommy said. "I will take it." "That will be eighteen bits." "Here you go." He gave her the money and took the suit."Keep the change." He stopped to give Rarity's cat a pet on the head. "Hi kitty." "You're my newest customer." "Thanks a lot bye." He walked out. "Bye bye," Rarity waved him out and stopped to think. "Wait, what in Celestia's mane just happened?" Meanwhile in Celestia's mane, a tiny pig was doing a dance with a sentient potato. Tommy walked to the the Apple farm where Big Mac and apple Bloom were playing with a football, or would it be hoofball, do they even call it hoofball. Football is different in other countries. Hoofball should actually be soccer in Equestria, since they seem to have a monarchy and be based heavily off Britain. But they also have towns with American names. Fuck it, lets just say it's Rugby. The two ponies invited him to join in. He runs into the barn and pits his tux on so that he can properly play the sport. He throws the ball and Apple Bloom goes after it. Soon Apple Jack joins in the fun as well. The four of them played for sometime before Tommy had to go. After all Pinkie was throwing a welcome party at sugar cube corner. He went to the party where several ponies were gathered but the one that caught his eye was Suri. He walked to her and they began some small talk. Seeing the conversation Twilight walked up to them. "I see you two have gotten to know each other." She said with a smile. "Oh yes, Suri is really funny. Hahahaha." Tommy replied with his usual authentic laugh. "Thanks Twilight," Suri commented with a grin. "I made a friend now." "Well glad I can help." Twilight walked away leaving the two to talk. Tommy looked at her. "Are you sure we just friends?" He asked. Suri was silent for a bit and then she spoke, "Good point." Despite having no chemistry and sharing only one awkward moment together they kissed because the plot needs to move forward some how. After the party they went back to the castle. Tommy and Suri went to their separate rooms. Unbeknownst to Tommy and the others Suri was planning something in her room. She was devising a plan to ruin Rarity's boutique and get revenge. She still loved Tommy though and she believed that the two could take down Rarity together. But she would have to be careful not to alert Tommy to quickly. She wanted him but she also wanted Rarity to suffer. Tommy lay in his room thinking about his new love. Maybe he will have to stay in Equestria to be with her. Could he bring her back to the human world? Could she survive the dangers of angry Tumblr feminist, reality television, taxes, and Caitlyn Jenner driving a zamboni. Would she succeed and be successful like himself. Or would she fail at life like a Apple Genius Bar employee. Or perhaps she will become famous and come crashing down like Lindsay Lohan. These questions made it hard for him to sleep. After about an hour he goes downstairs to walk around a bit where he once again meets Spike. Spike looks to him surprised, "Tommy, what are you doing up at this hour?" "I would ask you the same thing." Tommy replies. "Can't sleep. I walk around when I can't sleep." "Same here." "Yeah, despite all the work I can't seem to sleep. I guess I just feel unappreciated. Like life always shits on me. Like there is some force writing my life in an episodic way where I am just the butt of all jokes for a much more beloved group of ponies." "That is sad to hear, but It can get better." "How?" "We need more love here." "What do you mean?" "If a lot of ponies learn to love each other the world would be a better place." "Yeah that makes sense, I guess.." The two walked into the kitchen where they got themselves some cereal and continued to talk. "So Tommy," He takes a bite of cereal. "Why are you up?" Tommy ate some cereal and put his fork down. "I don't know If I should go home because I love Suri now, and I don't know if I can take her with me." "Wow, sucks to be you." "Yeah, so anyways how is your sex life?"