“Oh, this is so amazing!” Pinkie said, bouncing behind her sister Maud with a massive grin on her face. “It’s been so long since we lost saw each other!”
“It was two weeks ago,” Maud said simply.
“Yeah, but that was SOOOOOO long ago!” Pinkie flashed an even wider smile (which shouldn’t have been possible… I am beginning to think Pinkie doesn’t understand the laws of physics and biology… nah). “I’m so excited to be here with you!”
“I’m excited too,” Maud stated. She was supposed to be on an expedition to the Badlands (not to be confused with the Goodlands… a truly horrid place) to look at some new rock formations but when she’d heard about the Limestone Festival being held in Rockchester she had decided to swing by and see what the artists had done. Pinkie, of course, had decided that she had to come too (for… uh… reasons?) and thus the sisters got to spend more time together. “I am practically vibrating with glee.” Maud, ever so slowly, shook her body (or didn’t… honestly it was hard to tell).
“I can tell! Just look at you!” Pinkie said, getting in close and staring at Maud’s eye… which she blinked slightly faster than normal. “Wow, so giddy! Oooo!” Pinkie zoomed over to a statue that had been cut from pink limestone to resemble a dragon. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“It is a rock in the shape of a dragon-like being,” Maud said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“What else do you think of it?” Pinkie asked, examining the work with a critical eye.
“It is roughly 3.7 feet tall.”
Pinkie gasped. “IT IS!”
“It is 121 pounds.”
“IT IS!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“And that was a scream,” Maud said, looking towards the source of the cry.
Pinkie gasped. “IT WAS!”
The two sisters ran towards the source of the scream, pushing through the crowd that was already gathering near the edge of the river that ran on the outskirts of Rockchester’s main park, only to come to a halt. There stood a screaming mare, her hoof shaking as she pointed at the stallion lay before her at the river’s edge. He was half buried in the mud that lined the riverbank, a massive rock sculpture in the shape of Princess Celestia lying on top of him, crushing him. Beside him was a bag that had once held a bunch of papers but now also had a bunch of water and mud soaking into it. From the little badge that still hung around his neck it was clear that he was one of the artists that was supposed to present his work at the festival.
“Oh, this is dreadful!” one mare screamed, hugging her colt. “Oh, think of the little ones! They’ll be tramutized!”
“Cool! I want to see if his guts burst out!” the colt exclaimed.
“Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children?!?!”
“Make some space,” Maud said sternly (well, for her). “I’m taking over this investigation.”
“You?” another mare exclaimed. “And what makes you qualified?”
Pinkie scoffed. “You don’t know? This is my big sister, Dr. Maud Pie, forensic petrologist! She works with the EBI!”
Maud nodded, reaching into the pocket of her dress and pulling out a magical distress beacon. It flashed for a few seconds before, with a pop, a group of EBI agents, led by a massive dark blue unicorn stallion with a cutie mark that was in the image of a badge with the word ‘COCKY’ on it appeared.
“Alright, out of the way, old gray mares!” (they ain’t what they used to be, ain’t what they used to be, ain’t what they used to be) the stallion shouted. “My name is Steeley Booth and I’m taking over this investigation!”
Pinkie grinned, looking at Maud who was ignoring Steeley. “Ooooo! Maud, you were right… the sexual tension between you two is so thick!”
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted
Episode 38: Home Alone
“Thanks for helping me out with this,” Shining Armor said as he wiped his brow, looking over the throne he and Sunset Shimmer had just gotten done moving. “I’d do it myself but I wanted an expert.”
Sunset frowned at the consort of Crystal Princess (Cadence had wanted to call him ‘Sex Buddy’ but Shining had talked her into a more dignified title; Tydal still suggested he should be called ‘The Wimpy and Pathetic Shinie). “You do realize that I only broke in here one time. That hardly makes me an expert.”
“One more time than I have,” Shining said. “Now, we need to take a look at the staircase…”
Sunset nodded politely as she followed Shining Armor out of the Crystal Palace’s throne room. She hadn’t expected to receive a scroll from Shining Armor two mornings ago asking her to come visit the Crystal Empire but had jumped at the chance to come and help Shining go through the palace and look for security risks and entry points. The truth of the matter was that while she was enjoying living with Tydal and having a family… he could be a bit… over protective…
~One Week Earlier~
Tydal smiled as he watched the dive bar burn up in flames, the flicker of the fire reflecting in his shining eyes. A gas can sat at his side, a small drop falling from the nozzle.
“You didn’t need to do that!” Sunset complained, moving to stand next to her grandfather.
Tydal, however, didn’t notice her annoyance and spoke with a much-too-chipper tone (at least in Sunset’s opinion). “Alcohol can dull your senses. That could make you make decisions you’ll one day regret, like sleeping with a roughneck stallion. That stallion would knock you up and you’d be forced to marry him. He’d hate that he was saddled down with a wife and kids and ruined his dreams of opening his own hoofball-themed restaurant. He’d begin to beat you. And the moment he laid a hoof on you I’d have to kill him and get rid of the body so you could claim insurance money. And the best way to get rid of a body is to make it look like they died in a bar fire. Clearly it is just quicker to burn the bar down now.”
“…no, it really isn’t,” Sunset complained.
“Also their bathroom had none of those paper thingies that you put on toilet sets. You might have caught an infection. The best way to kill an infection is with fire. Lots… and lots… of fire.” Tydal looked down at the ground, scuffing it with his hoof. “You know, sometimes dirt has bacteria in it-“
“NO!”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Still, thanks for your help," Shining said as they made their way towards one of the many... many... many stair cases that filled the Crystal Palace. "It's nice to have help from somepony who isn't immortal... the rest of the gang tends to forget that not all of us are as indestructible as they are. I mean, yeah, I’m technically a god-"
“And Grandpa Tydal thinks I’m immortal now thanks to the Elements of Harmony and Faith releasing all that magic.”
“-but both of us can still die if we get really big boo boos. So having another set of eyes that understand such problems is a huge help.”
"Not a problem," Sunset said. "Where is Princess Cadence, anyway?"
"She and Twiley are having a Mares Day Out," Shining stated as he came to a stop at a particular flight of stairs. He began to examine the wall carefully, looking for the one section that hid the secret trigger that would turn the stairway into a slide. He’d discovered many of Sombra’s little traps while searching through the library for Cadence’s car keys (only to realize later that Cadence didn’t own a car). "I decided that while she was having fun this would be the perfect time to get this project done."
Sunset smirked at that. "You told her it was already done and now need to hurry before she uncovers your lie."
"Yeah," Shining admitted, lips puckered as Sunset cackled at his predicament. "Very funny."
The unicorn calmed herself after a few minutes. "You know, you could have invited Tydal to help... he could have brought Wiggles… having him around might have helped-"
"I still can't believe he hasn't put two and two together."
"I think he does realize that Wiggles is Sombra but he just doesn't want to admit it... that or he knows the truth and this is his twisted way of watching over him and ensuring he doesn't cause any problems. I mean, no offense to him but he is Discord's baby brother. That doesn’t speak to sanity."
"And you might be Tydal's biological granddaughter, so what does that say about you?" Shining asked.
"I tried to invade Equestria with teenagers... it's pretty clear I'm crazy," Sunset said with a shrug.
Shining nodded, “Right… thank Faust my bloodline isn’t going to mingle with that anytime soon…” (EPIC FORESHADOWING!!!!) Shining muttered to himself and, after a few moments, he found the hidden switch and using his magic to deactivate it. "There! That one is down... we should be pretty close to deactivating all of these."
“So, I noticed a certain lack of guards… or maids… or even subjects… when I arrived this morning. Where is everypony?”
“I gave the guards and maids the day off, as I didn’t want to risk hurting anyone if I accidently activated a death trip in another part of the palace while I was trying to do something as simple as flick on a light.”
“…thank you for including me in your death trap detecting,” Sunset said sarcastically. “Where are the rest of the citizens then?”
Shining tapped his chin. “Well, with the Crystal Empire able to actually interact with the world more, a lot of them are visiting other towns and seeing about setting up business opportunities…”
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot…~
“Frick yeah, bro, you openin’ up a Timmy toos?”
The second Crystalian nodded. “”Frick ya, buddy, got ta love dem donut holes, eh?”
“Frick yeah! That’s why I’m openin’ my own Timmys, too!” the first Crystal Pony said. “After this ya want to check out a hockey game, bro?”
“Frick yeah, bro! We can pound down some Lacolts, buddy.”
“Sounds great, bro!”
Wall Breaker walked by and frowned. “I have no idea what either of them are saying.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Wow,” Sunset said.
“Frick yeah, bro, they are weird like that,” Shining said before shaking his head violently. “Sorry… it kinda rubs off on ya… you. Rubs off on you.” Glancing around as if he expected the Crystal Mounties to show up and try to brainwash him, Shining finally let out a sigh of relief and went back to checking the stairs. “Alright, so it looks like everything is in order here and-“
“DANGER UP IN HERE, BEE-OTCH! DANGER UP IN HERE, BEE-OTCH!”
“What is that?” Sunset said, looking around.
“Sombra’s alarm system… apparently he liked sassy black mare voices when it came to alarm sounds.” Shining touched a bit of the wall, causing the hidden panel to slide open revealing some special magic crystals which were totally NOT a magical version of a standard home security system… totally. “Report… what is going on?”
“MMMHMMM, YOU GOT SOME TROUBLE UP IN HERE! NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET THE GUARDS GO BECAUSE NOW YOU BEIN’ ROB. DIDN’T I TELL YOU? I TOLD YOU. REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU? IT WAS WHEN A TOLD YOU. WHEN WAS THAT? A LONG TIME AGO WHEN I DONE TOLD YOU!”
“Wow,” Sunset said. “I can’t tell if this is progressive or offensive.”
“Can’t it be both?” Shining asked. He tapped the command crystal again. “What do you mean we are being robbed?”
“JUST WHAT I SAID, SUGAR!” the system declared. “YOU GOT TWO NO GOOD NO-GOODS SNEAKIN’ ‘ROUND YOUR PALACE AND THEY ARE PLANNIN’ TO STEAL ANYTHING THAT AIN’T BOLTED DOWN. HONEY, YOU BEST DO SOMETHING QUICK!”
“Well… shit,” Shining muttered.
“Whoa!” Sunset said in shock. “You swore!”
“Uh… yeah,” Shining said. “This is ‘The God Squad’… we can curse, damn it.”
Sunset’s face twisted into a look of utter confusion. “The… what?”
“Oh yeah, we are also able to break the fourth wall but only if we are really careful.” Shining tapped his chin, addressing the security system. “Can you show me the thieves?”
“OH HONEY, I CAN SHOW YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT, SEXY BOY! YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT KING SOMBRA. MMMHMMM, THAT BOY WAS NA-STY!” A screen lowered down on the other wall and the Shining and Sunset stepped to the side as a projecting crystal fired up, showing them what was going on outside of the palace…
~Outside of the Palace…~
“What are you doing, Marv?”
Marvelous ‘Marv’ Merchant, a long and lanky pegasus with a curly mane and beard, looked over at his partner as he attached a 100 foot green garden to a spigot outside the Tim Hortons. “I’m setting up our calling card, Hairy!”
Hairy Lime, a stocky earth pony with a bald head and sour attitude, glared at his partner, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “Why do we need a calling card? Why would we WANT a calling card!? The whole point is that we don’t want people to know we robbed them!”
Marv laughed. “Come on, we always have this discussion! We need a calling card to spread terror and respect throughout the world! When people see our calling card they will know we were the ones that hit them…” He paused, considering what he’d just said. “Well, not quite us us… but they will know that the burglars that hit their neighbors have hit them!”
Hairy just rolled his eyes. There was just no talking to his idiot partner. If the pegasus wasn’t so handy when it came to reaching tall things on the high shelves… “Alright… but what does our ‘calling card’ have to be us sticking a running hose in their front window?”
“Because that is who we are… we are the Damp Bandits!”
Hairy rubbed his temples. “And why are we called the Damp Bandits? Why not something else… like the Daring Duo or the Midnight Thieves?”
“Because how would that make sense if we were called the Daring Duo? Our calling card is leaving a hose in their front window!”
“…because we are the Damp Bandits,” Hairy said slowly.
“Exactly!”
“Which we are only called because we leave a hose in their front window.”
“Right.”
“Which we do because we are called the Damp Bandits and if we were called something else we could do something else.”
“Now you are catching on!”
Hairy ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “One moment.” The stout earth pony walked just off screen. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” He returned after a few moments, his left eye twitching.
“Get your traditional ‘Scream Before the Caper’ done?”
“Yeah,” Hairy grumbled. “Now then, let’s just get to robbing the Crystal Palace.”
~MC~MC~MC~
Sunset pursed her lips as the projection screen retracted back into the ceiling. “So… I vote we just let the police handle this and move on with our lives. Get some lunch? I’m thinking Tex-Mex.”
“We can’t,” Shining said with a groan. “We’re going to have to stop them ourselves.”
“Why? They’re idiots… should be insanely easy for even the fattest donut-munching cop to catch them. Hell, they might just forget what they are doing, take a nap in the middle of a hallway, and the cops can gently float them to jail.”
“Well, unfortunately for us there are no cops in the Crystal Empire.”
Sunset’s brow furrowed. “Say what now?”
“We have Crystal Mounties. And unless you are a mare being tied to a railroad track by a stallion with a pencil-thin mustaches they pretty much can only stand around and look handsome.”
“Who would ever set up a bunch of pretty boys as-wait, just remembered that Cadence runs the Crystal Empire, suddenly this makes a ton of sense.”
“Yeah. The Crystal Guard is out because I sent them away with the maids, the Neighborhood Watch is in total disarray and my attempts to make Crystal Empire versions of my sister and her friends-“
“Wait, what?!?”
“-hasn’t been working that well…”
~Meanwhile, at Aurora Twinkle’s Tim Horton’s Coffee and Bake Shop…~
“Alright then gals, it’s time ta decide who gets to go the Prancing Prom this year, dontcha know.”
Dappled Racer shook her head. “Frick no, gal, I don’t want ta go ta that! I got a tryout with the Maple Leafs ; gonna finally achieve my dream of bein’ a hockey player.”
“Well, I can’t wait ta go, dontcha know,” Scarcity stated. “I got a new batch of tuques I want to show off at the Prom, eh?”
“But if ya don’t go to the Prom I’ll never ascend into a Prime Minister!” Aurora complained.
“Anyone want more maple syrup?” Maplejack asked.
“Shhh, you’ll scare the geese… eh,” Quiververt whispered.
“And I’m the Canadian version of Pinkie Pie!” Flapper Pie declared
~MC~MC~MC~
“So, what do you suggestion?” Sunset asked, annoyed that Shining wasn’t letting her take the easy way out. “We stop these burglars ourselves?”
“I was going to suggest hiding in a closet but that works too!” Shining grinned, hurrying over to the control panel. “Alright, we’ll use a bunch of Sombra’s traps plus whatever we can find in the maintenance man’s closet. This will be foolproof!”
“…I could have stayed with Tydal,” Sunset muttered. “I could have just burned down bars with him. But NOOOOO!”