//------------------------------// // Through the Lookinglass Gate // Story: Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel // by the-pieman //------------------------------// Two weeks later... ish Today is the day. Cadence sent down letters to Twilight, Pinkie and I, that the Lookinglass Gate that leads from Canterlot to Wunderland would only be open for another two days on this side. As such, we’re all packed up, and ready to go, and we’re sitting on the train to Canterlot. With any luck, we’ll only take a few weeks there, but I’ve been warned over and over again that the time we spend there might not be the time spent here. In fact, Twilight’s going over that again, while Pinkie and I are playing a card game and ignoring her. Besides, I’m not stupid, I’ve read enough theoretical physics and sci-fi to understand that things can get weird when moving to a new world or whatever Wunderland is. Anyway, I’m rather surprised, because Pinkie has the best poker-face ever. She never stops smiling, which makes it really hard to tell what she has. This is difficult. “D’you have a three?” she asks. “Yes...” I place the card down on the table. “Wait, so do I go fish? Or wait, what are we playing again?” This is the other problem with playing against Pinkie - she knows too many games, the rules all there in full. “At this point, we could be playing ring toss. I have no idea.” Then I get an idea. I get some coal out. For the trip, I upgraded from a pouch to a saddlebag Rarity modified into a satchel for me. I make a little loop about two inches in diameter and tossed it at Twilight, trying to get it to land on her horn... without cheating. The engrossed unicorn doesn’t seem to notice until Pinkie lands the first ring, and Twilight goes cross-eyed to look at it. “Wha-?” Pinkie and I jump up and yell “Score!” Our arms raised. “What are you two doing?” She asks, looking baffled by the ring’s presence. “What’s going on?” “It’s called ring toss.” Pinkie giggled. “It’s a lot of fun, Twilight! Ooh, I just had an idea, can you move your head back and forth?” Twilight lets out an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes. Pinkie lands another ring on Twilight’s horn. “Aw come on, Twilight, why are you only fun when you aren’t participating?” I ask, rolling my eyes, annoyed by the unicorn’s persistence at being a killjoy. Twilight ‘humph’s and lays down on the seat, her horn at the perfect angle for the ring toss. She used her magic to levitate the two rings off of her horn and drop them on my lap. “Spoilsport...” Pinkie muttered. Her moods seem more... moody than usual. “So, now what? We’ve still got another, like, twenty minutes until we arrive.” Suddenly a thought hits me and I grin. “You know, when we get back from Wunderland, it’ll only be about five weeks before we release Discord!” Twilight glared at me. “Might only be five weeks! Have you not been listening? The temporal-” “Yeah, you’re right, he might think we forgot about him! Maybe we should free him and take him along...” “No!” Twilight is such a grump sometimes... She needs to get out more. “Well, I guess that’s your opinion. I can’t imagine being turned to stone is very comfortable. Rainbow Dash certainly hated it. I just don’t feel right imprisoning someone longer than we have to.” I reply, folding my arms. Twilight looks uncomfortable, shifting in her seat. It doesn’t look like she want to think too hard on that, tucking her hooves under her chest like a cat. It’d probably be more adorable if she wasn’t having to sort through a moral conundrum. I decide to just keep messing with her. It’s the only way I can have any real fun with her anyways. “You know, that might be something to write down. After all, the more we know about various forms of petrification, the better. For all we know, it could be different. Though Rainbow did mention it felt like constant suffocation.” I pause to let that sink in. “We should really do all we can to help Myrna. And if it’s the same for Discord...” I shudder. “A thousand years of that, and now three more years...” Pinkie and Twilight both looked deeply disturbed by the thought, and the air in the train-car turns sour with tension. Some start to a vacation this is... Hey, maybe there’s a chance I could at least go say ‘hi’ to Discord before I go, to at least say that I’ll be back as soon as I can. Rainbow said she could hear while stone, just not speak or move. “Well, in any case, I’m gonna go for a walk around the train. I’ll take my opinions on the moral treatment of our adversaries we hope to befriend with me, I suppose.” The two ponies shuffle in their seats as I leave, shutting the dividing door gently. I turn and see that I’m in some kind of dining-car, and there’s a bunch of ponies in business suits and the like clustered around either a minibar or a few tables attached to the train itself. They’re all staring at me, and I get the feeling that they stopped their conversations when I walked in. “So, what do you guys do for fun on train rides?” I ask, sitting down, addressing the ponies nearest to me. The entire car goes back to their business, the colt and the mare I’d sat across from shrugging. The mare glances at the stallion, and he glances back to her. “Mostly, we drink, or we wait. Ain’t much else to do for... business ponies.” he says. He’s wearing some kind of long coat and wide hat, and she’s wearing the same, but I don’t really care enough to eyeball their clothes. “Really? You can’t be on business all the time. Come on, just relax. Sing a song, play a game! Live!” The ponies glance left and right, almost perfectly in sync. The colt leans closer to me, while keeping an eye towards the bartender. “Listen, bud, we ain’t gotta thing to do, right now. We’re, uh, layin’ low. You got cards? We’ll play cards if you keep quiet.” "You on the run or something? What'cha do, put hot sauce in someone’s coffee and they hire an assassin?” I whisper, keeping my voice down. The two snickered. “Heh, sure, let’s go with that. Now, let’s play cards and not be conspicuous. I think the bartender’s already got us pegged.” “You’re asking me,” I gesture to my very noticeably non-pony figure. “to look inconspicuous?” The two look me up and down. “Howsabout you look more conspicuous than us? That’s a bit better than all of us being-" The bartender, who had moved quietly and swiftly to the table without me noticing, clears his throat. “Sir, madam.” The two ponies groan and face-table. The Bartender leans forward, eyes narrowing. “I must ask you... May I have your autographs? My niece is a big fan of the Wonderbolts.” My table companions groan again. “I’m sure she is.” The colt sighs, and doffs his hat, revealing a powder-blue mane and blue coat. A wing snaps out from under the coat, gripping the proffered quill and signs the picture shoved at him by the bartender. The mare follows suit with a sigh, her hat coming off to reveal a literal fiery-looking mane and yellow fur. I pause. “Why don’t you just say no? You wouldn’t believe all the fans I have, and I usually just say no. Why all the hiding?” As the words left my mouth, I see that the dozen or so ponies have all pulled open their own coats, are now using old flashbulb cameras to snap dozens of pictures a second. The light is blinding, even to me. “Okay, I’ll handle this.” I Spark up and rush across each of the paparazzi, and taking their cameras, before returning to the table, Powering down, and removing the film from each of the cameras. “As I said, why don’t you say no?” The orange mare smiles gently and gives a quiet laugh. “What, and leave some poor little filly crying, because she got turned down by the Wonderbolts? It’s a tradition to sign it all, but ponies have been getting more and more inventive on tracking us down for autographs. It’s why we rarely stay still anymore.” She glares over at the paparazzi, who all back off, sheepish grins in place. I’m tempted, if only for a moment, to smash their cameras, but they’re just doing their jobs. “So do what I do when I have to. I tell them that unless they ask first and are polite then they can take pictures or get you to sign stuff, or they get nothing. I only do it for nice people.” The colt sighed, crossing his hooves. “Yeah, the last time we tried to limit our autographing, it took three wings of Stormbringers to stop the fires. Chickago hasn’t been the same since.” “Well, I guess that is a problem, but technically that’s their fault. Eh just forget it, I’m probably not much help. Different kind of fame and all.” The two ponies nodded, as I hand back the now-empty cameras. The film is mine now, and I’ll probably burn it once we’re somewhere I can safely dispose of it. The Wonderbolts offer me a drink from their bottle of whiskey. “Canterlot’s only about a minute away, might as well have a drink to part with, eh?” the stallion asks, sliding a shot glass to me. “Yup, I suppose so.” I pour some whiskey out into the glass and knock it back at once. I shiver from the sensation, but it’s not the hardest drink I’ve ever had. “Not bad stuff there. Guess when you’re famous you get the good stuff.” The orange mare shook her head. “Nah, that’s just the normal stock. My uncle makes Firewhiskey, he’s named after it.” She pauses for a moment. “Or it’s named after him. I’ve never really looked into that.” The whistle blows to announce our arrival at Canterlot. I get up and head back to the train car with Twilight and Pinkie. Technically I could just phase out of the side of the train and wait for them, but I’d rather not if the train is still slowing down. Within half an hour, we’ve assembled, met up with Cadence, who shares the strangest greeting with Twilight. I say ‘hi’, and decide to excuse myself to check up on Discord. I get there and I take a look at the statue. According to the princesses, his first time, he was laughing. When I saw him first, he was scared. Right now, he just looks confused and peeved. “Heya man.” I obviously get no answer. “Yeah, sorry about that, I really only did that ‘cause I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. You understand, right?” Still no response, I just get that frozen, annoyed face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m a party-pooper. Seriously though, I really would love to do that again, we just need to get the others to trust you. And that’s gonna take some work." I sit in silence for a bit, and Celestia walks up to me. “And what are you doing here?” “Saying hello to Discord.” “Well, forgive me for a bit of skepticism. When a guard reported he saw you coming this way, I assumed I had to fear the worst.” “Hey, it’s not my fault I feel bad for a guy who’s been turned to stone. I’ve got a few ponies with experience who say it’s absolutely dreadful.” I say pointedly at the large mare, a bit of bite to my tone. “Dreadful or no, he should be punished for his actions. I’m aware that we will attempt to reform him within the next month, and I hope you are right that he can be trusted." “Well, trustworthy or not, I can’t imagine how it would feel to be stuck standing in a garden, unmoving, unable to see or speak at all for a thousand years. I mean, just a hundred would be extreme torture in my opinion. Petrifaction is not something to joke about.” Celestia just looks up at Discord’s statue, her face a mask as usual. We stand in silence for nearly a minute, before she turns back to me. “We all have our sins to bear, Anthony. Do not assume I made the decision to return him to stone lightly.” She sighed. “You didn’t make the decision at all, I went and got Twilight and we zapped him. You were nowhere around.” I say, “Unless somehow during all the chaos you managed to get a letter to Twilight, but with the library in the state it was, I doubt that she’d read it, or even notice its arrival.” “I meant the first time, Anthony. Or did you think he turned himself to stone and waited for my student and her friends for nearly one thousand years in stone?” “Considering his opinion on the matter, no, I doubt that. As for the first time, second time, or even the third time, what’s it matter to you? You all hate him.” I remind her. “No, Anthony, not all of us hate him. In fact, I’m fairly certain that most of the populace barely dislikes him.” she snaps, looking at me angrily. I return the gaze. “And you had every opportunity to defend him when I first asked about him, but you just let your little ponies tell me all about how evil he was, and all the horrible things he did to them. Saying nothing is just as bad as agreeing.” I say sternly. “None of us said he was evil, no matter how you wish to change the facts to put you in the right, Anthony. “I’m not putting myself in the right, I’m putting Discord in the right. Petrification? Seriously? If that’s really how you choose to deal with problems you can’t handle civilly, I can see why he ‘dislikes’ you so much.” “Well, for one, Anthony, ponies don’t choose how the Elements of Harmony react to what they target.” Celestia says, and I feel my mind grind to a halt. They have a super weapon, and they don’t even choose how it does things?! “And it’s your choice to leave him in stone, not letting him out and giving him a more appropriate punishment, no? This is your garden by your castle in your country. If you disagreed with it in any way you have every opportunity to set it right, but you don’t. That’s as good as choosing to imprison him in stone in the first place.” I say, our stares reaching a fever pitch. “You willingly instill a fate worse than death on a living creature, and you find nothing wrong with that? You are sick.” “And why do you draw the conclusion I see nothing wrong with this? I am not even sure if he can sense anything through this imprisonment... or if he’s even conscious. Some of those who’ve been petrified have stated they could, but some do not, and a few have been petrified more than once and reported different results.” she says, sounding sad. I stomp my foot. “I don’t like curses like this. The way I see it, nobody deserves it. If what they’ve done is truly, truly unforgivable, I’d say just kill them. But in the case of Discord... I don’t think he really knew how much danger he was causing. Can you say any different?” I recall his comment when I confronted him at the top of Town Hall. “In fact, I know he didn’t. He just needs a lesson in the mortality of others. I don’t think he really wants to do any real damage to anyone. But you would rather trap him in a state where he may or may not be totally suffering.” “I would rather he had not attacked my ponies in a fit of pique! Twice!” she snaps again, then sighs, expression softening. “I apologize, today has been rather... trying in court.” That’s her excuse for being an asshole to Discord for thousands of years? Pfft. Bitch. “Well maybe you need to stop acting like your precious ponies are the only creatures who deserve happiness... Would certainly get you farther with me.” I say, glowering seriously before turning away. “I have no problem with others having happiness, Anthony, as long as it is not at the expense of the innocent.” she says. “And who decides who is innocent? Is Discord not innocent because he has the mind of a child and can’t piece together how to have fun while being friendly?” She’s quiet for several seconds. I’m about to walk away when she speaks up, “He is not innocent of the harm he has caused. He knows he hurt others, though I will admit he may not have known how badly he hurt them. I don’t wish to make him out to be a demon, or a true monster... but I had no way to safely contain him and explain, and it seemed that a thousand summers spent taking time away to speak to his statue did nothing to help him when he returned.” she says. “Hard not to, when you’re the one who sentenced him to his imprisonment and didn’t actually help him, just stood there and talked while he couldn’t even converse back. Do you not see how mocking that is? ‘Oh hi Discord, it’s me again. You know, your jailer? It’s such a nice day isn’t it? Too bad you can’t move. I’m really sorry about that, but not sorry enough to do anything about it because I can’t think about anything but my stupid ponies. Bye~e!’ ” I end my mocking voice. “Don’t you get that that’s what he might have heard when you talk about wanting to help someone and then do nothing at all? Heck, do you even think about others’ thoughts, or just assume that they’ll like you because you’re a damn princess?” “I- no... yes? I mean...” she sighs heavily again, eyes closed. “I know ponies do. Not all of them, but the majority. Those that don’t tend to hate me. There’s no living, thinking thing that doesn’t care one way or another about me.” she says. “Right, because the world revolves around you just because you move the sun around.” I scoff. “Frankly, I think I should release Discord and just leave. We’d both certainly be better off without you and your bullshit.” “What brings this change, Anthony?” she asks, looking at me with confusion barely visible on her carefully schooled features. “What change? I’ve always taken Discord’s side over yours, he deserves it after all.” I reply, breaking eye contact with the nearly featureless face of Celestia and returning my gaze to Discord, very clearly displaying his emotions even while frozen. “You’re not being held prisoner by some stupid horse.” “You were very different at the spa...” She clarifies, finally making sense of her statement. “Just because I pity you doesn’t mean I like you. I meant what I said earlier, but I also meant what I said before that. That’s a huge leg up on you.” She shakes her head and sighs, but doesn’t say anything for several seconds. Eventually, she speaks up again, “Can I trust you won’t do anything reckless in regards to Discord, Anthony?” she asks. “Considering that when reckless acts started occurring I immediately went and got help, going as far as to aid in the stopping of the reckless behaviour... the only appropriate answer that I can think of is ‘What kind of question is that?’ But something tells me you won’t trust me anyways if you have to ask.” “Evidently, a rhetorical one.” she says, and begins to walk away. I can’t put my finger on it, but she looks different than she did earlier in the conversation. I bid Celestia farewell and go over to meet the rest of my group. Shining Armor is saying goodbye to his wife and sister. I go over to Twilight. “Did he tell you about the time I beat him in a one-on-one match?” I smirk, folding my arms. Twilight laughs, and shakes her head. “He’s only really a good barrier mage, he’s not too good if you can get around him. I used to have so much fun once I learned to teleport.” She chuckles. I look over, and see Shining get glomped by his wife and given a large amount of Public Affection, to a point that the guards and I are looking pretty much anywhere but at the two of them. Man that is quite the kiss. I think my cheeks are on fire from looking at it. “So, are we going, or do I need to get a crowbar?” Cadence finally lets Shining go, and he falls bonelessly to the floor, a look of utter, happy stupefaction on his face. It also looks like he’s barely breathing, and Cadence sure looks winded. She smiles and looks around. “Alright, yeah, I’m ready to go!” She giggles and bounces into the room containing the Wunderland Lookinglass Gate. I’m expecting, from the measurements given in the textbook Twilight was quoting about them, that the Gate would only be about four feet tall. A sheet of shimmering, rippling quicksilver is attached to the far wall of the room, surrounded by a frame of simple copper, the frame shrouded in verdigris. As I step in, a sheathed blade is slapped to my chest, and I grab it on reflex. I look down, and see a handle of steel, inset with ivory whorls, swirls, and filigree shapes of varying kinds. The sheath is barely as long as my forearm, but looks to be about the right size to strap to my leg. Some kind of short machete? “Uh, this is a... soup spoon?” I have no idea, so I figure I should give a weird reaction. The guard who gave it to me, built like a house and covered in muscles and scars, glares at me. “It’s a Vorpal Blade. That’s an eighty-thousand Bit investment, so don’t lose it. Also, don’t draw it unless you’re attackin’ something, or it’ll go after you.” “Fine, fine. So I take it you’ll be joining us with the rest of the redshirts?” “Redshirts? I’m an armorer. Now git, you’re stalling the line.” I turn, and see that the guards behind me are patiently waiting for me to move. “Oh very well then. Alright everybody, walk this way!” I say, taking large, over dramatized steps, and moving my arms about. I turn back to them as I keep going. “Get it, because I said walk this way, as in walk like thi-” Suddenly I’m through the portal. A feeling like falling, but up and sideways at once, with a strange feeling like being on a corkscrew rollercoaster, but in reverse, fills me. Stretching and pulling sensations seem to grab my limbs, threatening to tear my arms out of their sockets. All at once, I’m not falling, turning, or anything, merely standing in a large clearing in a fairly normal-looking jungle, a wooden palisade surrounding ti and buildings set up in all directions. I feel the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest person and yell about how awesome that ride was. It just so happened that the nearest to me was Twilight. After my outburst, she looks a little rattled, but rallies pretty easily. As she recovers, I see that she’s in a full suit of nearly-modern looking combat armor, complete with a salad-bowl shaped helmet over her head, her cutie-mark painted onto the side of the uniform and on her helmet. I sit up and express my joy. “Man, what a rush. I think I almost threw up! Oh man I hope that happens on the way back, too!” Twilight shakes her head. “Well, maybe if y-” She’s cut off by Pinkie flying out of the portal behind us at a fair clip, shouting ‘Whee!’ and cannon-balling into me and Twilight. I look up at her, and see she’s nestled quite snugly over me and Twilight, and is hugging us both while we’re here. “See, that’s the kind of thing I’d expect from most people after a ride like that! Where’s Cadence?” “She’s getting her body armor on! Isn’t this stuff awesomazing?” Pinkie hops into the air, landing in a heroic pose more suited to Dash, in order to show off the armor. She’s got saddlebags on each side, her body has contoured armor plates covering vitals. The least protective armor piece is the helmet, which looks like someone painted a salad bowl in matte camo, put her cutie-mark on it, and slapped it on her head, much like Twilight’s. Pinkie’s flanks had her cutie-marks painted on as well. “Yeah, I suppose. That might even stop a bullet for you. Looks pretty good.” Pinkie pronks in a circle as Twilight sits back up, rubbing her head for a moment. Then, she notices her helmet fell off. Pinkie is currently juggling it, her own helmet, and a few others. “Heh, yeah Pinkie totally comes from Wunderland...” I surmise. “Ooh! I wonder if mister Tuffles is still around! He’s such a good bird.” Pinkie smiles wistfully, then looks thunderstruck. “Omigosh, I gotta go say hi to my Granny Pie! Anthony, you wanna come with?” I’m about to say yes as Cadence comes through the portal, stumbling and walking sideways for a second. Her eyes spin in their sockets, but her armor is easily a decade or six better than Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and has her cutie-mark on the chestplate. She’s also got holes for her wings, and I can see metal covers on the front of the leading primaries, covered in the swirling designs that adorn my own Vorpal Blade. Her wings flutter to balance herself. “Well I guess we should wait for the guards... nah. You two just tell them where we went. Come on Pinkie, lead the way!” Pinkie giggles, and begins to pronk along. In spite of the slow, bouncy movement, she seems to cover more than twice the distance she travels. She’s heading towards one of the wooden buildings in the established camp. Somehow, she’s going at least twice as fast as me. “You think you’re fast?” I Spark up and rush forward. Or, at least, I try. Moments later, I find myself at the Lookinglass Gate instead, the complete opposite direction of Pinkie. What the- ? Oh, right. Wunderland, the biggest middle finger to physics in history. I turn back to where I wanted to go, and I follow the same path, this time walking at a normal pace. In refreshingly little time, I’m in front of a small, wooden cabin near the palisade gate, next to Pinkie. She smiles broadly, and knocks on the door three times. “Who’s there?” a voice says from within the cabin. “It’s-a me! Pinkie!” She flounces the word. I’m not sure how, but it happens. “I ask again, who goes there?” the voice calls out. I’m feeling a little funny in the head, and I give a reply. “It’s the Spanish Inquisition, you probably weren’t expecting us!” Pinkie turns to me, and I can feel the confused look from whoever the voice belonged to. “Wh- what? That’s not how it goes!” the voice called, sounding both confused and angry. “Sorry, didn’t know if you even knew the joke in the first place. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! There, better?” Several moments of silence pass. “I live in Wunderland, and I can tell you, objectively, that makes no sense, whatsoever.” The door suddenly frowns at me, and I have to quash a sudden urge to flee. “Well pardon me, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who gets my jokes.” The door rolls its knot-eyes at me. “Sure, that’s what all the failed comedians say.” Pinkie face-hoofs beside me. “Yeah, yeah. So do we need to say ‘open sesame’ or what?” The door harrumphs. “Fine, no sense of tradition I see. Your grandmother will be most disappointed, Pinkamena.” The door swings open. “I don’t even know most of the traditions around here outside of Wunderland. Wait, Pinkamena? That’s what Pinkie is short for?” I give Pinkie an odd look. “What kinda name is that?” “Idunno, but everypony in my family has a long first name, a short middle name, and ‘Pie’ for their last name!” Pinkie smiles up at me, and begins to bounce into the small, one-story cabin. I just follow her in, not really knowing what to expect. It’s a cozy, nice place. The whole place has a rustic, simple charm to it, and feels very lived-in. There’s a fireplace, unlit, and a few shelves with books on them. A grandfather clock stands against one wall, a slightly shorter one next to it, and more than a dozen egg timers all over the floor and desk nearby. Pinkie is standing near the middle of the room, where another pony stands, looking about the same age as Pinkie. Except, that’s where the normality ends. The pony hugging Pinkie has her mane tied back, and it’s zig-zagged in blue and green, and a black-and-white checkerboard pattern covers the front half of her coat. Her hindquarters are a riot of colors and shapes, angles and curves making a tough-to-look-at ‘pattern’ of indescribable complexity. “Granny Pie, I presume?” I say, announcing myself, trying to step over and around the various egg timers. The mare looks young but, hey, Wunderland. My guess was as good as any, I figured. The mare chuckles. “Why yes, I am! Most folks guess me to be crosswise older than I seem, and even my cranky grump of a cat thinks I should look older. Contrariwise, I’m no older than I don’t look, but only if you’re looking for how old I’m not.” I’m starting to get into the hang of the whole Wunderland deal, even if it makes the scientist part of my brain want to feed my legs into a woodchipper along with a bag of salt. “So Pinkie mentions you, but doesn’t say much. How’s about I get to know you?” Granny Pie smiles widely and puts a hoof to her chest. “Why, young mister, I do believe we’ve only met! Maybe we should leave that off ‘til the second or third date.” She winks and grins at me. “Hah, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna try anything. This man right here is reserved for humanoids only.” Granny Pie takes two steps towards me, somewhere in that time becoming a fully-fleshed woman, clad in a simple set of clothing matching her previous colors. Her hair is still zig-zagged in blue and green. “Now now, don’t be giving me challenges if you don’t really wanna participate.” She smiles wider, reaching out to boop me on the nose. “Yep, you’re definitely related to Pinkie, even if she doesn’t make as many dirty jokes.” I boop her back. She scoffs. “But honestly, nah, not that interested.” “Hmph, well, I take offense to your calling my jokes ‘dirty’, I keep them washed often and well, and soap behind their ears. I could do no less, after all, they serve me quite well. I am a queen, you know.” “Well, I apologize for my slang, your highness.” I give a little bow, barely missing stepping on a timer. “Is there a particular purpose for all of these?” “They, like my dearest Pinkie here,” Granny Pie begins, shifting back to a pony in the moment I wasn’t paying attention, “Are visiting their grandparents.” She gestures at the two grandf- oh. I should’ve seen that coming... “I see, well I apologize if I crashed this little family reunion.” At this point, I’ve just given up questioning things. Who cares, anyway? Granny Pie grabs me in a bear hug. Well, grabs me in a hug, as an extremely flamboyantly furred bear. “Not at all! And you’re just in time for tea! I have presents for you both, you know. Did you know, Pinkamena’s grandfather was a hat-maker? Oh, that’s what first brought me to him, you know.” She set me down in a chair, a feeling of being railroaded pervading my mind. “Of course, I stayed because he was a unicorn, and chained me to a wall with words.” she sighed theatrically and wistfully. “It’s wonderful, to be understood.” “I agree completely. Though when others don’t understand, it just makes it more fun to confuse them. I wonder if Twilight and Cadence will be joining us.” “I doubt they wouldn’t not choose to stay away or come. There’s no reason to avoid coming to someplace you haven’t been if you’re already there.” I have the sneaking suspicion she’s going in circles on purpose now. “Anyhow, I heard you had gifts for us. Are we allowed to guess what they might be?” “Oh, of course! But be sure not to guess wrong, that’d be most tragic. After all, this is a true banquet! And we’ll have to eat our words later.” Granny Pie shuffles into what I assume is the kitchen humming some tune under her breath. Pinkie turns her head, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen her grin before. “Oh, wow, isn’t my Granny Pie great?” She looks at me, eyes bright and twinkling. “She’s fantastic! In multiple meanings of the word.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane and follow Granny Pie, again avoiding the egg timers. I think for a moment. Would she mean we eat the literal words we spoke, or does she mean we will eat whatever we say? Or both? Hmmm... I step into the kitchen and see that there’s only half of many of the appliances. Sitting on what I think is a wood stove, made of wood, is a cat, silver in color with pale green pinstripes running along its body. It’s completely asleep, but grinning to itself. I decide to choose a word of a dessert that tastes good, but the letters aren’t too blocky. Suddenly, a dessert I haven’t had in ages pops into my head and I guess it before I can think not to, my memory of it so delicious. “Is my gift tiramisu?” Granny Pie turns her owl head over her shoulder, grasping a set of utensils in her wings. “No, but that’s a good guess, if guesses could make their own decisions. I suppose morality doesn’t have much to do with guesses, but it could if he put mind to it.” Wait, is morality the word, or a person? Hell, I’m just gonna say it’s both. “So, Pinkie, you wanna guess what your gift is?” I call out to the main room. “I hope it’s something I want, but don’t have!” she calls back. I can’t help but chuckle. Granny Pie turns around, seamlessly shifting back into a human again, carrying a bowl full of red-orange goop. “Now that is a good idea. I suppose I should put it in for later.” she remarks, opening up the half-an-oven and putting the dish in it, opening a valve from the wooden wood stove to the oven. “Now, if you don’t mind, let’s go back to the main room. I believe your friends have wandered over here.” Granny Pie shifts again, this time into a massive cat of some kind, still striped and zig-zagged, and patterned however. I do as I’m asked and head back to the main room, sitting down next to Pinkie. She leans towards me, being as warm and snuggly as ever. Granny Pie smiles at the action, laughing quietly. “Well, I do wish that was a thing that hadn’t already not happened. There’s too little of too much of what you two almost had to not do.” she pauses, thinking over her own words for a second. “Hmm, that was a weird way to say things!” I couldn’t agree more. Granny Pie tilts her head, looking at the clocks. “Ah, perfect! Right on time they failed to be! Almost an hour past the minute, in fact.” At exactly that moment, I hear a knocking on the door. “Who is it?” Granny Pie asks, grinning widely, as the cat from the kitchen walks into the room, sniffing at Pinkie. “My name is Twilight Sparkle!” Granny Pie nods. “I ask again, who goes there?” She winks at me. “I am Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight’s sounding a bit upset. “Once more I ask, who knocks?” “I am Twilight Sparkle, darnit!” Granny Pie pauses for a moment. “Now just a minute, I thought you said you were just Twilight Sparkle?” “I am!” “That’s entirely up for debate.” I hold back my laughter, Pinkie and Granny Pie doing the same as I hear Twilight growling and snarling outside in frustration. I can also hear Cadence laughing, through the door. Before Twilight can do anything more, the door swings open, and I can see her scowling face sweep the room. She growls again before entering. I walk over and, holding back a laugh, I greet her. “Twilight! What a surprise!” She gives me a look that, if looks could kill, would have vaporized me and the surrounding landscape. She glances around, before her eyes settle on Granny Pie, currently a pony again, though this time looking like a pegasus. Twilight’s eyes go wide, and she clings to me, face in my chest. “Aaah! Anthony, look out, a Boojum!”