//------------------------------// // 23. Help and Healing // Story: Trials of a Royal Guard // by Anzel //------------------------------// Mindful Soul had a new office on the Canterlot Royal Guard campus. A campus that had doubled in size while I was gone. That was, I’d been told, a reaction to being unprepared for the first wave of wounded guards and soldiers coming home. Evidently, they’d suffered heavily from their experiences in Nordanver… just as I was now and did before. The existing programs simply weren’t big enough to handle the volume and extreme nature of the cases they were seeing. The reaction from command had been swift. Research, bits, hiring, and all of that was made a priority. Now the campus was a one-stop location for every aspect of a soldier or guard’s life. There was a medical center, a specialist center, a foalcare building, additional gyms, and any other service you could name beyond the usual. From what I read in one of Orchid’s pamphlets, this was a Minister Sombra initiative: better care for returning ponies. He wanted it built and ready prior to the war’s end and so it was. Now I was in the fancy new specialist building in a fancy new office. As an example, Mindful’s new office was larger than her old one. A lot larger and less intimate. It had a tall ceiling and the therapy space was wide open. There was a ring of eleven pillows in the very center for seating. At the back of the room, she had a desk but, other than that, there was no other furniture. No couch, no bookshelves, nothing! Well, nothing other than the plush pony hotel. I only knew that because it had a sign on top that read such. It was also clearly in Azurite’s scripting. The hotel was a simple set of shelves with ten equally sized cubes. A pony plush or two lived in each one. At the top right was a plush that was the spitting image of Azurite: medium blue coat and a violet and light blue mane. As I peered at it, I realized it even had her cutie mark stitched on! How had she managed to make that happen? “Admiring the plush ponies, Silent? You can pick any one you like to hold if you want.” Me, hold a plush pony? I looked over my shoulder at the mare. She looked the exact same as I remembered: monochrome gray coat with a wildly contrasting yellow and white mane. If all of the cases had taken a toll on her, I certainly couldn’t tell. “How is that you have an Azurite here?” “Ah, you noticed. Well, Azurite has decided that since I help her so much, she wants to help other ponies, too. And this is one of the ways she chose to do it.” So Azurite had her own plush pony. I guess it wasn’t that odd. I had my own miniature in Princess Luna’s collection. I scooped up the mini-Azurite and took her over to one of the pillows. Holding Azurite wasn’t like holding a plush pony. “Welcome home, Silent.” “Thank you.” Mindful levitated her notebook over from the desk and flipped it open. “So, first full day back. What is it like?” “Frightening, overwhelming, exciting, sad…” She nodded. “I see. That is a lot to explore. As a matter of course, I’m going to jump right in here. Are you still worried you’ll be attacked?” “Very much so.” “I want you to know that that is perfectly normal. It is going to take a while for that to level out and, to be honest, the more combat you saw, the longer it might take. You saw a lot of combat, didn’t you?” That was an understatement. I’d pretty much been in the thick of it from day one. “Yes, a lot.” “Alright, well, we’re going to meet daily for a while. The program is typically thirty to sixty days for initial reintegration. In your case, I want to meet daily for the first thirty days. Then I’ll make a judgment on whether or not you’re fit to return to duty. We’ll also continue to meet weekly for the thirty days after that and then monthly for the next few years. “That all depends on your progress, of course. This is just a suggested guideline. You may move faster or slower and that’s okay. I do need to stress this, though: no guard or soldier goes back on duty in any capacity without completing the thirty days. No exceptions.” My ears flicked and I lightly pet the mini-Azurite. She was kind of soothing. Her fake coat was extremely soft. “Seems pretty strict.” “Well, what we’ve learned is that ponies that come back and try to go at it alone are far more likely to have problems than those that follow the program. And since so many of you soldiers and guards are stubborn about help, we make it an order. “And, with all due respect, I think you know perfectly well you can’t go at it alone. You tried that method once and it turned out really poorly. So between that and the extreme bout of violence you were forced to endure, Orchid and I have flagged you for extra scrutiny.” That seemed awfully judgmental. A bit of anger bubbled up in my chest. My hoof idly squeezed the plush. Without warning, it squeaked and I dropped it in surprise. “She squeaks?” “Azurite’s doing. Angry?” “I was before it squeaked.” Mindful took a few notes. “Azurite is very helpful. Do you disagree with anything I said?” I shook my head. “And are you angry I said it or that you don’t disagree?” Why was I angry, exactly? She’d told the truth. I’d made a mess by trying to hide my issues before. It just made me angry, though. “I’m not sure.” She wrote something on her pad. “That’s fine. And are you going to cooperate?” “Of course. I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice.” Mindful’s brow arched. “Stupid is a tough word. Perhaps you mean you learned something the first time?” “Yes, I did.” I settled the mini-Azurite on my forelegs and stared down at it. “We’ve got time left. From your file, I can see that you had a lot happen to you. You have been wounded pretty badly, impacting your ability to fly. Several battles… more than several. Friends wounded and killed. Your grandfather died. There is a pretty wide net here. Where do you think we should start?” “The nightmares.” Mindful’s ears went up. She made some notes. “You’re having nightmares. That is very common. To be honest, if we’re going to deal with the nightmares, we have to understand what is causing them. Can you tell me about them?” “They were different when I was in Nordanver. Mostly just reliving bad experiences. I had one last night that felt different, though. Evil mares dragging me back. Like they wanted me to keep fighting.” The unicorn nodded slowly. “Well, that could simply be a manifestation of guilt for being home while other soldiers are still in Nordanver. It could also be a deep-seeded fear that you believe you’ve become something you don’t want to be. Let’s explore both and see if we can’t get you sleeping better at night.” Could it really be that easy? Doubtful, nothing in therapy ever was. I guess I’d be seeing a lot of Mindful. “Alright… how do I start?” “Just like anypony else. At the beginning. Tell me about when you got to Nordanver.” ☾ Winterspear stood beside me as I did slow, simple wingpushes. I felt silly since I was strapped into some kind of machine that took most of my weight off the wings. It had belts that looped under my belly, chest, and forelegs. It was somewhat humiliating on the whole. Not as humiliating as what Winterspear was wearing, though. My sister was in some kind of Guard exercise uniform. It looked ridiculous: a pair of tight black pants, a t-shirt, and a loose coat that had the Royal Guard emblem on it. What monster would design and issue such a thing? It was hard not to just stare at the abomination. Seriously, why did we need an exercise uniform and, if we did, why that atrocious thing? At some point, I guess I’d stopped moving. Winterspear poked me in the forehead. “Come on, Silent, you need to do more.” “I feel silly. I’m dangling from this contraption. It barely feels like I’m doing anything other than making a spectacle of myself.” Winterspear swatted the side of my head. “Yes, well, little brother, there is no way this wing could handle your weight. So I had to take some off. We start simple and safe. You do wingpushes and I add a little weight each time.” “It isn’t the weight, it’s the… mangled bits and the belts. The wing doesn’t work like it used to. So what good are wingpushes?” That earned me a thump on the forehead. When had Winterspear become so abusive? Was this regulation? Her tone switched from casual and familiar to a military cadence. “Listen up, Major. I’m a professional. I’ve trained almost nonstop for over a year to be where I am and to do this specifically. “I may not be a doctor or have a doctorate in wing mechanics, but I know my job. So unless you think you know how to fix a wing better than I do, maybe you should shut your pie hole and do as I say… sir!” I glared at her. Was she really bringing rank into this? I outranked her, of course, but she was the warrant officer in charge of my recovery. That meant this was her command, so to speak. “You could be nicer about it,” I replied before starting to do wingpushes again. She shook her head. “No, I can’t. I have a lot of patients. Most of them do what I tell them and they’re getting better. The trouble foals get the prickly end until they shape up. Understood?” “Yes, ma’am… but now I’m not going to take you to dinner later.” Winterspear softly laughed and leaned in to rub her cheek against mine. “I want what is best for you. Trust me? I don’t try to tell you how to lead ponies into battle. Don’t tell me how to rehab wings, okay?” “Okay… but still no dinner.” “That’s okay. Dot has a PTA meeting and Iridescence is on shift. So I’ve got that.” Ah… life happening again. “So… uh. How is all of that working?” Winterspear’s head tilted. “What? My marriage?” Her marriage. She was married. She’d married my old partner while I was gone. This felt awkward. This was awkward. It wasn’t just the straps under my belly and around my forelegs, either. No, it was the fact that I’d missed so much. Perhaps it wouldn’t be too odd to ask a little bit. “Yes? I don’t know what to say. I just… I want to be part of your life again but I missed a lot. Is there a report or something I can read?” My sister softly stroked my mane and and giggled. “No. We don’t do those for our civilian lives.” She then settled in front of me. “Keep doing your wingpushes like a good colt and I’ll tell you all about it, okay?” “Deal,” I grunted before starting again. Even with the assistance from the machine it was starting to be a struggle to force the busted wing to keep form and hold me. Winterspear’s voice dropped a bit. “After you left, I was pretty heartbroken. I was desperate to go with you but at the same time, it was the last thing I could have ever imagined doing. “The guilt was awful. It was really eating me up inside. So, to be honest, I got a taste of what it must feel like to be you. Still, with you gone I had Mom, Iridescence, and Dot to think about. Crystal, too, really. She showed up pretty soon after you were gone. Somepony had to be here to look after the family.” I stopped and she shook her head. “I don’t mean it like that. I meant one of us needed to go and one of us needed to stay. Just not both staying or going.” Sure. That kind of made sense. I started back up again. “To be honest, it wasn’t long before I truly realized I had Iridescence and Dot on my mind almost all of the time. It wasn’t just you and Mom. No offense there. I just had thoughts about what would happen to Iri if she had to raise Dot alone. You know?” Not really… kind of? I guess. “Sure.” My wing was starting to tremble as I kept going. It was so weak. I’d been keeping it tucked in close for a while. Winterspear shrugged. “I also started clinging to Mom more. She was there for me more than she ever had been in her entire life. She’s a totally different pony now, too, for the record, so good luck with that when she gets here. I guess what I’m getting at is that we just didn’t know what to do. It was a frightening tim—” She squeaked and threw her hooves up. “I mean I know it was for you, too! Okay, this is harder than I thought. Look, I feel guilty that we lived our lives while you were gone… but I also don’t. We couldn’t just sit and wait. We’d all have gone nuts. So, for better or for worse, we just kept moving forwards. It was all we could do. It helped keep our mind off what was happening to you between the letters.” I pushed up again but my wing gave out and I slumped into the belts. As I dangled there, I huffed, “It’s okay. I don’t blame you. I just… I want my life back, too, is all. Maybe I’m jealous. I know that isn’t fair but you have a marriage and a foal now. I’m just glad my wife waited but I missed all of that time.” Winterspear paused her sister persona the moment I stopped. She got up and looked me over with practiced care. She didn’t say a word, she just inspected me. Her hooves touched various spots and carefully moved the joints. “Well, Silent… that isn’t my area of expertise, okay? I am your sister, though, and I love you and, no matter what, I’m here for you. You should talk about this with your therapist. “Let’s get this wing back in the brace and start on your other exercises. You need to lose some weight to give you the best chance to fly normally again. And at any rate, you don’t need to be this heavy anymore.” A nice change of subject. Perhaps that was for the best. “Yeah, okay. So now I’m fat.” “No, you’re just a big fella. We’ll slim you up a bit. And as far as getting your life back, you will. It’s just going to take some effort. We can’t just wedge ourselves back in and try to gloss over two years. If it makes you feel any better, not everything is amazing. I’m having to deal with the fact that Dot is currently colt crazy.” As Winterspear helped me out of the contraption, I shook my head. “With how pretty she is, I imagine you have to chase them off all the time.” “Oh, you have no idea. Although Dot is the one doing the chasing. She’s got that aggressive streak that all of Eminence’s fillies have… which, of course, makes no sense but it is what it is. “All of the colts and some of the fillies want to be her very special somepony and she is sweet but very picky. Which she can be. That filly is going to be a supermodel or something. I don’t know how it happened but for the alleged runt of the litter, she’s going to turn out to be the most beautiful of all. It just eats away at Luminescence and Opalescence, too. Which, to be perfectly honest, makes me smile deep inside.” Luminescence and Opalescence were Iridescence’s older sisters. I didn’t know them well but they were not nice ponies. It was because of their horrible teasing that Dot had come to live with Winterspear and Iridescence. “I bet. Are they still spoiled and lazy?” “You bet. We have family brunch once a month and pretend to like each other. Although we haven’t been in a while because the last time we were there Opalescence smarted off about you being too stupid to know better than to volunteer and Mom punched her right in the nose.” “What?” My lips slowly curled into a grin. I couldn’t help it. “Mom punched Iridescence’s sister?” “Yes, right in the nose. Oh my gosh, it was amazing. I mean horrible… at least that is what we say in front of Dot… but it was amazing. Trust me.” Mom punching somepony in the nose for me? How about that. Winterspear offered me some water which I gladly accepted before asking, “So… what is the situation with Dot, anyway? Iridescence said something about being her mother.” “Oh, yeah, she got guardianship. Iri was tired of having to go to her parents for the big stuff. You know, which academy, which finishing school, which doctor, and all of that stuff. Most ponies didn’t mind stretching the rules a little for us but it was better to make it official. “And… uh… while we’re on that subject, once Iri and I got married, I adopted Dot. So she’s actually my daughter now. Legally speaking. Sorry, that is a bit much, I know. Come on, we need to start your gallop.” She started to trot over to the indoor track that was opposite of the physical therapy area. This one was just for ponies in recovery. I followed after her. “Married and a mother. How about that?” Winterspear started to pick up the pace. “Yup, all grown up, or something like that. Keep up. Are you okay with all of this?” It wasn’t much effort to keep up with her. Other than my wings, I was incredibly fit. It would take a lot of galloping to wear me out. Of course, the question lingered. Was I okay with it all? “I mean… I’m glad you got married. Even to Iridescence. I’m over that. And I think Dot is great. The Dot I knew anyway. It is just the whole world passing me by so quickly. That is a tough pill to swallow. You’ve had this wonderful thing happen and I was stabbing gryphons. It’s no wonder Stratus was such a wreck.” Winterspear stopped cold and almost fell over from the effort. I went on a bit further, slowing down. I stopped to look at her. “What?” “What you just said,” she replied, coming closer. “That I get why Stratus was a wreck?” “Yeah… Silent, there was no excuse for his behavior.” I shrugged. “No? He didn’t have the help I’m getting. What if he was scared, what if he was sad, what if he—” Winterspear put her hoof on my mouth. “You’re not like him and you never will be. Don’t talk like that.” Even with him gone, I guess he still had some power over her. Softly I pushed her hoof aside. “Winterspear, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying at least I see some of the reasons behind the crazy things he did.” Then I started to trot again. There was nothing more to be said. Yes, he wasn’t a nice pony but he never had any help. Maybe he wasn’t all to blame… and maybe he was. I didn’t want everypony blaming me the same way. Some of the things I felt made sense to me. Better not to think about it. Just gallop. Keep galloping. It was a while before my sister got back beside me as I rushed around the track. We didn’t really talk anymore. It would have been too hard given the intensity of the workout but I knew she wanted to be close. Perhaps I’d given her too much to think about. Eventually, we finished the gallop. She’d pushed me longer than I would have normally gone but if I was going to lose some weight I guess that was necessary. We settled together by the water fountain, huffing and puffing. “So, what is next for you today?” Winterspear asked. “Going to go see Runic, then home to my wife. I’ve also got an errand to run but I want her with me.” She looped her hooves around me and buried her nose into my neck. Then she sat up straight and shoved herself away from me. “Shower before you do any of that. See you tomorrow, Major?” “You got it.”