The Dazzlings Are Insane

by Justice3442


The Bourne Compuhackingavagansa!

Adagio Dazzle sat at a small wooden table in the Dazzling breakfast nook and read a magazine labeled ‘Intrusive Celebrity Touch Weekly’ with a sort of detached interest. For the moment, things were quie—

‘GRAB!’

“Hey!” Adagio protested as her magazine was suddenly snatched out of her hands.

‘WACK!’

Soon Adagio was on the receiving end of mild magazine beating.

“OW!”

‘SMACK!’

“Aria! What the hell?!”

Aria suddenly plopped down in the seat across from Adagio. “You just got Bourned!” she declared as she pointed the rolled up magazine at Adagio.

“… Born?!” Adagio said. “What heck are you talking about?!” She narrowed her eyes at Aria. “Did you join some weird magazine cult that performs unwanted baptisms with magazine drubbings?”

“What?! No! Why would you even—”

“Are you on drugs?” Adagio continued. “How do they feel? Can I have some?”

“Adagio! I’m not on drugs!”

“Oh,” Adagio said as she gave Aria a scrutinizing look. “Well, if this isn’t some weird cult thing or a mood brought on by a chemical imbalance, then what’s going on? I’d expect this randomness from Sonata, but not from you.”

Aria leaned forward on the table, placing her face inches away from Adagio’s and giving her a serious look. “We need to go to the movies!”

Adagio sighed. “What stupid action movie came out?”

Aria grit her teeth. “Here’s a hint!”

‘CUFF!’

“OW!” Adagio exclaimed as she rubbed her cheek which had just been hit with the magazine again. “Seriously stop being weird and just tell me!”

“There’s a new Bourne movie out! So we have to go to the movies!”

Adagio glanced upwards as if she was searching her memory for something and mouthed the word ‘Bourne’ to herself over and over again.

Aria let out a frustrated growl. “You know! The super spy who gets beats up people left and right and has awesome car chases!”

Adagio stared at Aria blankly for a moment. “That’s pretty much every spy movie, you oblivious mook.”

‘SWAT!’

“Stop that!” Adagio demanded.

Arai pursed her lips and gave Adagio an annoyed look. “I’m trying to jog your memory! Don’t you remember the crazy magazine fight?! Or the explosion caused by gas, a magazine, and a toaster?!”

“No, Aria!” Adagio said in an exasperated tone. “Unlike you, I reserve my memory for important things!” Adagio quickly raised a hand in her face as Aria raised the magazine. Surprisingly, rather than smack Adagio, Aria glanced at the article Adagio was reading.

Aria scrutinized one of the pages for a moment then rolled her eyes. “Sure Dagi, I just bet this article on ‘Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things?? Let's Find Out!’ is chock-full of useful information.”

“Hey! I didn’t ask or particularly want your opinion here,” Adagio protested. “So why don’t you give me that magazine back and go get one of your old GamePros and harass Sonata for a bit?”

“What?! Hell no!” Aria cried. “They don’t even make those anymore! Those magazines are going to be worth big bucks in a few years!”

Adagio sighed. “Yeah, sure…” She shook her head. “Well, this conversation has been pointless and stupid, so I really think you should just find Sonata, and—”//

A look of recollection came over Aria as she snapped a figure. “These were the spy movies where all the shaky cam made you sick to your stomach!”

“Oh…” Adagio uttered as a frown came over her face. She furrowed her brow and looked at Aria. “Wait, why do you care?! I thought the franchise basically went downhill when they made the guy from Arrow the main character.”

‘Smack!’

“DAMNIT, ARIA!”

“Avengers!” Aria corrected. “It was Hawkeye from the Avengers! Arrow is a completely different universe!”

Adagio shook her head. “Whatever, turbo nerd! It’s still the other guy so—”

“No it’s not!” Aria said with a smile. “They brought back Bourne!”

“Oh!” Adagio said, a slight look of interest on her face. “Well that actor is much cuter, and the movie titles make sense again.” Adagio frowned as she felt her stomach do a somersault. “But—”

“YES!” Aria said triumphantly. “I’ll go get Sonata!”

Adagio sighed and shook her head as Aria quickly ran out of the kitchen.

“Oh! Hi Aria!” Sonata’s bubbly voice sounded out from elsewhere in the house. “Hey! Do you want to play with me?! See, Queen Horsey Time is getting married to Optimus Prime, but Megatron is angry because he didn’t get an invitation, so he hired Boba Fett and Dengar to…”

“IT’S BOURNE TIME, BITCH!”

‘THUD!’

“OW!” Sonata cried. “Stop it! The secret agents don’t show up until act three!”

Adagio let out an even heavier sigh and threw herself back in her chair, slouching as she let the air slowly drain from her lungs.

-o~Soonish~o~

Adagio, Aria, and Sonata sat in a dim theater as a slew of tense dialogue sounded out from around them and bags of popcorn sat in their laps next to large cups of soda and bags of candy.

Adagio stared forward with an irritated look while Aria wore an almost manic smile. Sonata smiled with a look that suggested she was just happy to be there as she munched on the junk food around her.

Aria let out a sound of giddy excitement. “This is going to be so coo—”

“Use SQL to corrupt the Database!”

Aria’s smile immediately began to tread water the seas of deep concern. “What…? SQL is just the language you use to talk to databases… I mean… if you had access, you could just update the database with nonsense or drop it or—“

Adagio turned her head slightly towards Aria. “Problem?” she asked.

Aria shook her head. “I’m sure it’s just a slight misfire… Nothing to be worried about…” Aria scrunched her lips slightly. “I hope…”

“When are they going to show Bourne!?” Sonata moaned.

-ooo-

“Why do they have a GUI to show they’re being hacked?!” Aria exclaimed.

Adagio raised an eyebrow. “Well… It’s the CIA. I’m sure they have all kinds of—”

Aria turned to sneer at Adagio. “That’s not even a thing that exists!”

“… I’m pretty certain the CIA exists, Aria.”

“NO! Not that. The GUI!”

Sonata stared at the screen in confusion. “Nothing looks gooey to me…”

-ooo-

“I hacked their CCTV…”

Aria grit her teeth. “CCTV stands for CLOSED CIRCUIT TV!” she shouted at the screen. Her full popcorn bag was now mostly a thing of the past, its contents now scattered all over the ground in front of her, herself, and Adagio’s hair. Sonata occasionally leaned over to snag an errant kernel that rested on Aria, Sonata’s own popcorn bag quite empty. Adagio sat hunched over in her seat, her eyes only occasionally glancing up at the screen or Aria.

“Aria, can you keep it down?” Adagio asked. “You yelling is not helping my stomach here!”

“None of these things work this way!” Aria exclaimed as she threw herself back in her seat and threw her hands up in the air.

Adagio doubled over and placed a fist in front of her mouth as her cheeks puffed out.

“Don’t worry Aria!” Sonata said as she leaned over Aria, picked some popcorn out of Adagio’s hair and popped it into her mouth. “I’m sure Bourne will be back soon to fight the bad guys!”

Aria dropped her practically empty popcorn bag which Sonata quickly snagged and began feasting from. Aria then brought her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and began rocking back and forth. “Ye-yes…” Aria uttered. “Bourne will show up with a rack of magazines and beat up all the people who don’t know how computers work and everything will be fine.”

“There you go!” Sonata said with a smile. She looked at the screen and frowned slightly. “Shame about Agent K, though… Hey! Maybe Bourne is actually an alien!”

Adagio and looked up with a ponderous expression on her face as did Aria. This was soon followed by a groan from both of them.

-ooo-

“There’s a phone in the room! I can hack the computer!”

Aria let out a short, tortured cry as she stared at the landline onscreen before she buried her face in her hand and began to sob uncontrollably.

Adagio glanced up from her fetal position. “Wow… She’s really crying… I haven’t seen her this upset since Die Another Day…”

“Oh no!” Sonata exclaimed bringing her hands up to her cheeks. “We have phones! Does that mean all our computers can be hacked?!”

Adagio tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe Aria can install more firewalls… Like… At least 10… We probably need more proxies, too…” Adagio glanced up at Aria. “Hey Aria, how many firewalls and proxies on our phones would make them safe?”

“WHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAA!”

“Okay, I’ll get back to you on that…”

Sonata suddenly pointed excitedly at the screen. “Oh look! More fighting!”

Adagio looked up for a moment before lurching forward slightly with muffled upchuck. She quickly stood up and ran out of the theater.

-ooo-

Aria walked out of the movie theater with a thousand-yard stare on her face. Her eyes were puffy, red, and veiny as she staggered with each step, her arms swaying from side to side.

Behind her Adagio leaned against Sonata with a tinge of green added to her orange features. Sonata looked down at the sickly-looking Dazzling she was supporting, then up at Aria with equal looks of concern.

“… I want to die…” Aria uttered.

“I MIGHT die…” Adagio countered.

Sonata spoke up. “Well… I liked that super SWAT car and all the smashing…”

“UGH!” Aria shouted. “That’s IT! I’m going to take a page from Bourne’s book and live off the grid!”

Adagio looked up and woozily fixed the back of Aria with a stare. “You know that means no internet, right? I mean… If you’re committed to this idea, that’s fine, but let me know so I can sell all your game accounts and stuff… Now those are worth big bucks!”

Aria grit her teeth and cringed. “That’s IT!” She said throwing up her hands. “I’m going to drink a bunch then cry up in my room for a really long time!”

Sonata’s face lit up. “Oh! Can I lick your face while you do that?! Your tears are so yummy and delicious!”

Adagio grinned. “You don’t mind if I film this and put it online, right? I mean that whole scene is bound to get hundreds of thousands or even MILLIONS of hits on MeTube!”
Aria’s shoulders slumped. “My life is empty…” she uttered in a defeated tone.

Adagio and Sonata exchanged grins. “That wasn’t a nooooooo~!” they sang out.