I’m sorry. If you could just give us a minute to compose myself.
It is difficult for me to share what came next. There was an argument—an altercation over a secret given that was never asked for—and ve still find it difficult to share despite the dangers of doing so being long past.
You see, the difficulty with the delicate art of secret keeping does not lie in the actual act of keeping the secret. Our natural inclination to speak in half and quarter truths means changelings are quite skilled at telling secrets without anypony being the wiser.
Rather, the challenge lies in the reveal.
Secrets are meant to be shared after all, but judging the when and the where and to whom the secret must be told in full is a daunting affair, and ve still wonder if ve made the right choices with the secret Discord thrust on us that day.
At the edge of the forest, where the Everfree met Whitetail Wood, Discord turned so fast I almost lost him, wandering in our musings as ve were. Forcing my wings to remain in their sheath, I sprang after him, but he snaked through the foliage faster than I could follow. Soon all ve had was a vague trail of the echoes of chocolate milk and the scent of laughter to follow. Throwing decorum to the wind, I frantically buzzed ahead—disguises be damned.
A saner individual would have turned around without bothering to chase the draconequus at all. Ve were certainly tempted to, but that led the risk of irritating the neigh omnipotent trickster.
Coming to a brief stop to catch our breath, I forced myself to take a more sedate pace as I followed him. Lush earth filled my fetlock cavities as I pushed through the brush. Unlike the warm ticklish sand of the Badlands, the earth here had a pleasant if sticky coolness, and I let that distract us from our worries over the draconequus.
Despite the pace, however, ve made decent time. Discord clearly wanted to be followed given the random assortment of muddy tracks filled with fresh chocolate milk ve found.
Finally, ve came to a cliffside split by a narrow cave. The last of the tracks led inside, and it was with some confusion ve followed them in. Butterflies didn’t particularly care for caves the last time ve checked.
A few passages later and ve stumbled into a miniature indoor forest.
I stopped and stared at the sight. Sunlight fell through an enormous crevice in the ceiling, where it reflected off a pool of crystal clear rainwater to fill the cavern as a whole. Butterflies of a kind ve had never seen before rested on tree trunks or fluttered gently through the air. Their wings were an icy blue lined with a silver that bent the light so it reached even the trees beyond the edge of the pond.
The floor was carpeted with verdant green leaves. It was far too many for the number of trees around us, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. The air was full of the taste of sugary nectar just waiting to turn into honey. The simple feelings of joy from so many little creatures crushed what anxiety remained from dealing with Discord. Cackling with manic glee I charged into the heart of the cavern.
A single step in caused the floor to erupt as thousands of more butterflies lifted into the air. Their leaf-like wings glistening like they were dotted with morning dew.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Discord’s voice came from everywhere and nowhere as I ran to the edge of the pool. I barely resisted jumping in like a nymph.
“You’ll never see the best part looking like that, though. They save their best trick for very particular company.”
Shoving my head into the pond I drank deep for a second before settling down to relax. Ve couldn’t afford to amble along foolishly about for too long, after all. At least some dignity needed to be maintained. Basking lazily in the sun was acceptable royal behavior, however.
Thrumming in contentment, I asked to the open air, “What kind of company? Twilight gave Fluttershy proxy status. With her permission I could craft a specific disguise.”
I jumped as Discord’s voice crawled out one ear and slithered on a slick breeze right into the other. “I didn’t say that company needed to be a pony, did I?”
A talon came out of nowhere, pinching my forehead and pulled. A loud tearing noise accompanied my illusions being ripped off like a loose band-aid. Dense earth pony musculature frayed apart only to weave back into the soft tissue normally found in my chitin. Sturdy internal bones snapped and refused as mass redistributed back to the exoskeleton faster than was healthy. Organs squirmed back into place, wriggling like fish being shot in a barrel.
It would have undoubtedly been uncomfortable if I had bothered to pay attention.
Instead, my eyes were glued to the emerald inferno blazing merrily before me. The butterflies were shifting—azure to burgundy to crystal clear and beyond. Large wings. Small wings. Six legs. Eight. Stingers. Photophores. Anomalies of anatomy without names.
Fleeting glimpses of black beetle-like bodies were all I saw of their true forms. Small specks of cotton candy prodded me for a savory bit of honey, and I obliged with some of Castle’s excess. The regurgitated love was gathered and taken to their hives where it would slowly crystallize.
“Bits…” I whispered softly.
“Bits?” It finally started to register.
“Bits?!” There was the appropriate level of panic. “Where on Equis did you get this many bits?! Who else approached you?! What did they want?!”
“Pfft!” Discord blew a raspberry as he popped out of the pond in a mighty splash that somehow missed everything but me. “I already told you they’re property of my Caneighdian marefriend.”
“Don’t give us that!” Ve snorted. “Changelings were using the Caneighdian marefriend trick before Caneighda was even founded.”
“A changeling trick to cover changeling bits, and an inexplicable ability to swear like a changeling sailor? Le gasp!” Discord reared in mock horror. “What if I was a changeling all along?! Oh, think of the scandal it would cause!”
There was a snap, and a burst of emerald flames covered him in poorly fitting chitin. “A scandal, I say! An outrage! Celestia would call off the wedding claiming I only wanted her for her love, and Luna would hunt me down for disgracing the family name! My mother would burst into tears and only blame herself!”
Ve stomped a hoof. “Discord, this isn’t something to joke about!”
Discord’s serpentine body continued to flail and wail in the most spectacular fashion. “Then she’d turn into father to stare at me reproachfully for making mother cry! Before you know it, I’d be alone, unloved, and feared by everypony.”
“Discord!” Ve barked.
In a complete one-eighty—figuratively and literally—Discord bent his neck in an impossible way to look me right in the eyes. Sticking his tongue out he said, “Or maybe it’s just your mom.”
“Will you stop being so—” Our pupils dilated as his words fully registered. Once could be a coincidence, but ve would be a fool to ignore such a barb twice in one day. “By the Azure Veil, please tell us that was another immature joke.”
“Another?” Discord’s grin was predatory. “That assumes the first one was, in fact, a joke. Like I said before, we have tea every Sunday and talk about what Equestria would be like if we were in charge.”
Ve backed away from the draconequus as slowly as ve dared. Our vision began to blur azure as ve began to hyperventilate. “By the Hive, you’re working with her.”
The grin got wider. “Don’t be like that.” And wider. “If that were the case, why bother telling you?” And wider still. “Unless I stand to gain something from it.”
Skin split and shed from the impossibly wide leer. The face underneath smiled charmingly “Or maybe you should learn not to make assumptions. I also told you it’s my job to monitor threats. Why did you think I let you and Chryssi through?”
“Because you’re a mad—” Ve cut off my initial response. He had included myself in the question for a reason. “Because neither of us are truly a threat?”
“Bingo!” Talon and paw clapped together. “Bonus points if you can guess why.”
Ve sighed, shoulders slumping. “Mother is still Mother at the end of the day. She’s willing to do anything—become anything—if it means helping the Hive. If you think she’s not a threat, the most likely reason why is that you’re manipulating her ideas of what is necessary….”
“And that means?” Discord waggled his eyebrows.
Ve shook our head in resignation. “She must trust you enough to tell you her plans, which implies you never told the princesses you met. Any foreknowledge on their end would cause them to instinctively act in a way that would alert Mother and break her trust in you, and that trust was most likely tested by acting as immorally as possible to see what you’d do. That, in turn, means any and all of her actions since meeting you may have been a ruse to get a rise from you, so I can’t really evaluate Twilight’s meeting with her fairly anymore.”
Ve left unsaid what Third Eye told us, but it was just as suspect. Gritting our teeth, ve continued. “And if the princesses don’t know, then I can’t tell anypony either. Doing so results in the same violation of trust, which will probably result in her becoming an actual threat.”
“Good boy.” Discord patted my head.
“Why bother telling us in the first place then?!” I snapped at him. “Ve didn’t need to know. This only complicates things on our end.”
“Isn’t that reason enough?” He gave a Cheshire grin.
Ve opened our mouth to retort but paused as he continued. “Besides, mumsy dearest asked me to show you this.” He gestured to the bits flying around. They had settled somewhat—no longer constantly shifting—but I caught little sparks of fire here and there.
He arched an eyebrow. “You didn’t think world domination was the only thing we talked about over tea, did you? She’s quite fond of her bit garden here. Goes on and on about how an itty-bitty maggot used to bumble about like an idiot at a similar one back at the hive.
I blushed a remarkably vibrant green.
“Oh, yes, she was quite insistent I take you here. Wants you to have a place you’re safe to be yourself. ‘He needs someplace to plot and scheme without worrying about idiotic friendships,’ were her exact words.” He idly twirled his goatee. “Personally, I prefer Fluttershy’s, but to each their own. I know I couldn’t feel safe here if I had a rainbow constantly sticking its nose up my butt.”
“Oh, horseapples,” swore the skylight.
There was a whooshing noise towards town.
Ve blinked. “How did ve not notice— Where you hiding Rainbow from us while casually talking about a crime punishable by weaponized friendship?! What the hay is wrong with you?!”
“Everything!” Discord cheered. “I wouldn’t worry about catching up. She’ll probably stick around to give you a chance to explain.”
There was a raspy scream of frustration from above. “Motherbucking cotton candy clouds!”
“See! Go on then!” Discord waved dismissively. “I’ll take care of feeding the ‘butterflies’ and meet you back at Fluttershy’s after your talk with the wonder dolt.” He chuckled. “I promise she’s feeling extra talkative right now.”
The string of expletives from above agreed.
“I swear if you messed up my chance at fixing things…” Grumbling, I took off with a furious buzz.
“Just think of it as a test of loyalty!” Discord called from below.
Thrumming deeply, ve cleared the room and shook our head. “A test of whose loyalty, though….”
Ve had to give Rainbow credit. She’d apparently made it to the edge of the cliff before Discord caught her. Considering all he needed to do was snap a talon, it was rather impressive. Good thing she wasn’t faster or she’d have fallen off the cliff rather than onto it. At that kind of speed she’d easily break bones if not worse.
I couldn’t help chuckling as I landed nearby. Between the mixture of cyan and pink, she was looking like an extremely agitated cotton candy sheep. Viciously trying to chew through her sugary restraints, she ended up biting herself more often than not.
“There’s no need to go gnawing your leg off like a trapped coyote, Rainbow. Let’s just slow down for a second and talk.”
With a snort, the grounded Pegasus turned on me, lowering her head combatively. “Ha! As if some cotton candy stands a chance at slowing down the fastest flyer in Equestria!” A wave of bitterness crashed over me, and there was an overwhelming urge to scratch every inch of my body as if I’d been swimming in poison oak. “Come on, and give me your best shot!”
“Really?” Ve tsked. “You need to stop that. Calm down and we can—”
Her charge was moderately predictable. Her land speed was not. I barely managed to dodge the first tackle, and was completely blindsided by the second—partly from the sheer agility of Rainbow, and partly from the sheer cliffside anypony would be idiotic to charge towards.
“Pony feathers!” Rainbow swore as we both went over.
My own string of expletives was much longer, a veritable mental algorithm of obscenities far too rude for me to ever say out loud. I would have died of shame from some of them if it weren’t for the fact that I was busy trying to save us both.
Ve managed to not instinctually open our wings immediately, allowing us to grab hold of the plummeting prismatic pegasus beside us. All the impertinent details of our surroundings were blocked out as ve began to assess the situation. A quick estimation told us there wasn’t enough time to prevent a painful transfer of energy with the ground, and leveling off would only result in a similarly painful transfer with a tree. Exact chances of injury and lethality were subject to large margins of error, which didn’t inspire any confidence. Thus, ve took the only logical route to preventing any and all crashing by flying straight down.
This served two completely different purposes.
The first was gaining additional momentum. More momentum and a clever use of portal magic meant a taller arc being projected back upwards, which in turn would let us have a do-over with more time.
The second was to ensure the crash landing ve were averting would hypothetically be lethal enough to merit full access to our magic. It would be quite embarrassing to die from something as silly as playing the hero over a fall that had a one in twenty chance of resulting in nothing but a bruised body and ego.
Of course, our perfectly logical decision flew in the face of everything most pegasus flyers knew of flying. Headbutting us in a desperate attempt not to become a pony pancake was only natural. Having learned the hard way how capable Rainbow was at administering head injuries, however, ve were able to avert complete disaster via rearranging the density of our chitin.
With a grim countenance as hard as steel, ve plummeted through the ring of fire into the abyss between worlds – only to launch back upwards out of the other portal five feet to the left. At the peak of our new height, the string of obscenities Rainbow had been spouting stopped. From our place in the heavens, we both had the perfect view of Equestria.
“This is... nice….” Rainbow ventured.
“One could say that….” I bit my chops.
“Warn me next time you’re gonna pull a stunt like that, alright?” She smiled awkwardly.
“Certainly.” The fall was certainly taking an annoyingly long time to reassert itself.
“Good.” Rainbow nodded. “You almost killed us both with that. I was about to level us off when you started accelerating downwards.” The wings that had been exerting such fine control of the air that ve hadn’t realized she’d been hovering us snapped closed.
“When did you manage to free your—” I began as freefall resumed.
“Intermissions over, flyboy! Round 2 go!” I was interrupted when Rainbow bucked me in a spot most males would cringe over.
The discomfort could humbly be described as a five out of ten. Ve had reviewed significantly more painful memories over the years. This was nothing compared to alicorn-powered love shields and oviparous birth.
There was the expected pain of displaced organs—similar to what comes from being bucked in the stomach. I was at least lucky enough not to be in disguise—and thus currently not subject to a certain risk involved with ponies status as a dioecious species. Most of the discomfort came from the fact that a high-density face meant a low-density everything else. The much softer and pliant chitin down there folded quite easily for her hoof.
Five out of ten was still easily painful enough for one of the more embarrassing forms of Hive regression. To my eternal shame, ve began to emit a severe amount of extremely vulgar cathartic vocalizations, and the string of obscenities ve had been thinking silently until this point became very apparent as we began to plummet for the second time. Several lifetimes worth of very salty sailors passed before our eyes, and our wings buzzed erratically in an attempt to adapt to the unforeseen complication.
“This. Is. So. Awesome!” Rainbow Dash for her part was far past any sour feelings of fear and was whooping with glee. Having achieved what ve can only assume was an adrenaline high, her emotions had the fizzling burn of pop rocks turned up past eleven all the way to twelve.
It was only as we neared the ground it occurred to us ve no longer needed to fly for two ponies. Pushing away from Rainbow, ve just managed to clip the ground and avoid a full collision. I rose somewhat shakily only to fall back down.
“Flea-bitten nymph of a widow spider! What do I have to do to get through to you?! I’m not some mindless feral! Hit me for trying to help again, and I’ll do more than let you fall! They’ll find you strung in my web babbling pathetically for more. My brood shall stalk your family line for generations to come, and leave a trail of broken hearts! Equis shall know the true dishonor of— Why are you laughing?!”
Rainbow had looped around elegantly once released, landing with the practiced ease of one whose life consisted mostly of controlled falling. “You sound like a chipmunk!” She was currently on the ground rolling with much less grace in mirth, naively swearing vengeance on her enemies in horribly butchered Chitri.
Rising much more fluidly than I did, she held out a hoof. After helping me up, I was pinned—gently—to a nearby tree. “That was probably the third most awesome thing I’ve done this week, so you get thirty whole seconds to explain what I saw.”
“A slow week, I see,” I deadpanned.
“I know, right?” She responded not missing a beat.
Snorting briefly in amusement, ve began to thrum in thought.
“Twenty seconds left to talk, flyboy.” The hint of spice in the air was delicious. Ponies were crazy to think pepper-dusted cotton candy would taste horrible.
“Ten seconds left! Don’t leave me hanging.” Her grip tightened. It was tempting, given what I’d had to put up with, but there wasn’t any real benefit in doing so.
“Five…”
“Four…”
“Three…”
“Two and a half…”
Ve shattered her delusional little mask. “Hypothetical situation: If everypony but you only pretended to accept Luna—rather than actually forgiving her—would you feel obliged to tell her the truth?”
“I— What?” It seemed I’d struck a nerve. Fine wine, sour milk, and the many other nuances that came from being asked a question with no good answer filled the air.
Ve pressed on. “If you had to choose between telling Luna that everypony but you and Celestia hated her for becoming Nightmare Moon, would you tell her?”
Rainbow shoved her muzzle in my face. “What kind of question is that?! It’s not like any pony feels that way.”
“Luna’s first Nightmare Night begs to differ.” I shook my head. “But an obsolete past doesn’t matter here. Hypothetically, if everypony secretly hated or feared Luna, would it be better to tell her so she could fix her image? Or would it be better to let her be happy in ignorance?”
“...It’d be better to tell her the truth?” Rainbow hesitated.
Ve tilted our head. “And what if you knew there was a chance telling her would bring back Nightmare Moon?”
“Luna would never do that to us.” Rainbow snarled.
“She did it once before, and can do it once again no matter how small the chance is.” I sighed. “I don’t seem to be getting through, though, so let me try it this way. Mother would do anything for the Hive, even end millennia worth of secrecy in a desperate attempt to secure food.” I gestured to myself. “I would do anything for the Hive, including signing my own potential death warrant to secure aforementioned food.” I pointed to her. “You would do anything for your friends, including assaulting a diplomat who is here in peace.”
I rolled my eyes. “All of us are loyal to the point of stupidity. So what are we supposed to do when faced with conflicting loyalties? How do I choose between the friends I’m trying to make, the Hive ve’re sworn to rule, and my family – evil as Mother may be?” It wasn’t a question she could answer.
“I don’t—” Rainbow let out a whinny. “What does that even—“
Ve cut her off, using our size to loom over her temporarily. “You don’t know?” Ve shook our head—shifting such that I almost seemed to deflate down to a normal height as I sighed. “Well, I don’t know either, but at least I’m trying. That’s all anypony can do, and I’m pretty sure you know that already. Is that a good enough reason for you?”
“Sorry…” Rainbow released me, shoulders slumping. “...for everything.”
I took a breath, and ve schooled our emotions. “It’s okay. When the others ask why we stumbled out of the forest black and blue all over, we’ll just laugh it off and say we’re cool.” I forced a chuckle as I continued. “If they want to press things, we can give them vivid details with so many dubious double meanings that they’ll beg us to stop.”
A wing wrapped in several layers of dirt and sugar thwacked the back of my head and promptly stuck to it. “I have a marefriend, flyboy. None of that unless she’s in on it.”
“Exactly.” Ve nodded. “Maybe make it more suggestive. It’ll be so off-putting they won’t want to know the truth. Ve’ll even shift into Applejack if you think it’ll help.”
The other wing followed.
I tsked. “Perhaps it would be prudent to clean first. Ve don’t want to make such a big scene that they actually think we did anything. Walking out like some beast with two backs might cross that line.”
“Sonic Swan Dive!” Rainbow screamed with the opposite of grace as she flew straight into the lake with nary a ripple. As she climbed out of the depths, she shook herself dry, taking extra care to soak me in the process.
Glaring at her display, ve rolled our eyes. “Why did you headbutt me for flying straight at the ground when you’re perfectly willing to plow headfirst into it at supersonic speeds all on your lonesome?”
“You aren’t the best flyer in all of Equestria.” She stuck her tongue out at me as she settled down to sunbathe on a rock. “Besides, we were in the middle of a scrape. I had to take what shots I could.”
“Is that why you pulled that cheap shot to the groin?” I arched an eye as I settled in the lake to soak rather than simply clean. Only the tip of my head remained above. A small heat spell gave the water around me just enough warmth to seep all the way into my chitin.
She snorted, rolling over to warm her other side. “It can’t be fighting dirty if you’re not packing heat. I read Twilight’s notes to find all your weak points. That shouldn’t have hurt in the slightest.”
I tried to stomp a hoof and merely caused a splash. “Then why bother?”
“Well, I had to hit you somewhere for that stunt you pulled.” She smirked.
A quick shift in my respiratory system gave me gills so I might sink even lower.
Her smirk morphed into a frown. “It didn’t hurt, right? You’re one of those lord things. You’re supposed to be tough to hurt.”
Blowing some bubbles, I briefly rose back up. “It didn’t hurt as much as it could have, ve suppose. Ve had no idea you had no intent to harm at that point, though. Perhaps you should come up with a safe word—or rather the opposite of one. It’d be nice to have a warning if you keep planning to jump me.”
Rainbow rolled upright again, stretching her wings. “Only if Applejack says yes.”
Surfacing again, I cocked my head. “We are still talking about sparring, right?”
“You started it, fly boy.” She flared her wings. “Now get over here and help me preen.”
I swam farther into the lake. “Yeah, no. I’m not that kind of changeling.”
“Urgh… what are you my grandma?” She rolled her eyes. “Get with the times, Mo. It’s perfectly proper to platonically preen pegasai ponies.”
“Rarity fed you that line didn’t she.” It was a statement, and ve idly wondered whether or not it was wise to let Rainbow in on the prank.
Rainbow cocked her head. “Well, yeah, how’d you know? She walked in on me and Fluttershy once and I totally freaked. You can guess why I thought she would get the wrong idea, but she was totally cool with it.”
She shrugged. “Kind of a relief. I like preening, and I’m really good at it. Now I preen almost every pegasus in town at least once a month.” She smirked again. “They even fight over who I get to preen next. I’m just that awesome at it.”
Slowly trailing her tongue down a primary, it took on an oily sheen. A quick nip and pull straightened the feather. Peeking up from her work, she grunted. “So, you helping or what? I’m totally not going to be able to get the last of the cotton candy on my own. That stuff gets everywhere.” Another nip and a slow arching pull left a wet and sticky string of sugar trailing from her muzzle.
Shuddering, I reversed the heat spell on the water around me. I might not technically have been a stallion currently, but there was a comfort to be had in following social protocol and distracting myself from the incredibly improper display before me. Taking a deep breath, ve decided something had to be done
“Yeah… about that…”
As it turns out, there is actually such a thing as platonic preening. It’s simply a matter of presentation, something Rainbow was quite thorough in educating us on. Equestria’s remarkably progressive like that—barring some of the older cloud cities like Cloudsdale. It was apparently something the harvesters hadn’t been very keen on mentioning in their reports. Upsetting but understandable, given how some of the more old-fashioned lords in the Hive reacted to the news that I personally preened Rainbow Dash.
As for the rest of the day, it was nice and quiet. Rainbow headed back to Fluttershy’s with me, nopony pressed exactly what went on between us, and Rainbow even showed some tact by not immediately blurting what she’d overheard about Discord and Mother.
All in all, it worked out rather well.
