//------------------------------// // All These Kickers Are Crazy // Story: The New Life of a Winning Pony // by Chengar Qordath //------------------------------// Since I wasn’t quite ready to face Blossom and Eepy again, I decided to close out some other bits of unfinished business first. Namely, giving my cousins the big news. Fortunately, finding them wouldn’t be difficult. After all, Twilight was still getting her new crystal tree palace set up, and it was a pretty safe bet that Storm would be right there by her side. Especially since Storm was going to be moving in with her. Or at least, I assumed she would. After all, she’d bunked with her in the treehouse, and the palace had a lot more extra room. Unfortunately, when I rounded a corner in the maze-like corridors of Twilight’s castle, I came to an abrupt halt as I found myself face-to-face with my dad’s ... girlfriend. Yeah, just thinking those words still felt weird. She likewise hesitated before me, her weight shifting from one hoof to another. Can’t say I blame her; what do you even say in this kind of situation? I probably could’ve handled the news about her and Dad a bit better, but all thing considered I thought I was doing pretty good just by not screaming my head off. Dad dating anyone was just weird, and it being a younger mare... Still, it’s not like she did anything wrong, technically speaking. And I had promised Dad that I would at least try to get along with her. “Hey.” Keyword: Try. “Hi,” she answered, before blinking and changing it to, “Er, hey. Hello?” Well, that was a promising start. “Hey,” I said again. Might as well stay inside my comfort zone. Her ears drooped, and her hoof rubbed her other elbow. Maybe she’d been hoping that I’d come up with something to say. Too bad there wasn’t anything I wanted to talk to her about. Not like I wanted an update on her relationship with my dad, and the only other thing we had in common was going to school together. Which just made the fact that she was dating my dad worse. Once it was clear I wasn’t going to be doing anything, she made a valiant effort to start a conversation. “Um, how’re...” “Good,” I murmured. “You?” “Also good,” she answered with a painfully forced smile. “Cool.” Neither of us said anything for a while, unless you count Twinkleshine coughing. It could’ve been an attempt at some form of communication. Desperate to escape, I pointed down the corridor. “Um, I should...” “Oh.” She honestly looked a bit relieved. “Okay.” She pointed in the opposite direction. “Um, I’ve also...” “Gotcha.” I took a few steps. “So ... yeah.” “Yeah...” she agreed. We parted ways. “Glad that wasn’t awkward or anything,” I murmured to myself once she was safely out of earshot. Thankfully, I didn’t run into any other problems before the search of the palace turned up Storm and Twilight, hard at work in one of the bedrooms. Alas, their work was hardly scandalous or something I could have some fun with. Judging by the armor stand Storm was setting up in the corner and the opera records Twilight was busy alphabetizing, I was willing to bet they were setting up Storm’s new bedroom. I trotted on in, waving. “Hey, you two. Good news, Twilight: I'm gonna tell Storm.” Twilight turned to me with a strained smile. “Tell her what? Some form of big news? That would be something to expect. I’m just glad I didn’t get in the family way—I mean, get in the way of family. Silly malapropisms. I must’ve gotten knocked up the head to be doing them so often.” I couldn’t help but stare at Twilight as she stood there, a huge grin on her face and one eye twitching madly. Note to self: never ask Twilight to keep a secret again. Before I could spill the beans, Star nudged me aside to make room in the doorway, trotting in and carrying a bunch of old family photos. “Who’s telling who what now?” She shot a look at Twilight, then sighed. “Does it have something to do with why the Princess keeps acting weird?” “The last few days have been rather stressful for Her Highness,” Storm answered primly. “It is entirely understandable that she would be a touch ... out of sorts.” Star shot her sister a flat look. “She keeps getting a crazy look in her eyes and working pregnancy metaphors into every sentence. That’s not normal.” Her eyes widened slightly and she looked between Storm and Twilight. “Wait, don’t tell me you two...” “No,” I cut in before Star could start teasing Storm. While I normally wouldn’t have minded sitting back and watching the fireworks, I did want to get my big news out there. “It's...” I took a deep breath. Well, now or never. Here goes. “I'm pregnant. I asked Twi to let me give you the—” “You’re pregnant?!” The rest of my sentence vanished in a high-pitched squeal from Star. “You’re gonna have a baby! I'm gonna be an aunt!” Storm’s traditional Kicker stoicism cracked, and she beamed at me. “You are going to have a foal? That is wonderful news!” “Yeah.” I shuffled in place, running a hoof through my mane. “It's ... yeah.” Storm didn’t waste any time trotting over and hugging me. “Congratulations, Cloud!” Star rushed over to join in on the hugging, glomping onto me with so much enthusiasm that she winced after a second and carefully relaxed her grip. She shot me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, excited. Didn’t wanna hug you too hard and...” Storm’s eyes widened. “Oh Shadow, I sparred with you a week ago! Is the foal okay?! If I had known that you were...” I rolled my eyes at both of them. “Relax, I’m not that far along. I’ll have to pass on any more spars just to be safe, but as long as neither of you decide to change your name to Stomach Kicker, I should be fine.” Storm let out a relieved sigh. “Oh thank goodness.” Star bounced giddily, then glomped onto her sister instead. “We’re gonna be aunts, Storm!” “Yes, we are,” Storm agreed, hugging her sister back. Twilight gently cleared her throat. “Well, technically you wouldn’t be aunts. Cloud is your first cousin, not your sister, so her child would be your first cousin once removed.” Star scoffed and waved a hoof dismissively. “Pfft, details. We're aunts.” Storm shot a faint scowl at her sister for disagreeing with royalty, but thankfully decided to bury the issue. “What is most important is that we are family.” “Darn right we're family.” Star leaned down to take a closer look at my belly. “So ... when are you gonna have the kid? And what’s it gonna be?” “I assume it would be a foal,” I deadpanned. “Unless there’s some very interesting family history I don’t know about.” Storm ignored my lame joke, her ears perking up. “Oooh, I cannot wait to teach the child to use wingblades! Assuming it would be a pegasus, that is.” “Or it could be a unicorn!” Star pointed out. “I mean, I’m living proof there’s plenty of unicorn DNA floating around in the Kicker family tree. And if Cloud’s kid is a unicorn, then I could teach it magic!” Star had a point. Even though Blossom, Eepy and I were all pegasi, the genetics of pony breeds were a bit odd. Especially since Fluttershy had mentioned one of her grandparents was an earth pony, and Blossom ... well, we had no idea what her family background was. There was no guarantee my kid would be born with wings. Meanwhile, the mention of teaching my possible unicorn kid magic had caught the attention of Celestia’s number one student. “I have a lot of books that would be really useful for teaching Cloud’s child if it’s a unicorn. I could even give it my old school books and notes from when I was learning from Celes...” She trailed off, her eager smile fading into a frown. “Oh wait, I don't have those anymore. Right…” I extricated myself from my cousins’ grip and trotted over to Twilight, throwing a wing across her shoulders. “You'll get new books, I'm sure. And maybe Celestia kept copies of your old study notes and stuff.” “Maybe,” Twilight agreed halfheartedly. “Plus Storm can help you restock,” Star chimed in. Storm nodded along. “I have been helping Her Highness write up a list of books she wants to order from Canterlot. The new palace does include a very large library, and it seems a pity to leave it unstocked.” Twilight took a deep breath and seemed to shake off the little funk she’d fallen into, smiling at all of us. “Right, right, I'm working on rebuilding my collection. At least the Ponyville Library didn’t have any irreplaceable books. And I suppose one plus side is that it will be my collection this time, and not just a random assortment of whatever the library has available.” “And it’s your private library rather than a public one,” I added in, just a bit teasingly. “No more sharing books with ponies who will bend the corners and mess up the pages.” “Not to mention losing them, or turning them in late, or forgetting to check them out properly, or spilling coffee on them, or dropping them in a toilet, or...” A scowl had been building on her face as she got into the list of various indignities her books had suffered, but she shook her head and dispelled it. “You know, thinking about it, getting a bunch of new books for my own private collection has its upside.” “Who cares about books?!” Star squealed out, hugging me again. “I'm gonna be an aunt!” Storm joined in on the fun, bouncing up and down and letting out a high-pitched giggle that was quite at odds with her usual stoic soldier-ness. “I think you mean we are going to be aunts!” “Still first cousins once removed,” Twilight grumbled softly. “You would only be aunts if one of you has a foal.” Star rolled her eyes. “Sheesh, princess party pooper, much?” Unsurprisingly, any criticism aimed at her princess made Storm an unhappy pony. She shot a pointed frown at her little sister. “Her Highness is merely being precise. While I am sure Cloud would not object to us being unofficial aunts, we technically are not.” “And I’m not trying to spoil the moment,” Twilight offered in her own defense. “It’s not like precisely defining the nature of your familial relationship diminishes the impact of the fact that Cloud is having a foal.” Star wasn’t about to let a few facts get in the way of a chance to reignite the eternal sibling rivalry. She poked her sister in the side, smirking. “I think you're technically a skunk, so...” Storm scowled and responded in kind. “And technically you are a stalker.” “Technically, I bet I could kick your plot in a spar,” Star snapped back. Storm snorted, one hoof pawing at the floor. “You know I am the better sister in spars. And that is not a technicality.” “Me beating you up isn't gonna be a technicality either, Skunky!” I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I rolled my eyes and murmured under my breath, “Here we go again...” As my cousins continued their escalating war of words, I noticed Twilight looking between the two of them and chewing on her lower lip. It wasn’t hard to guess that the newly declared princess of friendship saw a budding friendship problem she needed to do something about. I trotted over to nip that in the bud. “Don't worry about them, they do this all the time.” Twilight frowned skeptically. “It sounds like something I should worry about. They’re already arguing, and it sounds like they’ll be fighting soon.” I gave her a reassuring pat on the back. “Don't worry, there's a very simple explanation for this.” I paused briefly for dramatic effect, then bluntly informed her, “My cousins are insane.” Storm glared at her sister and provided ample proof of my statement. “Then I suggest we settle this with actions rather than words.” Star glowered right back, moving up until she was practically nose to nose with her sister. “Fine! Just name a time and place!” “Gladly,” Storm agreed, her wings flaring out aggressively. “I see no reason to wait, and there just happens to be a nice flat field behind the palace.” “Then let’s do this!” Star all but shouted. “Agreed.” Storm shot right back. “Lucky for you, our new training gear has already been delivered, so there will be no need to hold back.” She turned about and led the way downstairs, pausing just long enough to flick Star’s nose with her tail on the way down. As Star stomped after her, I turned to Twilight once more. “I probably should've warned you before you got sweet on Storm, but ... yeah. We're all crazy ponies in this family. I guess I figured you already knew. I mean, you know I’m crazy, and by now you’ve figured out that Storm and Star are nuts, too.” “I suppose I should’ve known ahead of time,” the princess agreed with a chuckle, poking me with one of her wings. “I don’t know why I spend so much time hanging out with you crazy Kickers. And for the record, I’m not sweet on Storm. She’s my bodyguard and my friend, but that’s it.” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why you keep implying we’re engaged in some sort of passionate forbidden love with all kinds of unresolved sexual tension bubbling under the surface.” “Maybe I just think you two would make a cute couple?” I suggested. “Let’s face it, the princess and her protector falling in love is one of the old classics of romance. And still pretty popular in modern times: just look at your brother and Princess Cadance.” Twilight let out an annoyed huff. “Shining technically wasn’t her bodyguard before they got married, and just because Cadance married a guardpony doesn’t mean I will, too.” I smirked and poked her in the chest. “What, are you saying my cousin’s not good enough for you?” “What? No!” Her cheeks flushed, and she shuffled on her hooves. “That is not what I’m saying! There is nothing wrong with Storm!” My teasing grin grew all the wider. “So are you saying that she is good enough for you?” Twilight shot me a flat, faintly annoyed look. “I am saying that a decorated Guard officer who looks like she’ll have a very successful career is a socially acceptable match for a princess. So by that metric, yes—she is good enough for me. But I severely doubt she would ever be interested in me. I mean, I'm hardly a princessly princess, and she has her career to think about and this probably isn't a permanent position for her, and a dozen other problems.” She let out a soft huff. “And it’s not like I’m great at the whole romance thing to start with.” I hesitated for a moment, shifting my tone from teasing to sympathetic. “Wait, are you saying you'd actually…?” Her wings twitched nervously. “That I'd what?” I decided to stop beating around the bush. “You know, be interested in hooking up with her.” Her eyes dropped down to the floor. “Maybe,” she very softly admitted. “I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, or her career, or do something to make her uncomfortable. And I’m not even sure if I’m actually interested in her, or if I’m just ... well, if I’m just a little lonely, and she’s the pony who happens to be there. My friends are great, but they’re ... I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking for something more than friendship. And like you said, she does spend all her time protecting me and looking out for me. There is something a bit romantic about that, even if I don’t really think I like her that way.” My ears drooped, and I wrapped a wing around her. “Oh, I didn't ... sorry. I guess I didn’t realize how complicated it all was. Anything I could do to help?” She nuzzled me, the touch lingering just a bit longer than normal. “I wouldn't want to impose, or put you in a spot. Not with everything you're going through...” Despite her words, there was a faintly hopeful note in her voice—the sort of tone someone uses whenever they say ‘I don’t want to impose’ as an apology for imposing rather than actually meaning it. I returned the nuzzle and leaned against her, trying to offer a bit of reassuring companionship. “Hey, I can spare a bit of time for you if you need it. I've got a lot going on right now, but I'd still like to help out. It's ... well, solving my own problems seems to be a lot harder than helping other ponies solve theirs.” She chuckled. “I know the feeling. I've gotten pretty good at solving other ponies' problems, but it's my own that give me trouble. Maybe there's some potential synergy we haven't really looked into yet?” She grasped my hoof and gave it a supportive squeeze. I grinned and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Sounds like a good subject for a research paper sometime. But we probably ought to make sure my crazy cousins aren't actually gonna kill each other this time.” Her cheeks flushed into that light pink that I’d always found to be absolutely adorable. “I do like research projects, and this one sounds like it could be a lot of fun. But yes, I would really prefer it if Storm and Star didn’t kill one another. That isn’t something I would want to explain to Princess Luna.” We trotted after my cousins and caught up to them in the main entrance hall of the palace. They’d just finished strapping on the last of the protective padding, and were facing off in a glaring contest. After several seconds, Storm finally broke the silence. “So, do you have a preference for how we should conduct the spar this time?” Star scoffed. “Standard clan rules are fine by me. I really don’t care, though. I’ll be happy as long as it ends with me kicking your butt.” “We both know how this is going to end, Star,” Storm declared regally, trotting out into the open field she’d picked for their match. “The same way our spars always end: with you on the ground, tapping out and crying uncle.” She dropped down into a combat stance, flaring out her wings. “Only in your dreams, Skunky,” Star shot back, matching her. “You know what? I’m gonna enjoy kicking your butt so much, I wanna do it in style. You know, traditional-like.” She started stomping one hoof rhythmically on the ground, and after a few seconds I found myself tapping along with her. I’m a sucker for a good beat. Once she saw me getting into it, Star started the chant. Hear! Sons of Shadow. Hear! Daughters too. The tide of battle washes clean The warrior brave and true. We fight, we love, and then we win. Our lives burn short and bright For death waits in the shadows To claim the foes of the light Storm remained silent until her sister was done, then shot her a flat look. “Breaking out the war chants before a sparring match? Really, Star? Surely even you realize that is a bit too melodramatic.” Star primly stuck her nose in the air. “Like I said, kicking your butt with style.” Twilight’s eyes lit up eagerly. “So that was one of your clan’s war chants? I’ve never heard one of them before. Are there more? Has anypony collected all of them? Somepony should catalogue them properly, maybe with some notes about their origins, history, and any changes that have occurred over time...” Storm ignored her princess’ minor nerdgasm, keeping her attention firmly focused on her opponent. As she slowly advanced on her sister, a tight, challenging grin spread across her face. “I am going to enjoy this.” Star answered her with a confident smirk. “You enjoy losing? Guess that explains why you keep taking me on!” She didn’t bother dancing around and looking for an opening, but instead charged right in. Maybe she was hoping to catch Storm off-guard, but if so she failed. The two began a furious exchange of blows, with neither seeming to gain an immediate advantage. Once Star backed off and the two went back to circling and measuring each other, Twilight leaned over to me and murmured, “Are you sure we should let them do this? This doesn’t look like a friendly sparring match—it looks like they’re trying to beat each other to a pulp!” I chuckled and shook my head. “Nah, I told you, these two are fine. If it was serious, they wouldn’t have stopped to get padding or bothered with all the trash talk. Plus, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion Star provoked her on purpose to help her out.” Twilight frowned at me. “Help Storm? How is getting her mad and starting a fight with her helping? That’s the opposite of help!” I took a moment to think of the best way to explain some of our weird warrior clan traditions to a slightly sheltered bookworm. “It’s ... well, Storm lost her first real, serious fight when she went up against Tirek.” I held up a hoof to forestall Twilight’s inevitable objection. “Yeah, she did great for a normal pony taking on a monster like that, but she still lost. That’s the kind of thing that can bother some ponies, and start to eat away at their confidence if they stew on it for too long. So Star's giving her a spar to help her work that out, or at least perform a little bit of preventative maintenance.” I shrugged. “One of our weird family things: sometimes when something’s bugging one of your clanmates, you offer a spar and let them land a few hits to work out some of those frustrations.” Twilight stared at me, her mouth hanging open. “Wait ... are you saying that instead of sitting down and talking about your problems, sometimes members of your family just beat each other up to work out their issues?” “Pretty much, yeah.” Twilight groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “You’re all crazy.” “I did warn you,” I reminded her. She sighed and shook her head, but I caught her letting out a soft chuckle too. “I suppose you did.” Her eyes darted back to my cousins, and her hooves shuffled uncertainly. “I just ... sparring always makes me a bit nervous.” “Really? Why?” “It's too much like fighting, I think,” she answered with a shrug. “I don't know. Maybe I'll grow used to it after a while, but I just never really liked the idea. When I watched you and Storm spar, I was really worried one of you would accidently hurt the other. I don’t think I could ever have that kind of practice fight against one of my friends. Not the way you two fight, or how Star and Storm are going at it right now.” “Yeah, you're just not a fighting pony, are you?” I thought about just how many potentially Equestria-destroying evils Twilight had taken down and revised my statement. “Don't take that the wrong way. I know you can kick flank when you need to. It's just you don't like it. You do it because you have to, because your friends are in danger or Equestria would be in peril if you didn’t. But you just don’t have that ... natural aggression, I guess.” She thought it over for a bit, then slowly nodded. “I can't really get why anyone would enjoy it. I don’t really understand how you and Storm can ... well, I understand you doing it for practice, and to keep your skills sharp. But there’s more to it than that.” She pointed towards my cousins. “Look at them. They’re smiling. While they’re trying to hurt each other. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s hard for me to shoot a basic offense spell without wanting to close my eyes, but those two are sisters, and they’re punching and kicking each other and enjoying it.” “Oh.” A part of me couldn’t help but think that Twilight would understand that impulse a lot better if she’d grown up with an annoying little sister or overbearing big one. Sure, she’d had Shining Armor, but big brothers and little sisters got along a bit differently. However, there was a lot more to it than sibling dynamics. “It’s ... well it’s really just like any competitive thing. It’s the same as when Applejack and Rainbow get into their silly contests over who’s braver or more athletic. Except, you know, more violent.” “But the violence is the part that bothers me,” Twilight pointed out. “That’s a bit of an issue.” I thought it over for a bit, then tried to explain. “I guess ... I guess when you grow up in a military family and go through all the Guard training, that kind of thing just bothers you less. My parents started giving me sparring lessons back when I was still a kid. I helped train Star and Storm, and I’ve been giving Alula a few lessons whenever I get the time. It seemed like the normal thing to me. As long as you follow the rules, it’s just another game.” I thought back to the invasion of Canterlot when I’d helped my clan face off against an army of changelings. “You know, even when I got into a real, life-or-death battle, I kind of enjoyed it a little bit.” I hastily tried to find a way to make that sound less messed up. “I mean, I was scared out of my wits, terrified I’d screw up and get ponies I cared about or myself killed, and all that. But ... it was kind of exciting, too. Knowing how much was hanging on the line, how much every decision mattered, and that I was one mistake away from utter doom ... in a weird sort of way, I’d never felt more alive.” Twilight nodded very slowly. “I ... think I understand what you mean. Whenever things go completely crazy and I’m trying to stop a spirit of chaos or a mad alicorn, I’m usually either scared out of my wits or angry and determined not to lose. But once it’s all over, it does feel a bit weird to just go back to normal life. One day I’m saving Equestria, then the next it’s back to the libra—” She cut herself off, shooting a look towards her new palace. “Well, it was that way. Now it’s ... I don’t even know.” I wrapped a wing around her, just trying to comfort her with my presence. I didn’t say anything, mostly because everything I could think of saying just sounded stupid. Losing your home was the kind of thing that was gonna hurt no matter what, and me spouting out some canned words about how things would get better eventually wouldn’t fix that. Twilight didn’t say anything for quite a while, just watching Star and Storm with a worried frown. “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I still think fighting to solve your problems is a weird thing to do.” “Nothing wrong with that,” I reassured her. She chuckled softly. “You really think so?” “Yeah, I do.” I leaned over and nuzzled her. “The world has enough crazy Kickers already. We need some normal ponies to keep us grounded.” Twilight nuzzled me back, leaning against me. “Oh, you're not all that bad.” I pointed out to the impromptu sparring field. “See my cousins trying to beat the tar out of each other as a form of therapy? They're the normal ones in the family.” One of my hooves drifted downwards, coming to rest over my belly. “I guess I'll be adding one more crazy Kicker to the world sometime soon. Pretty nuts, huh?” “There are crazier things you could do,” Twilight pointed out. “I mean, Storm and I both fought a monster with demigod-like powers not too long ago. And I’m living in a giant crystal palace that grew out of a weird crystal thing we unlocked with keys made of random items given to us by a bunch of random ponies and a draconequus. Compared to everything I’ve been through lately, what you're doing is downright normal.” “Point.” I thought about that for a bit. “Our lives are weird.” “You're telling me.” She sighed, her eyes drifting back to the palace. “Makes me wonder what will come up next.” I grinned and scooted a bit closer to her. “Well ... I have a few ideas on that front.” I idly traced a wingtip down her side. “Some very fun ideas.” Twilight answered with a playful swat, but she didn’t object to the touch or move away. “I swear, you have a one-track mind...” “But it’s such a fun track,” I shot back with a grin. I shifted my attention back to the spar, just in time to see Storm looking at us. She had obviously noticed me getting very comfortable with her princess, and judging by the faint frown on her face she wasn’t happy about it. Unfortunately for my cousin, she’d forgotten rule number one of sparring: never take your eyes off your opponent. A lesson Star rather pointedly reminded her of by ringing her bells with a one-two punch. “Gotcha!” Star crowed, pumping her hooves triumphantly. After a couple seconds, her grin faded slightly. “You okay? I didn’t hit you too hard, did I?” Storm shook her head, and then her eyes narrowed. “I am fine. You, on the other hoof...” She closed in on her sister hard and fast, earning a startled yelp from Star as she frantically scrambled to block all the incoming attacks. I decided to file away Storm’s reaction to the sight of me getting cozy with Twilight for future reference, and gave the princess a little nudge. “So ... you wanna bet on Storm?” Twilight grinned back. “She is my bodyguard. Head of my bodyguard. Both, technically. I suppose I really should support her, even if I’m not wild about her sparring with Star in the first place.” Before I could work out any details for the bet, Storm dropped low and swept Star’s forelegs out from underneath her. Before my youngest cousin could recover, Storm followed that up by slamming her shoulder into Star’s chest, bowling her over. “Looks like it's a good thing I didn't make that a literal bet,” I murmured. “Storm’s got this one in the bag.” There are exceptions to every rule, but most of the time getting knocked off your hooves is a huge disadvantage. Storm proved exactly why that was a second later, grabbing one of Star’s forelegs and trapping it in a basic leg bar hold. One of the simplest holds around, but a very effective one that was just about impossible to escape if correctly applied. Star put up a few token struggles, but once it was clear Storm had her beat she sighed and reluctantly tapped out. Twilight shot an uncertain look my way, then murmured. “Um, it wouldn't hurt Star's feelings too much if I cheered for Storm just a little bit, would it?” I shook my head. “Nah, she knows Storm’s your bodyguard and you two are friends. She’d probably be surprised if you didn’t cheer for her.” The princess shot me a relieved smile, then turned back to the sparring field. “Way to go, Storm! You did a great job!” My cousin cleared her throat, then offered a short bow to her princess. “Thank you, Highness.” She stepped over to the two of us, raising a single dignified eyebrow at how cozy I’d gotten with Twilight. “Enjoying yourself there, Cloud?” “Yup,” I replied without an ounce of shame. If Twilight and I wanted to cuddle, Storm would just have to deal with it. “Nice job on the spar.” Star trotted up, slightly favoring the foreleg Star had trapped in the lock and pausing every few steps to stretch it out. “Yeah, good job ... for a skunk.” Storm shifted her attention to her sister, smirking slightly. “I told you I would beat you.” “Guess you were right.” Star let that sit for a moment, then her eyes narrowed. “This time. But I was going easy on you, because of what happened when you fought Tirek. Next time...” She let that threat hang in the air for just long enough to make it clear that she wasn’t giving up on the eternal war of sibling rivalry, then slapped her sister on the back. “Still, good job. No wonder you’re the heir to the clan.” Storm’s eyes cut to me before she carefully replied. “It is a great honor.” Oooh. Star just had to bring up that issue. I could see how Storm’s eyes were still lingering on me, waiting to see how I’d react. Considering that, I knew the only option was to be an adult about it. After all, I’d known for a long time that I would be a terrible clan leader. The clan didn’t want me running things, and I didn’t really want to run things. I was happier here in Ponyville, taking care of myself and living my own life. If Storm wanted to run the clan, she was welcome to it. I took a deep breath. “Yeah. Congratulations, Storm.” A barely noticeable hint of tension left my cousin’s shoulders. “Thank you. It is very nice to have your support.” “It's a pretty big deal,” Twilight agreed eagerly. “I mean, nopony has worn Shadow's Armor in nearly two hundred years. This is historically significant. Not to mention Celestia and Tornado have agreed to let Storm keep the armor now that it’s bonded to her.” A particularly eager light entered Twilight’s eyes. “Which means I’ll have plenty of time to study it, and interact with the armor’s controlling intelligence. Maybe I could even write a book about it!” “I was only doing my duty when I used the Armor,” Storm murmured humbly. “To be honest, I am still a bit surprised Shadow accepted me.” “My big sis,” Star declared with unusual pride, giving her a pat on the back. “Just remember: no matter how amazing you are, you’ll always be my skunky.” “As if you would let me forget it,” Storm shot back with a dry smile. “But yes, we have been blessed with quite a bit of good news as of late.” “Yeah.” My hoof unconsciously drifted back to my belly. “I guess we have.” “Yup.” Star shot Twilight a cheeky grin. “And I don't care what the technicalities say, I'm still gonna be Aunt Star.” Storm nodded, then turned to me. “If you need anything, we will be there for you. I ... this news does make me glad I am posted in Ponyville. You should have family nearby during this.” “Yeah, it’ll be nice,” I agreed. Sure, things might be a bit odd between me and Storm right now, but she was still my cousin. That was the most important thing. Twilight spoke up. “If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to let me know. Really, I’d be more than happy to do anything to help. I already made sure my shipment of books will include a few about pregnancy, and I’d be more than happy to let you borrow them.” “Thanks, Twilight.” I smiled and nuzzled her again, ignoring the grumpy frown that provoked from Storm. “Really, you've been a great friend about all this.” Twilight answered with a sheepish smile. “Well, I am the Princess of Friendship. Being a great friend is really just me doing my job. And having a foal is a really big deal.” I smirked and gave her a teasing nudge. “Just be careful, or Rainbow might think you’re competing against her for the honor of becoming my kid’s godmother.” Actually, a princess probably would be a good choice. Of course, then I would have to put up with Rainbow’s pouting for the rest of my life. Or at least until I had another kid and made her the godmother to that one. No, even then she’d probably still be annoyed that she hadn’t been my first choice. I put thoughts of Rainbow aside for the moment and decided it was time to put things on an appropriately happy note. “Alright, everypony come in for a group hug!” “Sounds good to me.” Twilight declared before hugging me. Star wasted no time joining in, but Storm hesitated. The princess rolled her eyes. “Yes, Storm. You have my permission to hug me. You really don’t need to ask, you know.” With permission granted, Storm joined in on the group hug. Since I was in a pretty good mood after giving my cousins the big news, I decided to finish sharing the word. Sure, my family all knew, but I hadn’t told all of my friends yet. Plus, I could get a little advice on one or two other issues from a self-proclaimed expert. Thus, I headed to LyraBon Central. Or whatever Lyra and Bon Bon called their house, assuming they called it anything other than ‘home.’ Bon Bon answered the door, greeting me with a pleasant smile. “Hey, Cloud. Haven’t seen you since ... well, the bunker. Nice to see you under better circumstances. How’ve you been?” “Good to see you too, Bons.” I gave her a quick nuzzle. “As for how I’ve been ... well that’s a question with a long, complicated answer. Got a bit?” “Always.” She stepped aside, welcoming me in. “And in case you wonder what that smell is, I just finished making some bonbons.” She shot me a wry grin. “And yes, you can have some. But only if you don’t make any terrible jokes about the candy’s name.” “Would I do that?” Normally I might have been tempted, but I certainly wasn’t going to risk being denied any of Bon Bon’s sweets. “Is your mintier half around too?” “Yeah, I'll go grab her. She was just going over some of her music sheets, I think.” She paused, then raised her voice slightly. “Unless she’s trying to steal some of my mint bonbons while my back’s turned, but I know she wouldn’t do that.” A second later there was a loud thump from the kitchen, and Bon Bon’s eyes narrowed. “Take a seat on the couch. I’ll be back in just a minute.” I settled down on the couch, politely ignoring the sound of Bon Bon applying a wooden spoon to the head of a certain harp-flanked unicorn. A second later Lyra whined out from the kitchen. “There was a squirrel! I was fending it off, and the candy fell into my mouth!” A rather pointed silence followed, and I could just imagine Bon Bon’s unimpressed glower. Lyra tried to wriggle her way out of trouble. “Because ... the squirrel put it there! It's poisoned! Uuugh, I don't feel so good, oh no ... blargh...” “Lyra,” Bon Bon grumbled. “The window's closed.” “No wonder it managed to sneak in!” Lyra exclaimed. “The squirrels have figured out how to open and close windows!” Another pointed silence followed, and Lyra sighed and whined. “You know, making mint-filled candies when you know I’m in the house is pretty much entrapment. So if you think about it, it’s as much your fault as mine.” I couldn’t help chuckling at the comedy duo, which apparently reminded them both that they had company. Lyra trotted out, smirking proudly despite the spoon-shaped welt on her head. “Hey, Cloud. This is a nice surprise.” “Hey, Harpbutt.” I casually waved to her. “Wish I could say this was just a social call, but ... I got some problems.” Lyra’s eyes widened, and she quickly trotted over to take a seat next to me. “Problems? What kind of problems? How can I help?” I took a deep breath. “Well, let's start with the doozy. I'm ... pregnant.” Lyra stared at for several seconds, then did the most unexpected thing. She let out a loud snort. “Nice one, Cloud! You really had me going there for a minute...” “This isn't a prank, Lyra,” I grumbled. “Come on!” She lightly hoofed me in the shoulder. “I know you have a great poker face, but you didn’t really think I’d—” “Lyra,” Bon Bon cut in. “She's serious.” Lyra blinked several times, looking back and forth between the two of us. Slowly the truth sank in. “Oh.” Her eyes went wide as dinner plates. “You’re ... seriously?” I nodded. “Whoa. That’s ... whoa. Um ... well I feel like an arse now.” “It’s fine,” I murmured. Bon Bon sighed and shook her head at her minty marefriend, then focused her attention on me. “Since you’re saying that since this is a ‘problem’ ... well, I don't want to make assumptions but I'm guessing this was a surprise to you as well.” “It was a pretty big one for me, yeah.” I sighed and ran a hoof through my mane. “I mean, things were really good with Blossom and Eepy, but that didn’t mean I wanted ... well, this. And now it’s all gotten a lot more complicated, because adding a kid always makes things more complicated. And I don’t like complicated.” Lyra nodded understandingly. “You did always like to keep things simple. ‘S why most of your relationships could be summed up as ‘We have fun sex together.’” She shot me a cheeky grin. “Us included.” “Exactly,” I agreed, giving her a halfhearted teasing nudge. “So ... well, I’m in a bit of a spot right now, and you two are the best friends I have who’re in a long-term relationship. Figured maybe I could ask you guys for some tips.” Bon Bon settled in on my other side. “Ah, so you wanted advice from our self-proclaimed resident love doctor?” “And you too, Candy-Flank.” I poked her right in said flank. “I know who runs the show here.” She chuckled and nodded. “Right. Somepony has to keep Lyra grounded.” “Bonnie!” Lyra whined, pouting adorably. “Just because I’m an incurable romantic doesn’t mean I walk around with my head in the clouds all the time. Just often. As for advice ... gimme a bit. I’m still a little dumbstruck by the fact that Cloud got pregnant.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “She's just a pony, Lyra. Not a sex goddess.” I knew a few ponies who would argue that point, but this really wasn’t the time to bring that fact up. “And right now she needs our help,” Bon Bon continued, “So get your mind in gear.” “Okay, okay...” Lyra vigorously shook her head, then took a couple deep breaths. “This is crazy, but okay. What's the situation so far with your relationship?” “It's ... messy,” I summarized. “The m-word came up, and I didn't exactly handle it well.” “How long ago did that happen?” Bon Bon asked. “If the talk ended badly, it’s important to patch things up before it has time to fester.” She paused, then amended, “As long as you can actually patch it up, mind you.” “It was yesterday,” I murmured. Bon Bon nodded. “Not too long, at least. Who brought it up, and why? Was it just one of them, or did they both raise the subject as a joint initiative?” I thought back. It was hard to believe it had just been yesterday. It felt so much ... bigger than that. “Blossom was the first one to suggest it, but they both seemed pretty into it. As for why, well I figure that’s obvious. They wanna marry me because of the foal. You know, the whole ‘Make sure we have a stable family together’ thing.” I paused, tapping my chin and frowning thoughtfully. “Well, if I'm honest, I suspect they were already thinking about it before, and the pregnancy is just what pushed them into asking. At least, I know Blossom was dropping some hints about how we should move in together. Plus I doubt Fluttershy would’ve been so pumped about the idea of marrying me unless she’d already been thinking about it.” Lyra scowled disapprovingly. “And they thought they could just drop this on you, when you already had the news of a foal to deal with? That's...” She spent awhile searching for the right word before snorting and declaring. “Kinda selfish, actually.” While a part me thought she had a point, I felt compelled to speak of up Eepy and Blossom’s defense. “I don't think they meant it that way.” “Neither do I,” Bon Bon chimed in. “Me either,” Lyra agreed. “They were probably telling themselves it was all about taking care of Cloud and the foal. But that doesn’t change the fact that a part of them brought up the marriage thing because it’s something they wanted.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Just goes to show, love makes fools of us all.” “I know.” Bon Bon smirked at her. “I'm looking at one right now.” “Hey!” Lyra gave her marefriend a playful little whap. “Cheeky. You see what I have to put up with, Cloud?” She shook her head, and her smile faded. “Point is, they should’ve thought about whether you were ready before they brought it up.” “It would've been nice to not get hit by surprise with it in the middle of all this,” I agreed. “They were probably just trying to reassure Cloud that they’d be there for her,” Bon Bon pointed out. “Raising a foal is a pretty huge commitment. Cloud’s going to be a mother for the rest of her life. I imagine they were just trying to say that they would be there for Cloud and the child. After all, that is the entire point of marriage, traditionally.” She shot me a rather pointed look. “If it was Blossomforth or Fluttershy who was pregnant, wouldn’t you want to do the same thing?” “Well yeah,” I confessed. “But...” “But you don't always need marriage for those kind of things,” Lyra finished for me. “I mean, we’ll be there to help Cloud and her kid out if she needs it, but that doesn’t mean I’m planning to march her up the altar. And ... well, divorces are a thing. Way I figure it, if they’re gonna support Cloud and help with the kid, it’s either gonna happen or it won’t. A wedding won’t change that.” Lyra nodded to herself, seeming to pick up some steam now that she was working out exactly what she wanted to say. “To put it simply, marriage is just an agreement between two lovers with a lot of formal ceremony attached. Not everypony marries and not even I think it's required for a loving relationship. Besides, you’ve already got proof of your love for each other.” “Yeah, that's true.” I sighed, slumping down into the couch. “But they wanna get married. And I'm ... I dunno. I mean, yeah, I got a little freaked out when they sprang it on me right then and there, but it’s ... I dunno.” “What’s the problem?” Bon Bon asked gently, placing a hoof on my shoulder. “What’s making it so hard to figure out how you feel?” “The kid's a big enough change on its own,” I mumbled. “Anything past that is just ... it’s more than I wanna deal with right now.” “So you do want to get married someday?” Bon Bon probed. “Maybe?” I shrugged helplessly. “I dunno. It’s not like I’m some anti-marriage crusader who hates the idea or anything.” “I hear a 'but' in there.” Lyra wrapped her forelegs around me. “C’mon Cloud, spill. What else is there going through that head of yours?” “I don't really wanna do the whole marriage thing right now,” I repeated. “But ... well, Blossom and Eepy seem to really like the idea. And I want them to be happy.” Lyra sighed, rubbing her forehead. “Cloud, don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you can be a real doormat in your relationships.” She held up a hoof to forestall my inevitable objection. “Think about where things went wrong between you and Derpy. She kept pushing things to places you weren’t comfortable with, and you never stood your ground. You didn’t want to cause problems or get into an argument, so you just tried to go along with what she wanted until it got to be too much and everything exploded. And now you’re starting to make the exact same mistake again. Tell me, what exactly did you do when they brought up the idea of getting married?” I shuffled my hooves, looking down at the carpet as my cheeks flushed. “I ... said I had to go to the bathroom, then slipped out the bathroom window and ran for it.” “Oh, Cloudy...” She gripped me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye. “Sweetie, it’s okay to just tell them ‘No, I don’t want to get married right now.’ If they love you half as much as I think they do, they’ll understand and find some way to make it work. Maybe they’ll be a little disappointed, but they probably wouldn’t be half as upset as they were when they found out you ran away instead of talking to them.” “I guess,” I mumbled sheepishly. “That’s always been your problem, Cloud,” Lyra continued. “Look, I don’t mind helping you out, but this is really something you need to talk to them about. Your friends can give you advice, but you’re never gonna solve your relationship issues by talking to everypony except the two mares you’re in a relationship with. You’re so scared of hurting their feelings or starting an argument that you’re shutting them out, and that’s not a solution at all. In fact, it’s just going to end up making things worse.” “I’m sure you could work out a reasonable compromise,” Bon Bon suggested. “That is an important part of relationships. Now, if the main reason they want to marry you is because they want to support you and the foal, perhaps you could just start living together and put the marriage issue aside? That way they can be there for you, and you aren’t pushed too far out of your comfort zone.” I took a deep breath and thought it over. “I guess that'd be okay with me. I mean, it’s still a big change, but ... well, it’s one I can’t argue with as much. I mean, I probably am gonna need help once I get further along with the whole pregnancy thing. And once the kid’s born ... yeah. I helped Derpy out some back when she had Dinky, and every time I showed up to help out she couldn’t stop thanking me. If having a kid is half as much work as I think it is, having a couple extra sets of hooves would make my life a lot easier.” “And if you’re having a bit of trouble with the adjustment, you could always work out some sort of safe space for yourself,” Lyra chimed in. “You have plenty of friends who wouldn’t mind letting you stay with them for a night or two if you need some time away from it all. Like us. Or Rainbow Dash. Or us. Or Derpy. Or us. Or Princess Twilight. Or us.” I chuckled and shook my head and Lyra’s unique brand of anti-subtlety. “Thanks for the offer, I’ll keep it in mind. And ... thanks for the talk, and the suggestions.” I shifted uncertainly on the couch. “You really think Blossom and Eepy would be okay with that?” “It might take some convincing,” Lyra admitted, “but they should be okay with it.” A frown flickered across her face. “If they’re not ... well, in that case I think there are some real problems you guys would need to work out. And if they give you any grief to try to bully or guilt you into giving in, I'll give them a right piece of my mind.” “I’ll help,” Bon Bon agreed. “Though honestly, I’d be pretty shocked if it came to that.” “Yeah.” I wrapped my wings around both of them. “Thanks, gals.” Bon Bon smiled and hugged me. “It was nothing, really.” Lyra glomped onto me, though she was careful to keep her hooves above my belly. “Happy to help!” She levitated one of the candies she’d stolen from the kitchen. “How about some mint for luck? Being minty fresh will make everything you do ten times more effective.” Bons smirked and rolled her eyes. “Sure it does. That’s why you got smacked upside the head when I caught you.” Lyra grinned shamelessly. “In my defense, your candies are so good that a couple smacks on the head is a small price to pay for getting them.” I took the chocolate-coated mint. “I don’t know if I buy Lyra’s philosophy that mints make everything better, but I'll take whatever help I can get.” I wolfed it down. Lyra was right, they were really good. Bon Bon gave me a smile and reassuring pat on the back. “Good luck, Cloud. We're rooting for you.” “Nice to know somepony is,” I answered. Lyra chuckled and ruffled my mane. “Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go be your lovely, amazing self. Go out there and kick butt. You know, relationship butt. And by kicking it, I mean fix it all up so everypony’s nice and happy.” I got up from the couch, grinning at her. “I have no idea what you just said, Harpflank, but I’ll do my best to sort things out with Blossom and Eepy.” Feeling a lot better about my chances than I had before my visit to the collective wisdom of the LyraBon, I headed out the door.