Ah…it finally happened…and it felt good to watch. Sure, being a spirit separated from my body was weird, and even looking at my embalmed body seemed a bit uncanny. But at last, I could see all of these ponies mourning for me as I lay peacefully in this open coffin. To my surprise, an assortment of ponies were here to send me on my way. I could see that eccentric pink pony with the party cannon; but acting quite the opposite. Her mane was straightened, which was very unusual for her.
All of the joy had been taken forcefully from her like a thief in the night. Many others I have seen in town were in attendance also. More than I would have expected, that’s for sure. Some would talk about my awkwardness and the…problems that I have endured. Some of them would speak of my skill as a free-lance poet. Other than that, this went better than I expected….
Wait…what?
Suddenly, I could feel myself coming to, weary and delirious. As I opened my eyes, this glorious dream faded into nothingness and light slowly began to fill me eyes. To my surprise, I appeared to be in some hospital room with one of my forelegs bandaged. There also was an IV running into my arm, delivering me with hydration and all of the morphine I could ever want.
“Oh yeah…” I muttered to myself, as I examined my wounded foreleg.
Damn it! I was sure this would have killed me. How do I manage to fuck everything up? Tartarus, I can’t even kill myself… I mean, I went down the road, and somehow I still managed not to hit any oncoming traffic, apparently. Unto this realization, I sighed heavily. This bed I lay in might be comfortable, and these drugs might put my aching arm at ease, but not my heart… You couldn’t give me enough medication to ease the pain I have went through. And if you did, I’d be dead from an overdose. If only...
I looked around the sterile room I was in, dazed and confused, and noticed how neat and tidy it was. I get it, that’s how hospital rooms are supposed to be. Maybe it was the drugs talking, who knows. It just seemed a bit weird to me. I noticed a consistent rhythm of the heart beat machine ringing in my ears. It felt nice and soothing watching the machine make the same line every time.
*Beep beep*
As much as I would have liked to hop up out of this bed and walk around, my damaged foreleg was tied down to the railing of this bed. This must have been some sort of preventative protocol, I get it. I was too tired and exhausted to do much of anything anyways, except contemplate the usual stuff.
I noticed the time on the clock read 2:23 and I could catch a gleaming ray of brilliant sunshine breaching the window panes. Oh my, it did look wonderful outside, from what I could see. I’ve been here for a while apparently, because I remember it being dark outside when I inflicted this damage to myself. I continued to stare at my foreleg, wondering how I managed to compromise such a simple procedure. Whatever…
Peripherally, I caught a glimpse of a remote for the television that was staring blankly towards me. I’ve got nothing better to do, right? It took me a while to reach for the remote, but I managed. Damn this constraint! I felt a tightening sensation as I extended my other arm. I sat back up like I had been, and pushed the “ON” button on the remote.
This older-looking television produced a mechanical clicking noise as it turned on. The screen slowly faded from black to static, and eventually looked like a compressed blizzard.
“Oh boy, my favorite,” I lethargically groaned.
Flipping through the channels, I come across many different programs, such as a cop show, one of those crappy Canterlot reality shows, and some cartoons. I couldn’t really find anything I enjoyed, so I turned off the television and tossed the remote towards the foot of the bed. I really just need to sleep this medication off. The sooner I can get home, the sooner I can make things right.
I reached for a different remote that controlled the degree of incline for the head of the bed. I could raise it and be able to sit up, or lower it and face the ceiling. Just a slight adjustment later, and I was comfortable enough to try and sleep. I mean, what else am I going to do with my time here? I snuggled my head against the cheaply-made pillows, trying to make myself comfortable. Eventually, I closed my eyes, and just tried to blank my mind. I just wanted to get some rest. I was too damn tired to deal with anything right now, including life. But you probably already understood that…
I must have taken a power nap, since I was awoken by the creaking of a door opening. I certainly wasn’t out for long. No dreams this time. I slowly opened my eyes to find that a nurse had snuck in. Thankfully, she was trying her hardest to be quiet and nimble, not to wake me. Well, if I was still asleep, that is.
She was looking over my charts, analyzing the information that had been entered on it. My vision had been blurred from being doped up; but from what I could tell, she had a light grey-purplish coat. Her mane was red, with the occasional accent of black running through it. As my vision became less obscured, I noticed that she was a bat pony. She had some neat looking wings, with pointed ends on each of them. She even had the adorable little tufts towards the tips of her ears. She turned to me and noticed that I had been watching her, and gave me a slight smirk.
“Hello,” She whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
I waved her off with my non-damaged foreleg, and slightly shook my head.
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, “I was just napping anyways.”
Now that I was fully awake, I used the bed remote to raise the back of the bed so that I was sitting up. I had closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and was now fully awake. The nurse had grabbed my charts, and held them in between her left wing and the side of her body. She pulled up a chair next to my bed and sat next to you; probably to talk to me about this visit.
“So, ‘Miss Eri’’, the nurse paused to read my name, “My name is Mia, and I will be checking up on you every once in a while”
Her voice was soft on my ears, helping me feel at ease. At least in the meantime.
“Thanks,” I quietly stated, “you can just call me Eri”
“Sounds good to me!” Mia cheerily said.
She seemed like the type of pony that really couldn’t be bothered by much. At least from what you could read from her.
“So how are you feeling?” She asked me.
Well, all depends on what she means. Physically, I feel better, I guess. Mentally…well…
“My foreleg feels better, not to mention this morphine helps” I tiredly replied
Both of us chuckled as I pointed towards the IV bag near my bedside.
“Well, I am glad to hear that!”
Mia leaned forward in her chair, and tapped your good foreleg with her hoof. I could tell that she was legitimately compassionate towards her patients, including me. Her gleaming grin was fairly comforting as well. She stared once more at her charts of me, and proceeded to take some of my vitals. As she took notes of this information, she occasionally hummed here and there.
“By the looks of it, you should make a full recovery here by the end of the day” Mia stated.
“Well, that’s good to know”
With the tone of my voice, you could tell I was just “thrilled” to be going back to my hell hole of an apartment. Just the thought of having to go back there gives me fearful goosebumps. I mean, I go back home, I could easily repeat last night and end up here again. Even though this bothers me, it’s probably not going to stop me. Let’s be honest.
As I watch Mia look at the notes the doctor has made, I could see her facial expressions turn from joyful to worrying. She’s probably reading about my suicidal tendencies, or the number of visits I’ve made here. I’m surprised they haven’t thrown me into some mental ward by now. Mia’s eyes were glued to the notes as she examined what other RN’s have said before. To say the least, she was appalled. She sighed deeply before speaking again. Who would have though a sigh could be so emotional?
“So, Eri” She said with a serious tone
Oh damn, I couldn’t take this tension. I knew what was coming, but I just didn’t expect the feeling, you know?
Mia nodded her head as she tried to compose herself and her sentence. You could tell this type of thing bothered her. I mean, just look at her. She opened her mouth and closed it with every attempt she tried to speak. I was just about to break the silence with her until she finally said something.
“So…” She paused, “this isn’t your first time here.” “I can definitely see that”
She firmly tapped the clipboard with her hoof, as though she was waiting for some explanation. What could you say that you haven’t said before? Cry for help, again?
“You’d be right about that, Mia,” I said as I nodded my head towards her.
I tried not to make eye contact with her. As embarrassing as it is to be called out on it, I didn’t want her to see my expression.
“I also see that…this wasn’t some accident.” Mia said as she leaned closer to my bedside.
A gentle tap of her hoof brought be back to reality as I snapped out of my daydream of my demise. She placed her caring hoof under my chin and raised my face towards hers. She might have been sensitive towards this subject, but her face said otherwise. She gave me an unwavering stare as she asked for an explanation. Her eyes never left mine until she was completely done talking.
“I know that you’re going through a rough time right now. And I also know that I’m no psychiatrist. But I do know that you’ve had a history of doing this type of….harm….to yourself.”
Her other hoof tapped on the clipboard quickly, indicating her tenseness at the moment. The more that she talked to me, the more I noticed the agitation and concern rise in her voice. To be honest, it felt I was being put on the edge, and I just couldn’t handle it. I was trying to keep strong about all of this, but damn it, it’s so hard to keep my composure with her. I felt like I was being interrogated as this was beginning to become intense. But at the same time, I was just trying to keep it together. My eyes were starting to tear up as her compassion started to service. Of course, my throat was starting to choke up as well. Fuck…
“I also know you’ve talked to other ponies here about your…situation…” She added, raising her voice slightly. “I don’t expect you to talk to me about this, but I would like if you did. I want to help you…”
The hoof that was once holding your head up slipped down to one of your shoulders. The gentleness and sincerity of her touch was the final thing to break me down. Mia’s eyebrows showed signs of concern as they were slumped. As these emotions of mine rose to the surface, I found it harder to catch my breath. A tightness in my chest constricted my breathing, and now, I felt like I was fighting against my lungs.
With each breath I took, I felt as though the walls in the hospital room were converging. I placed my hoof on my chest to try and ease myself from this panic attack, but the effort was futile. The next thing I knew, I was being held in the nurse’s forelegs. The warmth and comfort of her embrace was the pinnacle of this breakdown. As I sunk my muzzle into her shoulder, I could feel the tears roll down my cheeks. She was very compassionate, and didn’t interrupt. She just held me tight, and caressed my withers.
“There, there. Let it all out,” She whispered
Mia’s soft, nurturing voice made it all the easier for me to release all my pent up anguish and shame. Her genuine amiability assured me that I was in good care. I laid there, limp, as she continued to cradle me. Every time that I took a breath in, I felt a slight quiver throughout my body. It was as though each bad memory was quickly escaping.
This episode I was having went on for a few minutes at least. Honestly, I wasn’t keeping track of time. Who would? The fact that Mia was still there for me, after all of this emotional out pour, was quite the surprise. The bat pony pulled away from me briefly, and tapped her hoof on my thigh.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” She asked.
I have talked to counselors and people of the like. But I don’t know…their responses just didn’t seem all too, concerning. They would tell me about my situation, and recommend things for me to do. Things such as writing down my thoughts, medicine, trying to socialize. Those things never worked, clearly.
I sat there, conflicted from these mixed feelings I was having, not sure what to do, what to say. My eyes were watching as Mia’s hoof rested on my thigh. It’s not like I could see since I was still teary-eyed. The softness of her voice helped to pacify my emotions. It was not as effective as the quiet reverberating drone, vibrating from her throat. The high pitch that I was hearing made my ears twitch uncontrollably as they were adjusting to the noise. Whatever it was, seemed to work.
“What was that?” I reluctantly asked as I turned my sight towards the nurse
I wiped away the distress and tears from my eyes with one of my hooves. The other hoof reached for a tissue to wipe my snout.
“Oh, the noise?” Mia chuckled, “That’s a light scree some bat ponies like myself can make.”
She pointed to herself with her free hoof.
“I found out that if performed well enough, it can lower ponies’ heart rates, calming them down.” Mia explained to me, cracking a modest grin.
“Remind me to get a hold of you during a panic attack,” I chortled.
I took some time to compose myself after my episode, just trying to clear my mind a bit. I mean, I felt better for the most part; but to talk to this helpful pony, I just needed to relax. As I sit there, calming down, Mia took her hoof from my thigh and placed it in her other hoof.
“So,” I paused, “I’m sure you’ve seen from my record that I have anxiety and other problems”
“Yeah, I saw that in your files,” Mia said, flipping through the clipboard, “but it doesn’t really go into detail, Eri.”
“I’ll fill in the gaps for you…”
I lost track of time as I went into the grieving details of what I’ve put myself through. Each cut I’ve inflicted upon myself told a story of sorrow and rejection. As I delved further into my personal Tartarus, I noticed the sympathetic expressions Mia shot towards me.
Once I led her to the bottom of the rabbit hole, her exuberant demeanor grew stern. I tried my hardest to avoid eye contact with her, embarrassed of what I’ve become. Meanwhile, she’s staring me up and down, taking in all that she’s witnessed.
Mia found herself moving her hooves around while in thought, trying to find the right words to say. She was speechless, but very concerned nonetheless. I could tell she’s never dealt with some pony in a situation, like myself. Most ponies do not know what to say when they listen to my stories, my cries for help. I still couldn’t muster the courage to look at her, because I know I’d just break down emotionally again. I looked to my scarred forearms and just started speaking.
“Don’t worry,” I whispered, “that’s every pony else’s response too.”
“I don’t mean anything by it,” Mia chimed, “I just hate…seeing some pony in this situation.”
Mia tapped her hoof on my leg again, and I looked up to her. I know she meant well, but, I just don’t know. I’m just not used to some pony genuinely caring.
“I can tell,” I said, breaking the awkward silence, “and I’m grateful you’re concerned.”
Mia’s fanged smile warmed my heart as I was being consoled. The look in her eyes assured me that I could actually trust her, and that I was safe.
“Not a problem, Eri!” Mia exclaimed, “I try to help any pony who needs it. Why do you think I’m a nurse?”
Mia pointed to her laminated RN badge and we both chuckled. Feels good to laugh...
*BZZZTTT*
The pager that was attached to the benevolent bat pony nurse’s hip was vibrating loudly and lighting up. She detached it from her waist and held it in front of her face with her wing. She looked attentive and little disappointed.
“Sorry, I have to go” Mia blurted as she hopped off of the chair, “got some crazy stuff going on in the ICU!”
She trotted towards the door to my room and grabbed ahold of the door knob. For some reason, she stopped and turned her head to me.
“If you ever need some pony to talk to, I’d be more than glad to listen…” She quickly said to me.
“Thanks, Mia…” I replied back to her, a little distressed.
She was half way out the door, just about to close it behind her. But then she hesitated for a quick second. She knows I’ll miss the companionship.
“Tell you what…if you’re released before I get back, I’ll see you around town!” She said loudly, pointing to me.
“Sounds good” I waved towards her.
The last thing I remember was her waving back to me before she walked out that door. Once again, I was all alone. Each thought still loomed in my demented mind, but it didn’t seem as bad as what it had been. At least I talked to some pony who wasn’t just getting paid to tell me what I wanted to hear. I could tell she cared. I mean, she did wear her heart on her flank after all.
As I tried to lay back down to get some sleep, I turned on the television in my room for background noise. The low banter from some pony on a show lulled me to tiredness. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about the kind-hearted nurse, and the conversation we had. I wish I had more time to talk to her, because at least I felt safe, and I wasn’t…alone. I may as well get some shut eye to pass the time. Who knows, maybe she will come back. Maybe I’ll see her around Ponyville, or something.
I sure hope so…