"Moon, it’s time for us ta go. ya’ve been sulkin’ an’ unhappy since ya got back from yer appointment monday. What’s been eatin’ ya?” AJ sits down next to me on my bed. She can’t even come close to understanding how I'm feeling. I don’t even know how I’m feeling. Why… how could this… happen?
Reluctantly I let myself get dressed by Applejack as I refuse to answer or even look at her before we make our way to the waiting vehicle. I can guess the run down, rusty red truck is hers, but surprisingly we make our way to Lu… her Mustang. “Is she… is she… coming with us?”
“Yea, Celestia had some kind o’ meetin’ with the school board an’ Chrysalis had somethin’ she had ta do.” A flicker of concern crosses her emerald gaze at the question and my tone of voice, obviously wondering what she has to do with my sudden change of personality. “What happened between the two o’ ya?”
“Nothing, just… just dr---” The sight of the woman herself approaching the vehicle causes me to go silent while I turn as far as I can to face the window.
“Hello there, Applejack. Good afternoon, Moonshade.” She tries to make her greeting sound cheerful while opening the door and getting inside. The cowgirl returns the greeting, a little confused at my refusal to acknowledge her greeting. I can feel both of their worried gazes as I just stare out the window, ignoring both the acquaintance sitting behind me and her, in the driver’s seat.
The silence surrounding us during the drive is almost deathly and only serves to increase the tension filling the small space. Looking out the window various scenes play before my unfocused eyes, all of them regarding my possibly… no my REAL family. I don’t care if she is my blood mother, she threw me away. You guys… you guys were… strike that, ARE still my real parents. She decided to throw me away, so why should I accept her now? Should I… should I even try? Why… why now do I… why does this have to happen now, on top of all this… this… shit I’m already going through? As the images continue to play against the window the images of mom… my real mom, are replaced by her. As I continue to watch, an old, familiar feeling begins to grow deep down in my stomach.
Pain radiates from the knuckles and wrist of my once good arm as it finds itself smashing into the window. The path of pain increases significantly, and not just from my newly injured hand, but from my bad shoulder and ankle as well due to the abrupt jerk following the rapid declaration of the vehicle. Stars explode in my vision from the pain before it goes white. I can tell the farm hand and her are asking questions, but I’m unable to make out their words.
“What’s goin’ on with ya Moon? Ya’ve been actin’ strange fer a few days now. are ya alright?” She is obviously concerned as she leans between the front seat and the door and takes my right arm gently, probably to examine it for any serious damage. Even after her concerned question and look I still refuse to answer, causing the others to sigh as they wait for me to answer.
“Nothing, let’s just… let’s just go. I’ll talk to the shrink about this, but ONLY him.” I finally huff out, mostly to myself as I continue to avoid the gaze of the other two.
The rest of the drive is again taken in silence, a very uncomfortable, stifling silence that the hick and the other occupant try to break, without success. Even after we park I refuse to talk as I’m pushed towards the single story building.
The blonde farmer leads us down a few hallways to a reception area, where she engages in some kind of conversation, though it’s one I don’t care to follow. I vaguely notice that the receptionist also tries to engage me in the same conversation, but I only just pretend to be more interested in the slate grey carpet that’s been trampled by countless feet. The rest of the room is furnished by couches and lounge chairs in the similar grey as the carpet. The tables are covered in a multitude of magazines while toys for little kids are gathered in the far corner, some abandoned and others being used. Potted flowers rest atop a few of the tables and the window sills as a couple, I guess supposed to be cheery, posters line the walls.
My thoughts are interrupted as the farmer pushes me next to a pair of empty seats closest to the hall opposite the door. Again she tries to engage me in some kind of conversation while taking another look at my hand, which is throbbing in pain, and only increases as she moves it around. I barely keep my anger in check as all I want to do is lash out, curse and scream, mostly at her, who is sitting behind me, which was the closest available seat.
The cycle of thoughts from earlier return, but this time only playing in my mind’s eye and interrupted by new thoughts. A couple of times I can’t help but what it would feel like letting my anger out on her, mostly in different, physical ways. Sometimes she is left bruised and battered and others she is laying in a heap, surrounded by a pool of blood. These images, for some reason only serve to inflame my rising anger.
Right in the middle of one of the more… disturbing thoughts I’m snapped back to reality by the unexpected jerk of the wheelchair. In front of me the hick is talking with a significantly older man with white hair streaked with grey. “Hello there, Moonshade, I’m doctor Sunshine. Applejack has told me a bit about you, but only the basics, so I’d like to spend most of the time working with you, if you’ll let me.” She pushes me into a room that is surprisingly larger than I’d expect, unlike the waiting room the carpet in here is colorful and looks well cared for. The walls are painted a gentle, light yellow covered with pictures of various people and his license. The desk is made from a warm looking, dark wood along with the shelves. The chairs, more like recliners, are an off white looking color. Just like the waiting room, there is a shelf full of various toys neatly placed.
“H… hey doctor.” I don’t really want to talk, but something about him makes it hard not to talk as I gingerly take his offered hand. The doctor is wearing a pair of blue jeans and a nice looking, jean style button down shirt. His skin is a faded yellow and his wrinkle covered eyes still convey a sense of warmth and caring, along with his smile and body posture. “I… I guess we can.”
“Alright, but first would you like to lay down instead? And there is a refrigerator in case you get thirsty full of pops, juice and water.”
“Yea, I’d like to lay down, sitting in this is starting to hurt.” AJ helps get me transferred to the offered couch and takes the chair next to me as the doctor pulls his roller chair out from behind the table.
“Alright Moonshade, before we start I have to let you know about the rules. One; anything discussed in here stays here unless you, or your guardian allows me to or if I feel you are serious about committing harm to yourself or another person. Two; if you want to talk one-on-one, we can. Or if you want someone here to help you, they can attend as well. Three; you lead the discussions. If there is a particular topic you want to get off your chest feel free to talk about it, unless there is something I think is more pressing. And finally four; there is no cellphone use while you are here. You see that door? You will be required to turn your phone and any other device off and put it in that sheet. Do you understand these rules?”
“Yea, I do,” Once I answer AJ takes my phone along with hers and puts them in separate sleeves on the door sheet. “What… where should I… start?”
“Wherever you want to. But I can tell there is some tension between you and your guardian, so why don’t we start there?”
As I nod, her and AJ start to make their way to the door, but she is stopped by the doctor. “Luna, I think it best if you stay here and listen to this. It could help resolve this problem before it gets too bad.”
“If you think is for the better, she hasn’t spoken to me, or anyone really, in a few days.” As she sits down in the chair next to me I can’t help but glare and snarl a bit at her, which makes her cringe and sigh a little.
“Now Moonshade, what happened to cause you to be angry with her?” At his gentle prompting, the dam breaks, and all the anger that has been building inside me bursts forth, making me incapable to speak as I think back first to the conversation we had, then the hell my life has turned into.
“You want to know why I hate… her? Fine! She… she could be the reason why I… why I… why my life has been a living nightmare! I thought I escaped the horrors of my past but then she… she gave me a curveball from out of nowhere! She said she could be my actual... mother but had to… give me up! HOW… HOW COULD YOU… DO THAT, HUH BITCH? HOW COULD YOU JUST LET YOUR OWN CHILD BE TAKEN AWAY AND NEVER BOTHER TO FIGHT FOR THEM OR EVEN CHECK UP THEM? ON ME? IF I AM YOURS, I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY, KNOWING ALL THE… SHIT AND HELL I HAD TO DEAL WITH IS ALL… YOUR... FAULT!” As I finish screaming I am panting in a mixture of anger and exertion, my throat feeling dry as I glare daggers at the form of the woman next to me, who is visibly shaking.
The doctor just writes down a few notes calmly while observing us, but not interfering as he motions for her to respond. Weakly, and with her head hanging she just seems to deflate before looking up at me, her sad, tear filled eyes locking onto my own. “I know there is nothing I can say or do that can make up for what you went through, Moonshade, specially if I am your biological mother. The best I can do is explain what happened and hope that some day you can forgive me. I’m not looking to jump into a mother-daughter relationship, but I felt that you needed to know the truth, and it would be best coming from me. I-”
“You want something else as well, what is it? Do you… do you want me to forget all about the family that first tried to raise me and claim you? Why should I?”
“No, I don’t want that, and I only wanted to let you know the possible truth. I am glad that you found a caring family to take you in, and it breaks my heart to even think about what happened to them, and you.” Her head falls as if her neck muscles are no longer able to support it, and I can feel a bit of my anger drain some as I just look at her.
“You’re right. Nothing you can do or say will ever be enough to make up for those horrors I went through. I don’t even think I’ll ever be able to forgive you, knowing it was ultimately YOUR fault. I only have one question, why? Why would you give your child… me up so easily and not fight to get them back?”
“I was a… very different person back then, Moonshade, you first need to understand that. I was a drunk, a drug addict back then. After… after I… drove drunk one night and… and hit my sister, Celestia, killing her baby and ruining her chance to ever have a baby I just… lost it. I delved even deeper into drugs and alcohol and four years after the accident I… I found myself accidentally pregnant. Despite what I did to her, Celestia still took me in and helped get my life together. For the nine months I was carrying she kept me drug and alcohol free, but I could see that my growing belly only hurt her, reminding her of what she lost, all thanks to me. Once I gave birth and was released from the hospital I… I took my newborn baby and… ran, ashamed for what I put her through and quickly got myself back into my old, destructive life. It took her two weeks to find me.” With a sad smile she just looks at the doctor. “Can I… can I use the bathroom please.”
“Of course, Applejack will show you where it is, and where the refrigerator is. Get yourself a water or something to drink, and something for Moonshade as well.” As she gets up and walks out the door he turns to me once the door is closed, his words soft and comforting as he notices the tears starting to well in my eyes. “What happened in your past that hurt you so bad?”
I just look at him for a short amount of time and the waterworks finally switch fully on as I begin to speak. “My… my parents… my real parents… died while I was… young and I was… placed in foster care.” Even though I have only told AJ this, it doesn’t seem to get any easier as sobs and sniffing breakup the shortened version of my story. The shame causes me to sit up while bringing my good leg up to my chest, which is hugged by my still throbbing arm while my forehead is buried against the knee, my face hidden by my dark blue mess of hair. “I was… I was abused by the… two,families that took me in. They… they beat me, they… belittled me and they even… they… they RAPED ME!”
The doctor just looks on as I sit there, crying, feeling ashamed and dirty as flashbacks come to the front of my mind. I have no idea how long it takes but my eyes feel puffy, store and are stinging painfully as my nose feels like a waterfall of snot as my sniffling peters down, my throat feels like sandpaper as I try to swallow, but can’t produce any saliva. A couple tissues are handed to me, which I take with a small nod and wipe off what mucus hasn’t dried yet. At this point I finally realize that Luna has returned, handing me a bottle of water as the doctor speaks. “Moonshade, it hurts me to hear that something so bad happened to such a sweet girl, and I know you want to blame your suffering on someone other than yourself. But you need to blame those families, not yourself for something you could not stop or control. I do think you are a brave girl, for wanting to talk about this tragedy, to many children are afraid to speak up when they are abused or neglected. I want to see you again next week, same time and day, alright? I do have to unfortunately cut your time short, since I do need to follow up with Applejack as well.”
As he gets up and beckons AJ into the room, he lets us stay in here as they get as far from us as they can, which means they are sitting at his desk. Even with my thirst somewhat quenched by the now half empty bottle I can’t seem to get my sniffling or the few random tears under control. “Are you… are you okay, Moonshade?”
Startled by Luna’s question I just nod a little while keeping my forehead against my raised knee. It takes me some time to find my voice again, and I can’t hide the.... emptiness in my words. “Like I said, if… I don’t know… I don’t think I could… forgive you if you are my real mom.”
“I understand, Moon. Even if my sister has forgiven me for what I have done to her and I have forgiven myself for that event, I don’t… I don’t think I will ever be able to… forgive myself for giving up my own child either, no matter if you are her or are not.” A hand is tentatively placed on my knee, causing me to look up at her, her frown matching my own as tears start to make their appearance in her own eyes. “I did get a blood test requested, so we will know for sure in a few weeks. But no matter how it turns out, I hope you believe me when I say I truly want to help you, if you want it.”
Her opposite arm wraps lightly around my shoulders as I stay slumped, unable to look at her any more, though her gesture does seem to anchor the whirlwind of sadness and negativity in my mind. “I… I appreciate it, Luna, and thank you. I’m… I’m sorry I… I---”
“Shh, I understand. I shouldn’t have brought it up like I did, not without thinking how it would affect you. How about we put this behind us and try to start all over, okay?”