Cheese Sandwich (Author's Choice)
Alright, I know I've been a bit soft regarding my rants in this one but the next patient is one that I absolutely despise. You think Prince Rutheford was annoying and stupid? The next one, Cheese Sandwich is so stupid I'm surprised he can breathe without drowning in his own drool.
As you all know this idiot was the one who came into town, made Pinkie cry, caused her friends to become disloyal bitches and caused more chaos than Discord could ever dream of. Yeah, I get pissed off at Pinkie for not taking care of her teeth and conning the Cakes to pay her bills for her but still, she is an ELEMENT BEARER for Faust's sake. Here is how his appointment played out.
It was late in the day when he came in and I had already had an exhausting day filled with patients that don't take care of their teeth. As soon as he gets in he begins bursting into song about what a great party pony he is. Guess what, I don't give a fuck. He could be the best party pony in the world and it wouldn't matter to me any. After all, I work for a living and have better things to do than go to parties.
The very first thing I did when he got in was smack him and tell him to shut up. The second thing I did was tap on my sign regarding payments. He held up some sort of card claiming he had a way to pay. I took the card and he has something called "Party Planners Insurance." Before I was going to do anything I called them and asked them how much they covered on dental. Believe it or not but they claimed that they pay 90%. I figured that perhaps this wouldn't be such a bad appointment after all so once I got off the phone I took him back.
Like other ponies that don't give a shit about their teeth he was nervous about getting in the chair and opening his mouth. I had to use my magic to pry it open and get this, he somehow managed to have worse teeth than any patient ever. Yep, even worse than Bon Bon and Sombra. Every single tooth was rotten and cavity filled. What the fuck? How in Equestria does a pony let their teeth get this bad before coming to see a dentist?
I don't like this idiot to start with and when I saw this, I went into a fury. I began to savagely beat him! I beat him so severely that I gave him a horrible concussion and knocked every single one of those teeth out. I have decided that I will just lock him in my basement until Saturday so I can begin to give him implants. The cost of this will be astronomical though. The cost of each implant, the overtime fee, the weekend fee, the inconvenience fee and I'll bill him 20 times the cost of my meal breaks.
After keeping him in a constant state of sedation until Saturday morning, I began to work on him. Now with Sombra it took me all weekend because I made sure I did a perfect job with him since he did pay me in advance. With this idiot, I only did a half-ass job because who knows how much I'll really get out of him.
I got the procedure done by early the next day so I took him up front. Yeah he wasn't all that coherent upon checkout but I was looking forward to this. I hoped his insurance would cover the 90% they claimed and then he would pay me the rest. Well I ran it through and guess what, it was declined because the card had expired. Oh boy, I'm sure you know how I reacted to this. Now his total bill came up to 15,000 bits. Yeah I know it was only half of what Sombra had to pay me but hey, his teeth were a special case and he paid me in advance and you know I don't give change or credit!
After pumping him full of sedatives again I did some research. I learned that there was quite the demand for organs on the black market and the payouts are huge for them. I know I'm not a surgeon nor do I have the squeaky clean operating room that they do at the hospital but I decided to harvest some organs. I don't want to kill him but I did learn that a pony can function with just one lung and one kidney so those are what I went after.
While he was under full sedation I cut him open and took what I needed. Many may think that preserving those organs would be impossible but I knew of a few tricks. I read in a medical journal that by pumping anti-freeze and a glucose compound into livers and kidneys that they could be ‘super-cooled’ to 21 degrees* and preserved without actually being frozen. Don't ask where I got the anti-freeze from, I just had a feeling I might need some one day.
I sewed Cheese up and sedated him even further. I had to hurry up and sell those organs because they would have to be implanted in another pony in four days. I looked online and frantically searched for somepony who needs those organs. I found somepony in an hour and quickly set my plan in action. This pony lives in Canterlot and is very wealthy so after hogtying Cheese and throwing him in my basement, I headed to Canterlot.
Despite being wealthy, I had to meet with this pony and his banker in a dark alley. When I showed them the organs they gladly payed up. I got 150,000 bits for the kidney and 200,000 bits for the lung. Yeah I had to wait around until the following morning when the bank opened for them to give me a cashier's check but it was worth it. I have never made such a killing before in my life, woo-hoo!
Then I realized I had to get back home and probably have to put an obnoxious pony under again so I could execute the next part of my plan. When I got back he was screaming and yelling, wondering where he was. I was thoroughly pissed when I heard this so I smacked him and worsened his concussion. I kept him hog tied until late that night when I put him in a body bag and decided to haul him out to where he belonged, Tartarus.
When I arrived I had problems getting Cerberus to let me in but once he figured out I am a princess, he let me through. Like I said earlier, I am no fan of Pinkie Pie but Cheese made her cry and he is annoying. I hauled him down to the bottom most bowels of that place and put him in a cage before he woke up. After that I flew out of there and headed home.
Now regarding the check I was given. Despite me being a princess, I would still have to pay taxes on that income and that was unacceptable in my eyes. Want to know what I did? I traveled to the Neighmand Islands**, opened an account there and put my money in. I don't care what Tia thinks, I do not want my HARD EARNED MONEY being stolen from me. Despite Cheese being a royal pain, I was extremely happy after all of this was taken care of. Now if any emergencies come up I'll have some money abroad that I can access.