Second Person checked his cellphone for the time. Sour Sweet was running late for their meetup at Sugarcube Corner. Second smiled as he wondered what could be keeping his girlfriend. Overdoing some archery practice? The Crusaders suddenly got an idea for another video? Got pissed at some poor soul and started going after them? She was always unpredictable. That was what was so special about her.
While he waited for her to show up, he decided to glance around to see if anything interesting was going on. He watched as Mr. Cake wiped off some tables. He observed a blue-haired girl with sunglasses in her own little world as her head nodded to the beat coming in through her headphones.
He then noticed Sweetie Belle and Button Mash across the room. He remembered Sour telling him about those two getting together. Sweetie had finally gotten sick of being friendzoned by the oblivious gamer boy. To remedy the situation, she went right on up to Button one day and gave him a biggest smack on the lips that she could muster. Needless to say, Button had been wrapped around Sweetie’s finger ever since.
The scene of those two knocked one idea out, at least. If Sweetie Belle was here, then Sour must not be with the Crusaders.
“So what are you doing next Friday night?” Second overheard Sweetie Belle ask.
“I dunno,” Button Mash lazily replied. “Playing Minecraft and eating some Cheetos?”
Sweetie giggled. “Well, I have a better idea. How about you get all nice and cleaned up and join my family for dinner?”
Button shrugged. “Eh, alright.”
Sweetie’s brow furrowed. “Button, you do know that’s a big deal, right?”
“It is?” Button asked, piqued by his girlfriend’s shift of tone.
“Of course it is, Button!” Sweetie declared. “Formally meeting each others’ parents is the next big step in our relationship!”
Button scratched his head in confusion. “But we’ve only been a couple for a week...”
Just then, Sweetie’s phone buzzed. She checked it and quickly got up.
“Sorry, Button. Rarity needs some help at the Boutique right away. See you tomorrow.”
Sweetie kissed Button on the cheek and left. With his girlfriend gone, Button let out one of his childish groans and let his head bang down on the table. Concerned, Second got up from his table and strolled over.
“Hey, something wrong?”
Button glanced up. “Oh, hey. You're Sour Sweet’s boyfriend, right? It’s nothing.”
“Doesn’t seem like nothing. May I sit? Maybe I can help.”
“Aw, sure, whatever,” Button sighed.
Second took his seat across from the depressed freshman. “So, what’s on your mind?”
“I’m just worried about dating Sweetie Belle. This whole relationship thing is so complicated. Even more so than one of Cheerliee’s math tests!”
“I bet Sweetie’s just overly excited to be in a relationship with you, Button,” Second assured. “I’m sure if you just tell her your feelings, she’ll start to cool it down.”
“I guess you’re right,” Button pondered. “Sometimes I wonder why she even wants to date me for anyway, you know? What if I embarrass myself when I go have dinner with her family?” His eyes bugged. “Or what if she comes to my house and my parents totally embarrass me?! She could come to her senses and decide she’s wasting her time with me!” With that, he started to wail exaggeratedly and uncontrollably.
Second smiled and nodded with complete understanding. “Hey, look. I was in the same position as you once. Suddenly finding yourself in a relationship with a girl who’s way too good for you, worried about parents embarrassing the hell out of you, thinking that you’re a complete and utter loser…”
Button abruptly stopped wailing and shot Second an annoyed look. “I didn’t call myself a ‘complete and utter loser’.”
Second grinned and chuckled nervously. “Heh, heh… uh, let me tell you what happened with me, okay?”
****************
SEVERAL MONTHS EARLIER…
Sour Sweet pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. “Alright, let’s try this again.”
Second Person sighed. “Come on, Sour. This is hopeless.”
“I am NOT giving up on this! Now get your sorry behind over to Jet Set over there!”
Second nodded obediently as Sour started the stopwatch app on her phone. He inched nervously over to Jet Set. He gulped and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Hm?”
“Uhhhh, h-hey.” Second cleared his throat. “How ya doin’?”
Jet Set raised an eyebrow. “Fine, I guess.”
Second’s eyes shifted frantically as he tried to think up something to say before blurting with an awkward smile, “I have a dog! Do you have a dog?”
“I’m a cat person,” Jet Set said flatly.
“Oh… well, nice talking to you!” Second shouted before quickly scrambling back over to the emotional safety of his girlfriend’s side.
Sour tapped her screen. “Twenty-four seconds. Longer than the last attempt, at least.”
Second’s shoulders slumped. “I’m trying my best.”
“Second, what’s going to befall you if these communication issues aren’t resolved? End up a poster of subpar fanfiction starring some self-insert MARY SUE living a life you WISH you had?!”
“Come on, don’t even joke about that!” Second gasped. “That would be a fate worse than death!”
“Then step it up, mister!” Sour growled before looking around at the rest of the students in the hall. “Now, who to try next?”
“Wait, Sour. We’ve been at this for long enough. Can’t we call it a day and change the subject?”
“Fine,” Sour grumbled as she put her phone away.
“So, what do you want to do after school?”
“What’s your family having for dinner tonight?”
Second titled his head in thought. “Chicken alfredo, I think. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I’m your girlfriend now, right? Isn’t taking me to meet your parents part of the game? You’ve met mine.”
Second suddenly froze stiff and muttered, “Oh, um, yeah. I-I guess I can take you to meet them…”
A big, flirty smile came across Sour’s face as she leaned in closer to her boyfriend’s face. “I sense reluctance in your voice.” She abruptly grew furious, grabbed his collar, and snarled, “Is there a particular REASON you don’t want them to meet me, hm?!”
“No, no, no, Sour! It’s more like I don’t want you to meet them, actually…”
“Why? They can’t be that bad.”
Second sighed. “Look just… don’t mention that you aren’t interested in ever having kids, okay?”
Sour’s eyes squinted with annoyance. “And why would I not mention THAT exactly?”
“They’re sort of… old-fashioned…”
Sour rolled her eyes. “Okay, whatever.”
“Thanks, Sour,” Second expressed before taking advantage of their closeness and giving her lips a quick peck.
Sour’s face glowed scarlet and immediately shoved Second away from her. He slammed into the lockers, but the severe back pain was worth it, though. Second just loved how cute his bashful girlfriend was. The only way she could get more tsundere was if she muttered, “Baka” right then.
****************
Second Person escorted Sour Sweet to his house right after CPA let out. Second opened the front door and a small canine instantly shot out to jump up and yap at his feet.
“Hey there, boy!” Second greeted, bending down to pick the puppy up. “Sour, meet Bailey.” Second held him out and the Shih Tzu immediately began licking Sour’s cheek.
Bailey’s light brown fur wasn’t in the stereotypical, long and flowing style usually seen in dog shows. It was short cut, making him actually resemble a teddy bear. It took all of Sour Sweet’s pride and will power not to just break down in girlish squealing over the precious thing.
The two stepped in.
“Mom! Dad! I’m home!” Second called out. “I, uh, brought someone to join us for dinner.”
Mrs. Person rounded the corner from the kitchen, still wearing a frilly, pink apron. “Welcome home, son. And who’s your – ” She suddenly halted and gaped in what seemed to be utter disbelief. “ – friend? Girl? Girlfriend? Is that a girlfriend?”
“Yes, mom, that is,” Second confirmed awkwardly. “Meet Sour Sweet.”
“How do you do, Mrs. Person?” Sour Sweet warmly greeted.
Mrs. Person just continued staring until an excited gasp abruptly escaped her lips. “YES!!! YES!!! OH, FINALLY!!!” She then suddenly ran off up the stairs to find her husband. “HONEY, HONEY!!! HELL FROZE OVER AND SECOND’S NOT GAY!!!”
Second face palmed. “And so it begins…”
On the way to the dining room, Sour’s attention was caught by a wall full of framed pictures. Virtually all of them had as their focus one particular figure of which resembled Second, only not nearly as humble-looking. Most of the pictures presented the boy posing with a football, lifting dumbbells, or showing off his six pack abs for no particular reason. For crying out loud, he was even pulling his shirt up in a formal family portrait!
Sour’s nose crinkled. “Ugh, it’s like I can already SMELL the Axe Body Spray and douchiness. Who is this?”
“That’s my big brother, First Person,” Second informed. “He’s away at college right now.”
Second and Sour sat down at the table. Mrs. Person entered carrying the dish of chicken alfredo, all the while still displaying her ear-to-ear grin over her son finally having female companionship. Not too soon afterward, Mr. Person came in. He was wearing a blue cardigan over a shirt and tie, dress pants, impeccably shined shoes, with horn-rimmed glasses over his eyes and a pipe sticking from his mouth. He eyed the couple but instead of the over-excitement which his wife exhibited, his expression was more of amusement.
“So this is Second’s girlfriend?” Mr. Person asked before giving Sour a small poke in the shoulder. “You sure she’s not a mirage?”
“Dad, come on,” Second pleaded.
Mr. Person chuckled. “I’m only kidding.” He lifted his hand up. “Nice score, son!”
Second was compelled to high five his father without a single thought. He immediately regretted it as he noticed the death glare his girlfriend was giving him.
“So, I’m a ‘score’, am I?” Sour muttered under her breath.
Second gulped. Her tone was sweet but her eyes were screaming, “This is SO going into my next feminist blog!”
The meal started, but so did the questions. Mr. and Mrs. Person bombarded Sour with queries about every little detail about her. Thankfully, though, she managed to skirt around every instance where a mention of “schizophrenia” could rear up. After a while, Sour began to be visibly exhausted by the interrogation.
“You have to excuse our excitement, Sour,” Mrs. Person apologized. “You don’t know how hard we’ve tried to get Second to start being more of a man! Always asking him when he’s going to get a girlfriend. Reminding constantly how many girls his big brother was dating at his age. We even bought him a subscription to Maxim magazine to help encourage him!”
“Oh God, please kill me now,” Second groaned, shaking his head and slumping down his chair. “Just strike me down.”
“Well, sorry honey, but as much as I love Bailey, I would much rather being rocking a grandbaby to sleep than a dog,” Mrs. Person chuckled as she took a last piece of chicken off her plate and lowered it so Bailey could snap it up. “At least our hard work seems to have finally paid off!”
Mr. Person nodded with a satisfied chuckle. “That’s right, honey. Now he just needs to get on one of the sports teams, muscle up, and he’ll be just like his brother!”
A pain shot through Second’s heart. It was a pain which he had felt so many times before. One that he wished he could be numb to by now. However, he wasn’t.
“So true,” Mrs. Person agreed. “Surely then he’ll be the man Sour Sweet would be proud to cook and clean for!”
Sour suddenly began to choke on her food upon hearing that last statement.
“Are you okay, honey?” Mrs. Person asked with concern.
Sour cleared her throat. “Oh, yes, just fine. Alfredo’s really good, by the way…”
“That it is,” Mr. Person agreed, nodding. He then picked up the dish. “Who wants seconds?”
“Yeah, who would want Seconds…?” Second uttered to himself under his breath, glancing miserably over to Sour.
After dinner, Second took Sour to seek refuge in his room.
“Geez, when you said your parents were old-fashioned, I didn’t think you meant NINETEEN-FIFTIES old-fashioned.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about tonight.”
“No, no, I found it to be fascinating actually. Simply fascinating.” Sour began to pace back and forth in thought. “With my own eyes and ears, I got to witness the first-hand shaming of the cisgender male into patriarchal submission. Just wait until my blogger group hears about this!”
“Glad one of us enjoyed ourselves,” Second sighed as he plopped down on his bed.
“At least I now know why you lack so much confidence. Living in your brother’s shadow must suck.”
“First Person was the big man on campus back in the day. He and Shining Armor were pretty much the heroes of the Friendship Games four years ago. I didn’t hear the end of it when my parents learned that I wasn’t qualified to compete in this year’s Games. I could never live up to my brother.”
Sour sat down next to him. “So what if you’re not First? Being Second isn’t so bad.” Her hand took his. “It’s how you ‘scored’ me.”
“You know that I don’t see you in that way, right? I’m sorry that I high fived my dad like I did. I only did it because… well, I’m not used to being the one getting the praise around here, you know?”
Second glanced over to his nightstand. Sour followed his gaze to where a framed photo of both him and First was displayed. In the photo, First was holding up a huge, long, and not-so-subtly phallic-looking trophy with the words engraved upon it, “FIRST PLACE PRESENTED TO FIRST PERSON”. Second was glumly slumping next to him holding up a teeny, tiny, and insignificant trophy. Sour had to squint hard to make out the single word engraved upon it, “PARTISIPANT”. The trophy makers couldn't even be bothered to spell his correctly...
Sour frowned. “Do you really want to be like your brother?”
Second was silent for a moment, until he finally shook his head. “No. I want to be me… even though sometimes I don’t even know who that is…”
“I have a pretty good idea of who you are. You’re Second Person and whatever toxic masculinity your parents successfully pumped into your brother’s head, I’m glad it didn’t reach you because I love your kind and sensitive self just the way it is.”
“You really don’t care that I’m not a studly sports star with a six pack?”
Sour shrugged. “Why should I when you don’t care that I’m a mentally-broken bitch?”
“Sour, come on, don’t describe yourself in that kind of way. I can’t stand it when you put yourself down like that.”
Irritated, Sour flicked her clueless boyfriend hard in the forehead. “How do you think I feel when you put YOURSELF down, idiot?!”
Second couldn’t help but to chuckle at that. “We really work well together, don’t we? Usually it’s been me having to reassure you of your self-worth.”
Sour leaned in and gave him an Eskimo kiss. “Just returning the favor, babe.”
They hugged.
“By the way, do you still have those Maxim magazines?” Sour asked as they parted, her eyelashes batting quite suspiciously.
“Uh, yeah? I keep them in that drawer over there.”
“Not anymore you don’t!” Sour barked, shooting up to locate the nearest trash can.
****************
“See, Button?” Second concluded his story. “We may not understand why our girlfriends choose to waste their time with us, but as long as everyone’s happy who are we to question their judgment?”
“Thanks, Second,” Button expressed, already feeling better. “I really appreciate you talking to me like this.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Button got up. “Well, I’ve got to get going. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
The two shared a high five as Button left.
Just then, Second heard a voice behind him, “Hey, sorry I’m late!”
Second beamed with his girlfriend’s arrival, but that quickly turned into a gape as Sour Sweet came into view and sat down across from him. Her hair was a mess, her right eye was black, and her lip was busted with a small stream of blood trickling down. Despite this, her face was lit by a smile as though nothing was the matter.
“Uh, Sour?”
“Yes?”
“Care to explain?”
“Oh, the blood and the bruises?” Sour asked nonchalantly. “Got into a fight with some purple emo. She kicked my ass. Mentioned something about ‘a thousand years of fighting experience’. Pretty RANDOM experience, if I do say so.” She picked up the menu. “So what’s looking good tonight, hm?”
Second opened his mouth to press further, but Mrs. Cake then came over.
“What can I get – ” she cheerfully said before cutting herself off as she noticed Sour’s state.
Automatically, Mrs. Cake’s eyes wandered over to Second. Second flinched at the suspicious glare and was about to explain. That was, until he spotted the crack of a smile from his girlfriend.
“Don’t be too hard on him, Mrs. Cake,” Sour Sweet pleaded in her sarcastic tone. “I’ll learn not to talk back someday.” Thankfully, Sour made sure to give Mrs. Cake a telltale wink at the end.
Second couldn’t help but to smile. Sour Sweet was deeply flawed, unpredictable, and may very well get him arrested one day. Damn it did he love her, though.
THE END