//------------------------------// // The Ode to finding Help, sucks // Story: The Elements... And Me // by Doood //------------------------------// Chapter 3 It's strange, how easily life can be messed up in no time at all. If you need an example, just take a look at me. Or if you want a better example, just remember that there was another Steve on Blue's Clues that was better than the one now. But I'm getting off topic here. Last I checked, I was in a gingerbread house, conversing with magical equines, who had brought me to two liters of cherry soda. Which, I might add, was FUCKING amazing. But before anything else can be said. It was from the moment Twilight had said I was to stay here, with her and her friends, I grew silent, in a slow denial. I'm not the person to so easily give up. But with the things that have happened, and from what has been shown, I'm starting to think that going back to my bedroom is quite hopeless. She explained, that the magic she had used, was way beyond her skill. When I asked why she had even casted it in the first place, Twilight grew hot and looked away in embarrassment. Apparently, she was trying to show someone named Celestia, that she could master a master spell. Yeah no. Leave it to the masters. Seriously. From that point, she explained that I could've avoided this. Again, when asked why, she exploited my concern for their safety. Basically, if I hadn't been a concerned asshole, and tried to see if they were alright, I would've been okay. TALK ABOUT A FUCKING CHANGE OF ATTITUDE. So from there, I stayed silent, surprising almost everyone at the table as Twilight went on and on about magical powers and magic itself. Wish I could say I listened, but I got the point that I was pretty much stuck here. Oh joyous day. Hence and therefore, I needed the carbonated substance, courtesy of a guy named Mr. Cake. Thank you, you lower jaw specimen. Because all of what was happening around me was slowly becoming out of control. Though, asking myself when my life had ever been in control, caused a small migraine. So there, I stopped and started to sip away at my cold beverage. Where was I… Ah yes. The six equines. While I had been sipping like a king, Twilight, the pony I shall blame forever for this, asked, “So… Now that you're going to be staying here for… Uh… Quite some time, do you mind if I ask you your name?” I looked up and said with a straw in my mouth, “Actually, yeah, you can ask me what it is. But hell no, I ain't telling you who I am.” “And why's that?” I shrugged, “Don't you know knowing someone else's name is power?” Twilight blinked those violet eyes, “No… I hadn't thought of it that way before…” “Well, the more you know.” I said smugly. Twilight shifted in her seat, “Well, I hope you don't mind if I tell you mine. I, am Twilight Sparkle.” Pfft. “These are my friends,” Each time her hoof rested on another pony, that individual pony spoke up, “Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash (the fucking bitch of the group), Fluttershy.” After the quiet yellow one spoke up, Twilight blinked, “Wait… Where's Pinkie?” I raised my hand, “She’s over here? She like, announced she was sleeping on my lap. Thought y'all heard?” Smiling, I laid that same hand on the sleeping pink fluff, “She is my pet now, Pinkie 3.14 is her name.” Twilight blinked, “...Pi?” I groaned, “Dammit. You had to ruin it.” Twilight coughed, “Uh… Alright. So now that you know our names…” I narrowed my eyes as she giggled nervously, twirling an innocent hoof towards getting more info. Looking at all who she named, I could see that they had been silent for a reason. And it's for that same reason, that Twilight was insisting on getting a name from me. Stranger Danger. Sighing, I stroked Pinkie's mane, “You can call me Tick.” “Tick?” I shrugged, “Yeah. Yknow, like a clock?” “Or a parasite…” I took my napkin and threw it across the table, “PISS OFF, SKITTLES!!” Twilight caught the napkin with her magic and said calmly, “Tick. Alright… I'm guessing this isn't your real name?” I nodded whilst sipping on the soda, “Indeed.” She clopped her hooves together, “Well, at least we know each other now.” “Hardly, Twilight. I know only that you are a creature who bears an undying sense of knowledge and the stench of friendship.” “...Really? I do?” I shrugged, “No. But was I close?” Twilight blinked, “Quite. And because of so, you got me befuddled. So that's a point for you.” “YES.” I fist pumped and wiggled in my seat, continuing to sip on the drink. “Great. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Because now do we not only have to worry about our little adventure, but we got a Tick with us. Twi, how do we explain that to Luna? Or better yet Celestia?” Said the incorrigible Rainbow Dash. I grinned and leaned forward, “Sounds like someone's a little pissy. What's grinding your gears Dashie?” “Tick, I swear to Celestia, if you don't shut up.” Dash added with gritted teeth. “What, might I ask, will happen if I don't?” “The both of you, for the love of all things sunny, be silent, Rainbow Dash, stop antagonizing Tick.” Rarity grossed from across the way. I chuckled, “Thank you. At least one of your friends knows how much of a dick you are…” “Careful there Tick, we brought you into this world, and I can be the one to personally take you out…” I smirked, “Right. You'd have to catch me first.” Dash said smugly, “That, I can do.” Twilight looked between me and Dash, eventually sighing and rubbing her hoof across her forehead, “Dash… stop... I don't know. For once in a lifetime, I just don't know how to approach this.” Twilight said, her knowledgeable demeanor failing, “I hope you know that we did complete the spell.” She flicked her eyes to me, “But seeing Tick here… Girls,” I raised a hand, “And Guy thank you very much.” “...Right. But seeing Tick here makes up for a huge problem. One I didn't see coming… Like at all..” Snickering I slurped the rest of my soda, “You and me both. And I blame it on you.” “Noted. But… I'm more worried about other things right now, Tick.” Twilight added with narrowed eyes. “Like?” Twilight crossed her forearms and leaned back in her chair, “It… It can be dealt with later. Right now, I think you might want to start about looking for a place to stay, and someplace fast.” Dash looked rather smug, “Oh yeah Buddy. We got a huge storm coming our way.” “And how the hell would you know that Skittles. Please, fucking enlighten me.” I added with a wave of my hand. The pink ball of cute woke up from her nap, “Oh… Dashie is our very own weather pony! And the outside looks really mean!” Huh… So it does. I gasped and looked at Pinkie, “Really? What else is she?” Pinkie giggled, “Well she's..” “None of your business thank you very much.” Dash interrupted with a cross of her hooves, “The last thing I need is somepony else like him knowing more than he needs. For all we know, he could be a spy.” Pffft. Stupidest thought ever. I'm not spy. See, Heavy is spy, “Dammit. How'd you know?” I leaned to Pinkie's ear, “Pinkie 3.14, my cover has been blown. Commence action 23-19.” Pinkie leapt onto the table and gasped, “EVERYPONY EVACUATE!!!” I could barely contain my laughter as the cotton pinkster left the building, wailing those dreaded numbers. But my laughter was short lived when one of the mares cleared her throat, “Do you find this funny?” I wiped a tear and directed my gaze towards the one who had asked such silly question, “Indeed. You may not know it yet, Miss Rarity, but my fucks are just not given too often.” Rarity, the one I liked to think as the only one who hadn't done anything wrong, rolled her eyes, “Out of all the fifteen million you said there was of you, and we get stuck with the one for a lack of brains.” “And heart.” Rarity sniffed, “Fair enough. But riddle me this, Tick. You aren't in your world anymore. Here? Nothing is yours to play with. Right now, you have single hoofedly made an enemy of Rainbow Dash. A good friend of mine, and to many others.” As she continued, My expression grew dim, “I would sincerely advise you, sincerely, if you are to stay here for as long as you are, watch what you do. You don't want the wrong word spreading.” Twilight nodded, “Rarity is right. Tick, in a few days, my mentor will be coming to check on me. It's only natural for her to do so, but even more so now because I nearly couldn't get us back. When she comes here, you either have the choice of letting yourself known, or staying the way you are now.” My left eye twitched, “So.” I pulled out my pack of smokes and tapped it on the table, a cigarette poking out in the process. Within a second, I put it to my mouth and lit it, “It's a threat I'm hearing. Either wisen up, or? What?” I took a drag, “What could you ponies possibly do to me that hasn't already been done?” When nobody answered I continued, “Is it the fact of me not caring? Well fuck you, it's what I do, Miss Rarity, in times of stress. And for this, I need to be a fuck not less because this tops everything. Including the cherry.” I turned to Skittles, “For another, I could for sure care less if I was your friend or not. In truths, I don't need them. So please, spread the word. Your local jackass is in town. It would save me the trouble of having to push peop-… Fuck… Ponies away from me.” I sucked in through my teeth, “If I'm going to be in here for the long run because of your fault to mine? Then expect the worst. I've only just begun.” The whole shop was silent. I think it got to the point of where even the outside had stopped to press its ear to the window and listen. No wait, that was just Pinkie. She held a look of shock, and a distant stare of… Depression? The same could be said about the rest. I hadn't noticed, but we weren't alone in the shop. Aside from Mr. Cake, there were ponies in farther tables, trying to eat, but had been interrupted by my rant. I took in a puff, blowing out more smoke than I thought. After which, I coughed and put the cigarette on the table, held by my fingers, “So. There's a storm coming you say? Well, know anyplace I could crash until it blows over?” Dash sneered, “Definitely not my place.” I worked my jaw and closed my eyes, “Skittles, now… Is not the time.” Fluttershy, the quietest one of the bunch spoke up suddenly, catching me off guard and most likely the rest of them too, “I um… Have a spot… If you don't mind that is…” I glanced at her, and as soon as I did, she flinched, shying away beneath her mane. I took the cigarette, putting it out on my hand, “I don't. But do you?” It took a while, but she poked her eye from her locks, “N...no… I have plenty of room…” I smiled, “Well then it is settled. Unless,” I turned to the table, “One of you volunteers as Tribute?” Every pony at the table flushed and looked away, except for the cowpony. Applejack I think it was. She frowned, crossing her hooves and glaring at me with a eye most foul, “Sugarcube, if you treat Fluttershy with the same amount of respect as Dash, ya can expect a buck straight t’ yer grave.” I shrugged, “Good to know. Anymore threats before my, ‘marked for death ass’, walks out the door?” I raised a brow and fixed my button up, straightening it so that I wouldn't get chilled as I stepped out. “Yes actually,” said Twilight, who stood as soon as I did, “I want to see you at the Library tomorrow.” “What time?” “Six o’clock. Sharp.” I coughed, “Fuck that. Seven o’clock dull. No later.” Twilight looked flustered, “Bu… But that's breakfast!” I sighed, “Sorry Miss Sparkle. I am not an early person.” Fluttershy trotted out first, leaving me to tip my head, “Ta ta!~” I pushed open the door and stepped out. I was greeted, by dozens of eyes. Each holding different emotions, to which I could point out at being scared, shock (a most common emotion I've been seeing lately), and confusion. I fixed my collar, groaning internally. When they wouldn't stop staring, I shook my head and followed the now hovering Fluttershy, “God, y'all act like you've never seen something like me bef-… STOP STARING!!” I was talking to Fluttershy at first, but had to stop and yell at the ponies who had started follow us. Fluttershy gulped, “Well… If you don't mind me stating the obvious… But we haven't…” I put my hands inside my pockets, “Hmmph… Fear of the unknown and all speech. I understand. The least they could do is take a picture or something though. It's a lot better than putting a hole in the back of my head.” Fluttershy agreed with a small smile, slowing her flying so that she matched my pace. So, I've only seen pieces of this town. Which for iconic reasons, is named Ponyville. Hearing the name sends grins and giggles up my spine, so avoid using it to ensure I look less like a maniac. It was technically small in standards, having only few main buildings within the major portion of the center. Where all these damn ponies came from was beyond me. Probably inside those complexes in the outer portion of Ponyville. The Mayor of this little town in Equestria… E-Quest-Ria… God… Just… Kill me… The mayor of this town calls herself Mayor Mare. I know this now because I bumped into her on purpose. She was in my way reading some important shit, so I moved her. It wasn't a forceful shove, no. I just picked her up and put her down on an opposite side. Away from me. Well this led to her begging the soon to be annoying question of, “What? Hey...oh…” Cue the stare… Now cue, “What are you?” Ah. Great. I'll have you know that that question is rather rude and if you weren't technically a girl, I’d’ve punched you in the throat by now. But with a forced smile, I told her, “Nothing important Miss. I'll be on my way.” But of course some people… Ponies, don't like the way I speak to them, “Well… Excuse me!” She had caught up to me by stepping in front of my path, “I haven't seen you in Ponyville before!” I blinked, “Oh my god you haven't?” “No I haven't.” I said with a frown, “Probably because I just got here.” Good lord her face was priceless, “Y… Indeed?” I blinked and looked around, noticing the authoritive pin on her suit, time for a mindfuck! “Quite. See, I'm here on special business. I travel from town to town and evaluate its townliness.” Mayor looked quite flushed, “But that isn't for three weeks!” “Well there's a reason we are called, punctual, Miss.” I said punctuating each word. The Mayor fixed her glasses and chuckled nervously, “Well please, don't let me keep you… Sorry for being in your way, and If you ever need me, I shall be in my office.” I dipped my head and watched her go, taking glances behind herself to see me waving at her. When she was out of sight, I gasped and tittered, “Oh sweet jeezums, did you see that?” I turned to Fluttershy who was staring at me with concern, “Priceless!” “You love to see ponies suffer, don't you.” I held my sides and laughed, “Pretty much.” Fluttershy shook her head and flew away, causing me to stop my charade and follow her. But as we continued, I couldn't help but start laughing again whenever I remembered the remnants of pure, ‘what the fuck’, on the Mayor's face. Oh this was going to be fun. O.o.O.o.O The weather turned from happy go Sunshine's to shit in seconds. And from where I was, I could clearly see several pegasi pushing the storm clouds too. So that's how they did their weather? “Um… Wipe your… Hooves please…” Oh, right. It took Fluttershy and I a few minutes to get to her house. She wasn't that far from Ponyville really. It was just a huge climb up to where she lived. (Again, I am a terrible climber). Her house was kind of huttish looking. But as I wiped my feet off and stepped in, it was like Harry Potter all over again. The inside was bigger than the outside. However, don't get me wrong, the only thing weird was the copious amount of animals. A house isn't like outside, the wild. It's technically supposed to be the place of respite and constant relaxation. I don't want to step inside my house and find a fucking sloth hanging off the railing. It's quite the mind fucker that is. As Fluttershy came in, she shut the door rather quietly, soon after, the rain began pouring. And boy did it come down hard. I could've sworn I heard Skittles laughing above it all. But who's laughing now ya technicolor freak? I'm inside! Go suck a Lego. “Sorry about the mess…” Hearing her speak, I looked around. Aside from the animals about her living room, kitchen area and most likely upstairs, It was rather clean in here, “Mess huh? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were expecting someone.” Fluttershy giggled, “Well you can never be to sure. I always have Rainbow Dash stopping by, so I try my best.” “Indeed. It's even more challenging with your animals here too I suppose?” Fluttershy shook her head multiple times, “Oh goodness no. My animal friends help me clean actually,” Come again? Animals? Friends? Oh please don't tell me I'm dealing with a crazy cat pony… Person… DAMMIT!! “Nonetheless, I complement your skills, Fluttershy. Your house is pretty great.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fluttershy’s cheeks flush pink and an even bigger smile cross her face, “Thank you… Tick…” I shrugged, “Yep.” Outside a large flash, followed by a bellowing boom, sounded the whole abode. It all happened at once too, casting the lights of her different animals eyes flash a brilliant white. It startled me slightly, and even worse for the shy pony. After getting over the initial shock of the storm coming down on us, I looked around and took in the now detrimental fact that it was quite dark. Fluttershy walked forward and past the couch in the back. She reached onto the mantle above the furniture and grasped a candle. One magical match later and she had the candlelight going. Now all that was needed, was the fancy music and spare table. She walked over to where I was standing, a small smile evident, “Tick, how about I show you around?” I blinked, “That.. seems to be reasonable at the moment.” Fluttershy began her roomy tour with the two of us speeding past several animals, which I might add stopped and took their time to stare. We entered the kitchen first, and as we moved to and fro, I eyed the room. It was small, the keyframe of it being small. It actually surprised me in such a way that I looked behind me and thought about how she could feed so many of her animals. Fluttershy went on about how she cooked in this room, using her hoof to show different areas, “Here's the fridge…” “I knew that. My best friend is a fridge.” Fluttershy blinked, “Your… Best friend? I thought you said you didn't have any friends?” I coughed, “Ouch. That hurt somewhere unmentionable. Moving on. Oh! I see you have a fucking toaster, that's cool.” Fluttershy jumped at the topic switch and stuttered, “Oh.. Yes… The toaster…” From there, we went from the kitchen to her living space. She moved around the room and pointed out different spots that her animals lived in. She even hushed me when I tried to point out that there was a snake just chilling on the coffee table. I fucking hate snakes. But besides that, she surprisingly didn't wise up and point to the couch, telling me that I was going to be sleeping there tonight. So imagine my surprise when we moved towards the upstairs portion, showing me just the one bedroom and bathroom. “Here's the bathroom…” I raised a brow, “Am I sleeping in the tub?” Fluttershy rolled her eyes and for once didn't comment. Dammit… She must be learning my sarcasm… “This is my room. Tonight, you'll be sleeping here.” I backpedaled, “Huh? Wait what?” Fluttershy turned and smiled, “The pillows and sheets have been washed, so I can assure you that they are clean.” I sputtered, “But that's your room. I'm fine with the couch! Hell, throw me into the tub please.” Fluttershy giggled, “That won't be necessary. You can throw yourself into the bed by yourself. It's just for one night Tick, no need to worry.” I crossed my arms and grumbled, “I wasn't… Worrying…” “Right. And I'm brave.” I scoffed, “Alright, fine. Fine. May I at least have one request?” Fluttershy stopped at the head of the steps, “Yes?” I pointed to the bathroom, “Can I use your shower? I probably smell like ass so..” Fluttershy nodded, “Of course. The towels are already on the rack, I'll wash them in the morning.” I watched as she disappeared, her candlelight dancing away. After, I turned and sighed, stepping into the cramped shower room. In short, it was rather squished together. More so on the fact that everything was in reach. So say I wanted to take a shit, which I did, I could then easily stand and wash my hands, or shower right after. Anyways, I began the pre-shower ritual. My clothes were damp, and smelled of horse. Which combined, smelled all too much like ass. So I planned on getting my clothes wet, and dried while washing. I guess the boxers could stay the way they were. Nothing should be said for the shower, other than the pale yellow color. And even that is too much to be said about it. Don't even get me started on her mane products either... As I stepped into the small compartment, I looked around for the water knobs and spotted them closer to the ground. Blinking, I bent down and stopped midway after my ass squeaked against the plastic. I closed my eyes and sighed, eventually finding a way to count to twenty. After that small export of steam, I bent further and turned the water on. Either I'm stupid, or stupid is me? Cold water hit me first, and needless to say, I may have, and I may have not have screamed like a bitch, twirling that damnable knob so that it was off. After standing there shivering for a few minutes, I stepped out and this time stood away from the spouts of water. Testing the water to make sure it was hot enough, I grunted in relief and allowed the water to take me away. “Um… Tick?” Fuck. “Yes?” Fluttershy’s timid response, “I… Um… I think Angel Bunny is in there…” I spit some water out, “What? Angel who?” Fluttershy raised her voice, “Angel Bunny! I think he might be in here!” I sighed and threw the curtains aside, “Should I be concerned?” “Well… He might have to get out…” For the love o- oh… “I think I found him!” Yeah… The bunny… Shit. He was under my pile of clothes. Currently, said pile was moving on its own towards the door, banging against it repeatedly. “Yeah, he's at the door! Imma hop in the shower real qu-” I could say nothing further as Fluttershy opened the door as I turned my back. Regardless of what was going to happen, My mind went into, ‘Oh Fuck’, mode. No one. And I mean no one. GETS TO LOOK AT MY ASS EXCEPT ME. I threw my arms out, barreling past the shower curtains and face planted the shower wall, insomuch that it knocked the breath away from me, causing a, “Pfffbbbtttt!!!” But I forgot that the curtains were the drag alongs, so instead of the curtains tearing off like I had planned, the bastards instead gayly moved to the left, leaving my slumped form exposed. “Oh Angel… Bunny… oh…” Y’know… I think god is laughing at me. Either that's him, or Skittles. O.o.O.o.O I'm going to say, that I feel so sorry for that poor creature. To see such a beached whale was quite unacceptable. Regardless, I admire her quick actions of scooping her bunny and slamming the door in two seconds. Kudos Fluttershy. Kudos. I didn't see her for quite some time after that. It was only until nightfall did she decide to show her muzzle. And even then, it had a blush. For what reason, I didn't know. And I was not to find out anytime soon. But what I did find out, was that shy pony, was cook pony. And cook pony, is now favorite pony. She made me the best meal of what I could assume was a healthy salad and the side of some sort of fries. Either way, both dishes were amazing. After dinner, she went to bed. Simple as that I guess. She took that white bunny of hers and fell the fuck to sleep. I followed shortly after, taking a few moments to have a smoke outside. The rain had cleared up, and my clothes were drying on the clothesline Fluttershy said she had. So there I was, stoic as all hell with just my boxers. Felt pretty damn proud about myself right then. After taking a long pull, I put the cigarette out with a flick and went back inside, shutting the door with minimal effort. But when my eyes laid on the sleeping equine. I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret. It only came natural when I was about to sleep in her house really. But Am I really about to take her hospitality to the edge? I did show her my ass… BESIDES THAT. I feel it's only right that the owner sleeps in their own bed. God that sounded cliche as hell. Her animals were stretched in various positions around her, even the snake, taking its throne on the table. So with careful steps, I tiptoed around the sleeping animals and stopped in front of Fluttershy. I had to physically stop myself from puking rainbows when I saw how fucking adorable she was sleeping like that. So the rainbow puking had to wait. I didn't want another Skittles on this plain. She held her bunny tight, both snuggled under a pink fluffy blanket. I stooped to their level and bit my lip as I shifted the blanket under Fluttershy, picking her up in the process. Amazingly, she wasn't all that heavy. So I had no problems in taking her up the stairs. Now, when I put her in her bed, I about had a heart attack when she stirred. But the only thing she did was grasp for her pillow and nod back off again. So with my heroic deed done, I crept from her room, shutting her door with the same amount of effort as before. As I made my way downstairs, I smiled faintly to myself, maybe this wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I laid down on the couch and threw the blanket over myself, finding comfort within seconds. This was alright I suppose. Maybe tomorrow would be better than today, and hell, maybe I would find myself back home. Pfft… right… as if… But it… Would be nice...