Chapter 2
Alright. So have you ever felt like you were… Squeezed? Besides that one time you were hugged to death. Well, let me clarify that actually, make it more visual. Imagine being shoved into the dryer, now that dryer is being stuffed into a tin can in which that tin can is being shoved through a keyhole the size of a pinkie finger.
That description best fits the feeling of discomfort in my chest and basically all around me. If I had to take a guess why, would have to be based on when I opened my eyes to see what was causing such a discomfort. Which believe me, I already tried doing. But it was like pepper spray. It burned.
Now, I wasn't only feeling discomfort, no, I was actually feeling quite brittle, like right after eating too many gummy bears. The feeling of being able to break at any moment.
So you could guess that I was scared shitless to do anything right now. But that brought me time to reminisce on what was going on around me through my closed eyes.
There was a slight breeze, which in itself, carried the smell of crisp apples, surprisingly enough; cake batter, and vegetables. It actually smelled like I was in Grammie's house, and she was cooking me some dinner. But it was the noise that turned my hopes around. Several voices, combined with multiple shouts of shop owners goods, spiked my curiosity even more.
“Fresh Carrots!”
Oooooooohhhn…. Now I'm hungry. C’mon, wake up ya lazy bastard.
Such a small task equaled to be quite a challenge, eliciting a horrid groan and a flare of pain everywhere. But pissing off midway of trying to sit up, was not about to happen.
It hurt, yes, but I could tell I was done when I couldn't lean forward anymore. Now all that was required of my lazy self, was to ‘look’ around.
I started slow, pushing down the desire to curl back into a ball and start screaming at how bright everything was. But I needed to find out just what the fuck was going on.
Last I remembered, and take note I was groaning while remembering this, were the… Ponies… That invaded my house. I remember the fact that they were about to leave… And then… Nothing. My mind is blank after that.
Well shit, guess I'll figure it out sooner or later.
Now that the damn sun glare had worn off, I could finally see everything. Not to mention, ‘move around’. I coughed slowly, taking in the view around me with a growing sense of shock.
What? See how you feel if you wake up on top of a house. I wasn't on a porch, nor was I in a room, or at least inside the house. I was simply stuck on top of a roof, wedged in between the shingles and the top of a chimney.
That's probably a reason I couldn't move…
The view was nice though. Morning sun, the birds were chirping, the awesome smell of Grammie kept me smiling, and that the house I was on was rather isolated. It was peaceful.
Blinking, I stood, carefully. I didn't want to become a pancake so early in the morning, so yeah, no falling. Once my legs couldn't bend upwards any further, I shakily worked my arms loose of their loss of blood. It was bad enough my foot had the prickles when your blood rushes in to fast.
Thankfully, the red shingled rooftop held my weight, and as I looked around more, I realized I couldn't put my tongue on where I was exactly. At least I wasn't sore anymore.
It was a town. Or maybe a village at that, I surmised a village being the better option because normally towns don't have people screaming at you to buy their shit. That's what the signs are for.
The buildings looked rather odd in my opinion, considering that they… Well they looked old timely. I mean, have you ever compared a new house to an old house? Well, people back in the old days knew how to build their houses. It was mandatory actually. Most of the time, it was for the fear of something tearing their houses down. Like natural reasons or physical reasons.
So the people back then had to know how to build. It was either that, or they could kiss their land goodbye.
Nowadays, people build crappy houses on purpose. They actually want your house to break just so you can pocket less coin in making your crappy house, even crappier.
But hey. That's just me.
Nonetheless, that whole spiel is what I was getting from this rooftop and the building across the… Gap. So the building I was on, was across from a… Village hall of some sort. Huh, that's interesting actually.
I made sure that each step I took, was alright, and I wouldn't slip. I had to see more than just this rooftop. And judging from where the sound was coming from, I just had to climb a little bit.
Easier said than done if not for the fact I was missing one of my shoes…
BUT I CARRIED ON!! Or I at least tried to. This shingles were slippery, let me tell ya. I managed, however, to grace myself in reaching the top. I grabbed the flat portion, hoisting myself up so that I flopped myself on my ass.
When I was done regretting my life's decisions, I took my time laughing about how stupid this was and sat up. Let's just say, that I wasn't laughing that much when I saw them.
Holy shit… my eyes, although still reeling in the fact of how bright it was, widened, allowing my tired mind to soak in the indenting fact that, Dorothy… I'm not in Kansas anymore…
Far from it.
Ponies. Just so many Ponies. Ponies literally everywhere. They were chatting peacefully under cafés, some were flying in between clouds. Hell I think I saw one with headphones walk into the center square and walk out bobbing its head to some kind of beat.
Was this like a messed up Zootopia? I mean god, I don't want to be anything right now other than sane! I figured that the building I was on was actually another food point, and that the square had everything food related to it. So a food square basically. Great.
I stood, my mouth slowly hinging and unhinging from the lo and behold moments that occurred every two seconds. Now and then, I'd spot a new pony, I'd focus on that singular creature and slap myself silly because half the time, that same pony did things normally I would do.
Now, even though I could, could being a very key word, get used to seeing them. I
can't seem to figure out how they weren't a dull color. Like brown or grey. Because to see a fucking bright green unicorn talking to the pinkest red stallion?
Uh… No. Just… No. First off, WHERE THE HELL WAS I? Second off, ERMAGERD!!! PONIES!!!
Alright, think I'm done for n- FAIRY GOD PARENTS!!
Now I'm done. Wait… Looking to my left, I watched as a regular pony tied off by balloons, do a Mary Poppins, eventually floating out of sight.
Oh dear god...
“TURNIPS!! GET YOUR TURNIPS RIGHT HERE!”
Eww… Hate those things… I leaned forward, spotting a street vendor not so far below. He had a few ponies lined up for his stock, each of them reaching into their… Purses… Wait, wouldn't it technically be a saddlebag then?
Well, they reached into their saddlebags and pulled out… GOLD?!? PLEASE TELL ME MY EYES DECEIVE MEH!
I immediately got to my hands and knees, watching in agape shock as, yes indeed, these ponies made gold appear and disappear just as quickly. Was that their currency?
Man, I need to get in on this, maybe sell it to the highest bidder when I… Get… Back…
Holy shizzles… TOPIC SWITCH! My mind over clocked, I was in a land filled with ponies, unicorns and pegasi….
Weren't those six I saw earlier just like the ones I'm seeing now? Twilight… That… Purple horned menace… Said she fucked up a spell of sorts… Wasn't it teleportation?
I clutched my chest, a slight breeze trickling past me again. This time, I noticed something off, looking down, I could see a hole the size of a dollar. It cut into my shirt and came out through the back. Great… My only good button-up, ruined…
Memory flashes later and I remember the spell she casted went wrong, again… But it didn't just affect the six, I got caught in it too.
I sat down on my rump and blinked a few sets of times, trying my hardest and failing to see how this was even remotely possible. It just didn't make a lick of sense!!
Am I… was I just…. Teleported to where those ponies lived?!
Dammit… I slammed my hand on the rooftop, slowly feeling my anger begin to rise. Those… Ponies… I swear if I get my hands on them…
Before I could boil any further, My hand instinctively reached into my pockets, fishing out my pack of smokes. While putting one up for a flame, my other hand fished out the lighter.
Next thing I know, I'm calmer and smoking on top of a roof that I didn't own, inside of a land filled with equines. Funny how life works.
I guess you could say I was blowing off some steam.
Wait… Would that work since I'm… Nevermind.
After taking a drag, I held it in and took another glance around, seeing as how I had another goal to beat. Getting the hell off this roof.
Both sides had a pretty steep drop, one being onto the turnip guys stock, and the other onto the cold ass street. Standing, I carefully made my way back to one side of the roof, mindful of not letting myself be seen.
When I made it to the side with the straight plummet, I glanced down and decided that this way, wasn't going to go right if I didn't know what I was doing.
Basically, the straight plummet included clotheslines, a few window spots, and of course, the lovely street. Now, my mind, wanted to be badass and jump into the house through a window.
But I quickly slapped myself and reminded good old mind that I was a shitty climber and that would only result in me gracefully breaking my spine.
Another Drag.
Maybe I could catch myself on the clothesline? But wait, normally that ends bad for some people and they lose their manhood, if you catch my drift. Besides, I think that catching hold onto a clothesline only works in cartoons.
Heh… Cartoons...
This would work every other way if the building was surrounded by even more buildings. But for some reason, a fucking idiot pony…. Or whoever built houses, decided that making a singular house in the middle of a food square was a good idea.
Again. That pony, is an idiot.
So with nothing to do but jump on that side, I turned on heel and made my way back up to the top to see if I could do anything better.
Quite frankly, this side looked fairly better, and that's what scared me. It was that I had only this side to go down, and it included me introducing myself to about… Oh I don't know… Every single pony?
I crossed my arms and sighed, smoke billowing out, floating away into the clouds. So it was either down this way… Or jumping the fuck off the building…
I put out the cigarette with my foot, (My one shoed self), glancing around like someone was watching me and shook my head,
“I must be going crazy…”
Know one thing, I believe I mentioned once or twice that I was a terrible climber. Well, that and I have a tendency to make dramatic entrances. If you put to and too together, you'll see what I'm talking about.
Now, buildings, as a whole, have one thing most landscapers hate having to clean out. If you're having a hard time guessing, the answer is Rain Gutters. Well, I was lucky to find one that draped down the side of the building and into the square.
All I had to do was slide down it. Simple.
Yeah no.
This particular rain gutter was actually metal, combined with sweat and the indecencies of the day time, and you get a most foul sound possible.
So one question for you, have you ever slid down a metal slide and heard it squeak? That really long, continuous and quite frankly, annoying ass squeak? Well then you feel my pain.
See, I got to the gutter and fastened myself so that I would be able to grip it, basically so I wouldn't not fall off. What followed, was a 5’9 idiot hugging a pole for dear life as said idiot squeaked the hell out of everyone's ears.
Needless to say, I wasn't able to get down without attracting attention.
At first, one pony glanced my way, his ears swiveled inward to try a block out the noise. He would've done so, if he hadn't noticed me first. Humorously, his mouth dropped open in shock and he wasn't watching where his… Hoofing was taking him. Said stallion fucked up big time and bumped into another pony, the both of them tumbling onto the asphalt.
And pretty much, from there, it turned into your typical, “What the, hey… Oh…”. It didn't take long for the pony to notice me and so on and so forth. Not to mention, the whole time, that damn squeaking sound kept going…
When my feet touched the ground, I shook my arms loose, looking around with a raised brow. I was definitely the crowds attention at the moment. When I had been rid of any dust on my shirt, I reached for another cigarette. At this rate I'll run out… poping it in, I raised my voice,
“Well? The fuck are y'all looking at?”
Either it was the way I presented it, or because it was typical, but most of the ponies around shook their heads and went back to their business. The phrase I heard repeated more than once was, “Minotaurs…”
Damn. That's pretty bad actually. I've seen what Minotaurs kinda look like in mythology. Mean bunch of bastards… ugly too.
Once I had been sure they, the ponies, weren't looking, I lit myself and walked into the square. One small step for me without my shoe, one giant mindfuck figuring out what the hell was going on...
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and trudged briskly though the crowd, casting my eyes around for anything that could give me a clue of where I was, or where I should go. I locked gazes with several of this towns residents and had to tear my thoughts away from how social bound these ponies actually were.
Because I was pretty sure I saw a… What are they called… Foals? Yeah, I saw a foal on the back of another stallion. Heh… Horseback rides. Regardless, I also saw a few other things that stood out indefinitely, like one of those pegasus things pushing a cloud underneath a tree, and then taking that same cloud and laying on top of it.
Yeah fuck that. My mind? Blown.
Though tye structual things that stood out the most, out of any pegasus or foal, was a barn in the distance, a huge tree across a bridge with a door attached to it, the forest all the way behind that Town Hall thingy, and my personal what the fuck favorite. A Gingerbread house.
It looked so good, that I could just EAT IT!!! But it was a… Building. Like there were ponies inside of it. Regardless of hunger, it would definitely look weird if I, Om non nom’d a building they visit frequently. And what was awesome, was that it was right across the street!
Again, I wanted to Hansel and Gretel my way over there, but stopped. I had been so focused on my hunger pains, that I completely missed a few key elements.
For one, and as stated before, I was indeedly hungry. Another, was them. The them. Like, the ones who may have, may haven't have gotten me into this catastrophe.
The pink one, yellow one, Skittles, Twilight, the nice white one and that Cowpony. All sitting together chatting. I took a seriously long drag, my anger rising and falling dramticaly. There those fuckers were, and here I was. And not only did they look rather calm, they were all sipping on tea!!
THE NERVE!!
I folded my arms and looked through the glass again. How was I going to approach them this time? Take one of the ponies staring at my back and chuck them through the window? No… To weak to do that…
Hmm...
Fuck it.
I cracked my neck and made my way to the Gingerbread door. Pushing on it, I shifted the cigarette to the side, my eye narrowing in on the ponies as the door twanged an all to familiar bell.
“Ooh! Hurry up! We have another customer!”
As the doors swung shut, I breathed out, billowing some smoke into the room. The sound of clopping was distinct, and sooner rather than later, a strange stallion appeared at the counter.
He wore a square hat, with similar clothes to that of one who actually bakes. The only strange thing that set him off from others, was his strong lower jaw. And the fact that he was yellow.
He came out smiling, “Howdy! What can… I get for you… Sir?”
His smile faded rapidly upon seeing me. Figures. Regardless, I held his attention, and the attention of the six ponies who turned my world upside down. So I smiled, taking the rest of my cigarette in a quick puff,
“If you got any soda, cherry. Please. These ponies,” I jutted my thumb towards the slack jawed mares, “Can cover the cost no doubt.”
The baker blinked, “Uh… Okay… Cherry Soda. HONEY!!” I watched in grim satisfaction as he took off in a gallop.
With him out of the picture, I turned to look for a chair. Finding one easily, I took that and scooted it to the open spot near the six seated assholes. After trying my hardest to get comfy by scooting back an forth, I coughed, causing more smoke to flow out.
Now done, I took the cigarette and put it out on the table, stuffing the rest in my side pocket. After, I sniffed, leaning back in the chair.
Each of them held varying levels of shock except for Skittles, who in all truths, looked ready to bite my head off. Yeah well suck it. My turn to be a sincere ass.Actually… When am l not?
“So, You girls best start explaining. At the moment, I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here.” When they all blinked I continued, “You,” I said turning to Twilight, “Seem like you know what happened.”
Twilight opened her mouth and closed it just as quickly. But before she could try again I stopped her,
“I swear to god, if you say you fucked up your magic spell, there will be hell to pay.” She said nothing, and her silence was very disheartening.
“Hey! Who're you to think you can come in here and start bossin’ us around?” I take it Skittles doesn't like me raising the tables. She was pointing a hoof at me, to which I shrugged,
“I'm just trying to get answers. No reason to yell.”
“But y-”
I crossed my arms, “Besides, I wasn't talking to you. Was I skittles?”
She stuttered, “No bu-”
“Then shut it. Can't you see Twilight and I are having a very intelligent conversation?”
Twilight chuckled nervously, “Uh… Heh…”
I laughed, “See! I'm having a great day, thanks for asking!” As the group looked amongst each other I shook my head, “Woke up on a roof, saw you six and I just had to say hi.”
I gestured outside, “Oh but the ponies were nice, staring at me like I was a worn out fashion. I don't blame them either. To you, I'm probably a freak.”
Rainbow gritted her teeth, “That's not the only thing you are.”
My eye twitched, “Yes, and if you are intent on finding out what I am truly, piss me off even more, I dare you.”
When the room grew silent, I looked about the table again, “Look, I can tell that I really don't belong here. And if I stay, I can tell you truthfully, that Skittles and I will be at each others throats within three days.”
“Two because of your damn attitude.” She commented snidely.
I rolled my eyes, a groan escaping my mouth, “Oh fuck off. Regardless.” I turned to the unicorn across the table, “I need to go back. I know we just met and all and yes, this has been a delightful time of… Wherever the hell I am...Cast your spell, get me the hell out of here.”
Twilight twiddled her hooves and bit her muzzle. I watched with eyes of stone as she began,
“Alright… You, want to go back?”
“Thought I made it obvious.”
“Well. Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?”
I pursed my lips, “I would prefer the good news first.”
Twilight sighed and said with eyes of regret,
“The good news is, I Welcome you to Ponyville, Equestria.”
I blinked, “The… Bad news?”
Twilight said slowly, “Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria. You’re… Staying here for a while…”
Man, What a morning.