//------------------------------// // K is for Kindle // Story: The ABCs of Harmonic Death // by Vertigo22 //------------------------------// On a clear, Summer evening in Neighbraska... “I asked for this to be done an hour ago!” A purple coated unicorn stallion with a large cigar for a cutie mark screamed. He slammed his forehooves onto his desk and glared angrily, his veins nearly popping out of his head. “Now, explain to me why it isn’t!” “I-I’m sorry, Brent,” a young earth pony stallion said as tears streamed down his face. “Y-You see, the copying machine was out of ink, and-” “Oh, shut up,” Brent growled. He levitated a coffee cup up to his lips and took a sip of it before he hurled it at the cowering employee. “If you can’t be bothered to go and get more ink from a fucking supply closet, then give me a reason why I shouldn’t fire your worthless ass right now!” “B-But there was no ink in the supply closet,” the stallion whimpered. “I checked everywhere!” Brent cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, really now?” He asked. “Well, then let me ask you this.” The stallion cleared his throat and inhaled deeply. “Why didn’t you go buy some from the store down the street instead of wasting my damn time?!” “I barely make enough bits to get by,” the stallion whimpered, “and you want me to spend what little I pay on restocking your ink?” Brent nodded and glared angrily. “Do you have a problem with that?” The stallion nodded. “Then you’re fired!” Brent slammed his forehooves on the desk again. “You worthless sack of crap!” --- Meanwhile, outside in the break room stood two earth ponies. One with a sky-blue coat and a stack of papers for a cutie mark, and one with a light green coat and a pen for a cutie mark, watched as the young stallion hurried out of Brent’s office, his eyes red from crying. “Geez, that’s the fifth intern we’ve gone through this month,” the sky-blue coated earth pony stallion said. “Here I thought we couldn’t beat last month’s record.” The bright green coated one turned to his co-worker. “Cylen, Brent has beaten his record ever since he took over as the head of this damned company,” He said. “First, it was two, then three, then four.” “True,” Cylen replied. “Why hasn’t somepony reported his behavior?” “I think it’s because he has ties to really powerful ponies,” the green coated stallion said. “At least, that’s what I heard.” “Oh well, not my problem,” Cylen said. “And if he fires us?” “Zeke,” Cylen said with a blank expression, “We get paid little to nothing.” “Your point?” Zeke asked “We could be next in line to run the company.” “I still don’t see your point.” “We’re high up on the food chain, and we get paid nearly the same as an intern.” “And if you get promoted to CEO, you can change that!” Zeke said happily. “Yeah, but I don’t want to be CEO, I’d rather slack off like I usually do,” Cylen replied. “For all I care, Brent can throw me out a window.” “How did you ever get to this position again?” “Our last boss was as smart as a plate of scrambled eggs,” Cylen remarked. “Heck, I don’t even know what my job is.” “How have you not been fired?!” Zeke yelled. “Brent’s usually too busy being angry to acknowledge my existence.” Cylen chuckled to himself. “I do question how other higher ups haven’t caught on, though.” Zeke walked over to a wall and slammed his head against it. “Oh, Celestia please save this company.” “I don’t think she cares,” Cylen said. “If she did, she would’ve probably torched this place to the ground.” Zeke turned around and glared at Cylen. “It’s an expression.” “She still doesn’t care.”  “Fine, if you wanna be like that, how about Luna?” “I think she cares less.” “Fine,” Zeke said. “How about Mi amore Cadenza?” “Who?” Zeke shook his head. “Crystal empire?” “Never heard of it,” Cylen said. “Where’s that?” “Never mind,” Zeke said. “What about Princess Twilight?” “Maybe she’d care a bit,” Cylen said. “Wait, is she the one who raises the moon?” Zeke’s right eye twitched. “Cylen.” “Yes?” “You’re hopeless.” “My mother told me that a lot.” Zeke fell to the floor and buried his face in-between his forelegs. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” A pony growled. “Slacking off, I see.” Zeke jumped up and turned around. “O-Oh, hey Brent!” He said nervously. “Cylen and I were just on break, and I, uh-” “Can it,” Brent growled. “Get back to work.” “Our break doesn’t end for another ten minutes,” Cylen said. “What gives?” “Aren’t you the moron who works in marketing?” Brent asked. “The one who does nothing unless somepony knocks on your office door?” “Uh… no?” Cylen said nervously. “That’s, uh, somepony who looks like me.” Zeke rolled his eyes and sighed. “Brent, why don’t-” “And aren’t you the idiot who couldn’t be bothered to file papers because he was whining about a headache and allergies?” “Hey, I can’t help that I’m allergic to pollen!” Zeke snapped. “Oh, boohoo.” Brent turned his back to the two employees and waved his hoof. “I already fired somepony today, so I’ll let you two off the hook.” The boss turned his head and grinned. “Until tomorrow, then you’re fired.” Zeke stared slack jawed as his boss walked away, a smug grin on his face. “Welp, time to pack my things,” Cylen said as he walked away. “Talk to you later, Zeke!” Zeke shook his head. “You don’t care you just lost your job?” He asked. “Like, at all?” Cylen turned around to face Zeke. “Did you forget I said that we get paid little to nothing?” He asked. “I’m pretty sure the local bakery pays more. I’ll get a job there.” “And your cutie mark?” Cylen cocked an eyebrow. “What about it?” “A stack of papers and a bakery. What do they have in common?” “Well, maybe I can file tax returns for them,” Cylen said with a small smile. Zeke walked over to a nearby table and bashed his head against it. “You’re the dumbest pony I’ve ever met!” “My father told me that a lot.” “Just stop,” Zeke grumbled. “I’m going to go and try to talk things over with Brent.” “Wait, what?” Cylen laughed. “Why do you want to do that?” “I don’t want to lose my job!” Zeke snapped. “And before you mention our pay, I don’t give a crap.” Cylen chuckled to himself. “Whatever,” He said as he turned his back to his co-worker. “Tell me how your little chat with the boss-man goes.” “Will do,” Zeke said as he made his way to Brent’s office. --- Knock, knock, knock “Huh?” Brent grunted. “Who is it?” “It’s Zeke.” “Come in,” the boss said, a sour expression on his face. Zeke opened the door and quickly shut it. “I, uh, want to speak to you about earlier.” Brent cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, really now?” He sardonically asked. “And why do you want to do that?” “Well, I want to know why you fired me,” Zeke nervously said. “I was on my break.” Brent narrowed his eyes. “Your point?” “I was on my break!” Zeke yelled. “What reason was there to fire me?!” “You weren’t working,” Brent said. “That’s my reason.” “It was my break!” Zeke slammed his forehooves onto his bosses desk. “You can’t fire me for that!” Brent slammed his forehooves onto his desk. “And I’m the boss of this company, so I can do as I please!” He snapped back. “If you have an issue with that, go start your own company and run it as you see fit!” “It was my-” Brent shoved a hoof into Zeke’s mouth. “You’ve said that four times now you dumbass!” He yelled. “And, for the last time, I don’t care!” The boss removed his hoof from Zeke’s mouth and slammed it back onto his desk. “Now, do you have anything worthwhile to say or are you going to continue to waste my time?” Zeke shook his head ‘no’. “But this isn’t over,” He growled. “Prick.” “Same to you,” Brent growled back. Zeke stood up and stormed out of his bosses office. As he slammed the door behind him, Brent levitated a cigar box out from his desk and lit one. “That foal is unbelievable,” He said to himself. --- Zeke walked back to his desk and sat down. What can I do? He thought. I can’t lose my job, not after all I’ve done here! “Hey, buddy,” A voice called from behind the lost-in-thought pony. “Equus to Zeke!” Zeke turned around to see Cylen making odd motions with his forehooves. “What are you doing?” He asked his co-worker. “Trying to cast some sort of spell on me?” “No, it’s supposed to be a space stallion trying to contact somepony.” Zeke tilted his head. “Huh?” “You know, from those science-fiction books?” “Wait, you can read?” Zeke asked with a smirk. “I’m shocked.” Cylen glared at his co-worker. “Shut up,” He said as he walked towards him. “I wanted to ask you how your meeting went with the boss-man.” “This couldn’t wait until after we get out of work?” Cylen waved a hoof at Zeke. “If I’m going to get fired, why should I even bother working?” “Because it’s still technically your job!” Zeke yelled. “That’s why!” Cylen rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” He said nonchalantly. “Just tell me how your meeting went and then I’ll ‘go back to work’.” “It went poorly.” “Great to hear!” Cylen exclaimed. “See ya!” Zeke looked at his co-worker with a frown. “You don’t care?” “Hah, if you got us to keep our jobs, I was going to be pissed,” Cylen beamed. “Honestly, this is the best news I’ve heard since our last boss got fired! “I didn’t even want you to keep your job,” Zeke said. “I just want to keep mine. You can become homeless for all I care.” “Why do you care so much about this job?” Cylen asked, ignoring his co-worker’s remark. “You sit in this office and review a whole lot of nothing. Honestly, can you tell me a single thing you didn’t nearly fall asleep reading?” “Hey, I got my cutie mark when I was an intern here!” Zeke yelled. “It’s my destiny to work here!” Cylen rolled his eyes. “Whoopty-doo, you got your cutie mark here,” He mockingly said. “You also get paid two bits an hour.” “So do you!” “Yeah, and I’m not terribly fond of it,” Cylen replied. “In fact, I hate it.” “That’s besides the point!” Zeke yelled. “The point is, I refuse to lose this job! It’s my destiny!” “Oh, good grief,” Cylen said. “Cut me a break. You got your cutie mark here, woo-hoo. There are dozens of other places like this one in Equestria. Get a job there.” “Shut up!” Zeke snapped. “This is the place I got it, so I’m staying here!” “Will you please stop repeating yourself?” Cylen asked. “Your argument holds no damn water,” He sternly said. “It doesn’t help you’re acting like a damn foal who didn’t get a toy.” “You’re one to talk about acting like a foal,” Zeke said. “You never do anything worthwhile!” “Don’t you think that’s rather harsh?” Cylen asked. “I mean, I did once create a mean marketing campaign for a book.” “You painted a smiley face on a banner… for a book about a bunch of fillies and colts getting slaughtered during a sleepover.” “It was creative, no?” “It got deemed the worst marketing campaign since you put a bunch of hay on a billboard to advertise a movie about a tornado tearing through Fillydelphia.” “Hey, you helped with that one!” Cylen snapped. “Yeah, I had to convince you not to restrict the advertisement to flyers!” Zeke yelled. “Face it Cylen, you’re an utter failure of an employee and should’ve been fired on day one,” Zeke continued. “It baffles me why Brent didn’t fire you earlier.” Cylen rolled his eyes and laughed. “You’re not so special yourself,” He said. “Your position could be filled by an otter.” “You take that back!” Zeke snapped. “My position is very important!” “Which is why there’s only one person who does your job, right?” Cylen asked. Zeke got up and stormed up to his co-worker. “Because you’re one to talk about doing his job, right?” “I actually meant that your position is nothing special,” Cylen replied. “But, since you mention it, at least I can say I’ve accomplished something in my time here,” He said with a smirk. “Yeah, you accomplished consistent failure,” Zeke said. “Good job! I’m sure your family is very proud of you.” “My teacher-” “I don’t actually care.” “My therapist told me that a lot.” “Just leave,” Zeke said. “You’re wasting my time.” “About time,” Cylen said. “I was getting bored.” “Out!” Zeke yelled. “Okay!” Cylen said as he left Zeke’s office, slamming the door behind him. Zeke walked back to his desk. “I can’t stand that stupid pony,” He said with a heavy sigh. --- Meanwhile, Cylen walked back to his office. I can’t believe the things Zeke said to me, He thought. Then again, I can’t believe that my last boss thought it’d be a good idea to build a golden statue of himself holding an apple pie in the lobby. Cylen walked back into his office and hopped onto his chair. “Oh boy, work,” He said as he looked at a few papers on his desk. He picked one up and looked over it. “Marketing details, marketing tactics, blah, blah, blah,” He said. “Same shit, different day.” As the marketer sat at his desk, a thought hit him. “Maybe I can prove to Zeke that I can work hard,” He said to himself as he continued to stare blankly at the papers. Without reading any, he grabbed a random one. Return of the Dead Ponies “A movie?” Cylen asked himself. “I guess… umm…” Cylen tapped his chin and read over the paper. Numerous numbers, ideas, and names were listed. “This makes no sense!” The marketer whined. “How in Celestia’s name would you market a movie about dead ponies?” ~~~ “Get your life-size chunks of dead pony flesh!” A pony yelled from a street corner. “And see Return of the Dead Ponies this Nightmare Night!” ~~~ “Nah, that’s stupid,” Cylen said as he continued to think. ~~~ A group of ponies waited outside a store, when dozens of shambling, decaying ponies burst out of the doors. A few ponies ran, while others cowered in fear. Though a couple keeled over dead from fright. “This was Cylen Markethooves idea,” a pony— still in his makeup— told a reporter. “He funded this idea.” ~~~ Cylen sighed and punched his desk. “Ow,” He whimpered as shook his hoof. “There has to be a good idea in my head somewhere. ~~~ “Okay stallions,” Shining Armor said proudly as he stood in front of several Royal Guard troops. “As a part of some marketing gimmick, we’re going to raise dozens of dead ponies.” “Are you sure this is a good idea?” One guard pony asked. “We’re getting paid a lot to do this,” Shining replied. “Now, at the count of three…” Within seconds, all of the Royal Guard was devoured when numerous cave ponies were raised, much to their shock. ~~~ “Maybe Zeke was right,” the marketer said with a sigh. “Maybe I am a failure.” Knock, knock, knock “Who is it?” Cylen asked. “Your boss,” Brent said. “Oh.” “Yeah,” Brent said as he entered the marketers office. “Have you got anything for that movie?” “Nope.” “You’re pathetic,” the boss said with a glare. “My sister told me that a lot.” “She was right,” Brent replied as he slammed Cylen’s door. Cylen rolled his eyes and went back to staring at the paper. And he stared. And stared. Until finally… “Wait, why do I care?” Cylen asked himself. “I’m going to get fired,” He said. “Stupid Zeke making me work as if I give a damn about my job.” The marketer looked down at the paper and groaned. “Screw it, I give up,” He said as he wrote down a bunch of numbers. “There.” With a smile, the marketer grabbed the paper and ran to Brent’s office. --- Knock, knock “What?” Brent grunted. Cylen opened the door and tossed the paper to Brent. “There,” He said. “Have fun.” “Hey, wait,” Brent said. “What?” Cylen asked. Brent levitated two envelopes to the marketer. “It’s yours and Zeke’s severance pay,” Brent said. “Mind delivering his?” “Uhh... why can’t you?” “I need to review your paper here?” “Oh,” Cylen nervously replied. “Alrighty.” “Indeed,” Brent grunted. “Now, piss off. I need to unfortunately look over what you bothered to write.” “Okay, boss-man,” Cylen said as he forced a smile. “Have fun.” With that, Cylen quickly left Brent’s office, a nervous look on his face. Brent rolled his eyes, looked down at the paper, and read over it. “Dumbass.” He shook his head and levitated a cigar to himself. “That foal doesn’t know a thing about marketing,” He said as he lit up the cigar. --- Meanwhile, Zeke sat quietly behind his desk. There has to be some way I can keep my job, He thought. Maybe I can force him to keep me. Zeke’s face lit up. Yes, that’s it. I’ll pressure him into keeping me! He thought as he happily clapped his hooves together. But how? Zeke sat back in his chair and tapped his chin. “Maybe I can just beat him,” He said to himself. “Though he’s a damn unicorn, he can zap me.” Knock, knock “Door’s open,” Zeke said as he continued to tap his chin Cylen tossed Zeke’s check to him. “Brent wanted me to give that to you,” He said. Zeke picked up the check and stared at it. “Oh,” He whispered as held back the urge to scream. “Thanks.” “Yeah, no problem,” Cylen replied. “So, are you feeling better?” He asked with a half-smile. Zeke burst into laughter. “Am I okay?!” He asked as he walked over to his desk and swiped it clean. “Of course I’m not you dumbass!” He screamed. “I lost my job for the dumbest reason and you ask if seeing my severance pay makes me feel better?!” Cylen flinched. “I’m sorry,” He said. “I was hopeful you’d maybe calmed down from earlier.” “I don’t need your sympathy,” Zeke growled. “Especially not after you attacked me.” Zeke sat down at his desk and buried his face in-between his forehooves. “Face it, Zeke,” Cylen said sternly, “you’re not getting your job back.” Zeke jerked his head up and glared at his co-worker. “You don’t know that!” He yelled. “Maybe this is just a test to see who’s the most dedicated to their job!” “That’s crazy talk!” Cylen snapped. “Face it, Brent’s just an ass who fired us for no reason.” “Crazy talk?” Zeke asked with a chuckle. “No, no. I’m the sane one! You’re bonkers!” “Okay, oh sane one,” Cylen mockingly said. “What’s your plan to keep your job?” “I’m not telling you.” “That your way of saying ‘I have no plan’?” Cylen asked. “Because if it is, I’m not shocked “ “No, I have a plan,” Zeke said. “I refuse to share it because you’ll ruin it.” “Uh-huh,” Cylen said. “Well, I’m going to get something to eat.” Cylen nervously inched his way to his co-workers door. “So, if you need me, I’ll be in the cafeteria.” “Just leave you moron,” Zeke said. “I don’t give a crap.” “Alright then,” Cylen said as he quickly ran out the door and slammed it shut behind him. Zeke glared at the check. “I’m shocked he didn’t use this as a cigarette,” He said as he threw it aside. “Jerk smokes so much, I’m amazed he hasn’t died from it.” A lightbulb went off in Zeke’s head. “Wait… that’s it.” He said with a sinister grin. “That’s how I’ll make him keep me as an employee.” Zeke stood up and grabbed his check. “I’ll show that good for nothing bastard to fire me,” He said as he stormed out of his office. Maybe he’ll even promote me for my dedication to keeping my job. With a sinister grin, Zeke quickly made his way to his bosses office. --- Brent sat in his office as he reviewed a few papers. “Garbage, garbage, and more garbage,” He grunted to himself as he chewed on a cigar. “I swear, nopony can do anything in this damned building.” Crash! Brent’s door nearly flew off its hinges as Zeke stormed into his boss’s office. “What’s the meaning of this?” Brent asked as he took a long drag of his cigar. “As you may be incapable of seeing over your lowly, marketer mind, I’m very busy.” Zeke stormed up to his boss and pressed his muzzle against his. “You’re going to let me keep my job,” He growled, “or that door is just the beginning.” Brent pushed Zeke away and blew smoke in his face. “You’re hysterical,” Brent deadpanned “Get out of my office, and shut the door on your way out.” Zeke shook his head. “Did you not hear me?” “Yeah, I did,” the boss said as he took another drag of his cigar. “Why do you think I said ‘You’re hysterical’?” Zeke swiped his bosses desk clean and slammed his hooves onto it. “Listen, dipshit!” He screamed. “Give me back my job or I will burn this whole building down!” “Overreaction much?” Brent said. “I’ve already told you that you aren’t getting your job back,” He said with a glare. “Now, out.” Zeke slammed his hoof onto the desk. “Why aren’t you taking me seriously!?” He shouted. “I swear to Celestia, I will burn you and this building down!” Brent laughed hysterically. “I’ve had ponies tell me they’ll slit my throat, shoot me, light me on fire, that they’d kill my family, and so many other horrible things,” He said through his laughter. “Piss off, Eko.” “It’s Zeke!” “I don’t give a fuck.” Brent blew more smoke into Zeke’s face. “Point is: you’re not getting a damn thing from me.” Zeke stormed around and ripped Brent’s cigar out from his mouth. “Give me back my job you bastard!” He yelled as he slammed the cigar onto Brent’s left cheek. “Now!” “Sweet Celestia!” Brent screamed out in pain. He threw a sharp, right hook and struck Zeke’s right eye, causing the raging earth pony to stagger back. “What the Tartarus was that for?” He screamed. “You won’t give me my job back?” Zeke said as he regained his balance. “Then I’ll force you to give it back to me!” “You’re going to jail once this is all over!” Brent yelled as he made a beeline for the door. “Oh no you don’t!” Zeke yelled as he head-butted his former boss in the ribs. “You tell anypony, and we both die!” He yelled as he pinned him down. “Get off of me!” Brent fired off a small magic bolt, which struck Zeke’s mouth. “That’s the second time that’s happened,” Zeke said with a half smile. “But dedication makes a good employee, right?” “You’re completely insane,” Brent said as he stood up. Zeke shook his head. “Just dedicated,” He said. “C’mon, I’ll do anything to keep my job.” “For the final time,” Brent said, “you’re not getting-” Brent cut himself off as a thought hit him. “Wait, anything?” “Yes, anything,” Zeke said with a smile. Brent teleported to his desk and grabbed his lighter. “Here, hold this.” Zeke looked at the lighter. “Why?” “I’ll give you a new job if you hold it.” “Really?” Zeke beamed. Brent fired off a magic bolt, which hit the lighter, causing it to explode into flames. “You’re now my personal lighter,” Brent said as he walked over and held a cigar over the burning pony. --- Cylen whistled a nameless tune as he walked down the hallway. “Well, now I’ve gotta look for-” He stopped mid sentence when he saw Brent’s door wide open, and a group of ponies looking in. Cylen ran up and looked in, and saw dozens of ponies roasting marshmallows over a burning pony. “What’s going on in here?” Cylen asked. “Your pal Zeke generously offered to become my personal lighter,” Brent said as he levitated a marshmallow to Cylen. “Want one?” Cylen ran away screaming. “Meh, more for us!” Brent announced as the crowd of ponies cheered.