//------------------------------// // Brannigan, Begin Again // Story: Planet Express's Package Pony // by MrAquino //------------------------------// In the Planet Express Ship, Fry and Bender played a hologram chess. All the pieces are different species, including an Omicronian, a Trisolian, a Blob, a Amphibiosan and a Decapodian. Derpy watched the two play and placed a bet that Bender would win. "Hmm.. Horsey to pointy guy six." Fry announced. His knight, a horse, charged at the bishop. The bishop batters it to the ground with his crook. The horse pulls out a dagger, stabs the bishop and kicks him off the game board. Fry chuckles and reclines in his seat. "Check." "Hmm... Get him, boys!" Bender announced. Fry screamed as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock him to the floor and beat him up. "Good move." "And you just twenty bucks." Derpy said, taking cash out of Fry's wallet Back in the Planet Express Lounge room. Fry and Derpy laid on the couch next to Bender, and Leela leaned against the wall reading the latest issue of 'Cosmopolitan'. The door opens. and Farnsworth entered with Hermes carrying a large package "Good news, everyone!" Farnsworth announced "We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace." "Nope. Watching cartoons." Bender replied "Sorry." Fry added. "I hate the opening." Derpy said, flapping her wings. Leela tips the two off the couch. "What's the mission?" She asked "It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets." Farnsworth replied, pointing at the label on the package that says "DOOP". Fry looks at it. "DOOP? What's that?" He asked "It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry." "Uh..." "Or like the Federation from your Star Trek program." Hermes said "Oh!" "You watch Star Trek?" Derpy asked to Fry "Hell yeah! I know there is about it!" "Including the J.J.Abrams movies?" "...Haven't seen them yet. "Enough!" Farnsworth interrupted the two "Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters." "What are we delivering?" Leela asked "Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed: The ceremonial oversized scissors." He took a giant pair of scissors out of the box and Leela takes it from him. "We'll get them there as quickly as we can." "Alright, but don't run with them." "...So which of the prime colors did you prefer?" Derpy asked they made their way to the ship. The ship landed in the ultra-modern new DOOP space station, located in the Neutral Zone. They walk into the huge reception area; All around the room, various aliens are around, gathered and talking about whatever politcal stuff they were doing, but it was breathtaking to Fry and Derpy. "Wow! There's a million aliens!" Fry exclaimed "I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins!" "MUFFINS!!!" Derpy yelled, flying and catching up to Fry, both enjoying the muffins. Bue, Derpy looked around, seeing him again: The Stallion. He sat in a corner table with the Machine next to him, and his twin. As Fry was distracted by a really tall & muscular woman, she headed to him. The clone took notice of her. "Oh! Hello, Derpy!" The clone introduced himself. "Care to take a seat with us?" "Uh... sure." She replied, taking her chair. "...Why are you here?" "Fun." The Doctor simply answered. "...What's fun about some diplomatic meeting?" "Oh, seeing the new species and learning about their cultures... that, and everyone's living in peace together." "...I don't theink the Space Lizards and Insectoids will get along very well." His clone replied "Oh hush! It's difficult to control your instincts, but they'll get along! Just like how I taught you how to think straight!" "What!?" Derpy asked "Oh, sorry... he wasn't like this when he first came, but, he's doing so much better." "I still hate having to lift things with my hooves." The clone replied "Not even sure how I can carry things with these!" "...So what are you really doing here?" Derpy asked "Like I said, just having fun." The Stallion replied "I'll try to not get involved too much, but, I think your family's meeting a particular Captain. Derpy turned to see her family near Zapp Branigan. "Oh Celestia no!!!" She flapped her wings and flew to them. "...She just said 'Celestia'." The clone spoke. "Patience... she'll find out soon enough." The Stallion replied. Derpy arrived too late and was arrested for 'attempted assassination' on the yarn people, with everyone on the Nimbus. Zapp paced around. "What makes a man turn neutral?" He monologued "Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?" "Or the fact that they don't want to get involved with anything violent?" Derpy mummbled. "Um, sir," Kif pointed at the reception area on the viewscreen "you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now." "No matter!" Zap exclaimed "I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser." He presses a button and a console came out of the floor. Outside the ship, a huge laser appears from a hatch. "Sir, I don't think that's wise." "Ki~f, if there's one thing I don't need it's your 'I-don't-think-that's-wise' attitude." He grabbed a handle on the console and moves it through Stun, Kill and Hyperdeath. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots a laser beam towards the space station. Through a live monitor, recording the ceremony, the laser cuts the ribbon and everyone applauds. The laser carries and cuts a huge stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts rumbling and explodes! The reception area breaks off and hurtles off into space with everyone still screaming. Both Zapp and Kiff stared, Zapp with a surprised look while Kiff groaned. "...Donald Trump?" Derpy asked, turning to the head of the the ruiner of Scottish lands "You're FIRED!!!" He yelled The following day in the Former DOOP Headquarters, a ran down building in Weehauken, New Jersey, the DOOP representatives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab presides over. She banged her gavel. "Zapp Brannigan," She began "you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?" "Absolutely 99% not guilty." He answered "Then the prosecutor will call his first witness." The prosecutor is a giant, blue chicken with tiny glasses perched on his beak. He stands up and spoke with a strong Southern American accent. "Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury." Everyone gasps and murmurs. Derpy, however, munched on some popcorn. "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. "This gon' be good!" Derpy said with excitement "Members of the jury..." The chicken spoke, pecking the floor for a bit "did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?" They point at Zapp and repeat 'it's him' "And are y'all gonna vote to convict him?" They all agreed. Glab bangs her gavel. "The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony." She spoke "Your Honour, the prosecution rests." He clucks and covers his face with his wing. "The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges." The crowd murmurs. Derpy spat out her popcorn. "WHAT!?!?!?" She yelled "Dismiss all charges!?" Leela added "Your Honour, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify!" "I'm going to allow this." Glab spoke. Leela sat in the witness box. "Now, Miss Leela," The Hyper-Chicken spoke "on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt? "That's a stupid question." Leela replied "What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye." The crowd gasps. Zapp stood up. "I'd like to cross-examine the witness." He spoke "I'm going to allow this." Glab replied. "Is she gonna allow everything?" Derpy asked, sipping on some apple-juice. Zapp paced past Leela. "We've met before have we not?" He asked "Yes." Leela answered reluctantly "And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath." Leela sighed "Yes." "Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with." Leela points at him. Before Fry could hoot, Derpy placed a gun to the back of his head. "And his name is?" "Zapp Brannigan." "The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case." Derpy placed the gun away and flew up. "I'd like to testify!" She announced. "I won't allow this." Glab replied. "YOU SON OF A-!!!" Bender held Derpy down as she struggled to go up. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations." The jury files out through one door and returns immediately through another. One of the small Glurmos, most likely suffering from Amnesia, is the foreman. "Your Honour, we have reached a verdict." He spoke "We find the defendant ... guilty." Leela and Derpy hooted loudly! "Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP." Glab gave the punishment Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. Derpy recorded this moment, laughing hard at the misery of the idiotic captain. He stops before he reaches it and turns to the court. "I'd like to make one final statement." He spoke "Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag." Kif groans, but Derpy stops him. "Wait! You're innocent!" She turned to Zapp "Do it yourself, you lazy bastard!" The crowed 'oohed' at her. "Ugh! Fine then... how do you do this?" He attempted to wave the flag and attempted to look masculine... but failed. "Eh, screw it." He stood back in the middle "My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly-" A vase fell and dropped on his head. Derpy whistled 'innocently' as she walked away. A week had passed since Brannigan's discharge, and the news was great for everyone! The best came that Kiff, Zapp's second in command, was now the lead captain, and though he was nervous, the Planet Express crew was there to back him up, especially Derpy, who was probably the closest thing to a friend. But, that's for another time. Back in the Planet Express Hangar, Fry, Derpy, and Bender washed the ship, though Derpy sang about brushing teeth as she cleaned. "Hey, Bender?" Fry asked "Yeah?" Bender replied. Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles, throwing his sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and hits Leela in the face. "Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses." FLeela growled "Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to! Derpy's done more than the two of you combined!" "Really?" Derpy asked "It felt like seconds." "You don't have to get so mad, Leela." Fry replied "Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger." Bender pointed at a doodle Fry made of Leela and a speech bubble with 'Yak Yak Yak' in it. Leela growled. The doorbell rings and she went to answer, though Derpy followed. At the entrance, Leela opene the door to a down-and-out Zapp "Zapp!?" Derpy and Leela gasped "Leela, I didn't know where else to turn." Zapp replied "You're the only woman who ever loved me!" "I never loved you." Leela retorted "I mean physically." "What do you want?" Derpy pulled out and cocked a gun. "Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors." "You don't know how to do any of those things." "Kif might." "He's doing much better than you!" Derpy snapped, slamming the door. "...Was that necessary?" Leela asked "With an idiot like him, yes." "Aww... you're so adorable like that." She took Derpy in her arms. "Come on! Let's mock Zapp even more!" "Ooh! I've got tons of crap we can throw at him!" "Literal or junk?" "...Mostly junk."