THUMP-thump Th-thump
“So, you’re going to ignore me?”
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“I should have known. Ignore the problem—”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“That’s how you handle everything else.”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“What’s next after throwing the ball against the wall again?”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“Oh, I see, throw it again because you have nothing better to do.”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“Forget your home, you have fun to attend to.”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“Oh but, of course, you’re not a Princess anyway.”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“You’re some crazy human who doesn’t know who she is.”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
“No retort, Celestia? Or should I say, Celeste?” He spat out the last word.
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“You almost want to be Celeste, don’t you?”
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“Doesn’t that bother you?”
THUMP-thump Th-thump
He took her thin face in his hand, forcing her to look at him. She stared back, dully.
“You weren’t always this weak. How could you really be Celestia, if you can’t even fight for your own name?”
The scent of his charcoal breath disappeared with him. The patient in her room dropped the ball and hugged her knees as the door unlocked and admitted the black-haired nurse with medication. The patient held out her arm obediently.
“You’re almost completely off this...” the nurse muttered, injecting about one measurement of fluid into her arm. That might have been the closest thing to kind that the nurse had said to her since she woke up in this room.
Today she was going to find out. Finally, after weeks of her hair inching towards her shoulders and Sombra's growing presence in her mind, she was going to hear the full story. She had figured some of out it herself. How, she did not know. She still felt like the name Celestia belong to her... but it grew more foreign each day. After today she would have to decide. She would either continue believing in her name, or she’d take her new one.
Her arm could barely lift the baseball to throw it again. She wrapped her arms around her legs, hiding her face in her knees. She didn’t want to give up. What if she had to? What if...?
She didn’t want to ask herself these questions. So many other questions needed to be answered. Then again, one question changed them all: Who am I? She had been asked that so many times already. The answer was always granted to be Princess Celestia.
“And still you won’t listen to me?” Sombra scoffed, his voice directly next to her right side.
“I have to figure this out,” she said, sitting back.
“And there’s something to figure out?”
“Of course there is.”
“All you need to figure out is whether you’re going to help me or not and I won’t accept no—”
She turned her reproachful face toward him. If he ever gave a genuine reaction it was then. As he looked her in the face his drawn brow lifted and his eyes opened from their malevolent glare into concern. His lips softened into a straight line.
“I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know if I want you to be real or if I want Dr. Cruebel to... not be Discord. I love everypony in Equestria but am I still the leader I once was?”
“What has that got to do with anything?”
“I don’t know. If Equestria isn’t even real then it doesn’t matter.”
“And if Equestria is real?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s the best you can offer? What is wrong with you?”
“This!” she shouted, holding her left arm out properly so he could see. The nurse had injected her left arm with only a glance at who she injected so she hadn't seen it. Of course the patient must have imagined that he wouldn’t know. Conversations are more interesting that way. His black eyes ran over her skin and his mouth opened slightly in surprise.
“How did that happen?”
“I don’t know. I woke up in the middle of the night with my arm burning. I saw ‘Dear Princess Celestia, look outside...’ before the letters cooled and my arm paid the damage for it.” She ran her fingers over the blistering flesh. “ I just want it to go away. I keep trying to think of other ways I could have burned it. It was worse only moments ago. I dont't know how it's healing like this. I would be scared to show Dr. Cruebel except I hope he can explain what’s happening.”
“And if he can’t?”
She shrugged helplessly. Within a breath, Sombra grabbed her by the shoulders and stared forcefully into her face. After an eternity of uncomfortable scrutiny, he let go of her in disgust and rose, walking towards the window.
She had acted irrationally many times in her life. Now was another embarrassing example. Almost as soon as he stopped in front of the window she rushed to him and clasped her arms around his waist from behind, holding him tightly against her. She wanted to know if he was real. He felt real but as real as everything here felt. Her arm had been burned but was there any other explanation? Who was this Celeste Marlowe she was supposed to be? What if she had to be her instead of Celestia? What if she had to give everything she loved up?
Sombra turned in her hug and folded her in his arms. His warmth was so real. His scent was so pungent that it was almost overwhelming. She heard his heartbeat against her ear as she closed the tears up inside her eyes. The fabric of his shirt pressed against her face as he breathed in and out.
Hold me tighter. I’m scared. She begged mentally. His embrace grew more fervent. His arm crossed her back as his hand dwarfed her shoulder. His right hand pushed her head under his chin. She could feel the pressure on her skull. Her heart tried to dig itself out of the game of conflicting of emotions playing inside. He was dangerous and forbidden, exciting and horrifying, awe-inspiring and monstrous. But, was he real? Was he really here, holding her, enfolding her against him?
His lips pressed down on top of her head.
“Be my Queen. Come with me and we’ll rule Equestria together.”
No. I can’t.
The door opened and the woman found herself holding and being held by nothing. Her hands gripped her arms as she turned around to look at Dr. Cruebel and Sarah. Both of them smiled pleasantly at her but she could see they knew something was amiss. Sarah placed a substantial box of tissues on the table while the woman’s feet advanced slowly to sit with them.
“You’re nervous,” Dr. Cruebel noted, sitting down after Sarah and his patient.
“A little.”
“That is perfectly normal. But, if you want us to stop at any moment; if it becomes too much for you, let us know.“
She nodded. Sarah smiled at her comfortingly from across the table.
“Well, let’s start off then.” Dr. Cruebel opened a folder enough to pull out a typed sheet. Sarah took out a pad of paper and poised her pen over the surface, ready to write.
“Excuse me. I just need to get something,” the woman excused herself and retrieved the baseball. She blushed as she returned to her seat. It was silly, but she felt like the baseball helped her feel less exposed.
“Of course. First of all, Celeste, could you tell us what you do remember. You’ve told us about a face and... what else is there?”
“That’s it.”
“You did mention once that you had a nightmare—”
“I’ve had nothing but nightmares here.”
“I know. But, I remember one you said you were searching for something by flashlight?”
“Yeah?”
“In the woods, you said?”
“I don’t remember exactly what I said.” She rolled the baseball from one hand to the other and felt her heartbeat recede from her throat.
“Yes, I believe you said in the dark but you also said you sensed some trees around you. Did you have any other nightmares that didn’t seem to fit your... Equestrian reality?”
“No, ever since I saw Sombra that one day he’s been the only thing I dream about.”
Dr. Cruebel cleared his throat abruptly.
“And before then?”
“It would just be parts of my life from here.”
“Alright then. Do you remember, somewhere in those dreams, a middle-aged man who wore glasses?”
“No, you never wore glasses in my dream.”
Sarah stifled a snort as the woman realized her mistake and looked at Dr. Cruebel, who seemed to be fighting every centimeter of his blushing face for composure.
“You kinda walked into that one, Dad.”
“I’m actually not middle-aged... I just started graying prematurely,” he explained, loosening his tie slightly. Sarah stared at the ceiling until the laughter subdued itself.
“Sorry. I... I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s fine. I was more asking if you saw a clean-shaven man who could have been your father.”
“Not that I remember.”
“Well, perhaps we should go to a more familiar face: the face you had a vision of. Can you recall the face now?”
“Yes,” she muttered to the baseball in her hands as she resumed rolling it back and forth over her fingers.
“Good. Now, I have a few picture here of faces matching your description and I want you to pick out the face you recognize as being hers.” He reached into the folder again and pulled out a Ziploc bag of portraits. They skittered over the tabletop as he dumped them out. The woman reached forward and brushed through the picture, trying to see them all. Something about a school photograph of a dark haired girl wearing a ponytail and a crooked smile seemed familiar. She pressed her fingers to the photograph and pushed it towards Dr. Cruebel.
“She was like this... except older.”
He sighed as he picked the photograph up. The name “Selene M.” was scribbled on the back of the photograph in loopy cursive pencil. He pulled another picture from the file and handed it to her along with the picture she had just given to him.
The schoolgirl had grown up. This girl was the face she had seen. In the second photograph another woman stood with the first; a woman who was still new to adulthood. It was the patient looking at the photograph now. She must look different but the face was almost exact. The hair was longer and had gentle, gradual waves to it. A crooked smile matched the younger woman’s as they hugged each other next to a Christmas tree.
Christmas tree. That wasn’t something she knew about. Yet... it still was in her mind. It was like when she knew she was human. She just knew.
“Her name was Selene,” he said. The woman looked at the back of the photograph even though she had seen the name already.
“She’s dead, isn’t she?” the woman asked.
“Yes. She is. She died a few months before... before you came here. I think her death was the first thing that led to the final build-up of you... coming here.”
“What about my parents?”
He handed her another photograph: a couple fitting the description of the man he described with a woman who resembled the girls in the other photographs. The man’s hair was only beginning to grey. He wasn’t quite middle-aged yet. They sat in two adjacent chairs, looking at each other happily while holding hands.
“Your mother passed away a few months after that photograph was taken. No one in your family realized she had stomach cancer until it was stage four. At that point your family had already lost your brother.”
“What?”
“Yes, the nightmare where you are looking for something? I think you’re remembering the night you all lost him. He wandered away during a family reunion and got lost in the woods. Unfortunately, nobody ever found him. There is a casket with his clothes buried next to your mother.”
“How old was he?”
“Three. I think you were about thirteen when this happened and Selene was about eleven. Aiden was a bit of a surprise child.”
Aiden. That must be the name she kept shouting in her dreams but couldn’t quite hear.
“My father?”
“Unfortunately he’s gone now too. That’s when you shut yourself off completely. He passed away about a year ago. Like your mother, he had cancer. Only, with him, it was pancreatic. There usually isn’t much hope once that is discovered.”
The woman’s eyes looked over the three photographs. She could so easily push them aside and call this an elaborate hoax. But, the face of her sister had been there, in her mind, before.
“How did Selene die?”
“Drowning. One winter afternoon she went for a walk and disappeared. Later, she was found frozen in a stream not far from your house.”
That was why water had flowed from her mouth and splashed onto the tile floor. She was thawing out. The patient dropped the ball and rubbed her forehead with her right hand.
“I’m alone then.”
“You’re never alone. You still have family that would love to take care of you. It was your paternal aunt who committed you here.”
“They’re all dead.”
“You have lost more than anyone ever should have. But, by locking yourself inside this Celestia, you have lost everything.”
“But what if just the opposite is true? What if I lose everything by becoming Celeste Marlowe?”
“You are Celeste Marlowe. Returning to Celestia will not change what happened and it won’t change who you are.”
“And just why would I want to be Celestia?” she snapped. Dr. Cruebel leaned back, giving Sarah a confused glance.
“Why wouldn’t you want to be? What does Celestia offer for you that your real life cannot offer?”
“Reality.”
“All right. For one moment...” He perched his right hand on the table. “Let’s say that this world is not real.” He mimicked his right hand with his left. “And let’s say Equestria is also not real and you had to choose between Celeste and Celestia.” He held both of his upturned hands, palms open, towards her as if he was offering the two choices. “Which one would you choose?”
She closed her eyes to help her think. Was Sombra watching? Was he perhaps behind all this? Maybe he did this to try to find out... Had he suspected? Or was this man really Discord? She had only spent a few days believing he was Dr. Cruebel but even so, calling him Discord in her mind no longer fit.
Was Sombra watching, invisible to everyone? Did he want to know the truth? What would Sarah think? She was such a sweet girl and so much like a child in her gentleness. Would she be disgusted? She needed to tell them. She was the only one who knew outside of a room of ponies who were now dead. She had to say it.
“Celeste. I would choose Celeste.”
“Why?” he asked, as she knew he would.
Her lips trembled and she pressed them together to stop the shaking.
“Celeste?” he asked, gently.
She was incredulous at what was about to come out of her mouth. Her mind moved outside of her body as if watching her actions from behind her eyes. she picked up the baseball and her thumb scratched the leather, building up residue under her nails.
“As Celestia,“ her voice said, “I’ve made some choices that bring so much guilt to me that... sometimes I can’t sleep at night.
“As Celestia, I controlled the sun. My sister, Luna, controlled the moon and the stars. We lived in peace... as the legend goes.” Her bitter laugh broke in for a moment and she calmed herself before continuing, “Legend gets so much wrong. Legend says that she was envious only because ponies ignored her night and went outside during the day. That wasn’t even half of it.”
Each word had to push itself out of her lips now. She shivered and struggled against keeping it back. It was building up inside of her and she had to release it before it choked her.
“She was jealous in so many ways. But, the worst way was because of a neighboring king called Sombra. When I first met him he was only a foreign noble. He later took over the Crystal Empire and offered his allegiance with us. That was when Luna fell in love with him. I remember my mane was pink back then. I used to be so proud of it. I used to think I was so beautiful. That’s part of the reason I told myself that I was pleased when Sombra rejected her and pursued me instead.”
“I see. But, it wouldn’t have been your fault or hers if he chose you over her.”
“Dr. Cruebel you are surprisingly perfect in your questions.” She laughed again. She was almost certain Sombra was listening. She could almost taste the scent of charcoal as the feeling of eyes whispered down her spine.
“I don’t understand,” he said as the woman shifted without finding any new comfort.
“Luna didn’t fall in love with Sombra. Sombra didn’t fall in love with me. I don’t work with dark magic. Back then it was just too difficult. I had to work with positive magic... and I twisted it. Reforming spells to force a pony to change against his or her will, happiness spells to simply get rid of depression... spells that had good intentions... but spells that could be misused all too easily. One spell I played with was a love spell.”
A sharp breath pushed the hairs on the back of her neck.
“I cast a spell on Luna so that she would fall in love with Sombra. Then, to make her jealous, I cast a spell to make him fall in love with me. It wasn’t true love, just petty infatuation. But, it worked. Her jealousy grew to the point I wanted it to. It consumed her. When I hoped to merely dispatch him she instead banished the Crystal Kingdom forever. Then, she came for me.”
She looked up at Dr. Cruebel again. The maelstrom of his emotions was impenetrable. Was he angry? Disgusted? Pitying? She couldn’t tell. He kept his mouth fixed and his burning eyes focused on her.
“Dr. Cruebel. I banished my own sister to the moon for one thousand years to suffer alone in jealousy, hurt, and maybe confusion. She wasn’t herself. I did all that because I wanted to be Queen. The night I banished her was the night my mane changed to be four colors instead of one. It changed because in that moment I knew that everything I fought and cheated for wasn’t worth the cost. I lost the Crystal Empire, I lost my sister, and that night I dismissed the board of advisors. I barely kept Equestria together after I almost tore it in half. So, if I could choose, I would much rather be Celeste than Celestia because at least Celeste Marlowe did nothing to destroy what she should have loved!”
The baseball fell to the floor as she wrapped her arms around her waist, constricting her diaphragm. She jerked with suppressed outbursts. A huge weight was gone from her but talking about what she did couldn’t change anything. She kept her eyes turned towards her crossed arms and bare feet poking from the cuffs of her pajamas. She choked on each sob as her face twisted, trying to let her cry. A deep, shaking sigh came from Dr. Cruebel. She saw white move in the corner of her eye. He cleared his throat and she looked up enough to see him hold the baseball out to her.
“You are Celeste Marlowe.” Her eyes turned to his. There was a hint of red in them but they were determined. His voice softened to almost a whisper as he emphasized each word. “You. Are. Celeste. Marlowe.”
You are Celeste Marlowe.
Eternity stretched out between them. He had every right to look at her with revulsion, but he didn’t. He didn’t hate her. He wasn’t disgusted. He was... giving her a way out. He wanted her to no longer be in pain. This wasn’t real to him. But, could it be true? Could she really be Celeste Marlowe? Could she even make that choice to just be Celeste and not Princess Celestia?
“Sarah,” she asked. Sarah looked up from a full page of notes, “May I please borrow your pen for a moment?”
“Go ahead.” Dr. Cruebel said to her when she hesitated, looking between the two of them, uncertainly. She handed the pen to the woman who pushed back her left sleeve, the burn no more than a light pink sunburn now. Ignoring the pain, she took the pen and wrote on her arm. She had done this before to see if the pen in her room was the one writing letters to her. She spelled out almost exactly what she had written on her arm that day, but this time the words read differently
I am Celeste Marlowe
The “e” crawled onto her wrist from lack of space. It was all there. Her signature. Her choice. She placed the pen onto the table and stared at her arm. Her eyes closed. Celeste’s eyes closed. She was Celeste Marlowe. She didn’t need to feel guilty anymore. She could make this choice and everything would have never happened.
She breathed deeply and a small chuckle sprung from her lips. She smiled and laughed again, feeling her lungs breathe eagerly, hungrily. She could breathe. The guilt was gone and she could breathe. She was just Celeste Marlowe. Her laughter grew slowly in small burst.
She folded her hands over her mouth as she looked at Dr. Cruebel. He looked at her cautiously but she saw a shimmer of hope glistening in his eyes.
“Celeste?”
The corners of her mouth pressed into her cheeks as she nodded.
Her celebration ended too soon. Behind Dr. Cruebel stood a familiar sight: Sombra, his face a representation of pure rage, glowered at Celeste. Violet smoke began to creep from the corners of his eyes.
This isn’t over. His lips said without any sound. Celeste almost looked away but then his face turned suddenly and his lips curled as his eyes gazed towards Sarah.
One startled blink and he disappeared again.