“None can hope to stand before. THE STACHE!” The man Bellowed in a manly bass, The guards simply fell to his manly, velvety smooth baritone voice as he strode through the palace. With a swift kick to the ornate throne room doors, he moved confidently forward into the den of evil.
“So, you have finally arrived, what kept you?” Cadence cooed, a rapier levitated at her side.
“Ah, so you are one of the three?! Where lie the elder two?” Barked Bartleby, cracking his knuckles, the thunderous pops rattling the windows.
“So human, how did you pass through the barrier?”
“With a little help from my friend and captain of the magnificent airship, The Vampire Cyborg Land Juggernaut!”
“. . .What?” Cadence stared, stupefied, nearly dropping her blade.
“Sorry, I er, don’t actually remember the correct name. BUT THATS WHAT IT MAKES ME THINK OF, MANLINESS. HAW” He screamed lunging at the Alicorn princess.
“Sorry, too slow.” Cadence grinned, her eyes opened wide as she watched him, with a somersault he planted his heels firmly against the back wall and sprang back at her again, catching her around the midsection with his large muscular sinewy arm.
“HAVE AT YOU!” He cried with mad glee.
“STOP YOU CRAZY APE!” Cadence Screamed, her sword falling from her iron clad telekinetic grasp as he barreled through the wall with her like a cannon ball. Plunging into the courtyard below.
“NEVER DOUBT GOOD OLD PUGILISM!” He cried out, the manly baritone ringing throughout the courtyard, as he brought his fist back to deliver a crushing blow.
“UNHAND HER!” With a crack Bartleby was slung away as a shield encased her.
“WHAT IS THIS, A NEW CHALLENGER?!” He laughed “Run now, as I am feeling in a mercy giving mood this day, young?. . .”
“Shining Armor!”
“So. . . you have a name that seems like you don’t work in a dress club. good~.”
“What are you doing here in the first place?!” Cadence yelled at the shirtless man. Her eyes went wide, as with a stomp, he shattered the stone walkway, and hefted one of the large chunks.
“Dodge this!” He laughed, hurling the large chunk of stone at Shining, Barely dodging the slab. Shining managed to get his shield up just in time to shield his love and himself from the mad man.
"Try and break my barrier, But love is stronger than all!" Shouted Shining Armor, With a hot white glow from his horn, Bartleby was soon ensnared by a terrible red shield. "Theres no air in there, you'll subcumb to your own limitations shortly. Are you alright my dear?"
"Yes, Quit. Now the guards will be along shortly to take him in." They gave a chuckle as Bartleby began to pound on the walls to the barrier. "A dragon couldn't brute force his way through that, give up."
"MANLINESS!" Bartleby cried, extending both arms straight out with both palms opened flat.
"What's he doing?"
"I'm not sure."
"HAW HAW!" Bartleby roared as he brought his hands together in a thunderous crash, The resulting shock wave blew his prison into pieces, and sent the two unwary combatants flying into a nearby wall. "NONE CAN STAND BEFORE THE MIGHT. OF THE STACHE!" He laughed heartily. With a thunderous blast he was sent flying upwards into the air, somersaulting end over end before landing, precariously perched on a wall. He stared down his new attacker.
"IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I'LL PUNISH YOU!" Bellowed the princess of the night.
"HA, as if you have a chance, mistress of the night, do you honestly believe you have the fortitude, the gall to resist. THE STACHE?!" Bartleby chuckled, hands upon his hips, the very air itself seemed to laugh with him.
Luna flew towards him like a javelin, Blasting away with lightning bolt after lightning bolt. which Bartleby simply deflected with his fist.
“YOU HAVE NO CHANCE!” He bellowed, grabbing her by her front legs as she flew, as he rolled backwards preparing to throw her , he felt her hind legs come crashing down upon his manly chest with the force of a small truck.
“Why won’t you go down!” Luna screeched
“A gentleman never ceases once he begins a duel. NEVER!” He laughed heartily.
“GUARDS, NOW!” Luna screamed, Bartleby made the amateur mistake of looking away for a moment.
"NOW TIA, DO IT NOW!" Luna cried.
"HA HA, SEND MORE OF THESE PATHETIC WHELPS YOU CALL GUARDS AT ME!" He laughed.
"Mmm, Do you like bananas Bartleby?"
"Why yes of course, bananas are a part of any healthy gentlemens diet. As is good and proper." Bartleby said stroking his mustache somewhat perplexed.
"Then. . . TO THE MOON!" With a roar of laughter, Bartleby was sent hurtling towards that luminescent orb in the sky."
* * *
"No~!, if I can just alter my path a bit, I can slingshot around the moon, and give those mares what-fore, but how. . . I know the deed that must be done, I MUST PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE. FOR HUMANITY!"he cried as he hurtled toward his new destination. With a blow that would normally crush the bones of a normal, less manly man, he took it on the chin with a grin. "FOR JUSTICE!"
Hurtling through the harsh atmospheres less hell known as space, Bartleby took careful aim, and prepared himself for what would surely become known as the most manly act of mankind since screaming bacon had been invented. Bartleby angled himself, and reared back with all his might, Taking note of the majesty of both his would be prison, and the beautiful blue marble that is our planet.
* * *
“I believe he is dead by now. . . ,” Celestia sighed. Looking up at the twinkle in the sky with growing curiosity.
“What is it dear sister?” Luna said tilting her head questioningly.
“I am not sure, have the guards fetch help for Young Cadence and Shining Armor.”
“Unadulterated Pure Manliness, Super juggernaut PAWNCH!” Bartleby cried, as he descended through the sky, bursting through the Equestrians massive barrier to come plummeting down upon Celestia’s head.
“Ti, TIA!” Luna cried out, as the shrapnel from Bartleby's earth shattering landing kicked up clouds of dust.
“Hah, I have ended your princess. You now, you princess of the night, will pay a equal price. NOW PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!” Bartleby wobbled as he stepped forward, barely keeping up right from his earlier attack.
“Not, not so fast. I’ve one last trick up my sleeve, so to speak.” Celestia grinned at him. Bartleby gasped as her ethereal mane entrapped him.
“WHAT’S THIS?!” He screamed, beginning to panic as he was engulfed.
“I’ll now send you to the most vile, most treacherous place I can. BEGONE!” Celestia yelled, her mane parting and carrying Bartleby high in the air, before fizzling out of existence.
“Tia, what did you do?” Luna gasped, Celestia simply smiled as she rose to her feet, Bones cracking and snapping, as her powerful internal magic began to knit her broken body back together.
“New Jersey.” She cooed with a sly smirk.
* * *
“Hmm. . . this was certainly, most unexpected.” Bartleby mused as he walked down the cracked streets on the outskirts of New Jersey. Ponies fleeing in terror, others bowing before this assumed super being.
“Is. . . is that a piece of Celestia’s mane?” Asked a colt, staring dumbfounded.
“Why yes, yes it is.” He said before grinning, “This is something I must keep always and forever.
Where am I any ways?”
“Why, New Jersey of course.”
“Of all the vile hell holes I could have appered in, I had to come here. To this vile hive, of wretched spray on tans, and fruity drinks!”