//------------------------------// // I Just Don't Know What Went South // Story: Shellstrings // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// Canterlot – Train Depot – Ten Minutes and One Hundred Cuss Words Later "Shit!" Lyra paced and paced before the emptry tracks. "Bitch! Tits! Mmmmm..." Her teeth produced sparks as she twirled and huffed. "Shitty Bitch Tits!" "Hey! Lady!" An old mule barked from where he pushed a dolley across the platform. "Mind your muzzle! There are little ears, y'know?" "I don't see any friggin' kids!" Lyra sputtered. "Have you ever heard about bein' 'young inside?'" "Well, have you ever hit your h-head against the concrete so h-hard that... mrmmf... guh..." Lyra waved her forelimbs, shouting: "Whinny! Blood!" As the echo of that last outburst subsided, the mule brayed. "Hah HAH! Great impression! What, was the harp-twanging not enough to win you bits on the street, lady?" "It's not a harp!" Lyra paced and rolled her eyes. "Oh my goddess... you inside out clumps of urban manticore vomit, I swear to Luna..." "What's the big deal anyways?!" "Why can't we reverse time in Equestria, huh?!" Lyra sputtered. "We have a nigh-omnipotent alicorn who could raise the sun, for crying out loud! Can't she spin it east an hour and a half and make the train to Ponyville come back?!" "If our Princess was omnipotent, then I'm sure my prostate would have been cured years ago." "Ugh... not now, dude..." Lyra face-hoofed. "Not now... not ever..." "If you need to get to Pantyville so soon, why not take the highway?" "It's 'Ponyville.'" Lyra squinted at him. "And what do you mean by 'the highway?'" "Y'know, lady..." The worker pointed at a distant platform looming on the southern edge of the Canterlot mountains, just beyond the walls of the royal city. "The highway!" "Oh no!" Lyra folded her forelimbs, huffing. "Out of the question!" "Pffft..." The mule resumed pushing his dolley. "Suit yourself!" "I'm serious, dude." Lyra frowned. "I'm Canterlot born and raised. Sure, I may have moved to a farm town in my adult years... but you can't take the blue-blooded aristocrat out of me! No siree! The last thing... the absolute last thing I am ever gonna do is try bumming a cheap-ass ride on a delivery flight across country!" Flight Platform – South of Canterlot – Upper Delivery Take-Off "Uhm... h-hi there!" Lyra smiled sweatily, waving a hoof as she stood alongside the runway. "Can I bother somepony to bum a cheap-ass ride to Ponyville?" "Mmmmff... get lost, lady," a mare grunted, attaching herself to a wagon full of shipping crates and slapping on a pair of goggles. "I've got a bunch of precious diamonds to haul towards Trottingham and I ain't got no time for weed-grazing musicians." Lyra frowned. "I do not graze on weed!" She took a deep breath. "And for your information, the likes of Paul Marecartney did that for years and has still lived for more healthy years than you and I combined!" "Hrmmmfff... stupid bleeding heart harp-twangers." FWOOOSH! And the mare took off with her wagon full of stuff. "Guh!" Lyra reeled, nearly bumping into a series of tarmac lights. "For the last time, it's not a harp!" Huffing, she spun about and waved her hoof high in the air. "Anypony else? I'll pay handsomely! And I promise that you'll get to insult me all you want along the way to Ponyville! That's for free!" FWOOOSH! FWOOOSH! FW-FWOOOSH! Lyra winced as more and more pegasi with chariots soared past her and into the sunset. "Come on! Please! Somepony! Anypony!" She waved her hoof higher and higher. "I'm waving! Hello?! Don't you all know the international sign for 'hitching?'" She frowned. "Dammit... my kingdom for a thumb..." "Hey Lauren!" A cheery voice echoed from the far end of the platform. "What are you doing here?! Come on over, I'll give you a ride back home!" "Oh! Oh my gosh!" Grinning wide, Lyra galloped towards the source of the voice. "You're a total life-saver! You have no idea how much you've—" She skidded to a stop, wincing. "Aww shit, it's Derpy." "Heeeeeeeeeeeey Lauren!" Derpy Hooves waved. "Fancy meeting you here!" She let loose a high-pitched giggle, her eyes darting in opposite directions. Lyra sighed. "Miss Hooves, we've been through this. It's Lyra." "Whatever you say, Lauren!" Lyra squinted. "Just what are you doing here in Canterlot, anyways?" "Oh... y'know..." Derpy picked up a bucket full of pinecones and dropped it into the back of a rickety, crooked chariot. "Just delivering this order of three week old kittens to Zecora! Heehee!" Lyra blinked at the rattling pinecones. "Wow... they look... so cute and fuzzy!" "Wanna cuddle onnnnne?" "No! No... I... uhm..." Lyra cleared her throat, rubbing the back of her head. "I don't suppose you... uh... have room for a backseat musician to carpool?" "Carpool?" Derpy winced. "Oh noooooo! I forgot my snorkel!" "What? No. That... guh..." Lyra composed herself, then stepped forward with a smile. "Miss Hooves, I would be humbled if you were so kind as to let me ride with you back to Ponyville while you made your... kitten delivery." "Oh, but of course, Lauren!" Derpy giggled, waving a hoof. "We'll both be back home in no time!" "Really?" Lyra smiled nervously. "Because I-I kinda sorta have to get back at a convincing time for my best friend to think that... uhm... er..." "Hmmm?" Lyra cleared her throat. "...I need her to believe that I came here to Canterlot for other reasons than I really did. And... uh... if we make it back before the four o'clock train arrives, then I should be in the green. You feel me?" "Of course I feel you!" Derpy reached forward, scruffing the unicorn's mane. "Feels like silky tarantula hair!" "Guhhh..." Lyra shivered. "Please... d-don't say 'tarantula.'" Derpy hitched herself to the wagon. "Hop on board, Lauren!" She blinked, realizing she had attached herself to the reins backwards. "Whoops! Eheheh... this... might take a while." Lyra approached the wagon full of buckets and pine cones... but lingered in place. A sharp tremble ran up and down her spine as she gulped a bit of bile down her throat. "Something wrong, Lauren?" "Oh. Uhm... nah. Nothing that..." Lyra clenched her eyes shut as she nervously climbed in. "...th-that a little bit of courage can't solve." "Scared of flying, huh?" Derpy giggled, disentangling herself with the reins—only to get tangled again. "You know, they have therapy sessions for that." "Yeah..." Lyra clenched her jay. "...they have therapy sessions for a lot of things." She sat in the back of the chariot, nestled between several buckets. "Uhm... this wagon is really squeaky. You sure it'll hold all this weight plus me?" "Oh, totally! Besides, I'm a safe flier!" "Wow... that's good to know," Lyra exhaled with a chuckle. "Yup!" Derpy reattached herself to the riggings and faced the end of the platform. "Why... it's been hours since I last crashed into a mountain!" "Wait... h-hours?!" Lyra's voice cracked. She flung a horrified look at the wagon, noticing several off-color wooden boards nailing the fractured, splintery bits together. "Uhhhh..." "Yup! I'm hoping to beat my last safety streak!" Derpy slapped a pair of goggles over her rotating eyes, licked her lips, and galloped forward. "Whelp... here goes nothing! Continent!" she hollered. "Oh goddess, regrets." Lyra shrank into the back of the wagon, curling up into a little ball. "Oh Goddess, regrets!" Derpy sped down the runway... took a sharp left out of nowhere and plummeted down the mountainside. Lyra's shrieking voice echoed through the heavens—but soon the two were lifting straight up, banking back south. "Offfff we goooooo!" Derpy Hooves cheered, evening the wagon out after much struggle. "Second star to the right and straight on until morning sickness! Heehee! That's an old joke my mom used to tell. Before the accident, of course. Hey! Look! Geese!" "Eyes on the skies, Miss Hooves!" "That's easy! With my eyes, I can watch two skies at once! You just watch the kittens now. They're afraid of heights... adorable little things. They always bite me when I touch them. Not sure why. Whoops! There's a mountain!" Canterlot – Commercial District Off in the distance... A gray pegasus pulled a rickety wagon in a loopty fashion, careening south. A mint-green passenger screamed at the top of her lungs... ...not that anypony in Canterlot was paying attention. Rich, affluent locals huddled inside a lamp-lit cafe, their worried eyes glued to a new-fangled black-and-white tube that was broadcasting a field reporter's monochromatic face. "We now go live to our field reporter in the frozen north who's covering the hostage situation still-ongoing in the Mirror Caverns just outside the Crystal Kingdom. Mr. Page?" "Thanks, Satin. Fillies and gentlecolts, I am currently standing outside the popular historal landmark known as the Mirror Caverns. And I know that the reception of this broadcast might be slightly foggy due to the weather flurries that we're having to deal with out here, but if you look behind me you may see the defensive perimeter that has been formed directly outside the mouth of the cave where the foals and their chaperones are being held against their will by the Yakyakistani militants..."