//------------------------------//
// Chapter 13 
// Story: Wet Dreams 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	“The Sauerkraut Incident,” as Twilight called it in her letter to the Princess, started shortly after she came to the difficult decision to turn the ship around and head for civilization.
“You guys know there is a supply of vitamin C on board, right?” I said.
“What are you talking about?” demanded Rainbow.  I indicated the can that I was eating from.  She made a face and called me a liar.
I shrugged.  “More for me.”
Well, once they all figured out I had been hoarding minerals—even if I hadn’t realized it—an inquiry was held.  Having only myself as a witness (and as an attorney), I didn’t stand much of a chance.  They charged me with dereliction of duty.
I wish the trial would have been long and epic because that would have given me lots of chances to muck with the proceedings, but with only eight of us aboard, it was open and shut within ten minutes.
“Well, now comes the sentencing,” said Twilight, the self-appointed judge.
“Make me walk the plank,” I suggested.
Her eyes went wide.  “Really?  I mean, we were only going to put you on bread and water rations for a week, but if that’s what you really want.”
I think she was expecting me to go, “No!  It was just a joke!”  After several seconds, she shrugged and banged the gavel.  “Sentencing is as follows: Valiant will walk the plank.”
We went up on deck and the plank was prepared.  I stepped out on it.  “You’re really going to do this?” I said.  “Abandon your Fleet Admiral out here in the middle of the ocean?”
“That’s right,” said Twilight, still sounding surprised that I’d suggested it.
“Well, in that case, I’m afraid that you are going to have to walk the plank.”  I swapped places with her.  “For charges of mutiny.  Seriously?  You were planning on abandoning your leader out here in the middle of the ocean?”
“But—but—” Twilight stammered.  “This is madness!”
Chuckling, I said, “You aren’t going to get the joke that you just set yourself up for, but trust me, it’s going to be good.”
I cleared my throat and kicked Twilight in the chest.  “Madness?  This is Sparta!”
Turning around, I saw the other five ponies and Spike looking on in horror.  They’d all heard the splash as the purple unicorn hit the water.  They really should have read the naval bylaws.  Disobedience of superior officers was a much more serious crime than waiting until the right moment to reveal a secret source of vitamin C.  That’s what happens when landlubbers go for a boat ride.  They get smacked right in the naïveity by unknown rules.
“Come on,” I said.  “Let’s go have some celebration kraut.”

Things were much quieter without Twilight.  When a letter arrived from Celestia, we all looked at each other and quietly tossed it over the side.  Nobody, myself included, wanted to talk about what had happened.
I think we all had different reasons for that, though.  Pinkie threw a going away party for Twilight.  The rest of us raided her stuff.  It all turned out to be good practice, however, because the next day we pulled into a pirate port.
It was a medium-sized island that had a sheltered cove and a volcano.  I took down the Equestrian flag and put up a pirate jack of my own design.
“What the buck is that?” demanded Applejack.
“Exactly what it looks like,” I answered.  “Celestia getting—”
“Arrg!” interrupted Pinkie, who had donned a pirate costume.  “If ye have to ask, ye needn’t know!”
“That’s a really great line,” I said.  “I’ll have to remember that.”
We pulled up to the dock.  The moose submarine had been hidden from view, which wasn’t too difficult being that it was a submarine.
There were creatures of all kinds in port.  A minotaur was standing on the dock when we arrived.  He looked up to the top of the mast and whistled.  “Wow, you guys must be hardcore.  That looks like Princess Celestia taking a—”
A massive explosion muffled his next words.  The minotaur didn’t appear to notice the blast.  I asked, “What was that?”
“Oh, the volcano does that sometimes.”  He shrugged.  “Just part of living on the Blowhole.”
I assumed that was the name of the island, and wondered vaguely about it.  Maybe it was because of the volcano.
We’d done our best to hide all our valuables on the ship, and felt kind of safe leaving it alone, even in a pirate haven.  Spike, the ponies, and I went for a walk.  There were a few fights in the street, creatures walking around with eye patches and peg limbs, and lots of brokenly accented speech.
“Hey you!  Orange pony!” called a voice.
“Yes?” answered Applejack and I.  A large male griffon came walking over to me, ignoring the mare.  “You don’t look like a pirate.”  He glanced at the rest.  “Except for that pink one, none of you do.”
I touched a small hole in my ear.  It’s kind of a long story, but to put it simply, there was this one time that I was fighting a vampony named Blueblood in the caverns beneath Canterlot Castle, and he punched a hole in the thin skin of my ear with one of his fangs.  To the griffon, I said, “Sorry, forgot my earring.”
He nodded, his expression slightly softer.  Rainbow said, “I’m a pirate.  Look how little time I spend grooming my mane.”
Rarity rolled her eyes, but decided to help us with the charade.  She snatched Applejack’s hat and quickly retooled it into a pirate tricorn.  The white pony explained, “Applejack is a pirate, too.  Fluttershy and I are…wenches.”
The griffon nodded, now smiling.  “Well, have a real fine day here at Blowhole.”
The real pirate left us alone, and we continued on, looking for a place to buy vitamins.  There was a greater species diversity here than any place I’d ever seen in the world.  There may have even been a few moose.  
The breeze shifted and I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks.
“What’s up, Valiant?” asked Rainbow.
“Does anypony else smell that?” asked Rarity.
“Ah’ve never smelt nothin’ like it before,” said Applejack.
“It’s…nice,” said Fluttershy.
“It’s amazing,” corrected Pinkie.  “What could it be?”
A big stupid grin slid across my face.  “It’s bacon.”