The spires of Canterlot Castle cast their long shadows across the city they guarded. Ponies no longer lingered in the streets since what was an overly warm afternoon had boiled over into a unbearably sweltering evening, even for a pony like myself who had been to the desert. Clouds did nothing to aid this and seemed weighted to their positions in the sky. Not even the wind was blowing. Rays of sunlight in the pink streaked sky were caught by the city's buildings which were mostly white in color.
Mercy on my good eye, because between being exposed to new shades of purple, other ponies who dare live in the same universe as me, and all these unbearably sunny days I fear for it more and more. Especially since the glare caused from certain objects is almost as bad as how the Empire must've looked on days like this before...
I look over to the Equestrian Royal guards that I have humored into thinking they can escort me. Perhaps I should have properly checked and of course, double-checked the disguise I used. Nopony but me has red eyes. Out of everything that could have gone wrong I simply ended up forgetting to re-color my eyes and attracted the attention of two of Celestia's soldiers or whatever they are. I was bored enough so I decided to pull a nice joke and go with them because surely there's a few more minor offenses I can add to the list of mine that I use to keep track of the less unfortunate part of my 'career'. I guess if I were in the mood I could put a humorous spin on it but for now I'll stick with messing with Straight Face and Straight Once-Removed.
Like the guards of the Crystal Empire their armor is wrought with small disguising charms to hide most distinguishing features and alter coat colors among other things that are to novice to interest me. Both are unicorns so the only way I can tell them apart is by their individual magic impression and the labels I have so kindly given them in yet another benevolent act of the Right-Honourable Lord Sombra.
I pause briefly and fully resume my expression of stoic disdain. For now I have stopped listing parts of my most recent exploits.
From my left, Straight Face eyes me in a pathetic attempt to seem like he knows what he's doing. All I figured out was that he was the older of the two, probably somewhere in his mid-thirties yet he seemed to treat me as one would treat a slightly more dangerous version of these 'university students' he goes on grumbling about when he thinks nopony else is listening. Ever since I've started talking he's stopped telling the few lingering idiots to stop lollygagging and whispered reverently to drown his sorrows and retire, probably in that order.
He may treat me like one might other ponies my age but his body language - which he also thinks I don't notice even though I've been carefully making sure that I can still glimpse all his movements despite his location - but his gaze clearly says otherwise. He believes he has caught a monster. I can hear how heartless he believes me to be. He does such a poor job of hiding it, in fact he's spoken better of his allegedly 'crazy' former wife than me. How unfortunate things would be if he knew I heard every word he spoke so far... how if he inches any closer to my bad side, I won't 'snap' for I will willingly hurt this stallion as coldly and simply as possible...
"Do you realize you have just confessed to at least eighty counts of theft, and in some kind of code as well?"
I scoff at his errors. "First of all it's called iambic pentameter and I wasn't confessing."
His eyes narrow in a stupid, slow-witted squint as we near the castle, which has considerably more activity than this morning. More of their kind walk about the place and stroll through the streets with a relatively calm demeanor. "Well then, what was it?"
"Boasting."
"Are you sassing me?"
"Not yet, and I'm sure you wouldn't know if I was being but lowly spawn when standing next to me. I think the gold in your armor really brings out the red in my eyes, wouldn't you say?"
Straight face scowls and looks like he'd honestly considering hitting me. That's right, me, the Right-Honourable Lord Sombra, Duke of Nothing. Who would ever even think of such a thing? What could I have possibly done to deserve such a thing?
MY GODS, WHAT ENTERTAINMENT I FIND IN THIS!
"Despicable bastard."
Oh, ho ho! Are you sure a mere colt like yourself should be using such words? "Well now, I can't exactly say I am the product of anypony's lawful union."
Straight Face acts like this revelation alone, which of course he took too literally being nothing but an ignorant fool, confirms that I am unforgivable and that my existence alone is a cri-
Well... that isn't so different from normal. Better he thinks I'm some illegitimate noble with a false sense of grandeur that lead to shallow and awful deeds than know what I really am, which is when things would get ugly and I really begin to snap.
I turn to face Once-Removed, a forced falsetto-like lilt finding its way into my tone to show the slightest shreds of just how thin my patience is at times. "What exactly have you thought of this little chat, hmm?"
Out of the two of them Straight Once-Removed is the one who is clearly less experienced... and he doesn't even try to hide his lack of control, when it comes to his emotions this is strongest and I can get whatever reaction I want from him and then some. It was only mere minutes earlier, before the boasting poetry that I jokingly - although that was unknown to him, I am good at deceiving others when I need to - talked him into ditching the mare he's been with. The sheer existential horror he went through was only intensified when I managed to convince him to ditch her for me. He honestly thinks I'm interested.
How pathetic.
Oh, and he's looking at me right now and he still believes it! I know his view of me isn't drastically different from Straight Face's either. His future is not only going to be incredibly awkward but probably similar enough to the one Straight Face imagined.
I didn't even have to use magic on him either, I rarely use mind altering magic if I can help it and it is useful to have the skill with words I do but it really does say something that I can convince a pony I don't think I've even known for an entire day to marry me.
Once-Removed's eyes cloud with all the possible stupid things he could utter, but instead he just gulps and stutters out a few syllables before returning to silence.
My frown deepens. I really need to find some new toys, these ones break too easily. I sigh loudly and look up at the castle. As far as they go I think this one is actually somewhat nice. It looks like there's all sorts of room for deserted hallways and it looks easy to get lost in, which is even better. I was so lost in thought that I didn't see the rude look that Straight Face gave me, and the sudden movement over to my left causes me to jump slightly.
I try not to kill him for laughing, I really do.
"I know, Straight Face, that you must think yourself to be so clever. You 'caught' a monster after all! A witless monster and I bet that you'll be telling your equally ignorant comrades about your grand feat. Oh, how happy you'd be to know that I'm a demon as well. Did your simpleton mother try to scare you with tales about those awful creatures? Surely, they can't think or even realize what is happening around them! Why, I must be positively stupid, but if I'm such a stupid demon who probably gobbles up foals then why is it such an accomplishment to catch me?"
His face darkens at my words before a look of embarrassment takes over when his nearby colleagues hear part of what I say and start to laugh a bit.
The condescending smile I give him earns me a kick in the side.
"Really, with a temper like that is it any wonder your wife left you?"
He's staring at me slack-jawed and looks utterly infuriated since I know I've hit a mark with a single educated guess and well-timed insult. Once-Removed is barely holding him back from whatever he thinks he'll be able to do to me and he ends up having to call over a few more guards to try to reign in this screaming stallion. Really? I'm almost surprised it takes this much force. His conduct and attempted fighting form is inferior to even an intoxicated pony's.
I'm just standing here and watching when a cloak of gold light separates each guard and holds Straight Face, who no longer lives up to his name, in place. No words need to be said on the part of the guards when the shadow of an Alicorn is cast over me.
"All I required was King Sombra be brought here," a familiar voice began in a calm tone, "but somehow that simple order has lead to this."
I stand as still as the guards, but not out of respect for the mare behind me. As always, I need to pay careful attention to my surroundings unlike these blokes.
The shadow of Celestia turns to where Straight Face is. "Stoic Bulwark, you are usually such a controlled stallion, what happened to allow this pandemonium?"
"Well Princess," he says, comrades still standing next to him, "It was the King..."
Apparently that's all the explanation Celestia needs.
"Very well then, I will discuss this issue with you later until then, King Sombra, follow me."
A moment of silence passes in which I know she wants me to follow her but I'm not know for obeying orders. She clears her throat loudly but I still don't move.
"Look at me," she orders, her voice steely.
I turn around to look at the dogmatic and irrational Alicorn mare.
"How things have changed," Celestia says coolly, "you no longer have your crown." She thinks the last part is a passable insult and I refrain from rolling my eyes, just for now. Sass is not wanton or artless.
"Things have changed, especially you, Celestia."
She doesn't flinch at my dry, level tone or find the latter to be suspicious for me. "In what way have I changed?"
"You've put on weight."
Ponies never change. The world doesn't change. Gods don't change.