Pinkie Pie calmly climbed into her bicycle, making sure each hoof fit nicely onto the pedal before putting her full weight on the device. Her mane, as thick and curly as ever, bounced with the beat of each movement her lithe body made. The sound of her hooves clopping on the hardened pavement resembled the rhythm of a snare drum, and the song made her eyes sparkle with a light the sun could not replicate.
When she was completely balanced on the bicycle, she swiveled her head to glance at the back of the sky-blue bike. Along with the striking jet-black texture of the wheels and the sterling silver gears within, there was something else that appeared in her clear vision;
A passenger seat.
Pinkie gasped, a long, droning shriek, as she saw it was empty. The two portions of the belt hung loose and fluttered whenever the bike swayed.
"Dashie!" she cawed. Her mane was but a magenta blur as her hawk-like eyes searched rapidly for any sign of the speedy pegasus. In the corner of one eye, there was a pale cyan figure heading for the hills.
Pinkie Pie uttered an animal-like scream and suddenly was gone, her being disappearing into thin air. Not even the thinnest strand of pink hair was left as she became void of existence.
Dashie's hooves pounded on the concrete, sometimes slipping on sweat that had escaped her brow. One of two reasons for the sweat was the clothing Pinkie Pie had forced her to wear- an orange shirt that squeezed her chest in ways it shouldn't and vibrant green pants that hugged places pants should not be allowed to hug.
Another reason was the insane, delirious pink Earth pony that was probably smelling her fear like a fresh hay-and-cheese sandwich.
"Dang, that mare sure runs fast," she muttered around her hanging tongue, "and has one heck of a sense of smell."
She contemplated flying up, up and away from this blasted place, but the tight shirt didn't give any room for her wings to unfurl, let alone fly. Her magenta eyes flashed with irritation.
Suddenly, her hooves topped moving and she stopped in her tracks. Rainbow Dash simply stood there, listening.
The angry sounds of Pinkie Pie's hooves had vanished.
She twisted around to get a good look at where she left her friend, by that accursed bike. It had fallen over, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.
Rainbow Dash gasped and began a mad dash for the nearest way of escape, her hooves barely touching the ground as she sped. Her face was frozen in a morbid combination of horror and despair. "N-not the-"
She couldn't finish her sentence, as there was a writhing mass of pink almost strangling her and practically sitting on her warm chest. From the deep, whirling figure covered in fur poked out a pair of ice-blue eyes.
"DASHIE!" growled the beast.
Rainbow Dash kicked out with her back hooves, but that only tightened the area around some of a mare's most private spots. She winced and gave into Pinkie Pie's wrath.
"I'm not getting on that thing, Pinkie."
"But Daashie..."
"No means no."
"You promised!"
Rainbow Dash sat on the pavement, her hooves crossed in rebellion. As funny as she looked, the pegasus was nothing compared to Pinkie Pie. The earth pony had donned a flimsy, earthy green shirt loosely attached to a pair of brown pants by way of a dark belt. She also had a realistic handlebar moustache that bounced as she talked and a helmet firmly placed over her wild mane.
"Then why don't I have a helmet?" Rainbow whined.
"Because I'm supposed to be the Irresponsible Dad, silly filly!" Pinkie answered as if her explanation was perfectly normal for one to say.
"There's two things wrong with this picture;" Rainbow Dash protested, "For one, I'm about to board a bike driven by Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie, with no safety other than a pitiful seat belt. Also, you are not in any way related to me."
"That's what all the teens say these days." Pinkie murmured, almost in sadness. "And I thought I was talking to a future Wonderbolt, not a prissy shut-in!"
Rainbow Dash was taken aback by this statement, and she clearly showed it. "I don't know you, dad." she hissed between her teeth.
"You are getting on this flipping bike, young lady, or with Celestia as my witness I will ground you!"
"No way! You're lying; I can see it in your eyes."
Pinkie Pie began climbing back on the bike, the metal creaking slightly. "One, missy..."
Rainbow Dash kicked out at a stone, sending it flying across the barren landscape. "Ha! The old 'count to three' trick. Nice try, pops."
"Two..."
Still she did not budge.
"Seventeen!"
Pinkie Pie's hoof seemed to defy the laws of physics for a split second, growing to an abnormally long length to grab hold of Rainbow's neck and fling her aggressive body into the flimsy bike seat, designed for little fillies and colts to accompany their parents. It practically screamed under her weight and threatened to collapse, but the laws of gravity apparently did not apply and she stayed safe and sound in her seat. "Piiinkiiee!"
The party mare extraordinaire began to pedal as fast as her hooves would go, making a thick cloud of pink arise from below and a few rogue sparks light up the dark concrete. Her eyebrows were scrunched up so heavily that only a sliver of blue remained.
For a moment, everything was slow, as if they were submerged in molasses. Dash felt every trace of fur on her body stiffen in anticipation, every fiber of her being prepare for what was still to come. A shockwave of lightning coursed through her spine, energizing Rainbow Dash's mind. She felt ready.
Then the wind blasted her face, tore off some of the skin and she screamed "I'M NOT READY!"
The moonstruck driver didn't hear her terrified words, so violently she was pedaling and so excited she was for what was planned for the two.
A rogue rock rushed up to meet the front-most wheel of the bicycle.
"Watch out for the stone!" Rainbow Dash squeaked.
Pinkie Pie laughed, her elegant moustache jiggling and a few stray strands of fluffy mane making an entrance. "Not a problem, my little Dashie!" she called. "It's just a pebble!"
This pebble had a large enough mass to throw the bike off-course and potentially damage anypony on board, in which it did both of these. It buckled and maneuvered sharply to the left in an illegal U-turn, and half of Pinkie Pie's moustache was ripped off thanks to the wind speed. "My mooooustache!" Pinkie cried.
"Shut up, dad." retorted Rainbow.
After they shoved the bike back into its regular course, the pegasus' eyes widened at a thought she didn't bother pondering until that very moment.
"Where are we going, Pinkie Pie?" she asked.
Pinkie Pie, at first, did not answer. Her eyes seemed locked onto a rapidly approaching bump in the road that seemed to be growing with every foot they travelled. Rainbow Dash couldn't help but notice her long, silky tail becoming straightened and some of the patches of mane flattening.
"Where are we going?" she repeated.
Silence.
"P-P-Pinkie?"
The bump began to crest into not an insignificant bump, but a medium-sized mountain that they began to ascend. Rainbow Dash made the mistake of looking down and nearly squawked like a Scootaloo in complete horror.
Suddenly Pinkie Pie's head began to pivot towards her, much like a owl. One pupil was dilated and a deep shade of blue, the other miniscule and a peppy shade of sky-blue. A psychotic smile was copy-pasted onto her face, almost too large for her cheeks to handle. Dashie had one eye on what had become of her friend and the other staring at the approaching hill. It was close enough to see over the edge, and she was not the least bit optimistic about what awaited them below.
"Honestly," Pinkamena rasped, "Dashie..."
Rainbow Dash let one eye slide towards the pedals- she couldn't see the magenta mare's hooves anymore, they were going so fast. She counted the seconds as the front-most wheel neared the edge.
"I DON'T CAAAAAAAAAAARRRRE!"
At once they were flying, flying across the gigantic, gaping hole below the steep hill. Sharp spikes happily poked out of the hole and awaited becoming shish-kabob sticks that glinted as they were spattered with crimson blood. Of course, Dashie screamed.
"DEAR SWEET CELESTIA PINKIE PIE! PINKIE PIIIEEE!"
The front wheel landed neatly on the opposite hill, ready to move on, but thanks to Rainbow Dash's weight (Rainbow Dash: Hey!) the other did not have as smooth as a landing. It never touched land, and simply twirled in midair.
"Okay, Pinkie Pie," Rainbow Dash cooed. "Calm down."
"Shut up, kid!" Pinkamena snarled. Rainbow took a double take as her mind concluded that this was not her perky pal's usual voice at all, but one of an uptight father. "Don't make me turn this machine of pain and horror around!"
Rainbow Dash, out of options, decided to play along. "But daaaaaaaaaaaaad..."
"Quiet you!" Pinkie Pie leaned forward until her flank was proudly raised (Much to Rainbow Dash's combination of arousal and dismay) and began to pedal once more. She grunted and a single drop of sweat rolled down from her brow, but nothing stopped the pink pony as the bike began to dip forward. Slowly at first, centimeters at a time, they trudged forward with the back wheel and Rainbow beginning to follow. Her eyes shone as one half of the wheel made it onto the cold, heartless concrete with a dull thud.
Suddenly Pinkamena jerked backwards, the laws of physics bending to her will and pushing the two forward. Her balloon-covered plot was thrust straight into Dashie's face, and the pegasus felt the tight shirt's edges rip as her wings threatened to make an appearance. "I like this position." she murmured around a sea of silky tail.
"Of course you do, kid." Pinkamena blushed furiously, but didn't let anypony know of her sudden happiness.
Rainbow was about to reply when from out of nowhere two arrows flew at their vital organs from different directions. She let out a muffled cry and buried her muzzle deeper into the depths of Pinkie Pie.
One arrow flew at Pinkamena's heart; with a tilt of the handlebars she sidestepped the lethal weapon's shining point and had it only graze the coarse hairs of one hoof. Only a few seconds after regaining normal speed and angle, the hoof fell off.
"Dad, your hoof fell off!" Rainbow cried. Even from her position, a few crimson droplets landed across her dapper shirt.
"That's only a small sacrifice!" the chauffeur answered.
"What's the big one?"
"YOU!"
The other arrow had not stopped a straight-forward route, aimed directly at one of the rubber handlebars. Pinkamena thrust them sideways and pedaled like there was no tomorrow, twisting in such a way that Rainbow Dash's seat was in the crossfire.
Rainbow ducked, but the arrow hit one hoof and went straight through the other side covered in a thick layer of blood. A tiny wound remained as it flew off into the distance. "What the heck, Pinkie Pie?!" she screeched.
"It's Pewdiepie to you, son!" came the reply.
"Pewdiepie, I lost my hoof!" Rainbow whined as the damaged hoof flew clean off, the shoe with it.
"I don't CAAAAAARRE!" Pinkie's voice made her plot rumble, as if it were an ominous storm.
Another hill, much smaller than the last, approached them. Pewdiepie did the obvious and jumped it.
"Front flip!" she exclaimed as she did just that.
"Dad, that was a back flip." Rainbow replied.
"DON'T QUESTION MEEEE"
Rainbow Dash's comment destroyed her pal's concentration, and their bicycle stopped in mid-backflip. It plummeted like a flightless unicorn onto the concrete, crushing one wheel entirely and barely clipping Pewdie's head. The wheel squealed and spontaneously combusted, catapulting the bike's charred remains, plus the ponies, into the nearest spike-filled pit that happened to be filled with shirtless Fluttershys.
Along the way, Pewdiepie lost her helmet.
"Ooh, you don't have safety!" Rainbow Dash cawed.
"I can assure you," the half-mustached-non-helmet-ed Pewdiepie hissed, "I am perfectly safe. Why, we're only falling into a pit of pointed, deadly spikes with only a teeny chance of survival, and to top it all off, the pit is also acting as a home to a horde of shirtless Fluttershys! Perfectly safe!"
Rainbow Dash was the first to perish, but not by the spikes impaling her on the cranium. The brave pegasus had fallen victim to one shirtless Fluttershy's brutal cuddling and cooing. Pewdie got stabbed through the moustache by a random gear from the sky-blue bicycle. A vermilion, pixilated sign depicting the word "VICTORY!" popped up onscreen, accompanied by a horn sounding off a few notes and a bucketful of confetti.
"Aww yeah, that level was boss!" a female voice, gruff and raspy, exclaimed. "Five flipping stars!" A tiny arrow moved swiftly across the screen and clicked the five-star option on the rating scale. Five bright yellow stars flickered their thank-you and were silent once more, awaiting her next move.
"Should I try it with a new character?" the voice mused. "Segway Spike or Lawnmower Lyra looks like they have the guts to beat BlueBlood1's record..."
She thought long and hard about this decision, the mouse swaying back and forth like a charmed snake. "Decisions decisions," she thought...
"Eh, I'll watch the replay."