//------------------------------// // Chapter 6: I'm Running Out of Chapter Jokes // Story: Twilight VS Anime // by Lupine Infernis //------------------------------// 1055 AD, April 19th Previously on Twilight VS Anime… “He’s Flim!” “He’s Flam!” “And together we’re-” “And together we’re-” The showboating brothers disappeared beneath the bulk of their mecha as it inexplicably fell over and exploded for no reason. “RRRGGGH GRRRROOOUND!!” Fluttershy frothed at the mouth as she rapidly spun in a vicious circle that tore up Canterlot’s roadwork. “Posing!” Pinkie contorted painfully into a spectacular pose so that she could summon a ghostly pink apparition that reluctantly copied her exaggerated position. “Hurts so good!” Episode 7 希少性は、かつて一生懸命それのメモリは、彼の将来の子供たちを楽しみに送信された痴漢を蹴りました Kishō-sei wa, katsute isshōkenmei sore no memori wa, kare no shōrai no kodomo-tachi o tanoshimini sōshin sa reta chikan o kerimashita – Wrath of the Last True Alicorns of Equestria!! “Oh, thank Faust we’re finally here!” Twilight and her friends trotted into the spacious entrance hall of the castle. There were no guards to be seen, but the six mares caught a glimpse of colour before it vanished behind a large porcelain vase standing on a small table. Above it was a glorious painting of Celestia in one of her most famous moments in Equestrian history: Headbutting a large bulldozer into scrap metal after somepony on the Royal Court decided it would be perfectly fine to demolish a pastry store without her knowledge. “The Cakes have that framed up in the kitchen; it’s an inspiration to bakers and food fanatics everywhere,” Pinkie sniffed and placed her hoof over her heart as she admired the painting. “Although, I don’t think the Celestia in their painting has eyes that follow you around.” “Hmm…” Twilight hummed as she looked around the hall with suspicious eyes. “Do any of you girls know where we’re supposed to go? You know, since you and Discord have conversations behind my back.” “Well, you go to the bathroom whenever he shows up,” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “So it’s more like conversations behind your-” Twilight turned to stare at her. “… Th-throne room.” Twilight narrowed her eyes for several tense seconds before turning and making her way towards the carpet-covered stairs that led to the first floor. Rainbow Dash exhaled in relief and swiped her brow. Her mane was swept forwards a second later to cover her face as Applejack trotted past with a teasing chuckle. Rainbow Dash blew a raspberry, corrected her mane, and went after her with a sinister grin that promised immediate retribution. “Ooh, you’re gonna get it, farm girl…” Fluttershy and Rarity were the last to climb the steps, and the latter paused in place when she realized somepony was missing from their group. Turning, she surveyed the entrance hall and spotted Pinkie looking up at another painting. “Pinkie dear?” “Yuh-huh?” “Are you coming?” “… Yeah, be right there!” Pinkie turned on the spot and bounced away happily, leaving the painting that depicted Luna in one of her more recent crowning moments of Equestrian history: Cowing a giant sea serpent over ten times her size with nothing but the Royal Canterlot Voice and a wooden cumulusball bat. Unbeknownst to Pinkie Pie, the eyes of the enraged Luna followed her as she left. For whatever reason, they had to take the longest route to the throne room. All the little shortcuts that Twilight had learned about when she was a filly were sectioned off by signs that said, ‘This hallway/staircase/door doesn’t exist’. And when Twilight did find a hallway that hadn’t been sealed off, one of the paintings hanging on the walls politely asked her to go the other way before insisting that they were totally not a guard. So a trek through the castle that should have taken only a few minutes was stretched into twenty. It certainly didn’t help when Pinkie stopped by the kitchen to grab some snacks from the pantries. “If no one’s around and there’s no bowl to put your change, then it’s free!” Pinkie explained while scarfing down some pastries. By the time they arrived at the throne room’s large double doors, Twilight was one hair away from smacking a filly. “Alright…” Twilight inhaled deeply to cool off, and turned to face her friends. “Are we all ready? I get the feeling that once we enter this room… we’ll be in the biggest and must nonsensical fight of our lives.” Her friends – with their frosting-covered lips – nodded and cheered enthusiastically. “Yeah, we’re awesome!!” “Ah’m gonna lay down th’ law, ya’ll can count on tha’!” “Ready as ever, darling.” “Let’s have a party!” “Oh… I-I guess I’m prepared to, um… beat somepony down… I guess?” Twilight nodded and turned. Taking a deep breath, she reared up onto her back legs, placed her forelegs against the doors, and started to… “…” Suddenly, she went back down on all fours and turned to regard her friends with a suspicious glare. They shuffled nervously beneath her gaze. “Why…” Twilight began in a low voice. “Do I get this feeling that the instant we go through these doors, I’m going to be upset?” “Upset?” Rainbow Dash repeated with a fake laugh. “Well, you’re always upset whenever we fight, remember? I mean… when I was fighting Lightning Dust, you looked so tired and fed up, and I was, like… ‘why the long face’? Hee hee…” “…” Twilight pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes. “Applejack.” Applejack gave a look like Big Mac had just announced that he was moving to Manehatten with the intention of legalizing marriage between a stallion and his farm tools. “Y-yeah, sugarcube?” “Is something going to happen to us the instant we walk through these doors?” Rarity frowned deeply. “Dear, that is rather under-hoofed.” Twilight levelled her with the same suspicious gaze. “Two months ago. Baking competition. One soufflé ruined by Sweetie Belle. A certain spell book mysteriously missing from my library the same day.” “... Ah, the double-edged sword – how dramatic.” “So, Applejack?” “Ehhh… no,” Applejack shook her head. “Ain’t nothing’s gonna happen tha’ll affect all of us the instant we walk through those doors.” “… Okay then.” Turning back and inhaling deeply, Twilight reared up on her back hooves, pressed her forelegs against the doors, and started to push. A ray of light peeked through the gap, blinding her and briefly causing her to pause in pushing before she gritted her teeth and continued anyway, her head lowering as a defense against the brilliant light. Creeeeeak She pushed until the doors were so far apart that her legs could no longer reach, and fell back onto all fours. The light was still so intense; she stretched out one wing and held it in front as she walked forwards. Pomf Pomf Pomf Pomf Pomf “…?” Twilight spun around, took one look, and immediately started getting upset. “Are. You. Kidding. Me?” Her friends lay groaning on the floor, twitching and struggling to get back up with all the theatrics of a Bridleway cast at a premier viewing. “Oh no!” Applejack cried in pain. Genuinely. “There. Is a magic field tha’ is hurtin’ us… badly. Ah cannot believe… this is happenin’. We are damsels in distress!” “We’re the most distressed of the damsels!” Rainbow Dash moaned, arching her back as if she were getting electrocuted. “Owie! I am in pain!” Pinkie tittered as she rolled around on the floor. Twilight facehooved. “Applejack! You said-” “Ah said nothin’ would happen tha’ would affect all of us!” Applejack quickly interjected. “‘S’only five of us tha’ are gettin’ hurt.” Twilight’s face flushed a darker shade of purple. “B-but…! You…!” She spluttered lamely. “That’s still a lie! It’s a lie by omission!” “Ah can handle those better than a straight-up lie.” “Why you… lying pony that embodies Honesty!” Twilight jumped when she suddenly heard laughter that didn’t come from one of her friends. She quickly spun around, eyes wide in alarm. “Welcome… Chosen Killjoy…” At the end of the enormous throne room sat two figures, reclining into their thrones. The one on the right was an intimidating mare enshrouded in a dark cloak; oily shadows licked at her hooves and stretched across her side of the room like black spider webs. The figure on the left, in contrast, was a stark white mare of impressive stature adorned in golden pieces of armor with a pure white cape flowing from a bronze choker with a studded diamond. Radiance poured from her body, blanketing her side of the room in blinding light. The effect was no more comforting than the shadow-wreathed mare. Twilight squinted against the light. “Princesses…” Princess Celestia, Heart of the Sun A majestic mare with a memory as long as mountains are old Princess Luna, Heart of the Moon Still upset because Celestia forgot her birthday Her once-mentor chuckled sinisterly and, mercifully, toned down her radiance, allowing Twilight to see the wicked grin she had on her face and the glowing red of her irises. “Welcome…” The princess repeated, rising to her full height and extending her massive wings. “To your doom!!” “…” “…” “…” Celestia grimaced and hung her head sheepishly. “That… that sounded better in my head.” “I told you that you should have left the introductions to me!” Luna whispered fiercely, throwing her hood back with a directed glare. “No offense, ‘Tia, but you are not scary when you try so hard.” “Maybe I didn’t say it loud enough…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Um… so are you-” “Welcome to your doom!” Twilight yelped and flattened her ears while her friends stopped their dramatic groans to do the same with indignant cries. “Ow, hey! We’re actually in pain now!” Rainbow Dash whined. Celestia blushed and glared at the high ceiling. “Darn echo.” “Oh, so when I use the Royal Canterlot Voice in the castle you get all uppity, but it’s alright for you to do it?” Luna huffed, digging at one ear with one eye closed in discomfort. “Luna, it makes the staff uneasy when you use it when they’re trying to sleep.” “But it’s near morning when I do it anyway! And I don’t use it to wake them up: I prod them till they stir and then use it. Think of it like a vocal glass of cold water.” “Yes, a vocal glass of cold water which incidentally bills me for therapy sessions.” Luna poked her tongue out. “Very mature. Look – we’ll discuss this later; right now, we need to get back on schedule.” Whipping her flowing cape to the side, Celestia put her ‘game face’ back on and gave a booming laugh as she stepped off the throne’s dais. “So you made it this far, hm? I’m impressed by your tenacity, Chosen Killjoy. But I’m afraid your journey ends here,” She cackled again and grandly pointed towards Twilight, who stood her ground in sheer bewilderment. “You see – we knew that your friends would be able to defeat our minions; they are weak, after all. So the Lord of Chaos bestowed a spell upon them without their knowing. As they fought your friends, the spell that they carried was transferred over to them, and on the Lord of Chaos’ command it activated, and now they are completely helpless!” “It really seems like they’re just acting.” Twilight replied, suspiciously looking over her shoulder. “No, no! They are most assuredly unable to fight! Right, Luna?” Luna placidly stepped off the dais and joined her sister. “Yes. They are weighed down by the heaviest thing imaginable,” She narrowed her eyes. “Angst.” Twilight sighed. “Of course they are. Well, I guess there’s no point arguing. I suppose this is the part where I have to step up? ‘Show my stuff’, as they say?” “Mwa ha ha ha ha!!” Celestia laughed again, her evilness at maximum. “We are the last true alicorns of Equestria! The Lord of Chaos’ most powerful servants! What hope could you possibly have against us on your own, Chosen Killjoy? For it was your friends that carried you this far! It was your friends that battled all those other threats!” “You will never get past us, ‘hero’,” Luna snickered, the shadows around her pulsating like a tar-black heart. “We will shall put an end to your miserable quest, and Equestria shall remain stuck in this Anime Limbo forever!!” A bolt of lightning cracking behind her added emphasis to her last word, and caused Twilight to flinch. The smell of ozone permeated the air. But Twilight was not to be frightened so easily – the fate of all logic and a good long nap depended on her; she couldn’t lose! “Discord said that I had to come to Canterlot to put a stop to this!” She snapped, surprised by the conviction in her own voice. It came so naturally, even though she knew there was no real danger. “He said that there was another here! Another pony who shared my destiny! Where are they?!” “Oh ho, so the heroine has a backbone,” Celestia bared her teeth maliciously. “Then perhaps this won’t be as boring as I thought it would be.” “I said…!” Twilight drew in a breath and stepped forward, chest puffed out and wings flaring out to effectively make her seem larger. “Where. Are. They?!” Celestia and Luna flinched, briefly breaking character from the surprise of hearing the young princess shout so ferociously. “Oh my…” Celestia pressed a hoof to her mouth, grinning as surprise gave way to pride, before she fell back into her role, and gave a sinister chuckle. “Heh. Very well. Cast your gaze on the one that shares your sentiments! Behold!” She gracefully turned and gestured towards the thrones. At first, Twilight saw nothing, but Celestia’s horn lit up, and then the air surrounding the dais seemed to wave and flicker like a disturbed pond. Pixels of golden light danced to the floor as the shape of a pony began to come into sight, curled in on themselves with thick chains binding their limbs together and- “What is…?!” Twilight balked and – okay, she admitted it, she stared – felt heat rise in her cheeks. “S-Star Secret?” The mare in question looked up stoically. “Yes. Greetings to you, too, Princess Sparkle.” Star Secret, the Seventh Representative A member of the Royal Court who could have possibly been a threat in another timeline “You’re the, uh… the one who shares my feelings?” Twilight asked awkwardly, averting her gaze. Star Secret nodded. “That is correct.” “…” “…” “…” “By all means, address the elephant in the room.” “Why are you wearing… that?” Star Secret sighed. “Apparently, this attire is what female captives usually wear when they are first introduced.” ‘Attire’ was too generous a word – the outfit consisted of a very short, white skirt that barely covered Star Secret’s cutie mark and a thin, silver shirt that opened up around the chest with a light red gossamer veil stretched between the flaps, giving a teasing view of Star Secret’s sleek coat and toned muscles. A dull grey tiara studded with a beautiful sapphire rested on her brow. Perhaps the most scandalous part of the outfit was a black saddle with white fur lining and small diamonds studded along the rim. “Personally…” Star Secret grumbled as she examined the silver horseshoes on her feet. “It seems like a ploy to cater to the tastes of the male audience.” “I see,” Twilight mumbled, still looking away with a bright blush on her face. “Well, don’t worry, Miss Secret! You’ll be free soon and then we can put a stop to this madness together!” “I await your heroic rescue with baited breath.” “Oh, that’s rich, isn’t it, Luna?” Celestia covered her mouth with her hoof and laughed cruelly. “The Chosen Killjoy believes she can stand up to the both of us.” “You do not even have powers in the first place,” Luna pointed out, grinning savagely as Twilight’s face fell. “In fact, this entire journey you have been bemoaning your fate and your inability to comprehend the ‘anime’ that everypony has displayed. How can you possibly face us with no Anime to call your own?” “Because she won’t be facing you!” Celestia and Luna’s grins faltered, and Twilight perked up and turned in surprise. Her eyes widened. “You?” Trixie’s cape billowed behind her dramatically as she strutted into the throne room, head held high with a triumphant smile that could rival the sun itself for sheer brightness. “Yes, dear Twilight! It is I – the Great and Powerful Trrrrrixie!!” She jerked her head to the side and announced with less enthusiasm, “Along with friends.” Iron Will flexed his way into the room to the exuberant cheers of the crowd of ponies that had inexplicably appeared on the sidelines, once again seated on bleachers that were pulled along by a single goat. “Ooh yeah! Iron Will is ready to test his mettle against the pony princesses of Equestria!” He puffed out one bicep and kissed it. “Viewers at home should take note that what Iron Will just said is much more bull-like than it sounds, ooh yeah!!” Lightning Dust trudged her way in, cursed and stumbled when Trixie’s cape slapped her in the face, tripped over Applejack, and rolled head over heels before righting herself and walking on as if nothing happened. The crowd whooped in delight and held up scores of ‘10’ and ‘9’. “Don’t think that this says anything about us, Rainbow Crash…” Lightning Dust growled, specks of lightning dancing across her body. “If anypony’s going to kick your butt, then it’s going to be me.” Trailing dark grey smoke behind them, Flim and Flam flew through the doors, and landed on either side of a startled Twilight. Box-shaped jetpacks were strapped to their backs, metal gauntlets fitted their limbs, and a bandolier full of several other gizmos were tightly secured across their chests: all of it was scrapped from the remains of their mech as well as a few microwaves kindly ‘donated’ by ponies who incidentally had their backs turned. “Why, don’t look so surprised, Miss Sparkle!” Flam said, reaching out to close the princess’ mouth. “Indeed, brother!” Flim agreed. Celestia and Luna grimaced darkly as their former allies stood together in front of Twilight like a protective barrier. “You risk the wrath of the Lord of Chaos?” Luna questioned quietly, the shadows around her turning thick and sludgy. “A poor decision.” “We heard everything,” Trixie sniffed haughtily. “Trixie and her minions were waiting behind those doors-” “Minions? Iron Will didn’t agree to any contract marking you as his employer!” “-for the perfect time to barge in. You think us weak, do you?” Celestia nodded slowly. “You lost.” “Er… w-well, that may be the case, but Trixie is still insulted, and now she has another reason to put her might alongside the Heroic and Courageous and Erotic Chosen Killjoyaaaahh…” Trixie’s cheeks darkened and she trailed off. “… Er, disregard Trixie’s last few words.” “No.” Star Secret replied, stone-faced. “Wh-what?” Twilight shook her head in confusion. “What are you guys doing here? I-I thought…” “Trixie thought about just leaving you to your duties…” Trixie began, looking over her shoulder. “But then she remembered how weak and deliciously vulnerable you are, so she decided to come help! No doubt you are in awe of Trixie’s thoughtfulness and dramatic entrance, hm?” “Um, I don’t-” “Well, don’t think too long on it!” Trixie huffed, turning back round. “She’s only doing this because you’re so pathetic, b-baka!” “And Iron Will’s helping because your friend gave him a glorious battle!” The large minotaur inhaled and pushed out his mighty pecs, briefly stunning the princesses into a starry-eyed and drooling mess. “I already told you: I’m the only one that’ll beat Rainbow Derp over there…” Lightning Dust grumbled. “Publicity!” Flim and Flam threw their forelegs to the side and did ‘jazz hooves’. “Publicity!” “Sit back and regain your strength, Twilight’s useless friends!” Trixie threw her cape out to the side – clubbing one of Iron Will’s goat attendants with a distressed bleat – and tilted her hat up so it didn’t cover her eyes. They were hard and had a steely glint to them. “The Great and Powerful Trixie and Co. will deal with these two.” Twilight scratched at her head while her friends struggled to get back up. “Nngh!” Pinkie grimaced and panted in exertion. “Quick, ponies on the bleachers and the one changeling – put your hooves in the air and give us your power!” The crowd did so and small pixels of light started appearing in the air. “Gyagh! No, don’t take power away from us!” “So you truly believe you can take on both my sister and I?” Celestia questioned, swiping some saliva from her lips. “You may have us outnumbered, but you are severely outmatched. Mountains have crumbled before us and vast plains have been split into canyons by our power.” “We are old beyond your comprehension and have seen every single strategy and technique in battles,” Luna continued. “Before us, you are children – what hope do you have, really?” “The hope…” Trixie’s horn lit up and crackled with electricity. “Of the power of the Heel-Turn!” Luna and Celestia exchanged bemused glances before the former melted into the inky blackness pooling at her feet and the latter dispersed into golden pixels of light. Trixie shot out a bolt and Iron Will flexed his pecs to send out a gust of wind in the shape of a fist; both went wide of their mark, and the cluster of golden pixels corkscrewed high into the air before reforming back into Celestia. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!” She laughed merrily as a flicker of flame spouted from her horn and swiftly expanded into a miniature sun. Flim grabbed a small canister from his belt and tossed it at the mare. “Brother!” “Indeed!” Flam took aim with one of the gauntlets on his forehooves and fired a beam of magic. The beam struck the canister and caused it to explode in a burst of white foam that splattered onto Celestia’s face. Blinded, she yelled and cast down the huge fireball, sending the temperature of the room skyrocketing. The brothers and Iron Will dodged to one side while Trixie and Lightning Dust dodged to the other, leaving the attack to scorch the floor and send out a wave of heated air. Trixie pressed down on her hat so it wouldn’t fly off; her magnificent cape was warded to fend off fire, but the amount of power Celestia had was overwhelming; such power could be more than a match for even the Great and Powerful Trixie! “So, Great and Loud Trixie…” Lightning Dust began as she summoned a storm cloud to ride on. “What’s the plan?” “Simple!” Trixie winked confidently at her comrade. “Trixie shall bedazzle Celestia with her awesome magical powers while you charge up, transform into a dragon, and eat her. Figure I’d give you a chance to shine.” “Can’t transform.” “What?” “Need to draw on a storm’s power and that can’t fit in here. And it needs to be natural, so…” Lightning Dust shrugged. “Your magic won’t help us there.” “… So what good are you to the Great and Powerful Trixie?!” Lightning Dust bristled and her nostrils flared, a rebuke on her tongue, but it was interrupted as Celestia teleported behind her with a great sword of flame extending from her horn, and the pegasus commanded her cloud to zip in the opposite direction. She lost a few tail hairs, but it was better than getting knocked out of the match in one hit. Her pride couldn’t take that. “Impressive dodge,” Celestia complimented as she floated in place, the length of her fire sword twisting and churning, matching her astral mane as blue and magenta deepened to red and orange. “But it won’t help you. Lightning and wind – neither are a match for the power of the sun.” “Hmph! We’ll see about that.” Trixie drew herself up to her full height as Lightning Dust arrived at her side, more than a little miffed about the smoking end of her tail. “Huh?” Iron Will’s hooves were suddenly rooted to the floor the instant he dodged the fireball. He looked down to see he was standing in an inky black puddle that felt cold to the touch. “Hey! What’s the big idea holding me down? Iron Will gets held back by no one!” Black tendrils crept out from the blackness, slithering up his legs and stealing warmth from wherever they touched. The large minotaur shuddered and struggled harder, grunting and heaving with all his might. “Grrr! Iron Will ain’t no schoolcow! Keep your tentacles where they belong! Hnnf!” “Tentacles have a rather… ‘esoteric’ reputation in anime culture, but I assure you that mine are of a more…” A voice like honey whispered in his ear and Iron Will saw, in the puddle, two round solid-white eyes and a large unsettling smile. “‘Constrictive nature’.” In response, the oily tentacles, now crawling across his chest, tightened their hold; Iron Will’s arms were tightly bound to his own body, and with his struggles lessened he began to sink into the puddle. “Do not fret,” Luna chortled darkly as he was swallowed from the waist down. “You are only being taken out of the battle. Relax and let the darkness cradle you ‘til your eyes close and your breathing slows…” Iron Will gritted his teeth in a determined grimace as a tendril snaked around his forehead. “Er, Iron Will hates to say it, but he could use a little help right about now!” Flim and Flam – literally standing next to the puddle – blinked out of their daydream and rushed to grab the minotaur underneath his armpits. “So sorry, my good sir!” Flam apologized with a sheepish grin. “She was talking, you see,” Flim added. “So we had to stand by and wait until she was done, expository villainess that she is.” Activating their jetpacks, the brothers managed to garner enough force to rip the minotaur free from the puddle with a loud pop. The tendrils snapped off, regenerated, and lashed about angrily before sinking back into the darkness. A second later, when the brothers let Iron Will down a safe distance away, the puddle rippled and bulged as Luna emerged. “Hmph…” She curled her lip in distaste, pitch black streaks of darkness peeling away from her face. “So you wish to suffer before you are defeated? Very well – let it be known that your chance of a swift defeat was stolen away by your actions, not mine.” “Your threats don’t scare us, my dear.” Flam boasted. Luna stretched her foreleg to the side and a huge, black scythe with a blade made of serrated shadow formed in her grasp. “Ha ha!” Flim laughed nervously. “You will be sorely disappointed by the fact that my brother and I already went to the bathroom.” “Iron Will isn’t afraid of some pointy stick!” Iron Will snorted and placed his meaty hands on the brothers’ backs. “Because Iron Will has a good throwing arm!” “Wait, what?” “Wait, what?” “HOOOOAAAH!!” Luna blinked in surprise and dodged a screaming Flam, but was too slow to avoid Flim, who impacted with her chest hard enough to knock the air from her lungs and send her reeling backwards. The puddle beneath her stretched and splattered into the air like dark water as she hit the ground, and Luna briefly sank into it to appear back on her feet, teeth clenched in annoyance. “Your disregard for your comrades may give you an advantage, but it’ll take more than-” CRUNCH “…” Despite the expected pain that would accompany having a minotaur smash his fist into one’s face, the discomfort was second compared to Luna’s irritation. She sighed. “Okay… okay…” Clenching her jaw, she pushed Iron Will back with her face and punched him low, sending him skipping against the floor that cracked beneath his weight. “Okay.” “Flash Barrage!” Lightning Dust fired several dozen lightning arrows from her crossbow that, to her annoyance, splashed harmlessly against Celestia’s body. The larger mare laughed mockingly and retaliated with a swipe of her fire sword. Lightning Dust leaned backwards to avoid it, a tiny lick of flame dancing teasingly in front of her eyes. As she dashed away, Trixie stepped up and stomped her forehooves against the floor. “Static Snare!” Electricity arced out of her hooves, bounced along the floor, and streaked up when they were beneath Celestia, quickly forming into giant clawed hands that grabbed at the white alicorn. “Ahn!” Celestia thrashed against the claws, the electricity doing little damage but stinging badly nonetheless. “Why you…!” Trixie grimaced, a sweat drop forming on her brow. “That’s not going to hold her for very- eep!” Celestia’s sword suddenly flared and gained several inches of length which she used to try and get Trixie; the showmare was narrowly saved when Lightning Dust grabbed her by the cape and pulled her back into her forelegs. Okay, onto the cold hard floor. “Our powers aren’t working!” Lightning Dust growled in frustration, firing off another bolt for emphasis. “We need something else – something cold or windy or… or something!” “Ooh, if only the Great and Powerful Trixie chose ice for her power instead of electricity!” Trixie moaned as she stood back up, rubbing a visible bump on her head. “Then this battle would be so much easier.” “…” Lightning Dust looked down at her hoof – crackling with the element she was named after – in contemplation… and was struck by an epiphany. With a gasp, she looked back at Trixie. “Hey, you think you can handle her by yourself for a few moments?” “W-well, the Great and Powerful Trixie might be-” “Perfect.” Trixie gaped as her comrade abandoned her, just as Celestia broke free of the claws with a fiery explosion. “Wh-what?! How could you abandon your leader? The Loveable and Esteemed Trixie?!” She backed up nervously as Celestia’s shadow fell over her. “G-gulp!” Iron Will wasn’t having much luck against his opponent. His first hit was a lucky one because now his fists and Flex Winds just passed right through Luna as if she were as intangible as the shadows that coiled and bled from her body. Of course, that didn’t mean she couldn’t hit him. The princess of the night snuck through his guard with a punch to the ribs and conjured a spire of shadow to launch him into the air. Jumping up with him, Luna grabbed her scythe and turned into a swirling ball, her pitch black blade striking the minotaur several dozen times before one final overhead swing knocked him back down. For a brief instant, a symbol reading ‘36x Combo’ floated above Luna’s head in solid white letters before fading out. Flim and Flam flew on either side of Luna and fired magic beams from their gauntlets. Luna couldn’t phase through magic, but it still barely did anything; she ignored the pain and summoned two tendrils to stretch out and wrap around the brothers’ torsos, crushing their jetpacks before coiling back and smashing them against one another, and then depositing the dazed stallions back onto the floor. “Ah hah hah hah hah!!” Luna laughed maliciously as she floated on a mass of slithering darkness, using the tip of her scythe to pick at her hooves. “If this is all you can muster, then it’s no wonder the Chosen Killjoy’s friends got past you. A shame, really – I was hoping for a challenge.” Below, the three villains-turned-heroes groaned in pain. Flim and Flam were forced to unbuckle the jetpacks and leave them to smoke and spark on the floor. Iron Will grunted in effort as he extracted himself from the crater he had formed and got onto his hands and knees. “Rrggh… Come on – we can’t give up! When the going gets tough… then you must get rough!” “I’d rather give up.” Flim replied. Flam nodded. “I agree. Can’t we just motivate ourselves to give up?” Iron Will snorted derisively. “You two could use one of Iron Will’s seminars!” “Oi!” The trio looked up to see Lightning Dust fly and land beside them. “Weren’t you with Trixie?” Flam asked. Lightning Dust shrugged dismissively. “Eh, she can handle herself for a few seconds.” An explosion of fire from behind cast orange light against her back. She didn’t seem particularly bothered by the following yelp of terror and string of insults involving her name either. “Listen – neither of us are having much luck defeating the princesses…” Lightning Dust bent her legs and lowered her voice, enough that the brothers and Iron Will had to crawl a few inches so they could hear over Luna’s monologue and Celestia’s laughter and explosions. “And we can’t let them get together, so why don’t we switch?” Flim tilted his head. “Switch, eh?” “What do you think, dear brother?” Flam asked. “Well, our magic and other brilliantly manufactured devices-” “Brilliant indeed.” “-can’t harm the shadowy spectre that is Luna, but-” “-perhaps a more solid opponent like Celestia-” “-would prove to be-” “-more vulnerable!” “-more vulnerable!” “And we can’t do any worse against Luna than we’ve already done against Celestia,” Lightning Dust nodded with a wide grin that radiated confidence. “So let’s do it!” She extended her foreleg. “Tag out!” “Wrestling terminology!!” Iron Will cried in joy and tagged Lightning Dust – slapping her into the floor with a sharp crack of shattering marble – before scooping up both Flim and Flam beneath his bulging arms and whisking off merrily. “YEAH!!” “Ow! Ouchie! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hurts!” Celestia laughed evilly as she surrounded Trixie with a ring of fire and heated the floor within it to around ‘sand on a hot day at the beach’ temperature. Trixie danced about, hopping from one leg to the other with an expression of utmost misery. “Yes! Feel the wrath of a hot summer’s day!” The sun princess threw her head back as she made the flames rise higher. “Mwa ha ha ha ha ha-” A canister struck her in the face and exploded into a burst of white foam when a beam of magic struck it. Losing her concentration, the ring of fire went out and Trixie immediately dove onto cooler floor, smoke rising from her hooves. “Oh, the Grateful and Hot Trixie thanks you for your timely assisteeeeeaah!” “Help Lightning Dust!” Iron Will yelled, lowering his throwing arm and turning to face his new opponent. “Oooh, new challengers have entered the ring, pony! And they! Are! Ready! To! RUMBLE!!” Celestia growled lowly as she swiped the foam from her face a second time and centred her glowing eyes on those that dared to stand up against her. “So what if there’s more of you? You’ll fail against me just like those other two.” “If you’re so sure of that…” Iron Will smirked, stretching his arms and interlocking his fingers behind his head. “Then come get some.” His pecs twitched in turn on each syllable. Meanwhile… “That’s very distracting.” Rarity said as she averted her gaze with a blush. “Why are we even attracted to that?” Twilight pondered. “Ponies don’t have anywhere close to that sort of musculature, so why would we respond to it? Actually… now that I think about it… why would be physically attracted to griffons? That makes even less sense! Oh, Faust…” Gasping, the young princess turned to her friends, who were still struggling to rise with the help of the crowd’s energy pouring into them. “Girls! Ponies are incapable of recognizing compatible species for producing offspring!” Rainbow Dash gasped with a look of shock and perked one ear. “Oh my gosh, do you hear that?” “No!” Twilight whimpered. “What is it?” “It’s the sound of nopony caring.” “…” “Sick burn.” Back to the action… Celestia tore her gaze away from the twitching pecs and swiped her sword diagonally, grinning evilly as she anticipated an easy victory. The minotaur was strong, no doubt, but it wasn’t like he had any sort of protection against her powerful flames! Her cocky grin faded when her sword suddenly went out with a hiss of steam. “What?” She drew back with a few flaps of her wings, now cautious as she relit her fire sword. “How did you…?” Iron Will flashed a thumbs-up and a huge smile. “Iron Will’s sweat is the sweat that will drench the heavens!” Celestia stared, a grimace forming on her face as she noticed Iron Will’s fur was drenched, matted down… and that a very strong odour was filling the room. “Ew.” “Yes indeed,” Flim nodded with an equally disturbed face. “Ew.” “Ew.” Flam echoed, moving away from his bovine comrade. “Sweat may not affect shadows…” Iron Will brought his hands together in front and flexed them together with a mighty crack that caused the floor to tremble. “But it affects fire! Hoo-rah!” With a speed that belied his size, Iron Will lunged after Celestia with a fist drawn back. She had little chance to dodge and took the blow head-on, the sheer volume of his sweat greatly quelling the flames that wreathed her body as well as her sense of smell. But she didn’t need her nose to fight. Gritting her teeth, Celestia batted his arm away and grabbed him around the waist before somersaulting backwards eight times and suplexing Iron Will into the floor. CRUNCH Iron Will blinked in a daze and shook ceiling plaster from his horns before noticing a maid in the midst of cleaning. “Hey, why are you upside-down?” The maid gave him an odd look. “… Oh.” With the sound of crumbling plaster and wood, Iron Will was pulled back through the hole. Lifting Iron Will back up with her telekinesis, Celestia gathered her power to singe him with a great fireball, but her concentration was interrupted when two pairs of magical beams blasted her in the side. It hurt marginally more than a bee sting, but it was enough for Iron Will to recover and break free with a powerful flex. Angered, Celestia turned her attention to the Flim Flam brothers and lashed out with her sword. “Don’t interrupt me!” A combination of their metal suits and years of running away from irate townsfolk gave the brothers the agility and speed they needed to dodge the wild flames; they ducked and weaved and dodged the princess’ swings, causing her to grow hotter and hotter with anger as she left scorch mark after scorch mark on her own floors. And they had just been polished! “Hold still!” She howled. “Just hold-” “-still!” Luna fumed as her shadows failed time after time to ensnare the elusive Lightning Dust. Iron Will was big and heavy and slow, and the brothers weren’t much better either when their jetpacks made their flight patterns straight and narrow, especially since Luna could increase the size of her shadowy limbs. Lightning Dust was too fast and agile for even her shadows and her reaction time was, annoyingly, better than Luna’s. Any attempt the alicorn made to strike where the pegasus was going to be was ultimately fruitless: it was like trying to swat a fly with a pencil. The other one, Trixie, was no challenge; Luna had snatched her up in a cage of darkness the instant she entered the battle – screaming and soaring through the air, strangely enough. Oh, but she was shrill… “Trixie’s talents have been for naught!” The unicorn sobbed as liquid darkness stained her majestic cape and hat. “The Innocent and Blameless Trixie is so disappointed with her teammates!” Lightning Dust rolled her eyes and swooped in close, yelling as she passed, “Oi! Why don’t ya stop whining and show us how a star truly shines?!” “Trixie is not whining!” She snapped. “She is complaining.” “Well, complain as you show us how a star shines!” Lightning Dust cried, doubling back as Luna’s scythe devoured smaller shadows so it could reach further, its blade flexing like a grotesque claw. “How a star shines! How! A star! Shines!” “Trixie heard you the first time: what in Equestria do you…?” A lightbulb went off over the unicorn’s head – a tendril of shadow swatted it away irritably – and her expression brightened. “Ooohhh… Brilliant!” Electricity started dancing over her body as she channelled a spell. Noticing this, Luna spared a derisive laugh. “Electricity cannot harm darkness, foolish mare! Your efforts will amount to nothing, and you will only sink faster into my embrace until you completely cease to-” Trixie created a bright spark at the tip of her horn that, at most, would give a normal pony a static surprise, but caused Luna to shriek in pain and the cage around the unicorn to dissipate into nothingness. Luna and her shadows shrunk back from Trixie, and the alicorn glared at her with eyes glowing in shock and fury. “What?! How?!” “Lightning and electricity give off another type of energy, princess…” Lightning Dust jeered with a crooked smile. “Light.” “Grrr! How could I have been so blind?” Luna moaned. Really, she knew it from the very start, but had to keep up performances, after all. “Ha ha! Trixie believed in you all along!” Trixie swiped some shadow from her hat, bursting at the seams with her usual confidence. “That bit where she said she was disappointed in you? Lies. Now she is non-disappointed in you! Rejoice!” “Just throw some damn light at her.” “Ooh yeah! Have some more of Iron Will’s liquid bullness!” “Ew!!” Celestia’s sword puffed out for the fifth time as Iron Will’s testosterone-riddled flex flung a bucket of sweat against her, leaving her open and vulnerable to another foam canister from the brothers. Weakened, she dropped heavily to the floor, and was suddenly twisted up like a pretzel by one smelly minotaur. “Oh, come on!” “Ref?!” Iron Will scowled in annoyance, muscles bulging in effort as Celestia threatened to break free of his pin. Not even Flim Flam brothers jumping in and pulling at Celestia’s astral mane could dilute the strain of her godly strength. “Where’s the ref? He needs to count this!” A goat in a black and white shirt was off buying a doughnut from Donut Joe’s stand. “Iron Will’s gonna dock your pay!” “Alright, that’s enough!” Celestia burst out of her opponents’ holds with a tremendous surge of strength and rose into the air, an aura of red and orange flames surrounding her. Her eyes were like red-tinted flashlights and steam billowed from her jaws as her saliva was flash-boiled away. “You’ve done it now!” She screamed with a look so furious and intense that it could give Fluttershy’s Stare a run for its money. “It’s time to turn up the heat!” It started with a tiny lick of flame that spouted from Celestia’s lips: it grew from an inch to a foot and then to a metre, gaining in size and strength with every second until it flared down to cover every square inch of Celestia’s body and swallow her whole. Then, she started spinning. Faster and faster, until the fire covering her body transformed into a maelstrom of power, stretching from the floor to the ceiling, becoming a literal burning tornado. The heat was unbearable: the brothers started sweating just as hard as Iron Will, whose protective armor of body secretions was beginning to evaporate. “Oh, it is getting hot in here!” Flam cried, tugging on the scruff of his striped shirt. “So we should probably take off all our clothes!” Flim cried. “I won’t let that crisis befall my innocent fans!” Iron Will clenched his fists in determination and made a constipated face. “Hrrrrgh! Think, brain, think! The mind is a muscle, so it can be FLEXED!” As Iron Will attempted the impossible, Flim and Flam occupied themselves by throwing foam grenades, pocket watches, and their own straw hats that were miraculously unaffected by the flames and twirled back to their heads to be thrown again. With the discovery of their opponent’s weakness, Lightning Dust and Trixie were having more luck in their battle; they were able to swiftly dispatch any shadow tendrils that tried to grab them and Luna was forced to go on the defensive. She snarled from behind a shield of darkness and sent out a swarm of tiny shadow insects. “Cursed fools! Just fall already!” Trixie squeaked and lit up her horn as an improvised bug zapper. She winced at every bzzt and zap as the insects happily flew into her glowing horn and crumbled away in the light. Lightning Dust charged her body and yelled, “Hey, horn-head – I made a plan, so it’s your turn! Any bright ideas? No pun intended.” Trixie hemmed and hawed for a few moments before letting out an explosive gasp and striking a victorious pose. “The Ingenious and Intellectual Trixie has a plan!” “I’m all ears!” Lightning Dust replied, shooting an arrow of lightning and intercepting a glob of molten darkness Luna fired her way. “Trixie requires you to distract Luna for about thirty seconds while she prepares her attack!” “Really?” “Don’t you trust Trixie?” “No,” Lightning Dust sighed. “But it’s not like I have a choice.” The pegasus darted off to fly around Luna’s head, drawing her aggro, and leaving Trixie to prepare for her most spectacular stunt yet! But first… “Nopony has a choice when it comes to Trixie…” Trixie muttered darkly, eyes wide and pupils mere dots as she creaked her head to the side. “Nopony…” Meanwhile… “…” Twilight surveyed the scene. Iron Will was practically frothing as he tried to think of a plan, the Flim Flam brothers were getting toasted, Trixie was staring at her creepily, Lightning Dust was smacking her rump and taunting a vexed Luna, and her friends were lying on the ground in excruciating ‘agony’. “… What.” Twilight wishes she could go home… The planets aligned, and Iron Will was struck by an epiphany. “Got it!” Triumphantly placing his hands on his hips, he turned towards the brothers as they faceplanted before him, smoking and charred. “You lazy bums! Get up and put a magical shield over us and Celestia!” “What? Why?” Flam groaned. “Just do it!” “But-” “DO IT!!” “Fine!” Reaching to his brother’s bandolier, Flam swiped a foam grenade, pulled a screwdriver and a pocket watch from beneath his hat, fiddled with them for two seconds, and slammed the newly-built F&F Magic Entrapment Device Mk2000 on the ground. Green light flashed from the small device and expanded in a wide circle until they and Celestia were sealed in. Flam looked up at the minotaur irritably. “Now what, my good fellow? We are trapped in with a tornado of fire!” Iron Will swiped a thumb across his snout and winked, smiling. “You and your brother might wanna hold your breath.” “… Pardon?” Suddenly puffing himself up in an intimidating flex, Iron Will pursed his lips and began to inhale, inflating his huge lungs. The intake was so strong that Flam had to hold onto his hat lest it be swallowed whole. He had no idea what was going on, but he followed the minotaur’s advice and held his breath. Flam prodded – kicked – his brother until he was conscious and quickly gestured for him to follow his lead. All the while, Celestia was gaining speed and closing in on the trio. Her tornado had been cut off at the top by the magical barrier, but it mattered not; she was still going strong, and her most powerful attack would wipe the floor with these traitors. “Ha ha ha! What on earth are you trying to do?” She called with a sneer, still able to see her victims clearly despite spinning around rapidly – practise made perfect after all. “Do you think to blow me out like a mere candle? This flame of mine shall never go out no matter how much water splashes it, no matter how strong a gust may be, no matter how low the temperature may-” Her fire went out. Not immediately, but fast enough that by the time Celestia realized something was amiss, her tornado had lost half its strength and she was visible in the dying flames once more. “What?” She clenched her teeth and spun faster, mentally urging her flames to rise, but it was all for naught; the last ember of her tornado flickered out, and she was left floating in place. And then she felt her aura of fire weaken. “No!” She panicked, eyes widening as her mane reverted back to its gentle colours and then even further by turning limp and solid. She stared at her hair as it fell over her shoulders, utterly perplexed and horrified. “What is this? How?!” Suddenly, she realized. ‘The oxygen…’ Celestia trained her gaze on Iron Will as he sucked up ridiculous volumes of air, more than his lungs could realistically hold. ‘He’s inhaling all of it, so my fire can’t form! And… and since I need more oxygen than normal to fight…’ A dizzy spell struck her and she collapsed to the floor with a cry of pain. “No! N-no!” She tried to rise, but her inner fire was being starved of fuel. “No… how can this be? B-brought down by… by…” Iron Will was turning red as he sucked up the last bit of oxygen and quickly sealed his lips shut, pecs twitching as he struggled to contain his supply. ‘Come on! Come on!’ He watched his opponent struggle and twitch and futilely grab at the containment device that was so far out of reach… And fell still. “… PWWAAAHHH!!” The mighty exhale he released sent the blue-faced brothers flailing up and against the barrier, splatting them against it until the hurricane-like draft knocked the device over, and the green dome of magic collapsed, along with its creator. Iron Will fell to his hands and knees, puffing and panting and stinky… But victorious. “YEAH!!” He pumped his fist, relishing in the cheers of the crowd. “Iron Will sucks real good!” The cheers died down save for a few awkward claps. Luna saw a flash of green light out of the corner of her eye, but she couldn’t afford to see how her sister was faring; Lightning Dust had made a mistake in her flight pattern and Luna was able to land a glancing blow on her wing. With her movement suddenly restricted by pain, Lightning Dust couldn’t dodge the snatching shadows as effectively as before, and it wasn’t long before one snagged her hindleg and held her back enough for several other shadowy limbs to latch on. “Eurgh! No!” Lightning Dust called on her powers, but one shadow grabbed the back of her head and filled it with mental static; she could barely recall her own birthday let alone focus long enough for an attack. “N… no! D-damn… it!” “You have been thorns in my side, but that is now over!” Luna, panting from having to exert herself for the first time in millennia, swept her burning eyes across the room. “Where is your friend? She will fall just as you did, and the Chosen Killjoy’s quest will finally be over, once and for all!” “You called?” Luna spun in place, anticipating a blow, but she was puzzled to see the light blue unicorn standing in plain sight after being absent from the battle for several seconds. She looked nervous, though, and in her hoof she clutched… A firecracker? “… Bwa ha ha ha ha!” Luna guffawed loudly. She allowed the weakened Lightning Dust to hit the floor and called on her shadows to propel her forwards on a tidal wave of darkness. Her eyes burned like white fire and her teeth were bared in an awful rictus. “Do you really believe that mere toy can defeat me? It may be light, but it is nothing – a minor sting, at best!” Trixie swallowed and ignited the firework with her horn. “What’s this? No boasting? Ha ha! Truly, your spirit has been crushed!” Trixie whimpered and charged forwards, holding the firecracker high as it left a trail of smoke and sparks. Luna laughed again. She must have given up to do such a reckless thing. To emphasize her charge, Trixie let out a loud battle cry, her vision blinded as her hat fell over her eyes. Luna matched her cry with her own, strong enough that it rattled the entire room. The two foes clashed… … and Trixie disappeared into Luna’s tar-black body. As Luna anticipated, it was a minor sting when the firecracker was absorbed, a very small price to pay for the defeat of those annoying mares. Now, she was free to- Luna suddenly gasped as pain bloomed deep within her. “Agh! What was-” Another stab of pain. And then another. And another. Howling, Luna’s eyes sunk back into their sockets so she could look within the pocket dimension that housed her shadows and bits and pieces she had absorbed, searching, searching until finally- … Luna’s floating eyes bulged in horror as a half-conscious Trixie’s cape fanned out to reveal the dozens upon dozens of fireworks strapped into the fabric. There was an enormous firework in her hat that was apparently called ‘Big Papa’, judging by the label. Its lit fuse spat sparks and disappeared into the body. “Oh gosh darn it.” To those outside the dimension, they were lucky to witness a beautiful display as a multitude of colourful lights and fires blew Luna’s sludgy body apart; globs of liquid darkness splattered everywhere, only to immediately break apart into nothingness due to a lack of a conscious mind holding them all together. The crowd recovered from Iron Will’s earlier remark and whooped in delight at the unexpected but nonetheless pleasant display of pyrotechnics. It served as a visual delight for the joy they felt at seeing former villains emerge victorious. And amidst the cheers and exploding fireworks, five figures stood and grouped together, bruised and battered… but alive. “-have to get a permit if you want to sell that stuff,” Twilight told Rarity, who nodded in understanding and jotted down a quick note on some paper. “Normally the authorities don’t mind if it’s enchantments tailored to security, but there’s been a recent string of…” Hearing cheers, Twilight paused and turned, blinking in astonishment at the sight of the five figures walking towards them. “Oh… you won?” “Bet your ass we did!” Lightning Dust laughed happily and punched Trixie in the shoulder. “Showmare over here actually did something smart!” Trixie ignored the pain of the strike and delicately looked towards Twilight, her eyelashes fluttering cutely. “Ah… d-did you notice me, Twily~?” “Ehhh… sorta looked away at the end, but…” Twilight shrugged. “Great job out there anyway! Thanks for helping us out.” “Totally,” Rainbow Dash nodded as she and the others got up spryly, as if there was nothing wrong with them in the first place. “You guys were awesome! Especially you, big dude! Got that lung action going, yeah?” Iron Will preened beneath the praise and did a victory flex. “Iron Will always aims to please! Ooh yeah!” Twilight, moving to congratulate Flim and Flam, shrunk back when a bright light suddenly stung her eyes. She turned towards the source, squinting. “Oh gosh, what’s happening now?” “Me, apparently.” Star Secret’s chains shone a pristine white and, to her annoyance, proceeded to lift her into the air. Twirling. For some reason. It was hard to see with the light, but it was clear Star Secret was scowling. “Psst!” The irritated mare looked down at the floor to see Celestia waving to get her attention without being too obvious. Luna was next to her, tongue flopping out and eyes closed, the picture of defeat if she hadn’t just moved to scratch her side. “Lines!” Celestia hissed sharply. “Say your lines!” Star Secret rolled her eyes and let out a forlorn sigh. “Oh Great Chosen Killjoy and friends – thou hast rescued me from a fate most heinous. In return for thy bravery, I promise to lend mine power so that, together, we may rid ourselves of this Anime Curse, so that our lands may return to a time of peace and harmony: where flowers bloom, kittens play, and dozens of deadly creatures attack Ponyville on a daily basis.” It was a magnificent speech, even if Star Secret said it with the enthusiasm of a tray of litter. Even the chains holding her lazily fell apart instead of exploding. To make up for it, a halo of light appeared behind her, blinding those in the room with its magnificence, and those tough enough to bear the light would see beautiful white wings of pure energy extending from Star Secret’s back. Star Secret’s lips twitched like she found this amusing for some reason. “Finally…” Twilight breathed in reverence, stepping forward, eyes sparkling with hope. “Perhaps now… I can finally… read my book in peace.” Star Secret rolled her eyes and silently mouthed, “Three… two… one…” A great, brown paw tore through space and snatched up Star Secret, quelling her glorious light. Twilight gasped in fright and took a step back as another tear opened up over the captured mare to reveal a yellow eye that was twice her size. A sinister laugh shook the fabric of reality. “You didn’t forget about ol’ Discord, did you?”