Dull thuds and muffled swearing could be heard from Princess Luna’s sealed bedroom.
“What about this?” questioned Celestia, as she stood in front of the television. She held up a wooden chair.
“YES, THAT’S FINE,” yelled Luna as she tried craning her neck to look at the TV. She had a controller on the floor in front of her and was frantically pushing buttons with her hooves.
“Great,” said Celestia. She dragged the chair over to the glass door that led to the balcony. She picked up the chair and smashed it against the glass. The chair broke into pieces, sending splintered wood everywhere. To Celestia’s dismay, the glass door wasn’t even scratched. She growled and stomped over to Luna’s closet. She opened the closet and began rifling through what was inside.
“Let’s see…” Celestia muttered as she searched. “Young adult novels…comic books…Nightmare Moon cosplay…unflattering drawing of me with an enormous ass. I’ll get revenge for that later…Ah ha!” She reached into the closet and pulled out a battle axe. “This might work!”
She pulled the axe with her as she walked back in front of the TV. “Is this alright for me to use?” she asked, holding the weapon up for Luna to see.
Luna rolled her eyes. She gestured to her missing ears and said, “YOU KNOW I CAN’T HEAR YOU, RIGHT? JUST USE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR.”
“Fine,” sighed Celestia. She dragged the axe over to the balcony door and swung. The blade of the axe sliced deep into the glass. “Finally!” said Celestia happily. “Now I just have to do that a few more times and…” She tugged on the axe’s handle, but couldn’t get it out of the door. “…No…” she muttered, yanking on it a few more times. The axe remained in the glass, unable to move.
“COME ON!” screamed Celestia. She grabbed a vase off of Luna’s nightstand and threw it at the door, where it shattered on impact.
“OH,” shouted Luna, not turning around, “MAKE SURE YOU DON’T USE MY VASE. IT’S A PRICELESS ANTIQUE.”
Celestia looked down at the shattered remains of the vase and then back at Luna, her eyes going wide. She whistled innocently and brushed the pieces under Luna’s bed with her leg.
“HA! TAKE THAT B.MASH!” shouted Luna triumphantly.
Celestia looked back at the door and sighed. “I give up…” she muttered. She walked over to Luna and watched as she killed the other players in her game. “You’re doing surprisingly well for someone who can’t hear anything.”
“HAHA!” laughed Luna, making Celestia wince at the volume. “SUCK MY NONEXISTENT LADY PENIS, PIPINPWNYVILLE!”
When the ringing in Celestia’s ears stopped, she looked at Luna and said, “You’re lucky Discord isn’t here. He might make your lady penis very existent.”
“Please,” said a voice. Celestia turned her head to see Discord lounging on Luna’s bed. “Giving mares penises? Do I look like a fanfiction author to you?”
“What do you want now?!” yelled Celestia, stepping towards the bed.
“I figured you’d like to know what happened with Twilight,” said Discord as he shrugged. “I can always not tell you, I guess…”
“What did you do to her?” demanded Celestia.
Discord laid back, resting his head on Luna’s pillow. “Calm down. She’s fine.” He yawned. “A bit depressed and highly unmotivated to stop me, but fine.”
“She will stop you,” said Celestia.
Discord sighed and got up from the bed. “How long is it going to be before you admit that I got the better of you? Look around!” He gestured at the room. “I trapped you and your sister…quite easily, I may add…stole the Elements of Harmony right under your nose, and broke Twilight and her friends! I’ve won! There’s no one who can stop me!”
“Twilight and her friends will find a way,” said Celestia.
“Oh really?” asked Discord. “Do enlighten me, Celestia. How can your student possibly beat me? I have all six of the bearers doubting everything about their friendship. The only person that could help…” He reached out and flicked Celestia’s forehead, “i.e. you, are locked in here with no magic.” He snapped his fingers and Pinkie’s new script appeared in his hands. “I even have that pretender’s script! Which, between you and me, is a total bore. I barely made it through the first few pages before deciding that I had to spice it up a bit.”
“What do you mean?” asked Celestia.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Discord, snapping his fingers again. The script disappeared in a puff of smoke. “Equestria is mine. There is nothing that can help Twilight and her friends now.”
Meanwhile, in Ponyville:
The door to the library opened and Spike poked his head inside. “Twilight? Are you here?” He frowned as he peered inside the room. “What are you doing?”
Twilight was in the middle of the room, facing away from him. Her horn was glowing purple as she magically lifted books off of their shelves and placed them into boxes. “Packing,” came Twilight’s terse reply.
“Oh,” said Spike. “…Where are you going?”
“We are going home,” said Twilight, still not turning to face him.
“Um…we are home,” replied Spike. “You know…in Ponyville?”
“No Spike,” said Twilight, finally turning to face him. “We’re leaving and going back to Canterlot.”
“Back to Canterlot?” repeated Spike. “But what about Discord? Or your friends? What about me and Rarity? Long-distance relationships never work!”
Twilight walked towards him, saying, “One, we completely and utterly failed to stop Discord. Two, if they were really my friends, they wouldn’t have left during the fight with Discord. And three…I’m going to be completely honest with you, Spike. You don’t have a relationship with Rarity. At all. Your obsession with her will ultimately bring you nothing but heartbreak and sorrow. Eventually, you’ll go so far down into a deep depression that you’ll snap and murder everyone.” She stopped in front of him. “Understand?”
Spike blinked. “…Well, yeah. But I need to be here for that to happen.”
Twilight sighed and said, “We’re leaving. Go pack your stuff.” She turned to walk back into the room.
“Wait!” said Spike, causing Twilight to look back at him. “What if I could prove that you guys were friends? Could we stay then?”
“It’s going to take a hell of a lot to make me change my mind, Spike,” said Twilight. She frowned as she thought of something. “Wait…is that where you’ve been all this time? Looking for something to help?”
“Well…yeah,” said Spike. “I had to go to Sugarcube Corner to get it.”
“…Spike, Sugarcube Corner is about a five-minute walk from here,” said Twilight as she turned to face him. “You’ve been gone for two hours. What took you so long?”
“Well…” said Spike. He finally opened the door all the way, revealing his body. In Spike’s arms were the Elements of Harmony and a familiar-looking black binder. Twilight could make out the words, MLP: FML on the cover of the binder.
“Pinkie’s script?” questioned Twilight. “How did you convince her to let you take it?”
“Well…” said Spike, looking down.
Twilight looked down at Spike’s legs, where Pinkie was clinging on for dear life. “…Pinkie?”
“Give me back my old script!” shouted Pinkie, her arms wrapped around Spike’s legs. “It’s bad enough Discord stole my new one; I don’t need you stealing the only one I have left!”
Twilight looked back up at Spike and said, “Why did you take Pinkie’s script? It’s not like it can help us beat Discord.”
Spike walked closer to Twilight, dragging Pinkie along with him. When he got close enough, he held the script out to her. “Look, I know Discord beat you the last time. He got in everyone’s head and made it seem like you’re not friends anymore.”
“There’s also the part where my ‘friends’ abandoned me,” added Twilight.
“Wow,” said Pinkie, still clutching Spike’s legs, “Those guys sound like real fuck-ups.”
“I know, right?” said Twilight.
“The point is,” continued Spike, “This is all Discord’s fault. He has you all doubting each other.” Spike nodded to the script in his outstretched hand. “I figured that this thing could remind all of you that you are friends, no matter what Discord says.”
Twilight smiled sadly, “It’s a nice thought, Spike…but it doesn’t matter. Even if we were really friends, that was in the past. We’re not friends anymore.”
Spike sighed and said, “Look…it doesn’t hurt to try, does it? Besides, I thought you loved reading.”
Twilight frowned as she looked at the script. “…This is true...and I’ve wanted to read this thing ever since Pinkie freaked out over losing it…”
Spike moved the arm holding the Elements of Harmony closer to his chest. “Could you make a decision quick?” he asked desperately. “These fucking things are hard to hold with only one arm.”
Twilight sighed and used her magic to grab the script from Spike. “Fine,” she said, “But I don’t know if it’ll help, Spike.” She opened the script to the first page and read, “A purple unicorn laid down under a tree, pulled a book out of her bag, and started to read…”
Spike quickly used his now-free arm to get a better hold on the Elements of Harmony. “I hope this works…” he muttered. He blinked and looked down. “Pinkie…a-are you biting me?”
Pinkie looked up at Spike, her teeth clamped down around one of his ankles. “…No…” she said slowly.
Spike stared at her. He opened his mouth to say something, only to close it when he decided that it was better just to ignore her. He looked back up at Twilight and said, “What do you think so far?”
Twilight frowned and flipped the page. “I think we got a lot more vulgar after the second chapter for, like, no reason.”
Spike frowned. “This isn’t working…” he muttered. He looked back down at Pinkie, who was apparently trying to bite his leg off with her teeth. “Pinkie, you’ve read that thing over and over again, right?”
“I...I don’t…” said Pinkie. She growled and yelled, “Yes, alright?! I’ve read that script over and over again! I don’t have a problem, ok?!”
“That’s…debatable,” said Spike. “Look, is there some part in that script that will let Twilight see that you guys are actually friends?”
“Hmm…” hummed Pinkie, putting one of her hooves to her chin. “Well…what about when we all went after Nightmare Moon?”
“You mean when you all followed me?” asked Twilight, flipping through the script. “Didn’t Applejack tell me to fall off a cliff?”
“What about when you got tickets for the Grand Galloping Gala?” suggested Spike. “All the other girls wanted to hang out with you.”
“No,” said Twilight, “They all wanted to get the ticket for themselves, remember?”
“What about when Applejack went crazy trying to run the orchard?” asked Pinkie. “You tried to help her, even though you didn’t have to.”
“Well…yeah,” said Twilight. She set down the script and said, “She would have hurt herself otherwise.”
“What about the time Fluttershy drove off that dragon?” asked Spike. “She didn’t want to do it.”
“It’s not like she could just stand by and watch that dragon eat us,” said Twilight. “She’s not heartless.”
“You offered Rarity and Applejack a place to stay during a storm,” said Pinkie. “Remember? You tried to get them to make out?”
“What now?” asked Spike, his interest roused.
Twilight groaned. “That was a misunderstanding…I’m never listening to what Cadance has to say ever again…”
“What about that time Pinkie saved the town from the Parasprites?” asked Spike.
“I did that?” asked Pinkie. “Holy shit, I’m awesome.”
“I remember that whole incident wouldn’t have happened if Fluttershy didn’t find the Parasprites in the first place,” said Twilight.
“But Fluttershy did help us sew new dresses after we ruined Rarity’s fashion show,” pointed out Pinkie.
“…I guess…” said Twilight.
“And she helped us run from that Hydra, remember?” asked Spike. “That was the time you tried studying Pinkie.”
“And got hurt doing so,” said Twilight, glaring at Pinkie.
Pinkie giggled nervously and quickly said, “But I did help the buffalo and settler ponies in Appaloosa get along.”
“Weren’t you hitting on Applejack’s cousin the whole time?” asked Spike. “And didn’t you start the war between the buffalo and settler ponies?”
“…I wouldn’t say ‘started’,” said Pinkie. “I would use words like ‘aggravated’ or ‘made it much much worse’.”
Spike rolled his eyes and looked back at Twilight, “You and Owlowiscious saved me when I ran away.”
“You’re not my friend, Spike,” said Twilight. “You’re family. I’m forced to care about you.”
“But you’re not forced to care about her,” said Spike, pointing down at Pinkie. “You went out of your way to throw her a surprise party even though she was acting crazy.”
“Hey!” said Pinkie.
“Crazier,” amended Spike.
“Thank you,” said Pinkie.
“Spike,” said Twilight, “I get what you’re trying to say. But all those events prove is that we can be nice to each other. It doesn’t mean we’re friends.”
“Why?” asked Spike.
“…Why what?” asked Twilight.
“Why be nice to each other? Why would you even care?” asked Spike.
“Well…to be able to use the Elements of Harmony of course,” answered Twilight.
“Wait…” said Pinkie. “Haven’t we really only used those things with Nightmare Moon? And with Discord, but that was a total failure!” She started laughing until she looked at the annoyed expressions on Spike and Twilight’s faces. “Uh…I mean…how tragic?”
Spike shook his head and looked at Twilight, “We’ve been in Ponyville for months now, Twilight. If you were only concerned about the Elements, why did you hang out with everyone else? Why try to help them with their problems?”
“Well, I’m not going to just let them deal with their problems on their own,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “They’d help me if I needed it.”
“Why?” asked Spike.
“W-well…because we…we’re…” began Twilight slowly. She fell silent as her eyes widened.
“Friends?” suggested Spike.
“…Yeah…” said Twilight. She smiled and said, “Because we’re friends. We’ve been through too much together to let some asshole tear us apart.”
Spike smiled and said, “So, what are you gonna do now?”
“I need to find the others,” said Twilight. “They are all obsessing about what Discord said to them. If I can find them, I can help them see that Discord’s wrong. We are friends and we are going to kick his ass.”
There was a loud sniffle from the floor. Spike and Twilight looked down to see Pinkie, who was sobbing into Spike’s foot.
“Th-that was so beautiful…” sobbed Pinkie. “I wish I had friends like that…”
“Pinkie…” said Twilight, “You are one of my friends, remember?”
“Oh!” said Pinkie. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “Alright then.”
Twilight sighed and said, “Look, just…just stay here, Pinkie. I’ll go track down the others.” She looked at Spike and said, “Are you coming?”
“Me?!” asked Spike, his eyes widening. “I’m not going against Discord! That guy is fucking nuts! He…uh…” He paused as he stared at Twilight. “…I mean…you’re gonna beat him! Definitely!”
“…Thanks for the support,” said Twilight sarcastically.
A few minutes later:
Twilight walked towards down the road to Sweet Apple Acres. “This place doesn’t look too bad…” she muttered as she looked at the apple trees around her.
There was an oink. Twilight looked up to see a flock of pigs flying above her. They flew past and disappeared into the trees.
“…Never mind,” said Twilight. She noticed a flash of red out of the corner of her eye and turned to look. “Big Macintosh?” she questioned.
“Miss Sparkle,” greeted Big Mac. He was wearing a black suit and had his hair slicked back. “How are you on this fine day?”
“Um…fine?” answered Twilight. “Why…um…why are you wearing a suit?”
Big Mac adjusted his necktie and said, “Well, some strange creature appeared in the orchard a few hours ago. I asked him what he was doing and he snapped his fingers. Before I knew it, I was wearing a suit and talking like any other pony.”
“Discord,” asked Twilight. “Is he still here?”
“No,” said Big Mac. “He laughed at Applejack as she came home and then disappeared.” He tugged at his collar. “Likely to cause some other pony to experience their own personal hell.”
“Um…are you okay?” asked Twilight.
“I miss wearing a dress,” said Big Mac. He glared at his slacks and muttered, “I miss that breeze around my privates.”
“…A little too much information, Mac,” said Twilight. “Do you know where Applejack is now?”
Big Mac shook his head. “I don’t know. Caramel was hanging around the house, though. He might know where she went.”
“Thanks,” said Twilight, as she turned to walk away. She paused and looked back at Big Mac. “Wait…Caramel?”
“I know what you’re thinking, but he’s been getting better as time goes on,” said Big Mac. “Besides, he’s not that bad of a guy.”
Meanwhile:
“DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, MAGGOT!” yelled Granny Smith. “YOU ARE THE WORST SOLDIER EVER!”
Granny Smith was standing in front of the Apple Family’s house. Standing in front of her was a very uninterested Caramel.
“Miss Smith, for the last time, I am not a soldier,” said Caramel, who was wearing his leather jacket. “And you’re not a drill sergeant.”
“Of course Ah ain’t a drill sergeant, dirt bag!” barked Granny Smith. “I’m Captain Granny Smith of the Equestrian Military! Mah job is turnin’ miserable wastes of space like you into somewhat competent soldiers!”
“No, it isn’t!” said Caramel. “You’re Mac’s crazy grandma who thinks we’re at war with that pear farm down the road.”
“Those damn Pear Bottoms have had it too good for too long…” muttered Granny Smith.
“Caramel?” asked Twilight, walking up to the two. “Can I ask you something?”
“Ah! A new recruit!” said Granny Smith. She walked forward and slapped Twilight on the back, causing her to stumble. “Ah like you already! How’d you like to help us destroy those pear seditionists?”
“What?” asked Twilight. “What pear seditionists?”
“Does nobody watch the news anymore?!” yelled Granny Smith. “We’re at war, girl!” She turned and looked at Caramel. “Private Cannon Fodder! You handle the orientation! Ah’m gonna do a little recon on our enemy!” She hobbled off, leaving Twilight and Caramel alone.
“What is going on?” asked Twilight.
“Trust me, it’s easier just to go along with it,” muttered Caramel. He sighed and said, “Jesus. Am I crazy or-”
“Yes,” interrupted Twilight.
“Or IS ThIS HappENING?” yelled Caramel. He sighed and said, “First that weird guy comes and makes the pigs fly and then everybody starts acting nuts. What is going on?”
“You…you seem remarkably-” began Twilight.
“Sane?” interrupted Caramel. He chuckled and said, “Believe it or not, I think all the crazy shit out here…” He gestured to the orchard, “Is pushing out all the crazy shit up here.” He pointed to his head.
“Well, it’s nice to have someone else normal to talk to,” said Twilight. “I need to find Applejack. Have you seen her?”
Caramel pointed to the barn several yards away. “She went over there with a basket of apples. She seemed a little depressed.”
“Don’t worry,” said Twilight. “I’m here to help her.”
“Well, good luck,” said Caramel. “I’m going to go AWOL before Captain Smith makes me clean the latrines with my own toothbrush…again.” He turned around, but paused. He turned back to Twilight and said, “Hey…this sounds weird, but…have you seen any equal signs?”
“Equal signs?” asked Twilight. “No…at least not outside of an equation. Why?”
Caramel shook his head. “I don’t know…everything’s all fuzzy. I remember getting arrested during high school…and then getting released…and then nothing until Mac found me and brought me here. But between that is just an image of an equal sign. I get a bad feeling when I remember it.”
“Huh…I don’t know,” said Twilight.
“PRIVATE! WHERE’S MAH RECON SHOTGUN?” yelled Granny Smith’s voice.
“Shit!” said Caramel. He took off running, leaving Twilight alone.
“Equal signs…” muttered Twilight. She shook her head. “I don’t have time to worry about that. I need to find Applejack!” She quickly ran towards the barn Caramel had indicated.
As Twilight got closer to the barn, she heard crunching coming from inside. She approached the barn door and knocked. “Applejack?” she called. “It’s Twilight. Can we talk?”
There was a pause. After a few moments, the door opened just wide enough for Applejack to poke her head out. “What do ya want?” she asked, apple juice around her mouth.
“Applejack, I’m here to talk,” said Twilight. “I know you’re feeling angry, but Discord’s trying to tear us apart. We need to-”
“Ah don’t know why you think Discord’s botherin’ me,” said Applejack. “All he said to me was that mah ‘love’ of apples would cause ya’ll to abandon me for more interestin’ friends. But Ah don’t like apples at all! No sir!”
“…Applejack,” said Twilight. “Caramel said you came up here with a basket of apples. You literally have apple juice around your mouth.”
“Ah…Ah don’t…” stuttered Applejack. She sighed and said, “Fine.” She threw open the barn door and Twilight could see dozens of apple cores littering the ground. “Ah love apples, alright?!” said Applejack. “Just get yer teasin’ done quick so you can find a better friend.”
“Applejack,” said Twilight gently, “I don’t want a new friend. I want my old ones back.”
“And Ah suppose Ah was the last one you visited, right?” asked Applejack, wiping the juice off her mouth.
“Actually, you were the first,” said Twilight. “…Aside from Pinkie, but that’s only because Spike dragged her back to the library.”
“…Really?” asked Applejack, a hopeful tone in her voice. She shook her head and said, “Well, Ah bet you just need me to beat Discord. Why else would you want a pony that obsesses over something stupid like apples?”
“Because you’re my friend,” said Twilight. “A friend that just so happens to love apples. Just like Rarity loves fashion or Rainbow Dash loves flying or I love books.” She sighed and said, “Look, I’m sorry if we ever made you feel like you weren’t important. Truth is, you’re one of the ponies I can count on the most.”
“Yeah right,” said Applejack. “Name one time.”
“How about when Pinkie, Spike, and I went off to rescue Fluttershy from that Hydra?” suggested Twilight. “You didn’t have to help, but you followed us anyway. And when we were in Appaloosa, you and Rainbow Dash were the only ones who weren’t busy obsessing over your gorgeous…gorgeous cousin.” Twilight paused. “…Do you have his number? I’m…uh…just asking.”
“Is there a point to this?” asked Applejack.
“The point,” continued Twilight, “Is that you focused on the real issue between the settlers and the buffalo tribe. You focused on the task at hand and got the job done. I know that, no matter what, we can always count on you. So…can you trust us not to abandon you? We’re your friends, Applejack. We would never do that to you.”
“…What if you change your mind?” asked Applejack.
“I won’t,” said Twilight. “I promise.”
Applejack stared at Twilight for a second. She closed her eyes and smiled. “Ah’ve been a real jackass, huh? Ah let that asshole get in mah head and trick me. Well, that’s over.” She opened her eyes and grinned at Twilight, “Let’s go kick the shit outta Discord.”
Twilight smiled and said, “That’s the plan. But we need to get the others first.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Applejack. “Who are we gettin' next?”
A few minutes later:
“I don’t know, Twilight,” said Fluttershy, sitting on the couch in her living room. “Wouldn’t fighting Discord require…fighting?”
Twilight slapped her hoof against her own forehead. “Yes, that is the general idea, Fluttershy.”
“Oh…I don’t know…” said Fluttershy slowly. “Wouldn’t it just be better for me to stay here and quietly hide under my bed?” Her eyes widened and she quickly said, “U-unless you don’t like that idea! I can be loud too!”
“Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “What’s going on? Why are you so concerned with what we think about you?”
“…W-well…” began Fluttershy, “What if I get angry and you don’t want to be my friend anymore? What if I get too quiet and you don’t want to be my friend anymore?” She gasped and said, “What if you already don’t want to-”
“Sugarcube,” said Applejack, “If any of that bothered us, don’t you think we would have done somethin’ by now?”
“I…I don’t…” began Fluttershy. “B-but Discord said that-”
“Discord is a Grade A assface,” said Applejack. “He’s been lyin’ to all of us so he can tear us apart.”
“So…you guys aren’t worried about me being too quiet or too angry?” asked Fluttershy.
“So you get a little angry,” said Twilight. “So what? I incinerated a Hydra because Pinkie annoyed me.”
“And you make yourself be heard whenever you got somethin’ important to say,” said Applejack. “Remember when you yelled at that dragon? You didn’t worry about bein’ too angry or too quiet then. You stood up for all of us.”
“Well…yeah,” said Fluttershy. “But-”
“Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “Rather than worry about what everybody thinks, why don’t you just be yourself?”
“Be myself?” asked Fluttershy. “But…I’m-”
“Your fine the way you are, Sugarcube,” said Applejack. “Ah promise.”
Fluttershy was silent for a second. “…You…you both mean that?”
“Absolutely,” said Twilight.
Fluttershy sniffed and her eyes got watery. “In that case…can we do something?”
“What do you want to do?” asked Applejack.
Fluttershy took a deep breath. “Let’s go kill that motherfucker Discord,” she growled.
“That’s our girl,” said Applejack as Twilight smiled.
A few minutes later:
“Rarity…” said Twilight as she, Applejack, and Fluttershy stared wide-eyed at the scene in front of them. “What are you doing?”
Rarity was standing in front of a massive pile of her dresses. Her horn glowed blue as a book of matches floated in front of her. Her eye twitched as she gave a toothy grin to the other ponies. “Don’t worry, girls. I’ll never become successful if I don’t have any dresses to sell.” She gasped and said, “Maybe I’ll burn down the boutique too! I’ll be extra sure that I’ll stay in Ponyville!”
Twilight quickly used her own magic to wrest the matches out of Rarity’s grip. “Is that what Discord told you? That we’ll stop being friends if you become successful?”
“If I become successful,” said Rarity, her horn glowing brighter as she attempted to get the matches back. “Fortunately, I’m taking steps to ensure that will never happen.”
“By ruinin’ your career?” asked Applejack. “You’ve worked hard on your dresses, Sugarcube. You really want to destroy them?”
“I don’t have a choice!” said Rarity. “I can’t become a success and stay here in Ponyville. It doesn’t work like that!”
“Why not?” asked Fluttershy. “You can have your career and us as friends.”
“But I’ll be busy all the time!” said Rarity, beads of sweat dripping down her forehead as she tried to break Twilight’s magical grip. “I’ll hardly ever see any of you if I’m at fashion shows in Canterlot or Manehattan. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Yes we would,” said Twilight, effortlessly keeping the matches from Rarity. “We’d figure something out. Hell, we’d probably go with you to Canterlot or Manehattan to support you.”
Rarity blinked. “Wait…what?”
Applejack chuckled. “We’re your friends, Sugarcube. Do you really think we’d hate you for doing what you love?”
The blue glow around Rarity’s horn faded as she stared at Applejack. “Well…yes,” she admitted. “You all hated being my models during that fashion show.”
“That’s because we ruined your fashion show by not trusting you,” said Fluttershy. She smiled and said, “If we really didn’t want you to be a success, why would we have made your dress for the Gala? Why would we have agreed to wear the dresses that you designed for us?”
“…I…I don’t know,” admitted Rarity.
“We don’t care where your successes take you, Rarity,” said Twilight. She smiled and said, “It’s enough for us to know that you’re doing what you love to do.”
Rarity stared at all of them for a moment before turning to stare at the pile of dresses behind her. Her horn glowed again and every scrap of clothing flew from the floor to their respective mannequins and hangers. “…I’m an idiot…” muttered Rarity as the last of the dresses was put away.
“No you’re not,” said Fluttershy. “We haven’t been acting any better.”
“It’s Discord’s fault,” said Applejack. “He tricked all of us.”
Rarity nodded as she turned around. “In that case, let’s go stop him.” She smiled at the other three and said, “Together.”
Twilight smiled and said, “Together.” She suddenly frowned and said, “But we’re still missing Rainbow Dash and I have no idea where she is.”
“Well...” said Fluttershy. “I might know where she is.”
“You do?” asked Rarity. “How?”
“Discord made us all feel depressed, right?” asked Fluttershy. “There’s two places Rainbow goes when she’s upset. She’ll either be at the bar, or…”
“…Or what?” asked Twilight.
Fluttershy turned to look at her. “Do you still have that cloud-walking spell?”
Later:
Fluttershy set Twilight down on the cloud. Twilight’s jaw dropped as she stared at the large cloud mansion in front of her. “Rainbow Dash’s dad lives here?!” she questioned.
“Yeah,” said Fluttershy, “Pegasus ponies can make anything out of cloud. It’s not that impressive.”
“Then why don’t you live in a cloud mansion?” asked Twilight.
“Are there animals in the sky?” asked Fluttershy.
“…Probably not,” replied Twilight.
“Well, there you go,” said Fluttershy. She walked up the steps and knocked on the front door.
The door opened and Rainbow Dash’s father, Rainbow Blaze, opened the door. “Fluttercry!” he greeted. “I haven’t seen you in years!”
Fluttershy blushed and said, “It’s actually Fluttershy, Mr. Blaze.”
“What was that, Fluttersty?” asked Rainbow Blaze.
Fluttershy sighed and said, “Nothing, Mr. Blaze. Is Rainbow Dash here?”
“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen,” said Blaze. He stood aside to let Fluttershy pass. He looked at Twilight and said, “And who might you be?”
“Oh!” said Twilight. She smiled and stepped up to the door. “Hello, Mr. Blaze. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m one of Rainbow’s friends.”
“Is that right?” said Blaze. He smiled and said, “Well, let me welcome you into my humble abode. Would you like the tour?” He gave her a wink and said, “We can start with the bedroom.”
Twilight laughed nervously and said, “I-I’m just here for Rainbow Dash, sir.”
Blaze shrugged and stood aside so Twilight could enter the house. Once Twilight had quickly passed him, Blaze shut the door behind her. “She’s in the kitchen. It’s just down the hall.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Twilight. She turned and walked down the hallway.
Blaze’s eyes locked onto Twilight’s retreating backside. “No…thank you…” he muttered, biting his lip.
As Twilight entered the kitchen, the first thing she noticed were the beer bottles littering the floor and counters. She saw Fluttershy near the kitchen table, which was covered in empty bottles. As Twilight walked over, Fluttershy spotted her and pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was sitting at the table with her head down.
“Um…Rainbow Dash?” asked Twilight, poking the pegasus.
“AH!” yelled Rainbow, jerking her head up from the table. She looked around wildly before spotting Twilight and Fluttershy. “Oh! It’sh you guuuys. Wazzup?”
“Rainbow, have you been here this whole time?” asked Twilight.
“Yesh officer, I swear…” muttered Rainbow Dash. She chuckled to herself and grabbed a bottle. She attempted to take a drink, only to realize the bottle was empty. Shrugging, she tossed the bottle behind her, where it fell through the floor of the cloud.
“Rainbow, we need you to help stop Discord,” said Fluttershy.
“Dishcord…Dishcord…” slurred Rainbow Dash. “Ishn’t that Emo Prinzess Luna?”
“That’s Nightmare Moon, Rainbow,” said Twilight. “We’re fighting Discord now.”
“Hmm…” said Rainbow, thinking. Her eyes widened as she realized who they were talking about. “Dishcord! That goat fuck from this morning?! I’ll kill that asshhole!” She paused. “Ash-hole? Asswole? Asshole. Asshole. I’ll kill that asshole. I’ll fuckin’ get ‘em…” She swayed in her seat. “…Why is the room spinning?”
Twilight looked around the kitchen. “So far, it looks like the only thing you’re killing is your liver. Why are you drinking so much?”
Rainbow looked around at all the bottles and then back at Twilight and Fluttershy. “Why have you two been drinking so much?”
“We haven’t been drinking anything, Rainbow,” said Fluttershy.
“Touchy, bitch,” said Rainbow. She paused. “Touchy? Tushie? Too-she? T-T-T…” She shook her head and said, “Right back at ya, bitch.”
“Rainbow Dorothy Dash, why have you been drinking?” asked Fluttershy.
“Fine, Mom,” said Rainbow. She paused. “I…you guys can’t get mad at me…”
“We won’t get mad,” said Twilight. “What did you do?”
“I…I think I might have fucked up…” said Rainbow. “Just a little, I shwear!”
“How did you fuck up, Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy.
“Well…” began Rainbow Dash. “Firsht, I found Dishcord in that maze. I wuz like, ‘Bitch, Imma get you!’ and he wuz like, ‘No, please not in the face!’. And then he said some things…” She trailed off.
“What things did he say, Rainbow?” questioned Twilight.
“He…said that you guys wouldn’t be there for me when I needed you most,” answered Rainbow as she struggled to remember. “He said that you wouldn’t understand if I left you to go see if my dad was okay…”
“He threatened your dad?” asked Fluttershy.
Rainbow scoffed, “But when I got here, Dad was fine! That assfuck tricked me…and I fell for it…” Rainbow squirmed in her seat. “I remember thinking that…that he won cuz of me…” She looked at Fluttershy and Twilight and pleaded, “You guys believe me…right? I wouldn’t have just left for nothing…”
“We believe you, Rainbow,” said Twilight. “Discord’s tricked every single one of us.”
“We understand that you were worried about your dad,” said Fluttershy. “We wouldn’t blame you for going to check on him.”
“Thanks guys…” said Rainbow. She squirmed in her seat again. “…AH! I shtill feel guilty! Like I gotta do somethin’ to make up for it.”
“Well,” said Twilight, “You could get up and come with us to fight Discord together. Wiping that smug look off his face might make you feel better.”
“Shounds good to me!” said Rainbow. She jumped out of her seat…and promptly fell face-first to the floor. “Ow…” she muttered.
“…Let’s get you back to normal, huh?” said Twilight. Her horn lit up and a purple glow surrounded Rainbow’s head. After a few moments, the glow disappeared.
Rainbow picked herself off the floor and blinked. “What…what did you just do?” she asked, looking around.
“I looked up a sobriety spell on the way here,” said Twilight. “Does it work okay?”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped. “Wait…you…you have a sobriety spell?” she asked. "Like, a spell that will make me sober without giving me a hangover?"
“Um…yes?” replied Twilight.
“I love you,” said Rainbow.
“Um…thank you?” said Twilight hesitantly.
“I mean it,” said Rainbow. “I love you.”
“…Let’s go stop Discord, huh?!” said Twilight, in a high-pitched voice. She quickly grabbed Fluttershy and pushed her out of the kitchen, passing Rainbow Blaze in the process.
Blaze watched the two retreating mares leave and then turned to Rainbow. “Your purple friend has an amazing ass,” he said, raising his hoof.
“Hell yeah, she does!” said Rainbow Dash. She raised her own hoof and gave her father a high-five.
A few minutes later:
Fluttershy set Twilight down in front of the library and landed beside her. “So now that we have everyone together again, how are we going to track down Discord?”
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, flying above them. “He could be anywhere by now.”
“We’re going to have to look for him,” said Twilight. She gestured towards the library, “The others are inside. Let’s get them and the Elements and start searching.”
The door to library opened and Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie walked out wearing their Elements. Rarity was using her magic to carry the other Elements.
“Discord’s in the middle of the town square,” said Applejack, as Rarity gave the other ponies their Elements.
“How’d you find that out?” asked Twilight, adjusting the Element on her head.
“He sent you a letter!” said Pinkie, handing Twilight a piece of paper.
Twilight looked down at the paper and read aloud, “Dear Pathetic Mess That Was Once Twilight Sparkle. I’m hosting a little soiree in the town square to celebrate my complete and utter domination of Equestria. If you can pull yourself out of your misery, you should stop on by! Be sure to bring your friends. Oops. Forgot. You don’t have any. Hugs and Kisses, Discord. P.S. BYOB. P.P.S. Turn the paper around.” Twilight flipped the paper and read, “MLP FML 2: Chaotic Changes Script.”
“WHAT?!” shrieked Pinkie Pie. “He’s tearing out pages of my script?!”
“We’ll stop him, Pinkie,” said Twilight, giving her the page back. “We need to get to the town square!”
“Hold on…” said Rainbow. She poked at the Element around her neck. “Are you sure this is going to work. From what you told me, it didn’t go so well the last time.”
“Last time we weren’t together,” said Twilight. She turned to face everyone. “Look, I know Discord has been beating us. He’s been one step ahead of us this whole time. But he doesn’t know that we’re friends again. We have the element of surprise on our side this time.”
“We do?” asked Pinkie. “Is that a new Element of Harmony?”
“No Pinkie,” said Twilight. “But it is how we’re going to win. Here’s the plan…”
Later:
Discord hummed to himself as he lounged in his newly made throne. A cracked, golden crown lay crooked on his head and a glass of wine was in his hands. “Ah…” he said to himself. “It’s good to be back in charge.” He looked in front of him, where the ruins of Town Hall lay. “Maybe I’ll turn that eyesore into a statue of me,” he said to himself. He chuckled and said, “Or maybe I’ll have my new subjects build a monument in my honor. Decisions, decisions…” He raised his glass to take a drink.
“Discord!” yelled a voice.
Discord looked up from his glass and saw Twilight standing several feet away, her Element gleaming in the sun. “Well, well, well…” he said, tossing the glass behind him. He stood up from his throne and smiled at her. “Twilight Sparkle! What brings you all the way here? And with that Element of Harmony on your head?”
“I’m here to stop you!” said Twilight.
“You? Stop me?” Discord repeated. He started laughing wildly. As he laughed, he reached up and grabbed the crown from his head. He grabbed it with both hands and ripped it apart like it was made of paper. His laughing died down and he wiped a tear from his eye. “That is a good one. Tell you what!” He snapped his fingers and a plushie of Twilight appeared in his hands. “I set up all sorts of traps for you in case of this very scenario…” To demonstrate, he threw the plushie at the ground in front of Twilight. The second it hit the ground, a bear trap snapped up and decapitated the plushie. Its stuffed head fell to the ground in front of Twilight, staring up at her with blank purple eyes. “But you know what?” said Discord, snapping his fingers again. The bear trap and plushie disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I’m going to give you a chance. Come and show me what you’ve got.”
Twilight slowly took a step forward, expecting another trap. When none came, she sighed in relief and walked up to Discord’s throne. She glared up at the smirking creature.
“What, is it just you?” asked Discord. “You don’t have any more assistants you’d like to throw at me? No more friends to abandon you when you need them most?”
“No,” said Twilight. “It’s just me and you.”
“Hmm…” said Discord. He smirked and said, “Alright then.” He snapped his fingers.
An overwhelming pressure pressed down on Twilight, forcing her to the ground. She felt her breath leave her as her face was pressed into the dirt. She couldn’t muster the energy to scream, let alone move.
Discord snapped his fingers again and the pressure was lifted off of Twilight. She gasped and got back up, her legs shaking.
“You arrogant child,” seethed Discord, a furious expression on his face. “Did you really think that you could beat me? By yourself?!” He reached down and grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck. He lifted her up and forced her to look at the destroyed buildings around them. “I’ve won!” yelled Discord, throwing Twilight back to the ground. “No one can stop me! Not Luna, not Celestia, not your friend with her boring script!” He snapped his fingers and Pinkie’s script appeared in his hands. He threw it down at the ground in front of Twilight. “And you thought you could face me alone?!”
Twilight stood back up, breathing heavily. She glared up at Discord and said, “Yes.”
Discord stared at her, a disbelieving expression on his face. Then he laughed some more. “You really are infuriating; you know that?” he asked through his laughter. He calmed down and said, “But you know what? I want you to give it your best shot. Try and stop me. I promise that I won’t lift a finger to stop you. It’ll make it funnier when you fail.”
“Really?” asked Twilight. “You’ll just let me fight you?”
“I wouldn’t say ‘fight’,” replied Discord. “More like ‘flail impotently’. But whatever floats your boat.”
Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. A bright white light shone from the Element of Magic, enveloping Twilight. She opened her eyes, which glowed white.
Discord rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You know the Elements of Harmony only work when your friends are with you, right? It won’t do anything alone.”
“She ain’t alone,” said a voice.
Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity came walking out from behind buildings. They stopped and stood in a circle around Discord, their own Elements glowing.
“What?!” said Discord, looking around at the determined ponies.
“Remember when I said it was just you and me?” asked Twilight. “I lied.”
“We’re all here to stop you,” said Applejack, as a white glow surrounded her.
“You can’t tear us apart for long,” said Rarity, her Element’s glow covering her.
“We’ll just come back stronger,” said Rainbow, glowing as she flew in the air.
“You won’t hurt anyone else,” said Fluttershy, flying and glowing alongside Rainbow.
“I’m usually all for fun and jokes,” said a glowing Pinkie, an unusually serious expression on her face, “But your idea of it sucks.”
“Sucks? SUCKS?!” yelled Discord. He started floating in the air. Black fire appeared in his hands as he glared at Twilight. “You know what, Twilight Sparkle? I lied too. I’m not giving you a chance to stop me! Now BURN!” Suddenly, something sharp bit into his leg, causing Discord to scream in pain. The fire in his hands disappeared as he looked down to see Spike biting his leg. Spike chuckled sheepishly and let go, falling to the ground.
“And I also didn’t need to throw my assistant at you,” said Twilight as the glow around her and the others became brighter. “He was already sneaking up on you.”
“No…” muttered Discord, his eyes widening. He quickly brought his shaky hands back up and attempted to snap his fingers. “No no no no no no…”
There was an explosion of color as a rainbow burst out of the magic surrounding the ponies. It shot through the air, striking Discord and sending him crashing to the ground.
Discord got back on his feet and stared in horror at himself. There was a cracking noise as his lower body turned to stone. He frantically gazed at his hands, which were being enveloped by stone. “This can’t be happening…” he muttered. He glared at the ponies and yelled, “You think you’ve won?! You’ve already lost! Equestria is doomed, do you hear me?! DOOMED!” He screamed as his face was covered in stone, trapping it in an expression of horror.
Meanwhile, in the Royal Gardens:
Sweetie Belle hissed in anger as her mace snapped in half against the red barrier surrounding Snails. “Equestria is mine!” she squeaked in anger.
“Wrong!” said Snails, his eyes a blazing red. The amulet around his neck bounced against his chest as he walked forward. “Only I will rule Equestria! If you surrender, though, I might make you my queen.”
Sweetie glared at him. “Bitch, I play second fiddle to no one.”
Snails laughed maniacally. “Then prepare TO DIE!” A fireball appeared above his head as he prepared to strike down Sweetie.
The amulet around Snail’s neck suddenly disappeared. The fireball above him and the shield around him fizzled out of existence. The red in his eyes faded until only his normal black eyes remained. “Uh…what just happened?” he asked. “Where are we?”
Sweetie Belle blinked and said, “You don’t remember what happened?”
Snails shook his head, “No. Why?”
Cheerilee and the rest of the class poked their heads out from behind some bushes. “…Yeah,” said Cheerilee, “You two are getting detention.”
“Aw…” groaned Snails and Sweetie.
Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle:
The door to Luna’s room swung open as Luna’s ears popped back into existence on her head.
“Twilight did it!” said Celestia excitedly.
“Twilight did shit?” repeated Luna, setting her controller down. “What shit?”
Celestia turned to her sister and said, “No, ‘it’. Twilight did ‘it’.”
“Twilight’s Fitbit?” asked Luna. “She has one? That’s surprising. She doesn’t really seem like the type of mare who…um…moves.”
“No,” said Celestia. “Twilight did ‘it’! She freed us!”
“Oh!” said Luna. She rubbed her ears. “Man, I hope these things are hooked up right…” She blinked and looked around. “…Where’s my antique vase?”
Celestia stared at her for a moment. “…Gotta go, bye!” she said as she rushed out of the room.
Back in Ponyville:
Everyone watched as the destroyed buildings repaired themselves. The splintered, broken pieces of wood and glass were lifted up into the air and put together like a jigsaw puzzle. In mere moments, the buildings around them looked brand new.
“We did it!” cheered Twilight. “Everything’s back to the way it was!”
“My script!” said Pinkie, running over and grabbing it. “Finally!” She opened it and began reading.
The others cautiously approached Discord’s statue. They stood in front of it, looking into the scared expression on his face.
“…Anybody got a marker?” asked Rainbow Dash. “We could draw dicks on his face.”
“While that would be funny and completely deserved, we should figure out what to do about him,” said Twilight. “We can’t just leave him here.”
Spike shivered as he looked at Discord’s terrified face. “It’s creepy the way his eyes follow you around.”
“Excellent point, darling,” said Rarity. Her horn glowed blue and a nearby trashcan floated up to Discord’s head. The trashcan was turned upside-down and dropped onto Discord’s head, hiding it from view. “There!” said Rarity, smiling. “Much better.”
“Is there a nearby cliff we could push him off of?” asked Applejack as she glared at the statue.
“I know how to hide a body,” offered Fluttershy.
Twilight looked over at Pinkie and said, “What does your script say we should do?”
Pinkie gave Twilight a surprised look. “You…you want to know what my script says? You don’t think it’s creepy that I know what’s going to happen?”
“No,” said Twilight, smiling at Pinkie, “Because I know I can trust you with it. Now, what does it say?”
“Wow…um…” said Pinkie. She flipped through the pages in her script and stopped at the page she needed. “It says that we just leave the statue here. Princess Luna will come and bring him back to Canterlot.”
“Great!” said Twilight. “Then we don’t need to worry!”
“Aw…” said Applejack. “Ah really wanted to push him off a cliff…”
Pinkie frowned as she looked over her script. “…Weird…” she muttered.
“What is?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well…” began Pinkie. “My script is in two different colors. Some of the lines are in black ink, but then some of them switch to red ink. The last script just had black ink.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Twilight. She walked over and nudged Pinkie. “I think we’ve earned ourselves a little party, don’t you?”
“A PARTY?!” exclaimed Pinkie, slamming the script shut. “Why didn’t you say so?! I’ll invite everyone in Ponyville!” She put her script in her mouth and ran off.
“W-wait Pinkie!” shouted Twilight as she ran after Pinkie. “I said a little party!”
Everybody ran after the two. In their haste, they all failed to notice the red pen laying in the dirt at the feet of Discord’s statue.
Hours later, at Canterlot Castle:
“LIFT, LIFT, LIFT!” shouted Gung-Ho Guard as he and the other Royal Guards carried Discord’s statue back to the gardens.
“I think I pulled something…” moaned Depressed Guard.
“WIMP,” shouted Gung-Ho Guard.
Princess Celestia watched the Royal Guards carry the statue away with a smile. She turned and said, “Thank you for going to get Discord back from Ponyville. Although…I was a little surprised that you took responsibility for it, Blueblood.”
Prince Blueblood smiled as he bowed to Celestia. “Let’s just say my priorities are now in order, Auntie. I’m just embarrassed that nobody thought to search for you and Aunt Luna.”
“That’s alright, Blueblood,” said Celestia. “You all had to deal with the chaos Discord was causing out here. I don’t blame any of you in the slightest.” She sighed and stretched, her back popping. “This has been one hell of a day. I think I need to unwind in my sex dungeon.”
Blueblood blinked. “Your what?”
“I-I mean…the library!” said Celestia quickly. “Right! That’s…that’s what I meant. Um…keep up the good work, Blueblood!” She quickly turned and ran back into the castle.
Blueblood was silent as he watched her go. After a few moments, he heard another pony walk up to him. “Geoffrey,” he greeted, turning to face the other stallion.
Geoffrey the butler nodded at Prince Blueblood and said, “Does she suspect anything?”
Blueblood smiled and said, “No. As far as Celestia knows, I’m still her whiny nephew.” He frowned and said, “Where are you keeping the real Blueblood, anyway?”
“Somewhere safe,” said Geoffrey. “Once everything is ready, I can finally be rid of him.”
“Good,” said Blueblood. He looked up at the setting sun above him, his eyes flashing green. “Tell the Queen that step one of the plan is underway.”
Geoffrey smirked, his eyes flashing green as well. “She’ll be delighted.”