Derpy was sitting on a small round table, a blank expression on her face. A rope was around her neck, tied to the ceiling fan above her. She’d been sitting there for the past few minutes, neither moving to knock the table over nor removing the rope.
She had always been a loser. That was an inescapable fact. She was the bottom rung of the social ladder, and everyone had treated her like dirt. Shooting had changed things, holding back the others through fear of his wrath, but in the end he was as bad as the rest of them.
The only thing she had done right was not to abort her child. Dinky was the only thing she had never regretted about her life. Dinky was like a bright light in a dark tunnel, the only thing that had kept her going on despite what Shooting had done to her. She had thought that the bad times were over, that things were finally looking up, but obviously that wasn’t the case. She was like a cosmic joke, a plaything of the universe; given beautiful things only to snatch them away.
Things were never going to get any better. They would only grow continuously worse. That much was clear to her. Tears began coming down her face.
Just a few steps. That was all it would take. Her weight would force the table over. The only reason she hadn’t done it yet was thoughts of Dinky. One day her daughter would learn the truth, and she’d be justifiably angry and upset. Dinky might even hate her.
“But would that be a bad thing?” she said out loud. “Everything I touch seems to turn to ruin. I can’t seem to do anything right. Why should I expect motherhood to be any different? Wouldn’t Dinky be better off without me, growing up with a loving pair of friends like Lyra and Bon Bon? She wouldn’t have to suffer my curse.”
She put her hoof to her heart. “It will hurt. It will hurt a lot, but in the end… Dinky deserves better. Better than me.” Her eyes clenched shut, her body aching at the thought. “And… and so… s-s-so…” She slowly stood up, her breathing getting heavier, even as her head felt lighter and lighter.
She lifted a hoof, keeping it in the air, hesitating again. Why? Why couldn’t she take the step?
Her head turned as she heard some frantic banging coming from another room, but her attention rapidly waned. She made herself take the first step, wondering how many steps it would take to knock the table over.
A squeak, and the sound of hooves; a gasp as they halted.
“Derpy, stop!” Bon Bon cried out.
“Don’t do this!” Lyra pleaded.
Derpy ignored them for a few moments before slowly turning her head. “What do you want?” she said dispassionately.
“What do you think we want, you idiot? We came here to stop you.”
Derpy let out a mirthless laugh, an odd smile coming to her lips. “Yeah. That’s right. I am an idiot, aren’t I?”
Lyra threw her hooves over her mouth. “I-I didn’t mean that. You know that!”
“What happened, Derpy?” Bon Bon asked.
“It doesn’t matter.” Her smile was gone as she looked back down at the floor. “Nothing matters anymore. I know that now.”
“Derpy, please! Something had to have happened. You wouldn’t just make a decision like this out of the blue!” She took a few steps forward.
“Stay back!” she yelled, taking a big step toward the edge, small tremors running through her body. “Don’t come any closer. I’ll do it! I’ll do it! I swear I will!”
Bon Bon immediately backed up, gently waving a hoof up and down. “Okay, there. I’m back. I’m back. Don’t do anything rash.”
Derpy considered them for a few moments before backing up a little too. Tears began coming down her eyes as she threw a hoof over her face, the pain washing over her like a tidal wave.
“What happened, Derpy?” Bon Bon asked again in a soothing voice, but this time she didn’t try to approach, even though she longed to.
“DEATH!” she yelled, shaking her head, her face still covered. “I-I-I got word that my parents were in an ac-accident.”
Bon Bon and Lyra looked at each other, sorrow in their eyes. Now things made sense. Both of them wanted nothing more than to go up to her and give her the biggest hug in the world, but they didn’t dare get any closer with Derpy on the edge. They didn’t want to risk forcing her into submission, as one slip could lead to her succeeding in her plan. They had no choice but to talk her down for now. So long as she stood still and was willing to talk with them they would wait as long as they had to for Derpy to calm down.
“Derpy, I’m so sorry to hear that, but this isn’t the solution.”
“That’s right!” Lyra agreed. “Do you think your parents want you to die?”
“I don’t care anymore,” Derpy responded blankly. “It just doesn’t matter. I’m all alone now. It’s too much to handle.”
“What do you mean ‘alone?’ You have Shooting Star to-”
“SHUT UP!” Derpy was blazing now, her body red hot. “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUPPP! Don’t you mention his name! I hate him! I hate him with every fiber of my being!”
“What are you talking about? You tell us all the time-”
“Because you’re as dense as rocks!” She turned her body toward them, shaking in rage. “You don’t understand a thing! Shooting Star is the biggest scum in Equestria. He used me for my body then threw me away, blackmailing me to keep quiet about what he did by threatening to take away his protection that’s kept all my bullies from picking on me again.”
Both Lyra and Bon Bon were staring at her wide-eyed and open-mouthed.
Derpy finally processed their expressions, and her anger was again replaced by sadness. Her head sunk as she began sobbing again. “Well, now you know just how pathetic I really am.” She turned away from them. “I’ve been lying to you all this time so you wouldn’t know the truth. I kept thinking that maybe there was a trick… some reason that he did what he did, but there was nothing.
"I kept hoping that he would apologize and admit he was wrong. I kept attempting to rekindle our relationship, growing more pathetic all the while, even offering myself to him whenever he wanted if he would just be my coltfriend again.” Her head drooped even lower. “I’m so ashamed of who and what I am, what I stooped to in order to preserve things despite the mounting evidence that it was never going to come to pass.
“I’m tired… so tired… I have nothing left. I lost Shooting Star. I lost my only family. I can’t raise a child all by myself.” She put a hoof to her face, wiping away some tears.
Lyra and Bon Bon were now crying right along with her. They had had no idea how much she had been suffering. “Derpy,” Lyra said gently, “please don’t do this. Ponyville just lost two ponies today. We don’t need to lose a third.”
“Why does it matter? Whether I’m here or not life will go on. I’m not like Celestia, loved and adored by everyone and more powerful than any other pony.” She sniffed. “My disappearance won’t mean a thing.”
“How can you say that?” She took a step closer. “You’re one of our best friends. Of course it will mean something.”
Derpy said nothing.
Bon Bon took a few steps forward, her face set in a glare.
Derpy pulled on the rope. “I told you to stay away!”
“Maybe that’s all fine for you, but what about your daughter?”
“Dinky was the sole spot of light in a dark life, but even she can’t help me now.”
“So you say!” She halved the distance between them again.
“Stay away!” Derpy cried out, taking a step toward the edge of table.
“Go ahead and do it if you’re going to!”
Lyra gasped. “Bon Bon!”
Derpy finally turned to look at her again, mild interest in her eyes.
“Maybe you’re right,” Bon Bon said. “Me and Lyra have a lot of friends, and we have a deep relationship with each other. It would be hard, but in time we could get over you.”
“What are you-”
Bon Bon shoved a hoof in Lyra’s face to shut her up. “But Dinky is another story. Sure, we could provide a home and loving care and raise her, but no matter what we did we could never replace her mother. We could never be what you were to her.”
Closing the distance she continued on. “Do you know what happened before, when we discovered Dinky?”
Derpy opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
“The only thing she did was ask for YOU!”
Derpy averted her eyes, trembling.
“‘Where’s Mama? I want Mama!’ ‘Mama, where are you?’ Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama! You are her mother, and she’s naturally going to be the most attached to you. How are we supposed to answer her when she someday asks why you’re not around? Why we raised her instead of her own mother?”
Bon Bon was in front of the table now, and still Derpy offered no further protests. “You’re in pain right now because you just lost YOUR mother. Is that what you want to put Dinky though?”
Derpy’s whole body clenched, and she shook her head. “Of course not! I… I just don’t know what else to do. I have no one else to ask for help. I can’t raise Dinky alone. I’m barely able to make ends meet right now. Now I don’t even have my parents. It hurts so bad I can’t stand it. I’m not going to be able to raise a child like this.”
Lyra came up to the table as well. “Derpy, you silly head. Of course you’re not alone. All of us are here for you too. We’re your friends. We’re happy to provide assistance, but you have to be willing to ask for help.”
The last word seemed to ring through her body, echoing in her head. “Help?” she said in a dazed voice. She looked at the two of them. They hadn’t given up on her. They still believed in her. They didn’t hold it against her for lying.
And the word burst out of her, the one she’d wanted to say for so long. “Help… help… help! Help me! Help me! Oh Celestia, please help me!” The word grew more and more hysterical until it was incomprehensible and she was bawling her eyes out, squeezing herself for support.
Lyra rubbed her side. “That’s it, Derpy. Just let it all out.”
Derpy was venting her powerful emotions, but it wasn’t enough. She needed more. She wanted to be by her friends. Getting a little control over herself she rubbed her eyes and asked in a child-like voice, “Can I have a hug?”
The two of them grew teary-eyed. “Of course you can!” Bon Bon said with a big nod, putting her hooves out and smiling.
A hint of a smile fluttered across Derpy’s face, so grateful to have such good friends. She went to jump down to them.
There was a split-second of realization that all three of them shared that she hadn’t taken the noose off her neck before it pulled tight and yanked her backward. She let out a choked sound as her flailing legs knocked over the table beneath her, knocking away her only source of support.
All three of them used their skills to try to aid her right as gravity made the noose pull tight, cutting off her oxygen. Derpy flapped her wings, Lyra used her horn to help lift her up, and Bon Bon rushed underneath her, giving her a hoofhold to stand on.
Derpy fumbled at the rope around her, but couldn’t get herself any breathing room.
“Lyra, get a knife from the kitchen!” Bon Bon said desperately, hearing Derpy gasping for breath.
“Right!” she said, running toward the kitchen. She found a knife rack and pulled out the biggest one she could find.
She returned back to see Derpy was starting to turn blue, and she rapidly sawed at the rope, severing it one strand at a time. Her heart was racing a mile a minute. She was terrified Derpy was going to fall.
Derpy felt like she was in another world. There was pain, but it felt detached from her the longer she was stuck. Lyra was slashing away at the rope holding her prisoner, but she was barely aware of it. Spots were popping up in front of her eyes, and she felt she might pass out at any moment.
In that moment, when the peace of oblivion felt so close, came the image of her daughter. Dinky was so little, so precious.
She could hear her daughter’s voice, saying the words Bon Bon had told her before. ‘Mama, Mama. Where’s Mama?’ Dinky was looking for her. She couldn’t afford to go yet. She didn’t want to put her daughter through what she was suffering right now. She had promised Dinky that she wouldn’t let her suffer for her own stupid mistakes. She didn’t want to break that for anything.
Her eyes closed halfway as she lost strength in her limbs. Was she too late? ‘Dinky… I’m sorry…’ Her thoughts blurred as time slowed, falling towards the floor. She waited for the pull of the rope to finish the job, unable to stay up any more.
“Hah!” Lyra cried out as she gave one last slash to the rope, severing it just as Derpy collapsed.
Derpy was barely conscious of landing on the ground.
Lyra quickly moved the knife to Derpy’s neck, sawing away at the rope.
Bon Bon tapped Derpy’s face, terrified at the blank expression on her face. “W-why didn’t you do that first?” she asked harshly. “She’s going to suffocate!”
“I-I’m sorry!” she said, tears dripping down. “I-I didn’t want to risk cutting her!”
Bon Bon saw the knife shaking violently, and she silently berated herself for distracting her friend. “No, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said that. I’m… I’m scared too. But you can save her. Believe in yourself.”
She moved her head down to the knife handle, taking it in her mouth to help steady it as they moved it back and forth.
Derpy felt like she floating on a bed of water, separate from her body. Her surroundings had turned white. Was this what death was like? So peaceful… so tranquil. She could accept this as her end.
Just as she began to think that, memories flashed before her eyes. So many precious memories she got to share with her daughter that filled her heart with joy and kept her going.
She wouldn’t ever forget Dinky’s first smile. She was exhausted, having been up most of the night trying to get Dinky to go to sleep. Her mane was a mess and she was growing frustrated as she lost her patience. Just as she was about to lose her temper and just throw Dinky in her crib and let her cry herself to sleep her daughter did it: Dinky looked right into her eyes and smiled past her pacifier.
Instantly her anger faded, and she could only smile back as tears came down her eyes.
When she brought up her issue with getting Dinky to sleep her mother suggested singing her a lullaby, and that was the beginning of a special ritual between the two of them. Dinky seemed to adore her singing, and would usually conk out pretty easy when she did it.
Dinky had just begun her life, and she had so much potential inside of her. She was going to be someone great. However, she wouldn’t reach that spot without a proper upbringing. She needed loving ponies in her life to teach her how to be her best.
If there was only herself to consider she wouldn’t mind this escape… but there wasn’t only herself. If Dinky was crying out for her, if her daughter was suffering, if she needed her mother’s love… then she would be there. She couldn’t abandon her daughter to the world’s cruelties. Not so long as she was there to care for her.
Even it meant more pain, more bruises, more hardship… she couldn’t leave Dinky behind. The white began to fade to blackness as her will to live flared up. ‘I want to live,’ she said in her mind. ‘I WANT TO LIVE!’
“Just… one… last… cut… and…!” Lyra muttered between the back and forth motion. “Got it!”
Derpy gasped in oxygen as the last strand of the rope snapped, and she fully returned to herself. Her neck was burning as she forced herself up to a sitting position.
“Easy, Derpy!” Bon Bon said cautiously, using her hoof to pull off the remains of the rope. She threw her hooves around her friend. “You idiot! I thought we’d lost you.”
Lyra closed the distance as well, joining Bon Bon as the two of them cried.
Derpy put a hoof to her neck, rubbing it. She had come so close to death twice that night, both times by her own hoof. And what had stopped her both times was the love others had for her. First her daughter, then her best friends.
“Thank… you….” Her voice was hoarse and it was a struggle to get the words out. “Thank you!” She lifted her own front hooves and put them around her friends as she joined in on the crying.
The two of them only held her tighter in response as they let their emotions go.
After only a short time she pulled away from her friends. “Dinky,” she rasped out, walking toward the front door. She only got a few steps before growing dizzy and tripping.
“Derpy, stop!’ Lyra called out.
She lifted herself up. “I can’t! I… I have to see Dinky.” Spots flew before her eyes and she collapsed back to the floor. “Dinky… have to see… Dinky.”
Lyra used her magic to lift Derpy on Bon Bon’s back, keeping her spell active to keep Derpy from falling off. “Just relax, Derpy. We’ll take you to her right now.”
Derpy closed her eyes, not wanting to see anything else except her daughter. “Fine,” she muttered out.
Derpy didn’t make any fuss as they walked back to Lyra and Bon Bon’s house.
When they arrived Shoeshine and Berry Punch were waiting outside. Shoeshine gasped when she saw the trio, running over with Berry not far behind. “Oh my gosh!” she said. “She’s…. she’s not…”
Lyra shook her head. “No. She’s alive. Just a little tired.”
Derpy opened her eyes, lifting her head a little.
“Oh, I’m so glad you’re-” Berry started.
“Quiet! Please be quiet!” Derpy cried out. Her friends were all right in front of her, but it was the tiny sound that captured her full attention. Even though they were apart, the noise was almost deafening to her. She hopped off Bon Bon’s back, feeling strength like she’d never felt coursing through her veins, wiping away all her pain as she ran toward the house. She stumbled slightly at first, but she managed to stay upright, ignoring everything else.
Doctor Hooves was doing his best to comfort Dinky, but she refused to be consoled.
“Maaammaaaaaa!” Dinky cried out. “Where’s… my… mamaaaaa!”
“Dinky!” Derpy cried out.
“Mama?” Dinky’s sobbing stopped almost instantly as her head whipped around toward the familiar voice. “Mama!” Her face broke out in a smile.
Derpy’s eyes began to overflow with tender tears. “Come here, my little Muffin!” She put her legs out.
Dinky hopped right off Doctor Hooves. She started out running, but midway there her horn began to glow and she flew into the air right toward her mother.
Derpy caught her, hugging her close and nuzzling and snuggling her, just as Dinky did to her.
“Mama, Mama, Mama, Muffin, Mama, Mama, Muffin!” Dinky babbled joyfully, holding as tight as she could.
Dinky’s feelings washed over her. Hearing the way her daughter was so upset without her around she was glad she had survived her near-death experience. She never wanted to put Dinky through such a traumatic experience.
She had nearly broken her vow, but she renewed it right then and there in her mind. She promised that her daughter would always come first, no matter what. She couldn’t afford to die. And while she couldn’t control fate, she could at least not aim to end her own life. Because there was a little girl right in front of her who desperately needed her and couldn’t imagine life without her.
“I love you, Muffin!” she said tenderly.
“I loves you’s too, Mama!” Dinky replied, giving her a kiss.