//------------------------------// // Don't let the bearbugs bite. // Story: Home is for the Weak // by Pickleless //------------------------------// "Nopony, I can't sleep." Scootaloo whispered. The stallion groaned. "Could you tell me a bed time story?" she continued. "Oh here we go..." Nopony grumbled. "Pleeeeease?" "Okay, okay... So, once upon a time, there was a little foal, who had a pet T-Rex." "Why am I a T-Rex?!" Scootaloo accused. "Okay, so first of all, you're the one who just identified with the T-Rex." "Yeah, but obviously you would make yourself the main character of your story." "Well yeah, but you could've been somepony else in the story." Scootaloo sighed, "alright, whatever, keep going..." "The foal's name was Living Legend, and the T-Rex was named Scootabooty." "Why did I even have faith in you?" "Do you want a bed time story or not? Because complaining every time I start speaking is not winning you any points here." "I want a good story." "I want a good kid." "I want a good ruler." The two glared at each other in silence. "You know, Luna was always my favorite princess," Scootaloo spoke up, "sometimes, I secretly wish she won that fight a thousand years ago." "Wow really?" Nopony feigned surprise. "That's a pretty unpopular opinion, in fact, I could confidently say that just about everypony would disagree with you." "Yeah, I guess that was stupid of me. I mean, everypony loves Celestia. Except for all those silly unicorns in court, you know, the ones that nopony takes seriously." Scootaloo narrowed her eyes. "You know, it's a little odd that nopony even knows what they complain about, in fact, it's almost as if the only information about them is their bad reputation." "Ah, praise Celestia for having such a gentle patience with the youth of Equestria, talking about things they don't know so confidently. Why, of course the unicorns in court make very legitimate demands, like 'let's raise the taxes on farmers,' and 'let's relocate all of Cloudsdale because it blocks the sun at certain times of the day.' Very critical for the well being of our country." Nopony gave a wistful sigh. "Oh yes, let's tax the poor farmers more, we all have heard that one. Isn't it a little weird how that's the only complaint we ever hear? It's almost as if a crooked politician of a tyrant wants us to solely focus on that matter so we'll ignore more reasonably made complaints brought to the thrones." "Oh Scootaloo~" Nopony laughed, "look at you, just a child and yet you're already thinking about the future of our country. Cute little foals like you should be sleeping at times like this. Oh right! The story..." Nopony cleared his throat. "Once upon a time, there was a gallant knight, who had a pretentious, stupid squire." "The squire was really sad, because his knight was a lazy jerk who slept in bed all day." Scootaloo continued. "The knight was bed-ridden, because the squire would mouth off to him all day and night long, which gave him insomnia." Nopony raised his voice. "The squire worked very hard to cure him of his disease, but nothing ever worked, because he never got the stallion the one thing he really needed! A HUGE, FROTHING GLASS OF MAN THE BUCK UP!" "CHICKEN!" "GARBAGE SWAN!" "Every time I look into your eyes I vomit slightly!" Nopony growled. "You are the reason I don't believe in the maker!" Scootaloo shot back. "Hey Scootaloo, why did the chicken cross the road!?" "Why?!" "Because it can't fly!" "Hey Nopony, why did Luna try to make the night eternal?!" "WHY?!" "BECAUSE SHE LOVED A GIANT FLOATING ROCK MORE THAN HER OWN SISTER!" "YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE!" "YOU'RE EXCEPTIONALLY HANDSOME!" "YOU MUST BE FRIED CHICKEN, BECAUSE YOU'RE SIZZLING HOT GURL!" Scootaloo screamed like a demon and tackled Nopony. "I am Tyrannosaurus Scootabooty!" Scootaloo screamed as she bit into Nopony's neck. "AUUUUUGH!" Nopony screamed on the top of his lungs as he flailed about. He jumped out of the box and hid behind a dumpster. "This is Fat Banana," he spoke into a empty tin can, "My whole squad has been eaten by a giant orange chicken, I am the only survivor." "Fat Banana, this is Flaccid Pancake, please send me your coordinates." Scootaloo responded from the other side of the dumpster. "I'm at- oh no, OH NO!" Nopony shouted. "Fat Banana, report! Fat Banana!" Scootaloo shouted into her tin can. "Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun..." "This is Flaccid Pancake, if anypony hears this, tell my wife and child the reason I'm going to die is probably because I showed off a picture of them five minutes ago." "DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN-" "COME ON, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!" Scootaloo yelled, cocking a broken lamp. Nopony roared and leaped at Scootaloo, tackling her back into the cardboard box. His wings trailed along her stomach as he tickled her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO," Scootaloo screamed while laughing, "I'M MEEEEEEEELTING, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" "THE CHEMICAL IS WORKING, THE CREATURE WILL SOON BE NO MORE!" Nopony boomed. Nopony tickled Scootaloo for a minute straight. Ten minutes later, she was fast asleep.