//------------------------------// // Chapter XIII: "Great Scott!" // Story: FireStarter // by Cereal-Killer //------------------------------// "I assume you know what a necromancer is, yes?" The princess questioned, grave undertones in her voice. "A mage who possesses the power to raise the dead." "We are facing possibly the strongest necromancer Celestia or I have ever come across. An undead army was seen walking the eastern mountains. Undead humans." "Well, when I left, the east was one of the most highly populated parts of the world so it would make sense to build an army there." "How many were there?" "To my knowledge the number in India and China combined was somewhere around two billion." Luna's eyes widened dramatically and she became deadly serious. "Human John, you jest? Surely there cannot be that many!?” "There's probably a lot more if you take into account death rates and the amount of time that passed. But at the same time, most of those bodies would be ash and dust by now if my guesses on the time in between when I'm from, and when I am now are correct." Visibly alarmed, the princess grimaced. “Then the situation is far more dire than we have realised.” “Wasn’t the situation dire to begin with? We’re talking about someone who can use his undead to kill people, then bring them back up to fight for him?” “Do not mistake my wording for underestimating the enemy, any and all rogue magi can cause untold amounts of trouble for the crown, especially if they are a unicorn.” There are non-unicorn mages? I found that odd, but filed away my questions for a later date. Luna looked away and then back to me, “Twilight has informed Celestia and I of your plans to return home for a short while. This is acceptable, but Celestia believes it would be right of you to bring back useful equipment. I would prefer weaponry, but ultimately, you need not follow our orders, you must, however, follow Twilight’s.” she grinned. “Something tells me that human literature may be coming back with you.” “I've got better than books, believe me.” “Back to the matter at hoof, it is believed that he or she is hiding in one of the Yakyakistani mountains, and my captain is in the middle of organising the group that shall make first contact with the necromancer. You are expected to be part of this group, as you are one of the guard captains. Shining Armour will also be a part of this, because the Yakyakistani’s tendency to be rather rash, we have disguised the group as a democratic convoy, and you will be joined by Prince Blueblood as the ambassador. This will also give you a good base of operations in Yakarachi, the capital. Do you have any questions?” I shook my head, “No, not particularly. How long have you known about this guy? That plan seems pretty well thought out.” “It was a simple coincidence. There was, and still is a diplomatic mission being led by Captain Armour and Blueblood.” her ear twitching, she looked towards the door. “We will continue this conversation at a later date. For now, I shall bring you back to Ponyville.” her horn glowed, and I was back in Twilight’s castle. A few feet off the ground. After a painful landing and a minute or two of feeling winded, I got myself up and trudged over to the library area in the castle and began having a gander at some new books on different thaumaturgical trees (areas of magic). Soon after I was seated comfortably, a wild Twilight appeared through the doorway, her face completely covered by the tome she had held in her telekinesis. I coughed, waking her from her knowledge-consuming reverie, “Twilight, when will dinner be ready? It’s six in the afternoon.” She giggled, “John, you sound like Spike," Well that cant be good, "He was Always asking about food, mooching off of my own funds, Raiding the fridge constantly and-” I put a hand up.“I get it, Sparkplug.” her face scrunched up at the nickname. I stopped and looked away before muttering, “Not like that’ll stop me from raiding the fridge...” Twilight’s ears perked up. “What was that?” “Nothing, nothing. Just talking to myself, is all.” I hastily covered up my grumbled comment. “So when will tea actually be ready?” “I’m not sure, Spike was meant to cook, but he was a bit preoccupied at Rarity’s so we might have to go buy something.” There was a moment of silence between us. “Hayburger?” Twilight suggested. I nodded affirmingly, “Hayburger.” Twilight and I walked mostly in silence as we walked past Sugarcube Corner, the open windows giving us a view of The Cake Family cleaning up the café. Pinkie, of course had brushes attached to each hoof and her head, scrubbing the ceiling as if held on by a pair of suction cups. Meh. I've seen weirder from her. "Twilight? Am I dreaming?" I asked the purple mare next to me. She looked utterly bamboozled for a moment, "Um, no. What makes you say that?" "It feels like it's real, shit hurts, things feel good, all that stuff, but there so many inconsistencies. Physics seems like a suggestion rather than a set of grounded laws here. Biology doesn't make sense..." I scowled. "I mean, how do Pegasi even work? The wingspan to body mass ratio is skewed so badly that they SHOULD just be a deformity, but they work! I mean gravity here must be relatively similar if not higher due to added mass from asteroids hitting Earth and because I haven't had a drastic increase or decrease in strength or comparatively an increase or decrease in bone density. How do I know you're real? How do I know I’M real?" Twilight was keeping up with my scientific talk, unlike most ponies, who look at me like I’m speaking in tongues whenever I mention something like Pythagoras’ theorem, oh Wait, they call it PySTAGoras’ theorem, because shitty puns created by fucking equine bastards. Sorry about that, i accidentally melted the ink cartridge in the pen, forgot to put heat resistant runes on it. Got one of the spares I had with me now. “I know I’m real.” Twilight replied. I huffed, “That's exactly what someone who wasn't real would say.” “Well it's good that I’m not a someone, I’m a somepony!” Twilight grinned, using a little difference in language I had amused myself with, and by ‘amused’, I mean: irritated others by pedantically and constantly correcting ponies who misspoke. She continued, “It doesn't matter anyway! All that matters is whether you believe in this world or not.” “I hold little belief in… Well, belief. I trust in cold, hard facts determined by logical concepts and methodology.” God, I sound like a Vulcan. Spock would be proud. Onto something a little more substantial as to how I’ve been lately, rather than blather on about a trip to the nearest fast food joint. I’ve still kept in touch with Helix, via the exchanging messages for the last few weeks, if you wanted to know (Spike if you're reading this, I have a knife to the back of your throat). He's been doing well, doing some trading with other nations. The chitinous substance the Changelings use to build is some kind of naturally occurring carbon fibre (I know this because Helix sent me samples and Twi has some chemistry kit stuff) compound that's extremely good for building smaller structures. We came back with a bag of fast food and laid it all out over the map table. My mouth was watering as my eyes scanned over the buffet, and looking over to the princess, I saw that she was in a similar state. Breaking the trance we had built for ourselves, I proclaimed, “Well, let’s dig in then.” It was a massacre, the food didn't stand a chance, as the purple terror dipped the potato civilians in the blood of their own, then tossed them into her mouth unsparingly… Nah, I'm taking the piss, she just ate the fries. I twiddled a single fry in my hand, “Why are these called hay fries again? They look like your average potato fries.” “Branding for ponies, probably. They must do something to them because they do taste a bit like hay.” Taking a bite, i shook my head. “Twilight, it’s a placebo effect. these are just normal fries, same as the ones you’d get back home,” “Really?” she gorged on a load of eight fries at once, dipping them in ketchup before munching on them. “Huh. I must be more gullible than I thought then.” “You take trickery much better than humans.” I commented idly, adding, “ponies in general, I mean. Ponies take it better than humans. Sparky tilted her head slightly. “What makes you say that?” I sighed, “I despise being tricked, personally, and If something like that happened in the human world, the company would probably be fined for false advertising or something. Here? Ponies don't even seem to care.” We finished our meals shortly, and I was taking the last bite out of some chicken nuggets (they have a carnivore/omnivore menu available there) as Twi sidled up to me. “So… what do you plan to bring back with you tomorrow? Plenty of books, I hope.” “I don't have many books in my house.” Twilight suddenly looked slightly offended. “I do, however, have technology which can function as a portable library.” Her mouth dropped. “And highly advanced versions of the current movie technology, some of which are interactive and you can become the main character.” She started salivating. “And a device which can access all the information ever recorded by human beings: Our science, our inventions, our stories and even our very lives. They are all processed by single machines, which are easily accessible for the general population.” I sniffed at the air and scrunched my nose. “Cor! That smells like… I don't even know what that smells like!.” It was at this moment, I realised that my purple compadre had stopped a few paces back, and was shocked still, shuddering, as a a small amount of moisture dripped onto the floor. The awkward silence that ensued would be remembered for ages to come. After the silence, and some uncontrollable fits of laughter from me (yes, ‘fits” as in plural) Twilight shut herself in her room and I was guilted into consoling the embarrassed princess. And so, I found myself sitting outside the purple pony’s door, giving apologies and asking her to let me in. “Twiii, I really didn't think it was that bad…” I was sat up against the door, trying to listen in on her to no avail. She had locked the door when she went in, i could of melted it down, or tried blinking through the keyhole but I respected her enough not to do that kind of thing, as not to upset her more. A couple sniffles could be heard through the crystalline door. “I’m so ashamed! You’ll never be able to look at me without remembering that!” I sighed, dropping my head against the door with a light thud. “Twi, is that really all you’re upset about? Listen, I may not be the the most empathetic man in the world.” I caught the irony in my words as I remembered the distinct lack of fellow Homo Sapiens, “I may not be the most empathetic guy in the world, but I’m pretty sure I can look past the fact that the internet gets you wet.” Never have stupider words been spoken by a sapient being. As I guessed, silence reigned once more, before a set of hoofsteps sounded against the shiny floor and the door clicked unlocked. “Are you really going to let that pass?” Twilight asked, her head around the door. I smirked, “Well… I might tell your friends but… Ow! How heavy is that!?” I put my hand to my head, rubbing the place where Twilight had bonked me on the head with a large tome; one that was thicker than my forearm. Twilight gave a smirk of her own as I tried to soothe the pain on my poor, heavily abused head. “We alright? No misunderstandings?” The princess nodded, “No misunderstandings.” I got up from the floor, stretching my legs. “Good. Hey, if something goes wrong tomorrow…” “This spell has had months of planning and research put into it, the chances of failure are infinitesimal.” “Right, I just wanted to say you've been great, and if something goes wrong and tomorrow really does mean goodbye…” I opened the door a slight bit more, knelt down to just above eye level with her and hugged her warmly. “It's been great knowing you. That goes for Spike as well.” Twilight was speechless at first, but then she melted into the hug pretty easily, putting her head on my shoulder and wrapping her hooves and wings around me. After the long hug, we both departed to our rooms. Once I was in bed… well, it was probably the wind, but as I trained my ears, I could hear Twilight talking to herself about something or other... But it was probably just the wind. ---- It was finally the day. The day we’ve (stop reading my shit) all been waiting for. I was finally going to be home. After I had gotten dressed and had breakfast with Twilight and Spike, Sunset had appeared once again to help the casting, and we were waiting for this Starlight Glimmer pony, the one in charge of bringing the scroll. “So you’re recording this?” I asked Twilight as she scribbled some things down on a notepad. “Yep, no one has ever tried a time warp like this so its a major leap in temporal magic, so the entire event should be documented!” “Well, my point of view will be in my journal, which I’m taking with me.” The very same one I'm writing about the trip with right now. I looked towards the modified saddlebag Twilight was standing in front of. “I’m guessing that’s enchanted to be bottomless.” “Yeah, I made one for myself, actually, the first time I... escaped to Canterlot High.” Sunset added in, “It’s one of the first big spells I learned, because I ended up dragging books around all day. “ “Nice.” I pulled it into my hand and unzipped it, examining the inside by dipping my entire arm in the pocket size bag. “You can keep pulling the zip to make the entrance bigger, for larger stuff.” “Whoa! You guys were getting ready without me?” Spike yelled from across the way, causing Twilight to jump. “Spike! Don't sneak up on ponies like that.” Twilight scolded the young dragon. “Hey! I didn't sneak up on anypony, you're just easy to scare.” Twilight puffed up her cheeks and was about to give a rebuke, but the castle door suddenly swung open, slamming hard against the wall and revealing a pink unicorn with a purple mane and single blue highlight. Then the unicorn cringed and looked at the door’s impact point. “Sorry. The wind carried the door and it… kinda broke something.” Twilight rolled her eyes and took a scroll out from the unicorn’s saddlebags. This must be Starlight Glimmer, the one who was writing the scroll, which means- “It’s time.” Twilight looked towards me. ‘Time travel hype.’ Finally! You haven't said anything for bloody ages. ‘I was allowing some deep character development between you and Twilight.’ You what? ‘Nothing!’ Fine. I don't even care. “John? You need to get up on the table.” Twilight instructed, I thought it a bit bizarre, but still did what she said and hoisted myself up as the two unicorns and alicorn formed a triangle around me. “This is some full-on satanic ritual shit…” the contract was levitated above me and the casting began as the trio of horns lit up with their own glows. The room seemed to darken and the ground was rumbling lightly. One at a time, three beams lit up and fired at the contract above me, causing the rumbling to intensify and a blue orb appeared above the contract, before it phased into a hemisphere with an open surface. “One week, John! We’ll see you then!” Twilight yelled over the howling wind. “Grab the contract and you’ll be transported!” Looking upwards I reached out for the parchment, upon grasping it, i was tugged upwards into the blue void… --Extract from Twilight’s report, seconds after I entered the conflux-- ...And like that, John had disappeared, the pressure on our horns disappeared, the others seemed to be showing some minor symptoms of magical exhaustion, so I had Spike prepare us some lunch. Starlight idly commented about a lingering doubt that she had somehow failed, but I quickly dismissed it and went onto the the second reason I had invited her here… --Back to Me-- After being thrown through the portal, I ended up in a back alley, since we weren’t able to teleport me directly to England, because of the spell’s radius for distance, I was being put in New York, to board a plane back to London instead. Hopefully nobody saw me time travel back, terminator style. One thing I noticed quite quickly was how much dirtier the air was here compared to Ponyville or anywhere else in Equestria, although that might have partially been the stench of something rotting in one of the many rubbish tips that lined the sides of the alley. From the mouth of the alley, you could see the passing traffic along with glimpses of passersby. Luckily, a metal gate stood in the way of the alley, obscuring my arrival to anyone who may have noticed…except that hobo shaking in the corner. Turning to him, and setting my eyes upon the first human I had seen for over half a year, i raised my hand and simply said: “Sleep.” then he fell asleep. ‘You didn't even use a sleep spell...’ I know. And so, walking through the unlocked gate, I took my first steps back home. And I hope I only have to take a few more to the nearest taxi, because my feet are bloody killing me. ---- New York really doesn't look as good as it does in photos or movies. They always remember not to show you the bad parts of the city. A few kids smoking cigarettes, walls that had more graffiti visible than brick (Not good graffiti either, just penises or pepole writing ‘X was here.’ This was all part of my internal conversation while i was sat in the back of the taxi, being driven to the nearest airport. “So, you English? that‘s certainly an accent that reminds me of a few vacations with the kids.” the driver said over his shoulder, trying to start some friendly conversation. “Yep, Just on my way back from a holiday here.” Using the alibi I had been thinking for the last few hours before coming here. “Oh, where did you stay then? There’s a whole host of hotels you could’ve been picked up from instead of walking your way down to Central Park for a taxi.” he said back to me, as we pulled out of the more dense section of the city, the airport now visible in the distance, planes departing and arriving at the runway. “Nah, I was staying at a friend’s place.” the lie slipping through my lips smoothly. “Huh. Well, it looks like we’re here.” Lavan? ‘I’ve got it, just let me assume control for it. The spell is complex.’ I gave a silent affirmative and moved to my psyche, Lavan was now preparing our escape. The young guy in front turned around, “Alright, that’ll be seven dol- why are you trying to use the force on me?” Lavan gave him an apologetic look, “Sorry about this bud.” Lavan forced him back into the seat, casting the amnesia spell we had agreed on. The guy was out like a light in a matter of seconds. "It's a shame." I said, realising Lavan had relinquished control of my body, "He was an alright guy." 'Oh well. There's no use dwelling on it.' Yeah...Let's get on with this. ---- "Gate 17, New York to London, Gatwick, will be opening in 10 minutes. Gate 18..." I ignored information about other flights, only tuning into what was relevant. From here it seemed to be a fairly straightforward, and if i was a bit stronger, i might've been able to teleport straight to the door but that would've negated the only problem i faced: getting there. Past the metal detectors... and the staff...and all the normal people as well, seeing as most people would freak out from watching someone suddenly turn invisible in front of them. 'When did this become a stealth mission?' Since I don't have a passport. That shut him up. I began divising my ingenious plan to make my way through. ---- 'We're going to try experimental magic. Experimental magic made by someone who only just learned a few months ago that it was a thing.' Lavan spoke incredulously. Basically. I heard a wet, or in this case, molten slap that I guessed was him facepalming. 'One does not simply slow down time. You have to take into consideration the fact that it would blind you.' that's why I'm utilising suspension of disbelief. Everything else is going to be normal. Give me a bit of extra oomph to work with, L. A surge of extra power entered my body, obviously supplied by my brainmate and I began the spell. A few small changes could be seen, people were walking slower, a few people began to fall over as they slowed down midstep. Well this is the best we're getting...Let's go! And so, with all the grace of a spastic lobster, I ran through the American customs office. It actually worked out pretty well, as by the time one of them security officers grabbed a pistol or razer, whatever it was, I was already at the door to the gates. Using an old trick I learned watching prop hunt videos, I sat next to the door, went invisible and waited for the guards to fuck off, and I ended up waiting a good ten minutes until that happened. I quickly ran to the gate, thought for a good five seconds and then mind wiped the staff I walked by. They would dismiss it, and most likely never realise I was on the flight. Just as planned. 'Hey John?' Lavan asked as I plopped down on the suprisingly comfortable seat I had stolen from someone traveling first class. Yeah? Why didn't we just teleport in from the fence at the end of the runway?' Looking out of the window, I gazed at the fence, which was visible from this side of the plane. After a moment of deliberation, I came to a conclusion: I'm a fucking idiot. 'Yes we ar- I mean, you are, John.' Lavan corrected. --One boring flight and several watches of Star Wars VII and whatever else was on the Film section-- I swear that film is basically just more racial and gender inclusive version of 'A New Hope'. Not that there's anything wrong with being more inclusive (A.K.A: I don't want to trigger anyone). "Attention passengers and crew, we are beginning to make our descent.please fasten your seat belts as we prepare to land. Thank you for flying *@#$%£€ airlines and we hope to see you again." 'Finally.' Lavan paused. 'you do know we could be complete badassery and jump out of the plane right now, since I can just harden your skin to rock.' ...Lavan, why do you tell me useful shit when I don't need to know it? 'It's funny to watch you squirm.' Sadist... 'Horsefucker.' Hi kettle, the name's pot! Have we met before? Lavan grumbled a retort (which I pretended not to hear) as we made our way out of the plane. The English weather was amazing as usual. And by amazing I mean storming and utterly pissing it down with rain, of course. And the sky was overcast with dark clouds, as usual. Needless to say, it was British as fuck. Instead of being a dumb fuck, this time I just teleported out from the loo in the plane to a field just over the fence. Which was obviously muddy, now that I think about it. After extracting my self from some knee high mud and accidentally walking onto some cow shit, which had thankfully turned hard and into a cow pat instead of squelching under foot. Now was the hard part. The bit which I had to debate with Lavan for a while. Getting hit by a car. Now it may seem odd, but think about this: most people are dicks and it could waste hours or even days to wait for someone who would actually pick me up. If I used an ambulance, however, I would be able to quickly gain access to London, or wherever the nearest hospital would be. The only problem was getting run over. So here I stood, invisible on the side of a road, tracking mud with every step until a big enough vehicle came by. This is fucking stupid! " Alright! FUCK IT! LEEROY JENKI-" ---- The first thing I noticed when I woke up was my everything hurting, a general trend that was quickly growing irritating. I could faintly feel Lavan moving and thudding his head against something. Lavan? "John? I, uh, kinda fucked up while you were out." How bad? My vision clearing, I could see several police officers in front of me, cars forming a blockade and once i could hear the sound of a helicopter patrolling around above me, spotlight trained on my person. Taking back control, I put my hands in the air, I was immediately tazed, to little effect for some reason. I hate everything you stand for. The officers in front of me were quickly replaced by a murky darkness as I was hit in the back of the head, "Get him contained." I heard a button push and the voice spoke, seemingly into some kind of phone. "Sir, we have Chronos neutralised requesting eta on that tra..." Then I lost consciousness once more.