//------------------------------// // Pigheaded // Story: Spike's Doom and/or Destiny // by terrycloth //------------------------------// They ran from the church with all due haste, and possibly a bit more, just in case, and travelled back south to the main east-west road. They were tired, and hungry, so they gathered some firewood and Spike cooked up something not entirely unlike hayfries from the local grass. “Why isn’t our chef doing the cooking?” Moondancer asked, looking up from the book she was reading. She’d grabbed a few on the way out of the priest’s office. “I’m standing guard,” Bon Bon said. “But you’re lying down,” Derpy noted. Bon Bon grunted. Derpy squinted a bit at her. “And your eyes are closed?” “I like cooking,” Spike said. They sat in companionable silence for a while, until the meal was ready. It tasted a lot like grass. After a short nap, they continued on down the road. After a few more hours of travel, Moondancer consulted the map and suggested they head north into the dense forest. “I don’t think there’s a road, but it’s a coniferous forest, so there won’t be much underbrush.” “And yet somehow, all the enemies are going to suddenly jump out of the bushes before we can react,” Spike said. “You’d think we’d hear them coming.” “At least they usually seem as surprised as us,” Derpy said. “If they actually got the drop on us that could really hurt Moondancer.” Moondancer looked up. “What? Why are you singling me out?” “Because whenever there are enemies everywhere attacking everypony I always have to heal you the most,” Derpy said. Bon Bon gave the wizard a look. “You do seem to be a trouble magnet.” “Maybe because you’re the only one not wearing armor?” Spike suggested. “This is wizard armor,” Moondancer said, picking at her robes with her magic. “I bought it at the armor shop, just like the rest of you.” “Except Bon Bon,” Derpy said. “A kitchen is a kind of armor shop,” Bon Bon said, “apparently.” “Maybe there’s some sort of armor spell you’re supposed to be using?” Spike suggested. “Like the bubble spell only not as, um, two way?” “Well, maybe if I find some actual unicorn magic spellbooks I can learn one,” Moondancer said. “Until then these robes will have to do.” “I don’t think they’re actually doing anything,” Derpy said. She drew her cutlass, and waved it around as she continued, “I mean, if I try to stab Spike it’ll just bounce off, but if I stab you –” She stopped, finding herself encased in a bubble. “What?” === Sure enough, they hadn’t gotten far into the forest before two strange creatures stepped out from behind a tree. “You stop!” said the larger one. They were both green-skinned, with two legs and two arms with Spike-like claws, and faces that looked kind of like pigs, with giant tusks. They were wearing armor and carrying weapons – the big one had a sword and shield, and the smaller and thinner one had a spear. They stopped. “Are you here to talk to us, or do we have to fight?” Spike asked. “What? Don’t be stupid. Never have to fight,” said the little one. “Can’t make you fight.” “Easier to eat you if you don’t fight,” the big one added. “You can’t eat us!” Derpy said. “Stupid pony. Of course we can. Want me show you?” the little one asked. Derpy shook her head. “Eating us would be wrong! We can talk!” “Ha, pony so stupid,” the little one said. “Lord Orcus say we not eat smart animals anymore. Not eat smart ponies. But we only see stupid ponies, so we eat.” “Smart pony not come in forest,” the big one said. “I’m sorry if we invaded your territory,” Bon Bon said, “but our map told us that this was the way to Lord Orcus’s castle, and we need to speak to him, urgently.” The big one frowned. “Map… talk?” The little one slapped him. “Don’t be stupid. Paper not talk. Ponies just stupid and think paper talks. These ponies so so stupid.” “Oh, okay.” “So, basically, you just told us that you don’t even know how to read,” Moondancer said. “And you’re calling us stupid?” “We not join stupid reading cult,” said the little one. “We want join cult, we go join priest.” “It’s not a cult,” Moondancer said. “You take little ones, tell them that paper talks, make them stare at paper until they think it talks too,” the little one said. “It cult! You make little ponies stupid just like you.” “No she don’t,” the big one said. “She get eaten by orcs.” “Orcs?” Spike asked. “You’re supposed to be orcs?” “Am orc!” the big one roared. Then he opened his mouth and let out an ear-shattering series of grunts and snarls. “Am best orc!” “Look, this whole conversation is stupid,” Spike said. “You’ve got a choice, okay? Either you try to eat us, and we kill you, or you let us past.” “And we kill you,” added Moondancer. “What?” Spike asked. Moondancer lifted her scythe. “They insulted reading. They have to die.” Spike rolled his eyes, but readied his sword and shield, moving to stand between the orcs and his friends. “Okay then, you heard the mare. Which of you wants it first?” The two orcs strode forwards, the big one slamming his own shield into Spike’s helmet as he passed. “No eat dragon. Eat ponies.” “You get noisy pony,” the little one said. “I get quiet one.” A bubble appeared around the big orc as he tried to head for Moondancer, surprising him as he bounced off the resilient membrane. “Bubble pop,” he said, poking it with his sword. It didn’t pop. “Bubble pop!” he said again, louder, and stabbed it full force. The bubbled shattered. Moondancer swung her scythe at him, bonking him on the head with the shaft. He shrugged it off, and blocked her next swing with his shield. Then he raised his sword like a cleaver and brought it down on her, aiming for her head. She tried to dance aside, but it still caught her in the shoulder, the immense strength behind the blow crumpling her to the ground, her foreleg almost severed. She opened her mouth to scream, only to have her cry silenced by a suddenly-appearing muffin. Bon Bon, meanwhile, had vanished, the smaller orc looking around, trying to spot her. “Where you go? Not see you,” she said loudly and slowly, looking left and right with exaggerated motion. Bon Bon leapt out of the tree she’d taken shelter in, swinging her ladle at the back of the orc’s head, only for her swing to stop short of her target as she found herself impaled on the orc’s spear in midair. “Stupid pony. You think I not fight sneaky pony before?” The orc shook her spear, and Bon Bon’s eyes rolled in agony as she slid down further onto it, the tip emerging from her back. Then she fell to the ground as the orc dropped her spear. The little orc was confused, looking at her weapon lying on the ground, her hand still clutched around its shaft… attached to her severed arm. She looked at her shoulder, spurting blood. “What?” “Stop ignoring me!” Spike said, cutting off her other arm. “Stupid…” the little orc mumbled, before slumping to the ground. Bon Bon grabbed the spear and dragged it out of her body, gritting her teeth and squinting her eyes shut. “I’m fine,” she said, once it was out. “I popped a few candies into my mouth while everypony was talking, just in case.” Sure enough, the spear wound was slowly healing. Spike nodded, and ran towards Moondancer and the larger orc, who were still fighting. Kind of. Moondancer was lying on the ground beneath him, smacking him with her scythe to no apparent effect, while he kept stabbing her over and over. Every so often she’d try to croak out ‘Dark Eidous’, only to have another healing muffin shoved in her face before she could finish. Spike ran up and swung his magic sword at the orc’s shoulder, only for it to bounce off his giant shoulderpad. The orc hacked at Moondancer’s back, sinking his sword several inches into the meat of her flank. Spike screamed, and stabbed his sword at the orc’s back, only for the point to skitter off the back-plate of the orc’s armor, leaving the little dragon off-balance. The orc stabbed Moondancer in the neck. Spike growled, took a deep breath, and exhaled a big blast of green flames on the orc’s armor, which started to glow, and then sagged as the metal melted. There was a sizzling sound, and the smell of cooking meat, and then the large orc caught fire. And swung his sword in a side-to-side motion, slashing open Moondancer’s belly. But the flaming orc finally seemed to notice that somepony was fighting him. He turned on Spike and bashed him with his shield, knocking him to the ground. “Stupid dragon! Me eat pony now. Fight you later.” Spike breathed more fire at the orc, who held up his shield to block – until it, too, melted, the drooping metal sagging over the orc’s shield arm like a pancake before dripping to the ground and setting the pine needles on fire. He turned to look at what was left of his shield, confused, and Spike lunged at him with his sword, stabbing at his belly. His aim was a bit off, though, since he was lying on his back underneath the giant foe, and the tip of the sword sank into the orc’s crotch instead, slipping between the breastplate and the leg guards. The orc grunted, but didn’t seem all that bothered. “Dark Eidous!” Moondancer said, at last, and lightning crackled down over the metal-clad orc. “Dark Eidous Dark Eidous Dark Eidous!” Finally, the enemy collapsed to the ground in a smoking heap. “Moondancer! You’re okay!” Spike said. Moondancer nodded, and cast her cleaning cantrip to banish all the blood and dirt from her robe. “I should have been dead after the second stab, but Derpy kept healing me.” “You’re welcome!” Derpy said, smiling happily. “You should have let me die,” Moondancer said. “We could have tested the resurrection spell.” “Oh…” Derpy said, looking down. “I didn’t even think of that.” “Is that really something we want to test?” Spike asked. “I mean, what if it didn’t work?” Moondancer grimaced. “Then I still wouldn’t have had to get stabbed fifteen times by an orc.”