Pinkie Pie bounded ahead, singing at the top of her lungs. “We’re off on a hero’s journey! Out where adventure lies! On a quest the poets will sing about!”
“You have an infinite amount of energy and optimism, don’t you?” Wits End asked, trailing behind the pronking pink pony.
“Of course!” Pinkie turned around, bounding backwards through the forest. “It’s not like our mission’s changed at all! We still gotta beat the the bad guys and save the good guys, right?”
“Well, yeah, but-”
“And you three are still gonna help, right?”
Wits snorted. “Duh. Inkie, Blinkie, and Clyde are technically our fault. I’m not about to let them get away with… whatever it is they’re trying to get away with.”
Pinkie Pie wrapped a foreleg around Wits’ neck, pulling him close as she gestured broadly. “Then everything is aye-oh-dokie-kay! Now, let’s blow this cupcake stand!”
“You’re very forgiving, huh?”
The pink party pony fell silent. She pushed her face closer to the mint-colored stallion, grip tightening around him. “I’m here to watch you at all times.”
Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “Okie dokie lokie.”
Silence fell over the ponies again. In the midst of this silence, a paper scroll fell from the sky, landing across the pair of ponies’ heads. “We should probably read that,” Wits said flatly.
Pinkie continued staring silently at the minty horse.
Wits coughed. “Okay, I’ll read it then.”
“At aaaaaaall times…”
Another cough. Wits End pulled the scroll off of their heads and unrolled it. “Oh hey, it’s from Discord! It say- Okay, I need some personal space, please.” The pink pony remained unmoved. “Pinkie, pls.” He wriggled out from under the mare’s grip. “Anyway, Discord says…”
To the delightfully energetic Pinkie Pie and bad influence that’s way too interested in Fluttersh Wits End,
Guess what! It just so happens that I had just enough power left to boost everypony up two levels, so you won’t be so squishy and puncturable. Now, I know not everypony has time to do that thing where you actually think about the decisions that will influence whether you continue to exist in any meaningful way or if you shuffle off this mortal coil, so I’d like to give you the option to give that power of choice over to me. Whaddaya say?
A pair of clouds appeared over the scroll: one labeled ‘custom’, the other ‘auto’.
“Nope.” Wits punched a hoof through the ‘custom’ cloud; Pinkie’s hoof joining it soon after. “Okay, I know I chose ‘custom’ because I don’t trust Discord not to give me a +5 to kissing villains. Why did you choose it?”
Pinkie’s expression was still serious. “Because nothing good happens when you let somepony else choose the ingredients for the cake.” She shuddered. “We make sure Applejack has had enough sleep whenever she tries to help with baking now.”
“...The baked bads?”
“Shhhh!” Pinkie clamped the minty stallion’s lips shut with both her forehooves. “Don’t say their name! We do not speak its name!”
“Right. Sorry.”
The scroll rustled in something like the parchment version of a cough. “Oh, right!” Pinkie said, her energy returning. “The leveling!” The two ponies focused for a moment and more text appeared on the scroll shortly thereafter.
Nice to know you two hold my judgement in such high regard…
Pinkie, you chose Cupcake Toss and Use Magical Object. Cupcake Toss is a ranged healing ability, but be careful! It only works if your target isn’t incapacitated. Use Magical Object is pretty basic. You can activate magical stuff as if you were its creator. Have fun setting off magic wands or something like that.
Wits, you went with Hunter’s Step, which combines a dodge roll with a short-range teleport. Have fun flash-stepping around the battlefield. You’ve also chosen Wear the Mask. That one lets you take on certain aspects of the creatures you’ve used Learning on. Be careful with that one. It’s got a few… bugs.
...And that’s all I’ve got! Time to get back to making this place halfway live-in-able. Pinkie, Wits...try not to get beaten up too badly. Remember that neither of you are supposed to be frontline troops. See ya!
With that, the scroll turned into an origami swan and flew away. “Well,” Wits said, watching the former letter flap its way to freedom. “It might not look like it, but that that paper bird is a symbol of our coming freedom and victory.”
Pinkie turned to look at Wits End. “Really?”
Before Wits could respond, a shriek resounded from above them. In a flash of fury and feathers, an eagle swooped in a caught the paper swan, carrying it away in its talons. One torn folded wing fluttered to the ground in front of the two ponies, another shriek heralding the retreat of the eagle.
Wits cleared his throat. “Let’s just get to the library.”
“Okie dokie lokie! We’re off on a hero’s journey! We’re champions through and through!”
“More or less,” Wits joined in on the song, “doing what other heroes do.”
The pair of ponies arrived at the crumbling library without too much delay. “Now,” Wits said, pushing open the old wooden doors, “I have the sneaking suspicion that this will take a while to do. We should be prepared to settle in for the long haul and look through all of these bo-”
“Found it!”
Wits blinked. “Wha-” The pink pony had vanished from his side, and appeared peeking out from behind one of the shelving units on the topfloor. “How did you- Never mind. I should know better than to ask that.”
Several minutes later, Wits was laid out on the ground next to Pinkie, panting heavily. “What took you so long?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“I am… not built… for stairs…” Wits rolled over onto his back. “If I die here, remember me fondly.”
“Why didn’t you just transform into Dashie and fly up?”
The panting stopped. “You know, someday I’ll actually be smart enough to remember I can do that.” Wits picked himself up and looked at the book next to the pink party pony. “A Brief, Abridged History of Everything, Volume II. Clever. Very clever. So, what’s in the book, Miss Pie?”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Dunno. I didn’t open it.”
“Well, what’re we waiting for?” Wits clapped his forehooves together. “Let’s consume some knowledge with our optical organs!”
“What?”
“...Let’s read this thing.”
“Right!” Pinkie threw the book open to the middle. “Hey! These pages just have a big circle with weird scribbles all over it!” She poked at the pages, and the circle began glowing. “Ooh, shiny!”
Wits End’s eyebrows knitted together. “That looks like a transmutation circle. Or maybe a summoning circle? But what could it do? And why did it start glowing when you touch-” His eyes went wide. “Oh, darn you, irony.”
A flash of light drowned out any further comment. When the light had faded, the book dropped to the ground and flipped closed, the sound of its fall echoing in the now empty library.
* * *
Wits End groaned, forcing his eyes open. Then he tried to open them again. “OH SWEET CELESTIA’S HEAVENLY HINDQUARTERS!” he screamed, waving his forehooves wildly in front of his face to no avail. “I’VE GONE BLIND. BLIIIIIIIIND!”
“It’s night time, silly!” Pinkie’s face appeared next to a newly lit torch.
“...Oh. Yeah, that thing.” Wits took the torch with his magic as Pinkie produced another lit brand from her mane-floof. “Wait, it was midday when we got to the library. How can it be night time already?”
“Oh, that’s easy!” Pinkie hopped around as Wits stood up. “We’re in a different hemisphere of the world! You can tell because the stars are different. See? The Kelpie constellation is over there, instead of over there!”
Wits peered at the group of stars Pinkie was pointing at. “You know astronomy?”
“I know everything. And that moon is amazing! It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
“...Do you know where to go?”
Pinkie thought for a moment. “How about over there, where that friendly-looking city is?”
Wits brought his gaze down, looking at the lights on the horizon. “Yeah, that’s probably a good place to start. Onwards, Pinkamena!”
The two horses with names walked through the desert, toward the mysterious city in the distance. “So!” Pinkie chirped, breaking the silence of the sun-baked sandy wastes around them. “You guys don’t have Cutie Marks because you’re human? Or because you were blank flanks in your world too?”
“I mean, probably?” Wits shrugged. “Humans don’t get their talents dictated by a picture on their butt. We gotta figure it out on our own with good old trial and error. I personally like working with computers, so I guess that might be my ‘special talent’? But then I also really like writing stories, and doing art, and playing guitar with my hands. I miss hands. Like, I really miss hands. Don’t get me wrong, horns are great, but a good pair of hands? Man, I could go for some hands.”
“Uh, Minty?”
“Hmm? Oh, sorry. I was rambling. What’s up, Pink-” Wits followed Pinkie’s upward. “Oh. Um, those are kinda low for stars. And fast. And… what?”
Overhead, lights of different colors and sizes moved across the sky. Some trundled slowly far above, almost imperceptibly from the ground. Others zipped by almost directly over their heads, making no noise and casting almost no light on them.
Pinkie hopped up, trying to catch one of the low-flying lights. “What are these things? I want one! Minty, help me catch- Minty?”
Wits End was barely holding in his laughter. “Oh man. Discord, you’ve outdone yourself with this one.”
“What?”
Wits pointed at the city, now close enough to make out buildings. “A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to-”
“You there!”
Wits End froze. “Whuh oh. Sheriff’s secret police or vague yet menacing government agents?”
Pinkie whirled around to face the source of the voice. Her eyes widened in excitement, confusion, a small amount of fear, and a healthy helping of hyperactive wonder. “It’s a Man-Princess!”
“A what now?” Wits turned about. “Hey, a Man-Princess!”
The stallion in question frowned, the dark-blue fur around his eyes wrinkling. The steel armor he wore clanked as he shifted into a fighting stance. His horn glowed as he unsheathed his twin blades, each one pointed at a separate pony. “How did you get here,” he growled, wings flaring, “interlopers?”
Wits End bowed. “Forgive us, your highness. We are but poor, lost circus preform-”
“Save the flattery,” the alicorn guard spat. “How did you find our secret hidden town in the desert?”
Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “This place is a secret?”
The guard paused. Wits End took the time to clear his throat. “You wanna try that one again?” he asked.
The guard nodded. “How’d you get here?”
“We hopped on the magic schoolbook,” Wits replied. “We’re looking for secret hidden alicorn village in the leaves. Is… this the place?”
“No.” The guard’s answer was immediate.”Well, yes. Technically. But I am required by law to deny any claims interlopers might make.”
Pinkie raised her other eyebrow above the previously raised brow. “So, is this not the alicorn town?”
“No. I mean yes. I mean…” The guard sighed, his blades lowering slightly.
“Are you new at this job?” Wits asked.
“Yes.”
“How long have you been doing this?”
“All my life.”
Wits End pursed his lips. “Anyway, who can we talk to around here about raising an army?”
“An army?” The guard frowned. “What do you need an army for?”
Pinkie’s expression brightened. “We need to take down a trio of minor villains that this guy,” she jerked her head at Wits End, her mane wrapping around his face, “and his friends unleashed on the world who will eventually conquer the world if we don’t stop them!” She smiled widely.
The alicorn guard’s eyes widened as he turned to Wits End. “Is this true?”
“I meaaaan…” Wits rolled his eyes. “If you wanna put it thaaaaat waaaaaay…”
“Are you the pony known as Wits End?”
“Um… Who wants to know?”
The guard’s blade moved closer to the mint-colored colt’s face. “Answer the question, interloper.”
Wits’ eyes crossed slightly as he tried to focus on the knife tip in front of him. “How could I possibly refuse a simple request like that? I am he, and he is me, and she’s Pinkie, and we are all together.”
“Goo goo g’joob,” Pinkie Pie added in.
“Really?” Wits asked. “I always heard it as ‘koo koo k’choo’.”
The guard grumbled. “Are you or are you not-”
“No appreciation for classical music,” Wits End muttered. “Yes. I’m Wits End. I gave you my name, horse master. Now give me yours.”
With a grunt, the guard sheathed his daggers. As his cloak fluttered, Wits noticed a second pair of blades strapped to the alicorn’s back. “I am Flash Dancer, of the Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night.”
“Flash Sentry?” Pinkie asked.
“Flash Dancer,” Flash corrected. He turned away, looking over his shoulder at the adventurers. “Come with me. Princess Penumbra has put out a request for your presence.”
Wits’ ears perked up. “There’s presents?”
Flash stared blankly at the stallion. “Maybe.”
“Sweet. Lead the way.”
* * *
“Princess Luna, what’re you doing here? Princess Luna? What’re you doing here?”
Pinkie Pie looked at Wits End. “What’re you doing?”
“I’m practicing for when we meet the princess,” Wits replied. “We’ve already met the Celestia-alike, so I figure there’s only one other option.”
“Maybe it’s somepony else?” Pinkie offered.
“This is Discord we’re talking about.”
“Good point.” Pinkie Pie coughed. “Princess Luna?! What’re you doing here?”
“Ooh, that was a good one.”
“If you do not mind,” Flash Dancer grumbled, “we’re here.” He motioned toward the massive oak doors before them. “Go through there, and you shall meet the Princess.”
Wits grinned at Pinkie. “Show time. Thanks, Flash.” With a deep breath, he pushed the doors open and stepped through. “Princess Luna, what’re you- Who’re you?”
At the end of a long throne room sat a massive throne. On the throne sat an alicorn mare, clad in flowing silk and fine jewelry. On the mare’s head sat a tiara carved from a single sapphire. On the mare’s face sat an extremely bored expression.
“We knowest not who this ‘Luna’ is,” the princess drawled, her expression remaining motionless, “but We assure thee, We art the Princess Penumbra, not she.” The princess’ coat was a deep obsidian with a close cropped mane and braided tail of shimmering pale blues and cyans, much like the atmosphere of a distant planet.
Wits learned over to Pinkie Pie. “Is she speaking whatever common language ponies are supposed to be speaking? Equestrian?”
“Probably?” Pinkie replied. “Do you know what she just said?”
“I think it was ‘new phone, who dis’?”
Penumbra’s dull expression hardened barely. “Approach our throne, he of the pale green coat, and partake in our presence and speech.”
Wits End looked around before turning back, pointing at his chest in confusion.
The Princess sighed, leaning forward and leaning on the elbow of one foreleg. “Get your cute rear end over here, Wits End.”
Pinkie leaned in to Wits End. “I think she means you,” she hissed.
“I think you’re right.”
“She also seems to think you’re cute.”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I might be their thing.” Wits trotted forward until the Princess raised a hoof; about halfway down the room. “So, wassup, Penny Umbra?”
The corner of Penumbra’s mouth turned upward for a split second as she sat up again, before taking on its original dull expression. “We have heard much of thee, pale green one. Thou hast defeated our traitorous sibling in single combat, without raising a blade to her. We congratulate thee.”
“Oh, uh, thanks.” Wits rubbed the back of his head, a light blush crossing his face. “I mean, I didn’t do it on my own. I had help, like Pinkie over there.”
“Yes, so we have been told. We art most impressed that thou wouldst risk thy life for friends, even ones who thou hast betrayed for their own safety.”
Wits End frowned. “How… did you know about that?”
Penumbra stared blankly at the stallion for a moment. “Weren’t you listening to what I just said?” she asked, leaning forward again. “I said ‘our traitorous sibling’. I wasn’t being overly dramatic with that.”
“Sol Eater was your sister?” Pinkie asked from back by the door, shouting through a makeshift megaphone made out of paper mache and a bottle cap.
“Verily.” Princess Penumbra sat back.
“But I sent Sol Eater back to the cavern she came out of,” Wits said. “She should be in the center of the earth. How could you hear from her?”
Penumbra smiled a wistful smile. “Thou commanded our sibling to return from whence she came. That place art here, the Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night.”
“Wait.” Wits stared at a point past the princess. “Wait. So does that mean…”
“Verily.” The Princess leaned backwards, a smile creeping over her face. “Our sister art here, under our very hooves.”
Wits End looked down at the carpeted floor. “Well, this day keeps getting more and more interesting.”
Pinkie Pie coughed loudly from her place at the door. “Minty! The thing!”
“Oh, right! The thing!” Wits looked back up to the princess. “Princess Penumbra, we have travelled… well, probably a long way, but it’s tough to tell since we got here in almost no time at all. We’ve come here to ask for your help. A trio of villains have-”
“We know of these villains,” Penumbra interrupted. “They came to our attention several days hence. The daemon, the paladin, and the chancellor.” She waved a dismissive hoof. “They art the concern of the world beyond our city. We concern ourselves not with-”
“I’m gonna stop you there,” Wits End cut in, taking a seat on the carpet. “You’re gonna say that it’s not your problem. I’m gonna say that it’ll concern you when Team Rocket finishes with the rest of the world and shows up on your doorstep. You’re gonna say that your people can handle them. Then Pinkie will say something that convinces you to help us. Can we skip to the end?”
The princess sat in silence for several seconds. Finally, she smiled. “I can see why my sister thinks you’re cute. You have quite the mouth on you.” Her eyes flicked downward for a second. “Not exactly hard on the eyes either.”
Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Thank you? So, does that mean you’ll help?”
“Perhaps…” Penumbra shifted her gaze to Pinkie Pie. “What of you, pink one? What saith thou?”
Pinkie Pie perked up from her game of solitaire. “I think it’d be too easy if you just help us right away,” she said.
“Pinkie!” Wits hissed. “Ixnay on the asyeay! Elphay is estbay!”
“It’s what she’s thinking!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Have we ever had a quest end easily in this campaign? I mean, seriously?”
“The pink one is correct,” Penumbra said, leaning back on her throne. “We cannot simply assist thee with naught in return. Thou must assist us in return.”
Wits End sighed. “Fiiiiine. What do you want? Water your plants? Make dinner? A nice back massage? I’ve been told I have magic hooves.”
“Tempting, but nay,” the princess said, ignoring the chuckle from Wits End at the choice of negative. “We would make a wager with thee. Succeed, and our assistance shall be with thee.”
“I’m scared,” Wits muttered.
Princess Penumbra frowned. “Truly, we miss the days of our sister’s company. However, we cannot allow her freedom when she cannot be trusted for a single day. We would have thee redeem her.”
“Uhhhhhhhh…” Wits End’s eyebrows knitted. “How’re we supposed to do that?”
Penumbra leaned forward again. “Keep her out of trouble for a full day. If you can do that, we have a deal.”
“Great!” Pinkie bounced to her feet. “We can leave her in the dungeon! See ya tomorrow!”
“Not quite.” Penumbra tapped her hoof on the throne. A deep rumbling sound filled the room as the center of the room shifted away, revealing a hidden cell. The Lady of Sunlight stepped out of the pit, a smile on her face that did not quite reach her eyes. “Do not allow her to leave our borders. Do not allow her to harm our citizens.”
Wits End made a series of not-quite-words, eventually devolving to a sigh of resignation. “Fine. Great. Cool. Any advice?”
Penumbra grinned. The sound of many armored hooffalls echoed from the door behind Pinkie Pie. “One thing,” the Princess said, the corners of her eyes crinkling in amusement as realization fell on the ponies. “If thou fail, thou shalt join our sister below our throne room.” She tapped the throne again as she leaned in, a secret passage opening in the wall behind her. “You should probably move your cute rear end.”