Stepping into that library was something that I was logically prepared for. My emotions, however, were anything but controlled. A wave of fear washed over me as I noticed the unicorn students scatted throughout the room. Some were studying, others were scanning for books, and in a moment, several of them would be turning their attention to the grey earth pony as he removed a few books from the shelves reserved for their horned race alone.
I swallowed the lump in my dry throat, but it did little to quell my uneasy spirit. Despite my trepidation, I drove forward, slowly working up the courage to face them without fear. I’m not sure what I was afraid of, to be honest, I wanted to be able to stand up to their superiority in kind, but deep in my spirit something held me back. Maybe it was the thought that I was truly lesser, or maybe it was the remembrance of the other painful interactions that had long since passed. Whatever the reason it has been too long for me to recount them accurately. The dwelled in a part of my spirit that I have long overlooked, one that I dare not evaluate even to this day, for its truths may destroy the only hope I have left.
Navigating my way to the small shelf was easy in theory, but with each step I took, I grew more anxious for the inevitable encounter. I withdrew the first book, wincing as I felt the eyes of a single unicorn piercing into the back of my head. I paused and turned to look, but to my relief no pony returned my gaze. I quickly went back to the shelf and grabbed another, this time trying to be even more careful than before. Again, no pony paid much attention to me.
Then, as I reached for the third book, a hushed voice called to me from behind.
“Hey you!”
At first I didn’t react to the call, but when it was repeated, I instinctively began to turn toward the source. Before I could face it, however, the voice spoke once more.
“Do you think you could give me a hoof? I’m stuck on a spell an—” He cut his request short as I faced him. His cheeks flushed and he immediately buried his muzzle in his book.
I was rather stunned at the small gesture he had made. The brown unicorn wasn’t familiar to me, but not many were. However, something about his posture told me everything I needed to know. He was lost, stuck on a problem that he couldn’t solve without the guidance of somepony more knowledgeable than himself. I hung on that thought for a moment before decided to respond to his request.
“I can try my best.”
The book in his magical grasp raised ever so slightly. “It’s not like you would know.”
The words, as venomous as they could have been, weren’t spoken with malice. Rather, the pony seemed to be apologizing for his remark. As though he had offended me in some way. Needless to say, I was rather taken aback by this, but I was able to contain myself and respond.
“I might. However, you’d have to ask the question first.”
My calm exterior belied my heartbeat that was increasing by the second and pounding away in my ears. The unicorn froze for a few moments before finally dropping that guard of superiority he had tried to use. The book lowered to the table, but his eyes still didn’t make contact.
“I don’t know how to cast an MMU.” I could taste the shame on his voice. “If you even know what that is.”
It took everything in my power to not smile at such a golden opportunity. The books I carried in tow were all referencing its limitations and properties. If I didn’t have the perfect answer, maybe I could find it as well.
“Never mind,” he started before I could respond “you’ve obviously got other things to do and I’m wasting both of our times by asking you something like this.”
“Actually, I do know a fair amount about the MMU, you’re having trouble casting it?”
“Well, no…” She said as his gazed darted to the corner of the table. “I can cast it just fine, but I can’t change its properties.”
I paused for a moment as I withdrew one of the books from my pile and began to scan through the table of contents. I was looking for an in depth description on the properties of the MMU and how I could best help this unicorn understand them, but as I scanned through the pages, a sinking feeling found its way into my stomach. I hadn’t a clue how to cast any spells at all, why would I suddenly become an expert in them now? The phrases became harder and harder to parse as time went on, forcing that feeling to grow all to strongly in my stomach. Admit you don’t understand it and just walk away.
As I tossed another book on the table, my cheeks began to grow warm. I was in over my head and I was sinking deeper than I realized. The MMU was something that I had always felt like I understood, but putting that understanding in words was lost on me. I had always relied on others for the descriptions of how things work, for I wasn’t able to take that final step of casting.
I was learning magic backwards, and everything that felt concrete to me had been lost on the unicorn before me. Before I could begin describing the intricacies of the MMU to the pony before me, another voice sent a tremor down my spine.
“And just what do you think you’re doing here?” I knew it was directed at me, I didn’t even have to look to know it was another unicorn who had wandered back to this deserted corner of the library. I wasn’t supposed to be here, and, in response to the accusation that lingered in the air, I immediately shut the books before me.
“Oh he was ju-”
I cut into the brown unicorn’s response. “Sorry, I was just asking this unicorn about a spell…” I said as I packed my books and turned toward the hostile pony beside me. I didn’t want the unicorn that had let his guard down to take a verbal beating for his actions, if anything I was used to the abuse, and standing up for him felt right somewhere in my heart.
“Pff, like you would even be able to understand something like that. Why are you even back here?”
I stood wide eyed for a moment as I tried to formulate a half decent excuse. Then, as my mind jumped to Evenstar, I hatched a plan. “I’m keeping after Evenstar’s office while he’s away.”
“So you’re a janitor.”
I nodded.
“Then why are you retrieving books? You shouldn’t need these if he’s away,” the unicorn said as he lifted a few of the books from my stack. “Hmmm, and these are all on MMUs, why on earth would you need these?”
A small flame sparked in my chest. I wanted to fight back, to prove to my oppressor that I could do something more than he assumed, but there was also a sense of position, I wasn’t to talk back to such an authority. So I did as I always did, I simply remained silent.
“Put these back. Some pony might actually need them.”
I nodded and turned to the stack of books on the table. As I leaned in with my mouth to grab the book, the unicorn nearly shouted in disgust.
“Not with your mouth you savage! Just get out of here, I’ll deal with these.”
I nodded once more and quickly retreated to Evenstar’s office. I didn’t get a chance to turn back to the brown unicorn who had treated me with a small hint of respect. However, it was probably for the better as I would have only seen a blur through the tears in my eyes.
I raced into the room, quickly closed the door behind me and let my head come to rest against its wooden form. The room was still as peaceful as it had been, but it was impossible to make out the details through the veil of tears. As I tried to regain my composure, I lost it completely. Tears began to stream down my face as I let that word echo through my mind, that descriptor for what I truly was: a savage. It tore away at my heart, broke down my pride in one crushing blow, and let the flood of self-doubt wash over me like the rain that pounded against the window. I was lost, hopelessly searching for a glimmer of light in the darkness of the world around me. There wasn’t anything that I could do to beat the odds stacked before me.
As I sat in that very room, my mentor and friend were delivering a speech of what I had made to an audience that I couldn’t attend. I was learning so much about magic, but at the same time, there was a wall that I could do nothing to overcome. Every time I pushed it, it pushed back harder, and when I tried to break it, it broke me instead. It was too high to climb, too strong to destroy, and too wide to avoid. I was stuck, and with every step I took, I felt even more trapped.
“It just doesn’t make any sense…” I muttered as I tried in vain to wipe away my tears. “I can’t do it… I’m too insignificant, too worthless.”
My mind flashed to the concept I had chased when I had discovered the limit. I remembered chasing that fleeting hope even when all was lost. With nothing else to consider, I put myself in the place of the limit: a fleeting thing that could revolutionize the world if only somepony could chase after it.
My mind flashed to Evenstar and Amethyst and then to their endeavor to deliver my research to the world. “They’ve left too…” I whispered as the tears came once more. “They stopped the chase.”