Upon waking up, I found something disturbing. I appeared to be floating in the air while hooked up to several machines. If I had been their any longer without noticing my captor, I would've freaked the fuck out.
Twilight Sparkle was facing away from me, using magic in order to draw something, she took a quick look at me, eyes narrowed and a hoof scratching under her muzzle. She either didn't notice me being awake or chose to ignore it, but with how focused Twilight is, she probably wasn't paying attention to my face. On closer examimation I discovered the sketch was an outline of the human body, T-posed with fingers outstretched, mimicking my posture.
"Twilight. Why am I floating naked in the air?" I deadpanned.
She flinched, and turned around with a sheepish grin on her face, "Well, since I've already seen you naked, and you weren't doing anything else, I thought it would be a good idea to do some studies on the Human anatomy! Would you mind giving me the scientific names of each finger and toe?"
"Well sure. You see the fat one that's opposed to the-"
"Would you also mind making your stallionhood erect? I'd like to take... measurements. For purely scientific reasons of course." The look on her face was deceptively innocent.
Lavan took control of my voice. "Of course I wouldn't, Twilight."
Fuck you dude!
If I had to guess the expression Lavan was making, it would be somewhere between shit-eating grin and suggestive eyebrow waggle and smirk.
'That's suprisingly accurate.'
I sighed, "As I was saying." I began. "The thicker one that isn't as long is the thumb." I gave her a thumbs up. "If you go down the hand from there, you have the index, middle, ring and the pinkie." She scribbled down on the side of the paper.
"Is there any particular reason for the naming? Aside from the middle finger?"
"Ring is the one we put the ring on when we are married, I can't remember why it's called the pinkie, and index is just the most useful one. The thumb is just the thumb." I said plainly.
"Hmm... are those dark spots under your eyes normal?"
"Nope. I just have bags under my eyes. Not enough sleep and too much gaming before I came here. Same goes for the inward dip on the bridge of my thumbs."
"And...Done! Now, onto the reproductive organs..."
----
Some time later, we walked out of her dungeon/cellar into the entrance hallway.
"So, anything we need to do today? Those timetables have been sorted."
"Nope! Which is why you and I are going to spend the day around Ponyville. You've hardly been in the town since you arrived, and I thought it would be a great idea for you and the locals to get to know each other. I even made a checklist of ponies to see and places to go, see!" She pulled a rolled pice of parchment out of nowhere, as usual, then threw it out, unfurling it as it travelled through the air.
If it had been any other situation, I would've said: 'Fuck that noise, I'm gonna go learn some new spells n' shit.' But I had been hovering in the air completely static for at least half an hour, so I needed to stretch my legs. This was just a good excuse to do so.
"Alright, who's first on the list?" I said as I pushed past the main door, pushing it further open so Twilight could slip past before the door swung back. I was greeted with a good view of Ponyville at dawn, the sun barely above the horizon. If I was some poet, I'd probably talk about the morning dew on leaves and shit. But I'm no master wordsmith, so I'll just say: it was nice out. We walked in near silence, aside from Twilight's light humming and the crunching of grass under foot (or hoof, in Twi's case).
"Lyra Heartstrings. She's a musician, but also has quite the passion for archaeology. I only recently found out she was going with Minotaurs, and from what I've heard, they seem to be looking for human artifacts."
"What does she play?"
"Lyre." I rolled my eyes.
"Of course she does. Am I going to get examined by her? Scientists and Historians tend to gush on their chosen subject, in my experience."
"Yep. Lyra's always been a bit... eccentric, to say the least. Oh, there she is now!" Twilight pointed to the minty-furred unicorn with amber eyes. The moment she saw me, she tensed up and let her jaw drop. Oh boy.
"If I stay still, will she see me?" I froze up and Twilight looked at me like I was an idiot.
"Why would staying still do anything?"
I looked back in the minty unicorn's direction to find her missing.
'Horror game logic dictates she's behind you.' I jumped around, my eyes scanning the area intently. After a few seconds, I heard a voice come from the direction I wad previously looking. "HI!"
'...or that.'
"Uh...hello?" I said as a golden aura surrounded my hands and contorted my fingers about. "There's a person attached to those things, you know." I gave her an unimpressed look, and she hoisted me up with magic so I was able to stand again.
"Sorry! It's just, I've been wanting to meet a human all my life and your finally heeeeeerrrre!" She jumped up and down while smiling giddidly.
"Eccentric was a bit of an understatement, Twi." I whispered to her.
"In my defense, I haven't talked to Lyra for quite a while."
"Hmmmm, I'll let you off this time. Next time I get in trouble because of your poor judgement, I'll spank you." She flushed quite heavily at that, her tail raising slightly. "Don't worry Twilight, I'll be gentle." Her wings quivered at her sides.
Lyra was looking quite flustered herself, her ears draped against her head, sporting a lighter blush than Twilight. "Have you been to Minos? I could take you there on my next trip, if you'd like." The minty one asked
"Sounds good, I needed to go there at some point anyway. I won't be free until a few weeks, since I need to get some stuff from home first but once I'm ready I'll join you."
I didn't really talk much after that, but Twilight and Lyra apparently had to catch up with each other, so I went to the gingerbread house that Pinkie worked in. After five seconds of searching for it (it's a fucking gingerbread house, so it sticks out more than Celestia's butt plug me in a crowd of ponies).
On entering, I was immediately attacked by Pinkie Pie. The battle we fought would be talked about in the halls of Valhalla for eons to come, we-
"I give up! Be gentle, I beg of you!" I screamed as the pink demon wrapped me in a spine-splitting hug.
"Okey dokey." And she let go of me, simple as that.
"Umm. Can I have a chocolate chip muffin or something?" I was sill on the floor looking up at the overly cheery mare.
One unnecessary and unrelated song about cupcakes and a short conversation later, and I was happily eating my muffin of choco-goodness outside of Sugarcube Corner, watching Twilight hopelessly try and find me in the crowd.
Once she was hyperventilating and talking to herself, I walked over to her and she calmed down.
"Where were you!?" She all but shrieked.
"Going to the loo." I automatically answered.
"The what?"
"The loo. You know... The porcelain throne? The Log Eater? The shitter? The-"
"I get it! I get it. Now quiet down, ponies are looking at us weirdly."
"Fine. Who's next on the hit list."
"That would be... Roseluck and her sisters! They are rather timid, so don't do anything threatening."
---
Many, many boring meetings later and we finally got to someone interesting.
"Next up is *yawn* Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody. Two of the top musicians in town."
"MORE musicians? Twilight, at least three quarters of the people in this town can play an instrument at a professional level!"
The purple alicorn stopped and looked at me rather quizzically. "Why is that odd to you? Do your people not value music much?"
"I'm pretty sure that the economy values music quite a lot. There just aren't enough dedicated people I guess." I sighed. "You know I wanted to play guitar when I was a teenager. My dad tried to teach me as well. He was cool like that, but I just couldn't play. I can, however, sing pretty well."
"For your information, music is a core part of Equestrian culture. For example: I can actually play the violin, my brother can play drums, while Spike is the only known dragon to play piano skillfully."
"What, because they'd crush the piano? Or because you've never seen one play it before?"
"I don't know, John." After a brief pause of conversation, she added, "You know, you have a habit of asking awkward and difficult questions."
"Is it a bad habit?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"No... I guess not. Someone has to ask the hard questions, I'm just normally the one asking. Ah! There's their house." We were approaching a wide bungalow that had been half-painted twin shades of blue, right down to the middle of the door, I just passed it off as some kind design feature. "Hopefully this doesn't turn out as bad as it did with the Rich family..." my equine companion winced at the memory.
"As long as they don't actually like vapid cunts for no reason, we should be alright." Twilight didn't even flinch, she's that used to my cursing. The Stallion, Filthy Rich seemed okay, but his wife had a stick shoved so far up her ass you could probably see it in her mouth.
Twilight made to the knock at the door, but I stayed her hoof. "No, Sparks. I am the one who knocks." And I knocked twice.
"Coming!" Was shouted through the door in one of those upper class accents everyone assumes is 'THE' British accent. What followed sounded like a full drum kit falling over, and a feminine yelp. "Vinyl, Could you be a dear and grab the door please!"
Twi and I looked between each other and shrugged. There was a small 'krchnk' of a door unlocking and we were bathed in light from the inside.
"Hi Vinyl." Twilight greeted.
"Su' Dude." I memed.
She nodded with a smile, then opened the door further so we could walk inside. The inside was split in half much like the exterior. On the left side, was a bunch of modern looking tech for DJing. I just passed it off as this world being dumb. On the right side was a small orchestra: String instruments, percussion, etcetera.
The white mare, Vinyl went behind her equipment and through a door, flipping a sign on the front to 'Don't wake me up 'til morning.'
Walking over to the other side of the room, I narrowed my eyes. "Why would she abbreviate her writing?"
From behind me, the same Pseudo-accented mare spoke up. "She's lazy. Oh, Princess Twilight! To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Well Octavia, I'm actually showing John-"
"Would you like a cup of tea?" That's strike one on the English stereotype checklist.
"Yes please, now as I was saying I've come to show John around Ponyville. You two were the next stop-" Blah blah blah boring drivel that I can't be bothered to write.
While Twilight was giving a lecture on the necessities of knowing each others friends, I was inspecting Vinyl's equipment. It seemed pretty decent in all honesty, the same kind of stuff you'd find back in 2015.
That's when I left if I haven't written it down before.
It's been three fucking months now.
Three months without taxes or news of some new ISIS cell shooting up Europeans. Three months without any bullshit following me here. At least I didn't have to put up with that.
It's also been three months since I've seen my family. Or what's left of it, in any case. Thankfully, next week can't come any quicker for me.
"Well, look at the time, we should get back to the castle. It's been nice talking to you Octavia." Twilight said, moving to the door.
"Yeah, see ya." I huffed, eager to get back.
And we were back out into the country, it only took a few feet before we were assailed by an unruly gust of wind, the cold making Sparklebutt shiver.
"Twilight, something just occurred to me."
"Yes?" She queried.
"Why didn't we teleport around town instead of walking there?"
It took a few seconds for the alicorn to digest that information before I was suddenly teleported into the castle. Unlike before, I was somewhat ready for the teleport and landed on my feet, stumbling.
"Unicorns abuse the shit out of magic. I mean, what if one day you lose your horn? You'll be rightly fucked then won't you?"
"I'd prefer not to think about that. Feel free to have a look around town yourself while I reorganize the library." I made to follow her in, "and that means no reading spell books until I'm done." I visibly sagged.
"Well what am I supposed to do?"
"I'm sure you'll figure something out John." The best princess closed the door behind her. Yes Celestia/Luna/Cadence I just said Twilight was better than you. Fight me.
----
There's absolutely nothing to do in this castle.
I can't even torment Spike because he's gone off with his pseudo-girlfriend to do whatever he does with her. There was nothing to do in town either, since everyone had pretty much shut all their stores and I can't find a pub or anything.
So I decided to go into the Everfree. From what I gathered from Twilight, it's got some cool shit in it. A castle, the Elements of Harmony in jewel form and some blue flowers that prank you. Thankfully, there was a road into it, probably carved from when the castle was occupied.
As I moved further inside, the path started getting grassy, up to the point where you had to start looking good for bare patches where wild flowers, weeds and nettles hadn't touched yet. I got stuno once or twice on the way through, but thankfully dock leaves still growing around them this far in the future. One thing I didn't expect was to see a zebra version of a pony. She (you can determine sex in ponies and equines here with their muzzle shape) waved at me before trotting up to a cabin, one that was hidden in the shroud of low hanging branches.
After spending who knows how long wandering the fairly monotonous path of the Everfree, I turned back and saw I was being followed. A pair of glowing green orbs were visible through some shrubberies at the edge of the treeline.
'Timberwolves. They aren't fireproof.' Lavan answered.
"Thanks Jarvis."
'Fuck you, dude.'
Putting my attention back on the wooden wolf, I realised something.
"Don't wolves hunt in packs?" Turning my head to the left, I saw another pair of eery green eyes.
Clever girl.
My hand was in my aggressor's face with a fireball spell charged before you could say 'firewood'. The Wolf shrieked and howled, running off into the forest like it was on fi- you get the picture.
I looked back to see the other timber Wolf hadn't moved, and was still staring unblinkingly into my soul. With a snort, it moved out slowly, trying to keep me on guard.
My first mistake was believing this one was now on its own, and before I knew it, three other timber wolves were behind me, one grabbing each of my arms and the third was attempting to savage my back.
I growled in pain and saw the fourth leap at me. I quickly fired off a teleportation spell, putting distance between the pack and me. My arms had been badly bitten, and would most likely become infected if left untreated, so I Scooby doo'd the fuck away from them. I quickly found the pain in my left arm was too much so I was restricted to one spell at a time.
(Note: Humans are capable of using two spells at a time, so a large magic pool to draw from is useful. God I need to document the shit out of these findings.)
Anyway, back to the story. I wasn't running out of energy too soon, but the pack was on my scent now, and would relentlessly chase me until I got close to Ponyville again. The wolves were closing in on me again, and soon one ofor them was on each side of me; one was also behind me.
they're trying to herd me, probably into a more favourable position.
The fourth wolf, not having picked a point to stop me from, kept pace with the other three as I ran past the zebra's shack. About two hundred metres away from the edge of the forest, I could see the open fields ahead, but another four Timberwolves burst out from the bushes rush8 get me as the other three ttied tackling me, barely missing me. In a hazel of fear, I drew on what was probably the most powerful spell I knew at the time.
Arcane detonation.
It looks as cool as it sounds too, it takes a good chunk out of your reserves, but it's fucking worth it.
As I cast it, my hands became bathed in fire, coiling up my arms and onto my chest as I let go of a spell, roughly equivalent to a stick of dynamite going off.
A few innocent trees that were too close to the casting point had their roots torn from the ground, and had fallen over because of the shockwave. The grass surrounding me was completely burned away, leaving all of the path clear of foliage and reduced to barren earth while the dirt beneath me had been scorched black. Any bushes or other nearby foliage had been set on fire, or were now piles of sticks and ash. Of the Timberwolves, there was nothing to be found.
Just the way I like it.
As I surveyed the area, Lavan made his opinion known: 'Christ Almighty, did that spell come out of your ass? it smells like you shat yourself here.'.
I groaned, "For fuck's sake man! I was having a moment there. Also: Christ? I haven't even told you that humans had religion."
I have access to your memories. And F.Y.I it slipped out, okay!?'
"We're out of the forest now, so shut up; I don't want to look like some kind of mad man talking to the voice in my head." I scolded him, leaving behind the rank-smelling blast radius.
----
On the cobble road into Ponyville, I cauterised the wounds made by the wooden teeth that had pierced my arms as Lavan set to work at burning away any splinters.
You have no idea how useful it is to turn your insides to 200°C on command with no repercussions. A terminal disease infects you? Burn it out. Want to breath fire? Get a mouthful of alcohol then spray it out as you turn up the heat. And as I found out much later, it glitches the shit out of infrared optics.
That's a story for another time though.
By the time I was at the castle again, the moon was up high in the sky. Tinted blue light shone onto the crystal of the tree, reflecting beautifully onto the ground, as if the light was paving a path of diamonds to its front door.
I gently swept through the door, making sure to keep the volume to a minimum, as not to wake Spike and Twilight. Tiptoeing my way around the circular table that was surrounded by thrones, I heard a light spell trigger behind me.
Frozen in place, I turned my head to the rather agitated purple alicorn. "Uh..." I began, unable to find the words I was looking for.
Twilight's eyes narrowed, "John. Would you mind telling me what you were doing in the Everfree?"
Behind my back, I was readying a teleport spell, in case Twi went murder mode. "I was wondering about the kinds of wild flora I might find in the area."
"Mmhm. And why didn't you check the library for such a book?"
"You said I couldn't use it while you were cleaning." I threw back.
"Well, even so, could you explain to me why a high level destruction spell went off in the area?"
"Well, I think it might just have been one of those Ursa Majors farting. But that's just me."
Twilight almost laughed, giving up the serious demeanour she started the conversation with. "Well, I guess that case is closed then. We should really get to bed now, I mean we only have one day left until you go home. You should really make sure your sleep schedule is on time." Sparklebutt reminded me as she walked up to the second floor of the castle.
I let out a sigh of relief, as my secret hadn't been uncovered.
Twilight popped her head back around the corner once again, "Oh, and you're in trouble tomorrow mister. I know you know that spell, the spell book it was in had the page folded over it."
Shit.
'To be honest, I'm starting to believe that it was fate that I ended up absorbing into you. Both of us cause trouble for the princesses, both of us like explosions, both of us like asses and plots.'
Lavan, I'm pretty sure two out of three of those are just guy things.
Lavan took a second to think about it, 'Oh. So they are.' The spirit paused for a moment, 'Hey, wanna see something cool?'
Sure. Lavan pulled an upper body made of Lava out of my chest.
"Lavan?"
This time, Lavan actually talked, the volcanic body that had appeared out of my chest moving it's own mouth "Suprise Motherfucker."
"Lavan. If you don't go back inside or jump out right now, I'm gonna freak out."
He huffed indignantly, "Fine." And back into my body he went.
"So how come you can't get out of me?" I asked, wondering why he didn't just jump out.
'The bond I have with you is... Well the closest analogy is 'symbiotic' but that word is slightly too broad to be used in this case.'
Remind me to continue this conversation in the future.
'I will.' Lavan confirmed as I headed up to the room.
Quickly I got undressed, wrote up today's entry then retired to my bed.
----
"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of part of our family." My uncle Alan said, as we stood in the rain around four coffins. "A week ago, we lost Lucy, her husband and their children. Today we lay them to rest." He breathed, trying to reign in his emotions on the matter.
As all this took place, I stood next to my father and mother as he comforted her while she sobbed into his neck.
"Your dreams are solemn, John the Human." Luna stated from my right. A sudden clarity took my mind, and the dream seemed to lose the fuzziness where my subconscious filled the gaps.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as the attending group turned to look at her.
"Strange, your dreams seem more defensive than most." She waved her hoof and the figments vanished, leaving us in the graveyard alone, aside from the four coffins ahead of us. "Now let us continue to the matter at hand. You must atone for your mistakes in your conduct with Celestia and I. As such, I will be expecting you in Canterlot tomorrow."
"Stay out of my dreams Luna."
"I am Princess of the Night, Caretaker of Dreams! It is my right to enter your subconscious without being penalised!"
"And it is my right to tell you to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" The dream shook, cracks appearing on the ground as storm clouds rolled in.
"Fine, it is always customary to grant and ask for 'solids' as I have been told on many occasions by Loyalty on many occasions, especially before she and Laughter raid the royal kitchens... So I shall grabbed the you one: From now on, I shall endeavour to stay out of your dreams unless necessary."
The cracks in the ground started to glow red, as if Lava was just below the surface, "Wow, since when did Loony become a diplomat? I thought she was more of the 'attempt a couple then leave her sister mourning for centuries' kinda mare."
"Ah, Lavan. Sister had explained your situation to me after she found out. Trapped in a mortal? How the mighty have fallen."
"Bitch please, 'The mighty have fallen'? Says the one who spent last summer as a filly with no magical power whatsoever."
"Ladies! And Luna. Get on with what you were saying." I interjected, steering away from the argument.
She huffed, sending one last nasty look into the glowing red ground Lavan was seeping through."You should wake up soon. Return to Canterlot on the morrow." She reminded me, opening up a or talk intof an indescribable vastness. "And John." She looked me in the eye pitifully. "Do not blame yourself for what you could not have known." With that she disappeared into the void leaving me alone with the dead.
----
Morning came far too quickly. After taking my time messing around and and stumbling down the awkwardly sized staircase, one that was obviously not meant for humans, a whiff of breakfast hit my nostrils.
"Pancakes?" I muttered. Shouting this time, I called out. "Spike! You making pancakes?"
A second later, Spike gave his reply, "Yeah dude! Twilight seemed really cranky last night, so I thought I'd cheer her up." I followed Spike's voice through the open door into the kitchen, where the smell intensified.
Spike was holding a pan over the stove, flipping the aforementioned pancakes every so often. Internally, I debated about whether I should get an early start to the morning, or stay and eat.
It was a shortlived argument. I placed myself on the kindness throne on the mapped table near the door, putting my feet up and squashing the Crystal Empire. After a while, a ragged Twilight joined me at the table, eyes drooping and partially covered by a messy mane.
"Morning." I yawned, trying to shake off some of the drowsiness.Twilight mumbled something incomprehensible and plopped herself down on her own throne as Spike came out with three plates of pancakes and served them around, taking a seat next to Twilight.
As soon as Twilight are some of the pancakes, she just seemed to straighten out. It was creepy as fuck in all Honesty. After the lovely breakfast, I informed Twilight of Luna's commando and asked whether I could slack off and get out of it.
"You're a guard captain now, so you have no way of getting out of it." Twilight suddenly gained a curious look, "Why is it you and Luna are so abrasive to each other?"
"Silly reasons, Twi. Can I get bits for the tickets?"
----
Canterlot castle...
'Stop screwing around or I'll make you get in there.'
I shrugged and began my stroll into the throne room, where I guessed Luna was waiting. Walking down the suprisingly barren hallway, I felt as if I was being watched, possibly even preyed on. Then suddenly...
"Gotcha!" Moon whispered from behind me.
I had enough time to turn around before she leapt at me, wings curling around my back and shoulders as she aimed for my face.
Her lips were on mine.
'You know, I've never actually gotten lucky with a Thestral before...'
mmhm...
"Ah! Human John, I see you and my captain are getting along well." Luna glared at her lightly. "Come, the matter requires some level of secrecy." She teleported all three of us and tapped Moonflower on the shoulder, motioning for her to leave.
As the door shut behind the bat pony, Luna began talking. "Moonflower has already been briefed on the situation, so she shall stand guard while we converse."
"Oh. What's the problem then?" I asked.
"I assume you know what a necromancer is, yes?"