A Response to my Concerned Citizen
Dear Apple of Jacks. I thank thee greatly for having brought this tragedy to our attention, our, referring to dear sister Luna as well. Or, rather it would, if her continence were as hearty as that of my own. As it stands she is currently unconscious upon the observatory floor, do not be alarmed the temporary black hole has been dealt with.
The poor filly never could hold her, confections, ever less so since her return. I fear that thousand year stint in the moon did her fortitude no favors.
Turning from the situation of Luna’s overzealous consumption of my latest, ‘special order,’ however, I would like to personally assure you that steps are being taken to ensure Equestria's safety.
The first of such steps involves the Retuerta Galope. Being the river serving as a natural border between our great nation and, umm… That place with the salsa? Paloxico? No, wait, that’s Calexico, my favorite band.
Funny story behind that, you know I actually met the band once? Back stage and everything, had a little helping of, conjunto with Convertino if you catch my meaning… We all went down to the river after that, had a fantastic barbeque. Never could get them to tell me what was in that, “Hamburger.” They just kept giggling. Could really go for some queso right now.
Buck me I’m hungry…
I can handle that!
Shut up Patches! You're confusing the quill!
Apple Butter these brownies are the best yet cake. Cake
As for the river, seeing as I’m clearly the only pony in a sensible state of mind at the moment; again, Luna is inebriated beyond consciousness. I have thus decided the river shall be infested with Cragodiles, as many as the school children can entrap tonight.
And concerning the postal service, do not fret, for I have just this hour signed an arrest warrant for one Derpy Hooves. News of her near homicidal behavior and under hoofed attempts at sabotaging my perfect mailing system has not gone unheeded!
You may rest easy, Jacquelyn Apple Slice delicious seed toffee chocolate pickle ice-cream fudge cake. Cake cake caaakkkeeee your Price of cakecess is on the job!
Now if you would excuse me, Discord has run off with the plate… Something about, me gustah?
Sincerely yours, Princess Mo Celestia.
P.S. I have no idea as to what poor Luna was speaking of, but she insists that you invent Doritos at once.