Mike: There's "in over your head," there's "in deep shit," and then there's what happens when an entire town is depending on you to apply skills you've never learned in a world you've barely even heard of before.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Learning to Fly
I blinked at the little purple dragon. "Run that by me again?"
"I said, the mayor wants to know when you're going to do something about this storm! Geez, Dash, how hard did you hit your head?"
"Um," I said. I'd like to blame the concussion for my confusion. Of course a land with magical talking ponies would have some sort of magic system in place to deal with weather. That didn't change the fact that I had no idea what the system was, mind you. Obviously, however, Rainbow Dash was responsible for the local weather. And there was no way I could fulfill that responsibility, particularly not when I was laid up like this.
"Um," I said again.
"Oh dear," Fluttershy put in. "Spike, I'm afraid Rainbow Dash won't be able to fulfill her responsibilities today." She stared out the window in thought for a moment. "Spike, would you be so kind and go let Ditzy Doo know that Rainbow Dash isn't feeling quite herself today, and would she pretty please with muffins on top fill in for a day or two?"
Spike snapped an adorable little salute. "On it, Fluttershy," he said, and headed back to the door, before pausing. "Um... do you know where she is?"
Fluttershy frowned, shaking her head. "Oh... oh, my," she said. "I don't... I'm terribly sorry, Spike."
"What's the matter?" I hadn't seen Twilight enter the room, and turning to face her as she joined the conversation was a huge mistake. The nausea didn't return, but the headache sure did.
"Oh, dear, Twilight," Fluttershy said, "there's a big, nasty storm forming and it's not on the schedule, and since Rainbow Dash can't take care of it--"
"She'd better not," Twilight said, glaring at me.
"Did we forget a minor detail here, Miss Sparkle?" I interjected.
"Oh... Oh yeah. Mike, right." Twilight had the decency to look embarrassed that she'd apparently forgotten the biggest flaw in the "Rainbow Dash fixes things" plan.
"Oh, my, I hate to interrupt," Fluttershy piped in, "but I was just saying that Ditzy Doo is Rainbow Dash's second this week, and that she needed to be told about--"
"Concussion," I said, forestalling any talk about Invasion of the Pony-Snatchers-style mind-swaps.
"Right," Twilight Sparkle said, apparently agreeing with me. "Hmm. Spike, try the school," she said. "I think they'll be letting out about now, and--"
Spike grinned. "Ditzy Doo would never leave Dinky hangin'. You got it, Twi!" With that, and another salute, he was out the door in a blur.
I heaved a sigh of relief. "That was a close one," I said.
"No kidding," Twilight agreed. "I love Spike like a brother, but the last thing we need is for him to start telling ponies about what happened to you and Rainbow Dash. It would be a disaster!"
I grinned. "It would be bad," I acknowledged, "but a disaster?"
Twilight Sparkle nodded. "Rioting in the streets, torches and pitchforks... It would turn a relatively minor problem into an enormously huge entire-town-in-total-chaos Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem."
I gasped. "You're exaggerating," I accused.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Fluttershy said, "but she isn't. Ponyville is a relatively peaceful town, but..." She frowned, apparently not sure how to continue without speaking ill of an entire town full of ponies.
Twilight came to the rescue. "It's practically proven: nopony panics like a Ponyville pony."
I frowned. "You did that on purpose," I accused.
Twilight grinned. "Alliterations are awesome and always appropriate," she replied.
I groaned. "So, I guess that's one problem solved," I said. "Really, though, is it all right, trusting something that important to someone named Ditzy Doo?"
Twilight was in my face in a heartbeat. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with Ditzy," she snapped. "Honestly, I'm ashamed of you, making fun of a pony like that. What's wrong with you, Rainbow Dash?"
I frowned. "Um." I seemed to be saying that a lot, actually.
"Oh. Right," Twilight Sparkle said. "You don't know. Sorry." She took a step back. "Ditzy Doo is the town's deliverypony," she explained. "Mostly, she's a wonderful pony. But she can be a bit scatterbrained at times. And she's got an... eye... thing."
I frowned. "An eye thing?"
"If you must know," Twilight explained, "she suffers from an intermittent strabismic amblyopia in both eyes. It can mess with her depth perception and directional sense at times."
I frowned. "That... you can't have two lazy eyes. It's just not possible."
Twilight blinked. "It's really weird that you understood that. Really."
"Medical student," I said. "But that doesn't change the fact that what you said is just plain not possible."
Twilight frowned and rolled her eyes. "Well, we don't know it's in both eyes. It's intermittent. It really doesn't make sense, but it's part of who she is. Some ponies even call her 'Derpy' because of it."
"Hey, new pony here. Why are you glaring at me?"
"Right, right. You're not Rainbow Dash. It's... really hard to remember that sometimes."
"Well, with any luck, you won't have to remember it for long."
Twilight rubbed the back of her neck, looking everywhere but at me. "About that," she said.
"You're not giving up, are you?"
"No..."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I've got all of one book on interdimensional travel," she said. "And I don't think it'll help." With that, a book floated out in front of me. I went cross-eyed trying to make out the language in the book.
"I... I hope you can read this, because I'm at a total loss," I said.
"It's a personal journal of Star Swirl the Bearded," she said, "from around the time of the first Hearth's Warming. It's written in Old Equestrian, but that's not the problem."
"What's the problem?"
"I don't suppose your world is flat?"
"No... no, it's round. It has to be round, gravity is a function of mass. During the planet's formation, when it was all molten, it would naturally become roughly spherical. This is all pretty basic physics, you know."
"Well, yes, but this journal is all about how Star Swirl the Bearded ended up on a flat world on the backs of four elephants, themselves--"
"--on the back of a giant turtle?" I interrupted.
"Well, yes." She grinned awkwardly. "Fascinating reading, but unless you want to go there..."
Images of the sorts of horrible things I'd read about in a series about that very world -- funny when they're happening to fictional characters, not so funny when they're happening to you and those around you -- flashed through my head. "I don't," I said. "I can't imagine anyone sane would."
Twilight looked hurt for a moment, but she recovered like a champ. "Right," she said. "Okay, new plan."
"We had a plan?"
"New pre-planning stage of the plan, then: I write to Princess Celestia for help. You sit here and read or something while you recover. Fluttershy!"
"Eep! I mean yes?"
"Go send Spike back here, and see if Ditzy Doo needs help."
Fluttershy snapped off a(n adorable) salute and headed for the door.
* * * * *
"Twiliiiiight?"
"WHAT?!"
"Have you heard back yet?"
"It's been five minutes, Rainb-- I mean Mike."
"But I'm booooored."
"What, sick of reading already? I thought you were a student?"
"There's more to life than studying, Twilight."
"Bite your tongue, mare!"
...
"I'b thtill boooooweed."
* * * * *
23 - Patient complains of violent caudal spasms. Symptoms began with no prior warning. Recommend treatment.
I scratched my head, staring at the question. I felt like Damocles, the moment he realized that maybe the life of a king wasn't all he'd thought it might be. I looked around the room. All of the other ponies were finishing their exams and turning them in.
Caudal spasms... caudal spasms... I racked my brain. Caudal spasms meant something.... I remembered something about the cause being something... The sword hung above me, spinning, putting tension on the single hair holding it in place. When had that gotten there? Why was the hair so pink? Was that a hint?
"Mike?" The professor leaned in, grinning at my discomfort. I'd always hated Professor D, with his beady yellow eyes, his honestly evil-looking goatee, and that tooth of his. He seemed to take real delight in raking his students over the coals... sometimes literally.
"I've got this," I muttered. Caudal spasms. What did that mean again?
"Mike!"
I glared at the professor. "I said I've got this!" As I shouted at him, my chair overturned, and the pink hair snapped, releasing the sword above me.
"MIKE!"
I hit the floor hard, then put my hooves over my head. "LOOK OUT FOR THE SWORD!"
When it failed to hit me, I risked a look around. I was... right, I was in Twilight Sparkle's library. There was no sword. There was no Professor D, just my mental image of that Discord thing the ponies had told me about. The test had been a dream, of course. And Spike was there, cowering under an end table. As I slowly got to my hooves, working the kinks out of my legs and... other legs... he risked sticking his head out. "What sword?"
I shook my head. "Nevermind," I said. "Stupid dreams, stupid classical literature."
Spike climbed out from under the table. "So, uh," he said. "We haven't met, apparently?"
I grinned. "Right. Spike. You were there when I woke up," I said as the realization hit me. "I guess you left before I dropped the big drama bomb. Yeah, I'm Mike. Mike Davis." I extended a hoof, wondering if that was even the right protocol.
To my relief, Spike grasped the hoof and shook vigorously with both hands. Claws. Whatever. "Nice to meet you," he said, then giggled. "This is really weird."
"As weird as this is for you," I said, "this has been incredibly weird for me."
"I can imagine," Spike said.
"With all due respect, you can't."
"Try me."
"Okay... where I'm from, there's no such thing as unicorns or pegasi, ponies don't come in quite so many colors, and they don't talk."
"That's... pretty weird."
"There's no such thing as magic," I continued.
"How do you get anything done?"
"And I'm supposed to be male."
"Yeah, okay, that's probably the weirdest thing you've said."
I chuckled. "Maybe, but the talking pastel ponies is probably the weirdest part of the whole experience."
Spike shrugged. "I guess," he said. "Bu--" He hiccuped, then covered his mouth.
"You okay?"
Suddenly, he belched, and a small green flame came out of his mouth in a tightening spiral, coalescing into a ribbon-wrapped scroll.
"What the heck is...?" I poked the scroll with a hoof just as it fell to the ground.
"It's from Princess Celestia!" Twilight Sparkle's voice, immediately over my shoulder, was a shock. While I attempted to recover my dignity - in my defense, I technically was female, which affected the tone of my scream - she read the letter aloud.
"My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
"While I cannot think of anything off-hoof that resembles the situation you've described, it certainly does bear investigation. The Royal Archives are very much at your disposal. I have left word for them to expect you.
"Sincerely,
"Princess Celestia of Equestria
"P.S.: Please tell your new friend he should take advantage of the time he is here to learn something about Equestria, and about the Magic of Friendship. Hopefully, Rainbow Dash is learning something where she is, because I expect Friendship Reports from both of them."
As Twilight ran around the library, frantically packing her saddlebags, I tried to get her attention. "Twili--"
"Oh my goodness, I'm going to need extra quills!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "I think they've got plenty in Canterlot, Twi."
"Twili--"
"Oh, my, maybe I should bring some more scrolls?"
"TWILIGHT!"
She screeched to a halt in front of me. "Um. Yes?"
"What is a Friendship Report and what am I supposed to do while you're gone?"
"A Friendship Report? Oh, remember when I told you that my job while I'm here in Ponyville is to study the Magic of Friendship?"
"I don't think I could forget something that..." I struggled for a less-insulting word than "cheesy." "...interesting."
"Well, whenever my friends or I learn something new about it, we have to write Princess Celestia and tell her what we've learned. I've got a bunch of my old reports filed away over there." She pointed to a set of cubbyholes by one of the bookshelves.
"Okay... I guess I could read those while you're in Canterlot."
Spike grinned. "I know what I'd do if I was in Rainbow Dash's body for a day," he said.
"What's that?"
"Same thing she'd do!"
Twilight frowned. "Take a nap?"
Spike rolled his eyes -- his ocular muscles were getting a workout today. "No, the other thing she does every day."
"Oh... that's a great idea, Spike!" She pulled him in for a hug, and I felt my blood sugar skyrocket. Seriously, guys, pony hugs are too sweet to be legal. "I'm sure Mike would love to go flying!"
I had a horrifying flashback to how I'd ended up in Twilight Sparkle's care in the first place. While Spike tried to coax me out from under the end table he'd recently been hiding under, Twilight finished packing.
"Come on, Mike," Spike said. "It's not like she crashes every day."
"Not helping!"
Twilight started to say something, but there was a knock at the door. "Oh, that must be my ride. Spike, why don't you see if Fluttershy can help?"
"Good idea, Twilight!"
"Bad idea. Bad! I'll just be keeping these hooves on the ground, that's what I'll do."
Twilight rolled her eyes, grabbed her saddlebags and left me alone with a small purple dragon who was clearly trying to make my death look like an accident.
* * * * *
"There's just one thing I don't understand," I said to Fluttershy.
"Oh... did I not explain takeoff properly?"
"No, not that."
"Oh... then maybe you need some pointers on landing?"
"No, that seemed clear enough."
"Oh, dear. I'm sorry, I don't know what the problem is."
I waved a hoof at the scene in front of me. "I just don't understand how running off a cliff is conducive to keeping my hooves on the ground."
Fluttershy blinked. "But Spike said you wanted to learn how to fly," she said.
"Spike," I said, "lied. Spike said that if he was me, he'd want to fly. And then Twilight thought that would be a wonderful idea. And now here we are."
"So... you don't want to fly?"
"Well..."
"Don't get me wrong, a lot of pegasi prefer to stay on the ground. Well, a few. Well, one."
"Oh?"
"But it seems like such a shame."
"How so?"
"Well, Rainbow Dash is such a wonderfully good flier. If I was as good a flier as Rainbow Dash, I'd probably fly a lot more than I do."
"Really?"
"Well... no. I'm... I..."
"What is it?"
"I'mafraidofheights." This last was said so softly and at such a high pitch that I almost didn't realize she'd done more than just squeak.
I wanted to commiserate with my fellow acrophobe, but just as I opened my mouth, the following things became apparent to me:
First, there was this sort of buzzing sound coming from behind me. Then, also from behind me, a voice shouted "look out!" That's when the collision happened. I tried to figure out what was happening, and only had time to realize that I was riding an out-of-control scooter down the hill towards the very cliff that Fluttershy had suggested I throw myself off of. There was a weight on my back that a quick glance revealed to be a young (or at least small) orange pony with light purple hair sticking out from under a purple safety helmet.
"Rainbow Dash?"
"Um, hi?"
"LOOK OUT!"
We went over the cliff before I could react. Reflexively, Rainbow Dash's body spread its wings, and instead of plummeting to our doom, myself and the filly soared past the cliff. The scooter, sadly, did not stay with us, and fell to its doom while we soared on.
"Awwww, my scooter!"
"Sorry about that, kiddo," I said, although I had no idea how I would have held on to it. Suddenly, I remembered the liberating feeling I'd had just before things went sour when I first arrived in this world (and this body). "Hey, hang on tight, okay?"
The filly wrapped her hooves around my neck just tight enough to keep her in place, and I dove to pick up speed. As the wind rushed through our manes, I realized that my pinfeathers were telling me things about the air around me. A crosswind was pushing us to one side, so I banked and rode it around towards town.
"Wheee! This is awesome! Do a loop! Do a loop!"
I grinned back at my passenger, then arched my back, wings beating for all I was worth to maintain our speed as I did a loop-the-loop. Okay, I thought, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea. "Up for a corkscrew, kiddo?"
"Am I?"
Muscle memory is a wonderful thing. No sooner had I decided to pull the stunt than Rainbow Dash's body started going through the motions. After the third loop, I curved back around towards the cliff, where Fluttershy was jumping up and down and waving her hooves excitedly. "Let's go see what she wants."
I tried to remember everything she'd said about landings, and that's when things started to go south again. My wings wouldn't do what I told them to, and we were coming in fast and too low.
"Oh, this is gonna hurt," I muttered.
"Rainbow Dash, look out for the cliff!"
Oh crap, I've got a passenger! I struggled to pull up, focusing more on the what than the how, and Rainbow Dash's reflexes took over. The sharp turn bled off speed, and I was able to land without incident, thank goodness.
My passenger jumped to the ground, practically vibrating with terror. Fluttershy rushed up to her.
"Are you all right, Scootaloo?" Another name for me to file away for future reference.
"That. Was. AWESOME!"
I grinned. What I'd taken for terror, it turns out, was just excitement. "Pretty cool, huh, kiddo?"
"You know it!"
"Sorry about your scooter, though..."
Fluttershy grinned. "Actually, I was able to catch it before it hit the ground."
"Wow," I said. "You go, Fluttershy! Get down with your bad self!"
"Woo-hoo," she said, then blushed and hid behind her own mane.
I looked over at Scootaloo, who'd already mounted her scooter. Taking in her wings, I grinned at her. "We should go flying together sometime," I said.
She stared at me for a moment, then frowned, pushed off with her scooter, and began flapping her wings. "Yeah," she said unenthusiastically. "Sure."
I blinked at Fluttershy. "Did... did I say something wrong?"