Jack Stone sits in a chair in Twilight's Castle. She goes over her checklist on her clipboard before addressing Jack.
"Ok Jack, now I'm just going to run a few tests on you...please put your pants back on."
Jack, "Oh...when you said you were going to test my special abilities I just kinda assumed-"
"Please just put your pants back on." says Twilight with a completely natural tone.
Twilight sets down her clipboard and trots over to Jack excitedly.
"Ok now just relax,. First I'm going to study your aviators."
Twilight pulls off his aviators and stares at him confused. "That's...that's weird..."
Jack Stone cocks an eyebrow. "What?"
Twilight stares at him in bewilderment. "I...I removed them but there's just...instantly another pair underneath...like I ...don't even see...how..."
Twilight pulls pair after pair off Jack's face. After a few minutes, there's a pile of aviators.
Twilight stands there dumbstruck. "I...I don't understand..."
Twilight looks behind her nervously as Pinkie Pie picks up a pair of aviators.
"Nopony move!" cries Pinkie dramatically, sticking her hooves out to the sides as she balances on her hind legs. "I'm about to science!"
Pinkie slowly puts on the aviators and stands there quietly.
After a few seconds Twilight gets concerned. "Are...are you feeling ok?"
Pinkie sighs, "Yeah...nothing cool happened. I feel like investigating something though."
Jack gets up excitedly. "Then let's go solve a crime!"
Jack runs over and highfives Pinkie. Twilight stares at both of them with worry. "Wait you can't just go solve crimes! You need special training for it! What if somepony gets hurt?!"
Jack scoffs. "Um...I have a badge?"
Twilight narrows her eyes. "Yes but Pinkie doesn't."
Jack shrugs. "Naw it's cool, I got extras in the car."
Twilight stares at him confused, "Wait...why do you have extras? Aren't you only suppose to have one? And what if somepony gets their hands on them? They could pretend to be a cop and cause a lot of damage!" she says with concern.
Pinkie Pie rubs her chin, "Hmmm...let me answer that with a simple scene change."
Pinkie Pie and Jack drive up to a local diner. Pinkie is still wearing Jack's aviators.
Pinkie turns to Jack. "Ok remember the plan."
Jack "What plan?"
Pinkie "Exactly."
Jack nods and the pair exit the vehicle and walk into the diner. Several patrons wave at Pinkie; she blatantly ignores them.
Pinkie glances around the diner and spots a couple near a back booth. Two colts, one brown with a tan mane, the other white with a black mane, are eating salads. Pinkie Pie and Jack walk up to the couple.
She gets on her hind legs and slams her front hooves down on the table. The two glasses and dishes shake a few times. "We have evidence that you were at Granny Smith's place the night of the robbery. We have your fingerprints on the stolen goods, and you got no alibi. Give us the confession, and we'll go easy on you."
The colts stare at eachother then back to Pinkie Pie. The brown colt speaks up nervously.
"Wh...what are you talking about?"
Jack Stone walks up and flips over their table. "Don't play coy with us! What's wrong, was old Mrs.Timberline not good enough for you?!"
The white colt is the next to speak. "Ok seriously we have literally no idea what you're talking about..."
Jack glares at them. "Literally?! Don't you talk about stories to me, criminal!"
Pinkie slowly turns and looks at Jack, before returning to the two colts.
Pinkie Pie grins. "That's what I thought. Book 'em." she says, pointing an angry hoof at the colts.
Several police cruisers skid to a stop at the restaurant. Every pony inside is taken in handcuffs and put into the back of a cruiser. Pinkie Pie and Jack stand at the colts table still, with triumphant grins on their faces.
Pinkie looks down at a candybar wrapper.
"Jack look! A clue!"
Pinkie and Jack stand over the wrapper. She picks it up with her hoof, despite not having fingers.
Pinkie raises a suspicious eyebrow, "Mars Chocolate bar. Mars is a planet. Planets have cycles. Cycling is a...sport..."
Pinkie thinks for a moment before her eyes bulge with realization...and a dash of crazy, "To the gym!"
Pinkie and Jack pull up to Hoofing It, a renown gym. Jack pulls off the steering wheel, revealing the shotgun. He pulls it out, leans back, and shoves it down his pants. Pinkie looks over at him, with a completely straight face. Jack looks back at her and shrugs. “It’s in case things get bad.” Pinkie nods slowly a few times.
As they get out of the car, Jack has to keep one leg straight and walks awkwardly up to the gym. The pair enter through the double glass doors. A mare with pink fur and a blue mane walks past them. Jack glares at her.
"We're on to you punk!" Jack says threateningly.
Pinkie glares at her as well. "You're gonna pay for what you did to those children!"
The mare stops and stares at them, before nervously trotting away.
Pinkie and Jack walk up to the counter. The cashier is turned around, going through files. Pinkie Pie clears her throat loudly. The cashier doesn't move. Pinkie clears her throat as loud as she can, but the employee still does nothing. Jack pulls out his shotgun from his pants and casually fires a round into the ceiling. The employee screams and turns around in terror. A few crumbs from the ceiling fall into Pinkie's mane. She sighs and brushes them out with her hoof.
Jack looks at the ground with guilt. "Sorry..." he mutters, before putting the shotgun back down his pants.
The cashier looks at them in horror. "Wh...what do you want?!"
Pinkie leans in close. "Pinkie Pie. Legally not suppose to be participating but whatever!" She says in a slow, dramatic voice.
Jack Stone whips out his wallet. He flips it open showing his badge. "Jack Stone. Detective." he says in a dramatic voice. His photo above his badge is him lying horizontally, with one arm propping up his head, and the other laying across his side. He's in white underwear, still wearing his aviators, socks and shoes but that's it. His pistol is shoved down the front of his underwear.
Jack rests an arm on the counter.
“Sources say you’ve been smuggling drugs. Care to...comment?”
The cashier looks confused.
“W...well no we don’t have any drugs here.”
Jack Stone smirks.
“So you won’t mind if we...look around?”
The cashier shrugs. “Yes that’s fine...I guess.”
They walk out to multiple rows of exercise bikes. They’re all empty except for Shining armor, who pedals away on one with headphones in his ears. Pinkie and Jack look at each other and nod. Jack walks up, pulls a rubber glove out of his pocket, and slips it on. He grabs Shining by the waist and holds him up.
Shining roars furiously.
“Wh...what the hell are you doing?! Get off me!”
They wrestle for a bit, as Jack keeps trying to angle his free hand behind Shining’s flank.
The cashier stomps an angry hoof.
“You can’t just barge in here and start searching anal cavities for drugs!”
Jack sets down Shining and looks at the cashier with worry.
“Drugs...yes...yes I was...searching for drugs…” Jack takes off the glove and puts it back in his pocket.
Pinkie Pie turns slowly towards the cashier.
“You seem to know quite a bit about your rights for someone who’s innocent.”
The cashier looks at Pinkie with a confused and angry glare.
“I know plenty about my basic rights! You can’t just come in here and start searching the ass of every customer for drugs on a hunch!”
Pinkie rubs her chin while smiling.
“Oh yeah? Well how do we know you’re not hiding something?”
The cashier stomps his hooves again.
“Stop putting emphasis on every word! That’s extremely annoying!”
Pinkie narrows her eyes and grins.
“That’s what I thought.” Pinkie points her hoof at the cashier threateningly.
“Book ‘em!”
Several cops pull up in police cruisers. They get out in full riot gear with batons. They storm the building and shatter the front windows as they start throwing tear gas inside. Multiple machines are kicked over and beaten savagely. One cop tackles an exercise bike and tries to put it in a headlock, while his buddy tasers it repeatedly. The cashier looks around in terror before he’s tackled by Jack Stone SUPER COP!
Jack Stone has the cashier on his stomach in front of him. Jack pulls out a pair of handcuffs.
“Put your legs behind your back! You're under arrest!”
The cashier turns his head to glare at Jack.
“I’m a pony, I can’t put my legs behind my back!”
Jack reaches into his pocket with his free hand and pulls out a rubber glove.
“Alright that’s it, you’re getting a cavity search!”
The cashier flails wildly and kicks the shotgun in Jack's pants. It goes off and blows a massive hole in the front counter, making Pinkie flinch. Several other cop cars pull up. Pony cops get out and start running towards the building. The human cops look up with worry.
“Oh crap, it’s the cops!” one of them yells. They grab the register and run towards the back door with it. A few others break into a vending machine and load up their pockets with candy bars. Two other cops pick up a cycling machine and carry it. They all run out the back door, including Pinkie and Jack.
Cadence rolls around in her bed annoyed, "If you're going to do a stakeout on me in my room, can you at least turn your headlights off?!" she yells angrily.
Pinkie reaches over from the passenger seat and turns off the headlights of Jack's cruiser.
Shining Armor sits up in bed, "Wait how did you sneak past the guards? And how did you get that car in here?!"
Cadence stares at Shining in horror, "No, don't!"
Pinkie narrows her eyes and grins triumphantly. She points at the couple, "Book 'em."
Several police cars pull up to the palace. Cadence and Shining are escorted out by several officers.
The chief walks up to Jack and Pinkie. ""Nice job you two!"
A few officers try to force Cadence into a cruiser.
"Get your hands off me, I'm a princess!"
Shining armor gets an arm free.
“Ok that’s it!” he yells angrily. He runs over, picks up Cadence and throws her at the two guards who were holding him. They fall to the ground with cries of helplessness. Shining looks over at the other two cops who were trying to arrest Cadence. He grabs his wife by the haunches, and hurls her at them. She spins in the air a few times, before toppling them over. Several other cops run at them, but Shining holds onto his wife, using her as a club, knocking them down left and right.
The chief looks at Pinkie and Jack slowly, who return the stare. All three of them turn around and run for it. The chief jumps a fence and keeps going. Pinkie and Jack run behind a building and pant in terror.
Pinkie looks over at Jack.”Ok, maybe it’s time to-” she stops talking as a blue ray erupts out of the darkness. The air is filled with the sound of crackling electricity and freezing ice forming around their bodies. Pinkie and Jack struggle, but are encased in ice, with only their faces free.
Dr. Weird steps out of the darkness. He rests his freeze ray against his shoulder, as he struts over to them, smiling happily. Jack lets out angry grunts as he tries to move his body.
“You just assaulted an officer!” he yells.
Dr. Weird sarcastically acts shocked.
“Assault an officer? No no, I just apprehended two wanted fugitives!”
Jack starts screaming in rage.
Dr. Weird pulls out a check and turns it to face Jack.
“By the way, your check bounced. Also writing in the memo line “You suck” is harassment. I’ll see you in court.”
Jack and Pinkie stand in front of Cadence. Shining armor sits to her right, with puffy red eyes, that do their best to glare. Cadence stands up in her throne and roars.
“You two are in some serious trouble! For every "crime" you tried to solve, you literally committed dozens of others! You arrested without probable cause about forty three ponies, who were held without food and water for days! What the hell do you two have to say for yourselves?!”
Jack looks at Pinkie and whispers to her. “Don’t worry, I got this.”
Jack puts his hands on his hips proudly, pulls out three pairs of aviators, and puts them on awkwardly. “I guess you could say that crime doesn’t...satisfy!”
Jack Stone laughs loudly as six super models walk up, laughing as well, and put their arms around Jack. Jack pistolwhips one of the models. As she lays there unconscious, Jack pulls off his badge and tries to pin it to her.
Cadence teleports in front of him, and kicks him in his twig and berries with her hind legs. Jack falls to the floor squealing in pain. Pinkie Pie looks at the scene in shock, and slowly back up towards a window. She glances at the guards nervously, who are too distracted by the commotion.
Cadence goes to town on Jack’s family jewels with her front hooves. Shining gets up and runs over to Jack’s head.
“You wanna search me for drugs Jack?” he roars angrily. Shining Armor turns around and aggressively plants his ass on Jack’s mouth and nose. “Go right ahead Jack, search it all for drugs!” he says angrily, while rubbing his rear all over Jack’s face as Cadence still wails on his junk. Jack lets out muffled cries of agony. Pinkie quietly opens the window behind her and hops out. She runs across the grass silently, disappearing in the distance.
Thank you all so so much for your continuing support! Sorry it's taken me so long to produce anything, I've been in a funk lately.
Special thanks to The Tenacious Lotus
and boardgamebrony
for prereading and keeping me motivated.