Four Hooves

by destinedjagold


2 - 18

I’m walking down the street with slow and lazy steps, not minding anyone who’s passing by. Where am I going, anyway? I can barely remember...

...Oh, right... Now I remember.

I need to find an apartment.

Now that I have a job, it’s time to see if I can live by myself. I can’t really stay at my aunt’s forever...

I stop, staring at the tiny puddles of rainwater on the pavement.

I blink and look ahead, staring at my aunt’s simple-looking two-storey house... It looks more like a building than a house though... Couldn’t blame her. She never liked standing out in crowds. Didn’t like getting a lot of attention. So she made her house look like the buildings in this city...

I turn around and blink at the purple pony who’s staring back at me. I blink once again, wondering if this pony’s a ghost, seeing that the cars are passing through it. Weird.

“Jay?” Twilight calls. “Is... Is that really...you?”

I close my eyes and shrug. “At least I know why you’re confident showing yourself around if nothing can touch you, Twilight.” I reopen my eyes and see her looking around her library in confusion. I sit my pony bum on the library floor and look around as well, albeit at a slower pace. “Hm... Mom’s trying to look for another job... Maybe I should the local library... See if they’re hiring.”

Twilight turns to me. “Jay... Just... Just what are you?”

I shrug, stand on my two feet, turn around and walk up the steps towards the city’s library.

“Jay, wait!”

Reaching the last flight of stairs, I stop and blink at Twilight, who’s sitting in front of the library’s door, looking angry and confused at me. I tilt my head slightly to the side, wondering why she doesn’t have her wings anymore.

I bring a hand on my chin. “...On second thought, maybe library work’s too boring...”

“Hey,” I hear Twilight’s voice from behind me. I turn around and see her looking offended, her wings twitching. “I’ll have you know that working in the library is not boring! It’s actually quite—”

“Twilight,” I hear Twilight’s voice from behind me once again, even though I’m looking at her in front of me, who then looks behind me, her eyes growing wide. And then another Twilight, the wingless Twilight, walks by, standing in front of Twilight-with-wings. “What the heck is going on? Where are we?”

Huh... Two Twilights. That’s new.

“Who... I mean... Are you...?” Winged Twilight stammers, wide eyes still glued on the wingless version of herself.

Wingless Twilight huffs and rolls her eyes. “I’m you from the other Equestria. Sheesh, and I thought you’re supposed to be smart.”

“B-but... How?”

“Answer my question.”

Winged Twilight blinks. And blinks. “...You’re me from the other Equestria?” She sits down and rubs her chin with a hoof, deep in thought. “...Then again, I did cast a spell on those gems to bring our friends’ consciousness along as soon as the potion’s effect triggers...”

Wingless Twilight groans an annoyed groan and turns to glare at me. “Apparently, you’re Jay, and I bet you’re the one doing...” With a hoof, she gestures at...everything. “...this.” She stomps her hoof on the ground, eliciting...no noise, but our surroundings ripple violently. “I suggest you stop, or else.”

Threats... I never like giving threats to anyone, nor do I like receiving one.

I turn around and find myself sitting on a chair around the dining table. Across the table, I see my mom looking pointedly at me.

“Stop this, Jay,” my mom says in Twilight’s voice. She’s glaring at me, directly at me. “Or would you rather I geld you first before you stop?”

I sniff. I suddenly feel so downhearted. I am crying. I feel like the biggest loser. Biggest, most useless loser. I wonder why. “I-I can’t...” I say, hearing the voice of my younger self. I hang my head, feeling afraid. I sniff. Looking up a bit, and through the tears, I stare at a piece of paper on the table in front of me, full of black prints, pencil writings and red x-marks. “I...I don’t understand how this works.”

My mom sighs and rubs her forehead with her hand. “Jay, I’m counting to three.” She glares at me. “One...”

I take a deep breath. I feel my heart racing. “Th-thirty-three...times...”

“...two...”

“T-times two...is...is...”

My mom growls at me. “Final warning, Jay!”

I clench my eyes shut. “I-I don’t know how to times!”

My mom suddenly stands up, pushing her chair back, the screech almost making my heart stop. She stomps towards me, a broomstick on her hand. “You dumb stallion!” she yells as she raises her hand, the broom shielding the ceiling’s light from my face.

I flinch even before the first strike can hit me. “Mama, no!” I quickly clench my eyes shut.

And when I reopen them, I see myself outside our house, petting a stray panther’s back as it ate a chicken bone. I feel myself smiling as the black cat looks up at me, it’s blue eyes reflecting my younger reflection.

“...Jay?” the cub says, sounding like Reykan. “...What are you?” it asks, the bone almost falling out of its mouth.

“What are you doing?” I hear Twilight ask.

I turn my head towards her voice, and see my mom standing by the door. She’s looking genuinely curious.

I smile a small smile at her. “Nothing,” I tell her as I return my attention to the feline. “Just letting the dog eat the bones from last night’s dinner.”

She suddenly grabs my hand and drags me away from Reykan. “Idiot!” she hisses. “What if it bites you?! We don’t know who owns that dog...panther...whatever! So who’s going to pay for the anti-rabies, huh?!”

“I-I’m...”

“What’s the problem?” Reykan asks. “I’ve bitten Jay a lot, and he’s still okay!”

“Not the point.” She sighs and lets me go. “Jay...” With a frown, she squats so her eyes are level with mine. “Stop this. I may have made a large amount, but the potion can only last for roughly half an hour.” She smiles a small smile. “...Plus, I don’t think Reykan’s a good dog.”

“Hey,” the cub barks, sitting beside me and glaring at my mom. “I can be good at something!” It blinks. “But what’s a dog?” It then turns and blinks at me. “And this is really Jay? What happened?” It looks back at my mom. “And where are we? I was chasing a big rabbit and then this bright light suddenly flashes in front of—”

A bright white light consumes and silences everything...except for myself. I stand up on my two feet and look around, feeling the salty breeze as the ocean’s waves caress my bare feet. I take a deep breath and sigh, smiling at the golden rays of the setting sun on the horizon.

I love the ocean. I love the sea. I love the beach.

...I love the sunset.

I feel my smile fading...

The sun’s about to set. The sun’s about to end the day. It can’t forever be a sunset. Things need to end, apparently.

A flash of darkness. A severe headache. Closing my eyes and grinding my teeth, I clutch my aching head with both hands as I fall to my knees.

Things eventually end. Why does it need to end?

JAY—!

Startled, I open my eyes wide as I whip my head back. I see my mom, kneeling in front of her dresser, shoving her clothes and items inside a large traveling bag. She’s crying. She’s trembling. She’s sobbing.

She looks at me, her tear-stained face making my heart ache. “I told you to pack your things, you dumb stallion! Now do it!”

I feel my lips trembling. My vision is starting to fog.

The door suddenly bursts open, startling the both of us.

“And where do you think you’re going, you mad mare?!” Moon Gaze squeaks as dad storms in, fire burning in his eyes. He grabs my mom’s hair and pulls her away from her dresser.

I hear her shout. I hear her wail.

I hear a mighty fist striking against soft skin.

I hear angry shouts. I hear madness.

I quickly turn around—and stop, my breath freezing inside my lungs.

...I feel my lips trembling as I stand there, staring at my mom—

The door bursts open once again. Dad storms in. No. He rushes in...and grabs mom by her legs, lifting her up.

“Get the knife, dammit!” he shouts at me, horror written all over his face.

My mind is blank. My body rushes down the stairs automatically without my command. I grab the knife from the sink and rush back up. I run inside the room, dad already standing on the chair, still grabbing mom. I give him the knife.

And he cuts the rope.

Mom falls down.

And everything turns black.

...I open my eyes, seeing the golden sand. I take a trembling breath.

I hear footsteps on the sand behind me, approaching me.

“Time to leave, love,” Xana says.

I stand back up and turn around.

My mom’s standing a few meters from me, a sad smile on her lips. She looks old. Older than when I was young. Make-up can hide her true age, maybe slightly, but it cannot hide from my eyes.

It cannot mask the pain from my eyes...

“We’ll be staying in your aunt’s den in the forest. Should be nice enough to live, I hope.” She blinks. “What in snake’s skin am I talking about anyway?”

I take another breath and sigh. “...What about dad?”

She frowns. She frowns a heavy frown.

I feel my heart break. I shouldn’t have asked that. Why did I ask that?

She looks away. “...You understand why he’s not coming...why he won’t be coming with us...right?”

I do.

I hang my head, looking at the newly-made kite on my young hands. “Whoa!” I say, feeling my eyes practically sparkling.

I feel a large, strong hand rubbing my young head. “Hahahah,” Moon gaze laughs as he hands me a tin can where he rolled the string for the kite. He points at the beach which is not too far away, where a few silhouettes are running and playing. “Now go over there and fly your kite. Fly it as high as you can!”

“Mmm!” I nod and run towards the beach, the kite tailing me in the air, ignoring the sad look my mom is giving me as I run past her.

Reaching the beach, I skid to a stop as I turn around, falling on the sand on my back. I feel a wide grin as I let Seri fly in the air, rolling the can on my hands to increase the length of the string.

“Wheee!” Seri wheee’s cheerfully, flapping her wide white wings in the air. “I’m flying! There’s no wind but I’m flying!”

“Hey, son!” Moon Gaze calls.

I sit up and turn my head towards his voice. I blink and see him sitting on the table outside our home, with a couple of his friends from work, holding those weird, bad-smelling bottles on their hands.

Dad, his face looking slightly red, is holding and waving a paper bill with his other hand. “I’m gonna give you this money if you can empty this full bottle.” He smiles a wide, wide smile. “What do ya say?”

His silhouetted friends are telling me, almost chanting, to accept the offer.

I bite my lower lip. I don’t want to. The smell of that stuff hurts my head. But that’s...a big money. I could buy lots of things with that.

I slowly take a step forward, but I stop when I hear chains rattling behind me. I look over my shoulder and see a sphere of moving images floating in the darkness. I slowly turn around to have a better look.

I see mom teaching a kid how to properly sweep the floor.

I then see the kid looking at mom as she washes the dishes.

Mom, holding a report card, is scolding the kid.

The kid is quietly sneaking towards a drawer. He opens it and quietly grabs a handful of coins while mom is talking to a customer inside our little store.

Mom is shaking her head in disappointment as she watches the kid kneeling on the front yard, hand-picking some red ants and putting them inside a sugar-filled jar.

The front door opens, mom walks in, and looks surprised to see a bunch of water-filled jars on the living room table with goldfishes each, some where already floating up-side-down.

Mom and a teacher are shouting at the kid, who is sitting on a tree branch in a school yard, to climb down.

An angry mom is boiling a notebook, each paper full of drawings and doodles. She pours the paper soup on a bowl and tells the kid to drink it or else.

Mom looks stunned, staring at the crying kid who’s holding a knife, with a dead, chopped cockroach on the floor.

Mom then walks in on the kid, who’s playing a video game. She pulls the plug, immediately turning the television off. The kid shouts at her, and mom shouts back. The kid throws the joystick on the floor, making mom furious.

A weak chuckle escapes my lips as I wipe a tear running down my face. I was a curious and spoiled brat back then.

Mom was always there for me, even though she hurts me at times. She attends every parent-teacher meetings and Christmas parties in schools. She even walks with me on my graduations: kindergarten, grade school, high school...

...even college, right after things started making sense. When I finally strung the pieces together and started making sense of everything. When I finally convinced my mom that we move out after I’ve stopped being blind to it all...

Of why dad had lots of ‘friends’.

Of why dad talks ‘differently’ to single women.

Of why dad tells me not to tell mom.

Of why dad is not often home.

...Of why my dad barely had the time for us.

“Time to leave, love,” I hear Xana say.

I blink, feeling the comfort of the gentle setting sun’s rays on my eyes. I turn around and see my mom, looking older than she used to be, who kept holding on keeping the family together, no matter how cracked it was even from the start, just so I can grow up with a mother and father.

...until she finally snapped and almost—

She blinks, the dark surroundings turning back to the beach. “...Haven’t I said that before? What’s going on?”

“...To the city?”

She blinks, surprised to hear me suddenly talking. She composes herself and nods her head. “Yes. City. Whatever that is.” She shrugs. “You’ll attend college there, away from here.” She smiles a small, sad smile. “...You understand, right, love?”

I hang my head. “...Yeah.”

He was always out there, busy working.

...or at least, I thought he was.

Everything’s dark all of a sudden. There’s that pain in my head again.

“Grrk...!” I clench my eyes shut as I rub my aching head with my hooves.

He always cooks the best meaty meals. He drives the motorbike and oftentimes brings me along with his deliveries. He knows how to use his words to calm angry customers. He has a lot of friends.

He doesn’t buy me the stuff I want though. But I never felt too bad about it. He promises me that he’ll buy it for me next time.

And the next time... And the next time after that.

He doesn’t attend any school activities. He’s always coming home late, always missing dinner and movie nights. He says he’s busy with work. But I never felt too bad about it either. He promises to attend the next one.

...And the next one... And the next one after that...

He doesn’t scold me if I did anything wrong with anything. He even argues with my mom to let me off the hook.

He doesn’t eat with us most of the time, because he’s always rushing to or busy with work.

He doesn’t compliment me if I achieve good grades after studying too hard on them, because he’s too tired and wants to sleep.

He tells me that everything’s fine the next morning, even though there are a lot of glass shards on the floor.

He tells me that mom is insecure, that is why they always argue and fight almost every single night.

He tells me that mom will be back soon every time my mom leaves for an uncertain amount of days.

...And he tells me that he doesn’t know what he has done wrong, as we watch these strange people carry mom inside the ambulance.

...Sometimes I wish that I never grew up and stayed innocent, because I miss feeling happy and seeing how bright the world was in my innocent, ignorant eyes.

Then again, that would mean I would remain blind to everything that was happening...

I hang my head as the images around me start to fade. I sit down and embrace my knees, crying quietly as I ignore the many voices calling out my name. Twilight’s, Reykan’s, mom’s, dad’s, Moon’s, Seri’s, Xana’s, bro’s—!

My bro. My poor, poor bro...

He was cheerful, but was mortified when he saw how angry my mom was at me. He studied hard, impressing my mom with good grades.

“Why can’t you be as smart as him, Jay?”

He was energetic, but he’s well-behaved after he saw how mom punished me after talking back at her.

“Why can’t you be good like your brother, Jay?”

He was lazy, but not anymore after my mom scolded me for not sweeping the floor.

“Why can’t you be as responsible as your brother, Jay?”

He was—

“Why can’t you be—”

He was—

“—just like your—”

He was—

“—younger brother—”

He was—!

“—Jay?!”

My eyes shot open. I feel angry. So fucking angry.

And without hesitation, I push my brother off the stairs.

I hear mom cry out in panic from downstairs.

I see the stunned look my brother is giving me as he falls down.

...And I feel how wide my smile is and how happy I am that I did it.

I finally did it.

...What did I do? Why did I do it? Will it stop mom from hurting me? Will she finally stop scolding me? Will she finally let me do whatever I want? Will she finally stop comparing me from my brother?

She didn’t answer. I didn’t ask anyway.

I can almost see how horrified I am as I stare at my brother down the stairs, mom cradling him and crying over him.

Why did I do it? She asks me, I’m sure, but I never hear any voice coming out from her trembling lips. She is crying. She is sobbing. She is asking herself what she did wrong to deserve this. She is asking herself why I turned out like this.

...She is asking me why am I like my father. I am like my father. Am I really like my father? I should be happy...right? Mom is trying to stop me from becoming like my father! I like dad! I love dad! Why is she doing that? Why is she stopping me from turning into him?!

But I didn’t ask her. I didn’t need to.

I...have hurt my brother. I have never seen him like that before... He almost looks like...mom. He looks...like mom...after their fight. Dad hurts mom... I am like dad... I hurt my brother... I hurt mom...

“Jay...” I hear Reykan’s weak voice from my brother’s lips... “...I...’m...s...sorry...”

A loud crashing noise. Everything becomes dark as I fall to my knees, crying. I cry, and cry, and cry...

“N-never again...” I say, almost choking on a sob. “I-I... I don’t want to hurt my brother ever again... I don’t want to hurt my mom ever again...”

“And why not?” I hear Twilight ask. “She’s hurting you. Countless times, even. And you didn’t even hurt her, not even once! And don’t you give me that look, Twilight! From what we’ve seen, from what he showed us, he’s been hurt, always getting hurt, and never got justice. I’m proud of him, to be honest. He finally learned when to draw the line, just like I did back then, but I’m disappointed as well, for he immediately erased that very line. So what’s next? Basing from cliché stories my counterpart has read, you become a sponge to all hurt as you try to be a good pony...who-mahn...whatever your stick species are called. Am I correct? Please say yes and let’s be done with this useless background story of yours.”

I take a breath, feeling the salty breeze as I hear the soft waves of the beach.

“Oh, for crying out lou—”

“Never again will I hurt them...” I whisper to myself as I see my younger self, crying with a knife on hand and a dead roach on the floor.

“Jay?” I hear Xana’s voice. “I’m...afraid to ask, but what’s going on?”

I sniff and look at her as I hear another set of sobs from somewhere in the room. “It...it scared Kevin, so I...I killed it!”

My mother’s sigh echoes in the background as I pet the eating panther cub, my brother sitting beside me and curiously looking at the creature.

“What are you two doing?” I hear Twilight ask.

My bro and I turn our heads toward her voice, and we see mom standing by the door, looking curious.

“Nothing,” my brother and I reply in unison.

“Just letting the dog eat the bones from last night’s dinner,” I add as I turn back to the panther cub.

Grabbing my bro’s hand and mine, mom drags us away from Reykan. “Idiots!” I hear her hiss mixing with the salty breeze as my brother and I happily watch Seri flying in the air.

I turn to him. “Wanna hold it?” I ask, offering the tin can.

“Eh?” he blinks at me, his smile turning into shock. “No no no! I don’t wanna! I dunno how!”

“Idiot,” I chuckle. “It’s simple! Just hold it and...um... Just hold it!” I say as I shove the can to his hands.

I hear shouting from the distance. My brother and I turn to the source. We see mom and dad arguing outside the house...again.

“They’re still fighting...” I hear Reykan whisper to himself.

I frown as dad waves the bill in the air, taunting me to grab the bottle. I want to leave.

But my brother suddenly appears beside me, walking towards him.

Dad hands him the bottle, and his friends cheer as my brother grabs it.

He looks at it, looks at him, looks back at the bottle, holds it on its neck with one hand...

...and turns it up-side-down, spilling the content on the ground, creating a liquid mess in the quiet outdoors.

“...There,” my brother says. “It’s empty.”

I’m not quick enough to push him away from my father’s fist.

I close my eyes and lean my head on the window of the moving bus. Slowly, I reopen my eyes and watch the blurry scene passing by.

I pull my head back and look at mom, who’s fast asleep with her mouth slightly open. I feel a small smile on my lips. She really did thought she was doing something wrong after that...incident. She stopped hitting me. Still though, she was still strict on grades.

We’re moving away from it all. We’re putting the past behind us... I’m going to college... Mom’s gonna look for work. My bro’s gonna attend senior high school...

I look out the window and see my aunt’s two-storey building before us, mom and bro carrying and pulling bags and walking through the closed door.

I take a breath as I close my eyes. I turn around and reopen my eyes.

I stare at the tall apartment building before me. Here’s to hoping...

The landlady opens the door, and smiles an old, wrinkly smile at me.

“Hello, Jay.”

I still find it weird how she knew my name. Mom probably told her.

“Looking for a room, I take it?”

I nod my head. Not only my name, but she also knows why I came here... It’s...strange...

Something’s suddenly growing on the landlady’s forehead, my widening eyes transfixed on it. “...I’ve had enough of your backstory bullshit,” she says in Twilight’s angry voice as a purple horn on her forehead suddenly glows in bright, purple light. “Now wake the buck up!”

FLASH