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// Granny Smith vs The Timber Wolves 
// Story: Granny Smith Lectures The World 
// by Dark Chocolate 
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	Granny Smith and Timely walk along a dirt road lined with trees as far as the eye can see.
Granny Smith sighs and attempts to find something interesting to talk about again.
“So Timely...have ya always wanted to be that there uh...special care giver? I mean you got the smarts, why not be a doctor or somethin’?”
Timely looks down at the ground reluctantly, “Well, I wanted to be a doctor but I’m not very good with blood. Or confrontation. Or management. And when I see vomit, I start groaning and shaking. Also I hate needles. And I don’t do well under pressure. And studying makes me dizzy. And-”
“I get the picture there sonny. How about any sports? You play them?” 
Timely looks horrified, "How could I?! All the yelling and running and hitting! Plus I just can't stand the idea of someone loosing! Like how could you be ok with that? I mean the idea of someone going home empty handed after trying so hard! I could never do that to somepony! What if they never recover? What if it destroys their self-esteem? What if somepony gets kicked off the team?! It would be all my fault!" Timely walks along quietly with a horrified expression, as he ponders over the vast nightmare of sports and sports related activities. His eyes are wide like he was having flashbacks to old war times.
Granny groans, "Ok then...you uh...got a girl back home?"
Timely looks down at the ground again, "I uh...I don't do well with women. I mean...what are you even suppose to say? Like what if I say something stupid? What if she thinks I'm weird or or or...what if she..." Timely swallows nervously, "What if she...wants to...hold hooves?!" Timely shutters in fright, "Or or or.." he looks around before leaning close to granny and whispering, "Or kiss?!"
Granny stomps the ground, "Oh common boy! There's flesh eating bacteria, and you're concerned with a girl showin' you some lovin'?!"
Granny Smith rolls her eyes and lets out a loud groan, "Ok then, what do you like to do then?!"
Timely thinks for a minute, "Um...I like taking care of ponies! You know...except the angry ones...or the sad ones. Or ones who are too quiet. Or if they talk too much. Or if they don't talk enough. I mean I'm ok with them making a lot of sounds. Unless they're the gross kind. I don't do well with nasty sounds. You know, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, or when people smack their mouth's when they eat. Or slurp their noodles." 
Granny Smith's eyes grow wide as she slowly turns and stares at Timely. She contemplates the horrible fates she wouldn't mind befalling him.

The sun slowly begins to make it's way to the mountains in the distance and Granny yawns. 
“Hey there Timmy, what you say we get some shut eye in one of these caves?”
Timely’s eyes grow wide, “But...there could be bats! And germs! And bears, or wolves! Or what if there's some freakish combination of all four! Could you imagine being imprisoned by some gross batbearwolf thing? And what if he slurps noodles while we sit in a cage listening?!”
Granny Smith stops and stares at Timely, “Sonny...you really gotta work on that there spine of yers. Now we can’t sleep out in the open, so put yer big boy boots on and let's hustle!”
They walk towards the nearest cave, as Timely’s eyes dart back and forth nervously. His gaze snaps at every shadow and bush. His front legs shake as he walks.
He hears a twig snap and gasps, “Granny! Was that a bat?!” Granny stops, turns around, and stares at Timely with an annoyed expression. “Yes. It was a big scary ol’ bat. Walking along the ground, while it’s still bright out. He’s gonna come over here and eat you alive boy! Of course it aint no bat you dummy! What ya think a bat is gonna do?! Rob us?! Oh I'm sorry mister bat! I know the economy is tough on you and all, but here, have some money. I swear boy I outta smack you upside that thick skull of yers!”
They get another ten steps before Timely hears another few twigs break. He screams and dives behind Granny Smith. She stops and rolls her eyes, “Tony, I’m at least for times your age and half yer size. I’d be a better distraction than cover honestly.”
Timely slowly raises himself off the ground, “I..I’m sorry Granny, I just don’t like forests!”
Granny Smith does her best to ignore him and continues walking towards the cave. Suddenly, two timber wolves jump out from behind a bush. Granny Smith’s eyes grow wide, and Timely shrieks before cowering into the dirt. They snarl at Granny, making gradual advances on them. Granny narrows her eyes and takes a few steps forward.
“Watcha gonna do, eat us?” The timber wolves howl in response.
Granny sighs, “Ok listen here. You see my leg?” Granny Smith lifts her front leg out, trembling in her old age. “You honestly think yer gonna get a meal outa me? I mean heck you’ll probably spend more calories chewin’ on me, than you’ll get. And Tyler here ain't got nothin’ on him either! Plus he’s so stressed out all the time, he’ll taste like ol’ tires he will. “
The wolves look at each other before staring at Granny. They start taking steps towards her again. Timely starts shrieking, “What are we gonna do Granny?!”
Granny sighs, “Ok well, plan B then. If you wolves are gonna eat us, at least let me get some fresh air will ya? I just wanna breath in the wonderful scent of the forest one last time…” she trails off admiringly. Granny Smith inhales, then her eyes bulge. She starts making horrible coughing noises, as if she’s trying to remove her lungs the hard way. The wolves flinch a few times in disgust but keep watching. 
Granny Smith rolls around on the ground, dramatically coughing and sputtering. Her noises get louder as something is clearly trying to exit her throat. The wolves whimper, turn around and leave. One of them shakes his head in revulsion. Granny continues her act for another minute, before getting off the ground with a victorious grin. Timely runs over to her, “Granny! You ok?!”
Granny chuckles, “Aw it was nothin’ Thomas. Just one of my many talents! Now lets get over here in that cave and call it a night eay?” The pair walk into the cave and look around. While there’s nothing except the smooth cave walls, the cave itself goes on for quite a ways, quickly growing large and dark. The pair nestle down into the dirt and close their eyes.
Timely lifts his head as he hears a deep growl. “Uh Granny? I don’t think we’re alone here…” Granny looks at him in confusion before staring into the endless darkness of the cave. It’s completely silent for a minute before Granny chimes in. “Aw Taylor, ain’t nothing in here except-”
Two massive glowing eyes at the end of the cave open and stare viciously at the pair. A deep booming voice echoes through the cave, “Except me!” Timely shrieks and cowers in the ground again.
Granny Smith sighs, “Aw crap baskets.”