//------------------------------// // Chapter 14: Mind Your Business // Story: A Troll Through the Park // by Spanner //------------------------------// Chapter 14: Mind Your Business *** Normally, Princess Celestia had no issue winning diplomatic situations. All it usually took was a melting glare and all would bow before her in humble defeat. However, she wasn’t usually wearing the body of her awkward student, known mostly for her role as the town’s obsessive librarian. This form certainly did not have the same impact, as the only look that residents feared from her was that disbelieving stare that would come just before a long lecture on proper book care or the insurmountable injustice of being unable to check out a book because it was on the overdue list. This could consume an entire twenty minutes of your day, and that was before the five minute presentation on her annual ‘Reading is Fun!’ seminar, accompanied by a tri fold pamphlet. Residents often wondered whether she was serious or if this was in fact a sort of deranged punishment. At the moment, Celestia really wished Twilight held a more intimidating position in Ponyville, especially after saving her sister from Nightmare Moon. Unfortunately, Celestia had grown to understand she was merely unbearably adorkable. Still, it was a little disconcerting to see ponies suddenly cradle books like delicate foals as she walked down the streets. Celestia somehow had the feeling that even if she had been herself, it wouldn’t have mattered at this point. Carrot Top stood behind the front door of her family's farmhouse. It wasn’t flung open to greet a national hero or friendly fellow resident. She just held the door slightly ajar so she could stare daggers at the vile unicorn she thought was Twilight Sparkle. Celestia’s student was the last mare she wanted to see right now, and her hoof on the door handle was ready to slam it at a moment’s notice. “What do you want?” Autumn Harvest demanded. “You better leave town before the guards find you. You can’t deny it was you! You sent those rabbit vermin to eat my carrots, didn’t you?!” Well, isn’t she sunshine and rainbows? Celestia imagined how easily she could launch the mare off that doorstep, but she let it slide. She had done the crime after all. “Fine, then. I won’t deny it, and I’m sorry for the trouble I have caused you. However, I won’t be going anywhere until we sort a few things out.” “Twilight Sparkle, the goody four shoes of Celestia, just admitted to committing a crime.” The words seemed to hit her like a physical blow. Her mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish. Finally, after she regained her composure, the door creaked fully open and she stepped out onto her porch. "I'm listening. For now." Celestia couldn’t help herself from smiling at this bit of progress. She tried to disguise it as one of Twilight’s cheesy grimaces. “I’m willing to do just about anything to make it up to you, Carrot Top, if you would please drop the charges. You see, my friend Fluttershy has become a suspect in the crime, and It would be terrible if she were falsely accused. I don’t think her soft little heart could take it,” Celestia finished with an exaggerated frown and pursing of her lips. The head tilt and folded ears may have been overboard. The farmer just stood on her porch while cycling through a range of expressions, before finally speaking up. Carrot Top’s performance would have rivaled a griffin diplomat scrambling to secure a loose bit of land. It wasn’t at all comforting, considering one was a war hardened scoundrel and this was supposed to be one of her sweet little ponies. “I’ll accept your apology...” Maybe Celestia’s, ‘confuse them into forgiveness’ routine was going to work. “Thank you for your understanding. I’m certain—” Carrot Top cut the princess short. “—However, I’m not going to drop the charges.” Celestia resisted the urge to grind her teeth. Instead, she forced what she figured was a neighborly smile. This was a difficult feat, considering she lived in a castle for most of her life with no real neighbors. “Is there no way we can settle this ourselves? Why are you so hung up on this anyway?” “Well for starters, you sided with Applejack to humiliate me, and you damaged my family's crops.” It was time for the unknowable expression she used to make the nobles sweat. It was the same look that got Twilight to make one of those cute frustrated whines. “Your second point is fair,” admitted Celestia, “but you must realize I’m a good friend of Applejack. Of course I would jump at the chance to help her. Celestia paused, seeing something flare up in Carrot Top’s angry glare. “If you wouldn’t mind me asking, what exactly is going on here?” Carrot Top was quick to snap back. “This had nothing to do with you. What happens between me and those insufferable Apple folks is none of your business!” Carrot Top turned to slam the door in Celestia's face, but she found it was being wrenched open by Twilight’s pulsing magic. Pleasantries were over. Celestia took a deep breath. “This became my business the second you insulted us... the princesses. As I said before, Applejack asked for my help. What kind of friend would I be if I just turned her down?” “How dare you!” Carrot Top yelled. Celestia took the defensive as the earth pony continued to march straight at her, nearly pushing her off the porch steps. “You, the Student of Princess Celestia herself, would be the last pony to understand,” Carrot Top snorted, lifting her nose. Just then, a devious smile formed on the mare's face. “I’ll tell you what, If you beat me in a wrestling match, without magic, then maybe I’ll tell you why I have a problem with them Apples, and why I insulted the Princess. If you can do that, I’ll drop the charges. That or you can pay the 500 bits Stonewall is charging the pony who wrecked my farm.” “That’s, that’s just silly. I’m not going wrestle with you, or pay 500 bits for your fake emotional trauma. I doubt anypony in Ponyville has that kind of money.” Whoever pays that is going to get emotional trauma. “I’m sure the princess of her majesty could easily come up with that kind of money. Unless you spent it all on books?” Carrot Top said. Celestia coughed into her hoof. Carrot Top turned back to the farmhouse, swatting Celestia in the face with her tail as she went. “If you have a problem with the law, then take it up with Her majesties and the council.” Celestia’s patience had run out. It might have been over one thousand, three hundred and thirty three years since she was last tail-swatted in the face, but it was still one of the most disrespectful things one could do to somepony. “Take it up with the law?” She snorted in exasperation a few times before bellowing in an infernal rage, “I AM THE LAW!” “Besides that not making any sense—” Celestia held out a hoof. “I accept your challenge. Right here, right now.” Carrot Top didn't utter a word. She narrowed her eyes at her foe, sizing her up and down. She reached out slowly towards the Twilight’s hoof before her, as if it had one of Pinkie Pie’s alarmingly powerful hoof buzzers attached. As soon as Carrot Top’s hoof separated from Celestia’s, the unicorn pounced on her target like a vicious kitten. *** It had started out a small chuckle, but now Applejack was enjoying a full belly laugh. She was shaking so hard she dropped a basket of apples she had been loading into her cart. She looked down at the scattered fruit for a moment before breaking back into raucous laughter. “Funny joke, Twilight. And it wasn’t about math or science er nothin!” Once Applejack had salvaged what apples she could and set the basket in the cart, she hoofed a tear of amusement from her eye. “Now let’s hear the real story.” “That is the real story,” Celestia huffed. Nopony had accused her of being a liar for the longest times. It was especially ironic, that the Element of Honesty was the one to break that streak when she happened to be telling the truth. “I didn’t have to tell you all this. I just thought it would be worse if you heard it from somepony else first.” Applejack leaned against the cart full of empty wicker baskets. “So let me get this straight,” she began as she distributed some of said baskets around a nearby tree. After a quick back-hoof against the tree and a series of little thuds, the baskets were all neatly filled with ripe apples. “You’re tellin’ me that you went over to Golden Harvest farms ta apologize for sending a horde of rabbits to eat her carrots, but then you ended up wrasslin’ with her all over her front yard instead?” Applejack asked, as she finished loading the newly collected apples. “Is that about right so far?” Celestia nodded. Her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. “Then you say you were winin’ when Stonewall showed up to arrest you for messin’ with her carrots, and assault and batteries or sumthin.’ You used some fancy wording in the law about hoof shakes to get away with everything and made Carrot Top drop all the charges. Then she finally told you why she’s so upset with us Apples and all is good and dandy?” Applejack's voice was getting louder with every sentence. What is with that look she’s giving me? “It wasn’t anything too fancy,” Celestia dismissed. “She said she would “drop all the charges,” if I beat her. The hoof-shake sealed a legally binding verbal contract. I was of course, reluctant to stoop to brawling at first, until she said she would explain her plight against the Apple family if—” “Give me a second here.” Applejack trotted over to a nearby dead tree, before making it explode with with a double barreled helping of iron shod hooves. All that remained was a splintered stump and a pile of broken wood. “You’re gonna start explainin’ fast, before I do something I regret.” The unicorn took in a deep breath. Celestia opened her mouth a few times only to reconsider her words. “Did, I say something wrong?” “Did you?!” Applejack yelled as she threw a stack of empty baskets at Celestia. “That was the same deal she gave me, before you lectured me for nearly an hour not do it! Did you forget that?!” Celestia shrank up against the nearest treetrunk among the scattered baskets. “Yes! I mean, no! I just.” Wait, why do I feel like I remember that? It was in the south field, last October— “Hypocrite!” Applejack raised a hoof at the quivering mare, but stopped short. The earth pony was gritting her teeth and loudly blowing air from her nose. The Princess sighed in relief when Applejack turned away, only to flinch when two hoof prints formed right above her head. A shower of apples pummeled Celestia from above. By the time she recovered enough to extricate herself from the small pile of fruit, Applejack had already hitched up to the wagon and headed off for the farm’s storage cellar. Celestia quickly trotted up to appologize, but Applejack pointed back at the fresh apples on the ground. “You gonna get those?” Rather than get in a fight with another farm pony, Celestia wisely backed off. It only took a second to levitate the apples into the baskets that had conveniently been thrown in her face for the second time. She stared blankly at the filled apple baskets, before they too were lifted in her magic. How could she have screwed things up so bad? I’ve tackled international affairs, complex economic catastrophes, interdimensional ninja cats, and horrid abominations that threatened the very fabric of space and time. How can I fail so hard at pretending to be somepony else’s friend? Celestia sank to her haunches in shame.   She was ‘pretending.’ That was the problem. She couldn’t believe it took her this whole time to see her glaring mistake. I really know nothing about the Elements. Sure I remember all of Twilight’s letters, and that time we stopped Nightmare Moon by re-awakening the Elements of Harmony, and that Applejack’s favorite color is pink, and Rainbow Dash really hates it when you touch her... wait, what? Why do I know— Celestia flinched as somepony touched her upon the shoulder. She didn’t need to guess who’s orange hoof was hooked over her withers. There it was again, the care from a friend she hadn't earned. The reason for her self introspection came back to mind, along with the guilt for screwing things up for Twilight. “I’m sorry,” Celestia said softly. If Applejack heard her she certainly didn’t show it. “You gonna’ come back ta the farm for dinner, or are ya just gonna keep moppin’ and spinning those apple baskets above your head?”   “Wait, you're not still mad at me?” Celestia stuttered a little. “I’m madder than heck, but that ain’t as important as makin’ sure you’re okay.” Applejack took a seat next to the princess. “It’s what friends are for; forgiving each other for doing stupid, stuff.” “I am so stupid.” She couldn’t bear to look at her, especially behind such a mask of deceit. “I’m not your friend," Celestia said so quietly that Applejack barely heard it. Applejack chuckled. “You’re a lot of things, Twi, but stupid ain’t one a them. Methodical, obsessive, controlling, and all kinds a particular for sure. But stupid? If you’re stupid, then I’m a rock,” Applejack said, trying to get a smile out of her friend. “You’re much scarier than any rock I’ve ever met. Also, don’t obsessive, controlling, and particular kinda go hoof in hoof?” Celestia asked. Applejack had a bemused look about her. “You, met rocks? Did they talk back?” “Actually, yes. I mean, sort of. It’s a long story.” Celestia scratched her lavender chin, trying to think of the best way to explain. “Ha! See, that’s what I’m talking about!” Applejack exclaimed with a painful punch to her foreleg. “That’s partly why I like ya so much. Anypony that spends time with ya is bound ta learn something. Celestia knows the farm’s accounting would still be a disaster without ya.” Somehow she could see the numbers and spreadsheets now. Celestia couldn’t take anymore praise for her student’s endeavors. Celestia finally brokered the courage to look Applejack in the eyes. Small tear tracks ran down her lavender muzzle. “You don’t get it! I’m not Celestia!” What the heck was that?! "I mean I’m not Twi—” “SOUP’S ON EVERYPONY!” The dinner triangle clanged away in the distance. Applejack sat up and turned towards the farm. She looked back at Celestia over her shoulder. “You ain’t gonna beat yourself up about this ya hear! Just call us even for putting up with my stubbornness during that last Applebuck Season.” “But I need to tell you—” “Yer darn right you’re gonna tell me all about what Carrot Top had ta say. I think Everypony is rarin’ to hear about that.” Celestia wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or ashamed for keeping her secret. The strange thing was, the more she thought about her friends, the more it felt like she had known them all along. No. My student’s friends.  As she trotted off after Applejack, she levitated a parade of apple baskets behind her. Celestia barely noticed the subconscious grinding of her own teeth or her abnormal breathing. *** Dinner was a vegetable stew, bread, and of course apple related dishes with apple pie for dessert. The family was just about done with the main course when Celestia finished recounting the tale of how she fought the law, and won. It just took a bit of verbal trickery and martial arts. The more pressing matter was what exactly was going on in her head? Was her mental control was slipping? Luckily, she had had more than enough practice having conversations while devoting her inner thoughts to other matters. Contemplating when she needed to go feed Cerberus The Gatekeeper, also known as her fluffy wuffy companion, was much more important than listening to Prince Blueblood rant that his imported tea had been thrown off the harbor by his own dock crew. "Why, that was sneakier than a fox in hen house," Granny Smith said as Celestia recapped her tale. “Though, as much as I approve of teachin’ that pony a lesson, I don’t much condone with messing with their crop. I don’t know what we’d do if she decided to get revenge on our apples.” “Yeah, I kinda overdid it a bit didn’t I?” Celestia scratched the back of her head in embarrassment. “Yeeap!” Big Macintosh said from the head of the table. Apple Bloom was ecstatic about Twilight’s wrestling match. The little filly declared that if saving Equestria through time and space didn’t get them their marks, then becoming the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders Wrestling Champs’ would be their next target. Every other member of the Apple family quickly shot down the idea. They also wondered what Bloom meant by time travel? Luckily they missed Twilight’s guilty expression. Some time later, when they had all had their fill of dinner, Applejack swept the cooled pie from the window sill. As she turned back to the kitchen table, Applejack popped the question that Celestia was afraid of. “So what did Carrot Top tell ya about her misgivings against us Apples? Is she finally gonna surrender?” As Applejack approached the table with the fresh apple pie, Big Mac tracked the savory morsel with a longing stare, licking his lips eagerly. Nopony dared touch an apple pie until ‘Big Red’ took the first slice. Celestia twiddled her front hooves. “About that. I sort of, might have, promised you would promote her carrots during next cider season... and some other things.” Big Mac frowned when Applejack dropped the pie on the table. A fissure formed down the middle of a previously perfect crust. He cradled the pie, releasing a sad whine and single tear. Nopony seemed to notice his plight. It will all be over soon, he promised the pie. Applejack stood poised with her hooves on the table. She focused her downward gaze at Celestia. “That’s funny I thought I heard you say you promised ta have me praise her carrots during our Cider Season?” she asked sternly. “Well yes, I did.” Celestia held up a hoof to keep everypony form literally and figuratively jumping out of their seats. “Autumn Harvest explained that each year her sales stay nearly the same. A small bit of her stock goes to the Canterlot Castle kitchens... to make those delectable, scrumptious carrot cakes.” Celestia came to her senses in time to stop a bit of drool from forming. “Anyway, the rest of her stock gets sold here. She refuses to sell to the snooty businesses in Canterlot, even though her organic carrots would sell great ever since the whole health food craze against M.M.Os started.” Everypony looked a bit confused, except Big Macintosh. He was too busy sneaking a third piece of pie. “What’s an MMO?” Apple Bloom asked. “Miss Cheerilee taught us what organic was, but I never heard a that.” “An MMO is a Magically Modified Organism,” Celestia said with a groan, remembering all the controversy over such things. “It just means magic was used in some part of the process of growing the food product. Some ponies think theses foods are harmful, even when we have been eating vegetables farmed with earth pony magic for as long as I can remember,” she said. Any signs of irritation on the topic was replaced by a itching need to thoroughly explain all of the extraneous details. “Sure, the Flim Flam brothers have come up with some questionable ways to produce fast growing, pest resistant corn, but to refuse to eat any magically produced vegetable is silly. I mean, if you consider the latent magic field that surrounds everything on Equis, then all food could be considered—” Celestia trailed off. She noticed Applejack was snickering, Granny Smith was asleep, Apple Bloom looked confused, and Big Mac was looking at her with goo goo eyes and a goofy grin. His head was cocked slightly to the side, cradled by one of his big blond hooves. Celestia didn’t realize she was staring back, until Applejack interrupted the awkward silence. “You were doing it again Twi,” Applejack laughed. “For darn's sake, little Bloom’s only twelve.” “Hey! I’m not little!” Apple Bloom protested, but nopony was listening. It was Celestia’s turn to blush. “What? I’m not interested in, I mean it’s not bad for a filly her age to see a little roma—” Celestia swore she saw Big Mac blushing before he pulled a pie pan over his face and started licking it clean. Or maybe he was just pretending. It sure is adorable. Argh, no. You don’t even know him. Applejack belted out a new set of giggles that woke up Granny Smith so fast the old mare almost fell out of her chair. “I wasn’t talkin’ about you’re two way love denial. I was talkin—” Celestia couldn’t stop herself from blurting out, “I am NOT interested in dating Big... stallions right now.” Darn it mouth! “—about gettin’ carried away explaining stuff,” Applejack finished through Celestia’s interruption. “Though, it’s interesting to hear that you prefer the big stallions Twilight,” She said before she winked playfully. Celestia’s only saving grace was Granny Smith giving her granddaughter a swift hoof to the back of the head. “I don’t get it. What’s the big deal with the size of stallions that Twilight likes?” Apple Bloom asked. Granny delivered another swat to her eldest granddaughter. “See whatcha started?” Granny Smith accused. The old coot was surprisingly fast for her age. The filly continued on, oblivious to her sister’s plight. “I mean the mares around town are always whispering about how Mac must be the biggest in town, but that seems kinda obvious.” “Apple Bloom, this is not the time,” Applejack hissed through clenched teeth. “But, how is that a secret? He’s obviously huge! Just look at him!” Apple Bloom held her hooves up as wide as she could, which was only about three feet. Applejack had the foresight to dodge the next blow from Granny Smith. “Apple Bloom. Room, now!” “But I—” “NOW!” The yellow filly grumbled all the way away from the table and up the stairs. Celestia wasn’t sure who was more embarrassed. Based on the way Big Mac had smashed the pie tin down over his head, it was probably him. The way his ears and nose poked out the sides was remarkably adorable. “Can we please just move along?” Celestia asked. “As long as ya don’t go ‘full egghead’ on us, as Rainbow Dash would put it,” Applejack said as she pointed at Twilight. Celestia applied her forehead directly to the table. One of the points of sending me to this town was so I would stop ‘nerding out.’ “Now Applejack. It ain’t polite to point at the dinner table, or make fun of Twilight’s need to sound smart all the time,” Granny Smith sagely said. “I do not need to..!” Celestia couldn’t stop herself, before trotting straight into that one. The old codger gave a sly smile to Applejack and the two shared a none too subtle laugh. Now the unicorn was blushing all over again with her arms crossed in indignation. “I've been had, by an old bag and a farmer. Oh the in-equinity!” “Hey now, you’re the one who brought up who you like to roll in the hay with,” said Granny Smith with a coy smile of crooked teeth. Celestia and Applejack both leered at Granny Smith. By this point, Big Mac had ‘mysteriously’ disappeared from the table. Granny Smith held up her hooves in mock innocence. “What? There ain't no young-ins around now.” Applejack snorted derisively. “Well, now that that’s outta the way, I believe you were explaining why we should give a hoot about Carrot Top’s sales?” Applejack asked without a shred of the mirth she had a second earlier. Celestia took a few moments to make sure everypony had finished teasing her. After a swig of fresh apple juice, she was ready to continue. “Well, the Apple Family has—” “Sorry Twilight, but does this have a short version?” Applejack asked, nearly at her wit’s end. Celestia ground her front hooves hooves into the table. Obviously I sabotaged the wrong property. “The Carrots may need to sell their farm,” she said flatly. “I have agreed to help them try to save it. There, I said it.” Silence reigned in the Apple Family kitchen. “Could you repeat that?” Applejack asked in disbelief. “I’m not sure I heard that right.” The Element of Honesty was once again staring right at her. What she did to Carrot Top’s farm was bad enough, but finding out she was a hypocrite to Applejack and basically agreed to endorse her competitors only made it worse. She hadn’t felt this small since... ...She was quivering before Mother, as she ranted at her for her latest trick to get back at her brother. She knew Shining Armor couldn’t resist running to the door once he heard Cadance's voice. She had magically hung a bucket containing pink mane dye above the front door of the manor. Little Shining had gone running to see his crush, only to be doused with the stuff. It also happened to make his voice rise many octaves. Her Big Bother Biggest Fiend Forever would be waiting weeks for the mane dye to wear off. Fortunately his voice would sound normal the next day. Boy was mother mad, but that’s what Shinny gets for stealing the last oatmeal raisin cookie! Celestia was reveling in her bittersweet victory over her cookie eating monster of a brother, when she quickly realized there were a whole lot of things wrong with this memory. For one, her mother’s mane wasn’t on fire. It was lavender and white... like Twilight Velvet’s. She had meant to recall the time she was caught tickling Luna while she was trying to raise the moon. After some concentration, the memory did surface. Instead of staring down in shame at the pink blotches in an otherwise clean white carpet, Celestia was standing on a familiar grassy knoll where she and her sister practiced magic. Queen Majesty scolded her for hours about the dangers of interrupting somepony while they were controlling celestial bodies. She had been terrified by the heat and magical power licking off of the Solar Matriarch. The intense heat of the sun stood before her, but the power of teen angst compelled her even more. “Like I even know that many ponies that can move stars and planets, Mom!” She literally lost her horn privileges for a whole week for that one. So the memory was still there, Celestia noted. However, it wasn’t as clear as it should have been. Her memories were usually so vivid, devoid of the wrinkles and haze that most ponies have with old memories. Celestia skipped forward from the cookie scandal. Past when her brother passed basic training and joined the royal guard, past getting accepted by herself... into the school for gifted unicorns. She froze the memory in her mind. She was staring up at her own regal form. Celestia smiled down at her with the golden regalia she knew so intimately. The smile was genuine, but it didn’t do much to hide the centuries of experience behind her gaze. Of course Celestia had her priorities straight when faced this identity crisis. Have I always looked so dower? That look makes me seem old. “Equestria to Twilight? Can you hear me?” Applejack asked, while waving her hooves in front of the unicorn. Oh, right! I must have spaced out. Is there something wrong with me? Of course there is. My mom is NOT Twilight Velvet. “Hey. Are you okay Twilight?” Celestia jumped at the feeling of a hoof poking her shoulder. She looked to see Applejack staring at her. She rubbed her temple and sat up from the table. “Yeah! Yeah. Just, give me a minute. I need some fresh air.” Before Celestia ran out the door, she hoofed Applejack a scroll of paper. Once Twilight’s striped tail slipped outside, Applejack started to read the precise script aloud to Granny smith. “Here is a summary of complaints from Golden Harvest as best as I understand.” That was about as far as she got before she scratched the back of her mane. “What in tarnation is, “an apparent abuse of diplomatic immunity? And what does that have to do with the EOH? What is the EOH?” *** Things were certainly not alright, as Celestia trotted out the front door. Her head was swimming with confusing memories with impossible points of view. Celestia was faced with herself again as the Summer Sun celebration was fast approaching. Celestia was asking her to organize things in Ponyville for the upcoming festivities. The memory replayed from both points of view; together, but distinctly different. She was both Twilight Sparkle and Celestia. Duo thoughts of that moment ran through her head. Why have me do something that has nothing to do with the magical arts? I am so overqualified for this. It’s ridiculous! Oh no! I’m questioning her methods! And I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying while I was freaking out about questioning her methods. There’s that face again. She’s probably wondering why I’m sending her to a small town to do such a menial task. There's the, ‘I was caught questioning my teacher’ face, followed by the, ‘oh no I was zoning out face.’ I’ll just give Spike a letter that explains everything. Celestia returned to the present. Wow, are all of my conversations with Twi-lestia like this? For the moment, the absurdity of simultaneous experiences had her laughing, instead of breaking down in hysterics. Maybe she actually was in hysterics, considering she had wandered all the way out to the barn mumbling to herself. Something big and red snapped her out of her thoughts head on. The thing happened to be Big Mac. He was completely blindsided by the small unicorn, but being so large he barely budged. Twilight rubbed at a sore spot on her horn as Big Mac helped her off of the ground. The two sat silently next to each other outside the barn, neither one willing to make eye contact. Apparently her crisis would need to be put on hold. “So, um—” “About back—” “Sorry, you go first!” They both said in unison. The two shared an awkward chuckle before Big Mac spoke. “I’m sorry ma family can be a bit nosy. Every time I happen to... It’s just, I mean, you're just.” Twilight looked over expectantly. Her ears perked in attention. This is the moment she didn’t even know she had been waiting for. Mac’s mouth quivered as he blushed. The way she looked all focused and eager only made his chest pound harder. “Yer just so darned cute! There! I said it. I understand... if you don’t like me that way, but...”  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Was what echoed through her head. Celestia vigorously shook her head and her ears flapped around a little. This isn’t me, or is it? She tried to push away memories of spying on Big Mac with her telescope as he worked the stall in the market. “No, it’s just not a good time. I have some things to work out first.” “You don’t need to sugarcoat it for me. You're smart, maybe a little too smart for your own good. Your funny, and sensitive, and brave too. But me? I’m just a big goof.” Celestia didn't know what to say. She just watched as Big Mac scribbled in the dust with one of his hooves. “What chance does a simple farmer like me have with Celestia’s student?” The question sounded more like a statement of defeat to her. “I’m not sugarcoating anything, Big Mac,” she said. Celestia gently lifted Big Mac’s chin to face her. “Your kind, hardworking, and honest like your sister. And don’t think I didn't see you practically murder that pie.” The words felt strangely natural, like they had been waiting to come out. “Thanks, but I’m not as honest as you think.” Big Mac reached for a small cloth sack from behind himself. His head barely fit in the opening, but he was able to withdraw a small tattered object. “I wanted to surprise you with it some day. I should’a givin this to you forever ago.” “SMARTY PANTS! You found him!” Celestia’s mind exploded with splendorous emotions. She could taste faint traces of apple pie before she even knew what she was doing. Big Mac’s eyes were wide as dinner plates and a pink tinge covered his red cheeks. “Oh, my, uh...” Celestia quickly removed her forehooves from around the large stallion and shoved the doll back in it’s bag. The unbearable radiation of memories from the doll seemed to relent. She pushed the sack in front of Big Mac’s quivering hooves. “Why don’t you take that back, and I’ll ask for it when I’m ready, to do stuff, with you.” Big Mac’s eyes started twitching and he looked about ready to faint. “Stuff, as in dating or something!” Celestia clarified. “I wasn’t thinking about secret basement experiments or something! You know what? I’m just going to be quiet now. Big Mac lost a bit of his stiffness, instead starting to fidget and look everywhere except at Twilight. With a simple “Yeap.” Big Mac scampered back into the farmhouse, obviously adamant about taking care of something. He appeared in the doorway once again, about ready to say something. Instead his lips just moved silently before he disappeared again. That was the most embarrassing thing I have done in two centuries. That was a terrible kiss, I sounded like a school filly, and he probably thinks I’m some sort of freak. Good thing Cadence wasn’t here. Celestia trotted around the back of the barn, where she let her body slide to the ground against the red painted wood. She could feel a major headache brewing. First Rarity, and now this? The last thing she needed during this identity crisis was confusing romantic emotions surrounding her friend's Big Brother. This time, visions of her spying on the stallion from the forest surrounding the farm were popping up in her mind. So to did a pro-con list of asking him on a date. ‘He’s a nice color’ was scratched out and replaced with ‘primary’ color. For whatever reason that was a pro. Celestia swatted herself in the face to clear her mind, which she quickly found was not conducive to headache relief. “Get a hold of yourself.” It was time to take stock of the situation! These memories are obviously Twilight’s. The memories seem to be triggered by certain stimuli. But what exactly are those stimuli? Celestia was so busy pacing that she missed the large bubble of electricity forming above a nearby haystack. Three ponies flopped onto the pile of straw and stumbled over to her side. “That is the last time we try the cliff method!” Sweetie Belle cried in her naggy shrill voice. “Well it seems safer than the manticore method,” Scootaloo protested. “Or the, ‘let the seriousness of our choices sink in and take responsibility for our actions’ method.” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo turned to Apple Bloom and the three thoroughly agreed. “Yeah, let’s never do that.” Celestia just stood there until the three finally took notice. It was obvious they wanted to tell her something important, but they were busy arguing who should tell her. Sweetie Belle argued that she was the one who had to do the time travel spell. Apple Bloom argued that they were at her property. Celestia sighed deeply and rubbed her temple with a hoof. “Girls I know you've come a long way, when, to tell me something, but I don’t really have time—” “Duh, that’s why we came to tell you that you didn’t just switch minds with Twilight,” Scootaloo interrupted. The other girls grumbled about losing their turn. Celestia nodded. “Yeah, it’s like her memories have overwritten some of mine. And it seems like strong emotional triggers for Twilight or thoughts of the past make it worse!” Celestia shouted throwing her hooves in the air. “Dang it! She already figured it out. I knew we didn’t go back far enough,” Appleboom cursed. “Well at least we can tell you that it only affects the first 23 years of your life and the emotional outbursts you get are from having Twilight’s memories replace your childhood.” “Oh, that makes a lot of sense. I can remember bits of my actual childhood because I’m remembering times I recalled my past, post that 23 year mark when Twilight and I switched bodies.” Somehow, having this all explained by time traveling fillies helped calm Celestia down quite a bit.  “Right, so our work here is done,” Sweetie Belle said urgently before nudging the others to make a break for it. It was too late, they were already floating in a light red aura. “Nah ah ah. I have some questions for you three.” The trio swallowed a lump in their throat. “You've been using adrenaline to scare Sweetie Belle into performing the time spell, haven't you?” “Uh, no?” Scootaloo said unconvincingly. Celestia used her stern face number ten. “I mean it takes a little bit more more magic than that for three ponies.” “How much more?” Celestia prompted. “Apparently like twelve?”  “Twelve... what?” Celestia gestured for Scootaloo to elaborate. “Twelve times sweetie’s normal magic when she’s maxed out,” Scootaloo said as fast as she could, hoping Celestia wouldn’t catch it. When Celestia just stared coldly at the little pegasus, Scootaloo took that as her cue to continue. “Well, remember that portal Twilight never closed? Or I guess you never closed. This shop owner, who was friends with this other shop owner, from a place called Summoner’s Rift, sold us this Needlessly Large Rod for just five hundred bits.” Where did three foals even get five hundred bits? It couldn’t be allowance money, or could it? Celestia’s ground her teeth, which she realized were probably more worn than they should be at Twilight’s age. When Twilight’s ears and right eye started twitching, The Crusaders wondered if they had a broken unicorn on their hands. “You just, you just,” Celestia stuttered, “You just walked into a portal, found a complete stranger selling magical oddities, and handed him hundreds of bits for an unknown magical artifact?!” “It turns out that our bits are way more valuable than their gold.” Sweetie chimed in, hoping that her winning smile and huge savings would lighten their punishment. Celestia took a deep breath. “So where is this Rod now?” “Oh, it’s probably at the bottom of the waterfall in Canterlot where we jumped off to scare Sweetie Belle into doing the time spell.” Apple Bloom paused. “Well I guess technically it will be there next Tuesday.” “So nevermind that you left an enormously powerful magical artifact at the base of my castle for anypony to find, how are are you still here? The time spell should have ripped you back to your present by now.” "Oh that’s an easy one. When we jumped too far ahead to the end of Equestria, mhmhm, Starlight Glimmmhmr—" “And Apple Bloom isn’t allowed to talk anymore, heh, heh,” Sweetie Belle said as she held her hoof over the yellow fillie’s pie hole. “You aren't supposed to know about any of that yet. Just know that if you don’t find a way to switch you two back soon, it will be the first end of equestria as you, well, this you, knows it.” “Well you shouldn’t be meddling with time! If you don’t tell me exactly what’s happening, I could just take you over to Applejack right now. I’m sure your other sisters would come right over if they heard all the irresponsible stuff you three have been up to? So go back to when you came.” The Crusaders looked at each other in their floating cloud of magic. “We’d love to go back, but Sweetie Belle has kinda gotten too used to being thrown off cliffs, chased by wild animals, and stuff. Besides if we went back now we’d finish the fall off of Canterlot and probably die hitting the water at terminal velocity,” Scootaloo said mater-o-factly. “We could just tell the others who you really are,” Apple Bloom threatened. Celestia’s legs stiffened. “You, wouldn’t, dare,” she whispered. The gall of children these days.  “You're the one who taught a little filly how to time travel,” Sweetie Bell added. “Yeah, we're just kids. What’s your excuse?” Scootaloo said. “Uhh...” Bested by children once more? The sound of the farmhouse door creaking open interrupted the quartet. “Hey Twi? Are ya still mopin’ behind the barn? You ain’t talking to yerself again are ya?” The fear of appearing halfway down Canterlot Falls plummeting to their doom seemed better than facing the Element of Honesty. The Crusaders must have thought the same, considering, they were running in circles screaming in little whispers. Celestia performed another double facehoof that day. “Fine, go. I’m going to sit here and rethink my life. You know, except for the Twilight parts.” “But how—” Sweetie Belle’s question was cut off as Celestia sent the Crusaders back to whence they came. The green flash and static left by the time travel spell dissipated just in time for Applejack to poke her head around the corner of the barn, where she found a lone Twilight Sparkle, with the oddest frizzy hairstyle. Celestia's biggest relief were the wards she had placed at the lake below Canterlot centuries ago, designed to slow the fall of unfortunate ponies who got caught in the water falls. What kind of careless ruler just had open waterways of death filled with jagged rocks at at the bottom of her castle? Applejack set a hoof on Celestia's shoulder. “Twi, were gonna be late for that meeting at Rainbow’s house.” “Oh, yeah, right! I don’t want to be late!” Applejack watched as her unicorn friend trotted towards town. You may wana to be late this time,Twilight. *** To be continued...