//------------------------------//
// Act 1 
// Story: An Embarrasment In Three Acts 
// by Void Knight 
//------------------------------//

Becoming a Knight Of The Realm took some getting used to. Carrot Top knew she wasn’t and never again could be just a simple carrot farmer, and she could handle that most of the time. But every now and again, she had one of those moments where it suddenly smacked her in the face just how much her life had changed since the return of the Tyrant Sun.

She had just had one such moment. She had been halfway through her carrot-and-raisin salad (apparently one of La Commedia Della Luna’s customs was to have the dinner menu be somehow connected to the play, which in this case meant that they were serving, among other things, the carrot-and-raisin salad, carrot muffins, and carrot casserole that Carrot Top had presented for the Great Equestria Farming Competition and that the special drink for the night was the one Trixie had assembled just before upending the Grand Galloping Gala), and had glanced up to see Princess Luna sitting two tables down, gazing out over the theater.

And for some reason, it was at that exact moment that it was born in on her once again just how much her life had changed. Not a year earlier, she had been just a humble carrot farmer, striving desperately to keep her head above water in a town dominated by the titanic Apple Trust. Now she was a Knight of the Realm, someone who had plays written about her, who got the best seats in the theater for free, who sat just two tables down from the Princess Of The Moon.

“You ok, Carrots?” asked Lyra.

“Fine,” said Carrot Top, blinking and shaking her head slightly. “Just reflecting on how weird it feels to be here.”

“I know what you mean,” piped up Written Script.

“You know, dear,” said Bonbon to Lyra, “There’s something I’ve been wondering. Why does one of Canterlot’s top theaters have a Cavallian name?”

Carrot Top’s ears perked up. She’d been wondering the same thing.

“It’s actually pretty simple,” replied Lyra. “La Commedia Della Luna was a present to Luna from Princess Cadenza.”

“Wait, what?” asked Bonbon. “How the buck do you give a theater as a present? Did she carry it up from Cavallia wrapped up in a really big bow?”

Lyra giggled. “Ok, so the original La Commedia, the theater this one is modeled on, is a Cavallian institution, one of the most prestigious theaters in Roam. Dates way back, almost to the beginning of the Lunar Era. Princess Luna’s always appreciated the arts, and whenever she visited Cavallia she would try to take the time to visit La Commedia. So about five hundred years ago, Candenza paid a huge sum for a copy of it to be built up here in Canterlot and staffed by some of the best actors in Roam. And so we got La Commedia Della Luna.”

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“Why am I being played by a stallion?” Raindrops asked nopony in particular, gesturing towards her program.

“It’s not actually that uncommon,” replied Cherilee, grateful for a distraction from Sweetie Belle’s adoring gaze. Promising her second ticket to whichever of her foals wrote the best essay that week had seemed like a good idea… until she found out just how much effort Sweetie Belle was putting into winning it. The little filly might not be as over her crush as she’d thought.

“La Commedia Della Luna only has so many actors,” she continued, “and this play has a lot of mare parts and not a lot of stallions. I’m actually surprised that they managed to have five of us be played by mares.”

“Actually,” she continued, glancing down at the program, “It looks like they had to bring in some extra help. Wonder why they picked Cherry Blossom to play me. I used to know her, and she definitely didn’t work in this kind of theatre.” She concealed a blush as she recalled just exactly what kind of theatre that mare had worked in.

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“Oh, lucky girl,” said Trixie to Ditzy with a grin. “You’ve got Mocking Jay. She’s good.”

“Huh?” asked Ditzy through a mouthful of carrot muffins, not quite sure what Trixie meant. 

Trixie flipped her program around and highlighted an image of a pegasus pony with a cobalt-blue coat (one almost the same shade as Princess Luna’s, actually), a glossy black mane, and what looked like a golden songbird in flight emblazoned on her flank.

“The pony playing you,” Trixie continued. “One of the best actors in the business. Her special talent’s impersonating voices.”

“Cool!” chimed in Dinky, as she finished her third carrot muffin of the evening. Her eyes suddenly went wide. “Do you think I can get her autograph! It would be so awesome to have the autograph of the pony that played my Mom.” 

As Ditzy took a bite of her salad, she remembered a question she'd had. 

"Trixie, what did you say they put in this salad dressing again?"

"Papaya, tomato, molasses, and mayonnaise," replied Trixie, licking her lips. "Delicious, isn't it?"

"Bizarrely enough, it is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The theater fell dark. Dame Trixie focused on the stage in front of her. From nowhere, a voice spoke.

“Once upon a time, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the elder sister used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects: all the different types of ponies. Ponykind had no need to fear the sun.” A subtle emphasis was placed on the last sentence, drawing the audience into the impossible vision of a world where the sun meant not fear and fire, but life and light.

“But as time went on, the elder sister grew greedy. Though the ponies relished and played in the day and honored her above her younger sister, she wanted to become queen of both night and day. One fateful day, she turned upon her younger sister. The younger sister tried to reason with her, but the avarice in the elder one’s heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of fire and hate: Corona. She vowed that she would reign forever over day, night, and everything in between.

“Reluctantly, the younger sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Harmony! Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her elder sister and banished her into the heart of the sun, there to remain bound for all eternity.”

There was a momentary pause, then the narrator spoke one last line. “And then eternity ended.”

The curtains drew apart to reveal a gorgeously illuminated stage. Trixie stared for a moment, and then buried her head in her hooves. For the background of the scene was unmistakably a gorgeous ice palace, one that the Luna of the play was just putting the finishing touches on.

Beside her the real Luna chuckled.

Trixie raised her head just in time to see… herself come on stage. The fact that her doppelganger was levitating a large, mostly-empty bottle of bourbon was no surprise. Embarrassing, but no surprise. After all, she had been drunk at the time. But… what the buck was she doing cuddling up to Lyra like that?

“Voici, mon amour! Un palais de glace! Mais il est pas aussi beau que vos flancs d'émeraude.”

Trixie’s jaw dropped. She wasn’t sure how much of the audience spoke Prench, but she certainly did. What her doppelganger just said was not the sort of thing one said to a friend. And then… Oh dear Luna, she and Lyra were kissing! And not just a chaste kiss on the cheek, but full sloppy Prench kisses.

Trixie finally managed to wrench herself away from the spectacle. Her face was burning, her mind racing, and she was suddenly incredibly conscious that Lyra was sitting right there at the next table.

Did Lulamoon really do all that? I could have sworn that I remembered that night better than that. And I don’t think even Lulamoon would get quite that… well, that. Besides, why the buck would Lyra be going along with this? I’ve seen her get drunk before, and she doesn’t go off and throw herself at random mares… Oh Luna, what now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra had thrown one leg over her Bonnie’s withers as soon as she’d spotted “herself” cuddling up to Trixie. For all she loved her, even she couldn’t deny that Bonbon had a temper, one that had on a few previous occasions (most notably a certain incident involving an invisible bear) exploded into violence. It wasn’t as though she could actually hold down her marefriend, of course. Even leaving aside Bonbon’s earth magic, she out-massed and out-muscled Lyra. But the contact seemed to quiet Bonbon, remind her that whatever nonsense might parade on the stage, the real Lyra still loved her and only her.

And then stage Lyra spoke again, and Lyra found that she needed Bonbon’s touch just as much as Bonbon needed hers.

“Allow me to serenade you upon my harp,” said stage Lyra, before beginning to sing.

“My love has eyes like midnight stars
Her coat is like the evening sky
She shakes her luscious rump at me
Behold, I feel like I could fly”
 
I could do better than that, thought Lyra indignantly. It hardly even rhymes. And where is this “harp” thing coming from? Does it look like it’s large enough to have to straddle? No I think not! Because it's a LYRE! Lyre! Lyre! Lyre! It’s in my bucking name! Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Bonbon looking at her weirdly. “Did I say that out loud?” she whispered.

“Say what out loud?” whispered Bonbon back. They were both interrupted by the play.

“Et maintenant, ce feu d'artifice brûlera aussi brillamment que notre amour incandescent,” shouted stage Trixie. And with that, she touched the tip of her horn to the bourbon bottle. There was a hissing noise and a great deal of sparks, and Lyra suddenly knew exactly what was going to happen.

Sure enough, the bottle of bourbon shot across the stage, gushing sparks and fire, to shatter against the ice castle. There was a tremendous boom and a flash of flame and a massive shower of water fell from the rafters, drenching the actors.

“TRIXIE LULAMOON!!!” The Luna of the play actually made a decent shot at the Royal Canterlot Voice. Not quite the same volume or intensity as the real thing, but pretty close.

“YOU HAVE RUINED OUR BEAUTIFUL ICE PALACE! YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED FOR SUCH FOLLY!”

Stage Luna’s mane had gone starless, her eyes were glowing blue-white, and traces of cobalt smoke fumed from her nostrils. Stage Trixie was cowering away from her, and stage Lyra was… throwing herself at Luna’s feet.

“Please, Your Majesty, don’t hurt Trixie! She was just trying to impress me, and I love her! Please, don’t send her to the Sun! Or if you do, at least send me there with her!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trixie glanced at the real Luna out of the corner of her eye, part of her wishing that the Princess would banish her to the sun. Surely being imprisoned in Corona’s demesne couldn’t be as bad as having to sit through this with the real Lyra and Bonbon not even ten paces away.

Trixie wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or angry at the note of resigned amusement on the Princess’s face. It was nice that Luna didn’t seem to be taking the absurd play seriously, but Trixie did wish a little that Luna might be inclined to banish Double Dash to the sun for writing such rubbish.

Stage Luna didn’t seem to be paying attention to stage Lyra’s pleas, and was now thinking out loud. “Hmm… we don’t have any vacancies in the Griffon embassies at the moment… Aha, we have it!” She shifted back to the Royal Canterlot Voice. “TRIXIE LULAMOON, THOU SHALT BE BANISHED TO THE TOWN OF PONYVILLE. MAYHAP AFTER A FEW YEARS AS THEIR REPRESENTATIVE, THOU SHALT HAVE LEARNT TO PAY HEED TO WHAT THOU ART DOING!”

“Noooooooooo!!!!” The joint scream of anguish from stage Lyra and stage Trixie went on and on and bored into Trixie’s ears like needles. Then the lights went out and the scenery changed.

The new scene was presumably supposed to be Ponyville. Off on one side of the stage was what could only be The Official Residency of the Representative of the Night Court of Luna. Stage Trixe was holding a piece of paper in her aura.

“A letter from my predecessor,” she announced to stage Lyra. “Hopefully there will be some useful information.”

A stallion’s voice began to speak from nowhere, evidently narrating the letter.

“To Representative Trixie Lulamoon:

I am given to understand that you shall be my successor to the position of Representative of the Night Court of Luna to Ponyville….”

Trixie realized something important. Wait a minute, how’d anypony know what the letter said? I’m not 100% sure, but I think he’s reciting it word-perfect. Did this Double Dash track the letter down and dig it out of the landfill? Or was there another copy of it somewhere? And how could anypony care enough to track down the exact wording of the letter, but not care enough to realize that I’m not and never was and never will be romantically involved with Lyra? Oh wait, he’s wrapping up.

Still, if the tedium becomes too much to bear…”

Stage Trixie began to speak up again.  “Our fate is just as dire as we feared, my beloved. Nonetheless, all is not yet lost. We have one chance to get back to Canterlot. Ponyville has been chosen to host the Longest Night festival, and as Representative I will be responsible for arranging the festivities. If the Princess is sufficiently impressed by our work, she may feel that I’ve demonstrated my competence and release me from this exile, or at least shorten its duration.”

“So what do we do first?” asked stage Lyra.

“First, I think we shall investigate the status of the provisioning for the festival. Hmm… according to this map, there is a major Apple Trust strongpoint just outside of town. If we hurry, we should be able to reach this ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ before the noonday is upon us.”

The two of them set out across the stage. They had nearly reached the other side when there was a noise like a thunderclap and a flash of light from offstage. A moment later, a mare with a fire-orange coat and long curly green hair came trotting onto the stage.

“Hello,” she called. “You must be new in town. I’m Carrot Top.”

“Trixie Lulamoon, Representative of the Night Court of Luna to Ponyville” replied stage Trixie. “And this is my marefriend, Lyra.”

“Pleased to meet you,” said stage Carrot Top cheerfully. Abruptly, a flash of light shot from her eyes, and something on the other side of the stage exploded in a puff of smoke.

“Sorry about that,” said Stage Carrot Top, looking slightly embarrassed. “Fluttering Posey’s animal minions keep trying to steal my carrots. I think I might have winged that sun-spawned rabbit this time.”

Trixie felt like she’d swallowed her tongue. Where had that come from? And, oh dear merciful Luna, she’d seen Fragrant Posey in the audience earlier. It was only a few months ago that she’d convinced Fragrant that she wasn’t trying to torment poor Fluttershy. She was never going to believe that Trixie was just as gobsmacked as she was.

On the stage, Carrot Top, Trixie, and Lyra were talking about the Apple Trust’s monopoly on Longest Night concessions, and stage Lyra had just referred to her lyre as a harp again. And Prench kissed stage Trixie. Trixie was beginning to seriously wonder if it was actually possible to die from sheer embarrassment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dame Ditzy Doo was beginning to get worried. From her position between Trixie and Lyra in the seating, she could clearly see either of them out of whichever eye wasn’t on the stage, and neither appeared to be doing too well. Lyra was clinging to Bonbon and kept mouthing something inaudible over and over again. Bonbon, meanwhile, was literally quivering with anger and looked as if she might go deck the actor if Lyra let go of her. On her other side, Trixie kept alternating between blushes that stained her coat almost to purple and a terror-induced pallor that made her look like she was going to pass out.

After the scene with the Apples, stage Trixie and stage Lyra had left the set and then reappeared from a different angle.  Evidently they were supposed to be back in the town square. Stage Trixie addressed Stage Lyra. “I will need to make this next visit on my own, mon amour. There is secret government business involved.”

“Fine with me,” said stage Lyra, taking a seat in the middle of the faux town square. “I’ll practice my harp. Might make a few bits while I’m at it.”

Ditzy winced. She’d seen how Lyra got when someone referred to her lyre as a harp, and this actor had done it at least half a dozen times already.

Stage Trixie disappeared through one of the setting doors. The other side was suddenly illuminated, revealing the actors playing Ditzy and Dinky.

“Greetings,” said stage Trixie, “I am Trixie Lulamoon, Representative of the Night Court of Luna to Ponyville and personal student of the Princess.” She produced a sheaf of papers from under her hat, and showed them to stage Ditzy. It was at about this point that Ditzy noticed that despite having the correct mane and coat color and even the correct cutie mark, Mocking Jay’s glamoured appearance still differed from hers in one particular: her eyes were correctly aligned.

Well, I can’t blame them for that. Probably not possible to make her eyes look like they’re out of alignment without blinding her or something. Trixie’d probably know, but she’s got her own problems to deal with.  

Stage Ditzy spoke up. “Dinky, go play upstairs for a bit, ok? Representative Lulamoon and I need to talk about grown-up things.”

Stage Dinky obediently disappeared off the stage. “My little sister, Dinky Doo,” explained stage Ditzy. “Still a bit too young to be told about my… alternate career.”

What?

“So you are the local Shadowbolt agent,” said stage Trixie.

What.

“Yes ma’am,” said stage Ditzy, now speaking with the clipped precision of a trained soldier or watchpony. Trixie was right, Mocking Jay was good at voices. “Nothing of note to report.”

“Very good. I won’t bother you further at this point. Thank you for your service.”

“You’re welcome, ma’am”, replied stage Ditzy as stage Trixie headed back out into the town square.

Ok, where in all Equestria did that come from? A Shadowbolt? Is this some kind of attempt to make me look better? That would explain Dinky, too. Of course the Canterlot audience wouldn’t believe an adulteress could be the Element of Kindness. I didn’t believe it at first. But why bother making me look better when they’re making such a hash of the rest of us?  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By this point, Trixie was starting to feel numb. She’d kissed Lyra and sung love ballads to her, Carrot Top had laser vision, Ditzy was a Shadowbolt, Dinky was Ditzy’s sister, and Lyra kept calling her instrument a harp. What else could this play distort?

As if in answer to her question, a jasmine-hued blur shot onto the stage and slammed into Trixie, knocking her flat and resolving into stage Raindrops.

“What do you think you’re doing?” shrieked stage Lyra.

“Raindrops Smash!” proclaimed stage Raindrops.

“What?” replied stage Lyra.

“Raindrops Smash. Rainbow Weather Captain say Raindrops smash bad clouds while Rainbow Weather Captain take nap. Rainbow Weather Captain also say tell Blue Night Court Pony that bad clouds be smashed.”

“And what part of that requires that you knock me flat on the pavement?” asked stage Trixie, picking herself up off the ground.

“Raindrops sorry about that. Raindrops forget to stop sometimes when Raindrops in a hurry.”

And stage Raindrops took to the skies again and flew offstage.

“I am becoming increasingly determined to do whatever is necessary to escape Ponyville,” remarked stage Trixie. “Now, what was next on my checklist? Ah, decorations. I believe a Madam Cherry is in charge of those...”

And at that cue, a new portion of the stage illuminated, revealing a pony clad in a stretchy black catsuit and holding a hoofful of letters.

“Ok, now I have Blueblood’s notes, so there’s nothing to connect me to the Organization. Good. Be nice to go 100% respectable and just be a school teacher, without having to worry about the Representative revealing my… previous careers. Hmm… maybe I’ll treat myself to a nice stallion or two for pulling this off. Maybe Raindrops. That pony’s got nearly as much stamina as an earth pony, and the things a pegasus stallion can do with his wings...”

There was a rapping as Stage Trixie knocked on the door. Stage Cherilee made an odd squeaking noise, hurriedly ripped off the catsuit, and stuffed it and the letters under a nearby chair. Then she went to open the door.

“Hello?” she said breathily.

“Greetings,” replied stage Trixie. “I am Trixie Lulamoon, Representative of the Night Court of Luna to Ponyville. I understand that you have been tasked with handling the decorations for the upcoming Longest Night celebration?”

“Oh, yes,” replied stage Cherilee, “my little ponies have been most enthusiastic in their work. I’ve probably got enough decorations to cover all Ponyville.”

“Wait, ‘your little ponies’?” asked stage Trixie. “I thought you were the schoolteacher.”

“I am,” replied stage Cherilee, looking confused.

“So you had your students make the decorations?”

“Of course! The Princess loves foals, I’m sure she’ll appreciate  their artistic skills.”

Stage Trixie stared for a minute and then shook her head and closed the door.

“I’m doomed,” she said to stage Lyra conversationally. “Princess Luna  is going to come to the Longest Night Celebration and find six stalls selling only apples, the walls covered with foalish doodles, the weather being run by an idiot who will probably buck a cloudfull of lightning straight into the Princess’s horn, and me there in the middle of it all ripe for the blaming. I will be lucky to be stuck here instead of getting banished to the griffin embassies. Or the sun. What am I going to do, my love?”

Stage Lyra gave stage Trixie a surprisingly tender hug, and for the first time the real Trixie wished it actually was her. She could use a hug like that right about now.

“Come to bed, m’love,” said stage Lyra. “Let’s forget about all our troubles for the night, and just be Trixie and Lyra, two mares in love. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

The curtains closed, and the theater lights came up.

Trixie jolted to her feet, and was unsurprised to see that most of her friends had done so as well.

“Let’s go outside,” said Trixie hurriedly. “Easier to talk out there with fewer other ponies around.”

“I need to use the little filly’s room,” said Dinky.

“Me too,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Go, then,” said Cheerilee, absently.

The small herd of Elements trotted out into the cool night, accompanied by Bonbon, Pokey, and Written Script.

Well, this is going to be awkward…