//------------------------------// // Conversation 21: Spike // Story: Aporia // by Oliver //------------------------------// I don’t know a thing about bachelor parties. Everypony agreed that I should be the one to host it, since I’m, like, Twilight’s guy representative or something, but nopony could explain what a bachelor party is and how they work. I think none of them knew for sure except Pinkie, who tried to explain, and that went about as well as you’d expect. I didn’t understand anything beyond jumping out of a cake, and that’s got to be just Pinkie being Pinkie, jumping into and out of cakes is kinda her thing. Twilight found out that Princess Luna’s leaving the city for a patrol very soon – something really must be up, with all that security and the shield and stuff – so she ran off, leaving me alone with Mary and the bachelor party problem. I considered asking Mary. She’s good at explaining things, if you don’t fall asleep along the way. It is supposed to be a guy thing, but she’s bound to know something I could use, guys got to be guys in any world. But with that new dress, she easily succeeded in getting completely lost the moment I looked away. There might be an unarmored Royal Guard trailing her somewhere, but these guys are even better at hiding in plain sight than she is, cause they don’t tower over everypony, so I’m stuck. Most of the time she was in school, Twilight would actually delegate anything that had to do with parties to me as much as she could. I’d make excuses why she couldn’t go, I’d pick the gifts when no excuse would work, and usually, everypony was happy and told me we did good enough. I wonder why she never got invited to any bachelor parties. Are they so much of a guy thing that girls are not welcome? But since I don’t know, I need to ask a different question. What would Twilight do? She’d find a book and then do everything the book said, by the numbers. But I heard what happened the last time she learned about a party from a book, that’s way too risky. What would she do if there was no book? Ask a bachelor, of course. I’m not exactly sure what the word even means, really, cause the way they say it, it can’t just mean an unmarried stallion. But I know one guy everypony says is a bachelor, and he’s famous for it. He’s “the most eligible bachelor in Canterlot.” Too bad I’m not talking to him anymore. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice behind my right ear, “Hello, Spike! Fancy meeting you here!” I turned around and breathed out the biggest flame I could manage, hoping to singe the bastard, at least. He ducked out of the way, and it didn’t even wipe the smug smile off his face. “Oh, it’s you, Blueblood. Sorry about that, I’m having a bit of indigestion,” I smiled sweetly, showing off as many teeth as I even have. I have a lot. They’re pretty sharp and harder than diamond. Pony Joe glared at me across the counter, but didn’t say anything. “They say biting a prince helps. What are you even doing here? I thought donuts were too common for you.” “What are you talking about?” he grinned, as if everything was perfectly normal. “They’re fit for a princess, they have to be fit for a prince, right? Pony Joe here was on the winning team for the National Dessert Competition,” he added, waving a hoof in Joe’s direction. “A cup of joe and one of your best donuts, if you please. Extra sprinkles!” “That’s not what you said about Applejack’s food,” I hissed. Really, the nerve of this guy, what do I have to do to make him get the message, bite his leg?! “I really must apologize for that when a chance presents itself,” Blueblood commented, climbing up onto the bar stool next to me and leisurely catching his coffee that Joe slid towards him from the other end of the bar. “That mare, misguided as she was, makes an excellent apple fritter.” “Give me one reason I shouldn’t just bite your horn off for what you did to Rarity,” I growled. It was… I don’t know what it was. I always knew Blueblood was kind of a jerk and a snob. Hardly anypony expects a prince not to be, and nopony actually hated him for it. At worst, he was annoying. At best, he somehow managed to make it all look excusable and even charming. Like, here I am, I’m a prince, you’re all common ponies, and you’re all so fascinating… Really, that’s something he said once. I don’t know every detail, because Rarity refused to ever speak of it, but word gets around, and what he did to Rarity is really beyond words. Or beyond what I thought I knew about him. “That mare deserved every bit of it, for what she has done to you,” Blueblood smiled at me and took a sip of his coffee while watching my face. I bet my face was especially indescribable at this point. “It would only be proper if you detest me for it, but while it saddens me, the solidarity of males of all species is worth it,” he continued. “‘Bros before horses,’ as a more common pony would say, and I couldn’t put it any more succinctly.” I choked for words. Then I tried to pretend I can’t speak by biting into a donut, but Blueblood just smiled wider and bit his own donut, which kinda shot this idea down. I washed the donut down with a sip of my cocoa, which he also matched. “Explain,” I finally spat out, slamming my cup on the counter. “Well, look at it from my perspective,” Blueblood started, waving his donut in the air. “Here I have a promising youth of good family, of rare and noble species, smitten head over heels with a small town modiste, who, beyond beauty and taste, really has no virtue to her name, or at least, no virtue he can describe.” “So I’m not very good with words—” I started. I’m kinda not supposed to blub about how she saved Equestria a couple of times or that she’s the Element of Generosity, so what could I tell him?! That’s not why I like Rarity, anyway! “Don’t interrupt, Spike,” Blueblood pressed, “You wanted me to explain, so let me finish, you can bite my horn off later. Now, that modiste, being perfectly aware of his affection—” He must have noticed my expression, because he made a pause, “Yes, perfectly aware, you asked me for the advice and not your stepbrother, because you know I know these things, so trust me on this—” Well, gotta give him that, I did ask him. When it comes to girls, Shining Armor is the first to admit he’s a card-carrying dork. How’d he manage to hitch a princess is still beyond me, and I bet that her being Twilight’s favorite foalsitter had something to do with it. “—Neither accepts it nor rejects it straight like a proper lady should, and in fact, never even acknowledges it exists. Instead, she exploits it every chance she gets, makes him do every demeaning chore she can find, and to add injury to insult, uses him for a pin cushion,” Blueblood concluded, slamming his own cup onto the counter and earning another stare from Pony Joe, which he ignored. “It takes more than a needle to get through my scales,” I insisted. “I’m not done!” Blueblood exclaimed. “Then, this youth confides in me, that this lady has secured an invitation to the most important high society event of the year, with no other purpose but to solicit my attention.” The way he said it would crack me up if I didn’t understand he really is serious. “In the preposterous assumption that I will be so smitten by her beauty alone, that she will marry me and become a princess before the year’s out. And the favor that this youth seeks of me is just to show her a good time.” It does kind of sound weird when he puts it that way… But I just wanted Rarity to be happy. “Well, I’ll have you know, Spike, I meet mares like that every day. Usually, it’s not a big deal,” Blueblood grinned. I didn’t think anypony but Rainbow Dash and Pinkie could make faces quite like that. Not a princely face. Bit of a scary face. “But those that also treat my friends like dirt, these get shown the best time I can possibly manage, a time they will not soon forget! I must give her credit, she was stubborn as a mule and my reputation certainly suffered, but I still say it was worth it!” I didn’t know what to say to that, and for a while we sat there in silence. I can’t just forgive him, he won’t even apologize, but I can’t say I don’t see his point, either. I feel he’s wrong, but I can’t prove it! Argh! Why do adults have to make everything so complicated?! “Why do you even care?” I finally asked. “I might not be old enough to understand the whole thing, sure, let’s go with that. But I know, I’m not that much of your friend. Everypony is a commoner to you. Except a prince or a princess. You know what I mean.” Blueblood swished the coffee in his cup thoughtfully. “Did anypony ever tell you where your egg came from?” “What do you mean, where?” I asked. “Twilight hatched me during the school entrance exam, everypony knows that!” I mean, that’s the first question that they ask when they wonder what’s a dragon doing here. I think I had to tell the story to half the city by now. “No, that’s where you came from,” Blueblood corrected. “The eggs are usually laid, I’m told. If Twilight Sparkle laid your egg as well, that would be a feat famous through the ages.” “All I know, it was a test,” I shrugged. “It was a trick test,” Blueblood said. “The idea was to see if the applicant is able to correctly gauge how much magic will it take to hatch it, and admit that they aren’t able to do it,” he added, a smug grin sliding across his face. “Beginners stand no chance. Even master wizards couldn’t hatch it.” “Wow.” I knew Twilight is the strongest unicorn since forever, that’s not news. But I didn’t know that when she hatched me, it was supposed to be impossible. “Indeed,” Blueblood agreed, “and here’s a thing. You’re the only dragon in Canterlot. Very few dragons even live within the borders of Equestria, and nopony knows much of anything about the dragon society. Certainly not enough to acquire an egg for a trick test in a magic school. Which is why, since you were hatched, they don’t have that test anymore.” “Quit beating around the bush and spit it out,” I insisted. “You think you know something!” “There’s a legend…” Blueblood agreed, “that a long time ago, when Equestria was still young and the ink on the Accords was barely dry, even before Discord, in the time of fairytales, there was a war with dragons. One, you can imagine, Celestia won.” “Like the first Griffon War and the wars with the Diamond Dogs, sure,” I nodded. “The legend further says, that Celestia did arrange a lasting peace, that no Dragon Lord dared to break ever since,” Blueblood continued. “As was the dragon custom, they exchanged hostages. A scion of a royal house was to be given over to the dragons, to live among them as one of their own, just as a dragon of high birth was to live in Equestria as one of our own. But they didn’t have a prince to give. Instead, they gave an unhatched egg, which, to them, was the same.” That was a lot to take in. “And you think that was… my egg?” I wondered. Dragon Prince Spike? Has a nice ring to it… “I’m willing to give you the benefit of a doubt,” Blueblood grinned. “There aren’t a lot of princes left in Equestria. I’d rather be friends with the ones that still remain.” “How’d you even know that?” I asked. “I’m sure there isn’t anything like that in Twilight’s history books.” While she was looking for the origins of the sandwich, she chewed through everything we had at least three times, and anything that concerns dragons kinda does stick around in your head. “It’s a family legend,” Blueblood explained. “They say that the scion of the royal house given to the dragons was my ancestor. Eventually, the dragons gave him back, but the egg remained in Equestria. I’m not even sure if it’s true, but why not.” He chomped down the rest of his donut and addressed Pony Joe, “Could I trouble you for another donut, my good man?” …Damn that Blueblood. He somehow always manages to make you sorry you were angry with him. Even while you’re still angry with him! Might as well get him to do something useful for all my suffering. “…Tell me, Blueblood, are you the most eligible bachelor in Canterlot?” I asked. “So they say,” he admitted, licking his lips and eyeing the second donut, held in the glow of his magic. “So you know everything about bachelor parties, right?” I prodded. “I have attended a good number in my time. What’s this about?” he glanced at me. “Twilight Sparkle saddled you with organizing the bachelor party for your stepbrother? You need help, I presume?” “If you’d be so kind,” I smiled. “Well,” Blueblood started with a grin, “First, we need to secure a venue with just an appropriate amount of shadiness, and arrange for a cake…” “…Any particular kind?” I asked, rolling out a scroll and preparing to take notes. “The kind somepony will be jumping out of, of course.” Huh.