For a while, Chrysalis wouldn’t stop talking about bodily fluids. It was just fluids this, fluids that. Drone, fetch me some fluids. Yes, these are particularly useful fluids. She droned on and on…
Heh, droned. Spike chuckled at his own joke, making the nymphs on his back leap into the air in fright.
Now, however, the only sound Chrysalis made was a snore like a buzzsaw greased with honey. “Uh, Chrysalis? You alright?” He tried to face her, but she was so wrapped up in his wings, he couldn’t find her.
One of the changelings answered him. “The queen sleeps.” Expertly, he maneuvered past the folds of Spike’s skin, hefting scales above him as he pushed through to the drooling queen. Little ribbons of spittle dripped from her open mouth, teeth bared in a lazy grin.
The drone skittered over to her, making sure her oily belly rose and fell calmly. A hoof checked her temperature. “She slumbers soundly, for the first time in many moons.”
Spike lowered his voice. Since she was pressing against his belly, it was hard not to wake her. “That’s great. Listen, I…”
“She has not slept this well since the time she gorged herself on orphans’ love.” The drone looked wistful as he remembered that glorious raid. “She was like a little nymph, so satisfied with the…”
A gentle push with the spur on Spike’s wing cut the drone off. “Ooookay, not really helping me convince Celestia she’s redeemable. I need to go to Twilight’s castle now, so do you think you guys could, um, handle her?”
The drone nodded. “We will watch over our queen.” A quartet of changelings crawled from between Spike’s spines, lifting Chrysalis on their backs and toting her free of the dragon’s encircling wings.
If he tilted his ears just right he could hear her mumble in her sleep. “Oh, yes, Celestia… hrrgk was a changeling all along… all part of my snnrrk master plan…” She turned over, drones hastily scuttling around to form a pillow for her.
Spike slithered across the floor, no easy feat given the thick carpet of writhing changelings that covered it. He didn’t know where they’d all come from—though now that he thought of it, Chrysalis did seem like she was a little pregnant when she first arrived.
Once he had passed over the last of them and clambered through the entranceway, he stood for a moment in the sunlight. His scales, freshly licked by the nymphs, shimmered like emeralds—though that was partially because they were covered in emerald dust.
Spike would have to give Twilight some lessons in controlling her booty before he used that magic again.
Rising thermals buoyed his wings open, a resolute surge lifting him into the air. He followed the current northward, scales slicing through the Badlands dust storm. Wind rippled past his spines, sounding almost musical. Almost like screams, actually. Like there was somepony—
“Oh, whoops. Sorry, I thought I got all the changelings off my back before liftoff.”
A quick detour to set the terrified nymph back on solid ground, another apology, and Spike took off again. The storm soon cleared away, replaced by miry gasses of the Hayseed Swamps. A few flustered weather pegasi flittered out of Spike’s path as he plunged down to catch another windstream, the dragon letting loose a quick shout of glee. He never got tired of flight.
Five short lances of fire obliterated the clouds the pegasi were trying to clear away, and over his shoulder he heard their shouted thank-yous as he pressed on.
Spotting a train headed out of Dodge City, he flew low to greet it, the tips of his wings almost sweeping the ground. Fillies and colts rushed to the window to watch him glide over the cacti, puffs of smoke from his mouth imitating the tooting train. He’d become quite a popular dragon in the last few centuries.
Another almighty flap took him back into the rivers of air he rode, trains and towns shrinking to dots beneath him. Before long, he saw a beacon of rainbow light calling to him.
Twilight’s castle had grown since it first sprung from the Tree of Harmony, thanks mostly to Spike’s tender loving care—although Twilight did sometimes have to remind him not to eat the atrium.
Now, it had long branches, multicolored leaves like a forest in autumn, and thick gemstone roots that would hold fast in any earthquake or invasion. He’d modeled it after Golden Oaks, and made sure to leave plenty of shelving space for Twilight’s creepy obsession with books.
Seeing him coming, the royal guards hastened around to prepare. Like a rosebud blooming, the crystal armor around Spike’s landing pad opened. Gongs and trumpets heralded his arrival.
“Announcing Master Kenbroath Gilspotten Heath…!” boomed a soldier.
“Yeah, yeah, we can skip the formalities this time, Golden Arrow.” Spike folded his wings as he landed, barely squeezing into the landing pad. He’d need to expand that soon. Or go on a diet.
He tilted his head to the soldier. “I’m here to talk to Twilight. Is she here?”
A sweeter voice answered. “I’m afraid you’ve just missed her, Spike.” The pink alicorn trotted through the doors, crystal pony attendants flanking her on either side.
“Announcing Princess Mi Amore Cadenza of the…!” the soldier burst out again.
“We know,” answered Spike and Cadance in unison.
The crystal ponies gave lavish bows at the sight of Spike, one of them offering up thanks for his saving the Empire. Again. By Spike’s count, he’d rescued them from certain destruction fifty-seven times—fifty-eight if you include the debacle with the moose.
Spike rumbled “You’re welcome” to them, his throat a bit clogged from dust after his trip through the sandstorm. “Sorry, just let me…” He hacked, coughed, and ahem’d, expelling the clod of dirt from his airways. “There, back to normal,” he spoke in his normal voice.
Unfortunately, his attempts to clear his throat ended up dousing the crystal ponies in several pounds of sand. “Uh, sorry, guys.”
Cadance’s attendants didn’t seem to notice his apology. “He coughed on me!” exclaimed one with a high-pitched yell.
“I said I was sorry…”
The pony leapt for joy. “Spike the Savior of the Empire coughed on me! I’m never going to wash myself again! Oh, the boys will be so jealous!” Spike swore, if that pony screamed any higher, he was going to shatter himself. Could crystal ponies do that? Could they shatter like wine glasses?
“You know, that’s not… really… healthy…” The pony scampered off into the corridors, no doubt looking for a camera. “Cadance, I know the Spike Fan Club is alive and well, and that’s great, but maybe you should do something? Though I suppose I’m one to talk about obsessions…”
Cadance flicked her tail, her fur glowing with a magical sheen as she shielded herself from the dust. “Yes, well, the Church of the Glistening Scale has become a rather influential religion up in the Empire. At least he’s not one of the radical Spikists.”
“Oh, okay, that's…” Spike stared. “Wait, ‘Church of the Glistening Scale?’ They worship me?”
“A few do. I mean, after you saved us from the ever-present threat of icy death, you attracted quite the fandom.”
Spike lowered his head to her, no easy feat given the tight confines of the castle’s landing pad. “Yeah, about that. Have you ever considered, maybe, not building your entire city in a land so cold it takes magic just to stave off frostbite? Or at least getting a backup Crystal Heart or something? Stealing it is like, a biannual thing for villains.”
Cadance giggled. “Silly Spike. Everypony knows my empire completely trusts my love magic to keep them from freezing. Why else would they shower me with gifts and devotion?”
“You sure? ‘Cause the…”
The princess drew closer, her face a hard frown. “Perhaps you misheard me. Gifts. And. Devotion.”
“Oh, um. Okay.”
Cadance moved back, acting like nothing had happened. “Twilight just hopped on the teleporter to your cave. She took a lot of notebooks with her, so I’m guessing she wants to do some research.” Another flick of her tail. “But that’s not why I’m here, of course.”
Spike fiddled with his wings. “Uh, yeah. Why are you here?”
Her smile broadened as little hearts burst into her eyes. “To help plan the wedding of course! And the bachelor party. I am the Princess of Love, after all.”
Well, that was it. No way to put it off any longer—he’d even left Chrysalis’s name off the invitation he sent to the Empire, made it look like a printing accident. “Yeah, um, sorry I haven’t told you yet, but the bride is…”
Cadance waved a hoof. “Chrysalis, yes. Admittedly, she was only in fourth place in the marriage bracket I made for you, but…“
Spike almost let a little flame escape his gaping mouth. “Wait, you’re okay with this?”
“Oh, it was a little shock when Twilight informed me—I was betting on Ember, personally—but I got over it. Now, for the bachelor party…”
He held up a claw to silence her. “Hold up, fourth place? Who was in third?”
Another dismissive wave. “Discord, of course. Now, back to the party. My Love Academy has many eager students willing to…”
“Discord?” Spike’s voice made the castle crystal shake.
“Yeah, Big Daddy D as we call him at the Academy. His guest lectures are always a hoot—especially the one with the owl.” She covered her mouth with her hoof as she breathed a little oh, my. “Now, I’m sure you’ll want a few dragons at the…”
“Love Academy?”
Cadance nodded her head, her crown jiggling a little. “What? Twilight gets to have friendship students! And now that Shiny’s gone, I have to keep busy somehow!”
Spike’s jaw scraped the floor for a moment before he managed to close his gaping mouth. “Okay, yeah, busy, that’s… okay. Um.”
“Spike, I’m the Princess of Love. It’s my royal duty to explore all the ways, methods, and positions ponies—and dragons, of course—enjoy love.” She brushed up against him. “But more than that, you’re my good friend, and I want to make this perfect for you. Let me handle the wedding while you deal with the bride.” Cadance smirked. “And take notes. The Academy’s courses on insectoid romance are pretty sparse.”
The dragon retched. Somewhere in the distance, a crystal pony bottled some of the vomit and put it in his shrine.
“Um.”
“C’mon, it’ll be fun. If you let me plan the bachelor party, I promise there’ll be more gemstones than you can eat.”
His eyes sparkled. A challenge. “I don’t know, I can eat a lot of jewels.”
Cadance smirked. “Believe me, I’ve been saving up for just this moment.”
“I don’t know. It would be kinda weird having my old babysitter there…”
A thought entered Cadance’s head. She had given a lecture on this kind of thing. “Good weird? Because I could dig up my bedtime storybook from when I foalsat you and Twilight and I’m sure the palace craftsmen could build a crib for you… if you’re… into…” Her peppy voice faded a bit as she looked at Spike’s gradually more horrified eyes.
She shook her head and tried to regain a little of her regal stature. “Right, no, too weird. Well, with all the resources of the Crystal Empire, I’m sure can give my little baby nephew the night of his life.” She tried and failed to pull the thousand-ton dragon into a hug.
“See, talking like that does not make this any less weird.”